Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e01 Episode Script

1 The year was 2008, the world was in crisis.
People were wearing this rubbish, and Grange Hill was cancelled after 30 years on the television.
But out of the darkness a saviour was born - Celebrity Juice.
It starred the biggest names in television.
And Rav Singh.
Who the fuck is Rav Singh? Some of the games were great, some not so great.
I didn't think we'll get past the second series, to be honest.
But since then, all of this has happened.
Arrrgh! LAUGHTER So let's celebrate because Celebrity Juice is ten years young! APPLAUSE Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out Juice's tenth birthday titles.
Here's all the previous ones mashed together, celebrating ten years.
Look, there's Holly Willoubooby! Ten years and she's still got them.
And there's Fearne Cotton.
I don't think she's a man.
And there's Gino D'Acampo.
He loves dough balls.
And Kelly Brook, team captain for one series.
My, she's fit.
And there's my old pal Rufus from back in the day.
Phew, we made it back into the studio just in time for the best show on telly.
What's that? It's Celebrity Juice on telly, not in 3D.
Fucking hell, ten years! APPLAUSE Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HE SHOUTS Oh, my god! Celebrity Juice is ten years old.
Happy birthday to ya Happy birthday Welcome to a birthday special.
I can't believe it.
Let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willoubooby! CHEERING Happy birthday! Wow, look at you! Ah, thanks.
I dressed up cos we're having a party.
Holly, who's on your team? On my right, yes, I really do like him, it's the one and only Paddy McGuinness.
APPLAUSE And on my left, they were the winners of Love Island.
We really do love them.
It's Jack and Dani.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton.
APPLAUSE Fearne, who's on your team? Well, Keith, on my left, she's strictly gorgeous, it's Ashley Roberts.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, on my right, Daddy's home, it's Danny fucking Dyer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Holly.
Yeah? You've got some exciting news, haven't you? Have I? Yeah, because you've signed up for the next series of I'm A Celebrity.
APPLAUSE Are you nervous? Yes, of course.
Cos big shoes to fill.
Absolutely.
I've never worked with Dec before.
I've watched it a million times.
He's a right BEEP, he is, I'm telling you.
Is he?! LAUGHING Hey, it's Cockney rhyming slang for fanny - it's Jack and Dani.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Why are you clapping? Oh, no.
Why are you clapping? I'm just rejoicing at young love.
Lovely.
It's lovely.
You watch these sort of programmes and you think, you know, they're not really in love Did you watch it? Yeah, course I did - every fucking night.
I watched it twice sometimes.
No, but a lot of people I always think, are they really in love or is that just for the cameras, is that just to win, but you two genuinely fell in love and it was beautiful.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
And because you fell in love, you won Love Island.
Hm.
Yes.
So what are you going to do with the island? You don't win the island.
What do you win? Just win some money.
Can you tell me what the Do Bits society is? Oh, for fuck's sake! You know what it is! Were you part of it? No, I weren't part of it.
What is it, then? What's the message? Right, so the message is, you Basically, the other birds and you do bits with her.
You do what? Things you wouldn't do in public You finger them? Well, yeah, that's part of it.
That's part of it.
Fingering? Yeah, yeah, it's partly that.
It's what I'm saying.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH He's not part of the society.
He's not part of the society.
He is now.
I think he is now.
All right, fuck off, Fearne.
Don't start getting involved in this bollocks now, all right? All right.
I retract, I retract.
I thought it was really nice that you two wasn't in that, because it made your love genuine.
It was.
I never fell in love without Poking them.
Cos that's what I I fall for them, once I've poked them, "Ooh, I fucking love her!" Yeah.
Dani, I read that when you finally joined the Doing Bits society that Jack apparently put on a disappointing performance.
I made a joke.
It was a joke.
Then the next day, I read the papers, and I went, "Fucking hell, I'm not that bad, am I?" Well, if it's in the media, it must be true, eh? Paddy, you struggle in the bedroom, though, sometimes, don't you? Because you've got a rather long foreskin.
We've done a lot of work together so I've seen his bits, and honestly, his foreskin isit's like the cover sheet on a fucking tent.
How do you even come up with that? He told me, he pulled it up, he said, "Look, I can put a bouncy ball in my foreskin.
" Malcolm, seriously, what do you think to Jack? He's a lovely kid.
Nice, isn't he? Yeah, he's a good kid, mate.
And what a lovely little couple.
They are, aren't they? Yeah.
So fucking leave them alone now, all right? Just calm down.
Calm down.
All right? She's my favourite member of the Pussy juice Pussycat Dolls and she's a big star in her own right, it's Ashley Roberts.
APPLAUSE Ashley, the big news for you, of course, is Strictly.
Yes.
That's happening.
Well done.
Congratulations.
I've got a picture of you.
Here you are.
So, when do you find out which celebrity you'll be dancing with? Celebrity? Yeah.
No.
Hold on.
So they have the professional dancers, and they dance with celebrities.
Oh, OK, I get it, yeah.
Cos you're a professional dancer? I'm a professional booty popper.
But you are a professional dancer, aren't you? I dance, yeah, I did jazz and tap and ballet.
Oh, I'm not voting for you, then.
It's a fucking fix.
You'll win.
It's a new form of dance I've never learned before, and I'm really excited about it.
I know.
Obviously, I will vote for you and support you to the max.
Hey, leave it out, it's Malcom Smith, Weasel Tits! HE SHOUTS Danny Dyer, you are now the second most famous Danny Dyer in the country.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
How's that feel, being number two? It's bollocks.
No, I love it.
I'm so proud of her.
Yeah, yeah.
Was it difficult to watch? It's weird watching your daughter, obviously, on a show like that, getting to know a geezer, a lovely geezer, but, you know, you're sitting there, fidgety as fuck, butbut they done us proud, do you know what I mean? Is there a little bit of you deep down that's gutted that he's just a stationary salesman? LAUGHTER I love that about him, I love that about him.
It made him real.
But if he, like, owned Costco, that would be better, wouldn't it? Yeah, that would be a touch.
But it's not about money, is it? No.
It's about true love, isn't it? Yeah, it's about love.
Little Dani, you want to be an actress, don't you? Yeah, of course, of course.
Definitely.
Well, have you ever thought of asking your dad if he knows any actors that can give you advice? Do you think you would work together, acting? Maybe you'd do one of those films that go straight to DVD.
Yeah.
I asked her if she wanted to be in EastEnders, she went, "No, Dad, fuck that.
" Really? Hey, it's Paddy McGuinness.
Oh, God.
CHEERING Are you well? I'm all right, are you? You look fucking marvellous.
Thank you.
Paddy, you were on the first episode of Celebrity Juice ten years ago.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was mad.
Mad.
Mad.
Since our ten years on television, we've found out a lot about you.
Go on.
You can't swim.
You can't ride a bike.
You can't roller boot, and also we found out about you, you can't shoot penalties.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Tell us about that.
I know you're going to show it, cos you're a bastard.
We haven't got a clip.
Yeah, you have.
We haven't got a clip.
Show it.
I haven't got a clip.
Get it out of the way.
I haven't got a clip.
You have.
Show that fucking clip.
There he is, just testing the weight of the ball.
He's gonna smash it in the net.
Absolutely shitting meself.
Here he goes.
Oh, the shame.
Then you tried to suck your own dick! That was horrible.
Honestly, as a football fan - Danny would say he's a big football fan - like, as a man, that is the worst thing that can ever happen.
That's worse than trapping your long foreskin in your zip.
Horrible.
Paddy, I tell you what, I'm going to be nice.
I am going to be nice.
OK.
I'm going to give you a chance to redeem yourself.
Would you like to take a penalty shot in the studio tonight, get the glory that you didn't have on the day and also win a point for your team? Go on, then.
Let's play OK, I'm here with Patrick McGuinness and he's about to redeem himself.
Tuck your foreskin in and go on.
This is a point for me team? Point for your team.
Go on.
Jack, Jack, you're on my team.
You're on my team.
AUDIENCE: Ooooooh! Three, two, one, go.
What happened?! LAUGHING Do it properly, do it properly.
Go on.
Are we getting a bit of a thing going? AUDIENCE: Ooooh! # It's coming home # It's coming home It's coming # Football's coming home It's coming home It's coming home It's coming The scores at the end of that round are: Three lions on the shirt I tell you what, now that Saturday Night Takeaway is having a year off, I'd like to have a go at that slot, so I've come up with a great idea on my way to work today.
I hope it's clean for a family show.
Saturday night, you've got to keep it clean, haven't you? Yeah.
You want to do a little taster on it? Yeah.
Then let's play Live pre-recorded from a studio in Elstree, it's time for What's Coming Down The Tube? Please welcome the host with the most, your presenter this evening, Mr Keith Lemon.
Hello and welcome to Saturday night television.
Yes.
CHEERING Welcome to What Comes Down The Tube?, the only show on the television that doesn't just ask what comes down the tube, but also asks what comes down the tube, yeah.
What comes down AUDIENCE: The! Tube! What's the emphasis on the "the" about? I don't get it.
What comes down AUDIENCE The! Tube.
Yeah, but we've all got to shout "the" - it makes no sense.
It's not a grower.
You know why you got sacked off t'radio? You weren't fun enough.
That's mean.
Make up a catchphrase.
Make up one.
Fuck off, fuck off.
Fuck Off.
Keith! Ok, this game is simple.
I'm going to stick something in this tube here, and then our panellists will have their mouths around the tube here, then they will be blindfolded and they'll have to give me the ID of what the product was I sent down the tube.
First up to play is Ashley Roberts.
I'm nervous.
Ashley, this is fantastic, because you know what, you're not just going to get a point for your team.
OK.
You're going to get a prize.
Ooh.
So as we can see, we've got the price board here.
We've got different numerical figures there.
All I want you to do is tell me what number you want, to see what you're playing for.
What number? Four.
Number four.
Is she supposed to pick number five? What number do you want? Five.
Oh.
It's an all-inclusive Caribbean cruise.
That sounds fantastic.
Do you want to get on the love mat? No, but I'm going to.
The love mat.
And pop your blindfold on.
Oh, Lord.
I tell you what, right now, it's so familiar.
LAUGHTER Get your mouth round it.
For everyone at home, if you want to play along, look away now, cos this is what I'm putting in.
Oh, God.
Oh, no! So let's play, What Comes Down AUDIENCE The Tube?! Here it comes.
Point for your team.
Is that salt? It's salty.
But what do you think it is, if it's salty? What came down AUDIENCE: The! Tube? Salt.
That's correct! You've won a holiday and a point for your team.
Well done, Ashley! Up now it's Paddy McGuinness.
Let's see the prize first.
Let's.
You're not just winning points, you're winning prizes.
What's coming down AUDIENCE: The! Tube.
What number? Five.
Five.
Swimming lessons.
Thank you.
OK.
Get on the love rug there.
Blindfold.
This is scandalous.
You guys at home, if you want to play, look away now, cos it's this.
Are you ready? AUDIENCE SHOUT OU That was cheese and onion crisps, wasn't it? That's it, for the swimming lessons.
Something tells me he didn't pour that out the bag.
Paddy McGuinness, everyone.
You know what was bad about that? Your breath.
It blew my cheeks out.
We've got an action replay of the exact moment my breath filled your cheeks.
Look at this.
Next up, it's Weasel Tits, it's Malcolm Smith.
APPLAUSE CHANTING: Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.
Stop it.
I'm fucking dreading this.
Do you want to get on the love rug? Yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
Oh, here we go.
Come on, you've had worse in your mouth.
Enjoy it.
Enjoy it.
It's just a bit of fun on a Thursday night, isn't it? You're a fucking dirty bastard, you are, I tell you.
For you guys that want to play along at home, turn your eyes away from the telly right now, because this is what it is.
So, what goes down AUDIENCE: The! Tube.
Get your mouth round it.
Yes, for fuck's sake, do it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE For a point for your team.
I'm not going to lie, that was fucking lovely.
What was it? It was a saveloy, cold hotdog thing.
It was a hotdog, yes.
Malcolm Smith, everyone.
And the scores at the end of that round are: Coming up after the break: How long does it take Jack to shoot his boat? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hurrah! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice ten year birthday special.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Dani and Jack, how long have you two been together, remind me? Two months.
Two months? Mate, isn't that weird, we lived together and everything.
That's weird, isn't it? I feel like I've known her years.
So what are you saying, two months? I reckon Is it It's two, it's two.
It's two, to be honest, it's two.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH I'll tell you what I'd like to find out, how much you really do know each other, so let's play: Hi! Welcome to Master And Miss.
I'm here with Dani and Jack.
You know how to play this, don't you? I'm going to ask you a question.
Yeah.
If you both get the same answer, you win a point for your team.
It's easy, isn't it? You write what you think? Well, the answer.
I tell you what, I'd like to introduce my co-presenter, yes, it's Malcolm Smith.
Come on.
So, I read a question, then you read a question.
All right.
Like that.
They're numbered, so start with number one, yeah? Yeah.
What is Jack's favourite Danny Dyer film? LAUGHTER Let's hope she knows it.
Didn't you have a poster of Malcolm above your bed? Yeah, loads of them.
Did you? Loads of them, yeah.
Good, isn't it? I've got a new one now.
It's just me, though, cos I'm more famous.
I'm joking.
LAUGHING LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH What's your answers? What's your answers? What have you got? The Business.
Point for your team.
Unbelievable.
OK, Malcolm, question.
If Jack had to insert an item of stationary up his arse, what would it be? LAUGHTER How do you spell it? There are so many to choose from.
Er Cos I'm always doing this.
There's so many! OK, let's reveal - what have you got? I've gone for a felt-tip pen.
Sharpener.
Sharpener! I thought of something really little.
I don't want nothing big! I thought a little tiny That's spiteful, Jack.
The small ones, you don't feel them.
You don't feel 'em?! Always doing it.
Danny, you do a question, you do another question, go on.
I don't, er Go on.
LAUGHTER Oh, no.
What is Dani's nickname for her lady bits? Innit? That's what I'm saying.
This is fucking Mate What? All right, good, good fucking answer.
Well done.
Congratulations.
I'd like to think they're called, "out of bounds.
" Yeah! But I know they're not, so Do you know this? You was quite lively on this.
I haven't seen it.
I don't Good boy.
He wasn't asking what it looks like, just the name of it.
Come on, let's get it out of the way, come on.
What have you got? Me nunni.
Noon.
Yeah, I'll give you that.
Lovely.
Well done.
Sorry, mate.
Oh, my god! Just use your brains.
Yeah, that's all you got to do.
What is the question? To the nearest minute LAUGHTER On average You BEEP! How long does it take Jack to shoot his boat? LAUGHTER Point for your team.
God, I dunno.
I can't even make a joke.
He's there, he's there.
He's there! You're only cuddling, ain't you? Fuck me! Yeah, yeah.
You love a cuddle.
There you go.
OK, lovely.
OK.
Fucking hell! I'll tell you what, I'll give you that, ten minutes or so, 15, yeah.
Point for your team.
Well done.
Anyway, that was Master And Miss, so the scores at the end of that round are: Fearne, you know when we started celebrity Juice, did you ever worry that we might fall in love? Never a concern.
What just happened? That was my soul dying after that question.
What's happened? Shit, man, don't tell me they've gone! They haven't taken them, have they? Oh, fucking hell! Holly and Fearne, come with me.
Come with me.
Do we have to? Is there a choice? Yeah.
Come with me.
Sorry.
Ah, shit.
Where are we going? Oh, my god.
I'm there.
Who's this guy? So, this has been here for about ten years.
Haven't noticed it.
It's quite big.
How did we miss it? I've never seen it in my life.
Just fucking go with it.
Oh, yes, that skull that's always in the corner of the studio.
Normally, this is where we place the sacred golden potato.
That's right.
The sacred golden potatoes.
That's not convincing.
That's not convincing.
Oh, those golden potatoes! Yes.
The golden potatoes, and you know what they do, don't you? The sacred golden potatoes is what gives Celebrity Juice its charms.
Wow! Without those, we're cursed.
We might never be on telly ever again.
Oh.
But we need to get them back, yeah? Somebody has stolen them.
Who's stolen What I want you to do is to go back in time and bring those golden potatoes back to 2018.
Will you do it for a point for your team? Yeah, we can do that.
Take this sack Ooh! Take the sack for the retrieving of the golden potatoes.
Bring them all back so we can go on another further ten years.
Yeah.
Jump into the porthole there.
There's the porthole.
I'm quite excited.
Jump into the time vortex.
Yeah.
Off you go.
Look at the special effects, Danny.
Malcolm.
There they are, look.
There's Fearne going back in time.
There she is.
Oh, look, there's that Who's that on the wall there? Oh, Rufus.
Hi, Rufus! There he is! We love you, Roof.
You're looking for the dressing rooms.
OK.
2008.
What year is 2008, you remember that? That's our first year we started.
Yeah.
Well, get in there and see if you can find the golden potato.
What is it? What's in there from 2008? Oh, Gary the dog.
Gary the dog! There's a dead dog in there.
Do you remember Gary the dog? It's so sad.
Gary was so amazing.
That is really sad.
RIP, Gary.
Check the ashes.
That's just Gary.
It's just Gary.
Are you sure? Is it in there? Don't tip the ashes! No, it's in there.
Is that disrespectful? Can you, like, hold You've got to catch this.
What? Oh, this is dark.
This is very dark.
Is it there? Oh, it's not even fucking there.
Oh, it is there! I can see it.
We've got one.
Put it in the sack.
Put it in the sack.
Well done, girls.
Right, come on.
LAUGHING, THEY SCREAM I have genuinely done a bit of wee.
Horrible man.
I wet myself.
That's a vintage year, 2012.
I remember that year.
Oh! Oh! SCREAMING Ah, Jedward! Jedward! ALL TALK AT ONCE Jedward's been in that room since 2012, masturbating - look at all the tissues! ALL TALK AT ONCE 27 now.
There were 17.
I can feel something in my stomach.
Oh, it's there.
Push.
Oh! Got it.
You've got it! Got it.
Well done.
Thanks, boys.
So good to see you.
Let's not leave it so long next time, Jedward.
What the hell is that? Keep wanking, boys.
Soon you'll be men! Oh, it's the tickle monster.
The famous tickle monster costume.
It's just the costume, ladies.
I don't believe it.
It's not, it's not.
I can see it.
That is a person.
That is genuine.
I'm going to wet myself again.
SCREAMING It's not even funny! Tickling's meant to be funny.
It's not funny.
OK.
Aw, is this my old dressing room? Oh, it smells! That's Holly's dressing room back in 2016.
That's an actual dressing room.
Back when she was in love with Schofield, sucking his dick.
Wow, he's gonna be vexed when she gets off with Dec! Word of advice, Dec, do not look into her eyes.
Oh, my god.
By, she's used that one to death, hasn't she? Look at that.
She's taken the paint off it! Oh, my god! Holly Willoughby, that is disgusting! Told you - face of an angel, arse of a tramp.
Is it in there, Holly? But it's not a potato.
What is it? It came out of your body.
Holly, it's your own shit, it doesn't matter.
It's not my shit! Shit! Oh, my god.
That is so many shades of wrong.
What is it? It's a golden carrot.
I'm looking for the golden potato, not the carrot.
I'll put that back in there.
Horrific.
OK.
Where would I have hidden a potato? It's got to be someone in here hiding it somewhere.
Schofield, have you got it? God, what is that? Yes.
She's got it! SCREAMING ALL TALK AT ONCE They're back.
They're back.
ALL TALK AT ONCE What's the problem? What's the problem? Stop being so angry.
OK, mister.
Here.
Listen, we'll buy you a drink after the show.
Calm down.
INAUDIBLE So, anyway, let's have a look.
We did it.
OK, here they are.
Let's place 'em back in.
One golden potato.
Two golden potatoes.
Three golden potatoes.
INAUDIBLE Holly and Fearne, everyone.
And the scores at the end of that round are: I'm going for a poo.
We'll see you in two.
Coming up after the break: Get on me back.
Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Ten Years Birthday.
CHEERING Are you having a good time? Yes.
Are you having a good time? Yeah! OK, there's loads to play for in this final round.
It's the buzzer round.
You know what happens here - you buzz, and if you know the answer, if you don't know the answer, buzz in anyway and have a guess.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? Get your hands off my buzzer.
"Look at the size of that foreskin.
It's a belter!" Paddy McGuinness talking to his foreskin.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? "Weasel tits.
" OK.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
True or false, Paddy McGuinness once wrapped his foreskin around a toaster? "Look at the size of that foreskin.
" Absolutely true, but with the plug out, because the plug in would be very dangerous.
Oh, no, it's false.
It was a Breville sandwich maker.
OK, I'm going to show you an animal clip.
If Danny Dyer can do the voice of the animal, what he's going through in the picture, a point.
Let's have a look.
Oh, babe, babe, come here, babe, babe, come here.
No, listen, listen, listen.
No, listen, I've had my eye on you all fucking month.
Come here, come here.
I want to have a chat with you, that's all I wanna do.
Get out the way there, you fucking bastard.
Get away from her.
A point for Danny Dyer if he can lift both Jack and Dani off the ground for ten seconds.
Let's have a fucking go, come on.
What, at the same time? Yeah.
You jump on my back.
Oh, no, I can't - my dress, Dad.
Oh.
Lift me, like, nicely, you know when you pick up a lady nicely? What do you mean, nicely? Like Cinderella.
With the legs.
Where am I gonna put him? Oh, yeah.
There we go.
ALL TALK AT ONCE I'm gonna go.
Three, two, one, go.
Here we fucking go.
Right, lift your legs.
Go! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Amazing.
I felt his little nuts on my back.
A point for Paddy McGuinness if he can pick up me and Danny Dyer for ten seconds.
Oh! Here we go.
I'll warn you, I'm sweating.
You get on my back.
Am I sitting here, then? TALK AT ONCE Where am I going? Hang on.
Hey! Wait, wait.
Get on my back.
LAUGHTER Get on! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
Yes! A point for your team for whoever can do the best big Danny Dyer impression.
We'll start with Guinness.
Fack off, you mug.
LAUGHTER Holly.
Weasel tits! Jack.
What's that, son? Want a couple of tequilas? Shall we get on it? Dani.
Sweet as sweet as.
Fearne.
You fucking BEEP! Ashley.
I don't know! Fucking fucking! I'll give it to Fearne Cotton.
Yes.
BUZZER That's the end of the buzzer round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
But who won the first episode of series 20? ALL TALK AT ONCE The winner is Holly's team.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Thanks for watching.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bye-bye!