Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e02 Episode Script
Eamonn Holmes, Rak-Su, Catherine Tyldesley, Joel Dommett
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad the show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy, firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton, riding a giant cock -shaped spaceship.
Gino D'Acampo, still on fucking holiday.
Here we are, taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew, we made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly, not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wahey! All right! AUDIENCE: All right! Hi, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Who is on your team? On my left, he's as fast as a comet, don't vomit, it's Joel Dommett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my right, what's the situation? I can't do it.
It's Eamonn Holmes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lets meet our other team captain.
It's Holly Willoughboozy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right, they are the first ever boy band to win The X Factor.
It's Rak-Su! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my left, she's got the best laugh in showbiz, it's Catherine Tyldesley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey, it's Rat Soup! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rat Soup? No, not soup.
Suit? Su.
What does it mean? Do you want the boring answer or the fun one? Boring one first and if it's shit, we'll cut it out.
Um, so, our name was originally Tracks versus Suits.
That means, if we were to Fuck it, do the fun one.
Because it sounds fucking cool, man.
So, you won The X Factor a year ago.
Where have you been? We've just been recording a lot.
Um, we were fortunate enough to tour with Little Mix over the summer as well.
Whoa! We've got a picture of you with Little Mix.
Holy shit-balls.
LAUGHTER I don't have to say this subtly.
Did you fuck 'em? LAUGHTER Did any of you make sweet love to them? Um Ooh! What was your approach? Did you go up to them and go, "Hey, Leigh-Anne, want some rat soup?" LAUGHTER What you looking at me for? You went, "Well.
" Definite certificate smile.
Did you have it off with Little Mix? "No.
" LAUGHTER Which one? You all need to go and look in the mirror and practice that answer.
You fell at the first hurdle.
The lyrics are quite unique, aren't they? What are the lyrics? Wrap it up like a fajita.
What does that mean? Wear a condom.
APPLAUSE Condoms.
Condoms, condoms.
Very good.
Very good, especially when they're made out of bread.
LAUGHTER You've got a new single, you've got a new single, haven't you? Here it is.
In physical.
Its physical format.
It's called, I Want You to Freak.
What's the message? LAUGHTER Jamaal, you handle this one, bro.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER Is it upbeat? Yes, very.
Not like techno upbeat.
No, not techno.
BEATBOXING Who is the beatboxer? You're the beatboxer.
He is.
Can you do some beat boxing then? Yeah.
OK.
LAUGHTER Yep.
Will you beatbox, and I'll try and imitate then.
Cool, so BEATBOXING Pfft, pfft.
Tss, tss.
LAUGHTER HOLLY: I thought it was all right.
BEATBOXING Oh, Eamonn is having a great go over here.
Pfft, zzub zzub, brrb brrb.
Yeah.
Like a silverback trying to find food.
LAUGHTER Brrb, brrb, brrb, brrb.
Eamonn, why don't we get you up with Rak-Su and see if you can get involved, yeah? Yeah.
Let's do some beat boxing.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right.
How do we do this? I'll lead.
So we go BEATBOXING EAMONN TRIES TO IMITATE MUSTAFA LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Pyro Ting' by Rak-Su, Banx and Ranx.
Very good! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good.
SHRILL LAUGH It's Catherine Tyldesley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHRILL LAUGH Don't, you always make me want to wee.
LAUGHTER Big sexy wee.
Oh, my God.
Catherine Tyldesley.
You look completely different.
I've dyed my hair.
Yeah, it looks nice.
Thank you.
Yeah, looks right sophisticated.
Thanks.
You've left Corrie.
I have.
KEITH GASPS What happened there? Why did you leave? Just fancied a change.
I've been there a long time.
How long were you on Corrie? Like seven years.
Seven years? Wow.
You're not dead though, are you? Not dead.
The door is open.
So, if it all turns to shit, you can go back.
Yeah, if it goes tits up, I'm back.
What do you think you'll miss most about Corrie? The people.
Was there a massage chair onset or something? Oh, God.
LAUGHTER Tell us about the massage chair.
Oh, there's an aggressive massage chair.
LAUGHTER Right, so I thought, "ITV are treating us.
"We've got a massage chair in the green room.
" So, you're there, you're having a nice time, it's all lovely.
Out of nowhere, the chair tries to fist you.
LAUGHTER Just saying.
It it definitely tries to do things to your bottom.
Are you sure it wasn't just a man dressed in leather? LAUGHTER Everybody that sits on it, like, "Ooh! Yeah, it's right up there.
" LAUGHTER Did you stay on it? HOLLY: And you decided to leave? LAUGHTER Took the chair with me, babe.
LAUGHTER Rap, rap, rap.
It's Eamonn Holmes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I tell you what, massive congratulations.
Why? Because you've just become an official OAP, haven't you? LAUGHTER The Queen gave you an OAP.
We've got a picture.
There you are, getting your OAP.
HOLLY: That's amazing.
APPLAUSE So, now you can get the bus half price.
No! Not yet.
Have you met her? FEARNE: Yeah.
And spoke to her? I've said, "Ma'am.
" Did she say, "What's your name, little boy?" LAUGHTER Eamonn, you've recently had shingles.
Oh, I have.
Well, they've got a new shingle out now.
LAUGHTER Have you got this shingle? I've not got that one yet.
What's shingles? Shingles is a form of chickenpox.
It's the chickenpox virus which lies latent Oh, you get it from unprotected sex? When you haven't got a pitta bread round you? LAUGHTER You get it when you're under stress.
I think I've got a picture of when you had shingles.
That's me.
Look at that.
Aww.
Is this just a cover story because Ruth's beat the shit out of you? LAUGHTER Joel, you like animals, don't you? Um, yeah.
I like animals enough.
Yeah, well, the other day, I was in the toilet.
I saw what I thought was a bald rat, then I realised it's not, it was Fearne's ball-sack.
LAUGHTER It gave me an idea for a game.
To see if you could decide whether it was an animal or a ball sack.
So, let's play: So, is this an animal, or a pair of balls? Have a look, Holly's team.
HOLLY: Oh, it's close-up, isn't it? CATHERINE: Oh, God.
HOLLY: I think that's an animal.
I mean, they're very sort of long lines.
They look like they're going around something.
Look, there's some little sporadics there, though.
What you saying? Is it an animal, or a pair of balls? Yeah, we think it's an animal.
Let's have a look.
It's a cheeky monkey! Fearne's team, here's your picture.
FEARNE: This is such a lovely game.
It's a bit meaty.
Um JOEL: I think it's a zoomed in, diseased one.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
I'm just playing the game! EAMONN: It looks a bit human to me.
Yeah.
OK, we're going human.
Human ball sack.
Let's have a look.
Eurgh.
There he is.
Scary Turkey.
Holly's team.
HOLLY: OK.
That's a ball.
TEAMMATES: Yeah.
That's definitely of the bollock variety.
What you saying? Balls.
Balls.
Let's have a look.
Yes.
He has not wrapped up like a fajita.
LAUGHTER Are you like, allowed to show this on television? It's happening.
It's happening.
Do that voice again? LAUGHTER MOCKING JOEL'S VOICE Fearne's team.
LAUGHTER Think about all those bald animals out there.
I mean, it's undeniably a ball bag.
Surely, Eamonn.
Never thought I'd say that.
It's not something I planned to ever say out loud.
It's too obvious, so we'll say no.
You really OK.
What do you think? We're thinking it's trickery, so we are going to say animal.
OK.
Animal.
Let's have a look.
Oh, no.
LAUGHTER It was a nest of balls.
I have no response to that.
Do you want to come round to mine for a barbecue? LAUGHTER Fearne's team.
Animals, or pair of balls? If it's OK with you, Eamonn, I think we're going to go balls.
LAUGHTER Balls? FEARNE: Yes.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER That's the first time Rat Soup ever went on This Morning.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Holly.
Yeah.
You like bums, don't you? I quite like bottoms, yes.
You like bums.
And Fearne, you like biscuits, don't you? Oh, I love biscuits.
So, what I've done, is I've combined both the bum and biscuit and come up with this game.
Hello, you might be wondering why we cut to the gallery.
I'm in the gallery right now, this is where we make the show.
Last week, we had a power cut just as we were about to play Arse Biscuit.
Hello, we're just hanging out like naughty kids.
Live from LC studios, where there has been a power cut.
This has caused devastation tonight.
So, this is a week later.
Now, everybody has come back.
I don't think you'll see the joins, apart from me just doing this bit, explaining the join.
Never mind the join.
Eamonn, are you wearing glasses? No, I'm not.
In fact, you look different.
I've grown a wee beard.
I'm very hirsute.
It shows I've got a lot of testosterone.
Yeah.
There's plenty of play still in me.
Ruth will tell you that.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER OK.
Well, what I've done, is I've put biscuits and bums together to play this game: Hello, welcome to Arse Biscuits.
Yeah! If, like me, you have shoved a biscuit up your arse ,you know that it is not easy to walk with that biscuit and deposit it into a biscuit tin.
But will it be easy if you've got a lady's buttocks? Have you ever stuffed a biscuit up your arse? No.
Never.
What you've got to do in this game, is shove a biscuit between the cheeks, transport it over to the biscuit tin there.
And the person with the most biscuits in the tin will win.
You have an allotted time to do so.
Can we put more than one biscuit up there in one go? Shove as many up your crack as you can.
LAUGHTER How many will yours hold? Well, I'm hoping, because I have a larger derriere than my friend here I've got a really deep crack.
Have you? LAUGHTER Oh, right, OK.
Fearne's is so deep it comes back out of the front.
LAUGHTER Ready? So ready.
But are you really ready? Yeah.
KLAXON CHEERING Oh, look at Holly going.
There she goes.
Deposit.
Holly is in.
Fearne's doing a dance.
She's dancing, she's dancing.
Oh yeah.
She dropped it! She dropped it! Get it back in.
Clench! Clench! Drop.
Come on, Holly.
What you got in there? You dropped it, you dropped it, you dropped it! Look at her walking, "I've got piles! I've got piles!" DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING That was so close.
Oh, yes! Jammy dodger.
Yes! Put it in.
That was in.
I bet Holly could do autographs with her arsehole.
Oh, she's skipping.
It's a skipping magic skipping rope.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
KLAXON There's the klaxon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FEARNE: I got a big'un.
HOLLY: You did.
There's a broken one, that's six.
Six there.
I haven't finished! Does that count as a seven? That's a seven.
Seven.
What about this little nugget? Eight.
Mm.
Wow.
Oh, God.
How many did you shove up there in one go? I was whacking them up there.
APPLAUSE Fearne wins a prize! Oh, my God.
I thought I would win that.
No, I was shoving them up there.
Were you? We've got an action replay, and just check out Rat Soup's face.
What are you watching? What are you watching, you dirty pigs? Yeah, boy.
Look at that.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three.
Coming up after the break: Any final words? I'm sorry, Mum.
LAUGHTER BLOOP BLOOP BLEEP Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Fearne.
You know what it's like when you're waxing, don't you? Especially your chest, when you're waxing your chest it can be painful, can't it? Yeah, and the old balls and crack.
Well, what I've done.
I've tried to come up with a technique so it's less painful for guys.
So, let's play: Ah, you fucker! # Everybody hurts# Hello, hello.
Welcome to my new salon, Wax-Su.
I think this salon is going to be a success.
I hope it is, we'll find out.
Basically, in this game, what I'm going to do is try and wax one of our panellists.
If they scream out, they won't win a point for the team.
But if I successfully distract them, they will win points for their team.
First up, it's Ashley from Rat Soup.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE As you can see, Ashley from Rat Soup has now taken his top off.
That's my gift to the mums out there.
CHEERING You want to get yourself to the gym, you.
You fat bitch.
LAUGHTER So, um, we've stuck the waxing strip on your chest there.
Yep.
If you let out a squeal, you won't get a point for your team.
Now, I've told you.
It's all different techniques I'm using here.
All guys like tennis.
We like sports and stuff, so I'm going to play a bit of tennis in front of you.
You'll be like, "Wow, tennis is cool," and hopefully be distracted.
And then you won't let out a squeal, yeah? And you win a point for your team.
It's so easy.
You ready? What happens if it doesn't come off? It will.
LAUGHTER So, we're gonna have a countdown.
Let's start the countdown.
VOICEOVER: 50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45, 44, 43, 42 Can we just forward it, forward it, forward it.
VOICEOVER: 23, 22, 21 Forward it a bit more.
VOICEOVER: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This wax strip's really stuck on.
Have you got another ball? DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER Let's have an action replay and see if you squealed.
A slight sound, no point for your team, I'm afraid.
Wah, wah, wah, wah.
Next up is Joel Dommett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Joel is now on the floor.
We've attached the wax strips to the inner, upper thigh.
It's quite hairy there, innit? I feel like I'm at the gynaecologist.
LAUGHTER This one, we're using a car to distract you.
Because guys like cars, don't they? We like cars.
That car over there, man.
Point for your team if you don't squeal.
Any final words? Um, I'm sorry, Mum.
LAUGHTER OK, here come the beeps.
BLOOP BLOOP BLEEP Argh! LAUGHTER I squealed.
Ahh.
Ooh.
Ah! AUDIENCE: Off! Off! Off! Off! Do you want me to do it? Right, basically, I'm really sorry about this, but you've got to smooth it down the line with the hair.
I'm not going to rip it off yet.
Ahh! It looks like you've shit yourself.
LAUGHTER Slo-mo! Well, for your bravery, I've been told by the adjudicators er, that you will indeed receive five points for Fearne's team.
CHEERING DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! # Everybody hurts# Eamonn, you know a lot of people these days are making wedge from Netflix, aren't they? Doing television shows for Netflix.
That's right, yes.
Have you done anything for Netflix? No, I've not actually.
I like to keep my allegiance to ITV.
LAUGHTER And Channel 5.
Occasionally, if the money is right, if the money is right.
Well, I thought I'd dip my finger in some of that Netflix pie.
I've come up with an idea for a soap drama type thing.
It's called Surgeon Nohands, and let me give you a quick synopsis on it.
It's about a really famous surgeon, yeah, and he's working really hard.
He's slightly arrogant.
He's Swedish.
He is travelling on the way home, and he crashes into a Londis in his Volvo.
His hands become a tin of beans and a Pot Noodle.
How can he survive with such hands? Well, he does.
Would you like to play the role of him? If you play it well, I think we've got a commissioner from Netflix in the audience.
There he is.
He looks like he's from the Matrix, also.
If he agrees on commission, you win a point for your team.
Would you like to have a go, Eamonn? Depends what the money is like.
I'll give you a pound.
IMITATING EAMONN: A pound? What? A pound? No, pound.
I said a pound.
How about you? Aye, he's a wee devil, he is.
So he is.
I don't know if I can sustain this for an hour.
LAUGHTER Are you up for it? All right, come on, let's do it.
Here it is.
It's my first draft script.
Netflix, check this out.
LAUGHTER It was dark, and it was a stormy night, and Surgeon Nohands was in his surgery after a long shift.
He was tired.
Oh, my God.
I'm spent.
Oh, no.
Am I Swedish? You're Swedish.
SWEDISH ACCENT: Oh, my God.
I'm spent.
LAUGHTER And a little aroused.
Oh! I was just having a wee think about Ruth.
Er, hurdy-gurdy.
You've got some lines on the monitor there.
Swedish! Swedish! Hello.
I am Surgeon Nohands.
I wish I could His pants are falling down.
I didn't even I didn't even know.
LAUGHTER Hello.
I am Surgeon Nohands, and how I wish I could splice my hands from the Pot Noodle pot, and the tin of beans.
It's the one operation I can't do.
Surgeon Nohands makes his way to his desk.
He helps himself to a glass of scotch, and drinks it.
LAUGHTER Don't drink it, you might get glass in your mouth.
Suddenly, the surgery doors swing open.
Ooh! PARP LAUGHTER Who made PARP Hello, Surgeon Nohands.
I've got a chronic farting problem.
Oh, my goodness me! PARP PARP I think I might need some anti-farting tablets.
Goodness me, what a terrible smell! Surgeon Nohands bravely pours anti-farting pills in Cath's mouth, followed by water.
Just, stay there and be patient, patient.
PARP PARP PARP PARP Oh, my God.
Oh, I do apologise for the repugnant smell.
PARP Open a window, will you? Help me Oh! PARP Here.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
Take this many.
LAUGHTER Quick, get some water! You'll need a little bit of water.
Bleugh! I can smell the smell again, the pills take time to work! Oh, gosh.
Suddenly, another patient turns up.
Oh, heavens, what a busy day! LAUGHTER The doors open again.
The doors open again! Gooding.
Joel Drommett, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Surgeon Nohands, please.
Please help me.
I have chronic tonsillitis, and I need some ice cream but I can't Oh, God.
I can't move my arms because they are broken.
Don't worry.
LAUGHTER I am the great Surgeon Nohands, the best surgeon in the whole, wide world.
And, I'm here to fix you.
Surgeon Nohands goes to get the selection of ice-creams.
How convenient.
LAUGHTER First, he feeds Joel the chocolate one, because it's Joel's favourite.
Eurgh.
My favourite.
Was it tonsillitis you had? This can only help.
LAUGHTER Thank you, Surgeon Nohands, you are my hero.
LAUGHTER Surgeon Nohands is so pleased with the results, he makes dreams come true for Joel, by turning him into a unicorn, using the ice-cream.
I could do with some of that on my inner thigh.
It couldn't get any worse, unless I was having my dick waxed.
Oh, this is Yes! He's a unicorn! Surgeon Nohands, everyone.
Triumphant again! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our patient is so happy, he flees the hospital.
LAUGHTER The break is on.
Our patient stays in the hospital because he loves it so.
Less private.
Let's find out what our commissioner thinks.
Have we got a commission? That's a yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We'll be back with much more funniness in the hospital, after these important messages.
See you in two! Coming up after the break: In three words, describe your lovemaking technique.
Short, sharp shock.
LAUGHTER Hello! Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? Yeah.
I don't want to go all Butlins.
I can't hear you! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Are you having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I say, I say, I say.
OK, there's lots to play for in our final round, it's the buzzer round! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chnacer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? 'Rat Soup.
We're better than One Direction, you get me?' LAUGHTER Blowing your own trumpet there.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? JIBBERISH OK, here's the first question.
Who had sex most recently out of the members of Rak-Su? FEARNE'S BUZZER That was Fearne's team.
Um LAUGHTER The one in the hat.
LAUGHTER Does your hand count? Does your hand count? No.
Well then, it's definitely not me.
It was Ash.
Was it Ash? It wasn't, but I'll take the hit for my boy.
LAUGHTER What did Prince Harry and Meghan named their new puppy? HOLLY'S BUZZER Is it Oz? That's correct.
Eamonn Holmes, in three words, describe your lovemaking technique.
Short, sharp shock.
It's true.
Ah, yeah.
APPLAUSE Why does Joel Dommett look excited here? HOLLY'S BUZZER Has he just had a back, sack and crack? LAUGHTER No, I think I've got my dick caught in the decking.
Let's have a look, let's have a look.
Can we pan out? Point FOR the person who can demonstrate the best floss.
Oh, I can do that.
FEARNE'S BUZZER I've got this.
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Point for their team for the first person who puts their shoes on their hands.
HOLLY'S BUZZER Me! Smashed it.
Look at that.
It was Joel Dommett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE True or false? Eamonn, you have the biggest ball-sack on daytime TV.
Now, David Dickinson comes a close second.
LAUGHTER But you're right, I do.
That's a point for your team.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BUZZER That's the buzzer.
That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Ooh, it's been an utter thrashing.
Hold your head in shame.
That's right, it's Fearne's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's Keith Lemon, if I don't see for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! MUSIC: 'Freak Like Me'
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad the show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy, firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton, riding a giant cock -shaped spaceship.
Gino D'Acampo, still on fucking holiday.
Here we are, taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew, we made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly, not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wahey! All right! AUDIENCE: All right! Hi, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Who is on your team? On my left, he's as fast as a comet, don't vomit, it's Joel Dommett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my right, what's the situation? I can't do it.
It's Eamonn Holmes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lets meet our other team captain.
It's Holly Willoughboozy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right, they are the first ever boy band to win The X Factor.
It's Rak-Su! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my left, she's got the best laugh in showbiz, it's Catherine Tyldesley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey, it's Rat Soup! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rat Soup? No, not soup.
Suit? Su.
What does it mean? Do you want the boring answer or the fun one? Boring one first and if it's shit, we'll cut it out.
Um, so, our name was originally Tracks versus Suits.
That means, if we were to Fuck it, do the fun one.
Because it sounds fucking cool, man.
So, you won The X Factor a year ago.
Where have you been? We've just been recording a lot.
Um, we were fortunate enough to tour with Little Mix over the summer as well.
Whoa! We've got a picture of you with Little Mix.
Holy shit-balls.
LAUGHTER I don't have to say this subtly.
Did you fuck 'em? LAUGHTER Did any of you make sweet love to them? Um Ooh! What was your approach? Did you go up to them and go, "Hey, Leigh-Anne, want some rat soup?" LAUGHTER What you looking at me for? You went, "Well.
" Definite certificate smile.
Did you have it off with Little Mix? "No.
" LAUGHTER Which one? You all need to go and look in the mirror and practice that answer.
You fell at the first hurdle.
The lyrics are quite unique, aren't they? What are the lyrics? Wrap it up like a fajita.
What does that mean? Wear a condom.
APPLAUSE Condoms.
Condoms, condoms.
Very good.
Very good, especially when they're made out of bread.
LAUGHTER You've got a new single, you've got a new single, haven't you? Here it is.
In physical.
Its physical format.
It's called, I Want You to Freak.
What's the message? LAUGHTER Jamaal, you handle this one, bro.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER Is it upbeat? Yes, very.
Not like techno upbeat.
No, not techno.
BEATBOXING Who is the beatboxer? You're the beatboxer.
He is.
Can you do some beat boxing then? Yeah.
OK.
LAUGHTER Yep.
Will you beatbox, and I'll try and imitate then.
Cool, so BEATBOXING Pfft, pfft.
Tss, tss.
LAUGHTER HOLLY: I thought it was all right.
BEATBOXING Oh, Eamonn is having a great go over here.
Pfft, zzub zzub, brrb brrb.
Yeah.
Like a silverback trying to find food.
LAUGHTER Brrb, brrb, brrb, brrb.
Eamonn, why don't we get you up with Rak-Su and see if you can get involved, yeah? Yeah.
Let's do some beat boxing.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right.
How do we do this? I'll lead.
So we go BEATBOXING EAMONN TRIES TO IMITATE MUSTAFA LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Pyro Ting' by Rak-Su, Banx and Ranx.
Very good! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good.
SHRILL LAUGH It's Catherine Tyldesley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHRILL LAUGH Don't, you always make me want to wee.
LAUGHTER Big sexy wee.
Oh, my God.
Catherine Tyldesley.
You look completely different.
I've dyed my hair.
Yeah, it looks nice.
Thank you.
Yeah, looks right sophisticated.
Thanks.
You've left Corrie.
I have.
KEITH GASPS What happened there? Why did you leave? Just fancied a change.
I've been there a long time.
How long were you on Corrie? Like seven years.
Seven years? Wow.
You're not dead though, are you? Not dead.
The door is open.
So, if it all turns to shit, you can go back.
Yeah, if it goes tits up, I'm back.
What do you think you'll miss most about Corrie? The people.
Was there a massage chair onset or something? Oh, God.
LAUGHTER Tell us about the massage chair.
Oh, there's an aggressive massage chair.
LAUGHTER Right, so I thought, "ITV are treating us.
"We've got a massage chair in the green room.
" So, you're there, you're having a nice time, it's all lovely.
Out of nowhere, the chair tries to fist you.
LAUGHTER Just saying.
It it definitely tries to do things to your bottom.
Are you sure it wasn't just a man dressed in leather? LAUGHTER Everybody that sits on it, like, "Ooh! Yeah, it's right up there.
" LAUGHTER Did you stay on it? HOLLY: And you decided to leave? LAUGHTER Took the chair with me, babe.
LAUGHTER Rap, rap, rap.
It's Eamonn Holmes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I tell you what, massive congratulations.
Why? Because you've just become an official OAP, haven't you? LAUGHTER The Queen gave you an OAP.
We've got a picture.
There you are, getting your OAP.
HOLLY: That's amazing.
APPLAUSE So, now you can get the bus half price.
No! Not yet.
Have you met her? FEARNE: Yeah.
And spoke to her? I've said, "Ma'am.
" Did she say, "What's your name, little boy?" LAUGHTER Eamonn, you've recently had shingles.
Oh, I have.
Well, they've got a new shingle out now.
LAUGHTER Have you got this shingle? I've not got that one yet.
What's shingles? Shingles is a form of chickenpox.
It's the chickenpox virus which lies latent Oh, you get it from unprotected sex? When you haven't got a pitta bread round you? LAUGHTER You get it when you're under stress.
I think I've got a picture of when you had shingles.
That's me.
Look at that.
Aww.
Is this just a cover story because Ruth's beat the shit out of you? LAUGHTER Joel, you like animals, don't you? Um, yeah.
I like animals enough.
Yeah, well, the other day, I was in the toilet.
I saw what I thought was a bald rat, then I realised it's not, it was Fearne's ball-sack.
LAUGHTER It gave me an idea for a game.
To see if you could decide whether it was an animal or a ball sack.
So, let's play: So, is this an animal, or a pair of balls? Have a look, Holly's team.
HOLLY: Oh, it's close-up, isn't it? CATHERINE: Oh, God.
HOLLY: I think that's an animal.
I mean, they're very sort of long lines.
They look like they're going around something.
Look, there's some little sporadics there, though.
What you saying? Is it an animal, or a pair of balls? Yeah, we think it's an animal.
Let's have a look.
It's a cheeky monkey! Fearne's team, here's your picture.
FEARNE: This is such a lovely game.
It's a bit meaty.
Um JOEL: I think it's a zoomed in, diseased one.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
I'm just playing the game! EAMONN: It looks a bit human to me.
Yeah.
OK, we're going human.
Human ball sack.
Let's have a look.
Eurgh.
There he is.
Scary Turkey.
Holly's team.
HOLLY: OK.
That's a ball.
TEAMMATES: Yeah.
That's definitely of the bollock variety.
What you saying? Balls.
Balls.
Let's have a look.
Yes.
He has not wrapped up like a fajita.
LAUGHTER Are you like, allowed to show this on television? It's happening.
It's happening.
Do that voice again? LAUGHTER MOCKING JOEL'S VOICE Fearne's team.
LAUGHTER Think about all those bald animals out there.
I mean, it's undeniably a ball bag.
Surely, Eamonn.
Never thought I'd say that.
It's not something I planned to ever say out loud.
It's too obvious, so we'll say no.
You really OK.
What do you think? We're thinking it's trickery, so we are going to say animal.
OK.
Animal.
Let's have a look.
Oh, no.
LAUGHTER It was a nest of balls.
I have no response to that.
Do you want to come round to mine for a barbecue? LAUGHTER Fearne's team.
Animals, or pair of balls? If it's OK with you, Eamonn, I think we're going to go balls.
LAUGHTER Balls? FEARNE: Yes.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER That's the first time Rat Soup ever went on This Morning.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Holly.
Yeah.
You like bums, don't you? I quite like bottoms, yes.
You like bums.
And Fearne, you like biscuits, don't you? Oh, I love biscuits.
So, what I've done, is I've combined both the bum and biscuit and come up with this game.
Hello, you might be wondering why we cut to the gallery.
I'm in the gallery right now, this is where we make the show.
Last week, we had a power cut just as we were about to play Arse Biscuit.
Hello, we're just hanging out like naughty kids.
Live from LC studios, where there has been a power cut.
This has caused devastation tonight.
So, this is a week later.
Now, everybody has come back.
I don't think you'll see the joins, apart from me just doing this bit, explaining the join.
Never mind the join.
Eamonn, are you wearing glasses? No, I'm not.
In fact, you look different.
I've grown a wee beard.
I'm very hirsute.
It shows I've got a lot of testosterone.
Yeah.
There's plenty of play still in me.
Ruth will tell you that.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER OK.
Well, what I've done, is I've put biscuits and bums together to play this game: Hello, welcome to Arse Biscuits.
Yeah! If, like me, you have shoved a biscuit up your arse ,you know that it is not easy to walk with that biscuit and deposit it into a biscuit tin.
But will it be easy if you've got a lady's buttocks? Have you ever stuffed a biscuit up your arse? No.
Never.
What you've got to do in this game, is shove a biscuit between the cheeks, transport it over to the biscuit tin there.
And the person with the most biscuits in the tin will win.
You have an allotted time to do so.
Can we put more than one biscuit up there in one go? Shove as many up your crack as you can.
LAUGHTER How many will yours hold? Well, I'm hoping, because I have a larger derriere than my friend here I've got a really deep crack.
Have you? LAUGHTER Oh, right, OK.
Fearne's is so deep it comes back out of the front.
LAUGHTER Ready? So ready.
But are you really ready? Yeah.
KLAXON CHEERING Oh, look at Holly going.
There she goes.
Deposit.
Holly is in.
Fearne's doing a dance.
She's dancing, she's dancing.
Oh yeah.
She dropped it! She dropped it! Get it back in.
Clench! Clench! Drop.
Come on, Holly.
What you got in there? You dropped it, you dropped it, you dropped it! Look at her walking, "I've got piles! I've got piles!" DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING That was so close.
Oh, yes! Jammy dodger.
Yes! Put it in.
That was in.
I bet Holly could do autographs with her arsehole.
Oh, she's skipping.
It's a skipping magic skipping rope.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
KLAXON There's the klaxon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FEARNE: I got a big'un.
HOLLY: You did.
There's a broken one, that's six.
Six there.
I haven't finished! Does that count as a seven? That's a seven.
Seven.
What about this little nugget? Eight.
Mm.
Wow.
Oh, God.
How many did you shove up there in one go? I was whacking them up there.
APPLAUSE Fearne wins a prize! Oh, my God.
I thought I would win that.
No, I was shoving them up there.
Were you? We've got an action replay, and just check out Rat Soup's face.
What are you watching? What are you watching, you dirty pigs? Yeah, boy.
Look at that.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three.
Coming up after the break: Any final words? I'm sorry, Mum.
LAUGHTER BLOOP BLOOP BLEEP Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Fearne.
You know what it's like when you're waxing, don't you? Especially your chest, when you're waxing your chest it can be painful, can't it? Yeah, and the old balls and crack.
Well, what I've done.
I've tried to come up with a technique so it's less painful for guys.
So, let's play: Ah, you fucker! # Everybody hurts# Hello, hello.
Welcome to my new salon, Wax-Su.
I think this salon is going to be a success.
I hope it is, we'll find out.
Basically, in this game, what I'm going to do is try and wax one of our panellists.
If they scream out, they won't win a point for the team.
But if I successfully distract them, they will win points for their team.
First up, it's Ashley from Rat Soup.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE As you can see, Ashley from Rat Soup has now taken his top off.
That's my gift to the mums out there.
CHEERING You want to get yourself to the gym, you.
You fat bitch.
LAUGHTER So, um, we've stuck the waxing strip on your chest there.
Yep.
If you let out a squeal, you won't get a point for your team.
Now, I've told you.
It's all different techniques I'm using here.
All guys like tennis.
We like sports and stuff, so I'm going to play a bit of tennis in front of you.
You'll be like, "Wow, tennis is cool," and hopefully be distracted.
And then you won't let out a squeal, yeah? And you win a point for your team.
It's so easy.
You ready? What happens if it doesn't come off? It will.
LAUGHTER So, we're gonna have a countdown.
Let's start the countdown.
VOICEOVER: 50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45, 44, 43, 42 Can we just forward it, forward it, forward it.
VOICEOVER: 23, 22, 21 Forward it a bit more.
VOICEOVER: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This wax strip's really stuck on.
Have you got another ball? DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER Let's have an action replay and see if you squealed.
A slight sound, no point for your team, I'm afraid.
Wah, wah, wah, wah.
Next up is Joel Dommett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Joel is now on the floor.
We've attached the wax strips to the inner, upper thigh.
It's quite hairy there, innit? I feel like I'm at the gynaecologist.
LAUGHTER This one, we're using a car to distract you.
Because guys like cars, don't they? We like cars.
That car over there, man.
Point for your team if you don't squeal.
Any final words? Um, I'm sorry, Mum.
LAUGHTER OK, here come the beeps.
BLOOP BLOOP BLEEP Argh! LAUGHTER I squealed.
Ahh.
Ooh.
Ah! AUDIENCE: Off! Off! Off! Off! Do you want me to do it? Right, basically, I'm really sorry about this, but you've got to smooth it down the line with the hair.
I'm not going to rip it off yet.
Ahh! It looks like you've shit yourself.
LAUGHTER Slo-mo! Well, for your bravery, I've been told by the adjudicators er, that you will indeed receive five points for Fearne's team.
CHEERING DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! # Everybody hurts# Eamonn, you know a lot of people these days are making wedge from Netflix, aren't they? Doing television shows for Netflix.
That's right, yes.
Have you done anything for Netflix? No, I've not actually.
I like to keep my allegiance to ITV.
LAUGHTER And Channel 5.
Occasionally, if the money is right, if the money is right.
Well, I thought I'd dip my finger in some of that Netflix pie.
I've come up with an idea for a soap drama type thing.
It's called Surgeon Nohands, and let me give you a quick synopsis on it.
It's about a really famous surgeon, yeah, and he's working really hard.
He's slightly arrogant.
He's Swedish.
He is travelling on the way home, and he crashes into a Londis in his Volvo.
His hands become a tin of beans and a Pot Noodle.
How can he survive with such hands? Well, he does.
Would you like to play the role of him? If you play it well, I think we've got a commissioner from Netflix in the audience.
There he is.
He looks like he's from the Matrix, also.
If he agrees on commission, you win a point for your team.
Would you like to have a go, Eamonn? Depends what the money is like.
I'll give you a pound.
IMITATING EAMONN: A pound? What? A pound? No, pound.
I said a pound.
How about you? Aye, he's a wee devil, he is.
So he is.
I don't know if I can sustain this for an hour.
LAUGHTER Are you up for it? All right, come on, let's do it.
Here it is.
It's my first draft script.
Netflix, check this out.
LAUGHTER It was dark, and it was a stormy night, and Surgeon Nohands was in his surgery after a long shift.
He was tired.
Oh, my God.
I'm spent.
Oh, no.
Am I Swedish? You're Swedish.
SWEDISH ACCENT: Oh, my God.
I'm spent.
LAUGHTER And a little aroused.
Oh! I was just having a wee think about Ruth.
Er, hurdy-gurdy.
You've got some lines on the monitor there.
Swedish! Swedish! Hello.
I am Surgeon Nohands.
I wish I could His pants are falling down.
I didn't even I didn't even know.
LAUGHTER Hello.
I am Surgeon Nohands, and how I wish I could splice my hands from the Pot Noodle pot, and the tin of beans.
It's the one operation I can't do.
Surgeon Nohands makes his way to his desk.
He helps himself to a glass of scotch, and drinks it.
LAUGHTER Don't drink it, you might get glass in your mouth.
Suddenly, the surgery doors swing open.
Ooh! PARP LAUGHTER Who made PARP Hello, Surgeon Nohands.
I've got a chronic farting problem.
Oh, my goodness me! PARP PARP I think I might need some anti-farting tablets.
Goodness me, what a terrible smell! Surgeon Nohands bravely pours anti-farting pills in Cath's mouth, followed by water.
Just, stay there and be patient, patient.
PARP PARP PARP PARP Oh, my God.
Oh, I do apologise for the repugnant smell.
PARP Open a window, will you? Help me Oh! PARP Here.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
Take this many.
LAUGHTER Quick, get some water! You'll need a little bit of water.
Bleugh! I can smell the smell again, the pills take time to work! Oh, gosh.
Suddenly, another patient turns up.
Oh, heavens, what a busy day! LAUGHTER The doors open again.
The doors open again! Gooding.
Joel Drommett, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Surgeon Nohands, please.
Please help me.
I have chronic tonsillitis, and I need some ice cream but I can't Oh, God.
I can't move my arms because they are broken.
Don't worry.
LAUGHTER I am the great Surgeon Nohands, the best surgeon in the whole, wide world.
And, I'm here to fix you.
Surgeon Nohands goes to get the selection of ice-creams.
How convenient.
LAUGHTER First, he feeds Joel the chocolate one, because it's Joel's favourite.
Eurgh.
My favourite.
Was it tonsillitis you had? This can only help.
LAUGHTER Thank you, Surgeon Nohands, you are my hero.
LAUGHTER Surgeon Nohands is so pleased with the results, he makes dreams come true for Joel, by turning him into a unicorn, using the ice-cream.
I could do with some of that on my inner thigh.
It couldn't get any worse, unless I was having my dick waxed.
Oh, this is Yes! He's a unicorn! Surgeon Nohands, everyone.
Triumphant again! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our patient is so happy, he flees the hospital.
LAUGHTER The break is on.
Our patient stays in the hospital because he loves it so.
Less private.
Let's find out what our commissioner thinks.
Have we got a commission? That's a yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We'll be back with much more funniness in the hospital, after these important messages.
See you in two! Coming up after the break: In three words, describe your lovemaking technique.
Short, sharp shock.
LAUGHTER Hello! Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? Yeah.
I don't want to go all Butlins.
I can't hear you! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Are you having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I say, I say, I say.
OK, there's lots to play for in our final round, it's the buzzer round! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chnacer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? 'Rat Soup.
We're better than One Direction, you get me?' LAUGHTER Blowing your own trumpet there.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? JIBBERISH OK, here's the first question.
Who had sex most recently out of the members of Rak-Su? FEARNE'S BUZZER That was Fearne's team.
Um LAUGHTER The one in the hat.
LAUGHTER Does your hand count? Does your hand count? No.
Well then, it's definitely not me.
It was Ash.
Was it Ash? It wasn't, but I'll take the hit for my boy.
LAUGHTER What did Prince Harry and Meghan named their new puppy? HOLLY'S BUZZER Is it Oz? That's correct.
Eamonn Holmes, in three words, describe your lovemaking technique.
Short, sharp shock.
It's true.
Ah, yeah.
APPLAUSE Why does Joel Dommett look excited here? HOLLY'S BUZZER Has he just had a back, sack and crack? LAUGHTER No, I think I've got my dick caught in the decking.
Let's have a look, let's have a look.
Can we pan out? Point FOR the person who can demonstrate the best floss.
Oh, I can do that.
FEARNE'S BUZZER I've got this.
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Point for their team for the first person who puts their shoes on their hands.
HOLLY'S BUZZER Me! Smashed it.
Look at that.
It was Joel Dommett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE True or false? Eamonn, you have the biggest ball-sack on daytime TV.
Now, David Dickinson comes a close second.
LAUGHTER But you're right, I do.
That's a point for your team.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BUZZER That's the buzzer.
That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Ooh, it's been an utter thrashing.
Hold your head in shame.
That's right, it's Fearne's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's Keith Lemon, if I don't see for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! MUSIC: 'Freak Like Me'