The Simpsons s20e04 Episode Script

(HUMMING) Hello.
I'd like to vote for president, governor, and anything that will take money away from our parks and libraries.
Use machine number three.
(HUMS) (GROANING) I can't fit in the booth.
Use the double-wide.
Ooh! One of those electronic voting dealies! ELECTRONIC VOICE: One vote for McCain.
Thank you.
(LAUGHING) No.
I want to vote for Obama.
Two votes for McCain.
(EX CLAIMING) Come on, it's time for a change! Three votes for McCain.
No, no, no! Six votes for President McCain.
Hey, I only meant one of those votes for McCain! (GASPS) This machine is rigged! (GRUNTS) Must tell President McCain.
This doesn't happen in America.
Maybe Ohio, but not in America! (HOMER SCREAMING) Okay.
All I need is a Christmas gift for Lisa.
I don't have time to read all that.
(HUMMING) Hmm.
Montreal Expos jersey, Somber String, jacks, no ball, and a Slunky.
Oh, I wouldn't give these to my worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.
Girls don't like trucks.
Come back when you're something else.
(HONKING) (GASPS) Perfect! Merry Christmas, Dad.
We bought you three more minutes of oxygen.
Thank you, son.
Can I play with it outside? Can I? Can I? (CHUCKLING) Sure.
(LAUGHING) (LAUGHING LOUDLY) Hmm.
Hey, Lise, I think I see one with your name on it.
I don't know how you could top last year's gift.
A box of your burps.
Yeah.
Here's your stocking stuffer.
(BURPS) Wow! A Malibu Stacy Convertible! Oh, Bart! An actual present.
That's right, Maggie.
It's a car.
MALIBU STACY: Let's go to the (CHOKING) Posibots, transform! ALARM CLOCK: Snooze! LAMP: Three-way! BOOM BOX: Melody! (GRUNTING) What? Wait a minute.
We're missing Sex Toy.
(SUGGESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) - Where have you been? - Where haven't I been? (CHUCKLING) Hmm.
Is there something different about the kitchen? - No.
- No.
No.
Well, the toaster's never lied to me before.
PINKROBOT: Hup, two SEX TOY: Nice planet.
(HUMMING) (HOMER SCREAMING) - Posibot engaged.
- Battle commencing in ten, nine, eight Hey! Hey, Homer.
How was your Christmas? It was okay.
I got Seinfeld, Season Seven.
Finally, a Boxing Day that lives up to its name! - Lisa, what's happening? - Well, if I had to guess, I'd say that two alien robot races who've been battling for centuries have chosen our planet as the site for their ultimate confrontation.
It is a good planet to settle things on.
Oh! Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Look! You have made the nacho machine cry.
Cool! Carnage Destructicus, the moment has arrived, our final battle! Your final battle, Bestimus Mucho! Stop it! Just because you're mad at each other doesn't mean you have to destroy our town.
- That does not compute.
- Really? It computes a little.
What's this whole intergalactic tiff about, anyway? - You know, I don't remember.
- Neither do I.
Maybe the non-transformer thing is right.
Thank you, human grandmother, for pointing out that it is futile to fight if we do not know why.
And now that we are not fighting each other, we can team up to enslave your planet.
That's great, because working together, you can Oh! (ALL SCREAMING) Okay, who's the idiot who taught them what foosball was? I thought they might enjoy it.
Okay, Maggie.
We'll be back in three hours.
Or longer, if something happens to us.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
She doesn't know anyone here.
Look, sweetie.
There's a familiar face.
Krusty! (GIGGLING) Hey, hey, kids! Your old pal Krusty's gonna teach you five new words: Unlicensed use of my image.
All right, boys.
See those Krustys nobody paid me for? Sandblast them! Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me? Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
Hey, my intellectual property rights were being infringed.
Do you know how that feels? Do you? Huh? Do you? (SCREAMING) One, two, three.
One, two, three.
It's no use.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Mr.
Simpson, you have quite a talent for killing celebrities.
(LAUGHING) Well, I'm no drunk driving.
I'd like to introduce you to some stereotypical ad men.
Simpson, we got a swell little notion for you.
Did you know you can put a dead celebrity in a commercial and you don't have to pay them a thing? Oh, my God! You finally did it! You mixed Buzz Cola with the smooth, rich taste of lemon! Unfortunately, there are certain stars who won't do what we want.
What's their problem? They're still alive.
And then we thought, "Who's good at killing celebrities?" Me! That's right! Homer, would you be willing to acquire some more accounts for us? Well, you know, it is awfully hot today.
(CHUCKLING) Now I'm too cold.
Mmm.
(PS YCHO KILLER PLAYING) Psycho killer Qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away Oh, psycho killer Qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away Psycho killer Qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away We can't just sit here while they exploit our images.
MAN: Hey, John Wayne, have you heard about Stockswapper.
Org's low, low transaction fees? Sounds like quite a deal pilgrim.
I hate trans action fees.
(LAUGHING) Hey, George Washington! See if you think this is funny! (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING ON ORGAN) MAN: It's the Springfield Wedding Chapel's annual President's Day marriage-a-thon! That ad implies that Mr.
Lincoln and I are betraying familiarities! It's an outrage! (CHUCKLES) Yes, an outrage.
(ALL GRUMBLING) (HORSE NEIGHING) So are we gonna sit here flapping our jaws or are we gonna do something about it? Now wait just a gosh-darn minute here.
We can't go taking the law into our own hands.
These are people with hopes and dreams Put a sock in it, mush mouth! All we are saying is let's eat some brains! (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Great party, Homer.
Murdering Kate Winslet paid for that chocolate fountain.
(HORSE NEIGHING) (STUTTERING) Golda Meir! (HA VA NAGILA PLAYING) Mmm.
- You ripped me off, see? - No, I didn't, see? You're gonna pay for what you done, see? (GRUNTS) I always thought I'd die of hepatitis, see? Rip Taylor? You're not even dead! Someone needs to check my apartment! (LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (GASPS) Let's get him! Little sister, is that moustache coming or going? Well, your wife likes it.
(LAUGHING) You're all right, goofy grape.
People, please! We're here to kill this jerk! Before you kill me, I gotta know, what is the one true religion? It's a mix of voodoo and Methodist.
(HOMER LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Shouldn't have left the key under the mat, suckers! So what do you do for fun around here? Well, tonight we've got a poker tournament at the rec center.
Ooh! After you, Mr.
Pennyface.
- Is your wife up here? - (LAUGHS) Well, we have an understanding.
Mmm.
(LINUS AND LUCYPLAYING) (YAWNING) Good grief.
- I like your witch costume, Lisa.
- I'm not a witch.
I'm a Wiccan.
Why is it when a woman is confident and powerful, they call her a witch? (TROMBONE PLAYING) - What did you say, Mom? - Nothing.
I'm practicing my trombone.
So what are you wearing to the Halloween party, Milhouse? I'm not going to the party.
I'm going to the pumpkin patch to wait for the Grand Pumpkin.
That means, "You kids have fun.
" What's the Grand Pumpkin? Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin visits all the pumpkin patches in the world and brings candy to kids who truly believe.
Milhouse, for the last time, I made that up to mess with you! - The Grand Pumpkin isn't real! - I appreciate you testing my faith, Bart.
But it's not necessary.
I believe in the Grand Pumpkin, almighty gourd, who was crustified over Pontius Pie-Plate and ascended into oven.
He will come again to judge the filling and the bread Sigh.
(GASPS) You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Who wants to sing pumpkin carols? I've got a pumpkin carol for you.
(CLEARING THROAT) (SINGING) You are such a stupid moron It makes people want to punch you The Grand Pumpkin's super gay Punch, punch, punch, punch, wedgie! (ALL LAUGHING) Your God is wrong.
Let's get to the Halloween party.
I want to hit the apple tank before all of the Granny Smiths are bobbed out.
- Lise, you coming? - I think I'll stay with Milhouse.
His glasses fog up when he cries.
More Granny Smiths for me.
- Lisa! Lisa! Wake up! He's here! - What? The Grand Pumpkin is here? No.
I'm rehearsing what I'm gonna say when he shows up.
He's here.
He's here! He is here! (LIVEL YMUSIC PLA YING) You owe me restitution! If he sees us fighting, he might not come! Grand Pumpkin, I know you're real.
Why won't you show yourself? (SOBBING) Why? Happy Halloween! The Grand Pumpkin! You are real! That's right, Milhouse.
Your childlike belief has brought me to life.
I knew you'd come! I even baked you a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread! How delightful.
Bread made especially for pumpkins.
Actually, it's made from pumpkins.
(EX CLAIMS) (RETCHING) Uh-oh.
(SHOUTING) Revenge! (SCREAMING) (CHUCKLING) I'm gonna give you crossed eyes, like you might see on an idiot, a stupid triangle nose, and a big mouth full of the ugliest-shaped teeth there are.
Square! And I'm gonna make your friends watch.
No! (MOANING) Ladies.
Stupid.
(LIVEL YMUSIC PLA YING) (MUSIC STOPS) Everybody, listen! The Grand Pumpkin is real! Hey! No hard-soled shoes! (GROWLS) (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, God! Everywhere I look! Pumpkin atrocities! Care for a pumpkin seed? (GASPS) You roast the unborn? (GROWLING) Touch me and I'll cut your friend.
What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin.
- You're a racist! - All pumpkins are racist.
The difference is I admit it! NELSON: I'd rather die than hate! This is all my fault! The Grand Pumpkin said my childlike belief was what made him come to life! Belief, eh? Hmm.
Say, Milhouse, have you by any chance ever heard of Tom Turkey? No.
Who is he and what's his origin story? Well, Tom is a magical turkey who gave the Pilgrims the technology to put buckles on their hats.
Now he appears every Thanksgiving to children who believe.
Sounds plausible.
Tom Turkey, help me.
I believe in you.
Are you looking for a particular part of my brain, or Halt, yon pumpkin, most succulent and plump! I be Tom Turkey! A giant talking turkey? Preposterous! Prepare for the Almighty's judgment, thou stinking fruit of rotted vine! Pumpkin segregation forever! (GROANING) I can't live on the outside! I can't! (MOANING) Milhouse, your childlike innocence saved us all! Tom, how can we repay you? How about a Thanksgiving feast? You can carve the turkey! (GASPS) You eat turkeys? Yeah, it's delicious! Especially when we take stuffing and shove it up the turkey's ass.
Revenge! (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Looks like those kids found the true spirit of Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or whatever.
And for those of you who feel like we've trampled on a beloved children's classic, I encourage you to write to the following address.
Happy holidays, everyone! English - US - SDH