The Simpsons s20e05 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (CLOCK CHIMING) (CAR HORNS HONKING) BILL: Bill and Marty here in the middle of another 4th of July Weekend Shock Jock Talk Block.
All weekend long, we'll be counting down the top 500 wacky sound effects of all time.
MARTY: And here's number 499.
Where were you when you first heard this? (TWANG) I'll tell you where I was.
I was out eating (CHINESE MUSIC PLA YING) I think I had Kung Pao And I ended up on the (TOILETFLUSHING) I can't listen to this anymore.
Nobody shuts out my blather! Uh-oh.
Homie, let's pick up those hitchhikers.
They don't look like the stabby kind.
Mom, you said all hitchhikers were drug-crazed thrill seekers.
I said they were thrill-crazed drug seekers.
Don't put words in my mouth.
Thanks for stopping.
This is my girlfriend Beatrice.
(GIGGLES) Young love.
(CHUCKLES) - Were we ever that stupid? - Of course we were.
Marge, I thought of a new thing.
It's called biking out.
It's a combination of biking and making out.
I don't know.
Come on.
All the teens on bikes are doing it.
(SCREAMING) Howdy-do, strangers? Hop on in before you become a couple runneth over.
Ned, are you sure? They're covered with mud.
And in that mud, I'm planting the seed of friendship.
Name's Ned Flanders.
As the elephant said to the peanut vendor, toss those in my trunk.
Marge, I love this guy.
- Put her there, muddy buddy.
- He rhymes! Oh, happy day.
So are you two engaged, engaged to be engaged? No.
We thought we'd wait a little while.
Really? Not married? And you were bicycling two abreast? I wish.
We were bicycling to a lake.
(LAUGHS) Word play.
Never cared for it.
But it's never too soon for you two to join the "I do" crew.
Now I'm not saying it's all Jell-O with Cool Whip.
She'll nag you.
She'll try to change you.
You'll be fighting the same basic fight for years and years and years Ned, don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit? I think I'd like to finish my sentence.
And years.
Um How long have you two been married? Since 2:00 this afternoon.
Welcome to our honeymoon.
(BOTH EX CLAIM) Marge Bouvier, will you not marry me? Homer Simpson, I would be delighted not to marry you.
Then I now pronounce us just dating.
(GROANING) I love kissing you.
I never want to knock it off.
Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings? Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that Gameboy! Yes, sir.
Avast, you I'm cuckoo for killing stuff! Video games, the reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.
I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.
- Hey! Everybody pees in the pool.
- Not from the diving board.
(MUMBLING) Why do we have to have these two jerks along? I can't - You're driving too fast.
- You're losing your hair.
- You sneeze like a girl.
- Your neck looks like a sideways ass.
HOMER: That's it! Eat gravel, hags! Homer, that was rude and shortsighted.
Patty and Selma have the map.
I have the situation under control.
The compass needle is pointing east.
That's the fuel gauge.
HOMER: Uh-oh.
How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? You haven't said you're sorry.
I know.
I was hoping the number might be zero.
(MARGE GRUNTING) (DOORBELL CHIMES) - Can we use your phone? - Of course.
It's just past the sushi bar, behind the limbo pit, right in front of the blackjack table.
And feel free to stay.
We just put out the cheese.
We have cubes of yellow, cubes of orange and cubes of orange and yellow.
A really fun party full of colored cheeses and awesome stuff to do? Doesn't seem like your kind of thing, Marge.
We'll stay for one hand roll or two nigiri.
Then we have to get back to the kids.
Let my dad enjoy them a little longer.
(ABE LAUGHING) Stop! Stop! - Where are the cookies? - I don't remember! Wrong answer! (MOANING) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Oh.
- For me? - No.
Get two of your own.
(LAUGHING) You're a funny one.
That's strong.
Are you trying to get me drunk? No.
I'm trying to get me drunk.
You know, my horoscope said I'd meet the man of my dreams tonight.
Well, a horoscope would never lie to a pretty girl like you.
You are adorable.
Are you alone? - No.
I'm talking to you at this great party.
- Well, then would you like to limbo? Limbo? You mean the dance or that place where unbaptized babies go? Either way, I'm in.
(LIMBO MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Every limbo boy and girl AII around the something world Gonna do the limbo rock Something something limbo something Limbo low now.
How low can you go? That's how low you can go! Why are you dancing with that strange woman? She's not strange.
She's fun! And she doesn't get jealous when I talk to other women.
Well, then she can have you all to herself! How about a sushi fight? Sushi fight! These fish died for nothing! (ALL LAUGHING) Homer Simpson, I wish I'd never met you.
Thanks for the lift.
What a cute couple.
She's gonna take him for a lot of money.
Here we are.
A log cabin? What am I? Davy Crockett? Also, who's Davy Crockett? Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me.
(LISA LAUGHING) (SINGSONG) They have a pedal car.
- (SINGSONG) Pedal cars suck.
- (SINGSONG) They're worse than walking.
(SINGSONG) I'll put 100 bucks in your college fund.
(SINGSONG) I'll take 10 bucks now.
(SINGSONG) I'll steal it back when you're sleeping.
Well, when the sun goes down, it means God's gone to China to watch over those good folks.
Time for some shuteye.
Why, Flanders, you rogue.
All Marge and I need are a queen-size bed and a king-size "Do Not Disturb" sign.
(PURRING) Sorry, Homer.
I'm afraid it's separate accommodations for you notly-weds.
- What? But I have urges.
- That's just your trouser devil talking.
He's not talking.
He's yelling.
(SIGHS) Goodnight, Marge.
(HUMMING) Sweet dreams, my new best friend.
What better way to celebrate our wedding night than by keeping an unmarried couple apart.
Oh, Maude, your dead grandmother's pajamas.
You know what that does to me.
(GASPS) I never thought I'd say this, but stupid Flanders.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
I'm in my own room being chaperoned by an actual Christian.
Well, I just don't trust that Homer Simpson.
He's that rare combination of up to something and good for nothing.
(CHUCKLES) Good one.
We should put that in the file.
Nice.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (MARGE SOBBING) Madame, perhaps I can be of some assistance.
But I can't take a dress from a man who looks so good and smells so clean.
Please.
When you came to the door tonight, I instantly imagined you in a ruched burgundy bias-cut evening gown with a wolverine hem and a contrasting cerise tulle décolletage.
Really? Me? You did? Oh, yes.
With a pair of saffron brocade diamond mink pumps.
Oh! Pumps are shoes.
That explains a lot.
Mmm-hmm.
Marjorie, you look beautiful.
Let me take you for a ride.
Or should I say glide? I'm just happy you're talking again.
You didn't say a word for 45 minutes.
- Marge? - You don't need her, baby.
- Sylvia's got everything you want.
- Do you have a pineapple pizza? - Pineapple and pepperoni.
- This is all going so fast.
We should be getting back to the party.
Marjorie, that party was beneath a woman of your elegance and sophistication.
You Oh, look, a budget motel.
I see the word "Vacancy" is lit and the word "No" is not.
Let us pray the "No" is not broken, huh? Alberto, I'm not sure if this is such a good idea.
First we make love, then we decide if it was a good idea.
That's the European way.
I came here once with Marge.
Are you Marge, Sylvia? Homer, I can be whoever you want me to be.
I want you to be Marge.
Marge? - HOMER: Marge, is that you? - (GASPS) My husband! Why do married women always have husbands? (GRUNTS) - Marge, what are you doing here? - The same thing you're doing here.
You better not be! I mean, great! We both came to rekindle our precious memories of when we were young and in love.
Right? We sure did.
Rekindle, rekindle Okay, let's go.
I have a better idea.
Let's spend the night together right here.
Fine.
But I don't want to sleep in the same room with that chest.
I feel the same way about that lamp.
Okay.
But first the chest.
Okay! There you are! Homie, what's taking so long? Listen, you're a classy lady and a great sushi fighter, but you're going in the box! - Homie? - Coming, Marge.
Good evening.
I am Alberto.
Sylvia.
Let's get out of this chest and go have a drink.
Actually, I am quite comfortable here.
There is a flask of cognac in my pocket.
Do you think you can reach it? SYLVIA: Okay.
Is this it? ALBERTO: No.
But don't stop twisting.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Now let's spend the rest of the night making sweet, sweet Kids? I'm through babysitting these monsters! Good night.
- We won! He's asleep! - And we'll stay up forever! Well, that takes care of those three.
Want to go for a lakeside snuggle? Homer Simpson, you devil.
Well, that takes care of those three.
Want to go play some Lakeside Boggle? Homer Simpson, you devil.
But I think we should unpack first.
All right.
The trick is to ease them off.
(GRUNTING) What is this dump? Ruthie, this dump is where your mother and I met.
It was a tale of betrayal, redemption and a lovely continental breakfast.
Homer, those are our wedding bungees! - Marjorie? - Homer? It's so good to see you.
We owe you two a debt of thanks.
Homer, if I hadn't come to this motel with you, I never would have met Alberto.
(GASPS) And Marjorie, if you had completed your seduction of me, I never would have met Sylvia.
(GASPS) I can't believe one of the most beautiful moments in our marriage is based on lies.
You're just as bad as me, and you used to be better, so that makes you worse! I don't think we can ever trust each other again.
- Ruthie, kick me away from this nightmare.
- Okay.
I wish I'd never met you.
Or you.
Why can't you just admit we're lost? I'll tell you what's lost, your sense of adventure.
Just ask those guys for directions.
Anti-nuclear activist, Dr.
Helen Caldicott? Director Julie Taymor? - Do you love these women? - They're okay, I guess.
Let's just skip to the Windsor knot instructions.
Excuse me, boys.
My brother is lost and kind of a jerk.
If he'd brought a map of the grounds as I suggested, then we Lisa, do you know why I spend every day after school in detention? So I don't have to come home to you! Oh, Bart.
Don't say things you can't take back.
It's out there.
Deal with it.
Oh, great.
Now you woke the baby.
I told you we should've left her with your mother! My God, Bart.
What happened to us? We grew up.
- So I'm sure you missed Marge last night.
- Yeah.
I missed her like five times.
What a charming single entendre.
Now look, I know marriage is scary, but if you really think she's the one, it gives you two a shot at forever! Forever? That would be awesome.
Okay, here she comes.
Why don't you take Marge for a walk, open your heart and see what pours out? I suppose you and Maude will be coming along, as well? Don't you think I got better things to do on my honeymoon than spy on you two? Red Dog, this is Moustache One.
We have possible male-female interaction.
Be prepared to terminate inappropriate contact.
- Ready with the ice water.
- NED: Lock onto his wiener.
We have wiener lock.
Marge, when I'm with you, I get that feeling like when I got that smart kid's report card by mistake.
And for a minute, I thought I had all A's and that my name was Howard Simberg.
- You make me feel that way, too.
- I know we'll get married some day.
And to prove it, I'll carve our names on this tree so all who are hopelessly lost in the woods can see it.
I hate other people's love.
(EX CLAIMS) So that wasn't Marge's glider parked outside the motel five years ago.
I'm getting out of this marriage while I'm still young and handsome! Mmm? (SNIFFLES) Forever.
(CRYING) I couldn't even keep a promise I made to a tree.
Maybe it's not too late.
Maybe I can still save our love! If I just show her that carving - What are you doing? - Saving our marriage! Don't be silly.
Our marriage can weather any storm, just like this tree.
Help! Fat man hanging from a tree! Uh-uh.
That's for fires.
Take my hand! I don't want to let go of our special carving! Homer, our marriage isn't on a piece of bark! It's in us! Now take my hand.
(HOMER SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Marge, I don't want to die with us mad at each other.
Me, neither, Homie.
I know parts of our marriage are based on lies, but so are a lot of good things, religion, American history I know.
We had a fight.
We were both tempted.
We're human.
The important thing is we love each other.
Now we wait for the river to freeze if my theory of global cooling is correct.
Hey, you guys want a lift in my pedal boat? It's not a pedal boat.
It's a pedal car that Bart drove into the river because he knows a shortcut that's not on the map.
How would you like a shortcut to the bottom of the river? If it's your shortcut, I'll be high and dry.
- Knock it off back there.
- But we're married.
- Okay.
But keep it PG.
- How about R? - PG-13.
- (WHOOPS) Adult situations! English - US - SDH