Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e07 Episode Script
Halloween Special - Stacey Solomon, Joe Swash, Richard Blackwood, Danny Jones, Gino D'Acampo
1 Hi, it's Keith Lemon.
Check out my spooky Halloween titles.
So spooky.
You're probably thinking, "Why are all those bats flying around?" It's just an over-elaborate metaphor showing just how scary our Halloween special is.
There's Holly Willoughbooby, firing space lasers at ghosts.
And there's Fearne Cotton, riding a big cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing pumpkins.
Here we all are taking a selfie.
We made it to the studio just in time for t'best telly on t'telly.
What's that telly show on t'telly? It's Celebrity Juice, on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
Aaaaaagh! WILD CHEERING Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Hoorahhhhh! AUDIENCE: Hoorahhhhh! Welcome to the Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! CHEERING Let's meet our team captains.
First up, Holly Willoughbooby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Happy Halloweeen.
You look so good.
So do you.
Who are you? I'm Morticia.
More tissues, more like it.
LAUGHTER We've got a split screen.
Morticia and Holly.
Let's have a look.
Ooh, oooooh! Who's on your team? Well, tonight on my right, his dough balls make me scream.
It's Gino! CHEERING AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! What's with this stupid little girl dress? He's not seen Stranger Things.
You've come as Eleven from Stranger Things.
Split screen.
Let's have a look.
There you are.
You look just like her.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE On my left, he's McFlying solo tonight.
It's Danny Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's scary.
Is it really Danny Jones? Speak words.
Sing a song.
# It's all about you LAUGHTER # It's all about you, baby Oh, it is! It IS me! I thought it were Gene Simmons.
LAUGHTER Who have you come as? The Ring.
The bird out of The Ring.
The bird out of The Ring.
Have we got a split screen? There he is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You look fit as well, cos you've come as Uma Thurman from Kill Phil.
LAUGHTER Bill.
That's what I said.
Kill Bill.
we've got a split screen.
APPLAUSE Who's on your team? On my left is a vampire that doesn't suck.
It's Richard Blackwood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, you're just got your normal clothes on.
I have.
This is my normal attire.
You've come as Blade.
There you are.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my right is a doll on the loose and a nun on the run, It's Joe Swash and Stacey Solomon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Terrifying.
It don't look like lovely Joe Swash to me.
We've got a picture of the nun you are supposed to be, which is from The Conjuring.
There it is.
LAUGHTER Stacey, you've come as Annabelle from the film Annabelle.
I wanted to go really sexy, like everyone else, so I thought LAUGHTER Let's have a look.
Oh, it's so attractive.
You know what she looks like? Worzel Gummidge's girlfriend.
LAUGHTER Don't she? APPLAUSE Aunt Sally.
GUFFAWS I tell you what, we've not done a split screen of me.
I'm David, Kiefer Sutherland, from The Lost Boys.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It looks like you've got a pair of bollocks with eyes on your forehead.
Shut up, bastardo.
LAUGHTER Hey, Gino's back! CHEERING AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! # He's a lazy, Italian bastard # A lazy, Italian bastard He's a lazy, Italian bastard LAUGHTER Where you been? What do you mean I was on holiday! For a month?! In Stranger Things, Eleven can control things with her mind.
If you could control things with your mind, would you look at Gordon Ramsay and do the thing she does in Stranger Things, and go, "Lick-a my arsehole.
" LAUGHTER Not really, no.
Not with Gordon Ramsay, no.
Yeah, but you'd like your arsehole licked, wouldn't you? Who told you that? LAUGHTER You fucker, you don't say this kind of thing.
That was personal.
He was telling me about his exploits.
He was saying, "I like-a to have-a my arsehole licked.
" Nice (!) "And it make me go like this.
" LAUGHTER Gino, don't be embarrassed, cos Holly likes her arse being licked.
It's not true.
It is true! It's absolutely a lie.
How do you know? Because I'm me and I'm telling you I don't.
How do you know you don't? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm imagining that I wouldn't be that into it.
Oh, trust me, if I lick your arsehole, it will be fantastic.
LAUGHTER No, not me.
# It's all about you It's all about you Danny Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Danny, you're now one of the coaches on The Voice Kids.
Yes, I am.
Oh, look.
Pixie Longlegs and will.
i.
am.
That's right.
He's a very creative dude.
Yeah.
He's got a car factory, he's got a school of, er He's got a school? .
.
of, like, modern science or something crazy.
Yeah.
And what have you done? Absolutely nothing.
LAUGHTER Fuck off.
McFly man.
How long have McFly been going now? Yeah, just coming up to 15, yeah.
15 years, man.
APPLAUSE Oh, my God.
Here's McFly, there they are, a bit younger.
Tom looks like a lesbian there, don't he? LAUGHTER Dougie just smelt someone's fart.
LAUGHTER Is there gonna be a new McFly album? Yeah, for sure.
At the minute, we're all doing our thing You're having babies.
You've just had a baby.
I have, yeah.
Is it true you tried breast milk? I did try breast milk, yeah.
A shot of it.
What's that like? It was like coconut milk.
Quite sweet.
Have you tasted your own jizz? LAUGHTERS AND GROANS He has! He has, cos he laughed out of embarrassment.
On purpose, no.
By accident, yes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE HEAVY ROCK MUSIC Joe and Stacey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Stacey, apparently you and Joe have got some huge relationship news.
All the papers got excited.
We've got OK magazine headline.
I wanna help you with this moment as you tell us what it is.
So I've got some gifts here for you.
# Going to the chapel and we're # .
.
gonna get married Going to the chapel and we're Have you all got your party poppers? OK, what's your big news? We're gonna live together.
MUSIC SCRATCHES OFF LAUGHTER Whoo! Thought you were gonna tell us you're gonna get married.
No, no, not yet.
I've got a good five years, still.
LAUGHTER That's not very nice, is it? I thought you were gonna get married.
Champagne for moving in together, and some flowers?! I'm giving up my freedom.
What? For a better version of freedom.
LAUGHTER And it's Richard Blackwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, you've just signed up to Dancing on Icicles.
Congratulations.
DANNY: Well done, mate.
Celebrities that have signed up are James Jordan, Brian McFadden, Frenchy off of Grease Oh, my God, no way! .
.
and Gemma Collins.
Have you started ice-skating? Yes, I have.
Have you done any lifts? No.
Haven't even seen who my partner is.
Not yet.
What if you're ice-skating with Gemma Collins? Gemma's an amazing dancer.
Gemma did the splits the other day.
Freaked everybody out.
What, on ice skates? Well, not on ice skates That must have been cold on her punnet.
LAUGHTER Richard, you've left EastEnders.
Yes, I have.
You've just starred in in a big British film called Welcome to Curiosity.
And you've been nominated for an acting Emmy and a Bafta.
Oh, right.
DANNY: Amazing.
STACEY: Didn't you know that? I didn't.
Oh, no, that's a mistake.
You haven't been nominated.
LAUGHTER You're also in a live Hollywood remake of Aladdin.
You mean panto.
LAUGHTER I thought it was I'll make you count for that shit.
I'm doing panto in Kent.
Don't No I've got the Hollywood poster.
There it is.
No, I mean, I make it look Hollywood but, yeah, exactly.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Stacey, do you easily scare? Yes, I do.
I hate scary movies, I hate scary stuff.
This was the scariest I could go today.
Well, a birdie told me you scream at things quite often.
We'll put your screaming to the test and play Don't scream! SCREAMING Hello, and welcome to Don't Scream.
In this round, our panellists will step into the bath and I will pull the shower curtain over.
A little bit like the film Psycho.
Then I will pull it back.
If you don't scream, you win a point for your team.
It's that easy.
Do you wanna get in? Not really.
LAUGHTER I don't know why I'm laughing cos I'm actually really nervous.
OK.
Keep your hands in, keep your hands in.
Oh, God.
Keith? The anticipation.
PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC.
Oh, my God! Keith, I can't.
SCREAMS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was me! Let's have a look at the action replay to see if she screams.
SCREAMS Stacey Solomon, we won.
APPLAUSE I'm sorry.
Next up, it's Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I mean, I've already lost this point, let's face it, haven't I? All you've gotta do is just not scream.
Do you scream easy? You know I do.
LAUGHTER Just don't make a noise.
Oh, my God, can you not leave it? I'm having to cross my legs in case I wet myself! LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
I can see your shadow.
PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC Oh, my God.
When is he gonna come through? Oh, my God.
SCREAMS LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh! LAUGHTER Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Joe Swash! CHEERING STACEY: Come on, darling.
Do you scare easy? No, I don't, mate.
You don't scare easy? No, no.
It takes a lot to make me scared.
Right, well, fair do's.
Get in the bath, then.
Yeah, I'll jump in.
You've seen Psycho, with the knife? Yeah.
It's easy.
Good luck.
See you later.
LAUGHTER PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC MOUTHS LAUGHTER JOE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY LAUGHTER JOE CONTINUES LAUGHING Gotta happen soon, innit? SCREAMS APPLAUSE Fucking horse?! Joe Swash, everyone! APPLAUSE Next up, it's Richard Blackwood! Is that your sword? I'm stabbing anything in there.
LAUGHTER You're not gonna scream at anything, are you? Look at you! Blade.
See, I don't like the way you set me up.
But I ain't screaming.
Right, get in the bath.
We have contacted your agent to ask what your worst fears are.
LAUGHTER KEITH CACKLES LAUGHTER Have to take that off you, though.
Why? Just in case.
LAUGHTER Ready? I think I am, yeah.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Joe! Ssh! I didn't say nothing! LAUGHTER I don't like the sound of that.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS Motherfucker, don't you LAUGHTER Yo! Yo! PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC Yah! You motherfucker.
Get back! Agh! Aaagh! I knew it! No, no, it's finished.
Move that thing away from me! I'll only step on it.
LAUGHTER Yo, yo, yo, I swear, if you put that thing in here Richard Blackman, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I knew you would! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break.
HOLLY SCREAMS Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't leave me here! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hoorahhhh! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! KEITH CACKLES Gino, since you've been away we've come up with a new game which I think you'll enjoy.
It's called What's Come Down The Tube? So let's play APPLAUSE Live pre-recorded from a studio in Elstree, it's time for What's Come Down The Spooky Tube? Please welcome your presenter, the world's greatest lover, Mr Keith Lemon! CHEERING Hello-o-o-o-o! AUDIENCE: Hello-o-o-o-o! And welcome to What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Spooky Tube! The show that don't just ask what's come down but LAUGHTER .
.
spooky tube but also asks What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Spooky Tube.
First up, it's Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is a first.
Get your mouth round the tube.
LAUGHTER Kneel down on the love rug.
Instantly regretting.
GINO: Joe, we call this Amateur Glory Hole.
LAUGHTER This is What's Come Down The Spooky Tube! AUDIENCE GROANS AUDIENCE GROANS FEARNE: Oh, for God's sake! JOE: Oh, Holly! LAUGHTER Here it comes.
Point for your team.
Oh, it's gone into one.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Open.
Get your teeth round it.
SHE SHRIEKS SHE SCREAMS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Was that an egg? What kind? It was a hard-boiled egg with mayonnaise all round it.
What are they called? Er a Scotch egg.
Nope.
A Halloween egg.
I'll give you another go.
Oh, I don't want to eat another egg.
It's got mayo and shit all over it.
Where are? LAUGHTER AUDIENCE GROANS Oh, my God! Are you ready? FEARNE: Oh, shit.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is that a pickled onion? Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Joe Swash! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was disgusting.
Some things you're not good at, and this is one of the things I'm not good at.
You're not good at putting tubes in your mouth and tasting things? Just chuck it down.
Don't mess about.
OK, Joe.
This is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROANS So much to hold.
Can't put it all in my hands.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE GROANS No, no, no.
That is naughty.
AUDIENCE GROANS LAUGHTER It's crunchy, innit? I thought it was gonna be soft.
I ain't tasted nothing like that, I don't think.
I thought it was gonna be What is it? Is it some cereal? LAUGHTER Oh, is it dog biscuits? LAUGHTER OK, open your mouth, I'll just put it in.
Ah, I like that! It's a Malteser! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And What's that? I don't know.
I don't know.
What is it? What is it?! LAUGHTER It was pea soup.
Oh, that's not that bad, is it? No point for Joe Swash.
Lovely Joe Swash.
Well done.
Oh, Joe.
Next up, it's Gina D'Acampo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is fun, just like your fingering game.
Just pretend it's an arsehole, Gino.
LAUGHTER RICHARD: If you can lick arse, you can lick anything.
You got it? There it is.
Look like you've done that before, Gino.
LAUGHTER For you guys at home, this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROAN If Fearne says no, it means there's no fucking way you'll Come on, Gino.
Be a man, be a man.
It's not good.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Let's suck it.
Fuck it.
It's very similar to what you'd eat on your Italian Escape.
Very similar.
RICHARD: That is just wrong.
DANNY: Push it right in there, Keith.
I haven't finished.
Final bit.
RICHARD: You've gone back for more.
AUDIENCE GROANS RICHARD: No! No! Oh, you fucking Gino, you might need a tetanus, son.
LAUGHTER Oh, all right.
That is RICHARD: What's the texture? It has the texture of shit.
LAUGHTER Don't tell me it was shit? Well done, Gino D'Acampo! That was shit! And a little bit of piss.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! KEITH CACKLES I am shocked.
The scores at the end of that round are shit-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, do you think you'll ever go back to THUNDER CLAP DISTANT SCREAMING Where's where's Joe? There's a note.
What's it say? FEARNE CLEARS THROA DEEP CREEPY VOICE: 'Dear Celebrity Juice.
This is The Devil.
' THUNDER CLAP 'After doing a routine check on Joe Swash's internet history, I discovered so much porn that I had no choice but to take him straight to Hell.
' THUNDER CLAPS He's got all your problems.
Yours sincerely, Martin T Devil.
' SINISTER LAUGH 'P.
S I voted for Juice on the NTA's long list last night.
I do hope they win, otherwise you'll all go to Hell.
' Ooh, that's nice, innit? Someone rooting for us.
It's so nice.
How sweet.
So, Stacey, you're gonna have to go to Hell and retrieve poor Joe.
You up for that? No, I think Martin T Devil's got a point.
LAUGHTER What about you, Holly? Will you go and get him? Gino and Holly.
Gino, you'll protect Holly, won't you? Of course I will.
Look, I'm ready to protect you.
Hello (?) He's just eating shit on national telly (!) I think we can go live to Hell now.
Let's have a look.
MUFFLED ANGUISHED CRIES Oh, my God.
We gotta save him from Hell.
You need to collect three keys to release him from the cage that the Devil has put him in.
I'm more scared of being in the dark with him! LAUGHTER Let's play Good luck in Hell, right? All the best.
See you in Hell.
Save Joe Swash! Off you go! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, we've got live feed.
We're following Gino and Holly.
Let's see where they are as they approach Hell.
Are they in Hell? We have to kick a fool.
Where's the door? Where's the first room? Go on.
Oh, we have to kick a fool Enter the room.
You you go first.
Try and get the key.
Are you joking? Yeah, yeah, no, you go first.
Ohhh, I'm not going I'm not going in there.
I make sure there's no baddies here.
Look, I'm in attacking mod.
LAUGHTER OK, OK, let's do this.
What happens? SHE SHRIEKS Keith, we don't even wanna go in there.
SHE SHRIEKS Wait a second.
Let's not panic.
Oh, my God, they're taking off! SHE SCREAMS SCREAMS Holly, are you OK? SHE SCREAMS Don't leave me here! LAUGHTER I've got the key! Why don't you tell me you got the key?! I've lost my shoe.
Well, fuck the shoe! Don't worry about the shoe! WOMAN SCREECHES HOLLY SCREAMS Jesus Christ! Can you not stand behind me, please? Let's be nice.
Look Right, go, go, go, go, go.
.
.
I'll do something Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
Ooh, they don't like you in here, Gino.
They've left a really horrible message on the wall.
LAUGHTER Where's the key? The key's on top of t'picture.
Just get it.
Gino, the key's up there.
SCREECHING Whoa, whoa, whoa, the key! I got it! APPLAUSE Oh, my God, I can hear people laughing.
LAUGHTER Just push the door! LAUGHTER It's really dark and it stinks in here.
Hello? Hello? Oh, this is a post office.
No, it's not.
Shit the bed, Gino! It's the Brexit Room! Gino, you've got to get out of here now.
What do you mean? Where is the key? Get the key.
I do cookery show in this country.
Everybody likes me.
No need to send back.
Holly? I can see the key.
Yeah? Have you got it? AUDIENCE GASPS LAUGHTER Please don't deport me! Move, move! APPLAUSE Where's Joe? We've got to get Joe.
Where's the three keys? Joe BOTH SCREAM Just go past them.
You've got all the keys.
HOLLY SCREAMS Oh, fuck! HOLLY SHOUTS AND SCREECHES JOE: Help! Joe! Is anyone in there? Joe, is that you? MUFFLED SHOUTS MUFFLED: Use the little key! Use the little key.
Oh, there it is.
MUFFLED SHOUTS MUFFLED SHOUTS Quite kinky, innit? Stacey will love this.
LAUGHTER Turn it over, turn it over.
We didn't need to get the keys this whole time.
LAUGHTER Mind your leg, mind your hand.
Get out.
EVIL LAUGH What the fuck! Fuck off, Joe.
HOLLY SCREAMS GINO: I come in peace, I come in peace! I come in peace! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a point for Holly's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, what was it like in Hell? You know what, it's that ball in my mouth.
Given me jawlock.
LAUGHTER It's killing me.
I'm so glad you're back.
Oh, thank you, my darling.
So, at the end of that round are .
.
shit-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here's an ad break.
Don't shit yourself.
We'll see you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break # Oh, I said the word.
Shit, no shit LAUGHTER Booo! # I knew I shouldn't have sex with a prozzie LAUGHTER Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Richard Blackwood.
It's lovely having you back on the show.
The first time, we played a game called What's Rappening? That's right.
Because you were a rapping star back in the day? I spit some bars, yep.
So we thought we'd do it again, but spooky it up.
So let's play Wa gwan, wa gwan, welcome to the spookiest club known to man.
Fucking werewolf shit going down here.
Fucking vampire chewing on fucking arseholes and stuff are our sort of thing.
In this round, they do a rap from a word I give them.
Hopefully their team-mates will understand what that word is.
First up is Richard Blackwood.
CHEERING You can't say the word.
OK? Can we have a sick dirty beat, boy? For everyone at home, this is the word.
# This is a thing that summons ghosts # It's a thing that you use to make them evoke and come into the scene # It sounds like something I wanna feel ya # Scene? # Linda Blair did it in The Exorcist To bring the Devil out Ouija Board.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING Next up, it's Danny Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE For all you at home as well, the word is Can we have dirty beat? # Yo, yo, yo # Witches make it in a big black potion If you don't drink BUZZER # Oh, I said the word.
Shit.
No shit.
LAUGHTER Booo! AUDIENCE BOO Give him another one.
For everybody at home.
This is what t'word is.
He got too excited.
Let's have a sick beat.
# It's shit # I'd better not say the word again # Shit, I've got to rhyme a word with 'again' # I'll just say 'again' again # So that's it, again # Oh, hold on, it could be something to do with a mouse # But a bit more bricks and mortar including in this House? # Yes, but what is it tonight? # Cos tonight is a scary It's a ghost house.
# No, very close, very close, Holly It's a Halloween house! # No, very close # But it's a H, though Haunted house! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Joe Swash! Go, Joe! CHEERING Drop a beat, drop a beat.
Here's the word! # Rewind, rewind # Come on, everybody, hands in the air! # Yeah # Walking down the street, I feel like a bitch # I look inside my pants, I've got a little itch LAUGHTER # My knob's all red Crabs! # Like I've been bitten by a mozzie # I knew I shouldn't have sex with a prozzie LAUGHTER Herpes? # When your willie is leaking This way, this way.
Herpes? # When your willie is leaking # Should have listened to your mother SDI.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, at the end of this week's Celebrity Halloween Juice, the winning team is It's Holly's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We nearly won that.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Ta-ra! MUSIC Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Check out my spooky Halloween titles.
So spooky.
You're probably thinking, "Why are all those bats flying around?" It's just an over-elaborate metaphor showing just how scary our Halloween special is.
There's Holly Willoughbooby, firing space lasers at ghosts.
And there's Fearne Cotton, riding a big cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing pumpkins.
Here we all are taking a selfie.
We made it to the studio just in time for t'best telly on t'telly.
What's that telly show on t'telly? It's Celebrity Juice, on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
Aaaaaagh! WILD CHEERING Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Hoorahhhhh! AUDIENCE: Hoorahhhhh! Welcome to the Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! CHEERING Let's meet our team captains.
First up, Holly Willoughbooby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Happy Halloweeen.
You look so good.
So do you.
Who are you? I'm Morticia.
More tissues, more like it.
LAUGHTER We've got a split screen.
Morticia and Holly.
Let's have a look.
Ooh, oooooh! Who's on your team? Well, tonight on my right, his dough balls make me scream.
It's Gino! CHEERING AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! What's with this stupid little girl dress? He's not seen Stranger Things.
You've come as Eleven from Stranger Things.
Split screen.
Let's have a look.
There you are.
You look just like her.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE On my left, he's McFlying solo tonight.
It's Danny Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's scary.
Is it really Danny Jones? Speak words.
Sing a song.
# It's all about you LAUGHTER # It's all about you, baby Oh, it is! It IS me! I thought it were Gene Simmons.
LAUGHTER Who have you come as? The Ring.
The bird out of The Ring.
The bird out of The Ring.
Have we got a split screen? There he is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You look fit as well, cos you've come as Uma Thurman from Kill Phil.
LAUGHTER Bill.
That's what I said.
Kill Bill.
we've got a split screen.
APPLAUSE Who's on your team? On my left is a vampire that doesn't suck.
It's Richard Blackwood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, you're just got your normal clothes on.
I have.
This is my normal attire.
You've come as Blade.
There you are.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my right is a doll on the loose and a nun on the run, It's Joe Swash and Stacey Solomon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Terrifying.
It don't look like lovely Joe Swash to me.
We've got a picture of the nun you are supposed to be, which is from The Conjuring.
There it is.
LAUGHTER Stacey, you've come as Annabelle from the film Annabelle.
I wanted to go really sexy, like everyone else, so I thought LAUGHTER Let's have a look.
Oh, it's so attractive.
You know what she looks like? Worzel Gummidge's girlfriend.
LAUGHTER Don't she? APPLAUSE Aunt Sally.
GUFFAWS I tell you what, we've not done a split screen of me.
I'm David, Kiefer Sutherland, from The Lost Boys.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It looks like you've got a pair of bollocks with eyes on your forehead.
Shut up, bastardo.
LAUGHTER Hey, Gino's back! CHEERING AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! # He's a lazy, Italian bastard # A lazy, Italian bastard He's a lazy, Italian bastard LAUGHTER Where you been? What do you mean I was on holiday! For a month?! In Stranger Things, Eleven can control things with her mind.
If you could control things with your mind, would you look at Gordon Ramsay and do the thing she does in Stranger Things, and go, "Lick-a my arsehole.
" LAUGHTER Not really, no.
Not with Gordon Ramsay, no.
Yeah, but you'd like your arsehole licked, wouldn't you? Who told you that? LAUGHTER You fucker, you don't say this kind of thing.
That was personal.
He was telling me about his exploits.
He was saying, "I like-a to have-a my arsehole licked.
" Nice (!) "And it make me go like this.
" LAUGHTER Gino, don't be embarrassed, cos Holly likes her arse being licked.
It's not true.
It is true! It's absolutely a lie.
How do you know? Because I'm me and I'm telling you I don't.
How do you know you don't? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm imagining that I wouldn't be that into it.
Oh, trust me, if I lick your arsehole, it will be fantastic.
LAUGHTER No, not me.
# It's all about you It's all about you Danny Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Danny, you're now one of the coaches on The Voice Kids.
Yes, I am.
Oh, look.
Pixie Longlegs and will.
i.
am.
That's right.
He's a very creative dude.
Yeah.
He's got a car factory, he's got a school of, er He's got a school? .
.
of, like, modern science or something crazy.
Yeah.
And what have you done? Absolutely nothing.
LAUGHTER Fuck off.
McFly man.
How long have McFly been going now? Yeah, just coming up to 15, yeah.
15 years, man.
APPLAUSE Oh, my God.
Here's McFly, there they are, a bit younger.
Tom looks like a lesbian there, don't he? LAUGHTER Dougie just smelt someone's fart.
LAUGHTER Is there gonna be a new McFly album? Yeah, for sure.
At the minute, we're all doing our thing You're having babies.
You've just had a baby.
I have, yeah.
Is it true you tried breast milk? I did try breast milk, yeah.
A shot of it.
What's that like? It was like coconut milk.
Quite sweet.
Have you tasted your own jizz? LAUGHTERS AND GROANS He has! He has, cos he laughed out of embarrassment.
On purpose, no.
By accident, yes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE HEAVY ROCK MUSIC Joe and Stacey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Stacey, apparently you and Joe have got some huge relationship news.
All the papers got excited.
We've got OK magazine headline.
I wanna help you with this moment as you tell us what it is.
So I've got some gifts here for you.
# Going to the chapel and we're # .
.
gonna get married Going to the chapel and we're Have you all got your party poppers? OK, what's your big news? We're gonna live together.
MUSIC SCRATCHES OFF LAUGHTER Whoo! Thought you were gonna tell us you're gonna get married.
No, no, not yet.
I've got a good five years, still.
LAUGHTER That's not very nice, is it? I thought you were gonna get married.
Champagne for moving in together, and some flowers?! I'm giving up my freedom.
What? For a better version of freedom.
LAUGHTER And it's Richard Blackwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, you've just signed up to Dancing on Icicles.
Congratulations.
DANNY: Well done, mate.
Celebrities that have signed up are James Jordan, Brian McFadden, Frenchy off of Grease Oh, my God, no way! .
.
and Gemma Collins.
Have you started ice-skating? Yes, I have.
Have you done any lifts? No.
Haven't even seen who my partner is.
Not yet.
What if you're ice-skating with Gemma Collins? Gemma's an amazing dancer.
Gemma did the splits the other day.
Freaked everybody out.
What, on ice skates? Well, not on ice skates That must have been cold on her punnet.
LAUGHTER Richard, you've left EastEnders.
Yes, I have.
You've just starred in in a big British film called Welcome to Curiosity.
And you've been nominated for an acting Emmy and a Bafta.
Oh, right.
DANNY: Amazing.
STACEY: Didn't you know that? I didn't.
Oh, no, that's a mistake.
You haven't been nominated.
LAUGHTER You're also in a live Hollywood remake of Aladdin.
You mean panto.
LAUGHTER I thought it was I'll make you count for that shit.
I'm doing panto in Kent.
Don't No I've got the Hollywood poster.
There it is.
No, I mean, I make it look Hollywood but, yeah, exactly.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Stacey, do you easily scare? Yes, I do.
I hate scary movies, I hate scary stuff.
This was the scariest I could go today.
Well, a birdie told me you scream at things quite often.
We'll put your screaming to the test and play Don't scream! SCREAMING Hello, and welcome to Don't Scream.
In this round, our panellists will step into the bath and I will pull the shower curtain over.
A little bit like the film Psycho.
Then I will pull it back.
If you don't scream, you win a point for your team.
It's that easy.
Do you wanna get in? Not really.
LAUGHTER I don't know why I'm laughing cos I'm actually really nervous.
OK.
Keep your hands in, keep your hands in.
Oh, God.
Keith? The anticipation.
PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC.
Oh, my God! Keith, I can't.
SCREAMS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was me! Let's have a look at the action replay to see if she screams.
SCREAMS Stacey Solomon, we won.
APPLAUSE I'm sorry.
Next up, it's Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I mean, I've already lost this point, let's face it, haven't I? All you've gotta do is just not scream.
Do you scream easy? You know I do.
LAUGHTER Just don't make a noise.
Oh, my God, can you not leave it? I'm having to cross my legs in case I wet myself! LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
I can see your shadow.
PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC Oh, my God.
When is he gonna come through? Oh, my God.
SCREAMS LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh! LAUGHTER Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Joe Swash! CHEERING STACEY: Come on, darling.
Do you scare easy? No, I don't, mate.
You don't scare easy? No, no.
It takes a lot to make me scared.
Right, well, fair do's.
Get in the bath, then.
Yeah, I'll jump in.
You've seen Psycho, with the knife? Yeah.
It's easy.
Good luck.
See you later.
LAUGHTER PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC MOUTHS LAUGHTER JOE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY LAUGHTER JOE CONTINUES LAUGHING Gotta happen soon, innit? SCREAMS APPLAUSE Fucking horse?! Joe Swash, everyone! APPLAUSE Next up, it's Richard Blackwood! Is that your sword? I'm stabbing anything in there.
LAUGHTER You're not gonna scream at anything, are you? Look at you! Blade.
See, I don't like the way you set me up.
But I ain't screaming.
Right, get in the bath.
We have contacted your agent to ask what your worst fears are.
LAUGHTER KEITH CACKLES LAUGHTER Have to take that off you, though.
Why? Just in case.
LAUGHTER Ready? I think I am, yeah.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Joe! Ssh! I didn't say nothing! LAUGHTER I don't like the sound of that.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS Motherfucker, don't you LAUGHTER Yo! Yo! PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC Yah! You motherfucker.
Get back! Agh! Aaagh! I knew it! No, no, it's finished.
Move that thing away from me! I'll only step on it.
LAUGHTER Yo, yo, yo, I swear, if you put that thing in here Richard Blackman, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I knew you would! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break.
HOLLY SCREAMS Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't leave me here! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hoorahhhh! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! KEITH CACKLES Gino, since you've been away we've come up with a new game which I think you'll enjoy.
It's called What's Come Down The Tube? So let's play APPLAUSE Live pre-recorded from a studio in Elstree, it's time for What's Come Down The Spooky Tube? Please welcome your presenter, the world's greatest lover, Mr Keith Lemon! CHEERING Hello-o-o-o-o! AUDIENCE: Hello-o-o-o-o! And welcome to What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Spooky Tube! The show that don't just ask what's come down but LAUGHTER .
.
spooky tube but also asks What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Spooky Tube.
First up, it's Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is a first.
Get your mouth round the tube.
LAUGHTER Kneel down on the love rug.
Instantly regretting.
GINO: Joe, we call this Amateur Glory Hole.
LAUGHTER This is What's Come Down The Spooky Tube! AUDIENCE GROANS AUDIENCE GROANS FEARNE: Oh, for God's sake! JOE: Oh, Holly! LAUGHTER Here it comes.
Point for your team.
Oh, it's gone into one.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Open.
Get your teeth round it.
SHE SHRIEKS SHE SCREAMS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Was that an egg? What kind? It was a hard-boiled egg with mayonnaise all round it.
What are they called? Er a Scotch egg.
Nope.
A Halloween egg.
I'll give you another go.
Oh, I don't want to eat another egg.
It's got mayo and shit all over it.
Where are? LAUGHTER AUDIENCE GROANS Oh, my God! Are you ready? FEARNE: Oh, shit.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is that a pickled onion? Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Joe Swash! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was disgusting.
Some things you're not good at, and this is one of the things I'm not good at.
You're not good at putting tubes in your mouth and tasting things? Just chuck it down.
Don't mess about.
OK, Joe.
This is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROANS So much to hold.
Can't put it all in my hands.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE GROANS No, no, no.
That is naughty.
AUDIENCE GROANS LAUGHTER It's crunchy, innit? I thought it was gonna be soft.
I ain't tasted nothing like that, I don't think.
I thought it was gonna be What is it? Is it some cereal? LAUGHTER Oh, is it dog biscuits? LAUGHTER OK, open your mouth, I'll just put it in.
Ah, I like that! It's a Malteser! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And What's that? I don't know.
I don't know.
What is it? What is it?! LAUGHTER It was pea soup.
Oh, that's not that bad, is it? No point for Joe Swash.
Lovely Joe Swash.
Well done.
Oh, Joe.
Next up, it's Gina D'Acampo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is fun, just like your fingering game.
Just pretend it's an arsehole, Gino.
LAUGHTER RICHARD: If you can lick arse, you can lick anything.
You got it? There it is.
Look like you've done that before, Gino.
LAUGHTER For you guys at home, this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROAN If Fearne says no, it means there's no fucking way you'll Come on, Gino.
Be a man, be a man.
It's not good.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Let's suck it.
Fuck it.
It's very similar to what you'd eat on your Italian Escape.
Very similar.
RICHARD: That is just wrong.
DANNY: Push it right in there, Keith.
I haven't finished.
Final bit.
RICHARD: You've gone back for more.
AUDIENCE GROANS RICHARD: No! No! Oh, you fucking Gino, you might need a tetanus, son.
LAUGHTER Oh, all right.
That is RICHARD: What's the texture? It has the texture of shit.
LAUGHTER Don't tell me it was shit? Well done, Gino D'Acampo! That was shit! And a little bit of piss.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! KEITH CACKLES I am shocked.
The scores at the end of that round are shit-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, do you think you'll ever go back to THUNDER CLAP DISTANT SCREAMING Where's where's Joe? There's a note.
What's it say? FEARNE CLEARS THROA DEEP CREEPY VOICE: 'Dear Celebrity Juice.
This is The Devil.
' THUNDER CLAP 'After doing a routine check on Joe Swash's internet history, I discovered so much porn that I had no choice but to take him straight to Hell.
' THUNDER CLAPS He's got all your problems.
Yours sincerely, Martin T Devil.
' SINISTER LAUGH 'P.
S I voted for Juice on the NTA's long list last night.
I do hope they win, otherwise you'll all go to Hell.
' Ooh, that's nice, innit? Someone rooting for us.
It's so nice.
How sweet.
So, Stacey, you're gonna have to go to Hell and retrieve poor Joe.
You up for that? No, I think Martin T Devil's got a point.
LAUGHTER What about you, Holly? Will you go and get him? Gino and Holly.
Gino, you'll protect Holly, won't you? Of course I will.
Look, I'm ready to protect you.
Hello (?) He's just eating shit on national telly (!) I think we can go live to Hell now.
Let's have a look.
MUFFLED ANGUISHED CRIES Oh, my God.
We gotta save him from Hell.
You need to collect three keys to release him from the cage that the Devil has put him in.
I'm more scared of being in the dark with him! LAUGHTER Let's play Good luck in Hell, right? All the best.
See you in Hell.
Save Joe Swash! Off you go! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, we've got live feed.
We're following Gino and Holly.
Let's see where they are as they approach Hell.
Are they in Hell? We have to kick a fool.
Where's the door? Where's the first room? Go on.
Oh, we have to kick a fool Enter the room.
You you go first.
Try and get the key.
Are you joking? Yeah, yeah, no, you go first.
Ohhh, I'm not going I'm not going in there.
I make sure there's no baddies here.
Look, I'm in attacking mod.
LAUGHTER OK, OK, let's do this.
What happens? SHE SHRIEKS Keith, we don't even wanna go in there.
SHE SHRIEKS Wait a second.
Let's not panic.
Oh, my God, they're taking off! SHE SCREAMS SCREAMS Holly, are you OK? SHE SCREAMS Don't leave me here! LAUGHTER I've got the key! Why don't you tell me you got the key?! I've lost my shoe.
Well, fuck the shoe! Don't worry about the shoe! WOMAN SCREECHES HOLLY SCREAMS Jesus Christ! Can you not stand behind me, please? Let's be nice.
Look Right, go, go, go, go, go.
.
.
I'll do something Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
Ooh, they don't like you in here, Gino.
They've left a really horrible message on the wall.
LAUGHTER Where's the key? The key's on top of t'picture.
Just get it.
Gino, the key's up there.
SCREECHING Whoa, whoa, whoa, the key! I got it! APPLAUSE Oh, my God, I can hear people laughing.
LAUGHTER Just push the door! LAUGHTER It's really dark and it stinks in here.
Hello? Hello? Oh, this is a post office.
No, it's not.
Shit the bed, Gino! It's the Brexit Room! Gino, you've got to get out of here now.
What do you mean? Where is the key? Get the key.
I do cookery show in this country.
Everybody likes me.
No need to send back.
Holly? I can see the key.
Yeah? Have you got it? AUDIENCE GASPS LAUGHTER Please don't deport me! Move, move! APPLAUSE Where's Joe? We've got to get Joe.
Where's the three keys? Joe BOTH SCREAM Just go past them.
You've got all the keys.
HOLLY SCREAMS Oh, fuck! HOLLY SHOUTS AND SCREECHES JOE: Help! Joe! Is anyone in there? Joe, is that you? MUFFLED SHOUTS MUFFLED: Use the little key! Use the little key.
Oh, there it is.
MUFFLED SHOUTS MUFFLED SHOUTS Quite kinky, innit? Stacey will love this.
LAUGHTER Turn it over, turn it over.
We didn't need to get the keys this whole time.
LAUGHTER Mind your leg, mind your hand.
Get out.
EVIL LAUGH What the fuck! Fuck off, Joe.
HOLLY SCREAMS GINO: I come in peace, I come in peace! I come in peace! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a point for Holly's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, what was it like in Hell? You know what, it's that ball in my mouth.
Given me jawlock.
LAUGHTER It's killing me.
I'm so glad you're back.
Oh, thank you, my darling.
So, at the end of that round are .
.
shit-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here's an ad break.
Don't shit yourself.
We'll see you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break # Oh, I said the word.
Shit, no shit LAUGHTER Booo! # I knew I shouldn't have sex with a prozzie LAUGHTER Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Richard Blackwood.
It's lovely having you back on the show.
The first time, we played a game called What's Rappening? That's right.
Because you were a rapping star back in the day? I spit some bars, yep.
So we thought we'd do it again, but spooky it up.
So let's play Wa gwan, wa gwan, welcome to the spookiest club known to man.
Fucking werewolf shit going down here.
Fucking vampire chewing on fucking arseholes and stuff are our sort of thing.
In this round, they do a rap from a word I give them.
Hopefully their team-mates will understand what that word is.
First up is Richard Blackwood.
CHEERING You can't say the word.
OK? Can we have a sick dirty beat, boy? For everyone at home, this is the word.
# This is a thing that summons ghosts # It's a thing that you use to make them evoke and come into the scene # It sounds like something I wanna feel ya # Scene? # Linda Blair did it in The Exorcist To bring the Devil out Ouija Board.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING Next up, it's Danny Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE For all you at home as well, the word is Can we have dirty beat? # Yo, yo, yo # Witches make it in a big black potion If you don't drink BUZZER # Oh, I said the word.
Shit.
No shit.
LAUGHTER Booo! AUDIENCE BOO Give him another one.
For everybody at home.
This is what t'word is.
He got too excited.
Let's have a sick beat.
# It's shit # I'd better not say the word again # Shit, I've got to rhyme a word with 'again' # I'll just say 'again' again # So that's it, again # Oh, hold on, it could be something to do with a mouse # But a bit more bricks and mortar including in this House? # Yes, but what is it tonight? # Cos tonight is a scary It's a ghost house.
# No, very close, very close, Holly It's a Halloween house! # No, very close # But it's a H, though Haunted house! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Joe Swash! Go, Joe! CHEERING Drop a beat, drop a beat.
Here's the word! # Rewind, rewind # Come on, everybody, hands in the air! # Yeah # Walking down the street, I feel like a bitch # I look inside my pants, I've got a little itch LAUGHTER # My knob's all red Crabs! # Like I've been bitten by a mozzie # I knew I shouldn't have sex with a prozzie LAUGHTER Herpes? # When your willie is leaking This way, this way.
Herpes? # When your willie is leaking # Should have listened to your mother SDI.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, at the end of this week's Celebrity Halloween Juice, the winning team is It's Holly's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We nearly won that.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Ta-ra! MUSIC Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE