Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e08 Episode Script

1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-arse titles! You're probably thinking, "What the fuck?" But don't worry, it's just another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, it's Holly Willoughbooby firing space lasers through her massive tits! There's Fearne Cotton riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs! Here we are taking a selfie - online presence! Phew! We made it to the studio for the best-selling show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D.
I fucking wish it were, though! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, boy! Yeah! Hoorah! Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Now, unfortunately Fearne Cotton is not here because she's got something wrong with her cock.
Let's meet the team captain that is filling in for her.
It's Christopher Ramsey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How's it feel to be team captain? You've got "C" on the front there for BLEEP.
LAUGHTER How does it feel? Keith, my son being born was the best day of my life until today.
LAUGHTER Who is on your team? On my left, he can sing, he can act and he can point, it's Richard Blackwood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've got a few.
On my right, he's so reem they named an entire county after him, it's Joey Essex! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What can I say? What can I say? Tonight's show's a special.
It's man versus the woman.
And the woman in charge is none other than Rita Ora! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Woman in charge! Woman! Hello! Rita, who's on your team? Oh, my goodness, I'm so excited! Cos I've got my two really good friends.
On my right, we have the brilliant actor and a friend of mine, it's Jaime Winstone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my left, I've got a gorgeous fashion extraordinaire, it's Alexa Chung! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How do you think you're gonna do tonight? We're gonna win because I think I've picked great.
Because we're all boss women and we all do our own thing, and that's what we want to do tonight because CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .
.
we're coming for you! Girls smell! LAUGHTER That's probably the fittest team I've ever seen on Celebrity Juice in ten years.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Holly and Fearne? Don't do that to them.
Fuck 'em, they're not here! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rita fucking Ora! You hold the record for the most top-ten hits for a female.
Yes.
Yes, Rita.
Ever.
Ever! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Rita, it's fair to say that you're FAF.
"Fit as fuck".
Oh, yeah! You can make anything sexy.
Really? We've got a picture of you making a tyre sexy.
Do you know what? It was a really sexy tyre.
Sexy picture.
I tried to replicate it.
Oh, God! See if you think this is sexy.
CHEERING Oh, yeah! The gloves are quite ominous.
What? Your gloves.
But you've got gloves on in that picture.
I do, because I was boxing.
Course you were boxing, yeah.
They're my wanking gloves.
LAUGHTER I tell you what else you made sexy.
Eating cheesy puffs.
I do love a cheesy puff.
Look at this picture.
Urgh! You what?! This is what I mean.
I tend to forget that I don't have clothes on.
LAUGHTER I love a Cheeto.
Look at this.
LAUGHTER That's gonna be my Christmas card this year.
Is it true your mam says she's sick of seeing you naked in these pictures? She says, "Are you ever gonna learn?" I said it's a bit too late.
Yeah, but it's sexiness itself.
I don't do it just to sell, it makes me feel liberated, it makes me feel free, and why the hell not, cos it's my body?! Yeah, boy! I'm into that! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE She's so much fun, I wanna put my finger in her bum.
It's Alexa Chung! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I don't want to put it in.
That's really nice.
It means a lot.
It's great to have you here.
Thanks.
You're famous for being a fashion icon now.
Yeah.
Whenever I see pictures of you, though, you're always on the front row of fashion shows sat next to really famous people.
Like Rita Ora.
Like Rita Ora and Jaime.
Who's the most famous person you've sat next to at a fashion show? Erm Kanye West.
Have you? Yeah.
Chris, have you ever been to a fashion show? God, no! Can you tell? Would you like to find out what it's like to be at a fashion show? Yes.
OK, then, let's play the Celebrity Juice Fashion Show! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the Celebrity Juice Fashion Show! In this round, I'm gonna give you the chance to win two points.
You all get a point each if you can do a really good catwalk.
Now, you might not know this about Christopher.
Christopher is a virgin.
LAUGHTER He's got a baby.
He's a virgin.
He's got a baby.
No, that's just for PR.
Classic.
Makes sense.
You win two points if you don't blow your beans whilst watching them catwalk.
LAUGHTER First one to play is Alexa Chung! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Hot Right Now' By DJ Fresh CHEERING APPLAUSE Yeah! Point for your team! Ramsey, stand up now! Next up, it's Rita Ora! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'I Will Never Let You Down' By Rita Ora CHEERING Oh, yes! KEITH LEMON LAUGHING APPLAUSE Oh, yes, point for your Oh! Hoo-hoo! LAUGHS Stand up.
LAUGHTER Sorry, mate.
Sorry, I apologise for not having an erection! Next up, it's Jaime Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Atomic' By Blondie CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! Call the cops! Call the fucking police! Oh! APPLAUSE Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Stand up, stand up.
I don't want to have to call the police.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER Stop staring.
I feel like a piece of meat! A very soft piece of meat! LAUGHTER And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The Celebrity Juice Fashion Show for a man or a woman! Hey, it's Richard Blackwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, thanks for coming back.
You were on last week.
Today's a very special day, apparently.
LAUGHTER You don't know? You've been on Celebrity Juice four times.
You are now officially a Celebrity Juice friend of the show.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You do receive your certificate and pen.
FANFARE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm a gonna put this up on my wall.
He's got a lovely wall in his house.
Obtuse wall.
What's it got on it? Tell them what's on the wall.
A toilet roll holder.
Just on a wall.
If you need toilet roll anywhere else in the house Because of Keith here I gave it him as a gift.
So I put it up Why would you need toilet roll in the bedroom? Well, howay! LAUGHTER Have you got a bottle of moisturising cream as well? No, I don't He gets dry cheeks.
LAUGHTER Like a 17-year-old boy.
Maybe it's your son's bedroom that we are talking about right now? No, it's mine.
LAUGHTER You have a picture of you ascending.
There's a picture of me flying.
To inspire you in the morning.
So, you're jerking off to yourself in your bedroom? LAUGHTER Dude, just use a mirror like everyone else! LAUGHTER Do you know how sexy you have to be to jerk off to yourself? Joey? Have you reached that point yet? What, jerking yourself off in the mirror? Don't get me wrong, I'm a ten, but I don't LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hey! She's not a Flintstone, she's a Winstone.
It's Jaime Winstone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi, darling.
You've just done the Hollywood reboot of Tomb Raider.
Yes, Tomb Raider.
When I was younger, my mates used to call me the Womb Raider.
LAUGHTER You also recently played Barbara Windsor.
Yes.
We have a picture of you as Babs here.
RITA: And she was unbelievable! Thank you.
But tell me, didn't Barbara Windsor say, "One day you're gonna play me?" Yeah, I sat behind her at an awards with my dad when I was young.
She said, "Oh, you should play me one day.
" And there you go, I did.
Do the Barbara Windsor laugh.
JAIME GIGGLES APPLAUSE Rita Ora? Yeah? Here on Celebrity Juice, we like to make dreams come true.
Some people do call me the dream-maker.
I've been told.
And tonight, we've got one of my friends, Eiji.
He's a Japanese businessman that appears on the show.
You can see he's over there.
Oh, hey, Eiji! He got in touch with me because he wants to marry his girlfriend here on the show tonight live.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Both of them are super fans of you.
And he wants you to marry them.
Is this a joke? It's real, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would love to marry you! Let's do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Eiji, congratulations.
SPEAK JAPANESE Yeah, it did.
Erm Are you excited that we've got Rita to marry you to your girlfriend? Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I guess I'll just take a seat.
Do you want Christopher Ramsey to marry you? SPEAKS JAPANESE Merry Christmas.
Erm LAUGHTER Will you marry him? Course I bloody will! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's do it! Please welcome Eiji's fiancee! WEDDING MARCH PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE RECORD GRINDS TO A HAL Where's your girlfriend? SPEAKING JAPANESE I think he said she got lost on the way to the studio.
I tell you what - Joey? Remember when we get you to find people and bring them back to the studio for a point for your team? Yeah.
Are you up for it? Yeah.
He's gonna do it! So, let's play (SINGING) She's An Eiji Lover! Hello and welcome to the Celebrity Juice Chapel.
This is exciting, cos you're gonna find Eiji's girlfriend, win a point for your team, and they're gonna get married.
There is some obstacles.
I'll find your Richard.
You'll find what? Your bird, sorry.
Richard III, bird, know what I mean? Oh, yeah.
You'll go on the klaxon.
Are you ready KLAXON That way! APPLAUSE Follow the clues! MUSIC: 'Easy Lover' By Philip Bailey, Phil Collins Follow the confetti! Oh, follow the confetti.
Follow the clues.
This thing's really wobbly on my face.
LAUGHTER Go straight.
I feel like I've got tits.
Look for the wedding items and hope you'll find Eiji's fiancee.
Ugh! LAUGHTER Fucking hell! It's all in my face, bruv! GROWLING It's the devil! Run into the dressing room! Stop, come back.
Run past him! Tell him to fuck off! What the fuck? LAUGHTER These are my Prada trousers as well.
He's gonna ruin them.
LAUGHTER Just run past him! Agh! Ow! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I broke my arm.
Agh! Injury! Fuck! LAUGHTER Is there an ambulance? Are you all right? I'll get over it, bruv.
My top's Louis Vuitton as well Go into the dressing room! Go into that dressing room.
I'm injured, bruv.
What's there? What's there? There's a chicken Maybe she's under there.
Lift that up.
I don't know how tall she is.
Where? Agh! Fuck! EVIL LAUGHTER Go through the window! Through the window! Absolute fucking weirdo, man.
Out the window, quick! This is surely a hazard.
LAUGHTER Where we going? Down the alleyway! There's an 87-year-old lady here.
Excuse me? Just get past her! Are you Erm, do you know GLASS SHATTERS Oh, you fuck! LAUGHTER I've just been fucking glassed! APPLAUSE LAUGHTER You fucking bitch! Say, "Excuse me, dear?" Excuse me, dear? Fucking get the fuck out the way, man! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're in the Chase zone, where they film The Chase.
It's where they film The Chase.
THE CHASE THEME MUSIC PLAYS GROWLING They're zombies! Shit the bed! Run! Agh! Run! It's a fucking aubergine! It's an aubergine! Shit! Oh, you fucker! Get the fuck LAUGHTER Fuck off, mate! Agh, you Mate, I've got Prada trousers! LAUGHTER Agh, you fuck Dodge him! Mate, fuck off! That's Eiji's girlfriend! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Get in the Titanic! Get in! Mate, what a salt! LAUGHTER Bring her to the studio! Take your thing off, babe.
What a weapon! LAUGHTER Oh, shit! MUSIC: 'My Heart Will Go On' By Celine Dion CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Into the studio! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Eiji's fiancee! WEDDING MARCH PLAYS RECORD GRINDS TO A HAL All for Eiji, bro.
Oh, shit.
They always say that LAUGHTER They always say that you go for someone who looks just like you.
Where is Eiji? What's this note here? "Dear Keith, I've got cold feet and I've had to leave" It's funny, he can't speak English but can write English.
"I've got cold feet and I've had to leave "but I know what would make my girlfriend happy "is if she gets a kiss from Chris Ramsey on the lips.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Would you like that? You'd like that.
LAUGHTER I'm afraid, as a man of the cloth, I cannae.
No, it just means you can't have sex, but you can kiss her for a point for your team.
It's like the thing from Star Wars! Agh! Give her a kiss! I don't think I can.
You can.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Eiji's girlfriend, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! We're going to an ad break.
I'm off for a shit.
I'll see you in a bit! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello welcome back to Celebrity Juice! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alexa, didn't they name a bag after you? They named a bag after me, yeah.
Wow.
Not like a carrier bag, a fashion bag? That's been eclipsed because now I'm a thing that lives in your home.
Which is exciting.
It's very exciting.
It is quite confusing as well.
Cos they'll be like, "Alexa, lights off.
" And I'll be like, "Ooh," scrambling for the LAUGHTER Let's see how close you look like an Alexa.
Oh, my God! LAUGHTER Let's see if you're as powerful as an Alexa.
Alexa, play me some INXS.
MUSIC: 'New Sensation' By INSX Yeah? Alexa, turn the lights down.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alexa, lights up! It's good, isn't it? Alexa, order me a Chinese meal.
LAUGHTER Just joking.
You can't order me a Chinese meal.
That would be impossible.
CHUCKLES CAR PULLS UP, TYRES SCREECH Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're welcome.
Jaime, have you ever been shopping and your hands are full, and you drop something and you've had to pick it up with your tongue? Erm, no.
A couple of weeks ago, we played a game where we did just that, and we enjoyed it so much, we're gonna play it again.
Welcome to the House Of Tongue.
Hi, welcome to the House of Tongue Arena! This game is simple.
All you've got to do is pick up an item using only your tongues.
Jesus! Then you've got to deposit it into this this dish here.
It would be quite disgusting if we licked tongues.
You could do a lot worse than me, sunshine.
It's a lady's tampon.
LAUGHTER I know you're getting turned on.
Put this icepack down your pants.
LAUGHTER Make sure your tongue's dry, or it's gonna get bigger.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You go to the left, I'll go to the right.
Go on the klaxon.
This is so weird Three, two, one.
KLAXON CHEERING Come on, come on! LAUGHTER MUSIC: 'U Can't Touch This' By MC Hammer You touched tongues! I'm not competitive or sporty, but I think I've found my calling in life.
(CHANTING) Tampon! Tampon! Tampon! AUDIENCE JOINS IN, CLAPS ALONG CHEERING ALL: Oh! MIMICS SAD TRUMPE Chris and Joey, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Alexa and Rita! MUSIC: 'House Of Fun' By Madness So, you've seen how it's done.
Here's your item.
It's a party ring! CHEERING We're gonna have to flip it and then go tongue-to-tongue.
Flip it Like, like LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ooh, they've got it! They've got it, they've got it.
Yeah! CHEERING Tongue on tongue! Divided by a party biscuit.
And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! CHEERING Well done.
Welcome to the House Of Tongue.
Rita, you've got a new album coming out, on November the 23rd.
Here it is on camera five.
It's called Phoenix.
I'm so excited! But what's the message? LAUGHTER Well, Phoenix is about somebody who comes back to life and has another lease of life and a fresh start.
That's the logistics.
What's the message? Is it an up-tempo album? No, it's not the tampon album.
No, an up-tempo.
LAUGHTER Up-tempo? APPLAUSE We've got a lot of talent in the room.
You sing.
You're talented in the world of fashion and television, and you do acting.
Richard, you do acting, inventing, hand gestures.
Of course.
And Chris, you do comedy and stuff.
CLEARS THROA LAUGHTER Oh, Joey, Joey.
You're talented in the field of Being a sick geezer.
LAUGHTER I'm so talented, I don't even know what talent is.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it's time to find out what those secret skills are, as we play CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, I am Keith Lemon, and I am your host on UK and Eire's Got Even Even Even More Secret skills! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE First up on stage is Christopher Ramsey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo! Sorry? LAUGHTER Christopher, what's your name? C-Christopher.
How old are you? I'm 32.
Christopher Ramsey, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Read off the monitor.
READING LAUGHTER LAUGHS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Seven! I can't even count to seven! Eee, doesn't he look great? Number one! Ketchup.
To the music.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE TENSE MUSIC PLAYING CHEERING I've done it the wrong way.
That's fucking chilli! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's the wrong way What was that? It's the wrong way round.
Motherfucker! LAUGHTER That's chilli That's chilli sauce! Well, that'll be a piece of piss.
It's tomato.
I'll have it just to cool us down.
Ketchup! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hurry up, we're gonna run out of tense music! I fucking hope so! Brown sauce.
Ah, fuck me! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mayonnaise! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's got bits in it! It's got lumps in it! That was horseradish! Who put these out? LAUGHTER AUDIENCE CHANTING: Down it! Down it! Down it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I don't want to be team captain any more.
LAUGHTER OK, has he got secret skills? What's our adjudicators say? SIGHS No! You got a golden shower! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC Chris Ramsey, our celebrity virgin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Sir Richard Blackwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard, have you brought any friends or family with you? No, no-one's here.
Are you ready? No.
OK, let's do it.
Go out there.
Read off the autocue.
READS LAUGHTER LAUGHTER TENSE MUSIC (LATINO ACCENT) You got the yeo? Yes, I got the yeo.
You got the money? I got the money.
Bring it.
Fuck you, man.
I don't trust you.
For all I know, you had Tony Menendez killed.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER OK! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You want a piece of me? RANTING OK! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Richard Blackwood, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's baking powder.
Yeah.
OK, let's see what the adjudicators thought.
OK.
You do have a secret skill, but it's not a golden shower.
It's still a point for your team! AUDIENCE: Aww! APPLAUSE BOOING You just didn't take it to that next level, that's all.
I put shit up my nose! You got a point for your team.
He has secret skills, don't he? CHEERING But golden shower? CHEERING The people have spoken! INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC Richard Blackwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Rita, Chris and Joey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, there's three of you.
I'm imagining you're a dance troupe? Erm, yeah.
I guess so, yeah.
We've been together for a couple of years now.
Is this your little virgin friend? LAUGHTER I'm gonna give you three microphones.
Read off the autocue and tell us what your secret skill is.
Joey, you can read, right? I'm good at reading.
I'm good at reading, trust me.
One, two, three.
ALL BEGIN TOGETHER Oh, my God, he's reading the top bit! LAUGHTER That's just your names.
Oh, that's my name, Joey.
LAUGHTER Just hold on.
ALL READ TOGETHER LAUGHTER POP MUSIC STARTS # A lonely mother Gazing out of her window # Staring at a son Oh, it's great.
# If at any time he's in a jam # She'll be by his side # But he doesn't realise He hurts her so much Go Joey! # But all the praying No, no, no! # But all the praying # Just ain't helping at all # Cos he can't seem To keep his self out of trouble Let's go! # Don't go chasing waterfalls # Please stick to the rivers And the lakes that you're used to # I know that you're gonna Have it your way or nothing at all But I think You're moving too fast CHEERING AND APPLAUSE STD, everyone! STD! STD! STD! ALL CHANTING: STD! STD! STD! Listen, I don't care what the secret adjudicators think.
I'm giving you the fucking golden shower! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Secret skill! And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! We're going to an ad break! See you in three! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break Alexa, speak! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hoorah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice, boys versus girls special! Hey, girls, you're friends with a lot of celebrities.
Do you know Jonathan Ross? Yeah.
Here on Celebrity Juice, we like to play a game in his honour called the Wibbly Wobbly Game.
Would you like to play it? Yes! Then let's do so! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the Wibbly Wobbly Game, in association with Jonathan Ross! First up, it's Jaime Winstone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here we go.
OK, here we go.
Ooh.
CHUCKLES LAUGHTER WHISPERS OK, so it's a Cockney rhyming slang.
LAUGHING It's a Cockney rhyming slang.
And it's like slimy LAUGHTER And it looks like a snake but it's not a snake.
And it's slimy and you can eat them.
A gherkin? Erm A gherkin, pickle? Jaime, give me more, give me more.
It's a slimy snake but it's not a snake, so it looks like a And you eat them.
Jellied eels? Jellied eels! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHS Wow! What a rush! Oh, wow! Next to play, it's Alexa Chung! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, it's gonna throw you around! LAUGHTER What about my microphone? LAUGHTER That's it.
WHISPERS Something that comes out a chicken.
An egg.
But it's for fun and pleasure.
LAUGHTER VOICE QUIVERS Come on, Alexa, we've got to do this! I can't! Alexa, speak! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE She can't stay on! It's a love egg.
It's a love egg! Fucking love egg! What's the difference between an egg and a love egg? A normal egg, you fry it, put it in a sandwich.
With a love egg, you shove it up your spadge.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Next to play is Richard Blackwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Look at the strength on that! Core! Wait, whoa! An easy one WHISPERS That's not an easy one, you BLEEP! LAUGHTER OK.
Er, the ladies had one in their tongue but you put it round your shit.
LAUGHTER What? You put it round your genitalia.
A co Keep going.
A co-doh LAUGHTER It's like what you have on your finger but on your shit.
A ring? What kind of ring? A cock ring! Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Richard Blackwood, everyone! That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice! I can tell you that the winning team is Can you believe it? You're a team captain and do you know what? Don't go with it, brother.
Do you know what? I've lost.
Yes, you have lost! Rita's team wins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! Let's dance! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Anywhere' By Rita Ora # Just take me anywhere Oh anywhere # Anywhere away with you # Take me over the hills And far away # A million miles from LA Just anywhere away with you # I know we've got to get away # Someplace where No-one knows our name # We'll find the start Of something new # Just take me anywhere # Take me anywhere # Anywhere away with you # Just take me anywhere # Take me anywhere Anywhere away with you