Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e09 Episode Script
Jimmy Carr, Maya Jama, Jordan Stephens, Brian McFadden, Joel Dommett, Katherine Ryan
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, check out my sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there's Holly Willoughboozy firing lasers from her massive tits.
Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs! Here we are taking a selfie - online presence! Phew, we made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on't telly.
What's that telly show on't telly? It's Celebrity Juice on't telly.
Not in 3D, I fucking wish it were, though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hurrah! Hey! I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to Celebrity Juice, this week, we're sponsored by salad! Hurrah! Love salad, and let's meet someone who loves salad even more than me, twigs and berries and generally just being miserable, it's Fearne Cotton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I love salad.
Who's on your team? On my left, his name sounds like a sonnet, it's Joel Dommett.
I'm running out of rhymes.
I mean, I think we'll talk about that in a minute, won't we? And on my right, it's the delicious Maya Jama and the Rizzle Kicks legend Jordan Stephens.
What a team.
What a team.
Hey, filling in for Holly Willoughby this week, because she's fucked off to the jungle, even though Joel Dommett is here, and he does the show on ITV2, Get Me Out Of Here Even More I Can't Believe It Extra Extra Read All about It.
Filling in for Holly, it's Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I don't know if I can replace Holly Willoughby on this show, I don't think I can get teenage boys through those difficult years.
Jimmy, who's on your team? From Boyzone or Westlife, we don't know, Brian McFadden.
She is as talented as she is beautiful, so I'm putting a lot of her success down to luck, it's Katherine Ryan.
Thank you.
She is on quite a lot of trashy TV.
With you? Yes.
I see your point.
Are you like the equivalent to Holly and Phil? The comedy version? Yeah.
The other comedy version.
And do you have a special relationship like they do? I think they're shagging and she said, "I want to be on every fucking show you are or I'm telling.
" That's really offensive, I got to where I am through hand jobs alone.
Looking at Joel, he's kind of like the salad version of him.
Just trying to make sure I mean, it started off as a joke, and now I genuinely think I'm gonna dress like this for life.
You look rad.
If you slept with me dressed like this, I think it's classed as masturbation.
JIMMY: Well, you know a thing or two about that.
I was wearing a different hat that time.
When I was on this show originally, you gave me an award because it was the most number two watched thing on gay Pornhub.
Has it gone up? It's now number one.
It's gone up.
That's amazing.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Maya Jama and Jordan Stephens! Your show, it's a rapping battle, innit, what's it called? Don't Hate The Playaz.
Don't Hate The Playaz.
Yes.
On ITV2 just before Juice, you got here quick.
So, what's the message of the show? What is it, if we an't seen it? It's like a hip-hop panel show, like No, that's the synopsis, what's the message? There's not really a deeper message to it, it's just a bit of fun.
So it's a rap battle? It's a show that celebrates black British culture.
That show's called Don't Hate the Playaz.
Yeah.
And it's spelt with a Z, it's not E-R-S Sensationalised spelling, yeah.
I've heard that a lot of other shows are trying to make their show even cooler and they're changing their name and putting a Z in, like The Chaze.
THE CHASE THEME MUSIC Newz At Ten.
ITV NEWS MUSIC That would be great, that would genuinely be great.
Songz Of Praize, they're the winners, hands down, check this out.
Zongz Of Praize! FEARNE: Zongz! Oh, wow.
They've really gone to town with the Zs.
I have a question for a friend.
Go on.
I've got a friend who's, like, quite obsessed by Cardi B, and she'd be really into going on the show and doing Cardi B.
Yeah.
But she's a bit shy Who is it? Is it you, Katherine? I know all the Cardi B.
# He said he wants to touch it, And tease it, and squeeze it # While my piggybank is hungry, You need to feed it # If the text ain't freaky, I don't wanna read it # And just to let you know This punani is undefeated, ay! # He said he really Wanna see me more # I said, "We should have a date" Where? At the Lamborghini store # I'm a whole rich bitch And I work like I'm broke still The love be so fake, But the hate be so real, uh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Katherine, I would let you shit on my neck.
I will do that.
Katherine, you're the biggest export from Canada since Maple syrup.
Yep.
And honestly, I would drizzle you all over my pancakes.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice, this is your first time.
Yes, it is my first time.
First time on Juice? Yeah, I watch it, I'm a fan.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
You do a lot of shows with Jimmy, Your Face or Mine, The Roast Yes.
So you must know James quite well.
As well as you can.
I've got a few questions I wanna ask you.
True or false, Jimmy made up his laugh to make himself seem more human.
Shh! JIMMY LAUGHS True or false, Jimmy is a puppet and you control him? Absolutely false.
False, but you have put your hand up there.
Yeah.
Jimmy, have you ever had your arsehole licked? Yeah, course.
What does it feel like? Er No, it's It kinda bumpy, and then But like ultimately, tastes like money.
Like licking a bank sheet.
You raise me up Cos I am Brian McFadden Brian McFadden, everyone! UNINTELLIGIBLE IRISH ACCEN IRISH ACCENT: No, it's big news, you've got big news, haven't you? You're doing Dancing On Icicles, so it is.
I am, I'm doing Dancing On Ice.
Dancing On Icicles, yeah! There you are, there's your press shot, checking that you've still got your buttons on your jacket.
Yep.
You're against James Jordan, Sir Richard Blackwood, Frenchy off of Grease, Gemma Collins, who is your biggest competition? It's probably Didi Conn who played Frenchy in Grease.
She's unbelievable.
You've started skating already? Yeah, we had two days all of us together, and now we're kind of doing private training with a coach, but it's hard.
Congratulations, cos it's just been announced that Westlife are reuniting, yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'You Raise Me Up' by Westlife # You raise me up # To walk on stormy seas # I am strong When I am on your shoulders So, are you excited to be back with the boys? I wasn't invited.
What? To be in Westlife? Yeah.
But you were in Westlife.
I was only in Westlife at the beginning, though.
How long were you in Westlife? Six years.
That's long enough.
I thought so.
Can we just cut all this bit out and just say that he's What about your boy band looks? We've got some pictures.
Let's have a look at some pictures of you back in the day.
JORDAN: Look at that.
Would you like to get back in the band? Er, no, it's been too long.
I thought about it last year and financially, it would be fucking amazing, but if I was to be completely honest, I would only be doing it for the money.
As opposed to Dancing On Ice which is your passion? Sure, sure, I understand, yeah.
Katherine, this is the first time you've been on Celebrity Juice, so what we're gonna do is play an oldie but goldie.
So let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! OK, it's a word association game, you mustn't stutter, you mustn't repeat, but most of all, you mustn't show me your teeth.
And because we've got three comedians on the show tonight, the subject is funny things.
Starting with Brian! Going to do a poo in a public toilet and there's no toilet roll.
Jimmy.
People slipping on the ice.
Oh, touche! People running for the bus and it shuts on them.
IMITATES SAD TROMBONE You know when you're talking to someone and they go to put the elbow, then they do that? When people get caught wanking online.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Joel wanking online.
When someone carrying a ladder turns around, and they hit someone on the back of the head.
A gold-digger takes an old man's house.
When someone can't run fast enough on the running machine and they fly off the end.
Er Er BUZZER When people have no teeth.
I like it when there's a T-shirt and it's a picture of a bowtie but it's not really a bowtie it's just a funny T-shirt.
When you're fucking, and you bend a man's dick in half.
BUZZER Yes, it is.
Er, old people farting on public transport.
My teeth came out.
Sorry.
When people go SNOR when they're laughing.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
BUZZER BUZZER Fuck.
It hurts, doesn't it? It's sore.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Maya, you live with Stormzy, he's your boyfriend.
Yeah.
Now, when I see pictures of you and Stormzy together, I always think, "how come he in't full of joy?" Look at his face, with this fit girl, from telly and radio.
He doesn't like people taking Let's have a look at some pictures.
Look at him there.
He's gonna be angry.
He looks like he's got home and he's had one of those red cards that says, "Sorry, we tried to deliver, but you wasn't in.
" Look at his face! And there's another one.
MAYA LAUGHS Fucking hell.
"You know that smoked salmon we bought? It's gone off.
" Jordan, you were also in Star Wars.
Yeah.
You were in Rogue One.
One of the best moments of it, I was in the Star Wars book, and I didn't know what my character's first name was until it was in this book, and the first name was Stordan.
In so I reckon they just took Stephens and just Jordan, do you enjoy salad? I do.
Yeah, I fucking love salad, it's all new to me, I never used to eat it, but now I love salad.
Do you like salad dressing as well? I like salad dressing.
You love salad dressing! Just for you, let's play Drizzle Kicks, you get me? Hello and welcome to the Drizzle Kicks arena, and as you can see, Jordan is now placed in a large salad bowl.
What I'm gonna do is prepare a lovely salad, cos as I said, we are sponsored by salad, it's so exciting.
I'm gonna make a large salad and then I'm gonna pour on the salad dressing, and all you've got to do is give me the ID of the salad dressing.
Just simply by tasting it, yeah? I've just got to give you the stick mic.
There it is.
Great.
How are you feeling? Oh, mate, really comfortable.
You love salad dressing, don't you? D'you know what? It's my favourite thing.
It's your favourite thing, OK, let's do this, let's make Drizzle Kicks.
Oh, OK, well this is happening.
MUSIC: 'Skip To The Good Bit' by Rizzle Kicks MAYA: How is he gonna breathe? FEARNE: We're not worrying about that, I don't think.
I don't think health and safety's a massive factor on this.
Cherry tomatoes.
KATHERINE: Oh, that's a nice salad.
FEARNE: You're meant to not tell him what you're putting in it.
How are you feeling now? I feel fucking surreal, man.
I feel like Alice in Wonderland in here.
OK, for those of you playing along at home, if you have got a large salad bowl with a hole you can stick your head in, This is a salad dressing.
JIMMY: I hope that's salad dressing.
Right, are you ready? Oh, it's silvery.
Oh, no! BRIAN: No, you can't do that! Is that from your dressing room? That is wrong.
GAGGING You've bukake'd Jordan.
Jordan, what was the drizzle? Oh, it's fucking I dunno, mate, it's like salad cream or some shit.
Yeah, but what is it? I'll just give it a mix-up, see if it helps.
.
No, please don't.
Oh, no, you've made him look like a plasterer's radio.
Yeah, it's Caesar dressing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's a point for your team, Jordan, living the dream! Next up to play, it's Brian McFadden! What? CHEERING Hey, I'm here with Brian McFadden, how are you feeling? I'm feeling really good, this is great.
You look really good.
Probably the highlight of my career this year.
What's your strategy for this game? I'm gonna eat my way out of this shit.
Right, OK, well, let's make some salad.
I reckon, after this, Westlife are definitely having you back.
100%.
It's on.
MUFFLED SPEECH You can't speak unless I've got the courgette mic to your mouth.
We can't hear you, cos you're in a salad bowl.
I just said, "If your cock comes over the edge of this bowl, "I will bite off anything that comes in here.
" Why would I put my cock in a salad? Because you're a fucking lunatic.
Again, if you're playing this at home and you've got a large salad bowl with a hole you can stick your head in, this is what the dressing is.
Are you ready? MUSIC: 'If I Let You Go' by Westlife JIMMY: Oh, no.
The lid came off there.
Why? AUDIENCE GROAN JOEL: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! You got him, that's too much.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna drown! Oh, sorry, that's the LAUGHTER Easy mistake.
JIMMY LAUGHS It's fucking blue cheese.
It's fucking blue cheese! Great game.
Brian? What? You got that so quick, you're so good at it, shall we do another dressing? Fuck off.
Let's do another dressing! Again, if you've got a large salad bowl with a hole that you can stick your head in, this is what dressing it is.
Here it is.
MUSIC: 'Swear It Again' by Westlife.
JOEL AND JIMMY LAUGH JOEL: So, so funny! Can you breathe? Not really.
What if you kill him? This is gonna be such a hard death to explain.
For double points, can you identify the second salad dressing? Is it mango chutney? Some kind of No, no.
It's tomato something.
No, it's not tomato something.
OK, Jimmy, what is it? I can't risk it, but if I was gonna guess, I'd say it's definitely more than 900 islands.
Is it thousand island dressing? That's correct! Brian McFadden, everyone! Living the dream! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We're going to an ad break, we'll see you in three! It's gone in her eye! Do you like it when it hits you in the face? LAUGHTER Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice, sponsored by salad! Fearne.
Hello.
You love salad, don't you? I cannot get enough of it.
Well, in honour of you and our friendship, I've decided we can play a game that's up to you what salad-based game we play.
Let's do the yoga game.
Yo-ga To Get In Shape.
Tell you what, you can even host it, so let's play This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Hello, I am Fearne Yogi Cotton and welcome to Yo-ga To Get In Shape! KEITH WHOOPS GONG So, Maya and Katherine, you'll see that you are lying down on a comfy, relaxed yoga mat in a beautiful yoga setting with some fresh carrots dangling above your heads.
All you have to do is lock in to that yogi core strength and lower the carrot into your delicate mouths.
OK.
Are you taking your trousers off? No, I have to undo them because otherwise I'll get sliced in half.
I asked to play the game that way, but Maya said mouth.
It's not Right, only mouth.
Good.
So, bearing that in mind, with your mouths, the person with the shortest carrot stub wins the game.
Oh, I'm gonna win this.
Capiche? On the chime, start chowing down on the carrots.
OK.
OK.
Namaste.
CHIME There it is! A good, firm chow down from Katherine already.
Spit it out, whatever you like.
Swallow or spit, up to you.
It's all about engaging the core, getting maximum Oh, look at this move! We're going for a shoulder stand.
Going for a yoga shoulder stand.
It's gone in her eye! Do you like it when it hits you in the face? Maya is very precise about this, She's chewing like a little rabbit.
Come on, Katherine, you've got this.
Don't fart, cos we'll know it's you.
That's it, Katherine, you're so close! Katherine you're so close! My legs are too short.
How do you do this? Maya is down to a mere stub.
Yes! Yes! My core GONG That's it.
That's it.
So let's have a look at the two carrots.
It's so unfair.
Thank you very much, Katherine.
I think we can all see there is a clear winner between Maya's and Katherine's carrot.
Maya, you have been enlightened, you are the winner.
Yay! Well done, you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, for any boys, girls, here's a replay.
MUSIC: 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry.
Oh, no.
That was quite delicate.
Yeah, that was all right.
LAUGHTER Oh, Katherine! What are we watching? It was a beautiful thing to watch.
So, next up, Jimmy, it's you Oh, OK.
.
.
and Keith.
All right.
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Welcome back to Yo-ga To Get In Shape.
This time, we've Jimmy and Keith looking so zen.
Are you ready to go? I can't wait, me.
So again, lock into that core, namaste, on the mystical chimes.
CHIMES We're off.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, he's gone straight in.
Look at that tongue.
JOEL: Oh, my God.
You look like a little Ewok.
Look at him spit Just gonna move back a little bit.
Oh, my God! This is grim! Aaah! What's going on? What a game.
Yes! It's gonna be so close.
Keith, you've got it.
It won't come down! You've gotta keep That hit my neck! The fuck are we doing, man? GONG Ah, it's over, it's over.
Genuinely, that was the most fun I've had.
That was amazing.
Let's watch a slo-mo.
MUSIC: 'I Touch Myself' by Divinyls Look at the lips on that.
You look like a hungry koala bear.
That's a great angle.
This is gonna be Who cares who wins.
.
.
so close.
I love you, man.
Is it a draw? We don't wanna do it again.
Can we do it with real dicks? LAUGHTER It is a draw, well done, guys, namaste.
For the scores, we're going to go over to Joel Dommett.
The scores are Sha-ting! Jimmy, you're quite a well travelled person, aren't you? Yes.
Have you ever heard of the Hell-stree Angels? Hell-stree Angels? Yeah, they're based in Elstree.
No! They're a really gnarly group of bikers, yeah, They're nice people, but they have been known to bite the wing mirrors off of cars and shit and piss in their own leather jeans.
But they're nice people and they like to boogie in the bar.
Would you like to go down to that bar and play Name It On The Biker Boogie? Yeah? Let's Play Name It On The Biker Boogie! Hi, y'all! Welcome to the Hell-stree's Biker Bar here in the deep south of the UK in Elstree.
Yee-haw! What's gonna happen in this game is y'all gotta dance and hopefully, he can guess what you're dancing to.
Can you hear me, Brian? I can't hear you.
Brian can't hear cos he's got sound-cancelling headphones on.
Can I ask what accent it is? NORMAL VOICE: Summat from Scooby Doo.
I'm gonna drop a damn dirty beat.
SCRATCHES RECORD MUSIC: 'Earthquake' by Labrinth I predict an earthquake up in here.
Falling down Shaking? Shaking! Earthquake? Yes! Labrinth! Let's have a check, y'all! # Yeah # That's correct, that was correct! Motherfucker, you've got some sick skills.
OK, here's another one.
MUSIC: 'Call On Me' by Eric Prydz Call on me, call on me Call Me! Blondie? Call me Call on me I'm the same boy I used to be Call me slut? I don't Call on me Call me woman? Call me crazy? Oh, oh, oh, it's this.
Call On Me? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's have a listen Yes, correct, you got it! You got that right.
Y'all wanna check out Jimmy Carr? See what he got.
OK, let's have a dirty damn beat.
Still have carrot in my THE BILL THEME Oh, is this The Bill? Siren The Police? Cash.
Write Sick tune, man, I love this tune.
Ticket.
It's a shit police show, come on! Let's sit, if we're eating Big shout out to salad for sponsoring y'all tonight.
Eating! Money, cheque, can I get the bill? Yeah! The Bill? Big shout out to the police.
Here's another one, you dirty bitches.
MUSIC: 'Axel F' by Crazy Frog What's this? What is this? Crazy Frog! What? Crazy Frog? Yeah! You'll like this next one.
Here's the next one.
MUSIC: 'I Want To Break Free' by Queen I want to break free CHEERING AND APPLAUSE YMCA? I mean I Want To Break Free? Yeah! Jimmy Carr, y'all! Yo, yo, yo! Welcome to the Hell-stree's Angels biker bar, I'm here with my main man, Fearne Cotton.
Hey, motherfucker, Fearne, y'all, you wanna get your dick out and have a go at this? Why not, mate? Well, let's have a go, let's see y'all! Let's do this! JURASSIC PARK THEME I love this tune the most.
Zombie! Dinosaur! Angry dinosaur.
Tyrannosaurus rex.
THEY MAKE DINOSAUR SOUNDS Yeah, yeah! Tyrannosaurus rex? Tyrannosaurus Dinosaurs? The film! Film Jurassic Park! Yeah! Oh, yes! OK, here's the next one.
Suck your daddy's dick.
MUSIC: 'Sexual' by NEIKED # .
.
the way that I feel I'm feeling sexual So we should be sexual Sexy, sexy, baby.
Feeling sexy.
Love.
Love and sex! Sexy time.
Sex Sexual.
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yes! Tell you what, I'll take your sister to the park and I'll do the dirty.
MUSIC: 'Orinoco Flow' by Enya Sail away, sail away, sail away Let's make a boat, so we're a boat together.
OK, OK.
Boat! I always thought this was Save A Whale.
I thought it was about saving whales.
Looking out to sea.
Waving goodbye.
Sailing.
Sail Away! Oh, that was good.
APPLAUSE KLAXON Oh, y'all, check that shit.
That be the klaxon! Oh, motherfucker.
Damn.
Damn! Mm-mm.
I know! I can tell you that all the scores at the end of that, y'all LAUGHTER I'm all over the place with this voice.
I don't have it down right now, but the scores are Sha-motherfucking-ting! Check that shit out.
We're going to a break now, y'all, we'll see you after that shit.
Coming up after t'break: Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you hit your penis? I hurt my penis.
My real-life penis.
Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! All to play for in our final round, it's the buzzer round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Jimmy, what's yours? 'IRISH ACCENT: I'm dying to be back in the band, so I am!' Oh, was that Was that done before we knew he wasn't back in the band? 'If you could take us back, I'd be much appreciative of that.
' Fearne, what's your buzzer? 'Man, I'm so fit, innit.
' That's life OK, here's the first question.
Which British celebrity was recently announced as the host of the US version of Bake Off? 'Let us back in the band, you bunch of BLEEP.
' LAUGHTER Be quiet.
Jimmy, you were saying something? Emma Bunton.
That's correct! Oh, I like this.
What's Joel up to here? 'Yeah, I was in fucking Rizzle Kicks 'but I was also in fucking Star Wars, you get me?' Fucking Star Wars legend now, you are.
It's not often I say so, but that's just me making a funny face.
Well, let's have a look.
No, it says here you're jizzing in your pants.
Who is Fearne dominating here? 'Check me on Instagram, look at my face, I'm so fit, yeah!' James Carr.
James Carr, let's have a look.
DING That's correct! When was that? Mate, you look like Roger Federer.
Just sitting on you, pal.
What's Maya Jama sitting on here? Is she sitting on the dock of a bay? JORDAN: Nice.
Don't plug your album now, mate.
Go on, give us a blast.
# Sittin' on the dock of a bay.
# CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cute.
He's freestyling now.
That's actually That's freestyling, baby.
Brian, I've just heard that Westlife have phoned up, you're back in the band! MUSIC: 'Flying Without Wings' by Westlife.
I don't need this shit anymore.
I don't need this shit anymore! He's back in the band! Bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're a fucking liar! What's Maya Jama sitting on here? I'm in a wheelchair.
Let's have a look.
I actually am, yeah.
Holy shit balls.
Who wore it better, Jordan Stephens or a generic Oompa Loompa? 'I'm so fit, look at me, just check me out, yeah?' When did you have that hair? I had green hair.
FEARNE: It's a really close call, but I'm gonna say the Oompa Loompa.
That's correct.
LAUGHTER Point for whoever out of Joel and Brian can do the best caterpillar.
Fuck this, five minutes ago, I was back in Westlife and now I'm doing the fucking caterpillar? Go on, Joel, you can do it.
Ohh! MAYA: Good control.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you hit your penis? I hurt my penis, my real-life penis.
Oh, mate, I really got it.
Fucking hell.
How do you do a backwards caterpillar? JIMMY: Oh, my God, the caterpillar died.
LAUGHTER It's a drunk caterpillar.
The point goes to Joel! You all right, Brian? Not really, no.
Again, I still can't get over that fucking Westlife thing.
What did Marilyn Manson reveal he was selling this week? His rib! The rib that he removed to suck his own penis.
Is that what he did? Yeah.
Wait, have I made that up? KLAXON Oh, there's the klaxon! That's the end of the buzzer round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Joel, you did very well tonight, you dressed as me, I respect and salute you for that, you did the caterpillar.
Thank you.
The winner is Jimmy's team! Yes! Come on! I was Keith Lemon, If I don't see you through't week, I'll see you through't window, let's dance! MUSIC: 'Sexual' by NEIKED I'm feeling sexual So we should be sexual Just say you feel The way that I feel Goodbye!
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there's Holly Willoughboozy firing lasers from her massive tits.
Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs! Here we are taking a selfie - online presence! Phew, we made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on't telly.
What's that telly show on't telly? It's Celebrity Juice on't telly.
Not in 3D, I fucking wish it were, though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hurrah! Hey! I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to Celebrity Juice, this week, we're sponsored by salad! Hurrah! Love salad, and let's meet someone who loves salad even more than me, twigs and berries and generally just being miserable, it's Fearne Cotton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I love salad.
Who's on your team? On my left, his name sounds like a sonnet, it's Joel Dommett.
I'm running out of rhymes.
I mean, I think we'll talk about that in a minute, won't we? And on my right, it's the delicious Maya Jama and the Rizzle Kicks legend Jordan Stephens.
What a team.
What a team.
Hey, filling in for Holly Willoughby this week, because she's fucked off to the jungle, even though Joel Dommett is here, and he does the show on ITV2, Get Me Out Of Here Even More I Can't Believe It Extra Extra Read All about It.
Filling in for Holly, it's Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I don't know if I can replace Holly Willoughby on this show, I don't think I can get teenage boys through those difficult years.
Jimmy, who's on your team? From Boyzone or Westlife, we don't know, Brian McFadden.
She is as talented as she is beautiful, so I'm putting a lot of her success down to luck, it's Katherine Ryan.
Thank you.
She is on quite a lot of trashy TV.
With you? Yes.
I see your point.
Are you like the equivalent to Holly and Phil? The comedy version? Yeah.
The other comedy version.
And do you have a special relationship like they do? I think they're shagging and she said, "I want to be on every fucking show you are or I'm telling.
" That's really offensive, I got to where I am through hand jobs alone.
Looking at Joel, he's kind of like the salad version of him.
Just trying to make sure I mean, it started off as a joke, and now I genuinely think I'm gonna dress like this for life.
You look rad.
If you slept with me dressed like this, I think it's classed as masturbation.
JIMMY: Well, you know a thing or two about that.
I was wearing a different hat that time.
When I was on this show originally, you gave me an award because it was the most number two watched thing on gay Pornhub.
Has it gone up? It's now number one.
It's gone up.
That's amazing.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Maya Jama and Jordan Stephens! Your show, it's a rapping battle, innit, what's it called? Don't Hate The Playaz.
Don't Hate The Playaz.
Yes.
On ITV2 just before Juice, you got here quick.
So, what's the message of the show? What is it, if we an't seen it? It's like a hip-hop panel show, like No, that's the synopsis, what's the message? There's not really a deeper message to it, it's just a bit of fun.
So it's a rap battle? It's a show that celebrates black British culture.
That show's called Don't Hate the Playaz.
Yeah.
And it's spelt with a Z, it's not E-R-S Sensationalised spelling, yeah.
I've heard that a lot of other shows are trying to make their show even cooler and they're changing their name and putting a Z in, like The Chaze.
THE CHASE THEME MUSIC Newz At Ten.
ITV NEWS MUSIC That would be great, that would genuinely be great.
Songz Of Praize, they're the winners, hands down, check this out.
Zongz Of Praize! FEARNE: Zongz! Oh, wow.
They've really gone to town with the Zs.
I have a question for a friend.
Go on.
I've got a friend who's, like, quite obsessed by Cardi B, and she'd be really into going on the show and doing Cardi B.
Yeah.
But she's a bit shy Who is it? Is it you, Katherine? I know all the Cardi B.
# He said he wants to touch it, And tease it, and squeeze it # While my piggybank is hungry, You need to feed it # If the text ain't freaky, I don't wanna read it # And just to let you know This punani is undefeated, ay! # He said he really Wanna see me more # I said, "We should have a date" Where? At the Lamborghini store # I'm a whole rich bitch And I work like I'm broke still The love be so fake, But the hate be so real, uh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Katherine, I would let you shit on my neck.
I will do that.
Katherine, you're the biggest export from Canada since Maple syrup.
Yep.
And honestly, I would drizzle you all over my pancakes.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice, this is your first time.
Yes, it is my first time.
First time on Juice? Yeah, I watch it, I'm a fan.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
You do a lot of shows with Jimmy, Your Face or Mine, The Roast Yes.
So you must know James quite well.
As well as you can.
I've got a few questions I wanna ask you.
True or false, Jimmy made up his laugh to make himself seem more human.
Shh! JIMMY LAUGHS True or false, Jimmy is a puppet and you control him? Absolutely false.
False, but you have put your hand up there.
Yeah.
Jimmy, have you ever had your arsehole licked? Yeah, course.
What does it feel like? Er No, it's It kinda bumpy, and then But like ultimately, tastes like money.
Like licking a bank sheet.
You raise me up Cos I am Brian McFadden Brian McFadden, everyone! UNINTELLIGIBLE IRISH ACCEN IRISH ACCENT: No, it's big news, you've got big news, haven't you? You're doing Dancing On Icicles, so it is.
I am, I'm doing Dancing On Ice.
Dancing On Icicles, yeah! There you are, there's your press shot, checking that you've still got your buttons on your jacket.
Yep.
You're against James Jordan, Sir Richard Blackwood, Frenchy off of Grease, Gemma Collins, who is your biggest competition? It's probably Didi Conn who played Frenchy in Grease.
She's unbelievable.
You've started skating already? Yeah, we had two days all of us together, and now we're kind of doing private training with a coach, but it's hard.
Congratulations, cos it's just been announced that Westlife are reuniting, yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'You Raise Me Up' by Westlife # You raise me up # To walk on stormy seas # I am strong When I am on your shoulders So, are you excited to be back with the boys? I wasn't invited.
What? To be in Westlife? Yeah.
But you were in Westlife.
I was only in Westlife at the beginning, though.
How long were you in Westlife? Six years.
That's long enough.
I thought so.
Can we just cut all this bit out and just say that he's What about your boy band looks? We've got some pictures.
Let's have a look at some pictures of you back in the day.
JORDAN: Look at that.
Would you like to get back in the band? Er, no, it's been too long.
I thought about it last year and financially, it would be fucking amazing, but if I was to be completely honest, I would only be doing it for the money.
As opposed to Dancing On Ice which is your passion? Sure, sure, I understand, yeah.
Katherine, this is the first time you've been on Celebrity Juice, so what we're gonna do is play an oldie but goldie.
So let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! OK, it's a word association game, you mustn't stutter, you mustn't repeat, but most of all, you mustn't show me your teeth.
And because we've got three comedians on the show tonight, the subject is funny things.
Starting with Brian! Going to do a poo in a public toilet and there's no toilet roll.
Jimmy.
People slipping on the ice.
Oh, touche! People running for the bus and it shuts on them.
IMITATES SAD TROMBONE You know when you're talking to someone and they go to put the elbow, then they do that? When people get caught wanking online.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Joel wanking online.
When someone carrying a ladder turns around, and they hit someone on the back of the head.
A gold-digger takes an old man's house.
When someone can't run fast enough on the running machine and they fly off the end.
Er Er BUZZER When people have no teeth.
I like it when there's a T-shirt and it's a picture of a bowtie but it's not really a bowtie it's just a funny T-shirt.
When you're fucking, and you bend a man's dick in half.
BUZZER Yes, it is.
Er, old people farting on public transport.
My teeth came out.
Sorry.
When people go SNOR when they're laughing.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
BUZZER BUZZER Fuck.
It hurts, doesn't it? It's sore.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Maya, you live with Stormzy, he's your boyfriend.
Yeah.
Now, when I see pictures of you and Stormzy together, I always think, "how come he in't full of joy?" Look at his face, with this fit girl, from telly and radio.
He doesn't like people taking Let's have a look at some pictures.
Look at him there.
He's gonna be angry.
He looks like he's got home and he's had one of those red cards that says, "Sorry, we tried to deliver, but you wasn't in.
" Look at his face! And there's another one.
MAYA LAUGHS Fucking hell.
"You know that smoked salmon we bought? It's gone off.
" Jordan, you were also in Star Wars.
Yeah.
You were in Rogue One.
One of the best moments of it, I was in the Star Wars book, and I didn't know what my character's first name was until it was in this book, and the first name was Stordan.
In so I reckon they just took Stephens and just Jordan, do you enjoy salad? I do.
Yeah, I fucking love salad, it's all new to me, I never used to eat it, but now I love salad.
Do you like salad dressing as well? I like salad dressing.
You love salad dressing! Just for you, let's play Drizzle Kicks, you get me? Hello and welcome to the Drizzle Kicks arena, and as you can see, Jordan is now placed in a large salad bowl.
What I'm gonna do is prepare a lovely salad, cos as I said, we are sponsored by salad, it's so exciting.
I'm gonna make a large salad and then I'm gonna pour on the salad dressing, and all you've got to do is give me the ID of the salad dressing.
Just simply by tasting it, yeah? I've just got to give you the stick mic.
There it is.
Great.
How are you feeling? Oh, mate, really comfortable.
You love salad dressing, don't you? D'you know what? It's my favourite thing.
It's your favourite thing, OK, let's do this, let's make Drizzle Kicks.
Oh, OK, well this is happening.
MUSIC: 'Skip To The Good Bit' by Rizzle Kicks MAYA: How is he gonna breathe? FEARNE: We're not worrying about that, I don't think.
I don't think health and safety's a massive factor on this.
Cherry tomatoes.
KATHERINE: Oh, that's a nice salad.
FEARNE: You're meant to not tell him what you're putting in it.
How are you feeling now? I feel fucking surreal, man.
I feel like Alice in Wonderland in here.
OK, for those of you playing along at home, if you have got a large salad bowl with a hole you can stick your head in, This is a salad dressing.
JIMMY: I hope that's salad dressing.
Right, are you ready? Oh, it's silvery.
Oh, no! BRIAN: No, you can't do that! Is that from your dressing room? That is wrong.
GAGGING You've bukake'd Jordan.
Jordan, what was the drizzle? Oh, it's fucking I dunno, mate, it's like salad cream or some shit.
Yeah, but what is it? I'll just give it a mix-up, see if it helps.
.
No, please don't.
Oh, no, you've made him look like a plasterer's radio.
Yeah, it's Caesar dressing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's a point for your team, Jordan, living the dream! Next up to play, it's Brian McFadden! What? CHEERING Hey, I'm here with Brian McFadden, how are you feeling? I'm feeling really good, this is great.
You look really good.
Probably the highlight of my career this year.
What's your strategy for this game? I'm gonna eat my way out of this shit.
Right, OK, well, let's make some salad.
I reckon, after this, Westlife are definitely having you back.
100%.
It's on.
MUFFLED SPEECH You can't speak unless I've got the courgette mic to your mouth.
We can't hear you, cos you're in a salad bowl.
I just said, "If your cock comes over the edge of this bowl, "I will bite off anything that comes in here.
" Why would I put my cock in a salad? Because you're a fucking lunatic.
Again, if you're playing this at home and you've got a large salad bowl with a hole you can stick your head in, this is what the dressing is.
Are you ready? MUSIC: 'If I Let You Go' by Westlife JIMMY: Oh, no.
The lid came off there.
Why? AUDIENCE GROAN JOEL: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! You got him, that's too much.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna drown! Oh, sorry, that's the LAUGHTER Easy mistake.
JIMMY LAUGHS It's fucking blue cheese.
It's fucking blue cheese! Great game.
Brian? What? You got that so quick, you're so good at it, shall we do another dressing? Fuck off.
Let's do another dressing! Again, if you've got a large salad bowl with a hole that you can stick your head in, this is what dressing it is.
Here it is.
MUSIC: 'Swear It Again' by Westlife.
JOEL AND JIMMY LAUGH JOEL: So, so funny! Can you breathe? Not really.
What if you kill him? This is gonna be such a hard death to explain.
For double points, can you identify the second salad dressing? Is it mango chutney? Some kind of No, no.
It's tomato something.
No, it's not tomato something.
OK, Jimmy, what is it? I can't risk it, but if I was gonna guess, I'd say it's definitely more than 900 islands.
Is it thousand island dressing? That's correct! Brian McFadden, everyone! Living the dream! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We're going to an ad break, we'll see you in three! It's gone in her eye! Do you like it when it hits you in the face? LAUGHTER Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice, sponsored by salad! Fearne.
Hello.
You love salad, don't you? I cannot get enough of it.
Well, in honour of you and our friendship, I've decided we can play a game that's up to you what salad-based game we play.
Let's do the yoga game.
Yo-ga To Get In Shape.
Tell you what, you can even host it, so let's play This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Hello, I am Fearne Yogi Cotton and welcome to Yo-ga To Get In Shape! KEITH WHOOPS GONG So, Maya and Katherine, you'll see that you are lying down on a comfy, relaxed yoga mat in a beautiful yoga setting with some fresh carrots dangling above your heads.
All you have to do is lock in to that yogi core strength and lower the carrot into your delicate mouths.
OK.
Are you taking your trousers off? No, I have to undo them because otherwise I'll get sliced in half.
I asked to play the game that way, but Maya said mouth.
It's not Right, only mouth.
Good.
So, bearing that in mind, with your mouths, the person with the shortest carrot stub wins the game.
Oh, I'm gonna win this.
Capiche? On the chime, start chowing down on the carrots.
OK.
OK.
Namaste.
CHIME There it is! A good, firm chow down from Katherine already.
Spit it out, whatever you like.
Swallow or spit, up to you.
It's all about engaging the core, getting maximum Oh, look at this move! We're going for a shoulder stand.
Going for a yoga shoulder stand.
It's gone in her eye! Do you like it when it hits you in the face? Maya is very precise about this, She's chewing like a little rabbit.
Come on, Katherine, you've got this.
Don't fart, cos we'll know it's you.
That's it, Katherine, you're so close! Katherine you're so close! My legs are too short.
How do you do this? Maya is down to a mere stub.
Yes! Yes! My core GONG That's it.
That's it.
So let's have a look at the two carrots.
It's so unfair.
Thank you very much, Katherine.
I think we can all see there is a clear winner between Maya's and Katherine's carrot.
Maya, you have been enlightened, you are the winner.
Yay! Well done, you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, for any boys, girls, here's a replay.
MUSIC: 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry.
Oh, no.
That was quite delicate.
Yeah, that was all right.
LAUGHTER Oh, Katherine! What are we watching? It was a beautiful thing to watch.
So, next up, Jimmy, it's you Oh, OK.
.
.
and Keith.
All right.
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Welcome back to Yo-ga To Get In Shape.
This time, we've Jimmy and Keith looking so zen.
Are you ready to go? I can't wait, me.
So again, lock into that core, namaste, on the mystical chimes.
CHIMES We're off.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, he's gone straight in.
Look at that tongue.
JOEL: Oh, my God.
You look like a little Ewok.
Look at him spit Just gonna move back a little bit.
Oh, my God! This is grim! Aaah! What's going on? What a game.
Yes! It's gonna be so close.
Keith, you've got it.
It won't come down! You've gotta keep That hit my neck! The fuck are we doing, man? GONG Ah, it's over, it's over.
Genuinely, that was the most fun I've had.
That was amazing.
Let's watch a slo-mo.
MUSIC: 'I Touch Myself' by Divinyls Look at the lips on that.
You look like a hungry koala bear.
That's a great angle.
This is gonna be Who cares who wins.
.
.
so close.
I love you, man.
Is it a draw? We don't wanna do it again.
Can we do it with real dicks? LAUGHTER It is a draw, well done, guys, namaste.
For the scores, we're going to go over to Joel Dommett.
The scores are Sha-ting! Jimmy, you're quite a well travelled person, aren't you? Yes.
Have you ever heard of the Hell-stree Angels? Hell-stree Angels? Yeah, they're based in Elstree.
No! They're a really gnarly group of bikers, yeah, They're nice people, but they have been known to bite the wing mirrors off of cars and shit and piss in their own leather jeans.
But they're nice people and they like to boogie in the bar.
Would you like to go down to that bar and play Name It On The Biker Boogie? Yeah? Let's Play Name It On The Biker Boogie! Hi, y'all! Welcome to the Hell-stree's Biker Bar here in the deep south of the UK in Elstree.
Yee-haw! What's gonna happen in this game is y'all gotta dance and hopefully, he can guess what you're dancing to.
Can you hear me, Brian? I can't hear you.
Brian can't hear cos he's got sound-cancelling headphones on.
Can I ask what accent it is? NORMAL VOICE: Summat from Scooby Doo.
I'm gonna drop a damn dirty beat.
SCRATCHES RECORD MUSIC: 'Earthquake' by Labrinth I predict an earthquake up in here.
Falling down Shaking? Shaking! Earthquake? Yes! Labrinth! Let's have a check, y'all! # Yeah # That's correct, that was correct! Motherfucker, you've got some sick skills.
OK, here's another one.
MUSIC: 'Call On Me' by Eric Prydz Call on me, call on me Call Me! Blondie? Call me Call on me I'm the same boy I used to be Call me slut? I don't Call on me Call me woman? Call me crazy? Oh, oh, oh, it's this.
Call On Me? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's have a listen Yes, correct, you got it! You got that right.
Y'all wanna check out Jimmy Carr? See what he got.
OK, let's have a dirty damn beat.
Still have carrot in my THE BILL THEME Oh, is this The Bill? Siren The Police? Cash.
Write Sick tune, man, I love this tune.
Ticket.
It's a shit police show, come on! Let's sit, if we're eating Big shout out to salad for sponsoring y'all tonight.
Eating! Money, cheque, can I get the bill? Yeah! The Bill? Big shout out to the police.
Here's another one, you dirty bitches.
MUSIC: 'Axel F' by Crazy Frog What's this? What is this? Crazy Frog! What? Crazy Frog? Yeah! You'll like this next one.
Here's the next one.
MUSIC: 'I Want To Break Free' by Queen I want to break free CHEERING AND APPLAUSE YMCA? I mean I Want To Break Free? Yeah! Jimmy Carr, y'all! Yo, yo, yo! Welcome to the Hell-stree's Angels biker bar, I'm here with my main man, Fearne Cotton.
Hey, motherfucker, Fearne, y'all, you wanna get your dick out and have a go at this? Why not, mate? Well, let's have a go, let's see y'all! Let's do this! JURASSIC PARK THEME I love this tune the most.
Zombie! Dinosaur! Angry dinosaur.
Tyrannosaurus rex.
THEY MAKE DINOSAUR SOUNDS Yeah, yeah! Tyrannosaurus rex? Tyrannosaurus Dinosaurs? The film! Film Jurassic Park! Yeah! Oh, yes! OK, here's the next one.
Suck your daddy's dick.
MUSIC: 'Sexual' by NEIKED # .
.
the way that I feel I'm feeling sexual So we should be sexual Sexy, sexy, baby.
Feeling sexy.
Love.
Love and sex! Sexy time.
Sex Sexual.
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yes! Tell you what, I'll take your sister to the park and I'll do the dirty.
MUSIC: 'Orinoco Flow' by Enya Sail away, sail away, sail away Let's make a boat, so we're a boat together.
OK, OK.
Boat! I always thought this was Save A Whale.
I thought it was about saving whales.
Looking out to sea.
Waving goodbye.
Sailing.
Sail Away! Oh, that was good.
APPLAUSE KLAXON Oh, y'all, check that shit.
That be the klaxon! Oh, motherfucker.
Damn.
Damn! Mm-mm.
I know! I can tell you that all the scores at the end of that, y'all LAUGHTER I'm all over the place with this voice.
I don't have it down right now, but the scores are Sha-motherfucking-ting! Check that shit out.
We're going to a break now, y'all, we'll see you after that shit.
Coming up after t'break: Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you hit your penis? I hurt my penis.
My real-life penis.
Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! All to play for in our final round, it's the buzzer round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Jimmy, what's yours? 'IRISH ACCENT: I'm dying to be back in the band, so I am!' Oh, was that Was that done before we knew he wasn't back in the band? 'If you could take us back, I'd be much appreciative of that.
' Fearne, what's your buzzer? 'Man, I'm so fit, innit.
' That's life OK, here's the first question.
Which British celebrity was recently announced as the host of the US version of Bake Off? 'Let us back in the band, you bunch of BLEEP.
' LAUGHTER Be quiet.
Jimmy, you were saying something? Emma Bunton.
That's correct! Oh, I like this.
What's Joel up to here? 'Yeah, I was in fucking Rizzle Kicks 'but I was also in fucking Star Wars, you get me?' Fucking Star Wars legend now, you are.
It's not often I say so, but that's just me making a funny face.
Well, let's have a look.
No, it says here you're jizzing in your pants.
Who is Fearne dominating here? 'Check me on Instagram, look at my face, I'm so fit, yeah!' James Carr.
James Carr, let's have a look.
DING That's correct! When was that? Mate, you look like Roger Federer.
Just sitting on you, pal.
What's Maya Jama sitting on here? Is she sitting on the dock of a bay? JORDAN: Nice.
Don't plug your album now, mate.
Go on, give us a blast.
# Sittin' on the dock of a bay.
# CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cute.
He's freestyling now.
That's actually That's freestyling, baby.
Brian, I've just heard that Westlife have phoned up, you're back in the band! MUSIC: 'Flying Without Wings' by Westlife.
I don't need this shit anymore.
I don't need this shit anymore! He's back in the band! Bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're a fucking liar! What's Maya Jama sitting on here? I'm in a wheelchair.
Let's have a look.
I actually am, yeah.
Holy shit balls.
Who wore it better, Jordan Stephens or a generic Oompa Loompa? 'I'm so fit, look at me, just check me out, yeah?' When did you have that hair? I had green hair.
FEARNE: It's a really close call, but I'm gonna say the Oompa Loompa.
That's correct.
LAUGHTER Point for whoever out of Joel and Brian can do the best caterpillar.
Fuck this, five minutes ago, I was back in Westlife and now I'm doing the fucking caterpillar? Go on, Joel, you can do it.
Ohh! MAYA: Good control.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you hit your penis? I hurt my penis, my real-life penis.
Oh, mate, I really got it.
Fucking hell.
How do you do a backwards caterpillar? JIMMY: Oh, my God, the caterpillar died.
LAUGHTER It's a drunk caterpillar.
The point goes to Joel! You all right, Brian? Not really, no.
Again, I still can't get over that fucking Westlife thing.
What did Marilyn Manson reveal he was selling this week? His rib! The rib that he removed to suck his own penis.
Is that what he did? Yeah.
Wait, have I made that up? KLAXON Oh, there's the klaxon! That's the end of the buzzer round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Joel, you did very well tonight, you dressed as me, I respect and salute you for that, you did the caterpillar.
Thank you.
The winner is Jimmy's team! Yes! Come on! I was Keith Lemon, If I don't see you through't week, I'll see you through't window, let's dance! MUSIC: 'Sexual' by NEIKED I'm feeling sexual So we should be sexual Just say you feel The way that I feel Goodbye!