Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e10 Episode Script
Gino D'Acampo, Fred Sirieix, Kimberley Walsh, Rochelle & Marvin Humes, Craig Revel Horwood, Johnny Vegas
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-arse titles! You're probably thinking, "What the fuck?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, it's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits! There's Fearne Cotton riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs! Here we are taking a selfie - online presence! Phew! We made it to the studio for the best-selling show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D.
I fucking wish it were, though! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Firestarter' By the Prodigy Hoorah! Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice, Prodigy special! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes! Prodigy are Prodigy are not in the house.
Because they're touring in Plymouth.
Ah, one of their fans is leaving.
Go on, then, fuck off! Yes, it is a Prodigy special.
That explains the letters on the front of the desk.
You've got Keith there and Liam there.
But unfortunately, Keith and Liam couldn't make it.
Don't worry, cos we've got someone equally as good.
It's none other than Gino D'Acampo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino, who's on your team? You don't look well! Johnny, you're not on yet.
They still think the Prodigy might appear.
I've been sweating like a BLEEP in this fucking jumper! LAUGHTER I look like fucking Ronald McDonald's brother who went down the wrong path! Gino, who's on your team? On my right, you just met him.
It's Johnny Vegas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On my left, she will always be allowed in my pants LAUGHTER .
.
Kimberley Walsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's meet our other team captain, it's Fred Sillysex! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fred, I'd like to apologise that the Prodigy aren't here, but you've got some wicked people on your team.
Who is on your team? Oh, on my left is the power couple, Rochelle and Marvin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Who else is on your team? Ooh-la-la! We've got the fabulous darling, Craig Revel Horwood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BOOING Aw! Leave him alone! He's on my team.
Gino, can I just say, I've only got Keith Flint Prodigy questions.
Go on.
You're known for your energetic dance moves.
Yeah? Would you like to show us some of your energetic moves now? CHEERING I think they, like, rock out a bit.
We're gonna put one of your famous tracks on and just show us some of the moves you would do to that.
Your trademark moves, yeah? Yeah.
OK, can we have some Prodigy, please? THUMPING DANCE MUSIC AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG RECORD GRINDS TO A HAL Keith from the Prodigy! Good moves.
Good, eh? Fred Sillysex! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fred, every time you come on, we do a France versus Italy, but you and Gino are good friends, you work a lot together.
You do your Top Gear rip-off.
That's right.
Yeah, with tomatoes.
It's not a Top Gear rip-off.
Oh, fuck off, course it is! What's it like going on holiday with Gino and Gordon? It's different.
Yeah? So, you're on holiday with one of the best chefs in the world and Gino.
That's right.
LAUGHTER What happens is that Gordon is the alpha male.
He's gotta be right every single time, just like this time we went to this mozzarella farm.
Gino was driving, and he said, "OK, I'm gonna take the shortcut and turn left.
" He said, "I can't go because there's the ramp there.
" And Gordon was going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gino, go!" Gino went, he drove the van, and then the bloody thing was just like a seesaw like that.
I get out and they were just laughing.
Just laughing.
Have you got any funny stories? LAUGHTER Actually, on your road trip, you really do get on.
You've become really close.
Yes.
We've got a picture of you getting on really well.
LAUGHTER Always the filling in the man sandwich.
You wanna talk to your agent about that.
I'm gonna send this to Gordon.
He's gonna hate that.
It's Kimberley Walsh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We had Nadine on a couple of weeks ago.
She wanted me to pass a message on to you.
What did she say? BABBLING WITH NORTHERN IRISH ACCEN .
.
have a nice day.
Yeah, was that all? Are you all still friends? I don't really I don't see Nadine That means no.
OK.
LAUGHTER No, no, no.
Nadine actually said that we were never friends on the show, and that's really not true.
I heard some serious news recently.
Apparently your bumhole has healed over, you've lost it.
What?! We've got some footage of a doctor trying to find your bumhole.
Oh, Keith! Look, he's looking all the way down the leg there.
LAUGHTER "Where is that goddamn bumhole?" He's suspecting it's gone down your right leg.
LAUGHTER "Is it down here?" What's going on there? I was just having a little treatment done Is he a real doctor or is that someone you met in Wetherspoon's? No, he's an absolute professional.
But my oldest son did come in the room and literally was like, "Mum? This man is looking at your bum.
" LAUGHTER Kimberly, you once said, "If I were to make the perfect woman from Girls Aloud, "I'd take Nadine's hair, Nicole's legs, Sarah's stomach, "Cheryl's boobs and my bottom.
" Well, you'll never guess what.
What I've done is phoned my mate Jamal, who's a scientist, he's got a Saturday job in a lab, and we created your perfect Girls Aloud lady, out of all those bits that you mentioned.
Let's bring her on now.
Here she comes.
CHEERING That's literally the scariest thing I've ever seen.
It's an abomination, man! Get out, go on! Clear off! Help me! Go on, get off.
Get off, go on! Go on! See? That's what happens when you play God.
Yeah.
Johnny, that were a bit of fun, weren't it? I kinda took a shine.
LAUGHTER Disaster, darling! It's Craig Revel Horwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bizarre stuff.
Are you having fun on Strictly? Well, it's been fantastic.
It's been a brilliant year.
Who's your favourite of this series? Well, I'm really loving Stacey Dooley.
I think she's absolutely fantastic.
Love her.
I've missed a couple of episodes but has there been any scandal! No, it's been LAUGHTER .
.
remarkably one of the cleanest series ever.
Does Bruno ever try and teabag Shirley? LAUGHTER I'd really like to get that image out of my head.
That's going to live with me for the rest of the series.
Thank you so much (!) Hey, it's the fittest couple in the universe, it's Marvin and Rochelle! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Or, as I've now renamed you, Marchelle.
That's cool.
Rochelle, you've been filling in for Holly while she's in the jungle.
How's that going? It's really fun, actually.
Here you are with Schofield.
Look, there we are.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" you're both saying.
You're laughing until you stop.
He's lovely, the Silver Fox, isn't he? Did it take a while to clear up her dressing room of all the dildos and booze on t'floor? LAUGHTER I bet the toilet was a mess.
She's got the face of an angel but the arse of a tramp.
LAUGHTER Marvin, does Rochelle come home drunk like Holly does? It hasn't happened just yet but she's only into her second week.
Yeah.
We've actually got a picture of Rochelle after her first visit to Schofield's dressing room.
There you go.
LAUGHTER You are sick! Gino, do you remember when we had Kate Nash on and we played a game called Kate Nash Smash My Shit Up? Yes.
Good cos we're gonna play it again in honour of t'Prodigy, so let's play Smash My Shit up! Hello and welcome to a special edition of Smash My Shit Up! Yeah, it's a Prodigy special! We love the Prodigy! OK, the rules of this game are simple! Our panellists will enter the ring one by one, where they will face their deadly opponent.
All they have to do to win a point for the team is smash it to smithereens! Yeah! OK! Let me introduce our first wrestler! He once back-flipped a man's face right off, he's so ripped even his shits have biceps! It's Marvin the Brick Shithouse! CHEERING Yeah! Oh! That's how he enters the ring.
He means business! APPLAUSE Look at the skills! Look at the showmanship! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Shall we meet your deadly opponent? Yes, let's do it.
The only thing on the planet with a longer neck than Marvin, it's a giraffe! Give him some shit before you fight him.
He's basically the bane of my life.
All the jokes have been about this motherfucker.
Are you ready for this? Yeah.
Are you gonna smash it up? I am.
To smithereens? Absolutely.
BELL DINGS You go on the bell! CHEERING Oh, look at this! He's done this before! Where's he going? Oh, my shit! Ooh, shit! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Smack my bitch up It's still standing, it's still standing! Do you wanna tag in Rochelle? Yeah.
Tag in Rochelle.
Go, go, go, come on! She has the body of an angel but the heart of a beast! Rip it up! It may look cute but it said someone from your family is a bitch! LAUGHTER CHEERING Rochelle, break its neck! LAUGHTER BELL DINGS There's the bell! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's still got both its eyes, it's got its ear, so no point for Rochelle and Marvin.
Oh.
What? Marvin and Rochelle, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, he'll run a sequine through your eye and shove a ten up your anus if you fuck with him! It's Craig Revel Horwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you ready for this? Let me just warm up.
He's just warming up.
I'll go get your deadly opponent.
Ooh! It's the deadly hamster cage! I'm gonna stalk it first to intimidate it, darling.
Three, two, one BELL DINGS Go on! Smash it up! LAUGHTER Smash it up! CRAIG YELLING CHEERING Come play my game Smash it! CHEERING Motherfucker Look at him! LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I thank you.
BELL DINGS Well, I can see that the hamster cage has definitely been smashed up.
Which means that Craig wins the point! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Craig Revel Horwood, everyone! Next up, he's on a health kick at the moment, but that won't stop him! It's Johnny Vegas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It feels like I'm a child at play again.
LAUGHTER Look how cute he is! Inside his soul it's black as coal.
He's a total prick! BELL DINGS Hey, look at you, oversized and novelty! Eh? Like Mum and Dad don't have enough cash to splash about for little teddies to take to bed! No, you've gotta be bigger than the dad! You've gotta be RANTING Fucker! I'll rip your eye out first! Go on, Johnny, smash it up! You're blinded! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now the other eye! Are you judging me? Are you judging me? LAUGHTER RANTING LAUGHTER Pull! Pull! CHEERING APPLAUSE # Hit me with your best shot Fire away And now I wear you! LAUGHTER I wear you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I think that's a point for Johnny Vegas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break This thing is still vibrating.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hoorah! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Prodigy special! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Craig, innit a shame that the Prodigy couldn't come tonight? I know, but you're here, darling.
I'm representing.
Did you know that Keith Flint's favourite game on Celebrity Juice is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth because it says his name? I did not know that.
Well, it's true.
So, let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You all know this game, it's an oldie but a goldie.
It's a word association game, you mustn't stutter, repeat, but most of all, you mustn't show your teeth.
In honour of Craig Revel Horwood, the subject matter is going to be Johnny! Spiders.
MUMBLES Nah MUMBLES LAUGHTER Monsters? MUMBLES LAUGHTER MUMBLES Yes? Yeah.
MUMBLES LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yeah! Craig Revel Horwood.
CHEERING Sorry, Craig.
MUMBLES BUZZER MUMBLES MUMBLES LAUGHTER MUMBLES MUMBLES BUZZER MUMBLES Brussel sprouts? BUZZER MUMBLES BUZZER MUMBLES Rats.
Gino, you're out.
I said rats! Rats.
.
.
Fred's team is the winner! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! Gino? Gino? You know each series we let you do your own stupid game? Yes.
Well, because you've been such a lazy pick this series and only done two episodes so far, ITV have vetoed it.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm ready because I've got a brand-new game - fantastic if you want to play at Christmas.
Children, grandmothers, families, everybody can do it.
Simple game.
Would you like to see it? CHEERING Come on, then.
Tell us all about it.
Look at the right camera.
Well, it's the one opposite, right? The one that's lit up.
OK Oh, fucking hell, it's Keith Flint! LAUGHTER How you doing, mate? I'm doing all right.
Oh, he put this show together without you.
Oh, did he? I'm glad you made it.
Are we done? OK, guys, are you ready? CHEERING Time to play Gino's Penetration Game! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The rules of this game are very easy.
I'm your host, Gino D'Acampo, your favourite Italian chef.
The rules of the game are very simple.
I'm gonna put you into the penetrate rack here and I gonna penetrate you with something.
All you have to do is guess what I'm penetrating you with.
LAUGHTER Who is the first one? The first one to play is Marvin! Come here.
Are you OK? Are you ready? Yeah.
Have you ever done this before? Not really, mate.
Oh, my God, what does Rochelle see in you? You're boring.
LAUGHTER OK, now you blinded.
Very good.
OK, shall we get the mystery item? CHEERING Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
How am I gonna penetrate him with this? LAUGHTER OK.
OK, are you ready? No.
All right.
Just stay still.
This could be dangerous.
I'm gonna start to penetrate you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going? You will feel, don't worry about it.
OK, stay still because this can hurt you.
Hey! OK, so we start with this.
OK? What the fuck? LAUGHTER Hey! MARVIN GIGGLES Any guesses? Any guesses? What is it? MARVIN SQUEALS I don't know if he's enjoying it or What is it? It's my wife! LAUGHTER I don't know what it is! It's a household item.
That you use in your house.
Oh, it's a clothes horse.
Yes! CHEERING Did you enjoy being penetrated? It was lovely.
A round of applause for Marvin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
Well done.
OK, next to play is Kimberly.
Come here, bella.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you ready to be penetrated? Yes.
Yes, very good.
That's the answer, that's the spirit.
And you think it will fit? OK.
Yeah, don't worry.
Everything is OK.
AUDIENCE: Urgh! Oh, no, please don't tell me it's alive.
Are you ready? No.
Where would you like to be penetrated first? My mouth? Let's try your hands first.
KIMBERLEY SHRIEKS OK.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's some sort of LAUGHTER What do you think it is? Well, I'm trying to LAUGHTER As Keith Lemon would say, ladies and gentlemen, take out your box of tissues at home and enjoy yourselves.
Right, I think I need to taste it.
LAUGHTER CHEERING Just put the Literally, just put the end LAUGHTER Are you ready? Open the mouth.
Open the mouth.
It smells weird.
Open the mouth, otherwise how am I gonna penetrate you? OK.
What do you think it is? It's not so bad when you know what it is.
Is it a carrot with hummus on it? Very good! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, I'm so relieved! Kimberly, everybody.
A round of applause! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, next to play, the moment I was waiting for, it's Fred! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We're gonna do this in a different way, to see we can do a different Penetration Game.
LAUGHTER You stay there, don't worry.
LAUGHTER All right VIBRATING LAUGHTER AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROANING Gino, this is not right.
Don't worry, everything is fine.
Everything is gonna be OK.
Remember, you just relax and try to guess.
The more you relax, the easier is the game.
LAUGHTER Gino Don't worry.
We're gonna start here.
FRED SHRIEKS LAUGHTER This is a Christmas family game.
Everything is gonna be OK.
Gino, this is not fun.
Stay there.
What do you think it is, Fred? It must be a Rampant Rabbit.
LAUGHTER Yes, I'm gonna give you that! It vibrates.
Which is good.
I'll keep this here, look.
This is not right.
LAUGHTER This thing is still vibrating.
Gino? It's still vibrating.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, my man, Fred Sirieix! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, the scores at the end of this round are Bitt-ti-ting! I hope you enjoyed my Penetration Game.
We'll see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice Prodigy special! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Even though the Prodigy aren't here, we're still having a fun time.
OK, Kimberley, Kimberley, have you ever been chomping on some juicy piece of fruit and got to the stone in the middle and thought, "I wish I could have shared this with someone romantically?" No.
It's often happened to me, so what I've done is turned it into a game, so let's play Romancing The Stone.
APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the Romancing The Stone Arena.
This game is simple.
Our panellists have to place an item in their mouth which contains a special romantic stone.
All they have to do is nibble to get to that stone, and the person with the stone first wins a point.
It's so easy.
First up to play, Kimberly and Rochelle! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's put this special Romancing The Stone head tray on.
Nothing with skin on.
LAUGHTER Are you feeling romantic? I mean, yeah.
The person with the stone in their mouth first wins a point for their team.
We're gonna play with a mango! Mango, mango, mango.
If you're 16-year-old boy, get a box of tissues, you're gonna enjoy this.
My gift from me to you.
You go on the sound of the Prodigy.
Are you ready? THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Go! ROMANTIC MUSIC Oh, look at the romance! ROCHELLE MUMBLING Oh, you just spat in my eye! LAUGHTER You're watching ITV2.
Kimberly and Rochelle are trying to get a stone out of a mango.
Who's got it? Don't release.
The person to release Oh! Rochelle's got it! APPLAUSE That's a point to Rochelle! APPLAUSE Next up to play, it's Johnny and Fred! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Johnny, let's have some fun.
KEITH LAUGHS If you want to have fun, let's get naked.
LAUGHTER We're playing with a burrito! Where is the stone? There's a romantic stone in the middle of it.
It's a special burrito with a romantic stone.
What if we eat it too quick and we choke? LAUGHTER That's jeopardy for the show.
Go on the sound of the Prodigy.
Get it in your mouth! THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Let's do it gentle together! ROMANTIC MUSIC Be careful, it's a big stone.
Don't bite it.
You got it.
I've fucking swallowed it! LAUGHTER Let's have a look.
Show us.
Johnny wins the point! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! Romancing The Stone.
It's all to play for in this final round.
It's the Buzzer Round! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? 'S'good, s'good, really good!' Fred, what's your buzzer this week? Let's see.
'Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw!' OK, let's begin the Buzzer Round.
We don't sound like that.
BABBLING MOCKINGLY WITH FRENCH ACCEN .
.
baguette and a bicycle, stripy top and a beret.
OK, here's the first question.
Who's this doing Holly's party trick? 'Lick-a my doughballs! I like-a my arse licked!' Gino's team? I can actually do this 'I'm the filling in Gordon and Gino's sandwich!' 'Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw!' Fred's team.
It's Kimberley Walsh! Let's have a look.
CHEERING Ah, look at that, Marvin's done it! AUDIENCE: Ugh! That's disgusting.
That's double points for Marvin! APPLAUSE Who have we face-swapped here? John Barrowman! And Michael McIntyre, yeah.
John Barrowman and Michael McIntyre.
No, it's not.
Is it John Barrowman and Greg? Greg? Craig! Greg Revel Horwood.
LAUGHTER I'll be horrified! That's correct! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Here's a recent photo of Gino, but what's Gino up to? 'LaCroix Boudoir with le cucumbeur! Haw!' KEITH GIGGLES That's Fred's team.
He's gonna get deported after Brexit and he's not happy.
That is incorrect.
Gino, do you know? No idea.
Let's have a look.
JOHNNY: Is he in outer space? He's stuck up an elephant's arse.
LAUGHTER That's the best one ever.
LAUGHTER Here's Kimberly rehearsing for Strictly but why does she look so tall? 'I fucking love Gordon Ramsay.
He's fantastico!' Gino's team? Because I'm on Pasha's shoulders.
Let's have a look.
No, you've just got freakishly long legs.
LAUGHTER KLAXON Oh, there's the klaxon! That's the end of the Buzzer Round! And that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice! I can tell you that the winning team is KEITH MUMBLING twisted firestarter Fred's won! I'm Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Out Of Space' By the Prodigy Bye-bye!
Check out my sweet-arse titles! You're probably thinking, "What the fuck?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, it's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits! There's Fearne Cotton riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs! Here we are taking a selfie - online presence! Phew! We made it to the studio for the best-selling show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D.
I fucking wish it were, though! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Firestarter' By the Prodigy Hoorah! Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice, Prodigy special! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes! Prodigy are Prodigy are not in the house.
Because they're touring in Plymouth.
Ah, one of their fans is leaving.
Go on, then, fuck off! Yes, it is a Prodigy special.
That explains the letters on the front of the desk.
You've got Keith there and Liam there.
But unfortunately, Keith and Liam couldn't make it.
Don't worry, cos we've got someone equally as good.
It's none other than Gino D'Acampo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino, who's on your team? You don't look well! Johnny, you're not on yet.
They still think the Prodigy might appear.
I've been sweating like a BLEEP in this fucking jumper! LAUGHTER I look like fucking Ronald McDonald's brother who went down the wrong path! Gino, who's on your team? On my right, you just met him.
It's Johnny Vegas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On my left, she will always be allowed in my pants LAUGHTER .
.
Kimberley Walsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's meet our other team captain, it's Fred Sillysex! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fred, I'd like to apologise that the Prodigy aren't here, but you've got some wicked people on your team.
Who is on your team? Oh, on my left is the power couple, Rochelle and Marvin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Who else is on your team? Ooh-la-la! We've got the fabulous darling, Craig Revel Horwood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BOOING Aw! Leave him alone! He's on my team.
Gino, can I just say, I've only got Keith Flint Prodigy questions.
Go on.
You're known for your energetic dance moves.
Yeah? Would you like to show us some of your energetic moves now? CHEERING I think they, like, rock out a bit.
We're gonna put one of your famous tracks on and just show us some of the moves you would do to that.
Your trademark moves, yeah? Yeah.
OK, can we have some Prodigy, please? THUMPING DANCE MUSIC AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG RECORD GRINDS TO A HAL Keith from the Prodigy! Good moves.
Good, eh? Fred Sillysex! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fred, every time you come on, we do a France versus Italy, but you and Gino are good friends, you work a lot together.
You do your Top Gear rip-off.
That's right.
Yeah, with tomatoes.
It's not a Top Gear rip-off.
Oh, fuck off, course it is! What's it like going on holiday with Gino and Gordon? It's different.
Yeah? So, you're on holiday with one of the best chefs in the world and Gino.
That's right.
LAUGHTER What happens is that Gordon is the alpha male.
He's gotta be right every single time, just like this time we went to this mozzarella farm.
Gino was driving, and he said, "OK, I'm gonna take the shortcut and turn left.
" He said, "I can't go because there's the ramp there.
" And Gordon was going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gino, go!" Gino went, he drove the van, and then the bloody thing was just like a seesaw like that.
I get out and they were just laughing.
Just laughing.
Have you got any funny stories? LAUGHTER Actually, on your road trip, you really do get on.
You've become really close.
Yes.
We've got a picture of you getting on really well.
LAUGHTER Always the filling in the man sandwich.
You wanna talk to your agent about that.
I'm gonna send this to Gordon.
He's gonna hate that.
It's Kimberley Walsh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We had Nadine on a couple of weeks ago.
She wanted me to pass a message on to you.
What did she say? BABBLING WITH NORTHERN IRISH ACCEN .
.
have a nice day.
Yeah, was that all? Are you all still friends? I don't really I don't see Nadine That means no.
OK.
LAUGHTER No, no, no.
Nadine actually said that we were never friends on the show, and that's really not true.
I heard some serious news recently.
Apparently your bumhole has healed over, you've lost it.
What?! We've got some footage of a doctor trying to find your bumhole.
Oh, Keith! Look, he's looking all the way down the leg there.
LAUGHTER "Where is that goddamn bumhole?" He's suspecting it's gone down your right leg.
LAUGHTER "Is it down here?" What's going on there? I was just having a little treatment done Is he a real doctor or is that someone you met in Wetherspoon's? No, he's an absolute professional.
But my oldest son did come in the room and literally was like, "Mum? This man is looking at your bum.
" LAUGHTER Kimberly, you once said, "If I were to make the perfect woman from Girls Aloud, "I'd take Nadine's hair, Nicole's legs, Sarah's stomach, "Cheryl's boobs and my bottom.
" Well, you'll never guess what.
What I've done is phoned my mate Jamal, who's a scientist, he's got a Saturday job in a lab, and we created your perfect Girls Aloud lady, out of all those bits that you mentioned.
Let's bring her on now.
Here she comes.
CHEERING That's literally the scariest thing I've ever seen.
It's an abomination, man! Get out, go on! Clear off! Help me! Go on, get off.
Get off, go on! Go on! See? That's what happens when you play God.
Yeah.
Johnny, that were a bit of fun, weren't it? I kinda took a shine.
LAUGHTER Disaster, darling! It's Craig Revel Horwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bizarre stuff.
Are you having fun on Strictly? Well, it's been fantastic.
It's been a brilliant year.
Who's your favourite of this series? Well, I'm really loving Stacey Dooley.
I think she's absolutely fantastic.
Love her.
I've missed a couple of episodes but has there been any scandal! No, it's been LAUGHTER .
.
remarkably one of the cleanest series ever.
Does Bruno ever try and teabag Shirley? LAUGHTER I'd really like to get that image out of my head.
That's going to live with me for the rest of the series.
Thank you so much (!) Hey, it's the fittest couple in the universe, it's Marvin and Rochelle! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Or, as I've now renamed you, Marchelle.
That's cool.
Rochelle, you've been filling in for Holly while she's in the jungle.
How's that going? It's really fun, actually.
Here you are with Schofield.
Look, there we are.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" you're both saying.
You're laughing until you stop.
He's lovely, the Silver Fox, isn't he? Did it take a while to clear up her dressing room of all the dildos and booze on t'floor? LAUGHTER I bet the toilet was a mess.
She's got the face of an angel but the arse of a tramp.
LAUGHTER Marvin, does Rochelle come home drunk like Holly does? It hasn't happened just yet but she's only into her second week.
Yeah.
We've actually got a picture of Rochelle after her first visit to Schofield's dressing room.
There you go.
LAUGHTER You are sick! Gino, do you remember when we had Kate Nash on and we played a game called Kate Nash Smash My Shit Up? Yes.
Good cos we're gonna play it again in honour of t'Prodigy, so let's play Smash My Shit up! Hello and welcome to a special edition of Smash My Shit Up! Yeah, it's a Prodigy special! We love the Prodigy! OK, the rules of this game are simple! Our panellists will enter the ring one by one, where they will face their deadly opponent.
All they have to do to win a point for the team is smash it to smithereens! Yeah! OK! Let me introduce our first wrestler! He once back-flipped a man's face right off, he's so ripped even his shits have biceps! It's Marvin the Brick Shithouse! CHEERING Yeah! Oh! That's how he enters the ring.
He means business! APPLAUSE Look at the skills! Look at the showmanship! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Shall we meet your deadly opponent? Yes, let's do it.
The only thing on the planet with a longer neck than Marvin, it's a giraffe! Give him some shit before you fight him.
He's basically the bane of my life.
All the jokes have been about this motherfucker.
Are you ready for this? Yeah.
Are you gonna smash it up? I am.
To smithereens? Absolutely.
BELL DINGS You go on the bell! CHEERING Oh, look at this! He's done this before! Where's he going? Oh, my shit! Ooh, shit! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Smack my bitch up It's still standing, it's still standing! Do you wanna tag in Rochelle? Yeah.
Tag in Rochelle.
Go, go, go, come on! She has the body of an angel but the heart of a beast! Rip it up! It may look cute but it said someone from your family is a bitch! LAUGHTER CHEERING Rochelle, break its neck! LAUGHTER BELL DINGS There's the bell! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's still got both its eyes, it's got its ear, so no point for Rochelle and Marvin.
Oh.
What? Marvin and Rochelle, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, he'll run a sequine through your eye and shove a ten up your anus if you fuck with him! It's Craig Revel Horwood! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you ready for this? Let me just warm up.
He's just warming up.
I'll go get your deadly opponent.
Ooh! It's the deadly hamster cage! I'm gonna stalk it first to intimidate it, darling.
Three, two, one BELL DINGS Go on! Smash it up! LAUGHTER Smash it up! CRAIG YELLING CHEERING Come play my game Smash it! CHEERING Motherfucker Look at him! LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I thank you.
BELL DINGS Well, I can see that the hamster cage has definitely been smashed up.
Which means that Craig wins the point! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Craig Revel Horwood, everyone! Next up, he's on a health kick at the moment, but that won't stop him! It's Johnny Vegas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It feels like I'm a child at play again.
LAUGHTER Look how cute he is! Inside his soul it's black as coal.
He's a total prick! BELL DINGS Hey, look at you, oversized and novelty! Eh? Like Mum and Dad don't have enough cash to splash about for little teddies to take to bed! No, you've gotta be bigger than the dad! You've gotta be RANTING Fucker! I'll rip your eye out first! Go on, Johnny, smash it up! You're blinded! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now the other eye! Are you judging me? Are you judging me? LAUGHTER RANTING LAUGHTER Pull! Pull! CHEERING APPLAUSE # Hit me with your best shot Fire away And now I wear you! LAUGHTER I wear you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I think that's a point for Johnny Vegas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break This thing is still vibrating.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hoorah! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Prodigy special! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Craig, innit a shame that the Prodigy couldn't come tonight? I know, but you're here, darling.
I'm representing.
Did you know that Keith Flint's favourite game on Celebrity Juice is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth because it says his name? I did not know that.
Well, it's true.
So, let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You all know this game, it's an oldie but a goldie.
It's a word association game, you mustn't stutter, repeat, but most of all, you mustn't show your teeth.
In honour of Craig Revel Horwood, the subject matter is going to be Johnny! Spiders.
MUMBLES Nah MUMBLES LAUGHTER Monsters? MUMBLES LAUGHTER MUMBLES Yes? Yeah.
MUMBLES LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yeah! Craig Revel Horwood.
CHEERING Sorry, Craig.
MUMBLES BUZZER MUMBLES MUMBLES LAUGHTER MUMBLES MUMBLES BUZZER MUMBLES Brussel sprouts? BUZZER MUMBLES BUZZER MUMBLES Rats.
Gino, you're out.
I said rats! Rats.
.
.
Fred's team is the winner! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! Gino? Gino? You know each series we let you do your own stupid game? Yes.
Well, because you've been such a lazy pick this series and only done two episodes so far, ITV have vetoed it.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm ready because I've got a brand-new game - fantastic if you want to play at Christmas.
Children, grandmothers, families, everybody can do it.
Simple game.
Would you like to see it? CHEERING Come on, then.
Tell us all about it.
Look at the right camera.
Well, it's the one opposite, right? The one that's lit up.
OK Oh, fucking hell, it's Keith Flint! LAUGHTER How you doing, mate? I'm doing all right.
Oh, he put this show together without you.
Oh, did he? I'm glad you made it.
Are we done? OK, guys, are you ready? CHEERING Time to play Gino's Penetration Game! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The rules of this game are very easy.
I'm your host, Gino D'Acampo, your favourite Italian chef.
The rules of the game are very simple.
I'm gonna put you into the penetrate rack here and I gonna penetrate you with something.
All you have to do is guess what I'm penetrating you with.
LAUGHTER Who is the first one? The first one to play is Marvin! Come here.
Are you OK? Are you ready? Yeah.
Have you ever done this before? Not really, mate.
Oh, my God, what does Rochelle see in you? You're boring.
LAUGHTER OK, now you blinded.
Very good.
OK, shall we get the mystery item? CHEERING Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
How am I gonna penetrate him with this? LAUGHTER OK.
OK, are you ready? No.
All right.
Just stay still.
This could be dangerous.
I'm gonna start to penetrate you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going? You will feel, don't worry about it.
OK, stay still because this can hurt you.
Hey! OK, so we start with this.
OK? What the fuck? LAUGHTER Hey! MARVIN GIGGLES Any guesses? Any guesses? What is it? MARVIN SQUEALS I don't know if he's enjoying it or What is it? It's my wife! LAUGHTER I don't know what it is! It's a household item.
That you use in your house.
Oh, it's a clothes horse.
Yes! CHEERING Did you enjoy being penetrated? It was lovely.
A round of applause for Marvin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
Well done.
OK, next to play is Kimberly.
Come here, bella.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you ready to be penetrated? Yes.
Yes, very good.
That's the answer, that's the spirit.
And you think it will fit? OK.
Yeah, don't worry.
Everything is OK.
AUDIENCE: Urgh! Oh, no, please don't tell me it's alive.
Are you ready? No.
Where would you like to be penetrated first? My mouth? Let's try your hands first.
KIMBERLEY SHRIEKS OK.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's some sort of LAUGHTER What do you think it is? Well, I'm trying to LAUGHTER As Keith Lemon would say, ladies and gentlemen, take out your box of tissues at home and enjoy yourselves.
Right, I think I need to taste it.
LAUGHTER CHEERING Just put the Literally, just put the end LAUGHTER Are you ready? Open the mouth.
Open the mouth.
It smells weird.
Open the mouth, otherwise how am I gonna penetrate you? OK.
What do you think it is? It's not so bad when you know what it is.
Is it a carrot with hummus on it? Very good! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, I'm so relieved! Kimberly, everybody.
A round of applause! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, next to play, the moment I was waiting for, it's Fred! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We're gonna do this in a different way, to see we can do a different Penetration Game.
LAUGHTER You stay there, don't worry.
LAUGHTER All right VIBRATING LAUGHTER AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROANING Gino, this is not right.
Don't worry, everything is fine.
Everything is gonna be OK.
Remember, you just relax and try to guess.
The more you relax, the easier is the game.
LAUGHTER Gino Don't worry.
We're gonna start here.
FRED SHRIEKS LAUGHTER This is a Christmas family game.
Everything is gonna be OK.
Gino, this is not fun.
Stay there.
What do you think it is, Fred? It must be a Rampant Rabbit.
LAUGHTER Yes, I'm gonna give you that! It vibrates.
Which is good.
I'll keep this here, look.
This is not right.
LAUGHTER This thing is still vibrating.
Gino? It's still vibrating.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, my man, Fred Sirieix! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, the scores at the end of this round are Bitt-ti-ting! I hope you enjoyed my Penetration Game.
We'll see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after t'break CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice Prodigy special! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Even though the Prodigy aren't here, we're still having a fun time.
OK, Kimberley, Kimberley, have you ever been chomping on some juicy piece of fruit and got to the stone in the middle and thought, "I wish I could have shared this with someone romantically?" No.
It's often happened to me, so what I've done is turned it into a game, so let's play Romancing The Stone.
APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the Romancing The Stone Arena.
This game is simple.
Our panellists have to place an item in their mouth which contains a special romantic stone.
All they have to do is nibble to get to that stone, and the person with the stone first wins a point.
It's so easy.
First up to play, Kimberly and Rochelle! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's put this special Romancing The Stone head tray on.
Nothing with skin on.
LAUGHTER Are you feeling romantic? I mean, yeah.
The person with the stone in their mouth first wins a point for their team.
We're gonna play with a mango! Mango, mango, mango.
If you're 16-year-old boy, get a box of tissues, you're gonna enjoy this.
My gift from me to you.
You go on the sound of the Prodigy.
Are you ready? THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Go! ROMANTIC MUSIC Oh, look at the romance! ROCHELLE MUMBLING Oh, you just spat in my eye! LAUGHTER You're watching ITV2.
Kimberly and Rochelle are trying to get a stone out of a mango.
Who's got it? Don't release.
The person to release Oh! Rochelle's got it! APPLAUSE That's a point to Rochelle! APPLAUSE Next up to play, it's Johnny and Fred! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Johnny, let's have some fun.
KEITH LAUGHS If you want to have fun, let's get naked.
LAUGHTER We're playing with a burrito! Where is the stone? There's a romantic stone in the middle of it.
It's a special burrito with a romantic stone.
What if we eat it too quick and we choke? LAUGHTER That's jeopardy for the show.
Go on the sound of the Prodigy.
Get it in your mouth! THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Let's do it gentle together! ROMANTIC MUSIC Be careful, it's a big stone.
Don't bite it.
You got it.
I've fucking swallowed it! LAUGHTER Let's have a look.
Show us.
Johnny wins the point! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! Romancing The Stone.
It's all to play for in this final round.
It's the Buzzer Round! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? 'S'good, s'good, really good!' Fred, what's your buzzer this week? Let's see.
'Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw!' OK, let's begin the Buzzer Round.
We don't sound like that.
BABBLING MOCKINGLY WITH FRENCH ACCEN .
.
baguette and a bicycle, stripy top and a beret.
OK, here's the first question.
Who's this doing Holly's party trick? 'Lick-a my doughballs! I like-a my arse licked!' Gino's team? I can actually do this 'I'm the filling in Gordon and Gino's sandwich!' 'Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw!' Fred's team.
It's Kimberley Walsh! Let's have a look.
CHEERING Ah, look at that, Marvin's done it! AUDIENCE: Ugh! That's disgusting.
That's double points for Marvin! APPLAUSE Who have we face-swapped here? John Barrowman! And Michael McIntyre, yeah.
John Barrowman and Michael McIntyre.
No, it's not.
Is it John Barrowman and Greg? Greg? Craig! Greg Revel Horwood.
LAUGHTER I'll be horrified! That's correct! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Here's a recent photo of Gino, but what's Gino up to? 'LaCroix Boudoir with le cucumbeur! Haw!' KEITH GIGGLES That's Fred's team.
He's gonna get deported after Brexit and he's not happy.
That is incorrect.
Gino, do you know? No idea.
Let's have a look.
JOHNNY: Is he in outer space? He's stuck up an elephant's arse.
LAUGHTER That's the best one ever.
LAUGHTER Here's Kimberly rehearsing for Strictly but why does she look so tall? 'I fucking love Gordon Ramsay.
He's fantastico!' Gino's team? Because I'm on Pasha's shoulders.
Let's have a look.
No, you've just got freakishly long legs.
LAUGHTER KLAXON Oh, there's the klaxon! That's the end of the Buzzer Round! And that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice! I can tell you that the winning team is KEITH MUMBLING twisted firestarter Fred's won! I'm Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: 'Out Of Space' By the Prodigy Bye-bye!