The Simpsons s20e13 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (ALL GRUNT) NARRA TOR: For centuries, man has been ruled by science and industry.
But that era is drawing to a close.
We stand on the cusp of a new epoch, one of prophecy, puzzles and signs in the sky.
And that epoch begins today.
Our top story, today Springfield will experience a rare total eclipse of the sun.
A solar eclipse is like a woman breastfeeding in a restaurant.
It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it.
We recommend using a homemade camera obscura fashioned from an ordinary shoebox and paper towel tube.
This was supposed to be pre-made.
Fine, I'll do it myself! Where's the end of the frigging tape? Forget it! We'll do it next week! PRODUCER: The eclipse is today.
There's an eclipse when I say there's an eclipse! (ALL SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) Okay, people, we've hit penumbra.
Brace yourselves for umbra.
- I'm gonna see it first.
- No! I'm gonna see it first.
Hit the road, you big load! (HOMER GRUNTS) My space toy! It's okay, Homie.
You can have my viewer.
But, Mom, you'll miss the eclipse.
There'll be another one in North Yemen in 2027.
We have totality, people.
BART, HOMER AND LISA: Wow! We'll be talking about this together for years.
BART: For years! LISA: For years! HOMER: I finally feel like part of a family.
Oh! I can't miss out.
Just one little peek.
(GASPS) It's beautiful.
(SCREAMING) Now, Marge, your eyes must stay completely covered for two full weeks.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll be your seeing-eye Homer.
We're in some kind of doctor room.
Bunch of stuff on the walls.
It's kind of hard to describe.
I'm gonna take my break now.
Now, Simpsons, I must warn you, any stress could increase the blood pressure in Marge's eyeballs, leading to what we call Tex Avery Syndrome.
(MUSIC PLA YING ON TV) Wolves are taking all our women.
(BART HUMMING) (SNIFFS) You guys have treated me like a princess.
Every day's been like the first 10 minutes of Mother's Day.
You just rest those rods and coddle those cones.
- Everything's taken care of.
- Aw Dad, come in the kitchen, quick! Is there any other way to enter a kitchen? (SQUEAKING) Aw Rats in the kitchen, just like that delightful movie I taped in the theater.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) Ooh! (LAUGHS) He's controlling me with my hair, using me to cook a delicious sole meuniére with a celery root purée and carrots Vichy.
Mmm.
This is good.
Good but not great.
I'll go get some rat poison.
(GRUNTING) (TOY SQUEAKING) There you go.
This'll kill those dirty rats and the clean ones, too.
(EX CLAIMING EX CITEDLY) That's not candy, sweetheart.
What is it with kids and candy-colored poison, huh? (CLERK CHUCKLES) (MAGGIE FUSSING) (SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER GROWLING) No, you stupid dog! That's Maggie's bunny! Not in front of the poison man! Whoever is biting me, stop it! (TIRES SCREECHING) (HOMER GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION) (SCREAMS) Why did I bring the baby and the dog to the poison store? Oh, how am I gonna get us all across this river? (GASPS) A boat! We're too heavy.
Let's see.
I need to get the baby, the dog, and the poison across the river, but I can only take one thing at a time.
I can't leave the baby alone with the poison.
And I can't leave the dog alone with the baby.
Can't someone help me with this puzzle? (HUMMING) Professor Frink, help me figure this out! Yo! Over here! What? (GAGS) (GIBBERS) (MOANS) Great time to nap, Einstein! Okay.
Maggie, dog, poison, you're all involved, so listen up.
First, I row Maggie over, leaving the dog and the poison.
Then I row back alone, take the poison over and bring Maggie back.
Then I take the dog over, come back, get Maggie, row across, and before I know it, I'm back at home.
(EX CLAIMS) Were you listening at all? (SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER WHINES) CLETUS: Sir? I'd be obliged to you if you'd help me puzzle out my fox, duck and corn situation.
(DUCK QUACKING) Well, the puzzle done puzzled itself out.
Now I need to leave you where you'll be safe, under the watchful eyes of God.
And I'll be watching you, too, in case God's busy making tornadoes or not existing.
I see you! I see you! (EX CLAIMS) (IN IRISH ACCENT) Look at that.
One of God's discarded miracles.
(SCREAMS) Catholics! Give me my baby back! Sir, our mission is quite clear.
(MOTHER SUPERIOR READING) Why would you leave such a beautiful baby on our doorstep? Because she was fighting my dog and stealing my poison.
Now give her back so I can take her home to my rat-infested house.
No.
The poor dear is right where she belongs.
Come on, lady.
Have a heart! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes.
- I'm married to Jesus! - Yeah, right.
And I'm married to Wonder Woman.
(EX CLAIMS) Kids, I have to tell your mom I lost Maggie.
But Dr.
Hibbert said not to stress her out.
Wait! I have an idea.
One of us can go undercover as a nun and infiltrate the convent.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! There is no way Homer Simpson's gonna put on a dress and act like a nun.
Told you there was no way I would do it.
Are you sure you don't want me to do it? Because I can do it! I got the outfit right here.
Huh? Dad, leave, so I can get into character.
(HOMER MURMURS ANGRILY) Mmm-hmm.
Hello.
I'm a poor little sinner who's lost her way.
May I join your order? - How do you feel about kneeling? - Can't get enough.
You're in.
Finally, you must wear your habit modestly at all times, not like Sister Marilyn.
Ooh! (GASPS) The nursery! (SINGING) If you're happy and you know it That's a sin If you're happy and you know it That's a sin Where's Maggie? Mother Superior, are those all the babies in our orphanage? Looking for more unwanted babies, are you? Well, next week's nine months after the prom.
They'll be stacked up to the ceiling.
No.
I was just thinking you might have some in the back you haven't put out yet.
Oh, a doubting Thomas, are you? Well, more of a Curious George.
Well, little monkey, it's time for you to spend some time with the Man in the Yellow Hat.
Why would Mother Superior lie to me about not having Maggie? What is going on? (GASPS) A jewel.
Why would nuns want a jewel? Find the jewel, find what you desire.
The jewel will lead me to my baby sister? Why are you telling me this? Because I'm sick of that Mother Superior.
Whenever we play football, she has to be quarterback.
Now you must solve a series of clues.
You mean an increasingly difficult series of challenges to my intellect? That's so cool.
- Plus, you find your sister.
- Oh, sure.
Your first clue.
And before you decide to become a nun, consider this.
I am only 23.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY) Hmm.
(READING IN LATIN) That's Latin.
'"Deum '"is God.
And of course '"quaerite'"means seek.
"Seek God with heart and soul.
" Heart and Soul! (PLAYING HEARTAND SOUL) (SINGING) I fell in love with you Heart and soul (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS) (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Homie, I haven't held Maggie all day.
Can you hand her to me? No problem, sweetie.
Ooh! Mommy's little baby is getting big and chubby.
Who's a chubby baby? But that doesn't mean that you can't have a little dinner.
Hmm.
You're not usually this greedy.
(IN LOW VOICE) Cool it.
She's getting suspicious.
(IN DIFFERENT VOICE) You cool it! I'm hungry! Cryptic message.
Maybe this will lead me to the gem.
Hmm.
What if I read every other word? (READING) That's not very nice.
I will try again but not because the wall told me to.
(READING) (GASPS) Big ring.
Big ring.
So many rings.
But which one is the key to finding the gem? Well, did you get it? No.
I'm not a smart nerd.
I'm just a weak nerd.
The biggest ring in Springfield comes from the bell in the Springfield bell tower! Oh.
Oh! Good night, Bart.
I'll be right in, Lisa! (GRUNTS) Good night, Lisa.
Good night.
(PLAYING POORLY) Ooh! Jazz.
Keep going and I'll scat.
(SCATTING) (LISA EX CLAIMS) Principal Skinner? Comic Book Guy? What are you doing here? Following you.
We seek the gem of St.
Teresa.
Oh.
Well, I seek it so I can find my sister.
How do you know about the gem? We are an ancient order of mystery buffs who hide in shadow and call ourselves The Brethren of the Quest.
Because we do our sleuthing in Mother's Nissan Quest minivan.
- Tell me all you know about the gem.
- Never! Does your mother know you're using her minivan? You see, legend has it that on her deathbed, St.
Teresa of Avila had a vision of a jewel that would usher in an era of peace and harmony.
She dispatched a team of nuns to the New World to seek this fabulous gem.
They landed at what is now Philadelphia, (PHILLIE PHANATIC HONKING NOSE) And used the timbers of their ship to construct a convent.
The order flourished, never forgetting its sacred mission.
But word about the gem got out, and a group of high-ranking Freemasons led by Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, and King George III staged a phony war of independence to cover their search for the gem.
(EX CLAIMS) (BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH GROWLING ANGRILY) (BOTH LAUGHING) Fleeing the violence, the nuns of St.
Teresa 's left the colonies and settled here in Springfield.
Legend and Wikipedia have it that the gem will be revealed during the first full moon after a solar eclipse.
That's tonight! (EX CLAIMS MOCKINGLY) One question remains.
Why did you come here? Because I cleverly deduced the answer to Springfield's biggest ring.
(EX CLAIMS IN FRENCH) Well, it gives me no pleasure to say your deduction was faulty! This is a fake, papier-mâché bell.
The real bell was melted down in World War II to make Civil War chess sets, four of which I own.
Oh, my God! I know what the biggest ring in Springfield is! It's been right in front of us the whole time.
- Ah.
Ah, yes.
I see it.
- I see it, too.
Let's head that way.
We'll walk or drive to the obvious solution.
Oh, the word "ring"! (LISA AND JEFF SNICKER) (DOGS PANTING) Well, well, if it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
Mr.
Burns? What are you doing here? I've known about the gem for years.
You see, my dear girl, I joined the Freemasons before it was trendy.
That's my eyeball on the dollar bill.
That's also my pyramid.
Hence, I trailed you on your quest, accompanied by my faithful albino.
I keep telling you, I'm not an albino! I just use a lot of sun block.
Then why do I give you all the albino holidays off? Hmm? Hmm? Look! There's writing on the "R.
" Everything is writing to you young people.
From this angle they're words.
(LISA READING) Great crimes kill holy sage? The puzzle is solved.
We must warn the holy sage at once! No! That's not it.
A secret message this awkwardly worded is always an anagram.
Fine.
Then you unscramble those letters to spell out the location of the gem while you two dig your own graves.
(GRUNTS) Superman, I have believed in you for years.
If you can hear me now, please come help me dig this giant grave.
So the anagram spells (LISA READING) So the gem is inside you? Sir, stop.
She is the gem.
(GASPS) Of course.
St.
Teresa wouldn't be interested in a mere bauble.
Her greatest treasure would be a pure young girl.
You are pure, aren't you? - Does kissing Milhouse count? - No.
- No.
- No.
It all adds up.
I am the gem that will bring world peace.
How brilliant of God to remove my skepticism by making me his chosen one! According to legend, the gem must be brought to the convent by sunrise.
We could make it if we took Mr.
Burns' helicopter.
Hmm.
I don't really want you people inside.
But you could dangle from the skids.
Deal.
It feels good to help someone, doesn't it, sir? No.
It feels weird.
(JEFF GRUNTS) (ALL SINGING O FORTUNA) Look who's here! (ALL CONTINUE SINGING) Fine, fine.
Finish your song.
I can be patient.
- After all, I am the Gem Child.
- Hush, you foolish girl! The gem is over there.
Maggie? No, no, no.
The solution was, "Regally, the rock gem is Lisa.
" Oh, please.
How many sentences start with the word "regally"? This one.
Oh, give me that! LISA: "It's really Maggie, Sherlock.
" You know, I have to point out that this only makes sense, if I get the wrong answer first.
I said hush! Now begins a new era of peace and prosperity for Springfield.
(ALL GASP) Come on, man! That's the fifth call you've missed today! That's it! You're out of Just set it to massage.
(EX CLAIMS IN PLEASURE) Something tells me the Gem of St.
Teresa has been returned to its throne.
(GASPS) Maggie, it's true! You are the Gem Child! Four centuries of patient sacrifice has finally paid off.
All is peace and harmony.
Give me my baby back! Mom, how did you know Maggie was here? A mother knows! (MARGE MURMURS WORRIEDLY) Maggie, you're coming home with me.
Mom, wait! Maggie is the Gem Child! She's brought peace to our town and reports of less road rage in Shelbyville.
She has to stay here.
Well, it would be nice if the first thing I saw was a world at peace.
(GURGLES) You're even more beautiful than I remembered.
I'm sorry.
But I know God would never ask a mother to sacrifice her child for the good of the world again.
(MARGE MURMURS WORRIEDLY) Maybe I'm just being selfish.
I don't know.
No, Marge.
You're the most giving person I know.
Besides, I gave them another Gem Child to sit on their precious throne.
Step aside, ladies.
I'm bringing the peace.
(ALL GASP) (ALL SCREAMING) (CHUCKLES) I am so staying up past my bedtime.
English - US - SDH