The Simpsons s20e14 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BARNEY BURPS) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (PANTS) (GROWLS) (BARKING) (TV SHATTERS) A home and garden show? (ALL GROAN IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Mom, you said we were going to a videogame expo.
You told me we were gonna pick up trash by the freeway.
You told me something but I wasn't listening.
I'm sorry for fibbing.
Tell you what, if you don't like it, you can complain all the way home.
Fair enough.
Kids, let's practice.
(BLOWS) (VOCALIZING) Well, that sucks.
- There's a day we'll never get back.
- I was so bored! That was good.
But, Lisa, you're still complaining from your throat, not your diaphragm.
(SINGING) I was so bored Ooh! Look, a welcome mat that tells you your weight.
AUTOMA TED MALE VOICE: Your weight is Warranty voided.
D'oh! Oh, my God! Look over there! The Sprinkle King, Sprinkle Queen and Deluxe Sprinkle King are the Simon and Garfunkel plus one of hose/nozzle dispersal arrays.
Observe.
Hmm.
Hmm.
(LAUGHING) Classic hose play.
What is that soothing sound? Maybe it's beef stew.
(GASPS) Hot tubs! Guys, what's it like? (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) Getting a backrub from an orgasm.
I want to buy your fanciest hot tub.
You mean the You Soup 5000.
Please, can I get it, Marge? Please, please? I can have all my birthday parties in it.
I'll be less stressed.
And I'm really freaking stressed! If I'm more relaxed, I'll be a better mom.
Can we? Can we? - Wait a minute.
Who am I pleading with? - Beats me.
- I don't know.
- Please, please, please.
(ALL MOANING HAPPILY) Now I know why lobsters let out that joyful squeal when they're dropped in the pot.
Uh-oh.
We're starting to attract swingers.
- All right! - Yeah.
- Yes! - Look at that.
(ALL EX CLAIM IN DISGUST) I'm on it.
Go back to your day spas! (DISCO STU HUMMING) (DISCO STU EX CLAIMS) Maybe we should get out now.
Interesting proposal.
Now with an opposing point of view, bubbles! LISA: Oh, yeah! (ALL MOANING HAPPILY) (ALL MOANING HAPPILY) Hey, cool your jets! We're trying to get to sleep! Hey, Flanders, why don't you join us? - Afraid you'll get your mustache wet? - Well, yes.
Come on, man! Baptize your buns! Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
(ALL MOANING HAPPILY) (MURMURING CONTENTEDLY) (NED CONTINUES MURMURING CONTENTEDLY) I feel like we're forgetting something.
Mmm.
There was a note on the fridge marked "urgent.
" Funny word, urgent.
Urgent.
Urgent.
One of us should go look at it.
Mmm.
Probably a reminder to relax more.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's it.
(GRUNTING) I'm sorry, Abe.
We just can't wait for your family any longer.
But they're coming.
My son even put a note on his refrigerator.
- Please wait.
- I'm afraid it's too late.
On your mark, get set No! (GRUNTS) (CROWD CHEERING) They're blanks, Abe.
(ALL MOANING HAPPILY) - Hey, what happened to the bubbles? - You good-for-nothing jellyfish! While you were lying here soaking like a bunch of dirty dishes, I was Ionelier than Estes Kefauver at a meeting of Murder Incorporated! That actually makes sense! Look it up! Sorry we missed your special day, Grampa.
We'll definitely go next year.
The thing is, I ain't got much life left to live, and a wasted day like today is one I know I'll never get back.
Oh, Dad, I never knew you had dreams or emotions.
We'll make it up to you.
We'll do something you've always wanted to do but never got the chance.
Well, there are a few things I was hoping to do before I become dust in a jar.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said anything about a jar? Anyway, I made a list.
Okay.
(HOMER READING) "Pitch in the Negro Leagues.
" I can think of at least two problems with that.
Can't read that one.
My thumb's over it.
(HOMER READING) We'll do that one! HOMER: This place is in Ireland? ABE: That's right.
Now let's make our reservations! Lousy old man, making me look up at an airplane.
(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) PILOTON P.
A: Welcome to Ireland, also known as the Emerald Isle, Potatoville, East Boston, Freckle Bog, the Land of Poetry and the Land of Bad Poetry.
And on your left, you'll see Western Ireland.
On your right, you'll see Kathy Ireland.
Hi, everyone.
I'm finally back.
The days I spent at O'Flanagan's Pub were the happiest ones of my life.
ALL: (SINGING) We drink all day We're full of guilt We know we're not Scots 'cause we don't wear a kilt We toss our darts with a beer in our hand We boil our food till it tastes really bland This is the life in Ireland Ireland! (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) (BLEATING) (SINGING) Oh, this is the life in Ireland LISA: Dunkilderry is so quaint.
It looks like the puzzle at the pediatrician's office.
Get ready to step back to a simpler age, filled with tweed caps, cheerful sheep and unending troubles.
What the Upscale boutiques? Yup-rechauns! (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Plasma screen TV.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Summer in Tuscany.
Well, Ireland is at the forefront of Europe's tech boom.
In your face, Belgium! Bart, if you hate Belgium so much, maybe I should take your Tintins away! No! I'll be good.
But my favorite pub is still there.
This isn't the way I remember it! Where's the customers? Where's the singing? Where's 20-year-old me? Run! Run, you big sack of glue! - Tom O'Flanagan? - Quiet! They're in the home stretch now! Come on.
Come on.
Move your fetlocks! Damn it! Will you ever win this race? - This broadcast is from 1979.
- Yes.
I'm just an old man yelling at me tapes.
I've got lots of time for that now no one comes into me bar anymore.
(MISPRONOUNCING) It's been years since I've sold so much as a pint.
Don't you mean "pint"? It's been so long I've forgotten how to say it! It's a joke to even call this place a pube.
What happened, Tom? Everyone got jobs, that's what happened.
Sir, I brought my father thousands of miles just to drink at your bar.
Do you mean it? Look, don't toy with an old man's heart now.
Give me a beer and a shot of whiskey.
I'll have one drink, one cocktail and one booze, please.
Oh! While your father and your grandfather have a drink, we're going to see sights.
Hey, I just spent 10 hours on a plane.
I'm staying here.
They've got German Krusty on TV.
(GREETING IN GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) Such a beautiful language.
That's not how a family vacation works.
We do things together while your father has fun without us.
All right, Tom, pour me a drink.
We have this delicious Australian Shiraz.
(SPUTTERS) - An Irish drink.
- Fine.
Here's some Bushmills whiskey served in a potato, floating in a Guinness stout! (SPUTTERS ANGRILY) I said an Irish drink! That's better.
"The Giant's Causeway is the result of a volcanic eruption.
" Well, kids, isn't that an informational fact? Kids? Come back here! (Q*BERTTHEME MUSIC PLAYING) (VOICE SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Guinness has been brewed since 1759.
Who'd like to know our secret recipe? (ALL EX CLAIMING EX CITEDLY) I'm not going to tell you.
(ALL EX CLAIMING) Sure if I did, it wouldn't be a secret.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
- That concludes our tour.
- WOMAN: She is great.
(MARGE HUMMING) (GROANS) Well, you may know the ingredients, - but you don't know the ratio! - Fifty-fifty? (SPUTTERS ANGRILY) (FOG HORN BLOWS) (MAN COUGHING) "At Mick Ellis Island, returning immigrants who are sick of America "are processed by Irish authorities.
" - Name? - Frank Smith.
From now on, you're Francis O'Shaunessey.
Next.
- Bill Jones.
- Seamus Fitzpatrick.
Next.
You're Liam Fitzpatrick and you're brothers with him.
I said you're brothers.
I didn't say you got along.
They say if you kiss the Blarney Stone, you get the gift of gab, which is great, but I'm not sure I like the idea of getting a gift in return for kissing.
What kind of a message is that for Lisa and Maggie? Those are my daughters.
But on the other hand, America doesn't have any stones worth kissing, except for Stone Phillips.
Do you have one of him here? If so, he's our your him.
(SINGING) K- l-S-S-M-Y-A-S-S spells kiss my ass (LAUGHING) BART: Fresh.
I'm gonna carve me initials in it! (GULPS) (LAUGHS) ALL: (SINGING) This is the life in Ireland (BOTH GRUNTING) You okay, Dad? I just had a nightmare that I was back with your mother! (ALL LAUGHING) How I miss her.
(BOTH SNORING) Ah! There they are, Dunkilderry's newest tavern keepers.
(BOTH EX CLAIM) Well, last night you said you never wanted to leave this pub, - so you bought it from me.
- We what? All these pictures tell no lies.
There's you meeting with the loan officer and the title insurance company.
Here's me replacing the window sashes that had the termite damage, as per the escrow agreement.
I have to say, for blind drunks, you had an excellent knowledge of Irish real estate law.
We bought this dump? You most certainly did.
(HOMER GROANS) ABE: What the (LAUGHING HEARTILY) (COUGHING) So long, suckers! (LAUGHING) Well, Dad, was there anything on your list about being cheated by an Irishman? Fourth one from the bottom.
D'oh! That takes care of my next one.
(GROWLS ANGRILY) I never heard of half this stuff.
This brandy is 50 years old! Better toss it! Hey, boy-o! How about a tall cool one? How about you, Green Sleeves? Irishmen love to get drunk! - I'm in AA.
- Who are you? Stuttering Fonzie? (LAUGHS) What about you, Bicycle Pants? I'm late for a teleconference with Hong Kong, you fat gob! Why, you (GRUNTS) Uh-oh.
Our first sale! Our first refund.
- Find any customers? - Yeah! Look at them crowding the bar! There's Sully and Mack, Jimmy D.
And Jimmy B.
What can I get you, boys? The usual? We are so screwed! It must be Bloomsday.
(BOTH EX CLAIM) Every June 16, lovers of James Joyce follow the route traveled by Leopold Bloom in the novel Ulysses.
Hmm.
Let me make a note of that.
Mmm-hmm.
What you're saying is, we've run out of fun things to do.
Pretty much, yeah.
There's always something to do in Ireland.
I'm trying to woo back a girl that I met in a music shop.
Watch this, kids.
(SINGING) I don't know you But I want you all the more Leave me alone! I have a husband! And quit sending her pianos! Ireland doesn't like pubs anymore.
It's as if Danish people stopped liking sleek modern design! Bite your tongue! That will never ever happen! Well, we need help, someone who can make money with a bar that has no customers and zero charm.
- Moe, you shipped yourself here? - No.
It's how you fly coach on Delta now.
Moe, something terrible has happened.
The Irish have become hardworking and sober! Here's how you turn this place around.
I let people do things in my bar they can't do nowhere else.
You want a drink on a Sunday morning? No problem.
You want to slow dance with a goat? I'll be doing a lot of things, but judging ain't one of them.
Are you saying we should break the law? (SCOFFS) The law? That jerk? So what can't people do in modern Ireland? (LAUGHING) Well, they're certainly liberal when it comes to romance.
(GASPS) (HOMER EX CLAIMS) Sorry, but smoking in pubs ain't part of the new Ireland.
Also, you can't text while driving.
(GROANS) What has happened to the ways of old? People can't smoke indoors in Ireland! Then you let them.
Open a smoke-easy.
Gentlemen, we have a lot of work to do.
(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Ooh! - Moe, you were right.
- Thanks.
Now I'm gonna go look for my grandfather based on this childhood photo.
All I remember about him is he was part of a complete breakfast.
(CLEARS THROAT) The day they banned smoking from pubs, a little bit of Ireland died.
But thanks to these two sweet Yanks, our lungs are black with joy! - To Homer and his da! - ALL: Homer and his da! Well, Da, it looks like all your "der" have come "ter.
" Aw My son's first stroke.
(ALL CHATTERING) Look at all this euro dough.
These shamrocks sure love their tobaccy.
So it's a smoke-easy you're running, then? (BOTH EX CLAIM) So it's escaping you're thinking of, then? I can't tell if those are questions or statements.
So it's our syntax you're criticizing, then? Close her down, boys! (CUSTOMERS MURMURING) Throw them in the paddy wagon! I mean, the "us" wagon! (SIREN WAILING) Son, this was all my fault.
You were just trying to make an old man happy.
Don't worry, Dad.
We'll get out.
America is the New York Yankees of countries, powerful and respected until the year 2000.
Oh, son, you know how I love a good analogy.
(CHUCKLING) It was apt.
Let me say, I've always admired the Irish, Knute Rockne, Larry Bird, and especially Mr.
Potato Head.
Go on.
But I ask you, who does smoking actually hurt except the smokers, those around them and the unborn children of the pregnant women we let in free on Expectant-Mothers-Drink-Free Night? (GROANS) So I hope you'll forgive two well-meaning Americans for trying to take Ireland back to the good old days of Angela 's Ashes.
Thank you.
(ABE CHUCKLES) That was absolutely terrible.
But fortunately for you, the punishment for your offense is deportation and a small fine.
Thank you, Your Honor.
And may I say, I'm glad I could see Ireland again, even if it isn't what I remembered.
It got a lot nicer since we sent all our incompetent half-wits to America where you, for some reason, made them police officers.
Top of the morning to you.
Chief Clancy Wiggum here to pick up the Simpsons and take them back to the (EX CLAIMS) Jeez, that smarts! Better put a little ouchie spray on it.
(SCREAMS) Oh, boy! I better call for some backup.
This is Unit One (GROANING) Oh, God.
English - US - SDH