The Simpsons s20e15 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (EX CLAIMS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BARNEY BURPS) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (SIGHING CONTENTEDLY) And so in summary, there are only two real commandments, and the other eight are just filler.
- I knew it.
- Yeah.
And now I have some exciting news.
Tomorrow we'll be blessed with a visit from the highest ranking clergyman of our Presbylutheran faith, His Holiness, the Parson! (ALL CHATTERING EX CITEDLY) The Parson? He's coming here? (SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL) Oh, my God! She fainted! Let's go get smelling salts.
(CAR REVVING) HOMER: Suckers! Springfielders have camped out all night to get a glimpse of the most saintly person to visit our town since Mother Teresa stopped here to gas up her Vespa.
And I'm selling all sorts of faith-based knickknacks.
(LAUGHING) Let's take a look.
I'd commit arson for the parson.
Clergymen can kiss my apse.
All kinds of gems.
Surprisingly, none of them have sold.
Except for this one.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) There you have it.
News has never been softer.
What's that? The Parson is here! (CAR HONKING LA CUCARACHA) Oh, my God! It's him! The earthly embodiment of the elected chair of the National Congress of Deacons! Well, well, well.
Hello, everybody.
I hope you didn't go to all this trouble for little old me.
Parson! Parson! Give us a quick official church position on family.
Well, in these modern times, family is more important than ever.
You just made my moustache tingle.
Settle.
Settle down.
Now, now.
I am just a man like any other, that has been chosen by God.
I have come here from our world spiritual headquarters in Michigan City, Indiana, to say, keep up the good work.
(ALL CHEERING) And now if you'll excuse me, I'll do a little speakin' with your deacon.
(ALL LAUGHING) (SINGING) I love to go to church It's where I like to be I get a day in of praying And still tee off by three Calm down, Tim.
He's just your old roommate from Texas Christian.
He's like the pope of this thing! This would be like Mary Kay visiting you when you were selling her cosmetics! That is, if you had stuck with it.
You asked me to quit because I was making more than you.
Not now.
He's here.
Welcome, Your Holiness.
You'll love what we've done with the church.
There's fresh wax on all the pews.
Sounds to me like somebody put on more than just one coat.
Maybe.
Tim, is there somewhere that we can talk? - Of course.
My office.
- Perfect.
(SINGING) Walking to your office Is what I like to do Maybe while we're at it We'll peek in at your pews (GASPS) Nilla Wafer? I'll take two if you don't mind.
Tim, I'm here because of a problem with your last recertification.
When we tried to charge the filing fee to your credit card, it was declined.
Oh, yeah.
The bank put on a security hold after they saw a charge from an offshore poker club.
Helen had bought a fireplace poker from Nova Scotia.
She says it shifts logs better than American pokers, but I disagree.
We'll get through it.
We always do.
Well, love conquers all, huh? (CHUCKLING) I remember when she was Helen Schwartzbaum.
In fact, I remember when she was Harold Schwartzbaum.
- You what? - I've said too much.
But for the three months it took your card to go through, you weren't certified.
Anything you officiated during that time, funerals, baptisms, even bingo, well, it just didn't count.
(CHUCKLING) Well, I'm sure the Lord is understanding.
No, he's not! I'll notify those affected right away.
(TIM MURMURING) Tea time.
- What's going on? - Helen, I was briefly uncertified.
So all those graces you said were a lie? That food might as well have been regurgitated by Satan himself.
(SINGING) Regurgitated by Satan He couldn't keep it down Old 666, he got sick, sick, sick And that's how volcanoes were born Due to a bureaucratic snafu, I wasn't an official minister when we laid your dear Estelle to rest.
So, she's still alive? I'm afraid not.
Good.
Because I left her ashes on the bus.
Mmm.
So, Captain, when I blessed your vessel, it didn't count.
(EX CLAIMS) Maybe the next one! So I'm afraid I wasn't a minister when I blessed your tin roof shanty.
So that's why that ghost keeps a-comin' to the window.
- MAILMAN: Afternoon.
- Fly away, ghostie! Go back to your haunted cornfield! Reverend Lovejoy, you deliver pizza now? We didn't order a pizza.
But you forgot the pizza anyway.
Marge, the pizza place screwed up again! You remember when I remarried you two after Homer got that divorce? Like it was yesterday.
(HUMMING) Kirk and Luann split up.
So, Homer, fearing we would do the same, preemptively filed for divorce.
But then you re-married us and we were as solid as ever.
And I think Apu got lucky with my sister.
(MARGE SIGHING) Well, I'm afraid that joyous occasion fell during a time when I wasn't actually a minister.
Since that time, you two have not been legally wed.
You don't get it, Padre.
My old lady and I have a thing going on.
We don't need a piece of paper to keep it real.
- Who are you calling an old lady? - I need that paper quick! So, you and Mom aren't married? Does that mean I'm a bastard? You were born while they were married.
So, legally, no.
But in the sense someone calls you one when they're angry, yes.
It's not a big deal.
We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.
I think it's romantic.
You can pretend you're newlyweds starting a life together.
Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock.
Why, you little bastard! That's the angry one.
(MUTTERING ANGRILY) MOE: Hmm.
(MURMURS SADLY) This isn't the most romantic place to get married.
Sweetie, any place I'm marrying you is the most romantic place in the world.
Watch your back! Half a corpse coming through! (SIGHING SADLY) Marge, this time I'm gonna give you the wedding you deserve.
Let's get out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's the line to get out.
(HOMER MURMURS SADLY) (HUMMING HAPPILY) MARGE: Ah! (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hello.
It's me, Lance Romance.
Your first mission is to look out the window.
(GIGGLING) Whatever you say, Lance.
Oh! (BARNEY GRUNTS) Whoa! BILL: This is Bill and Marty saying, '"Marge, go down to the basement.
'" (EX CLAIMING) (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON VIOLIN) Homer, what's going on? The violin, pants with a crease? Why? Marge, you deserve a wedding day that, unlike our children, was planned in advance.
So, will you marry me in style? Yes, Homer! Yes! Did you hear that, Santa? She said yes! Yes! (LAUGHS HAPPILY) Now back to your cold, airless tomb.
SANTA: (IN MECHANICAL VOICE) Ho, ho, ho.
Oh! It's beautiful.
But that's an awful lot to pay for a dress I'll only wear once.
Marge, a woman only gets one chance at a second remarriage.
The choice is yours.
You can look like a fairy princess or a pig wrapped in rags.
- Uh A princess? - Fine.
We'll do it your way.
This one's a little gay, isn't it? Well, the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
(GROANS IN DISGUST) How'd you check? Check out this rocket ship cake, Marge! That's for a child's birthday.
We're going to get this one.
Maybe we could bury the rocket ship inside the cake.
And that would be a big surprise because I'd forget about it pretty quick.
No rockets! You can pick the frosting.
- Chocolate! - We'll take lemon.
Okay, I want white roses at the altar, red roses along the aisle, - and blue roses in the centerpieces.
- There are no blue roses.
- I want to talk to Howard! - Howard died 10 years ago.
Well, did he take all the blue roses with him? My father was a lovely man.
He took very good care of my mother and me.
All right, people, I want every table to have two baskets of bread but only one plate of butter.
That will stimulate conversation.
- What if we - There is no "we" in wedding! But there is, Marge.
The first two letters.
I can't believe you're ruining the second Thursday before the wedding! Homer! (GRUNTING ANGRILY) I can't believe you told Lenny and Carl they could bring dates.
'Cause they're not even coming to the wedding.
Why not? Because their RSVP cards arrived one day after the deadline! Marge, maybe you should take a break from wedding planning.
I think you're becoming a bridezilla! Bridezilla? (GASPS) A combination of bride and Godzilla? How could you say that? More like you're a King Wrong! (BOTH GRUNTING) (GROWLING) (GROWLING) Mmm.
(HUMMING) No matter what I do, Marge yells at me.
If she's like this now, what will she be like after we get married? Oh! Okay! Okay! Everyone, back off! I want to see myself.
A pimple? Not on my day, you don't.
(GRUNTING) Okay, it's go time.
Dim the lights.
Cue the band.
(BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING) And release the groom! Homer, that's you! (GRUNTS ANGRILY) We are now 11 seconds behind schedule! Homie? (CRYING) (WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN PLAYING) (CRYING) I can't believe Homer left me at the altar.
Marge, have a shrimp puff.
Wipe your tears with a monogrammed napkin.
MARGE: Oh! I know it is hard, but smile for the cameraman from Gary's Magic Moments.
You have my deepest sympathy.
HOMER: What's going on? What's with all the darkness? Hello? Marge? Where am I? (GRUNTS) What the I'm chained up like a common bicycle! (GRUNTING) Who would do this to me? It would have to be someone who could afford a chain.
DEEP VOICE ON SPEAKER: You're going to be here awhile.
But I have to marry Marge! As of now, your pathetic little life means nothing! Just so you know, you're making a pretty bad first impression! It's all my fault.
Homer wanted to serve those little cocktail hotdogs.
But, no! I had to have spring rolls! They taste like nothing.
I don't understand.
Dad would never miss an open bar with chicken wings.
Plus, he loves Mom and us, yadda-yadda-yadda.
Hey, I found something! (GASPS) - Sideshow Bob! - Sideshow Bob? He ruined the wedding, getting his revenge on us at last! Because he knows that if Mom and Dad don't get married, I'll never be born! (DOORBELL RINGING) I've got some wedding registry items for Mrs.
Simpson.
I'm afraid I'm just Ms.
Simpson now.
Interesting nuance.
I'd like to hear more about it but company policy forbids chitchat.
I miss you so much.
DEEP VOICE: To remove that chain, you need the key to the lock.
You idiot.
How am I ever gonna find the key to the Here it is.
(HOMER EX CLAIMS) To get the key, I have to lick through a lollipop? How awful! (SCREAMING) - What the - The lollipop is made of hot sauce.
Oh! Whose side are you on? (LAUGHING EVILL Y) (LAUGHING EVILLY) Sideshow Bob, drop that knife and give back our dad! (EX CLAIMS IN CONFUSION) I'm working on a bust of Krusty and using this knife to aerate the clay.
(GRUNTING) - Anyone for a peppermint tea? - Not for me.
But the monkey needs to keep his strength up.
We're gonna drop him out of a blimp tomorrow and see what happens.
(EX CLAIMS) Don't worry.
Nothing's gonna happen to you, Mr.
Teeny number seven.
Bob, did you take any breaks yesterday to kidnap our dad? Impossible.
I was with Bob the whole day! Then we watched the deluxe DVD of The House of Sand and Fog.
At night, we slept in the same bed for warmth.
Then we woke up, had a little nosh, watched The House of Sand and Fog again, with commentary.
The director was an ass.
Fine.
But how do you explain this? Nice of you to think of me.
However, "SB" could be anyone.
Scott Baio, the Sultan of Brunei, the former Polish secret police, the Sluzba Bezpieczenstwa.
Or (SOBBING) (GROANING) Marge, I miss you! I miss you so much.
Wait till he finds out the key isn't the key, but just a hotter sauce.
(BOTH LAUGHING EVILLY) - Hmm? - Hmm? (BOTH LAUGHING EVILLY) I'm gonna say this for the last time.
Bart, if this is one of your pranks, very funny.
- Maybe we should let him out soon.
- Not till Marge dumps him for good.
Hey, lame-o.
Ready for some fun with fire ants? What's fun about fire ants? They're Oh.
You're being sarcastic.
Wow.
You're the smartest guy in that room.
Thank you.
That's very Oh! More sarcasm.
Just see that my fiancée, Marge, gets this, my wedding vows.
"Marge, I hope this day is as perfect for you as the day we met was for me.
"You always find the one grain of sugar in the saltshaker that is I.
"With each marriage, I get a little better.
"Maybe after a thousand, I'll be worthy of you.
" I miss you.
I miss the kids.
God help me, I even miss your sisters! (BOTH SOBBING) - Poor guy.
- He loves her so much.
Excuse me.
But I have been waiting 45 minutes for you to slide my license over to me.
Closed! Okay, you are hereby banned from my store.
You will have to shop at the Kwik-E-Mart across the street from me! You know, the much nicer, much newer one.
Good day to you! Mom! Mom! We know where Dad is.
- He's right here.
- I'm not sure what happened.
I was kidnapped, then tortured, then I fell into a surprisingly sound sleep.
When I awoke, I felt refreshed.
Then I was blindfolded, and two sobbing trolls threw me out of a van onto our lawn.
I'm just happy you're back.
Now let's get that chain off you.
Won't it dry up in a few days and fall off in the bath? I've missed your nonsense.
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDING) Now there's no evidence to tie us to the kidnapping.
And we've got a one-year lease on that torture room.
So maybe we can put a tanning bed in there.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (PATTY AND SELMA EX CLAIM) We know it was you, Selma Bouvier! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Would you kids like cookies? Let your Auntie Patty make some cookies.
We don't want your cookies.
What she means is, we'll eat your cookies later.
If you don't want us to tell our mom what you did, you're gonna have to pay.
Pay? Pay for what? Ask her.
She's the brains.
I'm the thing that's not the brains.
(BOTH GRUNT ANGRILY) And with the inking and application of this stamp, you are officially married.
Next.
I'm sorry, honey.
I wanted so badly to give you a fancy wedding.
Homer, one thing I've learned is that you don't need a fancy wedding when you're marrying the man you love.
(BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING) (GASPS) Just what I always wanted! A rocket ship wedding cake! Just what I always wanted! We emptied our 401(k)s for this? Zoom.
Zoom.
Oh! Blue roses! Yes.
It took a lot of frantic genetic engineering, but enjoy.
(HISSING) No! You're a plant now!