The Simpsons s20e19 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (TRUMPET BLOWING) (CROWD CHEERING) (HUMMING) Care to try our new sciencewater? MARGE: The label is all in lower case.
It's like drinking e.
e.
Cummings.
And each of our flavors is named after a real word! - Nourish.
- Mmm.
- Vitality.
- Oh! - Purple.
- Ooh! - Potato Lime.
- Mmm.
- I Love the '90s.
- Oh.
New Car Smell.
Excuse me.
I'm feeling a little over-hydrated.
That's normal.
It just means your bladder's full of science.
Now if you'll excuse me, our company just went bankrupt.
(GROANING) (GASPS) Gotta find a place to tinkle! Language! Schools have bathrooms.
And I'm a woman, so my going in unattended won't cause a panic.
(MARGE HUMMING) - Hey, Mrs.
Simpson.
- Janey.
(SIGHS HAPPILY) That's Bart's class.
(SNORING) Lousy teachers.
(SNORING) Lousy hangover.
This school has really gone downhill.
That's an awfully crowded classroom.
Three, two, one.
Okay, children, I've just been granted tenure, so I'm gonna sit back and let Ralph teach for awhile.
(CLEARS THROAT) Class, in what year was one plus one? The answer is the Amazing Ralph! The only person getting an education here today was me, in how bad it is! Mrs.
Simpson, let me pour you a drink.
Scotch? Vodka? Gin? I got everything you want.
I want my kids in a decent school! Hey, I want the "check engine" light on my dashboard to shut off, but that ain't gonna happen.
Aah! And because of cutbacks, they were combining math with P.
E.
They were playing dodgebook! Look at this.
Springfield Elementary's rating is so low, it's more than two standard deviations below the norm! I can't understand that math reference because I went to Springfield Elementary! My cousin goes to a much better school.
He lives in Waverly Hills.
Their school system's the best! Their auditorium and their gym are two different rooms.
(ALL GASP) We can't afford to move to Waverly Hills.
Their house prices have commas in them.
As it is, our lawn is just green-painted cement.
(YELPS) I just wish I could go to a school like that even for one week.
'Tis better to have learned and lost than never to have learned at all.
What if we got a small apartment there? We wouldn't have to live in it, but we would have a Waverly Hills address.
Mom, that's brilliant! We could go to a school where special doesn't always mean bad and where the teachers don't have to moonlight as telemarketers.
As you know, the music of Air Supply is timeless.
And now their 50 biggest hits are on four CDs.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're putting us in a new school? What about my friends? Oh! Elementary school friends, those are forever! You're always gonna be friends with Milhouse! (SINGING) Stand by me Oh, stand by me Oh, stand now, stand by me Stand by me I need to rent an apartment in the worst part of Waverly Hills, the crappier the better.
- So cheap, eh? - Ahso sheepay to you.
I can't afford this place.
It's way too fancy.
Sometimes there's not a train going by.
Four walls? I was thinking more of something in a two or three.
No windows, no parking and a man died here.
Play it cool, Homer.
Don't let her know it's perfect.
Yeah Well, I'm looking at a lot of murder sites right now.
- Where's the bedroom? - Right here.
Tempting, tempting.
Where's the bathroom? In the Ethiopian restaurant - at the end of the block.
- I'll take it! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Waverly Hills That's where I want to be! Gimme gimme Gimme gimme Squatting in Waverly Hills Waverly Hills Get education fraudulently Gimme gimme Gimme gimme Mooching off Waverly Hills Well, welcome to Waverly Hills.
Your children can start school immediately.
- Thank you.
- Now, you'll be getting a random visit from the inspector sometime this month.
- The what? - It's just a formality to make sure you actually live here.
Some people use the address just so their kids can go to our schools.
I can see them now with their bald heads and their blue-haired wives! How I despise them.
Yeah.
Well, here's our inspector now.
Call it, friendo.
Heads! I mean, tails! I mean, on its side! Well done.
Now let me validate your parking.
That's not enough.
- Thank you.
- Oh! Goodnight, Marge.
It's so kind of you to live there so our kids can go to a better school.
When do I get to move back home? You just have to stay there until that psychopathic school inspector makes a surprise visit.
You can come home when the heat's off.
The heat is off.
The hissing from the radiator is a snake.
(HISSING) Please just stay there till Bart graduates high school.
That's another 20 or 30 years! (GROANS) Where am I? Wow! Your first day at the new school.
Lisa, have fun.
Bart, don't.
(GASPS) Look at this place.
It's everything I've ever dreamed of.
On campus stables! Field trips to Europe! Oh, my God.
Look what they serve in the cafeteria.
Welcome.
I'm your new principal, Dr.
Bettelheim.
Ooh! A doctorate! Wait! Don't matriculate those students! Principal Skinner? We need Lisa Simpson at Springfield Elementary.
She's our top student and she writes the fun facts in the morning announcements.
Skinner! Bettelheim.
Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing at another school? Seymour, as superintendent, I supervise every school in the district.
So, you're overseeing other people? I'm sorry if you misunderstood our arrangement.
What am I supposed to tell our children? They already know.
And they're happy for me.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Hey, neighbor.
Welcome to the jungle, also known as, "Royal Waverly Apartments.
" Brought you a housewarming present.
(FARTS) That was great! You mind if I use that at work? - It's yours, my friend.
- Hey, are you into poker? Well, I love to play, but I'm not very good.
Also, I always forget to cash my chips back in for money.
This man crush just got bromantic.
You make words into dudes! - Guy five! - Yeah! Hi, newbie.
I'm Caitlin with a "C.
" This is Kaitlyn with a "K.
" And this is Kate Lynn, two words.
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) I'm Lisa, one word.
So, Lisa, what's your favorite Alaska Nebraska song? Mine's Touch a Star.
Mine's Make It Yours: The Star Song.
Who's Alaska Nebraska? Who's Alaska Nebraska? Only the greatest 16-year-old singer /actress in the world! Do you even know how lame you are? I should warn you.
By using the term "lame," you're violating the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Ew! That makes you even lamer! (LAUGHING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - B-plus? - Nice work.
But I always get A's! At my old school, I got so many A's, the teachers didn't even check my work! Maybe that's why you got so many A's.
Oh, my God.
You've been challenged.
Well, Lisa, let's see how you respond.
(CRYING) Bart, at this school, I'm not a brain, I'm not popular, I'm not anything! Not to worry.
At this school, we've got a clean slate.
In fact, I'm establishing my cred right now.
(SIREN WAILS) CLANCY: Got you! - Hey! - Come on! Take this as a warning, kids.
Bart Simpson is the ultimate bad boy.
Befriend him and you'll wind up just like him, a rebel who does what he wants when he wants.
Wow.
Come on, tough guy.
Let's go.
GIRL: He's so bad! Okay, I held up my side of the bargain.
Now you have to go to Ralphie's birthday party.
- A deal's a deal.
- And you'll stay till we cut the cake.
Fine.
I want one gift bag now, - and one when the party's over.
- Fine, you got it.
BIG TONY: You wanted a powwow, Chief? I know you been dealing drugs at the high school.
But I'll look the other way if you come to Ralphie's party.
I ain't gonna pin no tail on no donkey! Look, just come to the party.
It's gonna be fun.
Batman's gonna be there! (STUTTERS) Batman? I ain't messing with no caped crusader.
(SIGHS) ALL: Wow.
I wonder what he did? - I heard he burned down his old school.
- I heard he killed a groundskeeper.
Oh, my.
That's a bit rough.
Now to turn my sis from loser to schmoozer.
Qué pasa, ladies? - You're that bad boy.
- What do you want from us, bad boy? Don't tell anyone but my sister Lisa is best friends with Alaska Nebraska.
- Get out of here! - No way! You so lie! She didn't even know who Alaska Nebraska was.
Duh! She said that because she respects Alaska's privacy, just as I have no doubt you guys will respect Lisa's privacy.
(CHUCKLES) We're approaching bandwidth overload, sir.
It's gossip at Waverly Elementary.
- How juicy is it? - The juiciest! - Hi, Lisa.
- Hi, Caitlin.
- She knows my name! - No, she knows my name! Bart, your plan worked.
My plan was to lie, lie like hell, and that's what I did.
Well, well.
It seems like someone forgot about a previous engagement at the bowling alley from 2:00 to 4:30! (GASPS) Get him and string him up! "You have the right to be delighted.
"If you do not have a gift, one will be provided for you.
" (HUMMING) HOMER: It's open.
Marge, I'm glad you came! There's a kegger down the hall.
We can go as soon as I desecrate this corpse.
I'm sorry, Marge.
Where are my manners? Did you want to taunt my kill, also? Press the X button.
I'm doing it! (PEOPLE CHATTERING) I'll get us some brewskis.
Cup, m'lady? Or would you care to funnel it down thy throat? Definitely a cup.
Foam wasn't spilt in a day.
- Dude, your date is hot.
- Does she have a sister? Two, actually.
Twins.
Twins! I was an astronaut for a little bit.
So many rules.
(CHUCKLES) Your hair smells nice.
- Listen.
I got a place down the hall.
- Let's go.
So were you two in the same accident or what? We don't need a bed.
We're not gonna be sleeping.
Woo-hoo! (KNOCKING ON WALL) We're not the only ones having a good time.
What in God's name was I thinking? Maybe you could over again.
I'll cook you my special microwave burritos.
I stop the oven when the middle is still a little bit frozen.
You know what a girl likes, mister.
So can I see you again? How about you, me and my wife have a two-way? (CHUCKLES) Hi.
Lisa, I re-graded your paper from the other day - and you got an A.
- Really? My kid's a huge Alaska Nebraska fan.
If she could somehow get an autographed photo or t-shirt, that would be A+ in my book.
Did you just wink at me? Oh, look.
There are pumpkin stickers on the floor.
They must have fallen off your homework for next week, which you don't have to hand in.
I didn't think I'd get a fresh start like this till junior high.
(EX CLAIMS IN FRENCH) (EX CLAIMING IN FRENCH) Even the Ralph of this school speaks French.
(BIDDING FAREWELL IN FRENCH) I love tapas.
It's like appetizers for a meal that never comes.
Try the flan de leche de cabra.
Be sure to dig around in the gunk.
(GASPS) Homie! A key to your apartment.
And I've got a present for you.
But you'll have to wait till we're back at the apartment.
Why can't I have it now? You got your present here.
Basic fairness dictates Oh! (CELL PHONE RINGS) Caitlin, hi.
Do a reading at your bat mitzvah? (THANKING IN YIDDISH) Now my bat mitzvah means something.
By the way, I was wondering.
There's this Alaska Nebraska concert this weekend, and the tickets are all sold out.
Well, if it's sold out, even Alaska Nebraska's best friend couldn't do anything about that.
(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) Can't build more seats.
Then get us backstage passes.
Surprise! I redecorated! Where are my video games, my X-Box? My Wii? You don't need a Wii now that I'm here, because you and me make us.
You know, you're starting to remind me a lot of my first wife.
We can talk about that after brunch with my mother.
(EX CLAIMS ANGRILY) Miss Nebraska, your purified water and fried chicken skins are here.
I am so tired of fans in my food.
Alaska, we've never met, but everyone thinks I'm your best friend.
Wait, wait.
Let me guess.
I'm supposed to give all your best friends front row seats and backstage passes.
- Could you? - First, riddle me this.
What's your favorite episode of my show? You have a show? Look, can you please, please help a poor little girl who was just trying to fit in? It's what half your songs are about.
You know what? I was a little girl who didn't fit in, either.
So you know what I did? I got a new nose, I got famous, and now I date the starting point guard for the L.
A.
Clippers.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meditate and smoke.
(SIGHS) Wait.
I want to ask you something.
Could you tell I lip-synched that whole speech? (ON RECORDING) You know what? I was a little girl who didn't fit in, either.
So you know what I did? I got a new nose.
I That's amazing.
I know.
Security.
You know, I think those shirts should say "Insecurity.
" Because if you feel you have to put what you are on your shirt, then I feel sorry for you.
Do you feel sorry for me? Guess not.
Where have you been? We have mirrors to hang! - I went to a movie.
- Without me? How'd you get there? - I drove.
- Without me? Sometimes I think this 50-square-foot apartment isn't big enough for the both of us! Fine! You can have your key back! I got it halfway.
It went back.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) City inspector.
I'm here to verify that this is the residence of Bart and Lisa Simpson.
D'oh! Hello, friendos.
Here comes Lisa with our backstage passes.
- Yay! - Yay! People, I'm not who you think I am.
I'm just a transfer student who wanted to make some friends.
Yes, I lied to you.
But you only liked me because of a lie.
So if you think about it Get the liar! Those are last year's shoes! - Kill her! - Also, it's Lisa! Kill her twice! Go, Dog.
Go with pages missing.
Lego spaceship, poorly assembled.
Clearly this is the home of elementary school children.
Too bad.
I was looking forward to killing you and making it look like a suicide.
Thank you, friendo.
- I am not your friendo.
- But I thought You said Mom! Dad! I have to leave Waverly Hills and never come back! I gotta get back, too! I just remembered I was playing hide and seek with Milhouse.
Three weeks? This has gotta be some kind of record! I can't leave my bachelor pad.
- My bros will miss me.
- No, we won't.
Your comments when we watch movies aren't funny.
Why do you watch comedies if you don't want to hear more jokes? Please.
I just want to go back to a place where I'm ostracized for being me, not for who I pretend to be.
What do you think, Marge? Maybe we've outgrown our first apartment.
Yeah.
A house in the suburbs does sound pretty nice right now, although I am gonna miss our little love nest.
Get a room! - HOMER: Come on, boy.
Be cool.
- But Be cool or you're grounded.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Waverly Hills That's where I want to be! Gimme gimme Gimme gimme Squatting in Waverly Hills Waverly Hills Get education fraudulently Gimme gimme Gimme gimme Mooching off Waverly Hills English - US - SDH