The Simpsons s20e20 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (BIRD CAWS) D'oh! (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) Mmm (LOUD CRASH) My daughter's here for her first mani-pedi.
Mom, I'm glad you brought me here, but isn't it more important for a woman to be smart and powerful than beautiful? A woman can be smart, beautiful, and powerful, like Queen Elizabeth I.
She had it all.
Except the most important thing.
- Please don't say "a man.
" - No! A husband! The year was 1588, 400 years before Kirk Gibson would hit his famous home run.
Queen Elizabeth ruled over all of England.
Every eligible bachelor in Europe wanted her hand in marriage.
Majesty, thy suitors await.
I don't understand why I need a king.
So you can pump out a son and then I don't gotta work for no broad no more.
My liege.
Announcing Prince Ralph of Austria! - Off with my head! - Pass.
King Julio of Spain.
Hello, Queenie baby.
Forget it.
I've seen you making goo-goo eyes at my court jester.
Well, I like a man who can make me laugh! But for you, I'll make an exception.
Hands off my harlequin! This is 1588, and his material is fresh and hip.
You have made a big mistake, lady! His Excellency Sir Walter Raleigh.
Hmm Your Majesty, I have returned from the New World with a gift.
This healthful and slimming herb, tobacco.
Ooh! (EX CLAIMS) If I ever have sex, this'll be great afterwards.
I'll show those uppity English food boilers.
What is the status of my armada? A hundred and twenty of the finest killing machines ever built.
Ooh! Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Now take me to the real ones.
Those are the real ones.
"Watch out, England.
" "No! Have mercy, my lord!" - "Never.
" - Guards! Take him away and put things inside of him.
- Nice things? - No.
Not nice things.
Allow me.
Ooh! You have the strength of a plow horse but the charm of a cart horse.
SELMA: Treason! How dare you make out under my crenelations while I make out not? Don't you know that I love you? I've always loved you! Which one of us are you talking to? I'm not sure.
Both! Neither! What difference does it make? Take them to the Tower! Whoa.
Someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again! (GRUNTING) It's you, Your Majesty.
(CLEARS THROAT) - The Spanish Armada sails for England.
- Armada? What's "armada"? Nothing.
What's armada with you? (LAUGHING) Seriously, though, we're in real trouble here.
Come, Tea Biscuit.
(GRUNTING) (NEIGHING) The time of battle grows nigh.
MOE: So here's us, and a whole lot of them.
It's probably a little too early to be standing under this.
Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant for the sole reason that our fat, mean king could dump his faithful wife, we know you're on our side.
So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe your mother should be revered.
Amen.
Abandon ship! (SCREAMS) Normally, I love to see flaming dreamboats headed my way, but not like this, baby! Not like this! For destroying the Spanish Armada, I dub thee "Sir" Sir Walter Raleigh.
And I grant you two my blessing.
Your Majesty, it's so kind of you to give up the one man you truly loved.
- I don't need a man.
For I have England! - Yeah.
You keep telling yourself that.
(TOY SQUEAKING) You keep soaking.
We're going to Koo Koo Roo.
Which in our language means nothing.
- Lisa, you are going to look so pretty.
- Thank you.
But I know a story of a dangerous obsession with female beauty.
It's called Snow White and the Seven Excuse me.
The story you're about to tell is the copyrighted property of the Walt Disney Corporation.
Can you sharpen these? Excuse me, but Snow White is a fairytale from hundreds of years ago.
- No one owns that.
- Are there any dwarves in your story? Yes.
But they're my own original creation.
There's Crabby, Drunky, Hungry, Greedy, Lenny - Kearney! - LISA: And Doc tor Hibbert.
(CHUCKLING) (SINGING) Ho-hi (ALL SINGING) Ho-hi, ho-hi It's off to work Ho-hi This song's not like any song you know Ho-hi Ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi LISA: Little did they know their lives were about to be changed forever, by a wicked queen.
HDTV on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? You would do in a pinch, my queen.
But Snow White's the fairest I have seen.
Also, there's a weather girl on Channel 9 who's (EX CLAIMING) Bring me Snow White's heart in this box.
What'll I do with the rest of the body? Put it in this box.
Then you'll get your reward.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (HUMMING) Now turtle, I'll need you to get in the soup.
(EX CLAIMS HAPPILY) (PANTING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) I I cannot do it! Run, lassie! Find wee little men and hide with them! Now to fool the queen with a pig's heart.
I I cannot do it! (SOBBING) Maybe I'll make her a heart out of construction paper! I I cannot do it! Let's see.
Gingerbread house.
Grandma's house.
(CACKLING) Ah! Here we are.
(YAWNING) All that walking made me sleepy.
This bed's too hard.
(CREAKING) This bed's too soft.
And this bed is just like the first one! Also too hard! I guess I'll sleep in the one that's too soft.
(YAWNING) (SINGING) Ho-hi, ho-hi It's time to now get high We'll take some shrooms and go to our rooms (ALL GASP) - There's something in our house.
- Let's put a pickax in its brain! You're in marketing.
Why do you even bring an ax? If you were in marketing, you'd know.
(ALL GASP) She's beautiful! Maybe she's been placed under some kind of a curse.
And all that will wake her is the kiss of a handsome I'm awake! I'm awake, already! (SIGHS) Guess it's you and me again, doorknob.
Goodbye! Now beware of the evil queen.
She's a master of disguise.
- She could be anyone.
- I'll be careful.
(LAUGHS) (BIRDS CHIRPING) No, no, no! That's too much! Go back outside! - Who are you? - Care for an apple? Okay.
I'll take a green one.
No! Take the red one.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Take a bite, deary.
(SCREAMING) (CACKLES) Uh-oh! You'll never take me alive! Ooh! Herbivores! I'm so scared! (SCREAMING) LISA: So Snow White slept and waited for her prince to come.
But he never did.
Because a woman shouldn't have to depend on a man.
Snow White was brought back to life by a lady doctor.
And she lived happily ever after? Well, she couldn't indulge in strenuous activities like handball, - but otherwise, she was fine.
- That's nice.
- Marge! I need some bribe money.
- Well, don't say it so loud.
- All I have are some dry-cleaning coupons.
- Deal.
Thanks, Marge.
But don't forget, there's still going to be a civil suit.
(SIGHS) Lisa, let me tell you the story of a great woman held back by a not-so-great husband.
Macbeth.
Out, damn spot! Out, I say! Marge, please.
If you don't like getting barbecue sauce out of a leotard, why did you get into show business? Think before you do.
I wouldn't be stuck washing costumes if my husband had a better role.
Well, I may be playing a tree, but at least I'm getting my face out there.
(GROANS) I thought I was marrying a man who could play Macbeth.
Hey, there's no way I could ever be as good as that guy.
Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires.
(MOANING) Mel's like the son Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud always wanted but never had.
But, oh, how they tried.
I think Mel would be happier as an understudy.
A six-feet-understudy.
You're not suggesting murder? Wouldst thou live a coward in thine own esteem letting "I dare not" wait upon "I would"? Whatever you say, sweetie.
(SNORING) Snore! Snore! (GRUNTING) Oh! A prop knife! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) Out, out, brief candle.
Life's but a walking shadow.
Why does everyone around here talk that crazy talk? That crazy talk is the work of the immortal bard, William Shakespeare.
Well, if you see him in heaven, tell him he sucks.
(GROANS) As you all know, this afternoon, the bone fell out of Mel's hair and beat him to death.
Let us observe a moment of silence.
Moment over.
Homer, you got the lead.
Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more: Um By Sinel's death I know I am thane of Glames.
Uh To-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow Today's Tuesday, so that would make it Friday, and then - Shakespeare! - You don't even know your lines.
Conrad Birdie? Coming here to Sweet Apple? That's Bye Bye, Birdie.
Damn it, Morpheus! Not everyone believes what you believe! That's the screenplay for The Matrix Reloaded.
D'oh! (ALL CHATTERING) I can't wait for the reviews! "Tonight the Springfield Community Playhouse "was bathed in the light of a brilliant new star - "Dr.
Hibbert as Banquo"? - Who the hell is Banquo? He's the one getting the good reviews! Which makes him the next one you've got to kill! Wouldn't it be easier if I just took acting lessons? Screw your courage to the sticking-place, and we'll not fail! That's inspiring! What's that from? X- Men 2? - Macbeth! - Macwho? (GROANS) (GAS HISSING) (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (DR.
HIBBERTLAUGHING) This number is for emergencies only.
(GROANS) He who laughs last laughs dead.
"In last night's Macbeth, "the best performance was Barney Gumble as Duncan, "followed by Duffman as Macduff, Lenny Leonard as Lennox, "Eddie and Lou as the two soldiers without lines, "then last, and least, the lead, Homer Simpson.
" Why do they write a new review of this play every single day? All I heard was more names of actors you haven't killed! - Unless you're not man enough! - No, dear.
I'm a man, dear.
(FESTIVE MUSIC PLA YING) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (ALL GROANING) (SINGING) Killing makes me hungry Eating makes me thirsty Drinking makes me sleepy Why did he have to kill everyone in their costumes? - It was you who killed us! You! - No! It was Homer! Your dark ambition guided his murderous hand! - No, I just encouraged him.
- Encouraged by withholding sex! Sex! (ALL WAILING) (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) Well, at least you can't nag me anymore.
That's where you're wrong.
Get out on that stage! (GRUNTS IN PAIN) Okay, Homer.
It's our last performance.
You're the only actor that's still alive, and there's nobody in the audience.
This is your moment.
I'll be in my office going over the books on my Subway Sandwich franchise.
You call a sandwich maker an artist, it's like an invitation to steal.
That guy's going nani-nooni-bananas in there.
It's my moment! To-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.
(APPLAUDING) Homie.
You were brilliant.
I knew you could do it.
I knew it.
Now nothing will stop you from taking on all of Shakespeare's greatest roles.
King Lear, Hamlet, Othello, Richard III, Henry IV, Part One, Henry IV, Part Two, Henry V, Titus Andronicus (GUNSHOT) Me having to read all those plays would be the real tragedy.
That's it.
Three stories.
That's all we always tell.
Looks like Maggie wants a story, too.
Ooh! (MARGE READING) Mom! Isn't that book the Bible of right-wing losers? Yeah.
But the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.
(GROWLS PLAYFULLY) So anyway, this is the story of Maggie Roarke, an architect who refused to compromise.
Now children, while I do traffic school online, you'll be playing with blocks.
MARGE: Maggie's genius and creativity far exceeded that of the others.
And I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother.
But her teacher, Mr.
Elsworth Toohey, wanted every child to conform.
Banal.
Very banal.
Wonderfully pedestrian.
This isn't right.
Maggie, dancers shouldn't kick too high, and buildings mustn't reach the sky.
(GRUNTS) There! Your rubble is still a little bit higher than the others, so let's just (GRUNTS) There.
Welcome to the real world, baby.
MARGE: He would not let Maggie's creativity flower.
Mediocrity rules! All right, Maggie.
Today is parent/teacher day, so I want everyone to see how uncreative and beaten down you've become.
That's right.
You're beaten down.
Yes, you are.
I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey.
If I were you, there'd be a lot of strangled babies.
Now let's see what your children have done, shall we? Don't brace yourselves.
You will believe your eyes.
(GASPS) You will be tried as a toddler! Babies and gentlemen of the jury.
(CRYING) This child's crime was to remind the rest of us that we are merely ordinary.
When a blade of grass rises above the others, do we applaud it? No! We cut it down! I recommend nine time-outs served consecutively.
(CLEARS THROAT) Throughout the ages, the finger painter, the Play-Doh sculptor, the Lincoln Logger, stood alone against the daycare teacher of her time.
She did not live to earn approval stickers.
She lived for herself, that she might achieve things that are the glory of all humanity.
These are my terms.
I do not care to play by any others.
And now, if the court will allow me, it's naptime.
(YAWNS) MARGE: Maggie grew up to be a world-famous architect.
Her building became one of the wonders of the world.
And on the very top floor was a daycare center, where every child was free to follow their dream.
Because nothing is (GASPS) Maggie, get away from there! Bad baby! Ho-hi Ho-hi, ho-hi It's time to say goodbye If Disney sues we'll claim their use Ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi Ho-hi, ho-hi, there's nothing we won't try We'll get take-out and then make out We're bi, we're bi, we're bi, we're bi English - US - SDH