The Simpsons s20e21 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons It's dark! (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Hey! (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (EX CLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (ALL SIGHING) (CHUCKLES) You've fallen right into my trap, just like you did in Africa.
Krusty, there you are.
We've got business to discuss.
First off, we got big problems with your talking home pregnancy tests.
Hey, hey! You're pregnant! And it's not mine! (LAUGHING) It's giving 20% false "Hey, hey's.
" Okay.
Repackage them as coffee stirrers and sell them in the Philippines.
Genius.
Now, another issue.
Studies show your Krusty Burger is the unhealthiest fast food item in the world.
- Worse than a Double Krusty Burger? - Somehow, yes.
Okay, here's what we do.
What's that food we never put in any of our meals? - Vegetables? - Yeah, those guys.
Find the cheapest one and make a burger out of it.
Then throw it in a green wrapper and double the price.
And say it's got none of those What are those unhealthy he/she-sounding things? - Trans fats? - That's it.
And while you're in there, spray a little nicotine juice on the kids meals.
(LAUGHING) Get them hooked.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up on The Drowningest Catch.
(ALL YELLING) - It was worth it to be on TV! - Put our dying screams in the promo! (BOTH SCREAMING) You know, kids, the real drowningest catch is man.
(MAJESTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) It's a new world out there.
People care about their health for some reason.
We know times have changed.
We at Krusty Burger want to take advantage of that.
Introducing the Mother Nature Burger! Made from 100% wheat-fed barley.
And now to take a yummy bite.
Mmm.
Tastes like a healthy future! We're going to Krusty Burger! Finally, a hamburger for the Hindus.
By the tusks of great Ganesh, now no one can tell I am not American.
(VOCALIZING) Look at me! I'm saving the Earth! Where's my Nobel Prize? (SNORING) (STOMACH RUMBLING) What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? Would some warm beer settle you down? Uh-oh.
Those barley burgers were tainted? Why did I eat twelve of them? Why? Taken! Occupied! Hurling! (MUFFLED GROANING) (RETCHING) (SAX OPHONE SOUNDS) (CHILDREN MOANING) SEYMOUR: Attention, students.
Due to the recent queasiness, both the Presidential Ab Crunch Challenge and the Sloppy Joe-a-thon have been canceled.
Skinner, if I die, I want you to take over - Really? the search committee for a new superintendent.
Just hold my head and say soothing things.
Third-grade math scores are holding steady.
Oh, yeah.
The food poisoning has been traced to a single ingredient, tainted barley.
And where does that barley come from? Our neighbor to the southeast, Ogdenville, the state's barley basket since it was settled 100 years ago by Norwegian immigrants.
I'm here with barley farmer Brendlif Jensen.
- Brendlif? - What happened is, a big old rat got caught up in the grinders there.
So my wife Dagne took a hose to it, and it's all cleaned out now.
So you're guaranteeing it's safe to eat Ogdenville barley once more? Well, where there's barley, there's rats, you know.
Now, when will you be starting the interview? That just went out live.
Well, then we're screwed.
Dad, are you sure you can put in these new rain gutters all by yourself? Yeah, maybe you're right.
I do have a bad history of going up on roofs and waking up in hospitals.
Perhaps we could be of help, don't you know? Ogdenvillians work on my house? Yeah.
Ever since the barley bust, the only work we can get is day labor.
We don't mind it.
Work is work.
I like your can-do attitude.
And your facial hair screams "rugged but reliable.
" - You won't regret this, sir.
- You hear that, Bart? He called me "sir.
" That means he knows I'm better than him.
Nicely done, guys.
Lemonade? A lemon version of barley-ade? When in Springfield Don't that glug down right good, then? - Oh, yeah.
Almost as good as barley-ade.
- Oh, yeah! You know, I'm glad you've come here to take all the jobs we don't want to do.
Can't have too much of a good thing.
MAN: You fellas, too! Come on! MAN 1: Oh, yeah! MAN 2: Be right there then.
So Inga, this is our kitchen.
Did you have kitchens back in Ogdenville? Ja.
Before the dark days fell on my people and we lost everything.
Great! So you know your way around a blender.
Okay.
So if the dog's in the house, don't let Grampa in, and vice versa.
Our neighbor Ned Flanders drops by unexpectedly - That I do.
but he doesn't stay long.
No, I don't.
Kids, this is Inga, your new nanny.
A nanny? Woo-hoo! Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast.
Oh, she's still here.
- Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast? - No way, mister.
It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.
Inga, I'll be happy to eat whatever you make.
Maggie, now you have a nanny.
Just like the ones Joe Piscopo and Ethan Hawke left their wives for.
But hands off my Homie.
"Hands off the Homie.
" Got it.
(WHIMPERS) Sorry.
Sometimes she's nervous around new people.
Actually, she's just gassy.
A little lingonberry oil under the tongue will clear it right up.
(EX CLAIMS HAPPILY) That's amazing! Now I feel bad about calling your references.
So Selma, how did you meet? I hired Thor Bjorn here to kill some moles in my garden, and, well, one thing led to another.
Ja.
She has the same beautiful face as my Great-Uncle Magnus when he lay in the coffin after his trolley accident.
Gee, this Ogdenville influx has been great for everybody.
Yeah.
Talk about taking jobs Springfield men don't want.
(LAUGHING) Hey, Homer.
Your blubber would light our lamps for a year.
- I zinged the oaf good? - You zinged the oaf great! Minnesota Vikings apparel? This is Tennessee Titans country! (EX CLAIMS IN NORWEGIAN) So many meters! (ALL EX CLAIM IN NORWEGIAN) Step aside, Norwads.
Watch how the natives ride sky.
(MOANS) Three hours and we still can't see a doctor? It's because it's filled with all these Norwads.
They even sneeze funny.
(SNEEZING STRANGELY) We're out of English forms.
You'll have to fill out a Norwegian one.
I can't read this sloopy-bloopy writing.
Typical foreigners, clogging up the system.
I hurt my back unclogging your septic system.
Sven, can you stop by tomorrow? It's clogged again.
(AGREEING IN NORWEGIAN) Come on, Bart.
We'll take care of you at home.
(SNEEZING STRANGELY) Oh, great.
I caught their cold.
Okay, Bart.
Now bite down on the rubber dog bone and (GRUNTING) (BARKS) - Thanks, Mom.
- Now how did this happen, again? It wasn't my fault, I swear.
A couple of barley jerks dared me to.
Yeah? Well, I'm starting to wonder if this town wasn't better off before all these immigrants showed up.
I'd just like to remind you that we were all immigrants at one time.
Well, you were a baby once.
Does that mean you still like milk and hugs? Yes.
I'd like both right now.
Hey, this is all right.
(HUMMING HAPPILY) Look at them barleyjacks celebrating another one of their stupid holidays.
Hey, I ain't got no problem with them.
They pay in cash, they keep it clean, and their mythology is rich and enchanting.
Yeah.
The redhead one said today's the day Woden gave the herring the greatest gift of all.
Its fishy taste.
Hey, Moe, what is that hoity-toity beer they're drinking? Oh, I don't sell beer no more.
I only serve Aquavit, the Norwegian caraway-scented liqueur.
Wait a minute! You're selling barleyjack booze? How could you, Moe? Hey, it's all about the King Haralds.
(MOE CHUCKLES GREEDILY) Well, since it's all you got, give me a mug of that Aquavit.
Better go slow there, friend.
That stuff'll open up a can of "Oh, my goodness" on you.
I think I can handle it.
(SLURRING) Hey! Where did that Homer guy go? (MUFFLED) More Aquavit, please.
(MOANING) (MUMBLING) - You're late! And drunk! - Shut up! - You lost your job? - Well, it's not my fault! Those Ogdenville guys plied me with their native liqueurs and liquors.
- But mostly liqueurs.
- Oh, poor Homie.
- And you with your alcoholism.
- Yeah.
(GAVEL BANGING) I propose that no Ogdenvillian be allowed within the city limits of Springfield.
I share your xylophobia.
Dad, you mean "xenophobia.
" "X ylophobia" would be a fear of xylophones.
I am afraid of xylophones.
It's the music you hear when skeletons are dancing.
Very well.
Springfield will ban immigrants and xylophones.
- All in favor say "aye.
" - ALL: Aye! The border is now closed.
You'll never take my xylophone! Notes, don't fail me now! (PLAYING TINKLING MUSIC) - There's one, Chief.
- Well, he's too far, Lou.
That's not fair.
- Hey, there's another! - He's on a bike, Lou.
- So? - So what am I? Superman? Well, there's one coming between your legs.
- Where? - There! Now! Right now! - Look between your legs! - I don't Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh No, he's too fast.
It's hopeless, Lou.
We can't handle this.
We need help patrolling the border.
I mean, Springfield only has three cops.
Yeah, and Eddie's laid up because of his gout.
(MOANS) Yep.
Eddie loves his lobster and port wine.
But it comes with a price.
Excuse me.
Do you have to pay to get in, or No, no, no.
It's free.
It's free.
Maybe we can ask private citizens to guard the border.
Yeah.
You know, vigilantes, who would agree to do our job for the adrenaline rush that comes from having a tiny taste of authority over your fellow man.
And all we're paying them is bullets and beer.
(LAUGHS) I almost made a big mistake! Men, our negative energy has been harnessed to help keep Springfield's border secure from Ogdenvillians.
But first, our group needs a name that evokes America's proud history of citizens rising up to defend our way of life.
The Klan? Well, there are no bad ideas, but let's keep trying.
- The Nazis! - Okay, you stop trying.
Hey, how about The Star-Spangled Goofballs? Goofballs it is! I'll float above the border and radio the location of illegals down to you.
My code name will be Screaming Eagle.
Yours will be Ground Losers.
- What a fun day.
- Oh, this is gonna be good.
Release the sandbags! Hey, why don't you let Carl and me try? Okay.
You guys get in as I get off.
(BOTH SCREAMING) This is Ground Loser, what's your position? Over.
(STUTTERING) Cold.
So very cold.
I'm sorry to say that this poorly conceived patrol carried out by a group of rank amateurs - has somehow been a failure! - Yeah, those barleyjacks are crafty.
One of them handcuffed me to this tree! Not a tree, Chief.
That's a street sign.
You just looped your belt around it when you were changing your pants.
Okay.
I'm hearing lots of problems but no solutions! This immigration problem is bigger than we thought.
We need a way to keep these people out of our community! What can we do to keep one group of people away from another group of people? Why you little I'll kill you! (ALL MURMURING IN EX CITEMENT) That's it! We'll build a fence! - Fence! Fence! Fence! Fence! - Fence! Fence! Fence! Fence! Homie, I don't think we should build a fence.
Haven't we always taught the children to make friends with those who are a little different? - Yes.
- Yeah.
(AGREES IN NORWEGIAN) (GASPS INCREDULOUSLY) (SPEAKING NORWEGIAN) - Maggie's first words are in Ogdenvillese! - Now do you see, Marge? Now do you see why we must build that fence? Build it, Homie! Make it as tall as the sky and deeper than hell! (SPEAKING NORWEGIAN) All right.
Who here knows how to build a wall? I know how to hire guys to build a wall.
- Such as? - The barleyjacks? Yeah, right.
Okay.
They can help us build the wall, because they're good at it.
But then those good-for-nothings have to go.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah, get them out of here! So my girlfriend puts all these pillows on the bed.
And you have to, like, take them all off at night and put them all back on every morning.
And if the little one is in back of the big one, God help you.
And they always want the cat to sleep in bed with you.
Exactly! I had trouble finding a four-button cardigan, so I bought a three-button one and sewed the extra button on myself.
This baby was a five-buttoner.
But I took a button off.
- Maybe we're not so different, Sven.
- Maybe so.
You know, if you put down an acrylic primer, your satiric drawing and its clever stink lines will be there long after your principal is gone.
Well, the guy at the store said it didn't matter, but I knew he was wrong.
Thanks, man.
Sure is quiet around here.
- Do you miss us? - We miss you.
That's why we build a door! Oh, we did miss you.
We missed your kindness, your hard work, your sweet, plainspoken ways.
What are you barleyjacks waiting for? Get in here! We'd be more than pleased to join you donut dunkers.
(ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTERING) (SIREN WAILS) All right, boys.
Round them up.
And throw them the swinging-est soiree they've ever seen! (SCANDINAVIAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) English - US - SDH