The Simpsons s21e01 Episode Script

Milhouse, watch me make a loser lose it.
Oh, customers, how I hate them.
Excuse me.
I just heard that before spider-man was a movie, It was a comic book-- is that possible? What the? suffering steve ditko! How can you not know that spider-man first appeared in 1962's classic Amazing fantasy #15?! Ooh, 12 cents! I'll take eight.
What the? You idiot! Mint condition copies are, like, $40,000 each! Must lie down On pile of unsold hulk hands.
Hulk smash.
Huh? What's this? "everyman"? He's not a hero from marvel, dc, Image or wildstorm.
"it was a typical day For delivery man avery mann until" Help! Bank robbers! Shut your yap.
Time for this average man to disappear.
Look at that fat guy-- beatin' it like an egg.
Yeah, he's scramblinin'' like an egg.
Egg.
Egg.
Laugh while you can.
Everyman absorbs the powers of every superhero Whose comic book he touches.
Power-absorption power Absorb! It's just a flyin' fatso-- keep robbin'.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
put me in sing-sing! It's safer! Perfect.
Plastic man powers-- absorb! Going somewhere? Everyman will stop every crime every time.
And I Am Everyman.
Put my comic down.
You made this?! Shut up.
No one is interested in the critical judgment of a worthless child Actually, I like it.
You what now? Everyman is awesome.
Reading it, I escaped from my troubles.
Now they're back in spades.
Have you shown this to anyone? No.
If copies got out, It would be ridiculed by the online community-- Sonofsonofspock, thedorkknight, and ikilledkenny6475.
Don't be afraid of them.
They're just lame-o's like yourself.
Two of them are me.
Very well.
I Shall Self-publish.
How many issues have you written? Oh, uh, just 335, including the controversial number 289, Featuring the death of marmaduke.
Comic book guy's been writing these for years.
Who knew a troubled person could be creative? Yeah, still waters run deep.
I'm so rich.
All right, what's our next big summer franchise? Come on.
You want an original idea? Yes.
Let your imaginations run free.
Something that's never been a movie before, But feels like it has.
Extension cords.
Mixed nuts.
Car keys.
Eh, we've already made everything That could possibly be a movie into a great movie.
There's nothin' left.
Dad, can we go? I've watched all the dvds in the bentley.
Jonah, what's that in your hand? Oh, big surprise that you don't know what this is.
It's only everyman, the coolest comic book ever.
What are his powers? All of them.
That's it.
Our next big summer movie will be everyman.
Uh, marv? Ginormous pictures bought the rights To everyman three weeks ago.
Damn it! We at ginormous pictures are incredible fans And think everyman would make a fantastic movie.
Oh really? The way you thought "stratego" would make a good movie? You'd expect us to believe That a red scout would date a blue general? Hey, don't blame us-- brett ratner had final cut.
I'm well aware of who had what cut.
Let me get to the point: It is not money I am after, or women-- I know that is impossible.
What I want is to pick the actor who will play everyman.
No can do.
Thank you.
But we never give Thank you.
They'll laugh us out of hollywood.
Thank you.
fine.
You got it.
Thank you.
I played hardball with hollywood.
The closest I will ever come to playing a sport in my life.
"wherever there's a crime to be solved, "I will be there to solve It.
" And there's more, but my fax machine ran out of ink, so I can't read it.
Do you know where you can buy ink for an amiga brand fax machine? Thank you, that was great.
You want to see it any other way? Like sad Or brooklyn, or richard nixon voice? Pass.
But I already bought a boat with the money you were gonna pay me.
Come on, comic book guy, you've gotta pick someone.
We've already read three people.
Don't you latté-sipping leeches understand? I've seen enough of these hollywood super-hunks.
We need a dumpy, unappealing loser.
-- an everyman Can you help me out? I need change for a dollar.
Oh, I also need a dollar.
You Are Acceptable.
Great.
Do you want to see me naked? Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
What movie? Let's go around the table, and everybody say One amazing thing that happened to them today.
Lisa? Well, I qualified for the national math bee-- Great.
Marge, go.
Guess who the garden club Elected president? You? Awesome.
Next.
No.
I lost.
Eh, they can go to hell.
Bart? Dr.
Hibbert found out my thyroid isn't pumping out enough-- Time's up.
Okay, maggie: "suck, suck"-- that takes us to Me.
Some hollywood idiots hired me to star in a movie.
Homer, we have a problem.
Fine.
I'll give back the oscars I stole from the lobby.
Do you want the golden globe? No! No But we have a bigger problem.
Homer, my brother and I showed this picture of you To a cross-section of typical moviegoers.
Not one thought you looked like a superhero.
Several people stared at the sun, Attempting to blind themselves.
Against every animal instinct they had.
We need you to slim down, muscle up and become the everyman People want to be instead of the one they actually are.
I don't know if I can.
I'm a yo-yo dieter: "yo, hot dog man.
Yo, peanuts.
" Why aren't you laughing? Don't you know what "yo" means? Maybe I can help.
Lyle mccarthy.
Finally, the answer to my problem.
What do you do? He's the trainer to the stars.
Here's what brad and angelina looked like before they met me.
They look good with a little meat on their bones.
Come with me.
Take my hand, homer, And wave good-bye to fat you.
Good-bye, fat me.
You sure that guy who created everyman's gonna like this? Him? He's gone hollywood.
A lot of people have come to this town and changed, But not me.
Now excuse me, I have to read a story To my adopted cambodian orphan.
Nannies, produce the child and the story.
Hello, prius-- give daddy a kiss.
Homer, do you know why you eat? Because I'm swallowing my frustrations and disappointments? Something bad happens and you cope by cramming a donut in your mouth.
Yeah, well, you don't always have time to I'm gonna teach you Healthy emotional alternatives to eating.
We don't have much time, So we'll do it in a montage to the song "eye of the tiger.
" Oh, that song's a little on the nose.
Can we do it to david bowie's "heroes"? Eh, it's your montage.
Whew This montage sounds really exhausting.
How about I just do a walking around sad montage? No.
A montage of me turning a ragtag little league team into state runners-up? No.
Me using funny modes of transportation Like a hot air balloon and a camel, And finally a pickup truck full of chickens? Then I get out of the truck and go to thank the driver, But then I see the driver is a chicken? Let's just skip ahead a month.
And Fit.
I gotta take this.
Tobey! Cider house rules! Total wuss.
Seabiscuit, you keeping off the sugar cubes? I hate this guy.
I love this guy! Tobe, tobe, tobe, we talked about this.
If the rice ain't brown, don't chow down.
Look, I gotta bail-- I'm with everyman right now.
No, no, no, no, no, don't worry.
He totally sucks.
I'm only lying to him.
Good-bye! Bad-bye.
Was that tobey maguire? Hey, home town buffet, like I told john travolta, my client list is private.
You know what? Enough chitchat.
Hit the pole! Stripper upFireman down.
And sexy.
Heroic! Earn that money.
Found this on the roof.
Well, I think we've seen the last of the purple pariah.
Thanks, everyman.
Don't thank me.
Thank captain america For giving me the patriotism to want to save the president's life.
And thank wonder woman for giving me the boobs to distract the guards.
And Cut.
What'd you think, kids? That was awesome! Although there were a few holes in the story.
That's the problem when you have 17 writers.
But don't worry, we have two fresh ones working on it.
Ooh, homie, take your shirt off again.
Oh! There's less of you to love, But I love you even more! Aah! What was that? Your other hand.
Cut! Terrific.
Bring in the next helicopter.
Awesome performance, homer.
I smell oscar.
Oscar, take a shower, or a tomato bath or something.
Please! This life is the greatest-- I get paid a fortune, I've got a closet full of free sneakers and watches, And I get to hire my friends.
At least you get to see my face-- unlike carl.
I'm being paid to do what I love! A lot of things come and go in life, But not fame and fitness.
Homer! Homer sapian, can I have a word with you? I know this is a bad time, but but I'm leaving for another gig.
Is that all this temporary job was to you, a gig? Don't take it personally, home team.
But how will I keep from overeating? Just remember what I taught you.
But you taught me the only people who can stay thin Are those who can afford $5,000-a-week nutritional consultants! I've taught you well.
Good-bye.
He's gone.
One cheese cube couldn't hurt.
Ooh! This other cheese cube stuck to the first one.
Well, that still technically counts as one.
Mm, it's bad luck to eat an uneven number of cheese cubes.
Don't look at me! Don't look at me! You, you watch.
Avery, I swear, you're the only man in gothamopolis Who's never seen everyman.
Well, one thing's for sure: I'm not everyman.
cut! This is a disaster.
I'm getting a bad feeling about this film.
The star's overweight, we're way over budget, And the grasshopperaptor we built Seems to have developed an evil mind of its own.
Oh, marge, I'm ready for some lovin'.
Come and get me! Marge! Speak to me! I think you may have put on a little weight.
Nag, nag, nag! Apu, I have to lose weight now.
Do you have anything that'll make me vomit? Well, I don't know, I Might have some milk that has expired.
Ah, here we are.
A delightful buttermilk from 1961.
Oh, '61-- everyone was twisting again like they did the previous summer.
Whatever you do, do not chew the chunks.
Uh-oh.
Cleanup in aisles in three, Two, one And Action! Ugh.
What? Cut.
Where's homer? In his trailer.
He won't come out? He can't come out.
This film is an embarrassment of jar-jarrian magnitude! As the writer, I demand to express my opinion.
Ooh, I'm afraid that's not gonna happen.
I see.
Well, I respect that And vulcan death Hollywood ponytail yank! My only sin was believing in george clooney! How you doing, man? Ooh, I think we have a clunker here.
And I should know-- I produced bad summer movie, The parody of bad summer movies that was itself a bad summer movie.
Don't worry, we fixed everything with editing.
Editing solves everything-- except my problems with the irs.
Yeah, how's that going? Everyman Show your-ssself.
I'm right here.
I've been here all along.
Half the shots he's fat, half the shots he's thin--It's taking me out of the moment.
Like when you're kissing a girl, and she burps.
Who was in charge of continuity on this picture? I tried to show them the polaroids-- they wouldn't look.
It's your job to get their attention.
Nobody takes responsibility anymore.
Well, I-I just wanted to get back into the business after I had my kids.
Yeah, well, now those kids have an embarrassment for a mother.
Home boy.
What happened, dude? You went from everyman to everywhereman.
What happened is, you left! Who did you leave me for? Tell me-- I can take it.
Okay! It was turtle from entourage.
I knew it! Come on, home run.
It's okay, home alone.
Look, I'm sorry.
Let me make this up to you-- I'll train you, Then leave you again, then come back and train you.
It's how I make my money.
Just you and me? You, me and turtle.
That could work.
He is a great guy.
He's an awful guy.
You just said both those things to me.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry.
Look, comic book guy, about the movie, We know it's not great.
Yeah, the projectionist hung himself at the final reel.
But you created everyman--your fans will think whatever you tell 'em.
If you put the word out that this movie is good, We'll let you direct the sequel.
You would let me direct Everyman 2: Rise of the revenge? Absolutely! All you have to do Is tell your army of internet dweebs to go see this movie.
Hmm, sell my soul for hollywood lucre, Or stay true to my lofty ideals.
Everyman, the motion picture, Is the combination of a life-long dream, And I was one of the few who saw that dream realized on screen last night.
If there is one fault to find with this $200 million production, It is that this is the worst movie ever! And send! And sip.
Though legislation was passed to ensure everyman was never seen on screens again He remains in the hearts of every man, woman and child Looking for justice, or just hoping to see bad people beaten up.
I'm so cold.