The Simpsons s21e02 Episode Script

(yells) (school bell ringing) (belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (alarm ringing) Every day she takes a morning bath She wets her hair Wraps a towel around her as she's heading For the bedroom chair It's just another day Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes (gargling) This will be a good day.
This will be a good day.
This will be a good day.
And five, and six oh, yeah! At the office where the papers grow Your man is going to love those sexy new abs.
Drinks another coffee and she finds it hard To stay awake (groans) It's just another day Do-do-do-do do-do-do It's just another day Do-do-do-do do-do (singing along): * It's just another day.
* (laughs) Check it out.
That crazy lady's singing a million-year-old song.
(school bell ringing) (sighs) Okay, Edna, remember: if you can teach one kid one thing, then today will be a success.
(electronic beeps and blips) Now, class class.
Class, please pay attention! Text "Uncle".
Text "Uncle".
(ring tones and electronic noise grow louder) (cacophonous noise) You're children.
Why do you all need cell phones? Safety.
Emergencies.
Safety.
Educational.
(sighs) Could you at least set them to vibrate? (loud vibrating) (vibrating grows louder) That's it: everything in the box.
No more gizmos in this class.
They're all going in the drawer with the biology frogs.
(croaking) (lock clicking) (students groaning) Okay.
We'll call your bluff.
Teach us-- using only the knowledge in your own head.
Hey, don't worry.
We still have the good old classroom computer.
Who wants to play Word Jammers? (loudly booting up) My stroked-out grandfather has more memory than that thing.
How is he doing? Better.
Thanks.
(muttering angrily) How could Krabappel take my cell phone? I'm only on month one of a 60-month plan.
You know, Krabappel just needs to chill out and realize life is cool-- but how? (Homer giggling) (drunkenly): Okay.
Now I'll be the dog, and you be the daddy.
(barks) (Santa's Little Helper barking) Hmm.
You know, my dad is a lot more fun after a few beers.
Maybe Mrs.
K would be nicer if we "Irish up" her coffee.
Put blood in it? No, booze.
First the easy part.
Kids, get some liquor.
(Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays) Hurry! She's almost done flirting with the vending machine guy.
(laughing) What if she tastes the booze? Relax.
Hazelnut creamer covers all sins.
(slurping) Ah.
And that's why I found Good Night, Gorilla to be the perfect summer beach read.
Two stars for you.
And an extra, 'cause you're going to have a hard life.
This old man, he played one He played knickknack on my (hiccups) thumb.
You look tired.
Maybe you need some more coffee.
Ah.
(giggling drunkenly) Dizzy.
(students giggling) You'll be going back to Denmark Spain and Uruguay And we promise that we'll write you But you know that that's a lie Hey! You know why they call it a choir.
Because "choir" we listening to this crap? (grunts) These pantyhose are all twisted up.
Edna, please! Even the union can't protect you from this.
Give me one night, Dewey.
I'll get you off Broadway.
Never! Edna, let's go.
Uh-oh.
Do you think we went too far? Nah.
Booze only makes you do things you already wanted to do.
I'm queen of the world! Oh! (crashing) (Krabappel groans) I'm so sorry.
I really don't know what happened.
You made quite a nanny goat of yourself yesterday.
I know I did, but I don't know why.
(sighs) This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm letting you go.
Seymour I'm going to cry.
Here.
Take my hanky.
I'm working on my magic act for the Faculty Follies.
But right now, I don't feel much like follying.
Could I have a moment alone? Of course.
There's a form to extend your health insurance on my desk.
I never wanted her to get fired.
I bet it was that hamster medicine we added that put her over the edge.
Maybe I should tell Skinner that it was our Needle scratch! My name is Zachary Vaughn.
I just got my masters in education from Tufts University, and you are my first class ever.
An M.
E.
D.
from Tufts? Nice.
But why talk when I could text? Our cell phones! Our Blueteeth! My tip calculator! (electronic tones sounding) STUDENTS: Whoa! That text was totally worth the 15 cents it cost to receive it.
BART: Then, Zach Skyped us, live-blogged our spelling bee and friended us on Facebook.
I thought you were studying the Lincoln-Douglas debates.
You mean the L Man/D Dog flame wars.
(groans) I'm glad you've got such a stimulating substitute, but I'm worried about Mrs.
Krabappel.
Oh, no worries.
I heard on the four-square court she's doing great.
No one even plays four-square anymore.
They just gossip.
Ah All right.
Who can tell me what the Monroe Doctrine was? Oh, oh! The policy of President Monroe that America has the right as a nation to Wait, wait, wait.
Are you telling me you memorized that fact when anyone with a cell phone can find it out in 30 seconds? I-I I've crammed my head full of garbage! Yes, you have.
What are these? Those are smiley stickers.
Mrs.
Krabappel used to put them on our papers as a reward for good work.
I run a paperless classroom.
Check this out.
But this is just nonsense punctuation.
Oh, my God! Anybody want to return these caveman kudos to Mrs.
Krabappel? Uh, sure.
It's sort of on my way home.
I can check up on the old girl.
She probably landed a job at some fancy-schmancy prep school.
Make way for the new freshman.
Where do I find the books, the booze and the broads? Hey, Dean, how about a little privacy? I've got to matriculate.
(laughs halfheartedly) (doorbell rings) Door's broken.
Mrs.
K, is everything all right? Sure.
(coughs) Never better.
(hacking) I know, Bart.
It's pretty sad to see your teacher fallen so low.
(laughing) It's the movie.
It's so funny.
Sir, this is a benefit to increase our endowment.
Honey, if we increase your endowment any more, we'll all be in the shade.
Hey, you're all right.
Hey, everyone, dessert's on me.
(chuckles) (laughing) Sorry, sorry.
Thanks for bringing over the smiley stickers, Bart.
They really liven the place the up Mrs.
K, you've got to get out of here.
When was the last time you washed your hair? Hmm.
Two weeks ago? Well, that's better than me, but still, you've got to get out.
What's the point? Out of work, I'm out of money.
No man wants me, except Disco Stu.
Stu is about more than just disco.
I'm also-- ha! -- super Christian! Okay, look, there's a big football game on tonight, so we can get this thing over real quick.
Show me some of Bart's artwork, give me a little false hope, and here's a little something to help with his grades.
I'm not asking for A's, just incompletes.
Mr.
Simpson, I don't need your money.
Bart can definitely be a challenge, but, yeah, I like challenges, and he (laughing): he's got a wild sense of humor.
Look at this picture he drew.
(laughs) It will be his last birthday if he keeps drawing pictures like this.
What? I said, are there any areas that we, his parents, can improve upon? Yes.
Just one: relax.
You're clearly a caring father.
(crying) You're the first teacher that ever got me.
(crying) Let it out.
Let it out.
(sobbing) (loud sobbing) (very loud sobbing) Keep it in.
Keep it in.
(very loud sobbing) Two hot chocolates with hot fudge boost.
Milhouse (sighs) we ruined Edna's life.
Maybe we can get her job back.
But we can't lose Zack.
Look at the awesome video he just e-mailed me.
Check out the multiples of seven, y'all.
There's got to be some other way to help Mrs.
K.
Maybe we can find an answer in this bookstore.
Bookstores don't have answers.
They just have creepy guys sitting in easy chairs at the end of aisle ways.
I ain't paid for Doris Kearns Goodwin in my life, and I ain't gonna start now.
Oh, that's some good Doris there.
You're right.
I guess no one's ever written a book to help a middle-aged woman turn her life around.
Excuse me.
I believe you boys are looking for The Answer.
What's The Answer? Only the best-selling book, slash, DVD since the bible.
WOMAN (with Australian accent): My life was over.
I'd lost my job, my husband left me.
I had to sleep in a kangaroo's pouch.
And then I found The Answer.
("O Fortuna" from Carmina Burana plays) The Answer was discovered by the philosophers of ancient Greece, who hid it under a rock where it was discovered by the knights of King Arthur, who placed it in a bottle and set it in the ocean, where it was found by Pat Sajak.
These great men knew The Answer.
The Answer is the secret to achieving your heart's desire.
Learn The Answer, and change your life.
ANNOUNCER: Available wherever dubious, quasi-scientific self-help books are sold.
So, um, you're wearing the same bathrobe you were the last time I was here, huh? That's cool.
Bart, you're a good kid.
You're the only one who came to see me.
Well, Mrs.
K, I have just the book, slash, DVD for you-- The Answer.
"This book uses the ancient power of wanting.
" That makes absolutely no sense.
Hey.
"Just because we don't understand electricity, doesn't mean we can't enjoy its benefits.
" But we do understand electricity.
Every positively charged nucleus is Cut it out.
You're not a teacher anymore.
Way to cheer me up, kid.
(coughing) Look, Mrs.
K, I'm a Simpson, and a Simpson never gives up until he's tried at least one easy thing.
Let me help you.
Aw.
So, did you write your dream on the "index card of fate"? Yes, but it still seems stupid.
reading: Great idea! Now, let's see.
"Break your dream down into smaller wishes, then break those down into wish-able actions.
" Bart, this is starting to sound like one of those loony self-help books.
Loony? Would a loony self-help book come with a magic question mark inside? Huh? Huh? Huh? All thanks to The Answer! Well, opening this store was a lot of work, but your faith in me got me through it.
And it looks like you got your own index card of fate.
What's your dream? Nothing, nothing.
Well, I'm sure it'll come true.
(humming) One cran-bran for the Flan-man.
My pleasure.
What did he want? Beats me.
I just gave him a banana.
Well, thanks again, Bart.
This store has definitely turned my life around.
Yup.
I'm off the hook now.
What do you mean by that? Well, I guess I can tell you, 'cause everything worked out for the best.
Everything? What everything? (laughs) Well, it's funny, really.
I'm the one who put booze in your coffee and got you fired.
(laughs) You did what?! Please don't kill me.
You ruined my life! It's your fault I have to work at this stupid muffin store.
But this place was your dream! My real dream was to be a teacher, and you got me fired! Now I'm up to my eyeballs in debt with this stupid store, and four more muffin stores just opened on this block! No! But-But-But you found The Answer! No! I wrote a phone number in there! No matter what you've done, I always thought there was a spark of decency in you, Bart Simpson, but I was wrong.
I never thought I'd say this to a child, but you are bad on the inside.
(gasps) (humming) Dad, am I bad on the inside? No but the layers of bad on your surface go almost all the way to the center.
But you think there's, like, a kernel of good inside me, right? Hmm.
I don't know.
Kernels are kind of big.
Oh! Listen, I was thinking.
If someone did a really bad thing to one teacher, and then did the same bad thing to another teacher to get the first teacher her job back, would it be okay? When you say teacher, do you really mean parent? No, I mean teacher.
Great.
Go nuts.
But remember, we never had this discussion.
What discussion? The one we just had about you doing bad things, you stupid kid! Oh.
So, you see, it was my fault.
I got Mrs.
Krabappel drunk.
Then I was gonna do the same thing to Zack, but I decided it was better to just tell the truth.
Bart, you deserve a reward for telling the truth.
And that reward will be in the form of a severe punishment.
Doesn't matter, as long as Edna gets her job back.
Sorry, Bart, but I can't just get rid of a teacher if he's doing a good job.
Or an adequate job.
Or just shows up and doesn't touch anyone.
ZACK (chanting): I hate children! I hate children! Children suck! Children suck! What the? Faculty lounge talk out in the halls?! I hate children! I hate children! You and you and you and you and you! (slurring his speech): You are wasting your lives.
Hilary Swank didn't graduate high school.
She won two Oscars.
And one of them she deserved.
Bart, you said you didn't get him drunk.
I didn't.
I swear! No, he's right.
I mixed a little vodka in with my Blue Bronco.
Does anybody else want to ride the indigo pony! Is there extra credit in it? Oh, they're gonna eat you alive at Cal Tech, boy.
Alive! (laughs) Oh! Oh, yeah! This place is a prison! Dow, dow All you kids are screwed! Dow, dow Kids and vodka! Yeow! (laughing) It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
Get off me! You can get rid of me, but you can't get rid of the truth, man! This school is a glorified hamster wheel run by incompetent bureaucrats who can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life! Children, fingers in your ears and make the la-la sound.
La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la Every class is a joke.
English-- a joke, homeroom-- a joke.
Free period-- a joke.
Nutritious lunch-- a joke! Only alcohol can make life bearable.
You must drink! Always drink! Well, class, I've got to say I'm glad to be back.
And there's no hard feelings? Nope.
Now, everyone enjoy one of my yummy muffins.
But it's stale.
Eat the muffin.
WOMAN: A simple schoolteacher found fulfillment and muffin-based revenge all thanks to The Answer.
("O Fortuna" from Carmina Burana plays)