Top Gear (2002) s21e03 Episode Script
Ukraine Road Trip
Tonight, I eat a cabbage, James throws a bird out of a car and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.
USB.
Hello, everybody! Good evening.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.
Now, I want to start by talking about Denmark because, you see, over the years, this tiny little country has contributed so much to the betterment of mankind.
It's given us interesting furniture, stylish hi-fi, amusing children's toys and, of course, this.
Danish bacon, Danish butter, wrapped in bread, to create the only known cure for vegetarianism.
Denmark, however, has never made a car until now.
Because Denmark has more windmills per head than any other country on Earth and because Copenhagen is a cyclist's paradise, you know exactly what sort of car it's going to be.
Yeah, well, it isn't.
I was also expecting Hans Christian Andersen with windscreen wipers or The Little Mermaid with door handles, but no.
What we've got instead is this.
A 1,086 horsepower orange monster! It's called the Zenvo ST1 and it is extremely fast.
It's got a 6.
8 litre V8 .
.
which is supercharged AND turbocharged.
And that's like smearing a habanero chilli with wasabi and then garnishing it with dynamite.
The net result is a speedometer that can't keep up.
It's just a blur.
My God! No, no idea! Apparently, however, flat out, it will do 233mph.
You know those Scandinavian crime dramas, lots of quietly thoughtful people in jumpers looking out of the window? This is nothing like that.
Nothing at all.
So, it is very definitely a supercar.
And that's a problem because who's going to say, "No, I don't want a Ferrari "or a Lamborghini or a Pagani or a Bugatti "or a Porsche or an Audi R8 or a McLaren or an Aston Martin "I would rather spend my money on something totally unproven, "preferably from a company I've never heard of?" I mean, why would you do that? It's not like the engine is made from the tears of an angel by the gods of science and precision.
What's more, it has conventional suspension and a heavy, steel chassis.
However, because it's a bit last-week, you can have some old-fashioned fun in the corners.
Oh-ho-ho! 'But you can also have an accident.
' Part of the problem is that if you engage sport or race mode, the traction control is disengaged.
Now, this, according to the - oops - chief engineer, makes it pretty much undrivable He's right.
He is right.
There were also some issues with quality.
The lights filled with condensation, the rear brakes didn't seem to be working properly, then the clutch went.
So the car had to go back to Denmark.
After a couple of weeks, however, it was mended, so the Zenvo came back.
But almost immediately a cooling fan went wrong.
Fire, fire, fire! Copy that.
So the car became even more orange.
And that was the end of that.
That didn't do very well.
How much is this thing? How much? Mm.
£800,000.
800?! Yes.
Are there any upsides to it? Er, upsides, yes.
The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights.
Apart from the fire? Apart from the fire Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.
Well, it would be quiet.
It was broken.
Yes, but amazingly, they have mended it again and it's back again.
And now we can find out how fast it does a lap of our track, or rather IF it can do a lap of our track.
That, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex.
And that on a recent trip to Cornwall, he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset.
All we know is he's called The Stig! And he's off! Cautious start because it is soaking out there today.
Be beautiful, though, if it catches fire.
Right, first corner.
Will it try to bite him? Nothing so far.
Oh, no, wait, there is a bit of a nibble at the end.
Absolutely no idea what The Stig is listening to.
I do know, however, he is in full race mode.
No traction control He is being cautious, though.
Right, through the Hammerhead.
Oh, no, it's stepped out again, but he has managed to hold it.
God, that is very good driving! Right, is he going to lift? Oh, yes, he is going to lift because that thing is as racy as the Danish Prime Minister.
Through the tyres.
Only two corners left.
You can actually see it squirming on the lake where our track used to be.
Only Gambon left before he can have a lie down.
Is he going to make it? Is IT going to make it? Yes, it has! Now I have the time here.
Remember, it is an £800,000 Ohhh No, it's a bit lower.
Really? Ohhh Oh-ho! There you go, it's 1.
29.
9, slower than a Ford Focus.
No, no, hang on a minute.
I'm sorry.
Hang on a minute.
Let's be fair about it.
We need to look at another time for a wet lap.
There you go.
It's slower than a German saloon car.
It is! You know this is Danish and it s orange and it's genetically flawed? I'm surprised they haven't called The Giraffe .
.
and shot it.
He said that out loud, didn't he? He did.
He said it out loud.
Never mind, let's move on with the news and, well, my big news this week, certainly is I spent last weekend driving the new Porsche 918.
Oh, you did! It'll be on the show later in the series.
There it is.
Come on, quick, quick, now, sneak preview.
What is it like? Well, Jennifer Funny! Yeah, if you were watching last week, Jeremy did say on the show, on TV, that if the Porsche was faster than the McLaren, he would change his name to Jennifer.
Yes.
Didn't you, Jennifer? Well, it won't be.
See, I think it might just be.
Honestly, it It's staggering Really.
It doesn't accelerate like most other cars.
You are not conscious of it gaining speed through the gear as the revs rise.
It doesn't go, "Ohhh-aaahhh!" It just goes straight to, "Aaaaargh!" But, Hammond What? .
.
the McLaren has more power than the Porsche and is lighter than the Porsche I know.
But listen, Jennifer, the Porsche has four-wheel-drive and four-wheel steer and on our track It will lose.
Listen, I'm sure the Luftwaffe were very proud and pleased with the Messerschmitt Me 109.
That was a damn good aeroplane.
Yes, but it wasn't It wasn't as good as the Spitfire! No, you could do negative G in the Messerschmitt 109.
May, you are as bad as he is! That is going to be humiliated.
We are going to win.
When I say we, Britain is going to I'm all for patriotism, that's great, but you've just got to face facts.
The thing is astonishing.
It's about how it manages those three engines Shut up about it! I'm with you about the British thing, but I sort of hope the Porsche wins, JENNIFER.
The news has been filled with a lot of scenes of flood victims all waving their arms around and going, "Oh, no, what are we going to do?" End of the world really.
I mean, it certainly makes me very sad because the answer, as we all know, is simple.
You buy a Ford transit van, cut a big hole in the floor, take the back doors off, couple of engines in it, fans, skirts, put it in the water, it sinks.
That's true.
You get another transit van, more powerful engines, totally redesigned.
Here we go.
And it works perfectly.
That IS the solution.
We predicted these floods six months ago and came up with the solution.
But what is really annoying is that everybody is blaming the floods on David Cameron, the Environment Agency pretty much anything you can name Mm-mm, I know exactly who is to blame for this problem everybody is having.
Miranda Hart.
You laugh, but here's the thing We are sitting here now on a Sunday evening.
Eight, nine million people in Britain have chosen to watch some 1950s midwifery on the other side, so they don't know about the hover-van.
That is the problem.
They have chosen Miranda over us and our show is rammed full of helpful hints and useful consumer advice.
Every week! Now, hey, listen, how long has the Gallardo been in production I know there are cave drawings of it in the Pyrenees.
There are.
Well, Lamborghini has announced they are stopping making it and are going to replace it with this.
It's called the Huracan.
four-wheel-drive.
None of that is interesting because if you're interested in speed and power and handling, you're going to buy a Ferrari 458 or a McLaren 12C, aren't you? The only reason you want to buy a Lamborghini is because it looks mad.
And that's very nice, but I don t think it's bonkers enough.
I know what you mean.
It looks nice, but Yeah, it needs to be outrageous It does.
Nobody should be allowed to design a Lamborghini unless they've just consumed two bottles of absinthe.
Now you're ready! The essence of it is, it doesn't really matter how a Lamborghini drives because a Lamborghini is for prowling around the city Ferraris are for doing a 2.
35 around Silverstone.
Lamborghinis are for doing Knightsbridge at 2.
35am.
Yes, yes.
Now, there's a new type of gas which is worrying the government.
Is it cyanide? No.
Is it carbon dioxide? No, it used to be carbon dioxide.
Now the days where I can hardly bring myself to say this.
They are very worried about a terrifying new combination of nitrogen and oxygen.
What, you mean air? Yes.
is nitrogen and oxygen, but the government has got his knickers in a twist about it, specifically about nitrogen dioxide and I've done some checking.
Bear with me on this.
It mostly comes from soil or stoves or particularly from lorries in stop-start city driving, OK? So the government has decided to address the problem by limiting cars to 60mph on the M1 just outside Sheffield.
That's their solution.
But that's got nothing to do with it! Isn't that like saying, "I've got toothache, "I think I'll go and have a hair cut.
That will sort it.
" "Doctor, I've twisted my ankle.
"You must put on a bomber jacket" The thing is, they actually say "Well, it's as European law, "so we have to lower the speed limit.
" Germans aren't, French aren't, Italians aren't, only we are.
And I know exactly what's happened here.
You've got some guy in the government, you know You know the type.
Oh, yes, right.
OK, now, he has the power to lower the speed limit and stop parents eating sandwiches in cars if kids are present, but what he needs to do is take a leaf out of the Queen's book.
What, marry a Greek? No! The Queen has the constitutional power to declare war on another country, but she never does.
Even after a big party where she's a bit and all her mates are egging her on.
"Go on, Liz! Declare war on someone!" Can she really do that? Yes, she can do that, but she doesn't.
"Hello is that Mr Hollande? "This is the Queen.
WE ARE AT WAR!" I'd do that every week! She could do that.
I'd be constant I'd do it every "Oh, God, what have I done?" Yeah, I would love to be a drunk Queen! I didn't mean Shall we move it on? Yes.
Yes.
Every week, we receive thousands of letters from people that say "Dear Top so-called Gear, why do you never test the sort of "affordable cars that normal people are likely to buy and drive?" Well, the truth is, we would love to.
But the producers won't let us.
It's frustrating, because contrary to public opinion, we really do like small, sensible little cars.
I mean, he has a Fiat Panda.
I have a Fiat 500.
Yeah, and I have a very small AMG Mercedes.
Very small indeed.
We like the way that small cars are easy to park and cheap to run, but, most of all, we like the way that a lot of them are very good fun to drive.
But the producers say they aren t, they say they're boring.
And to prove their point, they came up with a challenge.
Yes, they told us to choose three one-litre, three-cylinder, little city cars and report with them to the Crimean peninsula.
So, here it is, at the bottom end of Ukraine, jutting out into the Black Sea.
The Crimean peninsula, 10,000 square miles of history, beetroot and girls who leave the West behind.
And this is where we were to meet, the city of Yalta.
Outside the very building where Churchill, Stalin and Roosevelt met to carve up Europe after Hitler's defeat.
Hammond was the first to arrive I have brought, as you can see, a Fiesta.
Which is a very, very good small car in any case, but in this instance, particularly good, because this one is fitted with an absolute jewel of an engine.
It's a tiny, one-litre, three-cylinder EcoBoost, and when I say tiny, I mean REALLY tiny.
The block of that engine would fit on an A4 piece of paper.
And it's magnificent.
Right, who's that? Oh, it's the orang-utan.
Here we go.
Congratulations.
What, why? Because that is unquestionably the best one-litre little car of them all.
No doubt about it.
The engine in this Yeah.
It is phenomenal.
125 horsepower, from one litre.
I know! And 65 miles to the gallon.
Honestly Why are you saying these things and why, then, are you not in one? Why are you in that VW? It's the Up! Well, I brought this because I like it.
Hang on, you've just .
.
No, I like it.
This is brilliant.
But I like this.
Let me put it to you this way.
You can buy better dogs than my West Highland terrier, but I LIKE my West Highland terrier.
Yes, it bites the postman and it lays dog eggs all over the kitchen and it steals food but it's brilliant! And it goes .
.
If this had ears, it would go like that 'Sadly, at this point, my dog impersonation was 'interrupted by the arrival of Captain Interesting.
' That's the most boring looking car I've What is it? I'm nodding off! Good news! What? It's a Dacia Sandero.
Is it? Yes.
Anyway, we were just saying before you got here, this is just an epic little car It's quite expensive, though, isn't it? How much is it? 17,50.
£17,500? Yup.
And how much is yours? 7,500.
That's a big price gulf, Hammond.
It is I can afford to lose this and just go and buy another one and I'm still better off than you.
Look at it! It's It looks great.
It's anti-fashion, it's a car for people with more sense than money.
It works, it's cheap.
Wow, how have they done it so cheaply? You can't work it out, can you? There is no obvious It's amazing! That steering wheel, what a quality item! That's exactly the same as yours! It isn't the same! It's the same SHAPE.
And correct me if I'm wrong, it was a Renault Clio 30 years ago.
Not 30 years ago.
It's BASED on the underpinnings and mechanicals of the old Renault Clio.
An old car.
Basically, I've brought an iPod to a gramophone convention.
Utter rubbish! Look at it! 'Our argument was then interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.
They still don't believe that we like small cars.
But we do! I love my Fiesta.
Right.
"Between Yalta and Sevastopol, there is an excellent coast road, "which you would enjoy very much in a normal car.
"But you will not be able to enjoy it "in your miserable little shopping carts"?! Hello! You can't get away from the fact the Fiesta, in any guise, is a brilliant little car.
The chassis is so sorted out! I've driven the ST version, the hot one, and it is simply superb.
What's incredible is that they haven't lost any of that liveliness, that excitement, that thrill, by fitting it with a tiny, tiny engine.
It's like driving a cartoon! Squealing! Bit of turbo boost, bit of traction control wise.
That means I'm having fun and I'm on the ragged edge.
Hee-hee! Unlike the Ford and the Dacia, the Up! doesn't have a turbocharger.
But even so, it still feels like a determined spur.
I'm going to get there first! Yes, I am, get out of my way! Woo-ha-ha! And stick it into the bend I mean, if I were in even a Ferrari on this road, I'd be thinking "Oh, no, I'm going to scrape my nose! "How much power do I need here and how much braking?" And I don't have to worry about any of that, because the Up! has no power at all.
You just put your foot hard down and leave it there! Much to the annoyance of the producers, we have loved our drive on the wiggly road.
But we loved what we found at the other end of it even more.
A disused Soviet submarine base Now, ordinarily, we would have to park in the car park there.
But because our cars are so little, we won't.
This is remarkable.
James Bond could not have got in here! Because of course, his Aston Martin is too large.
Good God! Look at that! In the event of a nuclear war, they could get 14 submarines in here, and 3,000 people.
It's under a mountain! Yeah, it is your actual under-a-mountain submarine base It's full-on Bond.
How much energy and effort was expended by MI6 and the CIA trying to find out the details of this place? And here I am, driving through it! Sadly, we spent so long driving around the sub pen .
.
that night was falling by the time we reached the busy city of Sevastopol.
And here, the Up!'s lack of oomph was a bit of an issue.
Oh, I'm being squeezed! I've lost it.
Being strashed by a Lada 2107! However, because the VW is smaller than the Ford and the Dacia, I didn't have to park miles and miles from the hotel.
Is that legal? No.
Where does it say "no parking"? But it doesn't say "no parking" in a lot of places where it's obviously not quite right to park.
To be fair, it doesn't say "no murdering" either.
The next morning, we continued our journey through a region where the hills were once soaked with British blood.
The Crimean War may have been unfathomable, nobody really knew why it started, but the legacy is enormous.
It gave us important words like balaclava and cardigan.
It gave us Florence Nightingale the world's first war photographer, the world's first war reporter.
The Victoria Cross was first awarded to soldiers who fought here And even today, the medal is made from metal taken from a Russian gun that was captured here.
Then, of course, there's the best-known legacy of them all.
How's it go? "Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, "Theirs but to do and die.
" "Into the valley of death rode the 600.
" And that is the valley.
That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened It was a misunderstood order.
Yeah, they were supposed to go up there somewhere.
They were supposed to snout around in the hills, looking for the Russians, misunderstood it, came charging over here armed with sabres, against the entire Russian artillery here, all of it was there, pointing straight at them.
And they were on horses with sabres.
How could that possibly end? Oh, God! Choose your moments! Exactly.
Exactly.
"Ukraine is the second largest country in Europe, and now you will "drive all the way across it, "from here in the far south to the Belarus border in the north "It will be worse than those long journeys you did "as a kid in the back of a family car to the seaside.
"It will be the journey from hell.
" How can it be worse than those journeys? I was a kid then! I was in the back of a Mark I Cortina.
I was in the back of an Austin 1100.
Anglia, with a hole in the floor How far is it? It doesn't How far is it? It's 750 miles.
Up!? That's easy.
Piece of ca.
.
In these three cars - light cars - we shall be the modern-day Charge of the Light Brigade.
Very good.
Still feeling slightly baffled, we set off.
Well, I think the producers have gone a bit soft, to be honest.
It's just not in any way difficult, challenging It's just It's easy! It turned out not to be easy at all.
Yes, in the second part of that film, which we'll show you later on, I was actually killed.
Yeah, he really was.
So, that's something for us all to look forward to.
Yes, thank you, Hammond.
But in the meantime, we must put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
Now, my guest tonight is the only British musician who can drive a tank, fire a mortar and strip an assault rifle.
Apart from Posh Spice, obviously.
Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt! How you doing, big man? How are you? I'm well.
Hi there.
How are you doing? Hi Hello.
He's here.
Have a seat.
All right.
Many whistlings! First of all, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.
I'm getting married? BLEEP! You're getting married to the girl standing behind you.
Fantastic Just in case you'd forgotten.
No, there she is, look.
What's your name? Aah! That's the ticket.
OK, great.
So, when are you getting married? September.
I'm just thinking, I know there s lots of girls here and they'll want me to ask lots of questions about it, but I can't think of any.
Shall we talk about the Army? Let's talk about the Army.
The Army's better.
We've got to do the Army, it's easier.
Now, we know you were in the Army, of course, that is well documented.
But I think what a lot of people don't know is that you actually single-handedly, when you were in Kosovo, stopped World War III from happening.
I'm glad you brought this up.
Yeah.
Because it's time the nation knew.
Actually, it was genuinely the most incredible day of my life.
Other than my forthcoming marriage.
And, er It was You know, having bombed the crap out of the Serbs, we signed a peace accord and we pushed up to Pristina, the capital, and I was remarkably put as truly the first officer to lead 30,000 people up there, and when we got to the airport in Pristina, General Wesley Clark told us to just overrun and overpower the 200 Russians who had beaten us to the airport The American general? Yeah, and we asked several times - that one thing means destroy them? Which seemed a pretty stupid thing to do.
He said destroy He said overrun and overpower, definitely using some political manoeuvring in his wording.
And after, you know, five minutes of arguing, a very special man called General Mike Jackson, an incredible character who I would follow anywhere, came up on the radio and said, "This is ridiculous, I'm not having my soldiers being "responsible for starting World War III, "let's push off somewhere else.
And when the Russians had run out of food and water, they came back and asked us for food and water and we said, "Sure, if you share the airport" That was an order from an American to a British captain to And he later then ran for president in America.
I know Let's move on to music.
We've covered the army.
You saved the world from World War III, which is good.
Your new album is called Moon Landing.
Moon Landing, which I only discovered after the event that "moon landing" is actually in the Urban Dictionary as a term in the gym when two men are changing and they bend over and their bottoms touch accidentally.
So, yeah There's a single called Heart To Heart, isn't there? Yes.
Now, forgive me for saying this my daughter, she said to me a couple of days ago, "I was going to tweet James "to say how much I love that song," but she said, "I was so worried "that his tweet reply would rip me apart that I haven't dared do it.
" I wouldn't abuse her, if she's nice.
What have you just won on Twitter? It's something, the best twitterer Best Comebacks.
The Best Comebacks, from the chap over there with windswept hair I've actually got a few of your ones here.
Don't they take a long time to think of? I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying.
Somebody said here, "Why have you only got 200,000 followers?" And you replied, "Jesus only needed 12.
" You've got to admit they are properly very funny.
"James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice.
You went, "Yes, and no mortgage" Do you mind if I show them my absolute favourite? Go for it.
The rather sarky, "Whatever happened to James Blunt?" And this was the picture you posted.
What I love about you is the way that somebody is abusive to you and you just take it on the chin and are fine.
I sob uncontrollably.
I mean, people take Twitter far too seriously.
It's just, there's a real world out there, and people seem to think that Twitter is important.
It's just people opinions, and opinions are like arseholes Everyone has one.
Yeah.
Cars.
When you were last here, I think the only car you'd ever driven at the time was a Lada.
Yeah, I was really embarrassed about that, and I've tried to upgrade.
I had a Lada Riva 1.
3SL, for "slow".
Because now, obviously, things have moved on dramatically.
You've got a tuk-tuk.
I have a tuk-tuk from Bangkok, which is awesome, three-wheeled vehicle, does 70mph, and I drive it around home in Ibiza.
It does 70? in the back, you can wheelie as well, at 70mph.
Actually, my best friend is a chap called Nin, he's Indian, and he insists on driving to make it look more authentic.
Yeah.
When you're in London, I gather you've now got a bicycle.
Yeah.
Why do you have a bicycle? It's much, much faster and it's good exercise.
You can lose a paunch with a bicycle.
I've got a bicycle, and look what it's done to me.
Literally.
You're not supposed to eat it.
Yeah Now, you recently had an altercation with a paparazzi photographer, I believe, in the United States Yeah, paps are quite aggressive and yes, I was coming out of a party and I was with someone who was in the public eye as well, and they shout.
Paps don't want an ordinary picture, they want an aggressive picture and they're all banging on the window, and one of them fell in front of the car, and what are you supposed to do? He's fallen down and I wouldn't want to incriminate myself by saying that I hadn't spotted him and touched the throttle and went gently over.
That would be the wrong thing to do.
But But we did go over him Did you actually feel the dum-dum? Yes.
Something strangely satisfying about it.
And in the meantime, the police and the ambulance did arrive, but before they arrived, he got up and took pictures of more people They even had some film footage from another paparazzi of him rubbing his leg, saying, "Make it redder, make it redder, and when the police arrived, he said, "Poor me, I've been run over.
But it was a very small hire car and I think it was fine.
It wasn't a large American Cadillac? No.
Get one of those next time.
Anyway, the lap, how was it out there today? I think as I was driving down today, they said today was the first day of the year the Met Office has issued a red weather warning - do not leave home unless you specifically have to, and I've been doing laps.
The thing is, as you know, everybody who comes down here goes off at the second to last corner, that's a given, really, but I heard that James went off on the Follow Through.
And I followed through at the time as well! That's why it's called the Follow Through, because that's a 100mph corner, and you have that building in front of you, and if things start to go wrong through there, it's actually a slightly buttock-clenching Very much.
And some of your camera crew are lucky to be alive.
Yeah Would anybody like to see this moment when one of our guests actually went off on the Follow Through? AUDIENCE: Yes.
Let's have a look at this.
Here we go.
That is absolutely soaking.
That's properly fast, and you keep your foot in it until, look at this! What I love about that is you did not apply the brakes until you were an inch from the edge of the track.
Everyone says you're not allowed to lift off and so I tried not to.
We're talking big cojones there It's actually because I couldn't see through the windscreen.
I didn't know I was coming off.
It started to get bumpy and green - "This has definitely gone wrong.
" Anyway, eventually, we did get a lap together.
Yeah.
Who'd like to see it? Yeah! Here we go.
See, I think this is the Blitz spirit.
Come on, then! BLEEP! It's like a BLEEP lake out here Yeah, nobody's complaining about the Environment Agency, you're going in there, "Why don t you come and clear it up?" That is so wet! Stayed on the track nicely.
It's like ice skating.
Not that I ice skate very often You really should have borrowed Richard Hammond's booster cushion.
I needed Moses to part the sea.
There's a private jet over there That could get me home! Ibiza, right.
Hammerhead, probably couldn't even see the lines, so that's pretty impressive.
Here we go, right, coming up to the Follow Through again.
So slow.
Up to 6,000.
And again, I can't see a BLEEP thing.
This is, I really admire you for doing this.
A touch of the brakes, and I can't say I blame you.
Through the tyres.
No whingeing, no complaining.
And, yeah, going to make that one.
Not bad at all, actually.
And it's blowing a gale.
Whoa! It's the Jimmy Carr line! There we are.
Across the line.
That is really, properly I've never seen it like that.
Yeah, it was fascinating, because last time I came down it was wet as well, and basically, whenever you have me on, unsurprisingly, it is the wettest, James Blunt is the wettest lap.
We have had two previous wet laps in the last couple of weeks.
Hugh Bonneville at 1.
50.
1, Tom Hiddleston last week at 1.
4 .
9, so bearing in mind, he was very wet, but nothing like Not nearly as wet as me.
So come on, where do you think you come? I really hope I haven't humiliated myself too much.
No, you haven't humiliated yourself, because you went out there, which is brave enough, and you drove around in it, which is very marvellous and you looked determined.
Like one of those schools where everyone's a winner.
So there we are, fastest lap so far, I have to say That is the fastest wet lap.
You are above Ron Howard.
And just under Joss Stone.
I'm always under some Anyway Feel the eyes in the back of my head.
Yes.
I can see them.
You're between Joss Stone and Ron Howard.
That's a very odd place to be.
That was quite something.
It really was.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt! Thank you.
Now, tonight we are trying to prove that we really do like small cars, and our producers are trying to prove that they're rubbish.
Yes, so, they told us to drive our three one-litre hatchbacks all the way across Ukraine, a trip they said would be the journey from hell.
Why do they think this is going to be the journey from hell? Driving across the Ukraine.
We've only been here 24 hours, we've been through the Cold War the Second World War, the Crimean War.
It's going to be tremendous.
And I'm in my Up! In the not too distant past, little cars like ours were very spartan, but these days, if you choose your car wisely you get loads of stuff to play with.
Right, Hammond, have you got your air conditioning set just so? I have, yes, I've set it just half a degree lower than would be too comfortable.
This heated seat, I think, just to the first position.
USB.
'USB iPod.
' Bluetoothed my iPod into the stereo system.
Heated windscreen, let me try that.
Cruise control.
Haven't done that.
Yep, a mirror on that side.
Eventually, though, even Hammond and I ran out of things to play with, so we turned our attention to the Ukrainian scenery.
A hill or two wouldn't go amiss Right, I admit it, this is boring.
Do you think we're halfway there yet? We needed to find out.
So, as we couldn't understand the writing on our sat-nav systems, we pulled over to consult a map We came from down here, yes? And we've got to go all the way there.
We've just gone through a town called Pravda.
We can't be further back than that.
Maybe it's in Can't be there.
We've done that Oh, Christ, oh no! It's there.
Don't be daft! It is! We're only here! We've only done that.
We've only driven over the Isle of Wight.
We've got to come here? How come .
.
We've only got there?! And that's good news.
Is it? How is that good news? It's good news.
Really? Yes.
Instead of just sitting and, "I'm bored," why don't we make ourselves more rounded human beings on the journey? So while we're in the car we learn to do some thing? Exactly! We could sit there going, "I'm bored, I'm bored, I wish I wasn't doing this," or we can simply say, "No, we shall use this time constructively.
We will arrive in Belarus more intelligent and more rounded than we are now.
Back on the road, the self-improvement began.
'Hello and welcome to Teach Yourself Ukrainian.
Unit one.
'Hello, what's your name?' "You will learn to play blues harp quickly "and easily by just listening to the CD.
" Ooh, I've got a CD! "And following the book.
" Viewers, you will notice I'm wearing my magic hat and that there is a playing card in it.
'Karus again invites Stephen to his home to discuss 'some business questions.
' So that goes in there.
Well In the mobile language lab, things were going well.
Underwear.
And soon I felt confident enough to get us something to eat at a roadside cafe.
What are you saying? I'm trying to find some food that isn't fish.
Oh, thank you.
You seem to have ordered some wood.
Jeremy then asked for some apples.
Well, we've eaten.
Shall we go? The next morning, after breakfast had been cleared away.
.
What?! .
.
I used my new Ukrainian skills to check the sat-nav.
Oh, Jesus.
To get to Kiev, We were in a state of despair, but then, out of the fog loomed a man.
And behind him, this.
An abandoned nuclear missile base.
This is the silo, is it? That's a silo.
It's ever so big Hammond, this is an SS18, nicknamed the Satan, targeted Ross-on-Wye.
Was it? That's what that says.
Hang on a minute, though.
It says "alternative target Chipsky Norton" there.
I think it must be damp! Many people complain about having to do a long drive, but on this one, we really had hit on a brilliant way of making the time fly by.
Ha ha! Viewers, my hands empty, nothing at all in them.
Now, can I 'Unit three.
Stephen, do you have a family?' There's Stephen again.
Everybody's called Stephen here, that's the one thing I have learned.
Oh, God.
My doves have escaped.
My doves have got out.
What doves? What do you mean, got out? My doves from my magic box.
They're all over the back.
They've crapped everywhere.
Upset by the mess, OCD May ejected the culprit.
Oh, my God, there's a lorry That is an ex-dove.
Yeah, now, you see, the truck that hit your dove, James, how good are you at magic? Seriously, did it not fly away? You're not going to do children's parties, are you, because you're going to have to change your act if you are.
"So, Sally, is this the family parrot? "Just watch what happens "when I throw it out of the window of a moving vehicle.
Putting this tragic incident behind us we ploughed on, and by nightfall had reached Ukraine's capital, Kiev.
Jeremy checked us into the hotel Yeah.
Did you just say yes to stop him talking? And in the bar, James did another trick that went wrong.
Ta-da! I'm afraid not.
You can't change your mind about the card you chose.
That was the card you chose.
You can't tell me what card I chose.
But I know you chose that because I read your mind.
Magicians are supposed to exercise a degree of finesse, not just bullying.
No, it's still not.
It is! That's what you chose! The following morning, we were warned there was a mob on the streets of Kiev, and there was.
Thank you for coming, thank you so much.
So, to get a bit of peace and quiet, we were told to report to the country's only racetrack .
.
for what, chillingly, was called the final challenge.
"Your cars will each be given exactly 23 litres of fuel, "which, because they're so economical, "should easily be enough for them to cover the 100 or so miles "to your destination, a town near the border with Belarus.
" Hang on, 23 litres? To do 100 miles? That's not really a challenge, is it? That's easy! "Your challenge is to run out before you get there.
" Eh? "This is something you will want to do, "as the town in question is called ".
.
Chernobyl.
" Can we actually We can't go there, can we? Chernobyl was the scene of the world's worst nuclear accident.
When reactor number four exploded in 1986, it released a radioactive cloud so devastating that the entire area will remain uninhabitable for 20,000 years.
And unless we could make our cars do less than 20 miles to the gallon, this is where we'd end up.
Ford claim mine does 65mpg.
All the way here, this has done 60 miles to the gallon, give or take.
Yes.
How would you make these cars do 20 miles to the gallon? I can't imagine getting it under 30.
After the producers had put precisely 23 litres of fuel in each tank, we did some preparations of our own.
Right.
Clever, this.
What I'm going to do is let about The point is, it increases rolling resistance which means I use more fuel.
That is one heavy Up! What are you doing? I'm sealing all the gaps so that radioactive dust can't get in.
What you've done there, Hammond is made it more aerodynamic.
I have, haven't I? You have.
Goodbye.
To get through this much petrol in less than 100 miles, we would have to drive like maniacs.
Three, two, one.
Come on! Build up the revs! Second gear.
Right to the limiter.
God, that's wasteful.
James and I decided to go for a low-gear policy of maximum revs.
Hammond, on the other hand If I keep doing this all the way there, I'll go further.
It will be twice the distance.
This is the answer.
Lock to lock.
Ooh! That's where I'm going to have to be careful, when there's traffic coming the other way.
I've just realised! I'm driving without the lights on.
I'm driving with the eco-engine system Heated rear window, I want that on.
Heated seats, yes.
That's better.
Probably people think this is a bit odd, but if they knew why I was doing it, they would understand.
I can't believe they're making us do this, because it's not like the radioactivity has gone.
It hasn t.
It has a half-life, material that's left, of 245,000 years.
And James May, obviously, can explain what a half-life is In fact, he probably is doing.
A half-life is actually constant.
A piece of uranium will have a half-life and when that half-life is passed, the remaining bit still has the same half-life.
I think the word was coined by Marie Curie.
The early 20th century was the time when radioactivity was identified and discovered After 25 miles of red-line motoring, the news from the Up! still wasn't good.
I've managed to average I've got to get that down.
How do I get that down? Right, the drag is now dramatically worsened.
Meanwhile I am feeling a bit sick now, if I'm honest.
Oh, is that a police car? Oh, dear.
There's the horrible evidence.
At a quarter distance, 25.
5 miles, I should have lost one of those four bars that I started with.
But it's not happening.
Come on, petrol! Sod off.
OK, we've been pulled by the police.
They were wondering why I was zigzagging.
They're talking to the camera car in front.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at max RPM to try and use some fuel while I'm stationary.
Whilst Hammond was deafening the police, I pulled over to disable my engine management system.
How about that! Engine warning light.
Yes.
That's what we want.
What the engine has to do now is assume a sort of worst-case scenario, because it doesn't know anything about itself, so it will assume it's very cold, the fuel quality is bad, so it must be less efficient.
all our cars were still running and we were trying every trick in the book to make them conk out Look at that for drag now! Brake.
Then accelerate.
Then brake.
Accelerate.
Still got three bars! Come on! There it is! 17.
8mpg.
My fuel light has come on! Oh, yeah.
I'm doing 21 miles to the gallon.
I'm not doing well enough! Everything's on empty.
The needle, on empty.
Come on, run out.
Run out.
It's one degree out there.
Nipples are sticking out badly.
Ah! I believe this is Richard Hammond.
This thing should not be moving I'm going! I'm going! I am going! Don't tell me you've run out.
Yes! Yes! Ha ha! Oh, bliss! It's gone I don't believe you.
It I don't believe you.
Sit rep.
Richard Hammond is a BLEEP.
Go on.
Go and meet your fate.
The un-turbo-charged Up! continued onwards.
And then Oh, wait a minute.
What do we have here? Some kind of checkpoint The barrier marked the start of the 30km exclusion zone, and now I'd have to go through it.
So would James.
But who would film what happened afterwards? Three main cameramen.
Yeah.
They're getting in a taxi and going back to Kiev.
What? There's something like 17 tonnes of radioactive waste still in the exposed reactor core.
They're building an enormous sort of arch, really, over the entire site, which will seal it off, but that is not finished yet.
With 8km to go, I had started to beg.
Run out.
Run out now.
But it didn't.
That needle is definitely moving.
Now it had become imperative we didn't run out until we were well past the reactor.
There it is.
That is the remains of reactor number four.
This is unbelievable.
I wouldn't want to appear to be gloating at a time like this, but I do still have two bars of fuel left.
I didn't.
Oh, my God! Don't stop now.
And as a result, I was in serious trouble.
This is where the people who worked at the nuclear facility all lived.
Totally abandoned now.
It has been for 28 years.
Look at it.
Look at that there.
This has to be one of the world's most astonishing spectacles.
Oh, my I've seen this! This is it.
This is the playground.
Whoa, big spike.
It is definitely now time to get out of here.
Come on, little Up! Don't run out now.
Oh, that was It coughed.
That was a cough.
It's gone.
It's gone.
Why are they applauding that? Why are you applauding? So how did you get out? I waited, thinking you would come and rescue me, which you Well, I didn't, because No, you didn't.
We do leave a man in the field, or in this case, the contaminated city.
Yes, so I had to walk.
Really? So, any effects? Yes.
I've had to present this entire show with two penises.
But then, I have been doing that for 11 years.
Funny.
Anyway, right, the cars, the important bit.
Yes, and the Fiesta is brilliant.
Yes, I know it is.
It saved my life.
Yes, it did.
Yes, but we must remember, the Dacia, Hammond, is £10,000 cheaper.
Yes, because it's rubbish.
No, but if you buy a small car, you want it to be cheap.
No, you want it to be good.
Actually, you want it to be both.
Yes, but the Up! is neither.
Listen, May, you said the Up! was brilliant and intelligent.
When did I say that? You wrote it in a road test in a magazine about 18 months ago.
I was rather hoping you wouldn't have read that.
Yes, but I did read it.
So once again, it turns out that on this show, I am the voice of reason and common sense.
Really? Yes, and the Up! Is the small car to buy.
Not that one, though, because that's been irradiated.
Yes, actually, Hammond, you are sitting on it, which means you now have a radioactive anus.
Ah! And on that bum-shell, it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week.
Good night.
USB.
Hello, everybody! Good evening.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.
Now, I want to start by talking about Denmark because, you see, over the years, this tiny little country has contributed so much to the betterment of mankind.
It's given us interesting furniture, stylish hi-fi, amusing children's toys and, of course, this.
Danish bacon, Danish butter, wrapped in bread, to create the only known cure for vegetarianism.
Denmark, however, has never made a car until now.
Because Denmark has more windmills per head than any other country on Earth and because Copenhagen is a cyclist's paradise, you know exactly what sort of car it's going to be.
Yeah, well, it isn't.
I was also expecting Hans Christian Andersen with windscreen wipers or The Little Mermaid with door handles, but no.
What we've got instead is this.
A 1,086 horsepower orange monster! It's called the Zenvo ST1 and it is extremely fast.
It's got a 6.
8 litre V8 .
.
which is supercharged AND turbocharged.
And that's like smearing a habanero chilli with wasabi and then garnishing it with dynamite.
The net result is a speedometer that can't keep up.
It's just a blur.
My God! No, no idea! Apparently, however, flat out, it will do 233mph.
You know those Scandinavian crime dramas, lots of quietly thoughtful people in jumpers looking out of the window? This is nothing like that.
Nothing at all.
So, it is very definitely a supercar.
And that's a problem because who's going to say, "No, I don't want a Ferrari "or a Lamborghini or a Pagani or a Bugatti "or a Porsche or an Audi R8 or a McLaren or an Aston Martin "I would rather spend my money on something totally unproven, "preferably from a company I've never heard of?" I mean, why would you do that? It's not like the engine is made from the tears of an angel by the gods of science and precision.
What's more, it has conventional suspension and a heavy, steel chassis.
However, because it's a bit last-week, you can have some old-fashioned fun in the corners.
Oh-ho-ho! 'But you can also have an accident.
' Part of the problem is that if you engage sport or race mode, the traction control is disengaged.
Now, this, according to the - oops - chief engineer, makes it pretty much undrivable He's right.
He is right.
There were also some issues with quality.
The lights filled with condensation, the rear brakes didn't seem to be working properly, then the clutch went.
So the car had to go back to Denmark.
After a couple of weeks, however, it was mended, so the Zenvo came back.
But almost immediately a cooling fan went wrong.
Fire, fire, fire! Copy that.
So the car became even more orange.
And that was the end of that.
That didn't do very well.
How much is this thing? How much? Mm.
£800,000.
800?! Yes.
Are there any upsides to it? Er, upsides, yes.
The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights.
Apart from the fire? Apart from the fire Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.
Well, it would be quiet.
It was broken.
Yes, but amazingly, they have mended it again and it's back again.
And now we can find out how fast it does a lap of our track, or rather IF it can do a lap of our track.
That, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex.
And that on a recent trip to Cornwall, he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset.
All we know is he's called The Stig! And he's off! Cautious start because it is soaking out there today.
Be beautiful, though, if it catches fire.
Right, first corner.
Will it try to bite him? Nothing so far.
Oh, no, wait, there is a bit of a nibble at the end.
Absolutely no idea what The Stig is listening to.
I do know, however, he is in full race mode.
No traction control He is being cautious, though.
Right, through the Hammerhead.
Oh, no, it's stepped out again, but he has managed to hold it.
God, that is very good driving! Right, is he going to lift? Oh, yes, he is going to lift because that thing is as racy as the Danish Prime Minister.
Through the tyres.
Only two corners left.
You can actually see it squirming on the lake where our track used to be.
Only Gambon left before he can have a lie down.
Is he going to make it? Is IT going to make it? Yes, it has! Now I have the time here.
Remember, it is an £800,000 Ohhh No, it's a bit lower.
Really? Ohhh Oh-ho! There you go, it's 1.
29.
9, slower than a Ford Focus.
No, no, hang on a minute.
I'm sorry.
Hang on a minute.
Let's be fair about it.
We need to look at another time for a wet lap.
There you go.
It's slower than a German saloon car.
It is! You know this is Danish and it s orange and it's genetically flawed? I'm surprised they haven't called The Giraffe .
.
and shot it.
He said that out loud, didn't he? He did.
He said it out loud.
Never mind, let's move on with the news and, well, my big news this week, certainly is I spent last weekend driving the new Porsche 918.
Oh, you did! It'll be on the show later in the series.
There it is.
Come on, quick, quick, now, sneak preview.
What is it like? Well, Jennifer Funny! Yeah, if you were watching last week, Jeremy did say on the show, on TV, that if the Porsche was faster than the McLaren, he would change his name to Jennifer.
Yes.
Didn't you, Jennifer? Well, it won't be.
See, I think it might just be.
Honestly, it It's staggering Really.
It doesn't accelerate like most other cars.
You are not conscious of it gaining speed through the gear as the revs rise.
It doesn't go, "Ohhh-aaahhh!" It just goes straight to, "Aaaaargh!" But, Hammond What? .
.
the McLaren has more power than the Porsche and is lighter than the Porsche I know.
But listen, Jennifer, the Porsche has four-wheel-drive and four-wheel steer and on our track It will lose.
Listen, I'm sure the Luftwaffe were very proud and pleased with the Messerschmitt Me 109.
That was a damn good aeroplane.
Yes, but it wasn't It wasn't as good as the Spitfire! No, you could do negative G in the Messerschmitt 109.
May, you are as bad as he is! That is going to be humiliated.
We are going to win.
When I say we, Britain is going to I'm all for patriotism, that's great, but you've just got to face facts.
The thing is astonishing.
It's about how it manages those three engines Shut up about it! I'm with you about the British thing, but I sort of hope the Porsche wins, JENNIFER.
The news has been filled with a lot of scenes of flood victims all waving their arms around and going, "Oh, no, what are we going to do?" End of the world really.
I mean, it certainly makes me very sad because the answer, as we all know, is simple.
You buy a Ford transit van, cut a big hole in the floor, take the back doors off, couple of engines in it, fans, skirts, put it in the water, it sinks.
That's true.
You get another transit van, more powerful engines, totally redesigned.
Here we go.
And it works perfectly.
That IS the solution.
We predicted these floods six months ago and came up with the solution.
But what is really annoying is that everybody is blaming the floods on David Cameron, the Environment Agency pretty much anything you can name Mm-mm, I know exactly who is to blame for this problem everybody is having.
Miranda Hart.
You laugh, but here's the thing We are sitting here now on a Sunday evening.
Eight, nine million people in Britain have chosen to watch some 1950s midwifery on the other side, so they don't know about the hover-van.
That is the problem.
They have chosen Miranda over us and our show is rammed full of helpful hints and useful consumer advice.
Every week! Now, hey, listen, how long has the Gallardo been in production I know there are cave drawings of it in the Pyrenees.
There are.
Well, Lamborghini has announced they are stopping making it and are going to replace it with this.
It's called the Huracan.
four-wheel-drive.
None of that is interesting because if you're interested in speed and power and handling, you're going to buy a Ferrari 458 or a McLaren 12C, aren't you? The only reason you want to buy a Lamborghini is because it looks mad.
And that's very nice, but I don t think it's bonkers enough.
I know what you mean.
It looks nice, but Yeah, it needs to be outrageous It does.
Nobody should be allowed to design a Lamborghini unless they've just consumed two bottles of absinthe.
Now you're ready! The essence of it is, it doesn't really matter how a Lamborghini drives because a Lamborghini is for prowling around the city Ferraris are for doing a 2.
35 around Silverstone.
Lamborghinis are for doing Knightsbridge at 2.
35am.
Yes, yes.
Now, there's a new type of gas which is worrying the government.
Is it cyanide? No.
Is it carbon dioxide? No, it used to be carbon dioxide.
Now the days where I can hardly bring myself to say this.
They are very worried about a terrifying new combination of nitrogen and oxygen.
What, you mean air? Yes.
is nitrogen and oxygen, but the government has got his knickers in a twist about it, specifically about nitrogen dioxide and I've done some checking.
Bear with me on this.
It mostly comes from soil or stoves or particularly from lorries in stop-start city driving, OK? So the government has decided to address the problem by limiting cars to 60mph on the M1 just outside Sheffield.
That's their solution.
But that's got nothing to do with it! Isn't that like saying, "I've got toothache, "I think I'll go and have a hair cut.
That will sort it.
" "Doctor, I've twisted my ankle.
"You must put on a bomber jacket" The thing is, they actually say "Well, it's as European law, "so we have to lower the speed limit.
" Germans aren't, French aren't, Italians aren't, only we are.
And I know exactly what's happened here.
You've got some guy in the government, you know You know the type.
Oh, yes, right.
OK, now, he has the power to lower the speed limit and stop parents eating sandwiches in cars if kids are present, but what he needs to do is take a leaf out of the Queen's book.
What, marry a Greek? No! The Queen has the constitutional power to declare war on another country, but she never does.
Even after a big party where she's a bit and all her mates are egging her on.
"Go on, Liz! Declare war on someone!" Can she really do that? Yes, she can do that, but she doesn't.
"Hello is that Mr Hollande? "This is the Queen.
WE ARE AT WAR!" I'd do that every week! She could do that.
I'd be constant I'd do it every "Oh, God, what have I done?" Yeah, I would love to be a drunk Queen! I didn't mean Shall we move it on? Yes.
Yes.
Every week, we receive thousands of letters from people that say "Dear Top so-called Gear, why do you never test the sort of "affordable cars that normal people are likely to buy and drive?" Well, the truth is, we would love to.
But the producers won't let us.
It's frustrating, because contrary to public opinion, we really do like small, sensible little cars.
I mean, he has a Fiat Panda.
I have a Fiat 500.
Yeah, and I have a very small AMG Mercedes.
Very small indeed.
We like the way that small cars are easy to park and cheap to run, but, most of all, we like the way that a lot of them are very good fun to drive.
But the producers say they aren t, they say they're boring.
And to prove their point, they came up with a challenge.
Yes, they told us to choose three one-litre, three-cylinder, little city cars and report with them to the Crimean peninsula.
So, here it is, at the bottom end of Ukraine, jutting out into the Black Sea.
The Crimean peninsula, 10,000 square miles of history, beetroot and girls who leave the West behind.
And this is where we were to meet, the city of Yalta.
Outside the very building where Churchill, Stalin and Roosevelt met to carve up Europe after Hitler's defeat.
Hammond was the first to arrive I have brought, as you can see, a Fiesta.
Which is a very, very good small car in any case, but in this instance, particularly good, because this one is fitted with an absolute jewel of an engine.
It's a tiny, one-litre, three-cylinder EcoBoost, and when I say tiny, I mean REALLY tiny.
The block of that engine would fit on an A4 piece of paper.
And it's magnificent.
Right, who's that? Oh, it's the orang-utan.
Here we go.
Congratulations.
What, why? Because that is unquestionably the best one-litre little car of them all.
No doubt about it.
The engine in this Yeah.
It is phenomenal.
125 horsepower, from one litre.
I know! And 65 miles to the gallon.
Honestly Why are you saying these things and why, then, are you not in one? Why are you in that VW? It's the Up! Well, I brought this because I like it.
Hang on, you've just .
.
No, I like it.
This is brilliant.
But I like this.
Let me put it to you this way.
You can buy better dogs than my West Highland terrier, but I LIKE my West Highland terrier.
Yes, it bites the postman and it lays dog eggs all over the kitchen and it steals food but it's brilliant! And it goes .
.
If this had ears, it would go like that 'Sadly, at this point, my dog impersonation was 'interrupted by the arrival of Captain Interesting.
' That's the most boring looking car I've What is it? I'm nodding off! Good news! What? It's a Dacia Sandero.
Is it? Yes.
Anyway, we were just saying before you got here, this is just an epic little car It's quite expensive, though, isn't it? How much is it? 17,50.
£17,500? Yup.
And how much is yours? 7,500.
That's a big price gulf, Hammond.
It is I can afford to lose this and just go and buy another one and I'm still better off than you.
Look at it! It's It looks great.
It's anti-fashion, it's a car for people with more sense than money.
It works, it's cheap.
Wow, how have they done it so cheaply? You can't work it out, can you? There is no obvious It's amazing! That steering wheel, what a quality item! That's exactly the same as yours! It isn't the same! It's the same SHAPE.
And correct me if I'm wrong, it was a Renault Clio 30 years ago.
Not 30 years ago.
It's BASED on the underpinnings and mechanicals of the old Renault Clio.
An old car.
Basically, I've brought an iPod to a gramophone convention.
Utter rubbish! Look at it! 'Our argument was then interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.
They still don't believe that we like small cars.
But we do! I love my Fiesta.
Right.
"Between Yalta and Sevastopol, there is an excellent coast road, "which you would enjoy very much in a normal car.
"But you will not be able to enjoy it "in your miserable little shopping carts"?! Hello! You can't get away from the fact the Fiesta, in any guise, is a brilliant little car.
The chassis is so sorted out! I've driven the ST version, the hot one, and it is simply superb.
What's incredible is that they haven't lost any of that liveliness, that excitement, that thrill, by fitting it with a tiny, tiny engine.
It's like driving a cartoon! Squealing! Bit of turbo boost, bit of traction control wise.
That means I'm having fun and I'm on the ragged edge.
Hee-hee! Unlike the Ford and the Dacia, the Up! doesn't have a turbocharger.
But even so, it still feels like a determined spur.
I'm going to get there first! Yes, I am, get out of my way! Woo-ha-ha! And stick it into the bend I mean, if I were in even a Ferrari on this road, I'd be thinking "Oh, no, I'm going to scrape my nose! "How much power do I need here and how much braking?" And I don't have to worry about any of that, because the Up! has no power at all.
You just put your foot hard down and leave it there! Much to the annoyance of the producers, we have loved our drive on the wiggly road.
But we loved what we found at the other end of it even more.
A disused Soviet submarine base Now, ordinarily, we would have to park in the car park there.
But because our cars are so little, we won't.
This is remarkable.
James Bond could not have got in here! Because of course, his Aston Martin is too large.
Good God! Look at that! In the event of a nuclear war, they could get 14 submarines in here, and 3,000 people.
It's under a mountain! Yeah, it is your actual under-a-mountain submarine base It's full-on Bond.
How much energy and effort was expended by MI6 and the CIA trying to find out the details of this place? And here I am, driving through it! Sadly, we spent so long driving around the sub pen .
.
that night was falling by the time we reached the busy city of Sevastopol.
And here, the Up!'s lack of oomph was a bit of an issue.
Oh, I'm being squeezed! I've lost it.
Being strashed by a Lada 2107! However, because the VW is smaller than the Ford and the Dacia, I didn't have to park miles and miles from the hotel.
Is that legal? No.
Where does it say "no parking"? But it doesn't say "no parking" in a lot of places where it's obviously not quite right to park.
To be fair, it doesn't say "no murdering" either.
The next morning, we continued our journey through a region where the hills were once soaked with British blood.
The Crimean War may have been unfathomable, nobody really knew why it started, but the legacy is enormous.
It gave us important words like balaclava and cardigan.
It gave us Florence Nightingale the world's first war photographer, the world's first war reporter.
The Victoria Cross was first awarded to soldiers who fought here And even today, the medal is made from metal taken from a Russian gun that was captured here.
Then, of course, there's the best-known legacy of them all.
How's it go? "Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, "Theirs but to do and die.
" "Into the valley of death rode the 600.
" And that is the valley.
That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened It was a misunderstood order.
Yeah, they were supposed to go up there somewhere.
They were supposed to snout around in the hills, looking for the Russians, misunderstood it, came charging over here armed with sabres, against the entire Russian artillery here, all of it was there, pointing straight at them.
And they were on horses with sabres.
How could that possibly end? Oh, God! Choose your moments! Exactly.
Exactly.
"Ukraine is the second largest country in Europe, and now you will "drive all the way across it, "from here in the far south to the Belarus border in the north "It will be worse than those long journeys you did "as a kid in the back of a family car to the seaside.
"It will be the journey from hell.
" How can it be worse than those journeys? I was a kid then! I was in the back of a Mark I Cortina.
I was in the back of an Austin 1100.
Anglia, with a hole in the floor How far is it? It doesn't How far is it? It's 750 miles.
Up!? That's easy.
Piece of ca.
.
In these three cars - light cars - we shall be the modern-day Charge of the Light Brigade.
Very good.
Still feeling slightly baffled, we set off.
Well, I think the producers have gone a bit soft, to be honest.
It's just not in any way difficult, challenging It's just It's easy! It turned out not to be easy at all.
Yes, in the second part of that film, which we'll show you later on, I was actually killed.
Yeah, he really was.
So, that's something for us all to look forward to.
Yes, thank you, Hammond.
But in the meantime, we must put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
Now, my guest tonight is the only British musician who can drive a tank, fire a mortar and strip an assault rifle.
Apart from Posh Spice, obviously.
Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt! How you doing, big man? How are you? I'm well.
Hi there.
How are you doing? Hi Hello.
He's here.
Have a seat.
All right.
Many whistlings! First of all, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.
I'm getting married? BLEEP! You're getting married to the girl standing behind you.
Fantastic Just in case you'd forgotten.
No, there she is, look.
What's your name? Aah! That's the ticket.
OK, great.
So, when are you getting married? September.
I'm just thinking, I know there s lots of girls here and they'll want me to ask lots of questions about it, but I can't think of any.
Shall we talk about the Army? Let's talk about the Army.
The Army's better.
We've got to do the Army, it's easier.
Now, we know you were in the Army, of course, that is well documented.
But I think what a lot of people don't know is that you actually single-handedly, when you were in Kosovo, stopped World War III from happening.
I'm glad you brought this up.
Yeah.
Because it's time the nation knew.
Actually, it was genuinely the most incredible day of my life.
Other than my forthcoming marriage.
And, er It was You know, having bombed the crap out of the Serbs, we signed a peace accord and we pushed up to Pristina, the capital, and I was remarkably put as truly the first officer to lead 30,000 people up there, and when we got to the airport in Pristina, General Wesley Clark told us to just overrun and overpower the 200 Russians who had beaten us to the airport The American general? Yeah, and we asked several times - that one thing means destroy them? Which seemed a pretty stupid thing to do.
He said destroy He said overrun and overpower, definitely using some political manoeuvring in his wording.
And after, you know, five minutes of arguing, a very special man called General Mike Jackson, an incredible character who I would follow anywhere, came up on the radio and said, "This is ridiculous, I'm not having my soldiers being "responsible for starting World War III, "let's push off somewhere else.
And when the Russians had run out of food and water, they came back and asked us for food and water and we said, "Sure, if you share the airport" That was an order from an American to a British captain to And he later then ran for president in America.
I know Let's move on to music.
We've covered the army.
You saved the world from World War III, which is good.
Your new album is called Moon Landing.
Moon Landing, which I only discovered after the event that "moon landing" is actually in the Urban Dictionary as a term in the gym when two men are changing and they bend over and their bottoms touch accidentally.
So, yeah There's a single called Heart To Heart, isn't there? Yes.
Now, forgive me for saying this my daughter, she said to me a couple of days ago, "I was going to tweet James "to say how much I love that song," but she said, "I was so worried "that his tweet reply would rip me apart that I haven't dared do it.
" I wouldn't abuse her, if she's nice.
What have you just won on Twitter? It's something, the best twitterer Best Comebacks.
The Best Comebacks, from the chap over there with windswept hair I've actually got a few of your ones here.
Don't they take a long time to think of? I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying.
Somebody said here, "Why have you only got 200,000 followers?" And you replied, "Jesus only needed 12.
" You've got to admit they are properly very funny.
"James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice.
You went, "Yes, and no mortgage" Do you mind if I show them my absolute favourite? Go for it.
The rather sarky, "Whatever happened to James Blunt?" And this was the picture you posted.
What I love about you is the way that somebody is abusive to you and you just take it on the chin and are fine.
I sob uncontrollably.
I mean, people take Twitter far too seriously.
It's just, there's a real world out there, and people seem to think that Twitter is important.
It's just people opinions, and opinions are like arseholes Everyone has one.
Yeah.
Cars.
When you were last here, I think the only car you'd ever driven at the time was a Lada.
Yeah, I was really embarrassed about that, and I've tried to upgrade.
I had a Lada Riva 1.
3SL, for "slow".
Because now, obviously, things have moved on dramatically.
You've got a tuk-tuk.
I have a tuk-tuk from Bangkok, which is awesome, three-wheeled vehicle, does 70mph, and I drive it around home in Ibiza.
It does 70? in the back, you can wheelie as well, at 70mph.
Actually, my best friend is a chap called Nin, he's Indian, and he insists on driving to make it look more authentic.
Yeah.
When you're in London, I gather you've now got a bicycle.
Yeah.
Why do you have a bicycle? It's much, much faster and it's good exercise.
You can lose a paunch with a bicycle.
I've got a bicycle, and look what it's done to me.
Literally.
You're not supposed to eat it.
Yeah Now, you recently had an altercation with a paparazzi photographer, I believe, in the United States Yeah, paps are quite aggressive and yes, I was coming out of a party and I was with someone who was in the public eye as well, and they shout.
Paps don't want an ordinary picture, they want an aggressive picture and they're all banging on the window, and one of them fell in front of the car, and what are you supposed to do? He's fallen down and I wouldn't want to incriminate myself by saying that I hadn't spotted him and touched the throttle and went gently over.
That would be the wrong thing to do.
But But we did go over him Did you actually feel the dum-dum? Yes.
Something strangely satisfying about it.
And in the meantime, the police and the ambulance did arrive, but before they arrived, he got up and took pictures of more people They even had some film footage from another paparazzi of him rubbing his leg, saying, "Make it redder, make it redder, and when the police arrived, he said, "Poor me, I've been run over.
But it was a very small hire car and I think it was fine.
It wasn't a large American Cadillac? No.
Get one of those next time.
Anyway, the lap, how was it out there today? I think as I was driving down today, they said today was the first day of the year the Met Office has issued a red weather warning - do not leave home unless you specifically have to, and I've been doing laps.
The thing is, as you know, everybody who comes down here goes off at the second to last corner, that's a given, really, but I heard that James went off on the Follow Through.
And I followed through at the time as well! That's why it's called the Follow Through, because that's a 100mph corner, and you have that building in front of you, and if things start to go wrong through there, it's actually a slightly buttock-clenching Very much.
And some of your camera crew are lucky to be alive.
Yeah Would anybody like to see this moment when one of our guests actually went off on the Follow Through? AUDIENCE: Yes.
Let's have a look at this.
Here we go.
That is absolutely soaking.
That's properly fast, and you keep your foot in it until, look at this! What I love about that is you did not apply the brakes until you were an inch from the edge of the track.
Everyone says you're not allowed to lift off and so I tried not to.
We're talking big cojones there It's actually because I couldn't see through the windscreen.
I didn't know I was coming off.
It started to get bumpy and green - "This has definitely gone wrong.
" Anyway, eventually, we did get a lap together.
Yeah.
Who'd like to see it? Yeah! Here we go.
See, I think this is the Blitz spirit.
Come on, then! BLEEP! It's like a BLEEP lake out here Yeah, nobody's complaining about the Environment Agency, you're going in there, "Why don t you come and clear it up?" That is so wet! Stayed on the track nicely.
It's like ice skating.
Not that I ice skate very often You really should have borrowed Richard Hammond's booster cushion.
I needed Moses to part the sea.
There's a private jet over there That could get me home! Ibiza, right.
Hammerhead, probably couldn't even see the lines, so that's pretty impressive.
Here we go, right, coming up to the Follow Through again.
So slow.
Up to 6,000.
And again, I can't see a BLEEP thing.
This is, I really admire you for doing this.
A touch of the brakes, and I can't say I blame you.
Through the tyres.
No whingeing, no complaining.
And, yeah, going to make that one.
Not bad at all, actually.
And it's blowing a gale.
Whoa! It's the Jimmy Carr line! There we are.
Across the line.
That is really, properly I've never seen it like that.
Yeah, it was fascinating, because last time I came down it was wet as well, and basically, whenever you have me on, unsurprisingly, it is the wettest, James Blunt is the wettest lap.
We have had two previous wet laps in the last couple of weeks.
Hugh Bonneville at 1.
50.
1, Tom Hiddleston last week at 1.
4 .
9, so bearing in mind, he was very wet, but nothing like Not nearly as wet as me.
So come on, where do you think you come? I really hope I haven't humiliated myself too much.
No, you haven't humiliated yourself, because you went out there, which is brave enough, and you drove around in it, which is very marvellous and you looked determined.
Like one of those schools where everyone's a winner.
So there we are, fastest lap so far, I have to say That is the fastest wet lap.
You are above Ron Howard.
And just under Joss Stone.
I'm always under some Anyway Feel the eyes in the back of my head.
Yes.
I can see them.
You're between Joss Stone and Ron Howard.
That's a very odd place to be.
That was quite something.
It really was.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt! Thank you.
Now, tonight we are trying to prove that we really do like small cars, and our producers are trying to prove that they're rubbish.
Yes, so, they told us to drive our three one-litre hatchbacks all the way across Ukraine, a trip they said would be the journey from hell.
Why do they think this is going to be the journey from hell? Driving across the Ukraine.
We've only been here 24 hours, we've been through the Cold War the Second World War, the Crimean War.
It's going to be tremendous.
And I'm in my Up! In the not too distant past, little cars like ours were very spartan, but these days, if you choose your car wisely you get loads of stuff to play with.
Right, Hammond, have you got your air conditioning set just so? I have, yes, I've set it just half a degree lower than would be too comfortable.
This heated seat, I think, just to the first position.
USB.
'USB iPod.
' Bluetoothed my iPod into the stereo system.
Heated windscreen, let me try that.
Cruise control.
Haven't done that.
Yep, a mirror on that side.
Eventually, though, even Hammond and I ran out of things to play with, so we turned our attention to the Ukrainian scenery.
A hill or two wouldn't go amiss Right, I admit it, this is boring.
Do you think we're halfway there yet? We needed to find out.
So, as we couldn't understand the writing on our sat-nav systems, we pulled over to consult a map We came from down here, yes? And we've got to go all the way there.
We've just gone through a town called Pravda.
We can't be further back than that.
Maybe it's in Can't be there.
We've done that Oh, Christ, oh no! It's there.
Don't be daft! It is! We're only here! We've only done that.
We've only driven over the Isle of Wight.
We've got to come here? How come .
.
We've only got there?! And that's good news.
Is it? How is that good news? It's good news.
Really? Yes.
Instead of just sitting and, "I'm bored," why don't we make ourselves more rounded human beings on the journey? So while we're in the car we learn to do some thing? Exactly! We could sit there going, "I'm bored, I'm bored, I wish I wasn't doing this," or we can simply say, "No, we shall use this time constructively.
We will arrive in Belarus more intelligent and more rounded than we are now.
Back on the road, the self-improvement began.
'Hello and welcome to Teach Yourself Ukrainian.
Unit one.
'Hello, what's your name?' "You will learn to play blues harp quickly "and easily by just listening to the CD.
" Ooh, I've got a CD! "And following the book.
" Viewers, you will notice I'm wearing my magic hat and that there is a playing card in it.
'Karus again invites Stephen to his home to discuss 'some business questions.
' So that goes in there.
Well In the mobile language lab, things were going well.
Underwear.
And soon I felt confident enough to get us something to eat at a roadside cafe.
What are you saying? I'm trying to find some food that isn't fish.
Oh, thank you.
You seem to have ordered some wood.
Jeremy then asked for some apples.
Well, we've eaten.
Shall we go? The next morning, after breakfast had been cleared away.
.
What?! .
.
I used my new Ukrainian skills to check the sat-nav.
Oh, Jesus.
To get to Kiev, We were in a state of despair, but then, out of the fog loomed a man.
And behind him, this.
An abandoned nuclear missile base.
This is the silo, is it? That's a silo.
It's ever so big Hammond, this is an SS18, nicknamed the Satan, targeted Ross-on-Wye.
Was it? That's what that says.
Hang on a minute, though.
It says "alternative target Chipsky Norton" there.
I think it must be damp! Many people complain about having to do a long drive, but on this one, we really had hit on a brilliant way of making the time fly by.
Ha ha! Viewers, my hands empty, nothing at all in them.
Now, can I 'Unit three.
Stephen, do you have a family?' There's Stephen again.
Everybody's called Stephen here, that's the one thing I have learned.
Oh, God.
My doves have escaped.
My doves have got out.
What doves? What do you mean, got out? My doves from my magic box.
They're all over the back.
They've crapped everywhere.
Upset by the mess, OCD May ejected the culprit.
Oh, my God, there's a lorry That is an ex-dove.
Yeah, now, you see, the truck that hit your dove, James, how good are you at magic? Seriously, did it not fly away? You're not going to do children's parties, are you, because you're going to have to change your act if you are.
"So, Sally, is this the family parrot? "Just watch what happens "when I throw it out of the window of a moving vehicle.
Putting this tragic incident behind us we ploughed on, and by nightfall had reached Ukraine's capital, Kiev.
Jeremy checked us into the hotel Yeah.
Did you just say yes to stop him talking? And in the bar, James did another trick that went wrong.
Ta-da! I'm afraid not.
You can't change your mind about the card you chose.
That was the card you chose.
You can't tell me what card I chose.
But I know you chose that because I read your mind.
Magicians are supposed to exercise a degree of finesse, not just bullying.
No, it's still not.
It is! That's what you chose! The following morning, we were warned there was a mob on the streets of Kiev, and there was.
Thank you for coming, thank you so much.
So, to get a bit of peace and quiet, we were told to report to the country's only racetrack .
.
for what, chillingly, was called the final challenge.
"Your cars will each be given exactly 23 litres of fuel, "which, because they're so economical, "should easily be enough for them to cover the 100 or so miles "to your destination, a town near the border with Belarus.
" Hang on, 23 litres? To do 100 miles? That's not really a challenge, is it? That's easy! "Your challenge is to run out before you get there.
" Eh? "This is something you will want to do, "as the town in question is called ".
.
Chernobyl.
" Can we actually We can't go there, can we? Chernobyl was the scene of the world's worst nuclear accident.
When reactor number four exploded in 1986, it released a radioactive cloud so devastating that the entire area will remain uninhabitable for 20,000 years.
And unless we could make our cars do less than 20 miles to the gallon, this is where we'd end up.
Ford claim mine does 65mpg.
All the way here, this has done 60 miles to the gallon, give or take.
Yes.
How would you make these cars do 20 miles to the gallon? I can't imagine getting it under 30.
After the producers had put precisely 23 litres of fuel in each tank, we did some preparations of our own.
Right.
Clever, this.
What I'm going to do is let about The point is, it increases rolling resistance which means I use more fuel.
That is one heavy Up! What are you doing? I'm sealing all the gaps so that radioactive dust can't get in.
What you've done there, Hammond is made it more aerodynamic.
I have, haven't I? You have.
Goodbye.
To get through this much petrol in less than 100 miles, we would have to drive like maniacs.
Three, two, one.
Come on! Build up the revs! Second gear.
Right to the limiter.
God, that's wasteful.
James and I decided to go for a low-gear policy of maximum revs.
Hammond, on the other hand If I keep doing this all the way there, I'll go further.
It will be twice the distance.
This is the answer.
Lock to lock.
Ooh! That's where I'm going to have to be careful, when there's traffic coming the other way.
I've just realised! I'm driving without the lights on.
I'm driving with the eco-engine system Heated rear window, I want that on.
Heated seats, yes.
That's better.
Probably people think this is a bit odd, but if they knew why I was doing it, they would understand.
I can't believe they're making us do this, because it's not like the radioactivity has gone.
It hasn t.
It has a half-life, material that's left, of 245,000 years.
And James May, obviously, can explain what a half-life is In fact, he probably is doing.
A half-life is actually constant.
A piece of uranium will have a half-life and when that half-life is passed, the remaining bit still has the same half-life.
I think the word was coined by Marie Curie.
The early 20th century was the time when radioactivity was identified and discovered After 25 miles of red-line motoring, the news from the Up! still wasn't good.
I've managed to average I've got to get that down.
How do I get that down? Right, the drag is now dramatically worsened.
Meanwhile I am feeling a bit sick now, if I'm honest.
Oh, is that a police car? Oh, dear.
There's the horrible evidence.
At a quarter distance, 25.
5 miles, I should have lost one of those four bars that I started with.
But it's not happening.
Come on, petrol! Sod off.
OK, we've been pulled by the police.
They were wondering why I was zigzagging.
They're talking to the camera car in front.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at max RPM to try and use some fuel while I'm stationary.
Whilst Hammond was deafening the police, I pulled over to disable my engine management system.
How about that! Engine warning light.
Yes.
That's what we want.
What the engine has to do now is assume a sort of worst-case scenario, because it doesn't know anything about itself, so it will assume it's very cold, the fuel quality is bad, so it must be less efficient.
all our cars were still running and we were trying every trick in the book to make them conk out Look at that for drag now! Brake.
Then accelerate.
Then brake.
Accelerate.
Still got three bars! Come on! There it is! 17.
8mpg.
My fuel light has come on! Oh, yeah.
I'm doing 21 miles to the gallon.
I'm not doing well enough! Everything's on empty.
The needle, on empty.
Come on, run out.
Run out.
It's one degree out there.
Nipples are sticking out badly.
Ah! I believe this is Richard Hammond.
This thing should not be moving I'm going! I'm going! I am going! Don't tell me you've run out.
Yes! Yes! Ha ha! Oh, bliss! It's gone I don't believe you.
It I don't believe you.
Sit rep.
Richard Hammond is a BLEEP.
Go on.
Go and meet your fate.
The un-turbo-charged Up! continued onwards.
And then Oh, wait a minute.
What do we have here? Some kind of checkpoint The barrier marked the start of the 30km exclusion zone, and now I'd have to go through it.
So would James.
But who would film what happened afterwards? Three main cameramen.
Yeah.
They're getting in a taxi and going back to Kiev.
What? There's something like 17 tonnes of radioactive waste still in the exposed reactor core.
They're building an enormous sort of arch, really, over the entire site, which will seal it off, but that is not finished yet.
With 8km to go, I had started to beg.
Run out.
Run out now.
But it didn't.
That needle is definitely moving.
Now it had become imperative we didn't run out until we were well past the reactor.
There it is.
That is the remains of reactor number four.
This is unbelievable.
I wouldn't want to appear to be gloating at a time like this, but I do still have two bars of fuel left.
I didn't.
Oh, my God! Don't stop now.
And as a result, I was in serious trouble.
This is where the people who worked at the nuclear facility all lived.
Totally abandoned now.
It has been for 28 years.
Look at it.
Look at that there.
This has to be one of the world's most astonishing spectacles.
Oh, my I've seen this! This is it.
This is the playground.
Whoa, big spike.
It is definitely now time to get out of here.
Come on, little Up! Don't run out now.
Oh, that was It coughed.
That was a cough.
It's gone.
It's gone.
Why are they applauding that? Why are you applauding? So how did you get out? I waited, thinking you would come and rescue me, which you Well, I didn't, because No, you didn't.
We do leave a man in the field, or in this case, the contaminated city.
Yes, so I had to walk.
Really? So, any effects? Yes.
I've had to present this entire show with two penises.
But then, I have been doing that for 11 years.
Funny.
Anyway, right, the cars, the important bit.
Yes, and the Fiesta is brilliant.
Yes, I know it is.
It saved my life.
Yes, it did.
Yes, but we must remember, the Dacia, Hammond, is £10,000 cheaper.
Yes, because it's rubbish.
No, but if you buy a small car, you want it to be cheap.
No, you want it to be good.
Actually, you want it to be both.
Yes, but the Up! is neither.
Listen, May, you said the Up! was brilliant and intelligent.
When did I say that? You wrote it in a road test in a magazine about 18 months ago.
I was rather hoping you wouldn't have read that.
Yes, but I did read it.
So once again, it turns out that on this show, I am the voice of reason and common sense.
Really? Yes, and the Up! Is the small car to buy.
Not that one, though, because that's been irradiated.
Yes, actually, Hammond, you are sitting on it, which means you now have a radioactive anus.
Ah! And on that bum-shell, it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week.
Good night.