The Simpsons s21e04 Episode Script
Treehouse of Horror XX
Oh, for the love of Huh? (cocks gun) Ah, Halloween: the one night when we can walk the streets undetected.
Hey, lame-os.
Turner Classic Movies called.
They want their costumes back.
We lame-os? I have a remedy for our predicament.
Into this costumery.
Yeah? (gasps) Oh.
Friends of Homer's? They're not my friends.
We brought a bottle of booze.
Boooooze! Come in! Come in! Mmm.
Good! Beer good.
You good.
You said you were going out to kill children tonight.
We were, then we bumped into our old friend, the-the-the-- my man here! You'll be sucking your own blood tonight.
Let's get 'em, girls! Bad Wolf! (whining) Bad! Lighten up, ladies.
It's not cheating when you're wearing a costume! (screams): Not the face! It's time to announce my choice to represent our class at the National Reading Roundup.
(chuckling): Here it comes.
My choice is Hubert Wong! (applause) Wha? Hooray for Different-Face! Congratulations, Hubert.
Or should I congratulate your tutor: Amelia, at the Homework Factory! Your victory is tainted! Asterisk! Asterisk! Lisa, don't take it personally.
I barely spent any time on this decision.
Asterisk! Asterisk! Asterisk! Lisa Simpson in detention?! My horoscope told me I'd see something interesting today, but I thought that meant the horoscope itself! Stupid Miss Hoover.
I heard about your run-in with Hoover.
Aren't teachers the worst? I don't want to talk about it.
Listen, you're a smart kid.
I bet you like ideas.
I do.
Well, I just had a whopper! What if you got revenge on Krabappel for me, and I got revenge on Hoover for you? Crisscross! Interesting.
With no obvious motive, no one would suspect us.
Exactly! Crisscross! Do we have a deal? Thanks, but I'll pass.
If I say "crisscross" one more time, will that change your mind? Listen, you're a persistent fellow, but I Crisscross! I'm in.
Bart, have you established your alibi? Yep.
I'm at the tennis match.
And people will remember you were there? I'm pretty sure they will.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hello? Hello? Oh! I've been ding-dong-ditched! Crisscross.
You should've seen the look on Krabappel's face! And you should've seen the look on Hoover's face.
In fact, here it is.
You killed her? Right.
Like we agreed.
I never said "kill"! Yeah, 'cause you're smart.
You don't say "kill," you say "prank.
" Like Mom and Dad say "snuggle" when what they really mean is "let's lock the door and hug.
" Well, I didn't kill Mrs.
Krabappel! So, all you did was ring her doorbell and run? Yeah, ding-dong-ditch! "Ding-dong-ditch" means you kill her, then you throw that ding-dong into a ditch.
Geez, pick up a book.
You're a monster! A deal's a deal, little sister.
Tomorrow after school, go to her house and t.
p.
her.
That's it? Just t.
p.
her? Yeah, torture and pulverize her.
Then ding-dong-ditch the body and we're even.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, Lisa! Come hold this blade so it doesn't slice through my neck.
Come on.
I trust you completely.
Slice her like a bagel! Ah, got it! Thanks, Lisa.
Last thing I want is to be sliced in two-- you know, like a bagel.
Bart? I've been waiting for you and trying to figure out how girls pee.
Sorry, Bart, I couldn't do it! There's got to be another way.
What if I gave you homework help? I won't give you the answers, but I'll give you the tools to find the answers yourself.
No dice.
Either take care of Krabappel, or Groundskeeper Willie will say he saw you kill Miss Hoover.
Why would Willie do that? Let's just say he owes me a favor.
Crisscross! Like the plaid on me kilt! You're not wearing a kilt.
Uh-oh.
All right, Bart.
I guess I have no choice.
I have to kill you! (screams) Go ahead, do it.
You're no different from me.
We're made from the same dinna.
It's pronounced D-N-A, you idiot.
And we are not the same.
I am not a murderer, and I never will be! Well done, Lisa! It was an accident, I swear! Sure.
An accident.
Ha! Ay carumba, you little snot.
I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared.
" Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich? I'm glad you asked, Kent.
We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun.
Burger Squared! The math checks out! Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination! Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.
And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature.
Mmm.
Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid A little tip: you might want to wash me before you eat me.
(roaring) Thank you.
The munchers got Moe! Well, we're not going out to help him.
We have no idea what hideous creatures might be out there! (pounding window) Please, let me in! How do I know you're not a muncher? I'm your father and I need your help! I can't make sense of that muncher talk! Hungry.
So hungry.
There's nothing to eat.
Except this.
There's gotta be something yummy out there.
A hamburger! Bart ate a tainted burger! I'll bash him with this book! Dad! No! That's the last book in the world! Really? Yes! It's-- oh.
Go ahead.
Wait! The burger didn't change me! I'm not a muncher! Oh, my God.
If Bart could eat the burger and survive, then maybe he can yield the key to an anti-muncher vaccine! Then we must keep this boy safe from harm! Better call Dr.
Hibbert.
Well, I suppose Bart could be immune-- (roaring) a genetic "chosen one," if you will.
If so, secrets locked within his blood could be the key to saving humanity.
You must get him immediately to the safe zone, just outside of town.
If you see my wife, tell her I love her.
You mean tell her I love her? Or I meaning you? Mm, I'll just high-five her.
(whispering): Now remember, no loud noises.
Oh, man, that breeze feels good! To the panic room! We don't have a panic room! To the panic room store! (Ã la Terminator): Come with me if you want to live.
Another politician who can't keep his promises.
APU: Psst! This way.
Well, this day can't get any crazier.
Apu, how did you survive? Well, as a vegetarian, I did not consume any tainted burgers, and as a convenience store owner, I am armed to the teeth.
We need windows, too! Shoot her! I can't shoot her.
She's Lisa's godmother.
You can apologize in hell! I guess I could.
(crash) Hmm? What the? I will get out and push.
No matter what, Bart must make it to the safe zone.
That was so noble of Apu to give his life for us.
Where are you going?! You were supposed to stop at the bottom and wait for me! I don't see the safe zone anywhere.
Let's play a game.
Who gets to carry the chosen one? Ow! Aw, did the chosen one hurt his chosen little noggin? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit it.
Ow! Quit it! (flies buzzing) Well, well, well.
Who's an unproductive worker now? Got your nose.
(shrieks) Why you Homie, where have you been? Dad, are you becoming a muncher? I think the better brains is, are you brains a brains? Where do you want it, the mouth or the eyes? Ooh, mouth.
Eyes it is.
No! When we get you to the safe zone, we can cure your father! Safe zone? You really think there's a safe zone? Well, you're right.
It's right over there.
Let us in.
We have the chosen one! CROWD: Oh! Welcome, son.
To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.
MARGE: Hold it right there, bub.
What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior? There must be another way.
Hmm LISA: Time has passed.
Children play in the streets.
At night, there is music and laughter.
And all we had to do was let Bart take a bath in our food.
Hey, Lis, want some soup? Mm-hmm.
Oh, why can't no girl love a guy with this mug Whose mother declared you're too ugly to hug? How's about pouring me a beer, ugly? How about some of my new microbrew? Must be another mouse in the pipe.
Let's see if this cobra solves it.
Nothing.
Huh.
Just once I wish cupid would draw back his bow And shoot me a cutie whose standards are low (whoops) An unattended tap! Like taking beer from a baby! I'm unlucky in love, I'm unlucky in luck Oh, my God, Homer! Just try to relax.
Okay, don't relax! Don't relax! Oh, Marge, the most awful thing just happened! What is it, Moe? Um She's so beautiful, it makes my heart take wing! Look at me! I can fl Ow! Ow! Aah! Um, Marge, Homer, uh, just ran out saying he don't love you, and he never did.
He what?! HOMER: Help me! That, uh that's me.
I've been taking ventriloquism lessons.
HOMER: Help me or kill me! Huh? Huh! Now, let Dr.
Moe cure what ails you.
There's something odd about this beer.
(gasps) * It tastes like cuddling * It tastes like clean clothes It tastes like hot steaming cocoa mixed with rainbows It does? * Full-bodied * Full-blooded It's such a lovely blend It's jolly, it's loyal, like drinking your best friend! I stopped my crying Why, I don't know But this rosy, cozy, bubbles-in-my-nose-y Makes me wanna have Mo'! This is the best musical in light years.
Light years measure distance, not time.
You know what I meant.
So, Marge, uh, Homer's been gone a whole week, huh? Marge, I've got some bad news to give you.
It's a letter from Homer on my stationery in my handwriting, using my idioms and speech patterns.
And it begins, "Dear Midge: "you probably hate me by now, "and if you don't, what's wrong which youse? "But don't give up on men.
Bart, Linda and the other one there need a dad.
" That does sound like Homer.
"The reason I left you is simple.
" "I'm gay.
"?! Yeah, read on.
It gets gayer.
(talk-sings): * While turning gay the other day * A thought occurred to me I'd like to try most every guy from here to Timbuk-tee (singing): * Oh, there's so many men around the world * Of every shape and size I want to nibble on Jamaican jerks and teriyaki thighs I want to French-kiss a Frenchman And spoon an English duke 'Cause frankly, dear To not be queer just makes me want to puke So find yourself a man who'll want you in the sack I recommend our dear old friend Bartender Moe Szyslak! Letters don't lie! So, what do think, Marge? Will you give Moe a throw? Hmm, well Maybe you need a little more milk of amnesia.
Dang, I'm missing the secret ingredient.
Uh, let me squeeze some more out of the secret ingredient bag.
(laughs) Uh-oh.
Looks like I got to wing it a little bit here.
The other day, I ran into an Irishman.
(with Irish accent): Oh, really? No, O'Reilly.
Oh, uh, I see we're, uh, back in business.
Now, a little more hemoglobin, and your wife will be disrobin'.
I can't talk now.
I'm watching a play.
You want how much for a radiator? Is that new or rebuilt? There.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God, I've never felt so uncreeped-out by you! Marge, I loves youse.
Will youse be mines? I guess it is time to move on.
MOE: Before you do, I just got to warn you, Marge.
My taste for romance is kinda perverse I can only make love in the back of a hearse Plus I gotta be dressed as a Civil War nurse And then when I'm finished, I'll go through your purse But you could do worse I could do worse We're proof that you MOE: * You could do worse * MARGE: * I could do worse * She couldn't possibly do worse! Homer, does this mean you still love me? Of course I do, Marge.
Can you still love a man who's half-beer? I always have.
To love! (to Simpsons theme): * We hope you enjoyed this year's Halloween show * Treehouse of Horror, number XX! Shh! Done by mosito1001
Hey, lame-os.
Turner Classic Movies called.
They want their costumes back.
We lame-os? I have a remedy for our predicament.
Into this costumery.
Yeah? (gasps) Oh.
Friends of Homer's? They're not my friends.
We brought a bottle of booze.
Boooooze! Come in! Come in! Mmm.
Good! Beer good.
You good.
You said you were going out to kill children tonight.
We were, then we bumped into our old friend, the-the-the-- my man here! You'll be sucking your own blood tonight.
Let's get 'em, girls! Bad Wolf! (whining) Bad! Lighten up, ladies.
It's not cheating when you're wearing a costume! (screams): Not the face! It's time to announce my choice to represent our class at the National Reading Roundup.
(chuckling): Here it comes.
My choice is Hubert Wong! (applause) Wha? Hooray for Different-Face! Congratulations, Hubert.
Or should I congratulate your tutor: Amelia, at the Homework Factory! Your victory is tainted! Asterisk! Asterisk! Lisa, don't take it personally.
I barely spent any time on this decision.
Asterisk! Asterisk! Asterisk! Lisa Simpson in detention?! My horoscope told me I'd see something interesting today, but I thought that meant the horoscope itself! Stupid Miss Hoover.
I heard about your run-in with Hoover.
Aren't teachers the worst? I don't want to talk about it.
Listen, you're a smart kid.
I bet you like ideas.
I do.
Well, I just had a whopper! What if you got revenge on Krabappel for me, and I got revenge on Hoover for you? Crisscross! Interesting.
With no obvious motive, no one would suspect us.
Exactly! Crisscross! Do we have a deal? Thanks, but I'll pass.
If I say "crisscross" one more time, will that change your mind? Listen, you're a persistent fellow, but I Crisscross! I'm in.
Bart, have you established your alibi? Yep.
I'm at the tennis match.
And people will remember you were there? I'm pretty sure they will.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hello? Hello? Oh! I've been ding-dong-ditched! Crisscross.
You should've seen the look on Krabappel's face! And you should've seen the look on Hoover's face.
In fact, here it is.
You killed her? Right.
Like we agreed.
I never said "kill"! Yeah, 'cause you're smart.
You don't say "kill," you say "prank.
" Like Mom and Dad say "snuggle" when what they really mean is "let's lock the door and hug.
" Well, I didn't kill Mrs.
Krabappel! So, all you did was ring her doorbell and run? Yeah, ding-dong-ditch! "Ding-dong-ditch" means you kill her, then you throw that ding-dong into a ditch.
Geez, pick up a book.
You're a monster! A deal's a deal, little sister.
Tomorrow after school, go to her house and t.
p.
her.
That's it? Just t.
p.
her? Yeah, torture and pulverize her.
Then ding-dong-ditch the body and we're even.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, Lisa! Come hold this blade so it doesn't slice through my neck.
Come on.
I trust you completely.
Slice her like a bagel! Ah, got it! Thanks, Lisa.
Last thing I want is to be sliced in two-- you know, like a bagel.
Bart? I've been waiting for you and trying to figure out how girls pee.
Sorry, Bart, I couldn't do it! There's got to be another way.
What if I gave you homework help? I won't give you the answers, but I'll give you the tools to find the answers yourself.
No dice.
Either take care of Krabappel, or Groundskeeper Willie will say he saw you kill Miss Hoover.
Why would Willie do that? Let's just say he owes me a favor.
Crisscross! Like the plaid on me kilt! You're not wearing a kilt.
Uh-oh.
All right, Bart.
I guess I have no choice.
I have to kill you! (screams) Go ahead, do it.
You're no different from me.
We're made from the same dinna.
It's pronounced D-N-A, you idiot.
And we are not the same.
I am not a murderer, and I never will be! Well done, Lisa! It was an accident, I swear! Sure.
An accident.
Ha! Ay carumba, you little snot.
I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared.
" Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich? I'm glad you asked, Kent.
We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun.
Burger Squared! The math checks out! Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination! Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.
And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature.
Mmm.
Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid A little tip: you might want to wash me before you eat me.
(roaring) Thank you.
The munchers got Moe! Well, we're not going out to help him.
We have no idea what hideous creatures might be out there! (pounding window) Please, let me in! How do I know you're not a muncher? I'm your father and I need your help! I can't make sense of that muncher talk! Hungry.
So hungry.
There's nothing to eat.
Except this.
There's gotta be something yummy out there.
A hamburger! Bart ate a tainted burger! I'll bash him with this book! Dad! No! That's the last book in the world! Really? Yes! It's-- oh.
Go ahead.
Wait! The burger didn't change me! I'm not a muncher! Oh, my God.
If Bart could eat the burger and survive, then maybe he can yield the key to an anti-muncher vaccine! Then we must keep this boy safe from harm! Better call Dr.
Hibbert.
Well, I suppose Bart could be immune-- (roaring) a genetic "chosen one," if you will.
If so, secrets locked within his blood could be the key to saving humanity.
You must get him immediately to the safe zone, just outside of town.
If you see my wife, tell her I love her.
You mean tell her I love her? Or I meaning you? Mm, I'll just high-five her.
(whispering): Now remember, no loud noises.
Oh, man, that breeze feels good! To the panic room! We don't have a panic room! To the panic room store! (Ã la Terminator): Come with me if you want to live.
Another politician who can't keep his promises.
APU: Psst! This way.
Well, this day can't get any crazier.
Apu, how did you survive? Well, as a vegetarian, I did not consume any tainted burgers, and as a convenience store owner, I am armed to the teeth.
We need windows, too! Shoot her! I can't shoot her.
She's Lisa's godmother.
You can apologize in hell! I guess I could.
(crash) Hmm? What the? I will get out and push.
No matter what, Bart must make it to the safe zone.
That was so noble of Apu to give his life for us.
Where are you going?! You were supposed to stop at the bottom and wait for me! I don't see the safe zone anywhere.
Let's play a game.
Who gets to carry the chosen one? Ow! Aw, did the chosen one hurt his chosen little noggin? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit it.
Ow! Quit it! (flies buzzing) Well, well, well.
Who's an unproductive worker now? Got your nose.
(shrieks) Why you Homie, where have you been? Dad, are you becoming a muncher? I think the better brains is, are you brains a brains? Where do you want it, the mouth or the eyes? Ooh, mouth.
Eyes it is.
No! When we get you to the safe zone, we can cure your father! Safe zone? You really think there's a safe zone? Well, you're right.
It's right over there.
Let us in.
We have the chosen one! CROWD: Oh! Welcome, son.
To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.
MARGE: Hold it right there, bub.
What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior? There must be another way.
Hmm LISA: Time has passed.
Children play in the streets.
At night, there is music and laughter.
And all we had to do was let Bart take a bath in our food.
Hey, Lis, want some soup? Mm-hmm.
Oh, why can't no girl love a guy with this mug Whose mother declared you're too ugly to hug? How's about pouring me a beer, ugly? How about some of my new microbrew? Must be another mouse in the pipe.
Let's see if this cobra solves it.
Nothing.
Huh.
Just once I wish cupid would draw back his bow And shoot me a cutie whose standards are low (whoops) An unattended tap! Like taking beer from a baby! I'm unlucky in love, I'm unlucky in luck Oh, my God, Homer! Just try to relax.
Okay, don't relax! Don't relax! Oh, Marge, the most awful thing just happened! What is it, Moe? Um She's so beautiful, it makes my heart take wing! Look at me! I can fl Ow! Ow! Aah! Um, Marge, Homer, uh, just ran out saying he don't love you, and he never did.
He what?! HOMER: Help me! That, uh that's me.
I've been taking ventriloquism lessons.
HOMER: Help me or kill me! Huh? Huh! Now, let Dr.
Moe cure what ails you.
There's something odd about this beer.
(gasps) * It tastes like cuddling * It tastes like clean clothes It tastes like hot steaming cocoa mixed with rainbows It does? * Full-bodied * Full-blooded It's such a lovely blend It's jolly, it's loyal, like drinking your best friend! I stopped my crying Why, I don't know But this rosy, cozy, bubbles-in-my-nose-y Makes me wanna have Mo'! This is the best musical in light years.
Light years measure distance, not time.
You know what I meant.
So, Marge, uh, Homer's been gone a whole week, huh? Marge, I've got some bad news to give you.
It's a letter from Homer on my stationery in my handwriting, using my idioms and speech patterns.
And it begins, "Dear Midge: "you probably hate me by now, "and if you don't, what's wrong which youse? "But don't give up on men.
Bart, Linda and the other one there need a dad.
" That does sound like Homer.
"The reason I left you is simple.
" "I'm gay.
"?! Yeah, read on.
It gets gayer.
(talk-sings): * While turning gay the other day * A thought occurred to me I'd like to try most every guy from here to Timbuk-tee (singing): * Oh, there's so many men around the world * Of every shape and size I want to nibble on Jamaican jerks and teriyaki thighs I want to French-kiss a Frenchman And spoon an English duke 'Cause frankly, dear To not be queer just makes me want to puke So find yourself a man who'll want you in the sack I recommend our dear old friend Bartender Moe Szyslak! Letters don't lie! So, what do think, Marge? Will you give Moe a throw? Hmm, well Maybe you need a little more milk of amnesia.
Dang, I'm missing the secret ingredient.
Uh, let me squeeze some more out of the secret ingredient bag.
(laughs) Uh-oh.
Looks like I got to wing it a little bit here.
The other day, I ran into an Irishman.
(with Irish accent): Oh, really? No, O'Reilly.
Oh, uh, I see we're, uh, back in business.
Now, a little more hemoglobin, and your wife will be disrobin'.
I can't talk now.
I'm watching a play.
You want how much for a radiator? Is that new or rebuilt? There.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God, I've never felt so uncreeped-out by you! Marge, I loves youse.
Will youse be mines? I guess it is time to move on.
MOE: Before you do, I just got to warn you, Marge.
My taste for romance is kinda perverse I can only make love in the back of a hearse Plus I gotta be dressed as a Civil War nurse And then when I'm finished, I'll go through your purse But you could do worse I could do worse We're proof that you MOE: * You could do worse * MARGE: * I could do worse * She couldn't possibly do worse! Homer, does this mean you still love me? Of course I do, Marge.
Can you still love a man who's half-beer? I always have.
To love! (to Simpsons theme): * We hope you enjoyed this year's Halloween show * Treehouse of Horror, number XX! Shh! Done by mosito1001