Top Gear (2002) s21e05 Episode Script

Tonight, Richard opens a glove box, James pulls a face, and I ask an important question.
Have you ever put toothpaste on your testicles? APPLAUSE Thank you.
Hello.
Good evening! Thank you very much, everybody.
It is a big crowd tonight.
Thanks very much.
Thank you.
Now last year, the big three German car-makers, Mercedes, Volkswagen and BMW, all brought out new hot hatchbacks.
And since this is a top consumer programme full of helpful buying advice, I thought it would be a good idea to see which one of them is best.
Well, not the Mercedes, that's for sure.
This is the new four-wheel-drive A45 and it's extremely powerful extremely nice to drive and handsome as well.
But it is RIDICULOUSLY expensive.
This car, with a few options on it, is ã46,000 and that, for a hatchback, is idiotic.
It's like charging 100 quid for a sardine.
"Oh, it is a very good sardine, sir.
" I don't care how good it is.
I'm not paying 100 quid for a fish.
If, then, you have even half a droplet of common sense, you will be choosing between these two.
The BMW M135 and Volkswagen's latest Golf GTI.
Both cost around ã30,000.
Both are available with three or five doors.
Both come as standard with many things.
And both will be as reliable and as long-lasting as Edinburgh Castle.
You might think, then, that they are pretty similar.
But they're not, which is why I am in the BMW.
You see, the Golf has a two-litre four-cylinder turbocharged engine and that's very nice.
But the BMW has a three-litre six-cylinder turbocharged engine.
And that's even nicer.
Yes, the Golf is lighter.
But that is not enough to offset the 90-horsepower disadvantage.
A point I shall now demonstrate with a small race.
Front-wheel drive Golf is clinging on jolly well but frankly, it's pointless.
I can overtake any time I like.
I have the power.
And I have an eight-speed gearbox compared to his paltry six.
Yes, the Prussian aristocrat is trampling all over the lumpen people's car.
There we go.
Power! Come on! And there we are in front.
'The BMW, then, really is very fast.
' What's more, because this is the first hot hatchback for 30 years to have rear-wheel drive, you can do this.
HE LAUGHS Whoo-ha! 'So far, then, the BMW is running rings round the Golf.
'But I then line them up for a simple straight-line drag race.
'And there was a problem.
'A big one.
' Three two one! ENGINES ROAR Good noise! With this in reverse 'At this point, I was feeling confident.
'But, as I hit 120mph' This really is Oh, BLEEP BLEEP! CLUNKING AND RATTLING Yeah, you see, the Golf won that because this, well, it lost control.
That's what happened there.
Whoo! 'After this incident, I switched to the Golf GTI.
'And I decided immediately it was a lot better in every single way.
'Not only was it able to travel in a straight line 'without spinning off.
.
, 'but, thanks to its smaller engine, 'it is a lot more economical than the BMW.
'And a lot cheaper to insure.
' In fact, because Volkswagen has fitted this with a forward-facing radar system that won't let you have a low-speed crash, this GTI is in an insurance group five down from the previous model.
It would be more expensive to insure a pencil sharpener.
'So the GTI is cheaper to run and cheaper to buy 'and much better in a straight line than the BMW.
'But what if you want to transport a nuclear warhead?' Well, what we have got here in the boot of the Volkswagen is a warhead.
And as you can see, it fits perfectly.
But will it fit in the boot of the BMW? Oh, dear.
Oh, dearie me.
See, this is the problem really with rear-wheel drive.
It does rob space.
So you would have to drive along like that.
And somebody is going to notice.
Hans Blick is, for sure.
'Things are much the same when it comes to space in the cabin.
'The Golf can handle three people on the back seat easily.
' But the only way you're going to get three people in the back of the BMW is by sawing their legs off with a hammer.
This is not only complicated and messy but, in Britain at least, it's currently against the law.
Come on! The bone! One It's probably easier to buy the Golf, really.
'So the Golf is cheaper to buy and cheaper to run 'and also more practical than the BMW.
' But it's like driving around in James May's sock drawer.
Everything is exactly where you would expect it to be.
Organised.
Blue ones, brown ones, pink ones for special occasions.
'Don't think, however, because it is sensible and practical 'and economical, that it's in any way boring.
' Look.
The gear lever is a sort of golf ball shape.
You see, you Englishers, you have the ze Monty Python and ze Harry and ze Paul but ve have a sense of humour also with this.
Ja? 'There's more as well.
'Because this particular car is fitted with Volkswagen's 'optional performance pack.
'That means better brakes, more power.
A top speed of 155mph.
'And a trick front differential.
' Now we have seen clever front differentials before but nothing like this.
My foot is hard down now.
Coming round Hammerhead.
And there's no torque steer, there's no understeer You can feel the whole car being dragged in, pulled towards the apex.
I've never felt anything like it.
A baboon could get this around here as fast as the Stig.
'So there we are.
These two cars are not the same at all.
'One is brilliant in every way.
'And the other tried to kill me.
' APPLAUSE Very interesting.
Plainly the car to have there.
Oh, yes.
Really fascinating.
Just some questions raised.
Let's get this straight.
You don't like the BMW.
Because you can't drive in a straight line.
Hark who's talking! How fast did you say you were going? Walking pace, basically.
Listen, from the point where it suddenly snapped sideways for no reason, to the point where it stopped moving, we measured it.
It was over a quarter of a mile.
I could have held it, I reckon.
Could you? You just aquaplaned.
Yes, but the Golf was on the same track in the same conditions and it didn't aquaplane.
Now, the Golf didn't aquaplane because you weren't driving it.
Yes, but, Hammond, all things considered, the Golf is a better car.
Is it? It is, honestly.
The diff in it is remarkable.
Because you know when you go round a corner in a car, you go like that, yeah? And it wants to push out.
Well, in this, the faster you go, it comes in.
It's like Volkswagen has worked out a way to reverse centrifugal force.
Ah, so Volkswagen have broken science.
Yes.
With a diff? Yes.
And now, we must find out how fast these cars go round our track.
And that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that his hair is the exact same shape as a hat.
And that if he worked for CNN LAUGHTER .
.
he wouldn't get such pitifully low ratings that his show got cancelled.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All we know is he is called the Stig.
And they're off.
And for the first time this series, it is actually dry.
First straight.
Will the BMW suddenly spin off for no reason? No, it has actually made it to the first corner.
Amazing! Both turbocharged engines loving this crisp dry air and no fuss so far.
BIZARRE VOICES AND MUSIC No idea what that was.
Right, through Chicago.
Golf's traction control can't be completely switched off.
You can actually see it nipping at the brakes on the way in.
The BMW, of course, just being stupid.
Hammerhead - no real dramas there either but the Golf - yes, its magic differential casually twisting physics.
MUSIC PLAYS Right, Follow Through and yes, the BMW is trying to spin, of course.
The Golf has a nibble of traction control and then, faithful as a Labrador.
Oh, the Golf brake lights flickering there.
That is the traction control turning them on, not Stig, who is still fuming because I said a baboon could drive as fast in the Golf as him.
Right, just Gambon left.
More hooliganism from the Beemer.
And across the line! APPLAUSE I have the times here.
Come on, then.
The BMW The BMW went round in 1.
25.
1 so it is slower than the old version, which did it on a damp track.
So that's useless.
And the Golf GTI did a 1.
28.
6.
Look at that.
That's a lot slower.
Yes, yes, yes.
But look.
Astra, Megane RS, Focus.
It is right where hot hatchbacks should be.
This is just stupid.
This is much better.
And now we must do the news.
Yes, we must.
Which is difficult, because that means walking over there, which is a straight line.
You could spin off and lose it.
Thank you, Hammond.
Don't slip.
Careful.
Here she comes.
Ladies and gentlemen, will he make it? Conditions are very dry in the studio today.
Oh, no, he has only got to step to go.
Shut up.
Yes, he has done it.
APPLAUSE I thought you were going off.
Listen.
It is a tricky straight, that.
It was easy because my shoes were not made by BMW.
Really.
Good.
Now.
Do the news now, you two.
The news, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, last week you saw Richard Hammond driving a six-wheeled Mercedes-Benz but did you know they made another six-wheeled car long before that one? Like to see a picture of it? Love to.
Here it is.
Oh, right.
Did they not mention this, then? Do you know, they didn't.
How odd.
It is, isn't it, because Mercedes like to go on about their heritage and history and they didn't mention that one.
Well, perhaps they didn't mention it because it has got Hitler in it.
That is not Hitler.
It is.
It isn't.
No, that car was built long before indicators were invented so he is just the to do some hand signals.
What signal is he doing here, then, James? He's saying, "Take the Third Reich.
" LAUGHTER AND GROANS Now.
Have we got any Scottish people here? Yes! Yes! Would you like to step outside just for the next few minutes? Please.
We've got a bit of a chat.
It's about Scottish independence.
It's just that we've heard a lot of talk in recent weeks about what Scotland would lose if you choose to go on your own but nobody is talking about what England would lose.
And it is actually quite a lot.
Because we would lose North Sea oil, the sub base at Faslane, all tramps Oh, God.
LAUGHTER And we'd also lose a significant chunk of our motoring heritage and I'm not talking about the Hillmans and Talbots that were made at the Linwood plant just outside Paisley.
No, I'm talking about stuff like the mighty Argyll, Scotland's finest.
Wow! LAUGHTER Look at that MASTERPIECE! Do you know, when that car came out, it was the same price as a Ferrari 308 Mm.
.
.
and hardly anybody bought one? Really? It is remarkable because you look at that well, plastic body and you know you just look at the way the door fits.
That is a quality product.
Isn't it? Isn't it? Oh, yeah.
What engine did it have? Ah, now, it's interesting.
Engine-wise, you could have either an engine from a Lancia, a Peugeot, Renault, you could have a Buick V6 Basically, it was whatever turned up in the scrap yard that week.
Basically, yes.
Planted in there.
Well, actually, you could also have it with the option of a turbocharged Rover V8 and guess how many of those they sold? Was it none? Yes, it was none! Absolutely none at all! And I have to say, it wasn't just supercars where Scotland was ahead of the game.
They were ahead of the curve, also, with electric cars because, way back in the day, they made a little car called the Scamp.
I've got a picture of it here.
Wow! LAUGHTER Great Scott! LAUGHTER That still has the power to take your breath away, even today.
It does.
Doesn't it just? It's It's a rather tragic story, though.
It was made of aluminium and wood and it was going to be sold through Electricity Board showrooms, which I remember, actually.
But when they took it to the government test centre to get a road-worthiness certificate before they could put it on sale, there was a bit of a problem.
In one test, the government engineer noted - and I've written all the problems, here, down - "The speedo broke, the electric motor stopped working, "the back door flew open, the spare wheel fell out, "the steering went wrong and then the suspension snapped.
" LAUGHTER And that was the end of that.
Aw! And yet it looked so full of promise, didn't it, there? LAUGHTER Now, I drove my Mercedes down to the track this morning and, genuinely, the most extraordinary thing happened.
It didn't catch fire.
Really? LAUGHTER Now, James, you came down in your Fiat Panda, did you not? Yes.
Did that catch fire? Let me just think.
No.
Did it not? No, it didn't at all.
Richard, the hire car you came down in Yes?! .
.
did that burst into flames? No, it didn't.
Did it not? Why are you in a hire car? Because Porsche have told me I'm not allowed to drive my brand-new GT3 and they've taken it off me.
Oh, is this because, as we mentioned briefly last week, Porsche GT3s have been bursting into flames and now Porsche have told you you can't drive it any more? Yes, it is and you both know full well that it is! Well, that means you have no use of those oven gloves, which I can see down there, which I bought you last week.
My Porsche driving gloves.
Have they taken it away? Yes, they've taken it off me! So, you don't need those, but it's OK, Hammond, because I have got you another present.
Oh, good(!) Have you? No, Hammond, it's a 911 tailored specifically for you.
Is it(?) Yes, here it is.
Look at that.
Oh, you are literally the most amusing man in the whole world.
He is.
Even I'm Oh, no! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Look! It's OK, I've got on oven gloves.
Put it out as fast as possible! It's all right.
APPLAUSE I hate you.
LAUGHTER Right, now, em Yes, as we know, a great many people in the country are now starting to use one of these to move about.
Now, this is called a bicycle and you can tell just by looking at it that it is very dangerous and, as a result, a lot of people are being hurt in cycle-related injuries.
In the olden days, the government would have addressed this problem by making a public information film.
They used to make them about all sorts of things.
We had 'Clunk Click Every Trip', not to go near a railway, not to play near the water Yes, there was 'Don't Run'.
They never told us not to run.
They did! They did not.
I shall show you! We've got a clip here, look, watch.
FILM VOICEOVER: 'You never know what's round the corner.
'So don't run.
' GLASS SMASHES There you go.
Yes That's advice I have heeded all my life.
You really took that to heart! You haven't run since, have you? Of course not! There might be a pane of glass coming! Anyway, we don't really get these public information films any more because of budget cuts and so on, so Jeremy and I thought, to help stop cyclists being injured, it might be a good idea to bring them back.
So you two are going to make a public information film about cycling?! Yes, we are, actually.
We went to see a panel of experts at London's Westminster Council and they said they would be delighted if we made a public information film which would help cut the number of injuries and this is what CLEARS THROAT .
.
I came up with.
Here we go.
'John works hard, which means that he can afford to drive a car.
'That means he gets home to his family safely every night.
' CHILD: Daddy's home! APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
I think a work of genius, frankly.
That is terrible.
It isn't! It is! It isn't! It is.
No, it is, which is why I fired him and went and had a go at making a public information film on my own.
'Having come up with a cracking idea, 'I appointed myself as director, 'gathered together a small cast and crew, and set to work.
' The whole point of this is is to be with you on the swing and try and look doctor-ish.
That pen isn't very medical, I'm afraid.
Action.
I love it.
Golden! Yeah.
First positions, let's go again.
If you could be opposite each other on this three-pronged arrangement.
Arms out, singing in the rain.
Goodand action! Good swinging.
Nice.
I'm liking this.
'When my film was finished, Jeremy and I went to Westminster Council 'to show it to the panel of experts.
'There was Chris Boardman, policy adviser for British Cycling, 'Martin Low, City Transport Commissioner 'and Alan Kennedy, Road Safety GB.
' The good news is, we have two films for you to look at.
No, we have one.
No, two.
There's two.
Why don't you show them yours first of all, which I believe is that one there? Gentlemen, if you would like to relax whilst I just insert this in the machine.
CHILDREN'S CHATTERING VOICES Yee-hee-hee! Woo-hoo! Waaah! 'You stopped playing with children's toys when you grew up.
'So why ride a bicycle?' Oh, I did a skid! You just haven't got it, have you? Absolutely crazy.
Well, no, I can see you are disappointed, just in the way you're looking.
James, they are disappointed with your work.
May I just play you this one, if I may.
Just let me show you this one cos I think this will rectify the problem, which has begun already.
'John works hard, which means that he can afford to drive a car.
'Work harder.
Get a car.
' Terrible.
Absolutely terrible.
Sorry, that's You just got it wrong, so wrong.
Dreadfully wrong.
Where's the cyclist? Mangled at the end.
What was the brief? Well, we are trying to make cycling safer and we thought the best way to do that is to stop people cycling.
But the message you should be getting across is that people need to be considerate towards each other.
I'm not sure they are going to like our poster idea that we had as well, but we came up with that.
We did spell it wrong.
I think we are going in entirely the wrong direction.
Entirely the wrong direction.
Have you actually spoken to a cyclist? Well, no.
Well, maybe that would be a good idea, or even try it yourself.
'And so we put on some cycling clothes 'and went on a fact-finding trip 'around London's glittering West End.
' Come on, Jeremy! I'm behind you! I'll sound my bell for pedestrians.
BELL TINKLES Look at him, he's wearing normal clothing, the lunatic! You'll be killed! You're mad! You will never make it! Whoo! I nearly hit that bloke in the face.
'Our mission was to identify the dangers that cyclists face 'on the city streets and soon we spotted one.
' James, we've got to go right.
Right? There's a lot of peril involved in that.
Right Be careful, James.
There is great peril.
'So, we came up with a solution.
' What if we only went left? That's not a bad idea, actually.
You can still get where you want to go by going left.
So we go left here, yes? Yeah.
There is another little left here we can do.
Excellent.
I feel perfectly safe.
I feel completely safe.
No right turns, that's the main thing with cycling.
I reckon it improves your chances of survival by about 85%.
Definitely.
Oh, hang on.
No, I'm not sure that has worked.
I've seen Charles Saatchi having lunch five times already.
'After an hour in the saddle, 'I discovered another problem for cyclists.
' Oh, bump, bump! Really bumpy here and this is deeply uncomfortable now.
Oh! Oof! Ow! I've got to do something about my bottom, this is really uncomfortable.
'So we stopped at a bicycle shop 'where, apparently, you can buy special creams.
' Are these all to rub onto your bits? Yes, they are.
Is that normal? Yes, we even have one for women.
Are women's bottoms different to men's bottoms? I should think so.
Are they? Yes.
'Having selected the correct cream, 'I went to apply it in the changing room.
' JEREMY GRUNTS 'This made everything worse.
' Ooh! Have you ever put toothpaste on your testicles for a joke? To be honest, yes, I did, when I was a teenager.
Yes, exactly, so did I.
Do you remember the pain? Yes, I do.
Well Is that what it's like? 'James was very sympathetic.
' Goodness gracious great balls of fire! 'With the pain getting worse' Ooh! Ow! Ow! '.
.
I had to make an emergency stop.
' Please may I use your lavatories? My scrotum is on fire.
Have you ever put toothpaste on your scrotum? Ooh 'With my gentleman's area sorted, we got back on the road.
' Right, so the light just went red, so that means go when you're on a bicycle.
'And soon we were picking up valuable information.
' Taxi driver.
Very polite.
Thank you very much, sir.
Another taxi.
Extremely polite.
Thank you.
Yeah, look at that, you see, he politely let me go.
Thank you.
I've been riding now for three hours and not a single car driver has done anything annoying.
You'd imagine that cycling around Hyde Park Corner, which is what I'm doing now, would be as dangerous as juggling chain saws, but if you keep your eyes open and you are courteous it's fine.
Every car has given me a six-foot berth, taxis, vans.
Yes, all the cars and vans have been very decent.
I haven't got a complaint.
'Butthere was one type of road user who wasn't courteous at all.
' Look at this idiot! BLEEP! BLEEP! Whoa! God above! So that bus just overtook me, so I have to now go on the wrong side of the road and you get And now he's just set off! See? And I'm stuck on the wrong side of the road.
These are the problem, I've decided.
The buses.
Because all of the drivers think they are literally Lord God Almighty.
BLEEP! It's bloody murder! Now they're giving me a wide berth.
Your bus is going to kill me! You are going to kill me! Keep going! Keep going! But he is a homicidal maniac! And another one! Aargh! Aargh! No, don't do that.
Why do they put bicycles in the bus lane?! Whoa! 'And then, just to round things off' Whoa! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no! What are you doing? Look, the chain has come off.
HORNS BEEP Sorry.
HORN BEEPS I know! There's nothing much I can do, is there? Go over here.
Why can't they build a machine where the chain stays on? You've got that derailleur miles out of adjustment.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What is a de-rail-eum? It's the thing that moves the chain across.
You've bent it.
So, the gearbox on this is broken? We are going to have to sell it and buy another one.
'After James had mended my geranium, he gave me a stern lecture.
' Bicycles The reason people have accidents on bicycles is cos of things like the brakes not working, worn out wheel bearings, bad Those out of adjustment, that out of adjustment, this not tight enough.
It's really easy, bicycle maintenance, you only need about three spanners and a screwdriver.
'With the fact-finding mission over, 'we felt we had become fully paid-up members of the cycling community.
' Have you got the arts pages? Mm.
It seems to me, for our public information film, what we should do is make cycling attractive to bus passengers because then there would be no need for buses.
And they are the biggest problem on the road.
Not just for cyclists but also for cars.
Yes.
So if we get rid of buses, remove the demand for buses We get an extra lane.
.
.
everybody wins.
'A few days later, we cycled to the Top Gear office to discuss 'some new ideas for our important public information film.
' I think what that does is it dissuades people from using the bus.
Yes, but it isn't true.
It is.
It isn't.
It is, I went on a bus once and I got an eye infection.
Some people get diphtheria or rickets or scurvy.
They do.
It is nonsense, it is not going to work.
'I then showed Jeremy something I'd put together.
' ON TV: 'Hello, cyclists, 'I am here today to talk to you about bicycle maintenance.
'Let's start with the most important part of a bike.
'You simply rotate this adjuster 'until the brake blocks are almost in contact with the wheel.
'Lock it with the nut and then' '.
.
the chain and the sprockets will grind together.
'Make sure there is no play in the steering head bearings.
'If there is, if you can feel a little clunk, clunk, clunk' How much more is there of this? Well, quite a lot.
How long is this? What, a 58 minute thing?! It is more a public information documentary, if I am honest.
'Annoyingly, James's other ideas were even worse.
' Action! Why is he dressed up as Hitler? Because cyclists need to be visible.
Christ on a bike! James, you can't do that.
Yes, I can.
'As he brought out a cross, 'I left him alone and went off to work on my own.
' One of the problems I discovered on my fact-finding bike ride around London is that pedestrians simply don't hear bicycles coming.
They step off the kerb, the cyclist has to swerve into the path of a bus.
Blood, artery gush, burst, court case, murder, disaster.
Bicycles, therefore, need to be louder.
ENGINE ROARS What I have done is attached to the back of this bike a jet engine.
And now pedestrians can definitely hear me coming.
And so can other motorists.
And people in subterranean caves in other countries.
Even the profoundly deaf would know I was on my way, they would feel a disturbance in the force.
Of course, another advantage is, you don't have to do any of that annoying pedalling.
Again my genius is staggering me, it really is.
Oh, dear, I am out of fuel.
I have run out of fuel.
That is what's happened now.
Damn.
Think of it, really, as a hybrid.
There we go.
'For the rest of the day, we tried all sorts of other ideas.
' Here we go.
Ooh! What's it supposed to be? It's a cyclist after an accident.
I couldn't use an actual cyclist, could I? So for example, the double mini-roundabout, OK? So you come round here, then it is your right of way going up here.
But Action! HE SCREAMS 'After a great deal of extremely hard work, we ended up with 'a couple of films that we could take to our panel of experts.
' Before we show them to you, let me say, do you remember the early public information films from our youth? I do.
They always picked on some very specific detail.
Don't put a rug on a polished floor or don't fish under power lines.
They were very tight.
And so, we have tried to focus on very specific details of cycling that we experience.
We hope that erm This one first? Yes, I think that's OK.
'Cut the green wire.
For God's sake, do not cut the red wire.
'It is imperative to cut the green wire.
' Well, I mean I'm not sure we're getting anywhere here What are you trying to achieve with that? Cyclists jump red lights, we know this.
Everybody has seen that happen.
It is what annoys people most about bicycles.
This is making the roads a happier place because cyclists wait like they are supposed to, car drivers aren't infuriated.
And cyclists don't get knocked off or indeed blown up.
You didn't listen to what we said, did you? You said we had to make the roads a more harmonious place.
Exploding cyclists doesn't really get that message across.
You're really trying to waste our time today because that is way off.
What, you want them to jump red lights? No, we don't.
I'm talking about that commercial, it is absolutely wrong.
Well, let's try Yes.
Yes, please.
This may be more to your taste then, I think.
'I have a dream.
That all men are created equal.
'Dr Martin Luther King was shot 'and killed on the balcony of his motel in Memphis.
' Imagine there's no heaven 'The former Beatle, John Lennon, has been shot and killed in New York.
' It's easy if you try 'The righteousness of Jesus Christ.
'Jesus died on the cross for our sins.
' So this is a no, isn't it? 'And with that, it was back to the studio.
' APPLAUSE So There is no way Come on.
No.
So, you two completely cocked it up.
I don't know what was wrong with my jet bike.
Well, it was a motor on a bicycle and therefore it was a "motor" cycle.
It wasn't a motorcycle, it was superb.
How fast did it go? At one point I was clocked at 73mph.
Yes, that does sound like the top speed of a motorbike.
He is right, you know.
Thank you.
He isn't right.
And anyway, listen, eventually we did come up with a film which we think will keep that panel of experts happy.
Because, in essence, it makes everybody happy and gooey with everybody else.
Here we go, let's have a watch.
'Cyclists get wet, cold and tired.
'They turn up for work with revolting armpits.
'Their clothes are hideous, and to prevent boils and sores, 'they have to put gel on their buttocks.
'However, because three-quarters of a million people are prepared 'to go through this misery every day, there are fewer traffic jams.
'The roads are quieter 'which is good news 'for normal people.
'Cyclists.
Give them an inch because they have given YOU a mile.
' APPLAUSE No, an inch? They need 6ft.
No, Hammond, it is a figure of speech, you idiot.
I couldn't say, you know, give them The fact is, we have solved cycling.
If people weren't watching Call The Midwife on the other side tonight, there would be no more cycling-related accidents.
So, you're saying, watching Call The Midwife is now socially irresponsible? Yes.
It is.
And it is morally wrong.
Exactly.
Anyway, it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
And we are going to do something incredible.
For the next few minutes, we are going to stop your teenage daughter from texting.
And that's because my guest tonight played Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad.
CHEERING AND SQUEALING Stopped already! Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Paul! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE He's here.
How are you? What's up, buddy? How are you? I'm good, I'm good.
Hi.
I love them.
Yes, this is a big noise.
Have a seat.
All right.
Have a seat.
It is strange to have on a guest from a show that was never on British TV Yeah.
.
.
who is now in a film that isn't even out yet.
Yeah.
Everyone is screaming and yelling.
I love you all.
AUDIENCE: We love you! Let's do the film, if we may.
It is Need For Speed.
Need For Speed.
It is the story of Tobey Marshall, the guy I play.
He spends a couple of years in prison for something that he did not do, so the moment he gets out of prison it's just He is trying to right a wrong, vengeance is on his mind.
He has to try and get from the East Coast to the West Coast in less than 48 hours in a car, a very fast car.
What sort of car? It is a Shelby Mustang.
Shelby Mustang? Yeah.
Well, it can be quite fast, nice straight line.
You should be able to do that.
So it sounds like it has got Top Gear written all over it.
Yeah, he wanted to do a throwback, our director, to films that really started this genre.
Like Bullitt and Vanishing Point and Smokey And The Bandit.
Back then they couldn't rely on CG, they couldn't rely on green screen so everything you see in this movie actually happened.
There is no CGI? No CG whatsoever.
Seriously? Yeah.
Let's have a look at a clip and you will see why I am looking incredulous.
Here we go.
'They took everything from me.
'All those who defied me '.
.
shall be ashamed and disgraced.
'Those who wage war against me shall perish.
'I will find strength '.
.
find guidance.
And Iwilltriumph.
' APPLAUSE That was all for real? Yeah, it's It gets pretty violent.
So it really did do a roll? They actually did those, yes.
I presume these are body shells, they are not actual No, no, no.
.
.
million dollar cars? We consider those cars a piece of art.
But the kit cars they built were about 300,000 a piece and they just destroyed them.
That is unbelievable but forgive me, I have got to get on to Breaking Bad.
Yes.
CHEERING Thank you.
There's quite a few puzzled faces going, "What is Breaking Bad?" "What is Breaking Bad?" This is Jesse Pinkman.
As far as I am concerned, I am now talking to the world's greatest crystal meth salesman.
Yes.
LAUGHTER For those who don't know, it was about a chemistry teacher who meets a delinquent, an ex-pupil.
He's got this guy, he has been diagnosed with cancer and he thinks, "To pay for my treatment I will start making "crystal meth cos I am a chemistry teacher.
" And the series runs from there.
We don't really have crystal meth in this country.
That's great.
What is crystal meth, do you know what it is? No, not really.
I have been making it for the past six years and I have no idea what it is.
No, it is just a terrible, awful drug.
It just grabs a hold of some people and just doesn't let go.
Do you know what I loved about the show? It is the detailing in it.
And the cars you all drove.
Yes, they are incredible.
Who chose those? It was all Vince Gilligan.
He is the creator of the show, his attention to detail is just incredible.
There is this famous conversation he had for two hours about the certain colour of red nail polish that was going to go on Skyler's toenails.
He was going to get the cars right because Walter, who is the chemistry teacher, has a Pontiac Aztek.
Yes.
Never been sold here but it was probably the worst car.
It is just such a sad car.
Look at it.
Look at that, it is just so sad.
It is a sign that your life has gone terribly, terribly wrong.
It was interesting with you because you started out with a Chevy Monte Carlo, wasn't it? Yes.
When you were a delinquent.
But when you became more and more successful, switched to the Toyota Tercel.
Look at that.
I actually wanted that car so bad when we wrapped.
Were you able to keep it? No, they didn't allow me to take it.
Why not? It is worth 32.
That is shocking, but it is that attention to detail which I absolutely adored, I really did.
Now, more questions about Breaking Bad, which fascinates me.
About American television.
We know that US networks, they are brutal.
One minute LAUGHTER You've got a chat show Um LAUGHTER Who are you talking about? Did you know Piers Morgan? Oh, yeah! Yeah.
I had a feeling you were talking about him.
Where I was going, really - you have got these US networks, presumably Breaking Bad was only ever going to be one series.
They would have only commissioned one, to see how it works? Yeah.
Every network passed on Breaking Bad initially.
HBO Showtime, everyone.
And then AMC decided to give it a shot.
With one series? With one pilot.
And then they had to see how that was, how it turned out.
I mean, we were lucky we even stayed on the air because our ratings weren't that great.
But the critics loved us.
So No, it was very clever.
Absolutely brilliant.
Thank you.
Now, your cars in real life - not a Toyota Tercel? You started out with a Toyota, I believe? I did, I started out with an '82 Toyota Corolla.
Mm-mm(!) Yeah.
It was beautiful.
Was it(?) Faded gold.
Any time it rained, the trunk would fill up with water, stick shift.
But I loved that car.
Stick shift And I bought a Toyota Forerunner.
It's getting worse.
And then I bought an old classic car.
OK, which is? A '65 Shelby Cobra.
Really? Oh! We could have You know, you see The Shelby Cobra Oh, there it is.
That is actually that is you in it! That is my car.
I only take it It is my weekend car, I take it along the coast.
But if you are driving in a parking lot, it sets off the alarms.
I love doing that.
It's great.
It's fantastic.
They are absolutely fabulous.
My daughter is going to be mental now, because that is her favourite car and her favourite actor driving it.
I love your daughter.
Yeah.
No, you don't.
Um LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, now.
Obviously you came down here This is ballsy, I've got to say, because you have come down here to do your lap, which is quite brave.
Yeah.
Let's see how I did.
I mean, I don't know.
It was fun.
Shall we have a look at the lap? Oh, God! AUDIENCE: Yeah.
Here we go.
ENGINE SCREAMS TYRES SCREECH Wow, that is a brutal start.
All right, I just don't want to get last.
Setting high goals for myself.
Not to get last.
No, it's OK, because for the first time ever this year, the weather is good.
TYRES SCREECH That thing does grip well.
Here we go.
Yeah.
It's OK, it's OK.
Yeah.
Come on.
Tongue out.
Oh, that is a very good line around there.
Thank you.
Very nice.
The dreaded Hammerhead, I hate this turn.
OK, OK That is heavy braking you are giving it there! Yeah.
Well, you know.
Oh, that is very, very neat and tidy.
Come on, you .
.
bitch! LAUGHTER We knew it! No way were you going to get round the lap without saying THAT! Ooh, the comfortable line, missing the apex.
Second-to-last corner, this catches Well, that was absolutely bob on.
Now, Gambon, again kissing everything perfectly and you cross the line! CHEERING Ah-h-h Well, now.
These are the wet times.
You will not be last, because Jack Whitehall, bless him, he had never driven before.
So you will not be lower than him.
OK, good.
So, where do you think you came? I have no idea.
I want to be above James Blunt.
James Blunt was 1.
49.
4.
That is FW, which stands for flipping wet.
So you are definitely going to the above him.
So come on, be reasonable.
I mean, I would like to be towards the top, but That is the 1.
45 region.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know Do you know, I was just about to say, "Well, Jesse Pinkman" But I won't.
Aaron Paul.
Yes.
1 forty .
.
4 AUDIENCE: Ooh! Oh! .
.
7.
That is the best we've ever had! CHEERING Number one.
Come here.
Yes! Wow! That's good.
Good man.
Yes! The fastest man ever to take the Astra around the track.
That's amazing.
Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Paul! CHEERING Now, that is going to take some beating! This is the ã650,000 Porsche 918.
It is insanely fast.
It's rammed full of technology and most importantly, it is a hybrid.
In many ways, then, exactly the same as the McLaren P1 that Jeremy fell in love with a few weeks back.
The big question, though Is it any good? No! LAUGHTER When Jeremy tested the P1, he took it to the Spa racetrack in Belgium.
My F1 track may not have that pedigree, but at this place, at least the fun doesn't stop when the sun goes down.
The Abu Dhabi circuit is also famed for having a 1.
2km straight, one of the longest anywhere.
Seems like a good place to start.
Let's make some noise.
ENGINE ROARS TYRES SCREECH Oh, that is breathtaking! Oh, ha-ha-ha! Boom! Yee-nar! Big speed! Braking Oh, that is That is acceleration unlike anything else.
I know Jeremy's head was blown off by the speed of that P1, but I absolutely cannot believe that it felt any faster than this.
It can't have done.
'Like the McLaren, the 918 has a joint strike force of petrol engine 'and electric motors working together.
' It's that electric power that gives it so much punch off the line.
I have 500 foot-pound of torque at 800rpm.
800! The 458 doesn't have 500 torques at any rpm.
It just wakes up, it's like a sprinter falling out of bed and going straight into a world record while the others are eating cornflakes and thinking about having a poo.
'The petrol engine, which sounds ungodly through those 'top-mounted exhausts, 'is a 612 horsepower 4.
6 litre V8.
' On the topic of power and performance, the 918 and the P1 can trade punches all day long.
The 918 can't match the P1's top speed, 218 compared to 211.
'But I get to 60 quicker.
I've got 875 brake horsepower and the P1 has 903, but I've got more torque.
And on and on and on it goes.
It's King Kong versus Godzilla.
'There are some areas, though, 'where the 918 definitely has the P1 on the ropes.
'It can retrieve energy generated by braking 'and feed it back into the batteries.
'The roof lifts out so you can enjoy some open-top cruising.
'And inside, you get some actual creature comforts, 'like electric seats and an 11-speaker sound system.
'You don't get either of those on a P1.
' I am not one to gloat, but hello, glove box, yeah? And then this centre console, from where I can control the top screen.
That does many things up there.
And then over 800 functions can be controlled from the touch-sensitive screen down here.
Maybe I can go online and order Jeremy a set of spanners to adjust the seat on his P1.
Look up "old-fashioned" for me.
'In addition to the wealth of on-board amusements, 'the 918 also has many driving modes.
' Right now, I am in fully electric mode.
And I can whisper around like this for 18 miles, compared to the P1's seven.
But if I go down here, I can select hybrid.
And that allows it to alternate between petrol and electric in the most efficient way.
Or we've got sport mode, where we have petrol power all the time.
But, I'm here on this racetrack, so let's go one further.
Put it in race mode.
'Now the petrol engine is top dog.
'The electric motors are acting as its wingmen.
' It's time to attack some corners.
Hell's bells! That grip! God, this thing corners - and I mean it - flat! Totally flat.
And there is none of that bottom-clenching terror Jeremy talked about in the P1.
'Partly, that is because where the P1 is rear drive only, 'the 918 has four-wheel-drive and four-wheel steering.
' I think in essence yes, the P1 is more a proper fighter pilot, seat-of-the-pants staff.
This is altogether more civilised.
But that does not mean it's boring, because it just isn't.
The back end crates away like a rear-wheel-drive car.
Ha-ha-ha! What a thing! 'But even though the 918 is more grown-up than the P1, 'it can still boast some pretty exciting achievements.
' The fact is, this car has lapped the Nurburgring in 6 minutes 57 seconds.
That is faster than any other road-legal production car.
To put it into context, a hard-core Lexus LFA did it in 7 minutes 14 seconds.
The mighty Nissan GTR was almost half a minute slower.
As for the P1, McLaren are saying it has gone round in under seven minutes, but they're not saying an actual time.
I don't know, maybe they lost the piece of paper it was written on.
Or something.
'With daylight coming, I locked up, 'left the keys to the circuit under the mat 'and went in search of breakfast.
'Full of awe for this incredible machine.
' Here I am with 875bhp, a 4.
6 litre V8 that sounds ENGINE ROARS .
.
like that.
And yet the CO2 emissions are lower than a Toyota Prius.
And certainly, much lower than a P1.
I don't know, this is just all round a more impressive achievement.
It is more of its time.
To put it another way, McLaren have used hybrid technology to liven up a supercar today.
Porsche have used hybrid technology to save the supercar for tomorrow.
This is an important car.
CHEERING Oh, yeah.
There it is.
I'm amazed it didn't catch fire.
Shut up.
Never mind that.
Now, listen, Hammond.
In that film, you said there is none of the bottom-clenching terror when you drive this that you get in a McLaren P1.
How do you know? You haven't driven a McLaren P1.
I know that because after you had driven the McLaren P1, you said it was a day of bottom-clenching terror.
I did, a bit.
But I was driving in the pouring rain at Spa.
You were in Abu Dhabi, bone dry, and with eight mile run-offs on all the corners.
The fact is, the 918 can handle its power better.
Its dribble of power.
It has barely got enough to get out of its own way.
And how do you know that? Because you haven't driven the Porsche.
Because Porsche won't let me.
Yes, because they know, Jennifer, you can't drive in a straight line.
We've seen it.
At least I didn't write a book about it.
And try to milk the moment.
Enough, enough, enough.
Let me interrupt with the solution to all this.
Because later on in the year, hopefully, we are going to make a special Top Gear programme.
One in which Richard and Jennifer bring the Porsche 918 and the McLaren P1 down to our track and we will see which is the fastest.
Should be quite good, actually.
Hopefully, we will be able to put together June, July sometime, around then.
And it'll basically be England versus Germany.
But before then, in fact, starting next weekend, we have our all-new, two-part, Top Gear Christmas special.
Yet, it is a bit late, we're sorry.
A bit late, yes.
It's an Easter special.
Whatever.
The three of us are told to build a bridge over the River Kwai.
But first, we have to get there.
And that means driving all the way across Burma in lorries that we bought from the Internet unseen for a few hundred quid.
And on that BURMA-shell There it is.
.
.
it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching.
Good night.
CHEERING