Doctor Who (1963) s22e09 Episode Script

Ow! Ooh! Pretty, pretty! Here, my pretty one! Steady, my little beauty! Come to Shockeye! What a fine fleshy beast! Just in your prime and ripe for the knife! Pity it's not a jack! Still Varl, inform Chessene that we have another Time Lord for our collection.
Very good, sir.
I am Group Marshal Stike, Commander of the Ninth Sontaran Battle Group.
A long way from the war, aren't you, Stike? Going badly, is it? On the contrary.
And thanks to the information you gave me, I shall be back in time for the crucial battle.
My money's still on the Rutans.
Into the machine, Time Lord! Why? Oh, of course.
You don't really expect me to give the Sontarans the power of unlimited time travel, do you? Do it or your comrade dies! Get in! Satisfied? - So, the machine is now primed? - Yes.
Excellent.
I shall now execute your comrade.
Wait! That's why you Sontarans have no allies! - You can't be trusted! - We have no need of allies! Sontaran might is invincible! Agh! Run, Jamie! - Who has done this to you, Stike? - A Time Lord.
Impossible! How could the Time Lords have traced us? It's the truth.
I did not do this to myself! The Doctor's companion at the Space Station had a knife like that.
- Doctor! - Jamie! There you are, Jamie! Snap! I've come a long way for you! Naturally.
Don't expect any thanks.
Someone's coming! - Too late! - Up the stairs! Extemporise! Wake up, old Time Lord.
Supper will soon be served! They've escaped.
Typical cowardice! They'll come back.
They have to.
Dastari, come with me.
Stike, you and Varl search the area.
That Androgum has given its last order! - Sir? - I have outwitted Chessene.
The time module is now fully operational, Major Varl, so you and I can return to our unit.
Excellent news, sir! Come! Now that the Time Lords have located us, we must move quickly.
- The operation cannot be hurried.
- I'm aware of that.
I have a contingency plan.
- It's been in my mind for some time.
- What contingency plan? I want you to turn this Time Lord into an Androgum.
You could do that, I know.
Well, if I had the genetic material.
- Take it from Shockeye.
- Shockeye? I want you to make a consort for me.
Leave him the power of time travel.
Leave the symbiotic nuclei within him, but turn him into an Androgum by blood and by instinct.
How long would that take? Not long.
Two simple operations.
The first to implant the genetic material, and then a second operation to stabilise his condition.
Good.
Then that is what we shall do.
Shockeye! Help Dastari get the Doctor back to the operating theatre.
Let me trim the beast first.
It won't take long.
Later, Shockeye.
Dastari wants to operate immediately.
If you say so! - Orders.
- Yes, sir.
Return to the craft and contact Sontaran High Command.
Report that we have possession of a functioning time-space machine.
Request permission to use it to rejoin our unit in the Madillon Cluster.
Yes, sir! That done, set the craft to self-destruct.
I intend to leave no one alive here.
No! You know what they've cooked up for you, Shockeye? No! I don't want to be turned into an Androgum! Chessene! - Peri, can you stand? - Oh, my head! - What happened? - Can you stand? - Yes, I think so.
- Come on.
Let's get out of here! How long? A few minutes.
It's the same operation I've performed many times on you.
This time you are taking from an Androgum rather than augmenting one.
The principle is the same.
What will you do when Stike discovers the plan's been changed? I have no further use for Stike.
He and his underling must be destroyed.
- They've still got the Doctor! - And they're turning him into an Androgum! - How long will it take? - Dastari said two operations.
- Stike should have acted by now.
- How? He has a functioning time machine.
I'd expect him to kill Chessene and Dastari before he leaves.
- Why isn't my plan working? - Your plan? Someone of Stike's build can't sneak up behind me without my hearing them! You knew he was there! That's why I said what I did.
None of it was strictly true, but he believed it because I was talking to you.
- But the machine worked! I saw it.
- It worked for ME.
But it won't work for him because I have the briode nebuliser! I've given the Time Lord a 50 per cent Androgum inheritance.
Within an hour, that will become the dominant genetic factor.
- I can then stabilise his cell structure.
- We must deal with the Sontarans.
- How? - Coronic acid kills them.
We have no coronic acid.
I had three canisters prepared before we left the station, just in case.
Chessene .
.
you have betrayed me! You have fouled the blood of the Quancing Grig! - Capercaillies in brandy sauce! - What? With a stuffing of black pudding made of live pig's blood, herbs and pepper! And the breast of the bird should be slit and studded with truffles! - You know the cuisine of this planet? - Of course I do.
I have eaten pressed duck at the Tour d'Argent.
They are fed only on corn, fruit pulp and molasses.
They are exquisite, Shockeye! Why am I thinking of food? Because you are now an Androgum! Can you lead me to one of these eating places to sample the local dishes? Of course I can, but you will need proper clothes.
A collar, a neck-tie at least.
I know where there are clothes! At last! Action, I think.
Stike! Varl! This way.
Not yet.
Chessene first.
She's more dangerous.
- What is it, Dastari? - The Time Lord has returned.
He's in the passage.
Chessene's waiting in the cellar.
If you go in this way, we have him trapped.
A double double-cross! Gets more interesting by the minute! Agh! - Looks like Chessene's won! - Yeah.
Doctor! Quail pâté, I think, Shockeye! Followed by a bisque de crevettes! - Now where are they going? - They look quite pally! - Where have they gone? - They're hunting food.
- If the Doctor isn't stabilised - He'll reject the transfusion.
- We must find them! - Wait! On Earth, there is little hunting.
The Doña Arana remembers many restaurants in Seville.
That is where they shall be.
Come! Treacherous hag! I shall return to destroy this Androgum filth! Tell me, on this planet, do they ever eat their own? I believe in the far Indies, it has been known, but I remember a dish, shepherd's pie Shepherd's pie? A shepherd! Can't we walk quicker? Wait! There's a machine coming.
- Can you drive this machine? - Of course I can! Get in, my friend.
We shall be in Seville in five minutes! I can't believe my Doctor just stood there and let a man get killed! He's 80 per cent Androgum.
By the time the effect reaches me, it'll be close to 100 per cent.
- Reaches you? - It will unless we can save him.
I'm already beginning to feel changes.
Eh?! Well, come on, then! My space craft! We'll never find him here, Doctor! - It's too big.
- Look! They can't be more than a minute ahead of us.
This way, I think.
How do you know? Peri, it IS me we're following! - I still don't understand it.
- What? That you and the Doctor, my Doctor, are the same person.
Of course we're the samebut different.
See how my sartorial taste has improved, for instance! How can two of you be together at the same point in space and time? When you travel around as much as I do, you're bound to run into yourself at some point! Come on.
Personally, I have never seen the necessity for starting a meal with - What was your word? - Hors d'oeuvres.
Quite unnecessary, in my opinion.
Eight or nine main dishes are quite enough in my opinion.
Well, on this planet, it is the custom.
The greatest chefs agree - Brillat-Savarin, the noble Escoffier - they agree one should begin with a light dish.
Something to bring relish to the appetite.
Pâté de foie gras de Strasbourg en croûte! Or a serving of Belon oysters! Even a light salad with artichoke hearts and country ham will suffice.
It gets the digestive juices flowing! - How much further is this place? - Just round the next corner if I remember.
They're checking the restaurants.
Something I should have thought of.
Come on.
Let's find them before Chessene does.
Juan, can you see to table six? Welcome to Las Cadenas, señors.
How delightful to see gentlemen of the old school.
May I enquire if you have a booking? Booking? I want food! No reservation? Well, come this way.
Fortunately, I have an excellent table for you.
Do you serve humans here? Most of the time, sir.
Yes, I think I could venture to say that most of our customers are certainly human! I mean human meat, you fawning imbecile! No, sir.
The nouvelle cuisine has not yet penetrated this establishment.
Juan - No luck? - No.
Just a load of tourists eating paella and chips.
They'd have gone for somewhere more elaborate.
What's wrong? - There's a cat! - What about it? Well, they say there's more than one way to cook a cat! Here, pussy! Doctor, what are you doing? They can make quite good eating! Small mammals are quite flavoursome when baked.
What are you saying? I don't understand.
I knew it would happen! - I'm turning into an Androgum! - You can't! You're not an Androgum, you're a Time Lord! Pull yourself together! Yes.
Yes, that's right.
I'm a Time Lord.
- Do you feel better now? - Yes.
Yes, I'm all right.
For the moment.
What on earth have they had? Nobody can run up a bill for 81,600 pesetas! What? Let me see.
They've had lobster, clams and squid, brains in white sauce, two whole suckling pigs, a ham with figs, eight steaks and an entire family paella! A whole paella? That's 12 servings! They've just ordered 12 breasts of pigeon, probably to help down the last of their 12 bottles of wine! What a gargantuan repast! It's incredible! And they're still eating! They've covered that way, so we'll go this.
I think they should start paying now, Oscar.
Yes.
Well, leave it to me.
- Was everything to your satisfaction? - Tolerable.
It's been a pleasure to see such dedicated trenchermen enjoying their food.
Unfortunately, the reckoning is rather high! - What is this? - It's the amount you owe, sir.
- Do you understand this? - He's asking for money.
Money? Tokens of exchange.
- This is our tally? - Yes, sir.
- Here.
- Keep the change.
I'm sorry, sir.
I can see you're a wit as well as a bon vivant, but this, whatever it is, is not acceptable.
That is a 20-narg note! - It's valid anywhere in the nine planets! - It's not acceptable here.
- Las Cadenas! - Las Ca-de-nas! - Isn't that where Oscar works? - I think that was the name.
There are more restaurants here than you'd find fleas on a dog! Dog? Where? Oscar, you must stop them.
Yes, yes, I must.
Gentlemen, if this is a joke, it has gone on long enough.
We can accept any recognised credit card.
I will pay you with this! Your whining importunacy has acidised my digestive juices! Agh! - Oscar! - What happened? Officer! Promptly on the scene as always! Let me see that.
A ridiculous thing to happen.
Unhappy customers usually just don't leave a tip! Doctor? You're going to be all right.
I phoned for the ambulance.
No No, I fear this is Botcherby's last curtain call.
No one will never see my definitive Hamlet now.
We will! We'll all be there on the first night, Oscar! To die, to sleep To sleep, perchance to dream - Where are you, Anita? - I'm here! Please take care of my beautiful moths.
Goodnight, sweet Prince.
Doctor, just look at the Doctor! His face! - Can you walk? - Walk? Of course I can walk! Right.
Come on.
I am a police officer.
Come along with me, sir! What is this? Who do I think you are? We'd better go.
- Now, you come along with me, sir! - How dare you?! Let go of me! - This way! - No, this way! - Now, look.
You got me into this mess! - Will you please stop squabbling? We'll go this way.
No! You'll come this way! We have some unfinished business to attend to.
My word, what a mess! I think perhaps, Dastari, you ought to sack your chatelaine Shockeye! What has happened here? It seems that Group Marshal Stike vaporized his space craft and himself.
I found this.
- So he survived the coronic acid.
- Obviously.
Down to the cellars.
You know the way, I think.
The control box has been moved.
Is it damaged? The briode nebuliser is missing.
Do you mean this? Why did you remove it? Because it contains my symbiotic print.
- Return this to the machine.
- How did your imprint get into this? Stike forced me to prime and use the machine.
There is a simple way of testing whether you are still trying to deceive us.
Come, girl.
Now we shall see.
There you are.
Kartz and Reimer's subjects always vapourised into the time stream.
Peri won't.
And she hasn't any symbiotic nuclei, I can assure you.
Out! Satisfied? Dastari, chain these creatures up.
Chain us up? After I've handed you the secret of time travel on a plate! Come on, Chessene.
Where's your gratitude? Dastari.
Come on.
Ooh, madam, before we leave, let me cook one of the humans.
Didn't you sate your appetite sufficiently in the city? A mere snack.
You promised we could have a human before leaving Earth! Well, if it would please you.
Take the one in the skirt.
He is the youngest of the jacks.
Thank you, madam! - Get your hands off me! - Steady, my beauty! Oh, there's some juiceful meat on this one, Chessene! Jamie! You might at least say goodbye! You're almost as clever as I am! What does he mean? I presume you've sabotaged the briode nebuliser? - Pared the interface.
- Precisely what I would have done.
But it worked, didn't it? I left a thin membrane so that it would work once.
- I knew she'd want to test it! - There's no need to be so smug.
- We've got to rescue Jamie! - Can you reach that wheelchair? - I'm not elastic! - You'll reach it with your feet if you try.
Good girl! - What's the idea? - Push it over towards him.
Why? He's not going anywhere in it! Come along! That's it! - What do you think? - It might work.
It's worth a try.
Easy Easy does it Well done! Never mind me, help him! The key! - What are you doing? - Tenderising the meat.
See how the flesh is marbling? That's the fatty tissue breaking up.
You should kill him first, surely? It works better on a live animal.
- Aagh! - It looks very painful.
That's simply a nervous reflex.
I've been butchering all my life.
Primitive creatures don't feel pain in the way that we would.
Now, this is the part, I always say, where you can tell a butcher from a botcher! The meat should always have a clean edge.
One of the Time Lords has escaped! You didn't fasten the manacle! - I did! - Don't argue! It's vital that he be caught and killed! To kill a Time Lord would destroy everything we've achieved! The Gallifreyans have powers we've not even dreamed of.
Kill him, I tell you! KILL HIM! This will only take a few minutes.
We could have the saddle and haunches for supper.
Never mind that now, Shockeye! I want that Time Lord found! Jamie! Can you hear me? Jamie! Wake up! I thought you might return to help the primitive! Agh! - Shockeye! The Time Lord! - I know, madam.
I wounded him! Look! Then follow his blood trail.
Kill him, Shockeye.
Certainly, madam! Right! I'll have that Shockeye, so I will! Come along, Peri.
It's time we were off.
Chessene wants me to kill you.
Your run is nearly ended, Time Lord! Give up, Time Lord! You cannot escape Shockeye o' the Quancing Grig! The blood is warm and salt, Time Lord! I know how near you are! Your just desserts! I remember it very clearly, Doctor.
There speaks the real Dastari.
My old friend! I ordered you to kill these two.
Why are they still alive? There's been enough killing, Chessene, and it's my fault.
I took an Androgum, a lowly, unthinking creature of instinct, and tried to set her among the gods! I put myself among the gods! I shall liberate my people.
We shall reign over all other beings! Stop! Agh! Is she dead? Very.
Molecular disintegration.
Horrible! - That's it, then.
- Except for that Shockeye! He's beenmothballed That's a mess! It'll take you quite a while to put that back together again! That will not be necessary.
A Stattenheim remote control! I've always wanted one of those! Some of us have earned these little privileges! - Jamie - After you, Doctor.
No, after you, Jamie.
- Goodbye, Peri.
- Bye.
- Doctor.
- Keep an eye on the old gentleman, will you? Do try to keep out of my way in future and in past, there's a good fellow.
The time continuum should be big enough for both of usjust! I preferred you as an Androgum! Of all the conceited ingrates! He almost succeeded in concealing my natural charm! Was that your Tardis? I don't understand.
How can it be in two places at the same time? That's the whole point.
It's not in two places at the same time.
My Tardis is five minutes' walk from here.
After you.
No, after you.
No, after you! Doctor, we're not going fishing again, are we? No.
From now on, it's a healthy vegetarian diet for both of us!