The Simpsons s22e13 Episode Script

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (snap, Homer yells) (groans) You! DEAN MARTIN: You're nobody Till somebody Loves you You're nobody Till somebody cares (cat yowls) (dog barks) (shouting gibberish) (shouting gibberish) (car meows) (speaking gibberish) (speaking gibberish) Da-yee (speaking gibberish) (fierce snarling and yowling) (door creaks) You know, I love our Valentine's Day tradition of going out with each other's sisters.
Is there anything better than my best friend's face on a girl body? Not that I can think of.
Nothing better.
Boy, I love Valentine's Day.
Stir a drop of Jagermeister into some pink lemonade, slice in some strawberry ChapStick, Mmm call it Cupid's ambrosia, and you can charge up to the wazoo.
(laughs) Now all you need are customers.
Well, better get home to the little woman.
(chuckles) (door creaks) Do you have plans for tonight? What, are you crazy? Of course I do.
Got a hot date.
Come on, scram, so I can get ready.
I'm telling you, I'm fine.
I never been happier.
See? There.
There, that's a smile, right? Showing teeth, eyes all crinkly.
(sobbing) Hey, hey, stop opening doors! TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on World of War, Hmm? "Hitler and Eva Braun: Crazy in Love.
" (changes channel) Even you let me down, Hitler! MAN: Hey, you! Spending Valentine's Day by yourself? Huhza? If you're watching this alone, your love life is like Sister Act 3-- no Whoopi! I knew my love life was like that movie somehow.
Well, I'm gonna tell you my secrets right now if "right now" means tomorrow night at my seminar at the Springfield Airport Motor Lodge.
So, if you're ready to turn from couch potato to sex tornado, come and see me, Dr.
Kissingher.
Eh, what have I got to lose.
They say for every man somewhere on Earth there's one woman.
(alarm clock buzzing) (gasps) Homer! We only have five minutes until the school bus comes.
(gasps) Drive my kids to school! Never! (yells, grunts) Stupid double snuggler's hitch! (grunting) Only hope is to chew off my leg! Ow! Ow! Mmm, not bad.
(grunting) Just 127 more hours.
(humming) Wha? (dramatic music plays) (gasps) My first gray hair! (chuckles) Oh, Marge, don't worry.
A lot of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the '80s.
Homie, you always mean to say the nicest things.
Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time.
(chuckles) Uh, excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up free escorts? Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.
Well, I got excited for nothing.
MAN (over speakers): Gentlemen, (disco music playing) prepare for the potentate of the potent date, the know-it-all of the protocol of the booty call, Dr.
Kiss ing her! (cheering and hooting) Once we were single-celled organisms who could replicate whenever we wanted.
(shouting, cheering) We were men back then! But today we need more help.
Who's first? You! The guy who's been here since 3:00 this afternoon.
It's hell to meet girls when you're paid in chickens.
Okay, I'm a sexy girl, and research shows that my decision to sleep with you happens in the first 6.
5 seconds.
Go! Eh, my name's Willie, and, uh, all I do is get drunk and kill squirrels with me shovel.
Okay, now I'll translate that into romance language.
Hi.
I'm William.
I'm a connoisseur of fine spirits, and I love animals to death.
Do me next! Do me next! Ah! A monster! Save me! (chuckles) Sorry, that was unprofessional.
Please, go on.
Name's Moe Szyslak.
As a kid, I had roundworm.
Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years.
I dabbled in Satanism until I was asked to leave.
Oh, and one month, I ate nothing but aquarium fish.
(sighs) Your only hope is to use a wingman.
Uh, what's a wingman? A wingman is a friend Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now I got to find a friend? You need someone who's secretly on your side, making you look good to women.
But he can't more handsome or appealing than you.
Okay, let's take a flip through the old Moe-lodex.
Ooh.
Bingo.
That was a weird day.
Sir, would you be my wingman? We could try it out this weekend at the "Faculty Follies" after-party.
One thing-- what if there's a woman we both like? Well, we'll use the time-honored "I saw her first" rule.
What if I see her hand at the same time you see her face? Face beats hand! So, after dinner I cut his hair, and he readjusted my mortgage.
(giggles) That's what he does.
And how was your Valentine's Day? Very romantic.
Homer had the basketball game muted the whole time.
Oh, and then I found a gray hair-- no big deal.
Mmm.
Marge, it's time I told you the truth.
You've been grayer than a Seattle Cinco de Mayo for years now.
Really? Yes, the dye not only colors your hair, but the fumes wipe the experience from your mind.
Jimothy, Aquanetta, is touch-up time! Gloves and foil, people! Let's go! Crinkle, crinkle! (gasps) Whoa! Whoa! (water running, Marge whimpers) Oh, Janis, I'm so sorry.
Can we reschedule? It's a battle of the Blue and Gray here, and I am Gaybraham Lincoln, baby.
Oh, that's okay.
I only needed a touch-up.
My husband and I can use the time to take a long, romantic walk.
Hmm, she doesn't seem so worried about her gray hair.
Oh, her self-confidence doesn't come from a bottle.
Now, let's rub this toxic blue goo onto your scalp.
Mm-hmm.
A little of that.
Mix it up.
Mm-hmm.
(worried moan) Hmm.
(moans) (door closes) MARGE: I brought home fried chicken.
And a completely new hairstyle.
(gasping) A completely new hairstyle.
So, what do you think? (alarm buzzing, siren wailing) She wants an honest answer.
What do we do? I don't know.
I don't know! We could fake a stroke.
The last time we faked a stroke, it led to a real one.
We're running out of time, people.
We need an answer, and it has to be great! So chicken.
Hmm.
EXECUTIVES HOMER'S HEAD: D'oh! Well, what do you kids think of the real me? Huh? I love it.
I know I use the word "empowering" a lot, but this time, it really is that.
I just have one question about hair.
Where does mine start? Head, head, head, hair.
Where's the border? Oh, my God.
Me, too! What are we? What do you think, Homie? Sweetie, you've always been beautiful, but now you're my silver belle.
Let me get the camera we use for precious moments and insurance claims.
(anguished grunt) What has she done? I feel like I'm married to Richard Gere.
(phone rings) I can't talk now.
I'm talking to myself.
No, no, Homer.
Go ahead.
Thanks, Homer.
It'll just ba a minute.
What's up? Hey, wingman, you're supposed to be here like you promised.
Oh, thank you, prior obligation.
(engine roaring, tires squealing) (gasping) I can't take it.
I'm just going to draw a hairline on.
(electrical crackling) HOMER: So, basically, my job is to make you look good by comparison.
Like West Virginia does for Virginia.
(Homer chuckling) The good doctor has just the prescription.
"Jumping on the Grenade:" the wingman engages the less attractive friend, isolating the target.
Voop! You ever notice that pizzas have gotten so small lately? They're like dimes.
Yes, that's exactly it! Well, a girl could starve to death! Wow, your friend did something I could never do.
What's that? Walk away from you.
(grunts excitedly) "Taking Down a Rival," aka "Talk Blocking.
" (mimics machine powering down) So, Lenny, ever get that rebar out of your head? No, they just sawed off the ends and painted over the nubs.
Hey, where you going, baby? Oh, no, you don't.
Nice talk-blocking.
Would you be willing to wingman for me? Well, I don't know.
It's a lot of work.
Oh, I just ordered this bottomless pitcher of beer and circumference-less platter of nachos.
Deal! Need some cooling down, hot stuff? (Homer shrieks) Okay, just imagine she's a Bond girl.
Oh! Judi Dench?! Kiss me, 007.
(laughing) Good show, Mr.
Bond.
(laughs) (wind whistling) Help! My macaroni Marconi! Hmm? (Lisa and Marge panting) Bart, what happened to your Mom's hair? Did she see something scary like that vampire on Sesame Street? They should warn you when he's coming.
I don't want to talk about my Mom's hair.
Right.
It's just weird.
Normally, I think your mom is hot Take that back! I'm sorry.
What I mean is, she's not hot anymore.
Take that back! (grunting) So moody! Just like my mom on her "can't dance" days.
(grunting) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Huh.
Let's see what cousin Jessica's up to.
There's a woman who's got it all under control.
Hmm? (gasps) Ooh! Marge, your hair-- it's fantastic! Well, thank you.
No, thank you for your bravery.
(grumbles) I hope I look half as good as you when I give up.
Such audacity! Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever box.
(grumbles) You can't listen to those women, Mom.
Change threatens them.
They didn't like it when the Springfield Shopper started printing in color.
Neither did I.
I didn't want to know what color the Statue of Liberty was.
But you know what? I was wrong.
And these ladies are, too.
(beeping) Ma'am, do you have any kind of a discount card? What kind of card? Well, you know, maybe you belong to the A.
A The A.
A.
? No! Oh, no, I meant the A.
A A.
A.
A.
? No, I'm not in Triple-A.
I don't like their Westways magazine.
They'll give four diamonds to any place that's got a lid on the toilet.
No, I meant the A.
A R P?! (gasps) The A.
A.
R.
P.
?! Well, that tears it.
I don't want this milk, and I'm not gonna take it back.
That's okay.
We have a young man who does that for you.
Oh, right here, ma'am.
Oh, boy, a put-back! I hope it takes me by the freezer section.
Stick my head in the pizza case, it's like a ski vacation! I can imagine the pepperonis are Swiss chalets nestled in a big layer of mozzarella snow! Bart, eyewitnesses to your fight described you as "berserkoid," "totally aggro," and said you punched Milhouse, "like, 50 billion times.
" That's an excessive number of times.
What's bothering you, son? I-I don't want to talk about it.
Thank God.
I don't want to, either.
Remember, Bart, anything you say here is confidential.
Can we close the door? Oh, there is no door.
State regulations.
Hey, Bart! Still freaking out 'cause your mom aged 30 years in a day? Don't judge them too harshly.
They recently learned they were once two-thirds of conjoined triplets.
And the third one is out for revenge.
Now, Bart, share your most intimate thoughts with me.
I don't think I want to.
Oh.
Well, maybe it'd be easier for you to talk to my colleague, Dr.
Thera-bear.
Well Hold on.
I'm not allowed in the room while you talk to the bear.
(humming) All right, I know there's a camera in you somewhere.
(grunting) They never think to look behind the jazz-fest poster.
So it's true.
Your hair committed blue-icide.
(laughter) I thought you'd be more supportive.
I mean, you went gray yourselves.
No, we didn't.
This is just smoke and ash.
So what does your husband, Vidal Baboon, think of the new look? He loves it! He calls me his silver belle.
That means he hates it.
If he really liked it, he'd just paw at it instead of getting all clever.
Why are you always trying to cause trouble with me and Homer? Our marriage is rock solid! So, do you think Homer is gonna be at Club Zipless tonight? I sure hope so.
(startled gasp) Oops, dropped my stirrer.
D'oh! D'oh! (horrified gasp) Well, Marge.
Ready to kick Homer to the curb? I can bend him like Beckham.
Sorry, but I'm fighting for my man! Give me a double espresso to go.
Ma'am, are you sure that's wise, with what I presume is your heart condition? Ooh! (engine revs, tires screech) Whoo! Go, granny, go! (tires squeal) Aw, geez, she's coming back! Run, bullies, run! Look out, chicks.
The silver fox is coming to the henhouse.
(tires screeching) (shrieks) (panting) I'm okay, I'm okay.
(coughs) Brambles! (frustrated growls) ("Mrs.
Gulch's Theme" from The Wizard of Oz plays) (frustrated grunts) (exhaust fan turns on) (Marge cries out, cats yowling) Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo! I'm looking for Homer Simpson.
What, did he eat your candy house and push you into the oven? Odd, that's what the valet just asked me.
How ya doin'? Nice to see ya.
Life is good? Can't complain.
Can't or won't? You just crossed a line, pally.
Mm.
(dance music plays) Oh, Homer, I've never seen a drunk hold his vomit like you.
(playful roar) (tipsy): I do keep it together.
(chuckles) Oh.
Who is that? I don't know, but she looks Uh-oh.
Usually when it gets this quiet Mr.
Burns is standing behind me.
Actually, I'm standing in front of you.
I decided to hit the local nighteries with my trusted wingman.
(British accent): I flew the first packet of royal mail across the Khyber Pass, dodging the poison-tipped spears of the dreaded Zim-Zam Tribe.
(chuckles) So, which of you wants to be the sliced haddock in a geezer sandwich? Hmm.
There's a lot of beefcake on the grill tonight.
Get your hands off my husband! (shrieks) This is a situation I call "The Doctor Is O.
".
" Marge, what are you doing here? This bar is for singles and wingmen only.
That's your wife? Do you see her as we see her? (angry growling) (grunts) (women scream) (grunts) Marge, Marge, put down that broom.
You've got nothing to be afraid of from them.
I'm a wingman.
Part of a great tradition including Val Kilmer from Top Gun, Wedge Antilles from Star Wars, and me, from now.
And you know why I'm a great wingman? Because I have the confidence that comes from knowing I get to go home to you.
Oh.
(sniffs) And you know what else this whole experience has taught me? True beauty isn't about hair color? Probably.
But be honest when I say "beautiful woman," what pops into your head? Well, I guess I do have a type.
Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.
But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.
Well, as a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.
Oh.
Is my job creating power, empowering? No.
It's oddly dehumanizing.
Hey, Dad, did you color your hair, too? (laughing) Only my hairdresser knows for sure.
Oh, hello, young man! Where's your father? He's dying in a retirement home.
Now kiss me.
("Love Is Blue" plays) Shh!