The Simpsons s22e16 Episode Script

(jabbers nonsense) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) The Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned from the lab.
And now it's time for "That's Kent-ertainment!" Here's a story that gives new meaning to the words "puff piece.
" Springfield natives Cheech and Chong are returning in triumph for a reunion show.
Cheech and Chong are coming back to Springfield? Cheech and Chong are from Springfield? Lucy and Desi are getting a divorce? BROCKMAN: Before they formed their "joint" partnership, Tommy Chong and Richard "Cheech" Marin briefly worked as Channel 6 meteorologists.
Tomorrow, a high-pressure front brings a strong possibility of drizzle.
BROCKMAN: Then, the doobie of destiny changed their lives forever, when police burned marijuana seized from the Buddy Rich Orchestra in a nearby lot.
(coughs) So, you know, uh, check your barometer, thermometer, anemometer Why does everything have to have an "ometer" on it? And what is rain, man? It's like we're in the apartment under God and his fat sister overflowed the tub.
(both chuckling) The duo's herbal ha-has led to a series of successful albums, concerts, movies and Nash Bridges.
Now these homegrown heroes will kick off their summer tour at Squidport's new amphitheatre, the Clamphitheater, the $800 million boondoggle based on nothing more than a cute play on words.
Who the hell are Cheech and Chong? (gasps) Bart, Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Who are Beavis and Butthead? (sobs) I've failed as a parent.
I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy.
To the media room! CHONG (on record): Open up.
It's the police.
CHEECH: Oh, man.
I got to get rid of my grass.
(toilet flushing) (laughing) He's flushing his pot down the toilet unnecessarily! (laughs, sighs) Back then, we'd play these albums again and again till they were filled with skips and clicks and pops.
Which was about three times.
These are comedy albums? The Noisy Minority.
The Upside-Down Bubblegum Collective.
The Regional Lampoon.
The Plymouth Grok Experiment.
Fro And Flo.
Allan Sherman's Helter Shmelter.
MARGE: What are you guys doing up there? (gasps) Hide the dope! We don't have any dope.
Then, what did I just smoke? (screams) Lou, I want you to confiscate these brownies.
There's no drugs in these brownies.
I said "confiscate"! Uh, also confiscate me a T-shirt, uh triple-XL.
I thought you said double-XL was a real wake-up call.
That was for pants.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown.
Thank you.
When they asked me to introduce Cheech and Chong, I said, "How much?" And they said, "We don't pay for introductions," so I said, "Then I don't need this crummy gig.
" And they said, "Yes, you do," and I said "Ladies and gentlemen, Cheech and Chong!" (applause and cheering) (knocking) Who is it? It's me, Dave, man.
Open up.
I got the stuff.
(gasps) I thought they'd do bits, but their most famous bit? Will you open up? I got the stuff with me.
Ooh, he's gonna say "Dave's not here.
" Dave's not here! Dave's not here! ALL (chanting): Dave's not here! Dave's not here! Say the line, man.
They already know the line.
What's the surprise? What's the point? The point is they still give us a shoebox full of 20s to do this.
Now, say it.
Dave's not Dave's not gonna sell out anymore, man.
I-I can't say it.
(all gasping) What are you doing, man?! What am I doing? What am I I'm experimenting, man.
I'm growing as an artist, okay? That's not the Cheech and Chong brand.
Brand? Brand? I'm a 72-year-old man.
I've eaten eggs every which way they cook 'em.
I can't play it safe anymore.
Look, these people pay good money to see "Dave's not here.
" You owe them "Dave's not here.
" Well, how about this? Chong's not here, man.
(audience grumbling) Oh, no.
Chong is refusing to fall back on his old catchphrases.
Ay, caramba.
(audience murmuring angrily) Homie, you know all the bits.
Maybe you could help him.
I can't do reefer comedy.
I'm drunk.
Two different animals.
Homer Simpson, that man's albums have given you decades of entertainment and seen you through some very square times.
Help him.
(audience murmuring in agreement) Dave's not here, man.
(laughter) No, man, I'm Dave.
D-A-V-E.
Dave? That's right.
Now open up the door.
Dave's not here, man.
(laughter) (laughing) (laughter continues) You find this funny, sir? Just because it's too hip for you, Smithers HOMER: I'll give Dave your message.
I don't find this funny at all.
My time being wasted was not wasted.
(all cheering) Hey, man, you're all right.
How'd you like to be the new Chong? Yes.
Will I get to meet Dave? There is no Dave.
How about Don Johnson? It would be easier to meet Dave.
It is so cool for you to let me go on tour with Cheech.
And remember, on the road, the only vice you can indulge in is gluttony.
Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
Sweetie, don't worry.
I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.
Aw I can't believe I'm riding around in Cheech's van.
The van made of weed.
It's not made of weed.
Oh.
What's it made of? Hash? 'Shrooms? Lysergic acid diethylamide? No.
The van is just made of van.
Oh Look, Homer, I really need you to be on your game, you know? A lot of our fans have gone through rehab, so they're much more critical.
Don't worry, Cheech.
I know all the classic bits of you and Chong.
Don't say that name.
Now, you drive.
I have to go black out his face on some T-shirts with a Magic Marker.
(gasps) Can we get high from the fumes? No! (muttering indistinctly) Okay, man, what I'm looking for in a new Cheech is someone who is, like, open-minded and adventurous.
I haven't decided about the mustache yet, but you need your own suspenders.
Snap, snap.
Our friendship died with the first snap, and you buried it with the second.
You ever notice how your nose makes boogers? What's up with that? Uh, next? I can't pay the rent.
You must pay the rent.
I can't pay the rent.
You must pay the rent.
I'll pay the rent.
My hero.
Aw, who am I kidding? I don't got the money.
(groans): Ooh Next? (speaking indistinctly) Zoom.
I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant.
Class, attention, attention, class, class.
Shut up.
Thank you.
Uh, no, man.
No routines from the old regime.
Really? But Sister Mary's no-nonsense attitude is what inspired me to become an educator.
Just let your freak flag fly, man.
Well, I guess as long as I fold it afterward and don't display it at night Oh, perhaps I should improvise, or do an improv? I want you to reinvent the wheel.
No, de-invent the wheel.
No.
"Re-unvent the whool.
" Oh, I'll get my prop trunk.
A lot of people have cell phones, but I like to eat healthy, So I invented the celery phone.
Hello? Hello? Wow.
You are the un-funniest man I've ever seen.
Which means, teaming up with you would be totally pushing the envelope.
Mother, how did you get this number? It's a prop phone.
Yes, I have your celery.
I took the limpest stalk there was.
Stop it.
Stop riffing.
The gig is yours.
Time to finally return your father's overdue movies.
Is it really okay to just drop them into the pit where the Blockbuster used to be? Got a better idea? (cat meows, Santa's Little Helper barks) (barking continues) (doorbell rings) (shouting incoherently) Um, hello.
I'm Marge Simpson.
I think I've given you money a couple of times.
(muttering incoherently) No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want the money back.
I just came for my dog.
(mutters) (gasping) (yowling) (hisses) (meows) Easter grass, Cable Ace Awards, aquariums full of broken pinball game parts, popped but uneaten Jiffy Pop still in the silver bubble, sample-sized shampoos, detergents and whiskeys, and I hate to say this about the Cat Lady, but I think she's crazy.
She's a hoarder.
(muttering incoherently) This is so sad.
Can we help her? We can.
It'll be great.
Like a reality show without the cameras.
You mean, just reality.
Yeah, that's what you think.
Cut, print, mail to NBC.
(laughs) ("Low Rider" playing) Cheech and Chong has lost its Chong I am the Chong now Take a little look Take a little look Take a little look at me-e.
(laughs) That's funny, Homer.
Now we really have to work on the show.
Oh, yeah, I get you "Work on the show.
" Maybe we should start at 4:20, right? (laughs) Marijuana reference! Yeah, I got it.
Listen, man, comedy is hard work.
Hard work? I thought this was gonna be fun.
It is fun! The fun is the knowledge that our audience gets a good value for their hard-earned dollar! Cheech is sure a lot less cool than I imagined Stop that! Better shut up Cheech is really mad I wish that I had gone with Cho-ong.
Now, we've managed to preoccupy the cat lady for the next few hours.
Memory All alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then (sobbing) Ah, so beautiful! (sobbing) (blowing nose) (meowing) (mewing) (humming) Thank you, Marge.
(yells, gasps) Thank you for clearing the clutter from my house and my mind.
(yelling) Haul away, driver man! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! A perfectly good hot lather dispenser.
I can't count the number of times Homie's cried in anguish over his lukewarm lather.
Ooh, a pen from the Milwaukee Hilton! A phone answering machine from the '80s! CAT LADY: Nobody's home! (beep, Marge gasps) All of J.
D.
Salinger's books, except Catcher In The Rye! (loud gasp) Used pizza protectors! (humming) (gasps) Ooh! (humming) (gasps, humming) Ooh! She's crazy, but I'd do her.
Hey, Sister? Hey, Sister? Class! Class! I got to go to the can, man.
Shut up! (cheering and whistling) (cheering, whooping and shouting) You did all right, kid.
You earned a reward.
Oh, yeah.
A reward from Cheech.
Yes, I am the victim of a Basketball Jones Ever since I was a little baby I always be dribblin' In fact I was de baddest dribbler in the whole neighborhood Then one day, my mama bought me a basketball And I loved that basketball I took that basketball with me everywhere I went That basketball was like a basketball to me I even put that basketball underneath my pillow Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night I need help, ladies and gentlemens I need someone to stand beside me I need, I need someone to set a pick for me At the free-throw line of life Someone I can pass to Someone to hit the open man on the give-and-go And not end up in the popcorn machine So, cheerleaders, help me out Basketball Jones I got a Basketball Jones Oh, that sounds so sweet I got a Basketball (grunting) CHEECH: Homer? Homer! Hmm? Here's your reward.
What the?! Yeah.
I'm taking you to a museum, man.
Chong and I used to come here all the time.
Oh! Why aren't you exactly like your stage persona? Now Homer, this Viramontes image is an example of how Chicano poster art preserves a culture ignored by Eurocentric society.
Eurocentric! Oh! When do we have wacky adventures? Ah, that's just the movies, man.
Can we at least get some French fries? Too high in trans fats.
Stop speaking Spanish.
(crickets chirping) (microphone squeals) CHONG: Ladies and gentlemen, man.
Prepare for comedy that will murder your expectations and bury them in a sea of "what?" with waves of "huh?" (jazz plays with discordant tones) I am Dave.
Dave is here.
Man.
Skinner, his dessert menu is funnier than you.
Yeah.
Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
They're blank, Seymour.
Yes, but there are two "K" sounds in cocktail.
Yes, there are.
(chuckles) So, how was your first day of school? I met the new principal, Mr.
Baumgartner.
He seemed really cool.
When he walked through the gym, he shot a basket.
(both gasping) Who has disturbed my tomb? Grampa, you're not dead.
Well, wake me when I am.
(snoring) I never thought I'd say this, but Dad is the only one who can help us.
(phone vibrating) Now, Homer, what did we agree about personal phone calls during rehearsal time? (sighs) It's disrespectful to the high standards people have come to expect from Cheech and Chunk.
That's right.
Now let's take it from the part where we sniff each other's butts.
Yes, sir.
Come on, sniff! (Homer sniffing) That's a movie sniff.
This is live theater.
Now inhale, damn it.
(Homer inhales loudly through nose) I'm hearing it, but I'm not feeling it.
(sniffing) Oh! Ugh! Okay, bus parked.
Got to save Marge.
(laughs) I can't believe the crazy house would throw out all these forks.
(grunts) Marge, sweetie, do you know how low, low prices are insane? Well, sometimes people can be, too.
What are you talking about? Marge, you saved me.
Now I want to save you.
I'm not a hoarder.
Do the Yankees hoard pennants? Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue? Marge, Marge, what can one person honestly do with? Filled-in mini golf score sheets.
(loud muttering) European ketchup.
(goofy muttering) Rolls of "I voted" stickers.
(crazy yelling) (gasps) Styrofoam shaped like old computers! Oh! (muttering) Give me! (mutters) Oh, lookie, lookie! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! But Don't look back, Marge.
Don't look back.
Let's just leave the crazy woman alone in our house.
We've got something more important to attend to.
(screaming) Uh, we'll deal with all that later.
Baby, wanna ride? Come on.
If Art Garfunkel could forgive that on talented twarp Paul Simon, you can do this.
Whatcha do with Chong, man? He sent me out here, man.
He's got this idea I'm unhappy with my new partner.
I decided to put family over career.
You mean you put nothing over nothing? Tell him how you feel.
- I feel super high.
- Yeah, me too.
Come on, surrender to the moment.
Don't make the mistake I always do.
I'm thinking too much before you act.
I guess people do like the classy bits.
You know, it's It's ok if you want to experiment a little - Oh, Thomas - Oh, Richard.
I'm sorry I mocked your lack of suspenders.
I guess I was just jealous of your belt.
This belt has caused too many fights between us.
Hello, mad spirits.
Before we parts, it is I, mischievous and puckish Bart.
T'was not I that players did disturb.
T'was the doings of a grim and naught herd.
The gods have righted every wrong.
Cheech the stoner has his Cho'ong.
And Homer, he is back with mom, you can watch us tomorrow at Hulu.
com.
Who is it? It's me, Dave, man.
Open up, I got the stuff.
- Who? - Dave, man.
Dave's not here.
Hold on, let me get the door here.
- Who are you? - It's Dave, man.
You ruined it, man.
You weren't supposed to open the door.
Oh, okay, wait.
We start again.
- Close the door.
- I'll be out here with you, Dave.
- Hey, Homer, why don't you go and get us some stuff? - Okay.
I'll go get some stuff.
Get down there.
Way way way far.
Down there.
- Down here? - Yeah, keep going, keep going.
Now turn the corner, turn the corner.
- Okay.
Alright.
- Now keep going.
- Who is it? - It's me, relieved.
Gee, sorry, Dave.