The Simpsons s22e18 Episode Script

Oh, man, I can't believe we have to pick the peaches ourselves.
This activity is so lame I'm gonna daydream about school.
Damn it, a pop quiz! Aw, come on, Bart, it's fun! Well, that was kind of the same as the first time.
Oh! Why did I suggest this? Peach pickin' ain't so bad, long as you got a song to take your mind off it.
Ooh, authentic American folk music, just like they play on NPR! I'm afraid the only "NPR" we know down here is National Public Radio.
Oh, the year's first peach is a juicy peach And he sings a happy tune And the year's second peach is a grouchy peach More like a prune Now, the year's third peach is a How many verses does this song have? I ain't never run out! Now, the year's third peach is God-fearin' peach Does what the good book tells him And the year's fourth peach is a moldy peach Shame on the man that sells him Now the year's fifth peach is a fuzzy peach Its kisses are quite ticklish HOMER: Not bad.
Marge, how much do they pay us for doing this? Actually, we pay them for each peach we take home.
What the? First I work, then I pay, then I have to eat fruit?! Why was I ever born?! Ha-ha! Okay, we've got peach bruschetta on peach toast, peach-aroni peach-za and my famous BLTs-- or should I say, PPPs? Come on, people, peaches! Uh, honey, on a non-stone fruit-related topic, I booked us a couples massage.
Ooh couples! That way I can enjoy my massage, and make sure you don't enjoy yours too much.
(humming) Initiate phase two.
I forget what phase two is, but I'll assume we just dump the peaches like we discussed.
Affirmative.
I'll assume that means "yes.
" Roger.
The name's Bart.
(Homer and Marge moan with pleasure) Oh mmm When we get home, the peaches will be gone.
What?! What?! What will eat?! Oh Oh! Oh, screw it.
(chuckles) Masseuses: the half-doctors/half-hookers who solve everything.
Oh! What idiot put the dump so far away from where people live? Aw, man! The Horticulture Society is having its Chinese Lantern party and we've got nothing to huck! Gentlemen, I think I have the solution to your problem.
(shouting, screaming) (all laughing) (dog howls) Where am I? This neighborhood is starting to look a little bit like Sesame Street! (clanking) (gasps) (chuckles nervously) Wonder who's in there.
Could it be Oscar the (chitters) (screams) (hissing) (gasping) (door creaks) Huh? (chittering) (panting) (gasps) (lid creaks) What the? Is somebody in here? LISA: Help! I'm trapped in an alternate dimension-- an existential nether space! I Hey, how ya doin'? (groans) All right, who sent you-- Marvin The Magician? Oswald of the Occult? Citywide Mortgage? I worked everything out with Nina.
No one sent me.
I just knocked on the door and it opened.
Uh, how'd I get from inside there to over here? Because this is a house of magic.
Sounds like most of the house is still owned by the bank.
But the rest of it is magic.
Ooh (gasps) How did you do all that? Permit me to introduce myself.
I am the Great Raymondo! I was once the most famous illusionist in the world, performing for pashas and potentates, Grand Dukes and Grande Dames (sighs, groans) Who wants to hear an old man go on about bygone wonders? I do, I do! (chuckles) Very well.
But first, you should call your parents.
I got this phone for subscribing to Psychic Monthly, and then I cancelled the subscription.
They never saw it coming.
(chuckles) Meet Ali Rudy Vallée, my musical automaton.
He can play all the top hits.
Boop boop, dit-tem dat-tem, what-tem chu! Boop boop, dit-tem dat-tem (slowing): What-tem chu Now, here's the infamous "miroir noir.
" Gaze into it and learn how you will die.
(electricity buzzing) It's made for the American market.
And here, my dear, is my most celebrated illusion: the Great Milk Can Escape, handed down to me by Houdini himself.
Looks like there was magic between you two.
The lady in question is my late wife Esther.
She was the only other soul who knew the secret of my greatest trick.
Now I'm alone with my memories and my medical marijuana.
Would you be interested in teaching me? A girl illusionist?! Ladies are what you saw in half and throw knives at.
They never wear the hat.
What if you just taught me one trick? Fine.
These are the Rings of Fate.
Come back in a week with these rings linked together, and maybe I'll-- Say, you did it already?! Well, I guess I can teach a girl.
Blackstone taught a monkey.
I'm not exactly flattered by that.
You should be.
That monkey wound up with 18 car dealerships.
If you bought a family car in the St.
Louis area, you bought it from the mighty Chimpopo.
LISA: Huh.
Now, I'll start you off with a little coin work.
Ooh! And George Washington took a trip down the Ear-y Canal! (gasps) My ear makes money? Hello, boat store? I'd like to order a boat.
What do you mean, dial tone? Where'd you learn that trick, in the Army? From the Great Raymondo.
Ooh! He is great.
In '57, I saw him turn the Secretary of Agriculture into the Secretary of the Interior! It was hell on their wives, but it sure brought down corn prices.
Built a house outta corn.
Worst house I ever owned! When it got real hot, it smelled like Fritos.
Lisa can't be a magician! That's my thing! I'm the one that got a magic set for Christmas two years ago.
You never even opened it.
(grunting) Need some help? (grunts) Kid scissors-- lame.
Ooh! Let's see what else you've been hiding in there.
(grunting) I want my pot of gold! Ay caram ba! I forgot why I'm doing this.
Raymondo! I mastered the slide pass and I've almost mastered the Denver slide pass.
And why is there always a "Denver" version of things? I'm sorry, Lisa.
I'm upset.
Bumped-off-the- Mike-Douglas-show upset! Oh.
What's wrong? 'Sup, brahs? It's me, Cregg Demon.
Who's ready to get their magic on?! (cheering) Okay, for my first chillusion, I'm gonna descend into hell and pull up a skank.
(plays chord) (footsteps echoing) (sultry laugh) Hi.
Now, we've never met before, correct? That's right, Cregg Demon.
Well, I don't need your number, sweetie because it's tattooed on my ass! Yeah, it's on everyone's ass! Yeah! (all exclaiming) Eh! Disgraceful.
Any idiot with a soul patch and a deck of cards thinks he's a magician.
Magic is about mystery, illusion, pulling rabbits out of hats! Presto! Oh Ew.
Today's lesson: feed your props.
Old black magic has me in its spell Old black magic that you weave so well Those icy fingers up and down my spine The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine Same old tingle that I feel inside And then that elevator starts its rise Down and down I go Round and around I go Like a leaf caught in a tide I should stay away, but what can I do? I hear KIDS: Lisa! Lisa! If you wanna do some real magic, find me a boyfriend that don't get all religious on me.
No! (gasps) Huh? Oh (gasps) Raymondo's greatest secret! No, I shouldn't.
I won't.
(gasps, gulps) I guess I can trust you, Lisa Simpson.
I am going to teach you the Great Milk Can Escape.
You are? Why? If magic is not passed on, it dies.
The only magic we couldn't make was a child.
Now the first thing you must do is make me a vodka tonic.
You're out of tonic.
That won't be a problem.
(kids murmuring) Students, teachers, detentionees, prepare to have everything you believe about milk cans challenged! (excited murmuring) Willie, if you will? (gasps) God, if you don't bring my Lisa back safe, ants will burn tonight.
(all gasp) I believe the expression is ta-da! (crowd cheering) I don't know what to think about milk cans anymore.
(excited gasp) That was amazing.
I can see why they call you The Great Simpsina.
My friends call me Lisa.
She has no friends.
Shut up! Now, where were we? I got to admit, I was pretty nervous when you were in that milk can.
Oh, it's a lot less dangerous than you think.
You can see me do it again in a talent show next week.
I'd like to come.
But only if I was sure you wouldn't get hurt.
There's no chance whatsoever.
I'll show you.
You don't open the top; the locks are real.
The can is in two halves, and they slide apart.
From inside, you just push up.
(chuckles) Easy peasy.
And there's no way anyone can figure out how it's done.
Well, I can think of one way.
You trick a dorky little girl into telling you! (gasps) Yo, Dad! It's a three-quarter flange-less friction slide.
What about the locks on the lid? Shmuck-bait.
Sweet, sweet! Oh, and the next time it's my weekend with you, I promise there will be no chicks over.
Just you, me, the komodo dragon and Ben Roethlisberger.
Hell to the yes! (boy laughing) (Bart laughs) 'Sup, magicfreeks.
Last night, for serious, I got haunted by a straight-up, see-through ghost.
It was Harry H-Dog Houdini, yo! Now, after calling me "the new him"-- his words-- he told me the secret to his Milk Can Escape.
(gasping, murmuring) Yeah.
I will perform this trick at the upcoming world magic championships! I recommend parking in the mall and taking the shuttle, yo! Raymondo, I am so sorry.
I got rolled by a pro.
Do you know what it's like to be the kind of girl that boys never talk to, and then, suddenly, a boy talks to you? Get out.
Haven't you ever been fooled by a pretty face? Just once.
I trusted you.
Oh, you think I'm pretty? (nervous laugh) Get out! D'oh! Lisa, don't feel bad.
Judas betrayed Jesus, but he still got paid.
(sobbing): Oh, no I can't stand to see one of my female children unhappy! I'm gonna go pound some sense into that ring-linking rabbit-yanker.
Hey, let me down! This is gonna leave a diamond pattern on my skin! Imagine if your greatest secret was given to your worst enemy.
A peanut butter and pretzel sandwich? Mmm! There's no way a stupid Flanders like me could ever have thought of this.
Okay, maybe secrets are a big deal, but my daughter's a good kid.
So why don't you act your age, forgive her and let me down! (Homer snoring) (murmurs) (snoring) Hey, kid, nobody likes a gloomy magician.
Except, of course, Gloomo the Magnificent.
Raymondo, you forgive me! Not so fast.
But still, there is hope.
(dove coos) Lisa, we've all done things we're ashamed of.
I briefly became a disco magician.
Have you ever tried to put a leisure suit on a bird? You get his pants on, he pulls his coat off, and on it goes.
But now I need your help to stop Cregg Demon.
All right, I want close-up magicians on the left, illusionists on the right, and mentalists-- well, I don't need to tell you.
(chuckles) Ah, come on, Lou, I need backup.
LOU: Wish I could help, Chief.
I'll take the box that doesn't talk back.
Yeah, that's just what you need, Chief, another stomach.
Shut up.
My milk shake brings all the boys to e yard And they're like, it's better than yours (laughs) I could teach you, but I have to charge Yeah! And they're like, it's better than yours Ha, yeah! (crowd cheering, whistling) Yeah! 'Sup! Hope you're watching up there, Houdini-Bro.
I did your great-grand-niece.
Go crazy for They lose their minds The way I wind, I think it's time La-la, la-la, la CROWD (chanting): Magicfreek! Magicfreek! It's too late; we can't stop him.
Something's wrong.
The trick isn't working.
Dad, don't die! I'll get him out! No.
We must not interfere.
You're just gonna stand there? No.
With my back, I got to sit.
(muffled): Help! (grunting) (sighs): Ah.
(groans) Aw, I can't stand you looking at me that way.
That's better.
(scoffs) (muffled): Help me! He's going to die! Lisa, magicians hate to be rescued.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little magicians' room.
I guess it's up to me to save you, Cregg Demon Magicfreek.
You ain't saving nobody demon nothing freek! Ricky Jay? David Copperfield? Penn? (gasps) Teller! We switched the trick milk can with a regular milk can.
But why? Because, when he Quiet! You talk onstage, I talk offstage.
That was the curse the witch put on us.
He stole all our best tricks.
And he stole my sexiest magical gestures.
Like this one-- ah.
Aw Wait, I know he's an unethical magician, and his tattoos are an inconsistent mix of hieroglyphics and cuneiforms, but he doesn't deserve to die.
We ain't asking, kid.
Get her! (screams) (whimpers) (grunting) (chainsaw buzzing) Penn, just drop them! I can't! I never learned how! (roars) I'll save you, Lisa! (muffled grunting) The real magic is raising three kids in this economy! You can put the ball back now.
Hands off my apprentice, amateurs! (gasp) Raymondo? I thought I killed you in Marrakesh.
That was my twin brother.
Ruined a lot of my tricks.
We might as well finish the job now.
To show you we mean business, I'm unbuttoning my shirt and turning on a fan.
Wah.
Oh, yeah.
It's magical.
(buzzing, crackling) I'm just an old man.
How could I ever hope to fight you all? Except with this! (laughter) (pained grunting) My beautiful body, no longer properly lit.
(gasps) My ponytail's been burned! Teller, the witch's curse is broken! Penn, there never was a curse.
You're a real jerk, you know that? Raymondo, I knew your heart was as pure as the ether that helps you get to sleep.
Raymondo? I believe the expression is ta-da! (groans weakly) Hey, whassup? (coughing) Let's go home, Dad.
I'm through with magic, son.
I'm gonna move back to Canada and run for Parliament.
And here you go.
"Do not give your coat to" Damn it! (cheering, applause) So that's why Lisa excused herself a few minutes ago.
Now, once again, one of the most promising young magicians I have ever seen: the Great Simpsina! (cheering, applause) Knock 'em dead, kid.
I'll be in my dressing room.
(humming) Tell me if she falls.
Abraca-Milhouse! (gas hissing softly) Hello, Harvey.
I've probably had enough.
Eh, a little more couldn't hurt.
(inhales deeply) (banjo intro plays) EWELL FREESTONE: And the year's fourth peach is a moldy peach Shame on the man that sells him Now, the year's fifth peach is a fuzzy peach Its kisses are quite ticklish And the year's sixth peach is a briny peach It tastes so fine and picklish And the year's seventh peach is a learned peach It's working on a novel But the year's eighth peach is a real proud peach You'll never see it grovel Oh, the year's ninth peach is a tough old peach But he'll make a hearty stew And the year's tenth peach is a rotten peach Take a whiff, p-u Now the Shh.
EWELL: You shush yourself.