The Simpsons s23e09 Episode Script

(sleigh bells jingling) Ho, ho, ho.
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screech) (grunts) Mmm! (groans) (sighs) (belches) I'll never eat turkey again.
Marge, we got any ham?! I hereby declare Thanksgiving dinner officially over which means it's the start of Christmas season which means ALL: Christmas card photos?! Yep.
(snoring) (gasps) I'm Santa? Oh, now I'll never die.
(snoring) (bells jingling) Can't we just send out a picture of the pets dressed like reindeer? We tried that last year.
HOMER: D'oh! Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is? You'll understand one day when you have kids of your own.
Um, who says we're gonna have kids of our own? Not me, man.
This cycle of jerks has to end.
Are we done yet? It's a Wonderful Life is about to start.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd never seen that movie.
Just look happy! (cat yowls) Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Come on, it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Outside the snow is falling And friends are calling, "Yoo-hoo" Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Come on, it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy and cozy are we Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding We'll snuggle up together Like two birds of a feather would be Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding Let's take that road before us And sing a chorus or two Ring-aling-aling, ding, dong, ding.
They fight and fight They fight and fight The Itchy and Scratchy Itchy and Scratchy Show.
(static) Fight, fight, fight Nah.
(knocking) You're two weeks late on the rent, Bart.
Not to mention that geography report from 30 years ago.
Don't worry.
I got some buyers coming over to look at my good kidney.
They grow back, right? Just get me that rent or you'll be expelled.
You mean evicted? (grunts) COMPUTER VOICE: Transporter engaged Oh! Now what? BOY: Mom, don't make us go to Dad's! BOY 2: It smells like dog, but there's no dog.
You know, I can hear everything you say during cross-phase.
What are you doing here? Mom says you have to watch us over the holidays.
She says you're our dad and you need to act like it.
Christmas with you is gonna suck! You're wrong.
This is gonna be your best Christmas ever.
- Really? - Yeah.
Give me some credit.
(chuckles, to self): I'll just dump 'em at my mom's.
You know, we can hear thoughts now.
Damn it! (Milhouse sneezing, coughing) (wheezing) Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal allergies are kicking in.
Oh, you poor thing.
This is a tough time of year for someone who's allergic to holly, mistletoe, the red part of candy canes.
I can't believe we put a man on the Sun, but we can't stop my sneezing! (sneezes) Hi, Zia.
How did you do on your math test? Gee, I'm fine, Mom.
Thanks for asking.
I'm going online.
(modem feedback, moans) Uh! How did my daughter turn into my brother? Don't blame me.
When we had her, they used only the best genetic material, which meant none of mine.
You parked the car.
That helped.
I guess.
Maybe my mom would have some ideas.
Why don't you take Zia to your parents' for Christmas while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas- celebrating states? You could go back to Michigan.
It's still under Sharia law.
Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.
(bell tolls) (The Benny Hill Show theme plays) Everything looks great, Maggie, but until this baby comes, I don't want you to make a sound.
But she's our lead singer, mate.
I'm sorry, but recent research has shown that the umbilical cord is also a vocal cord.
Now can you tell me who the father is? ALL: Mmm We will not.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like to watch a football match.
(crowd cheering) COMPUTER VOICE: I see you are reading a children's book, yet your profile indicates you are a mature adult.
Is there an error? Shut up! (grunts) Oh, Marge, how would you like some future sex? Why do you say future? This is now.
I meant a week from tomorrow.
That's when the new penis gets here.
(text alert tone sounds) I just a got a message from Maggie in my brain.
Ooh, a B-mail! She's coming home for Christmas! (tone sounds) And Bart's bringing the boys.
(tone sounds) And Lisa's coming with Zia.
For once, the whole family's going to be here for the holidays! (tone sounds) Hey, I got a B-mail, too.
"You have won a valuable prize.
Open now.
" Don't open it, Homie.
It's a virus.
Too late.
I (blubbering) SANTA (crackling): Ho ho ho.
(humming) Wow, Dad, that's really impressive.
Yeah, after I stopped drinking, this was a way to stay close to my bottles.
I'd smash 'em all for one lousy beer! Oh, man, I can't believe they still haven't figured out a away to detangle Christmas lights.
Mom's boyfriend is good at detangling them.
Well, maybe Mom should marry him.
- She did.
- We weren't supposed to tell you.
Your mother remarried? (groans, grunts) Hey, Grampa, you gonna build a snowman? No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.
Dad, can you take the boys out for a while? I don't feel so good.
Thanks for spending so much time with us, Dad.
Who wants to go the park and ride the merry-go-nowhere? I do, I do! Me, me! (door closes, Bart groans) I can't believe she got married and I have no one.
It's so hard to find somebody new.
Sure is.
That's why after Homer accidentally killed Edna, I married Maude's ghost.
There is no God, Neddy.
It's just an empty meaningless void.
Isn't she pretty? (teleporter whooshing) Oh, ma'am, you really shouldn't teleport when you're pregnant.
I'm afraid your only choice is (whispers): air travel.
(laughing) (laughing) (all yelling) FLIGHT ATTENDANT (over P.
A.
): If you are seated in an exit row, please hold the door shut for the duration of the flight.
(humming) Want to go to a concert tonight? Cher is playing.
Sure, I'd love to only not with you and not that.
(modem feedback) (groans) Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.
Not since they passed Homer's Law.
Oh, honey, why don't you just relax and bake something? Ugh! I am trying to deal with my disrespectful daughter, but you are too clueless to understand what that's like.
Uh-huh.
(whoosh, hissing) Oi.
Can I get a pillow for my head? (whoops, cackling) (rumbling, chicken clucking) Suicide pills? Mohawk gel? Turkey and Brie wrap? Do you have any dog food left? Oh, oh, oh, could I have the whole can? (gulping) (groaning) (rattling and electrical sizzling) (whirring) Hey, sweetie.
Marge said there was some family tension.
And at Christmas, of all times.
My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
(chuckles) Bloody Harry.
He brought back beheading in a big way.
Now I'm gonna show these boys downtown Springfield.
Ooh, isn't that a little dangerous? Oh, don't worry.
I have my invisibility cloak.
Now, where did I put it? (creaking) Oh.
It's against the law (thudding, glass breaking) It was against the law What the mama saw It was against the law Help me, my children.
What are you after? We're a cashless society.
The papa said, "Oy, if I get that boy" "I'm gonna stick him in the House of Detention" Well, I'm on my way I don't know where I'm going - Release the hounds.
I'm on my way Oh, we're almost at Evergreen Terrace, miss.
Hey, didn't I go to jail with your brother? (gasps) Contractions? (tires squeak) (loud breathing) Computer, hospital.
(whirring, booming whoosh) (sighs) Well, looks like I'm gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.
Gloves, hospital.
(whirring, booming whoosh) (electrical hissing) (crickets chirping) (tune plays) (sighs) Hey, Lis.
Want to come up? Eh, why not? (whirring) Should I have married Nelson? (whispering): 'Cause we still talk on the phone.
Nelson calls you? Well someone calls someone.
The boys think I'm a lousy father.
Oh, poor Bart.
My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.
(laughs) Sorry.
Eh, it's okay.
But you know who took her side? Marge Bouvier Simpson.
(blows raspberry) What'd she do? She told me to relax and bake cookies.
- Did you bake any? - Yes, I did.
And they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house.
But that is not the point.
Well, Mom kept her hands off you and you turned out great.
- You think so? Maybe it's the court-mandated sincerity chip I got in my brain, but, Lis, you're the person I always wanted to be.
Aw (Homer and boys laughing) (yelling excitedly, laughing) (laughing) I gotta reconnect with those boys.
Godspeed, Bart.
I'm going to go apologize to Mom.
How do I get down? Our consciousness was a secret for thousands of years.
Then one pine tree had to open his sappy mouth.
Back in position! (grumbling) Mom, you're the best.
Oh, sweetie.
I've been waiting to hear you say that for so long.
Oh, you could have waited till morning.
Mmm Hey, guys.
Want to watch Krusty? Who's Krusty? Only the funniest man in the world.
I've never let go of 'my fax machine.
Don't ask me why.
I like the sound of a fax coming through.
Especially if it's a nice deli menu.
I miss eating.
(groans) (labored breathing) I'm sorry, but there's no room at the in patient facility.
Lady, this is Maggie Simpson.
She just played a sold-out show in Beijing.
Hmm.
A star in the east Let me see.
We do have a little room in the manger.
I mean, mangier wing.
(whirring) Merry Christmas Eve! Where are the kids? I know where mine is.
(moans) And I'm going to take a page out of your playbook, and let it slide.
- Where's Dad? - He took the boys out.
How could he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father? People learn from their mistakes.
And your father made so many mistakes.
And now Patty and Selma are here to help us decorate with their new lovebots.
Make me a Bloody Mary, dollface.
No, Selma.
Even a robot built only to love you cannot love you.
I am leaving with your sister's concu-droid.
(grumbles) (Maggie panting rapidly) Should we start an epidural? Now, Nurse, you know we found something much more effective.
(vehicle whirring by) Oh, it's so good to meet the octuplets' octuplets.
(babies chattering, laughing) (text alert tone sounds) Oh! I just got a B-mail from Maggie! She's gone into labor! Oh, another grandchild.
How special.
Careful how you shut the door.
It upsets the children.
(babies gasp) (babies bawling, screaming) Oh, Sanjay, how I wish that runaway jerky wagon killed me instead of you.
(bellowing) Oh, I miss you, too, brother.
(babies continue crying) Hands off, hands off.
(quiet beeping) Aw, screw it.
Sometimes a mother's job is to butt in.
- Lisa? - Butt out! (grumbling) This is it-- I'm going into the Ultranet to save my daughter.
(modem feedback, groans) MALE VOICE (over speaker): Lisa Simpson, the following people want to friend you.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Ooh, Martin Prince is now Marcia Princess? (giggles) No, I've got to find Zia.
NELSON: Hey, Lis.
Is your marriage still dead and unfulfilled? Not a good time.
(beeps) You know we're destined to Aah! Now, where is the Google door? Oh, right.
It's Dr.
Seuss's birthday.
Google, even though you've enslaved half the world, you're still a damn fine search engine.
(beeping) Bingo! Argh! (grunting) I open this door, and I go from being one kind of mother to another.
Hmm (vehicle whirring) Dad, where did you take my boys? (siren wails) Oh, it's Chief Wiggum! (squealing, whooshing) (high-pitched voice): Hi, Bart! - Hey, Ralph.
- I heard you died.
- I got cloneded.
(gunshot) (gasps) All right, buddy, what's the hurry? (horn blows) (thumping) (chuckles): That Ralph was stupid.
(tires screech) (panicked yelling) (vehicle whirring by) (door creaks) Wow, this place hasn't changed a bit.
Yeah, I keep meaning to switch things around, but this place is always a crime scene.
Was my dad here? Uh, yeah, since he don't drink, he just comes here to see Lenny and Carl.
- Hey, Lenny.
- I'm Carl.
Don't you remember? You came to the brain-switching ceremony.
Right.
What was the point again? Because I wanted to get back together with my wife who was sleeping with Carl at the time.
Turns out she had switched brains with a monkey on a Japanese game show.
And it just got weirder from there.
Eh, I found it quite normal.
Anyway, if you're looking for your dad, he took the kids to see his dad.
Thanks.
Hey, Moe, get me another beer? Quit making me fat! (panting) I'm glad you're here, Marge.
They're two minutes apart.
The contractions? No, my bills! (chuckling) Mm (gasps) Mom? Why are you here? I was worried.
I thought I would find What, me flashing my boobs on unripemelons.
com? What? No.
It doesn't matter what I thought.
I'm sorry I spied on you.
But what I found is, my daughter looks up to me.
Well, of course I do.
I look up to both my parents.
Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick! But I especially look up to you.
Mm (dance music playing) This is where my father is.
He froze himself because he was sick and there was no cure.
Are they working on one? Oh, they found it-- but don't tell him.
This is way cheaper than a nursing home.
(beep) Aah! What the heck! (stammers) Dad, these are your great-grandsons.
Eh, I don't see what's great about 'em.
And, Homer, you're still a big disappointment, because See you next Christmas! (beeping) (yells) (whirring) Why did you bring us here, Homer? To prove a point: everyone thinks their dad's a jerk, and everyone's right, but when you get older, you realize how much you love him.
Your dad may be a little immature, but I know he loves you.
So you ought to give him a chance.
(panting) Oh.
Boys I have acted like a ten-year-old for the last 30 years, and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a 20-year-old, the way a divorced You're gonna have to do better than that.
Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas.
The only thing worth anything in my life is you.
(sobbing): Oh, Dad.
You've taught us the meaning of Christmas, which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.
Mmm Is it snowing down here? No, one of the freezers is busted.
(electrical crackling) If those kids can forgive that train wreck of a father, then maybe I can forgive You quit drinking like a coward! The one thing you were good at, and Mm.
Oh (groans) lawn-chair breakin' hair-losing Marge-lovin' barometer-droppin' father-freezin' but you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway.
(sobs) 'Cause deep down, you couldn't bear to see me smushed.
Oh, I love you, Dad.
SANTA: Ho Ho Everyone! It's a girl! So, who's the father? Eh, it doesn't matter.
If there's one day a year to give unwed mother's a break, it's Christmas.
Okay, everyone, smile while the pets take our picture.
Hmm, funny how they evolved and we didn't.
Shh!