The Simpsons s23e12 Episode Script

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ('60s themed music) ('70s themed music) (thud) ('80s piano music) (all yelling) (sighs) And that's why I really don't believe there's a God.
Thank you, and God bless America.
You were only supposed to lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance.
I'm pretty sure it was in there somewhere.
Oh.
Now, let me conclude by thanking Moe the bartender for hosting this meeting while City Hall is fumigated for bedbugs.
Bedbugs? Just why is there a bed in City Hall? (crowd murmurs) Er, uh, meeting adjourned! (record scratches) All night long All night All night All night All night long All night All night All night All night long All night All night All night All night long Everyone you meet They're jamming in the street All night All night long All night Yeah, I said This is so convenient! I can go straight from doing my civic duty to having a beer with my best friend Carl.
And I can toss back a Duff Sangre de los Muertos with my best friend: Mexican Duffman.
Ho-la! Hey, Moe, who's your best friend? Uh Well, uh Well, I just made friends with Pepto-Bismol on Facebook, and, uh um Hey, would you look at that? There's a spot on the bar.
Come on! (grunting) (squeaking) You know what? I think Moe's best friend is really that bar rag.
(bar crowd laughs) That's even sadder than being friends with Milhouse! (chuckles) You know something, Bart? I'm getting tired of things like that.
Tired of what? I dump on you, and you take it.
That's how friendship works.
Not anymore.
Friendship over.
Taxi! (door slams) What gives? He's not crawling back.
Even a kid who wears a "Finding Nemo" back brace has some pride.
You went too far this time, Bart.
Hey, Moe! I got a job here for your "best friend," the bar rag.
Me, too! (laughs) (all laughing) Witty.
(growls) Great meeting, though.
Yes, that's right, everyone laugh at the rag.
But I was not always this be-stainèd swatch you see before you.
Oh, no, gentles.
We begin in early medieval France (mandolin Renaissance music) BAR RAG: A young peasant wife struggles to feed her family Maman, we are starving Listen to the grumbling of our estomacs! (human grumblings) That's not your estomacs! It's some men speaking French! (speaking French) Now, I have work to do.
Complain to your papa.
Papa? He is no help at all.
Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders! Stupid Flanders.
(trumpet fanfare blows) All tremble before the duc de Springfield! That's enough! Madame, I would like you to weave me a tapestry with the following images: Me healing the sick.
Me killing the healthy.
Me marrying my sister.
A long winter where nothing happens.
Me relaxing with friends.
You know, the standard stuff.
For this, I shall pay you two copper coins.
You have 25 years to complete it.
You may have one (bleating) Oh, these innocent creatures are blocking my path.
I could walk six paces that way or I could kill them all right now! I am heartily sorry and confess all my sins.
Absolved! Avancez! (neighs) BAR RAG: In their dying fury, those beasts began expelling demon wool.
And the restless spirits of those murdered sheep compelled Marguerite to loom ceaselessly, even as her husband went off to fight again and again and again.
(grunting) BAR RAG: As the years went by, the images she loomed were not of the Duc, but rather depictions of the adventures that cloth would experience over the centuries.
Oh, and by the way that tapestry was me.
Right, and I was the Gutenberg Bible.
Maman, we have failed to grow.
We've had too little food! Is it too little food or too much complaining? Maman, you are overstressed.
You need a vacation.
Perhaps to the South of France.
We're in the South of France! BAR RAG: One day, as rosy-fingered Dawn wiped the morning gunk from her eyes, the Duc came to claim his infernal drapes.
What an age for prosthetics we live in.
Silence! I have reached my verdict.
It's not what I expected.
(gasping) And yet it's beautiful! (sighing) But it's also not what I expected.
Burn down their house! (hoofbeat) (explosion) BAR RAG: But Le Duc was about to be called home to the worst kind of hell: medieval hell.
(neighs) (yells) Hey, let's show some French courage and beat up the corpse! Come on, Ralphie, have a try.
Oh! We're submitting that to France's Funniest Cave Paintings.
Hm-hmm, mm-hm.
Mm-hmm, hm.
BAR RAG: Even for a tapestry made of demon wool, this was hard to watch.
I was moved to a magnificent cathedral and learned that tapestries were the rock stars of the Middle Ages.
(excited screaming) I had legions of what you now call groupies.
It felt like the good times known as the Dark Ages would never end.
But then cruel fate knocked upon the door (yelling) Guys, it ain't working-- the door's too strong.
(grunting) (yelling) Go, Vikings.
Ow! Stop it! You just broke your vow of silence.
It wasn't a vow.
I just didn't want to talk to you.
Oh! This Viking stuff is too dangerous.
I'm going to become a gentleman art thief.
(yells) (laughing) Huh? Hmm, what the? (delighted chuckle) (gasps) Spooky.
Hmm hmm.
BAR RAG: That was the first time I knew anguish and fear.
Nothing will ever staunch the pain of that memory.
Oh.
Well, that helps.
(belches) (rock hits window) BART: Milhouse! Milhouse! (sighs) What do you-- (choking) Hmm? What is it, Bart? Listen, um after our fight, I couldn't sleep.
Well, I was doing fine.
Warm glass of milk, some choice cuts from The Wriggles and I was out.
Come on, man.
At least listen to what I have to say.
Okay Um well this is usually the part where you say you're sorry.
Bart, I'm not your puppet.
I know, I made you into a real boy last week.
And I'll always be grateful.
But it's time you started treating me with respect.
(rocks hitting window) (sighs) They're a tough pair, huh? (choking) If you let me in, I'll give you the Heimlich.
Hm-mm.
So to recap: I had been unjustly torn from my lofty perch.
I wound up as a barter in Persia.
You have taken our gold and jewels and given us this faded cloth?! That's right.
And if anyone asked who swindled you, it was Christians.
Remember that name: Christians.
(growling) BAR RAG: I found myself in the court of the young Persian king, a cruel king who demanded constant entertainment from his wives.
Eh.
Throw her in the pit of boring wives.
(thud) We never go out anymore.
Are you even listening to me? My sister has a much bigger pit.
Dude, you've already discarded, like, 500 wives.
I think it's weird that you're counting.
Send in the next one! Good evening, Your Majesty.
May I tell you your slippers are as curly as everyone says? (laughing nervously) Eh, pit her.
Wait, wait, wait! I can, uh, tell you a story! Cease your dragging! Uh There once was a boy named Ali Baba.
He and his elder brother Cassim were the sons of a merchant who traded in camels and spices and-- Okay, just a couple thoughts on your direction so far.
One day, while out for a walk, Ali Baba was set upon by a thief.
(yawning) Make that two thieves! (more interested yawn) A million thieves! (yawning): Too many.
(sighs) Forty thieves.
(pleasant yawning) BAR RAG: With her inventiveness and wit, the clever wife entertained her king for a thousand and one nights.
And while he slept, she freed her imprisoned compatriots.
Uh, it was cooler in the pit.
And that's how the camel got its hump.
(fake sigh) Another story! (exasperated sigh) For once, couldn't you just take a few minutes to let the previous story sink in? You dare refuse your king? Guards! Uh-oh.
BAR RAG: My downward spiral continued.
Only cowards use blindfolds.
(screams) I didn't know you were doing that! BAR RAG: I was unfit for even the most sordid uses.
How's your neck, Your Lordship? No splinters or nuffin'? I fear the axe less than that filthy rag.
You talk fancy now, but you'll twitch like the rest.
All too true, I fear.
Shut up! Your tongue is even sharper than your-- BAR RAG: But then, at my lowest ebb, a moment of hope.
I played a pivotal role in creating one of the masterpieces of Western art.
Michelangelo! When will you be finished? Hey, you want a quickie? You go to Raphael, baby.
BAR RAG: The artist was never satisfied.
How about now? Nope.
That's perfect! Now would you like to protect your investment with a clear coat? Hm, let me discuss it with my wife.
BAR RAG: The masterpiece was finished and so was the use for me.
And then (pained moaning) You know, Moe, it might be time to buy a new bar rag.
Yeah, yeah, sure thing.
I'll get right on it.
No way I would abandon you, Raggie.
(sobs) You're my best friend.
("The Great Pumpkin Waltz playing) (contented sigh) (music continues) (rat squeaks, music stops) So, I guess you didn't eat that "special cheese" that I gave you yesterday, huh? (wry chuckle) Yeah.
Oh, Milhouse, what do I have to do, besides changing in any way, to get you to forgive me? Gee, Bart, you seem, uh-- how can I put it?-- Milhousey.
Really? It's not that bad, is it? (sighs) Bart, you'll never learn.
"Milhouse, you're the closest thing I have to a brother.
"A brother with the wisdom of an older sister.
"And that's why we squabble, 'cause families always do.
"But in the end, they're still a family.
What do you say brother?" Not bad.
Did Lisa write that? Yes, I did.
Now I'm going to bed.
(sucking pacifier) I want something that comes from you, Bart.
We're done here.
But-but-but The glasses are off! My degradation continued.
BAR RAG: An enterprising seamstress turned me into the flag of a fledgling nation.
Unfortunately, a nation on the wrong side of history.
("Dixie" playing) (chuckles) BAR RAG: Like everyone else, I was hit hard by the depression.
(Southern accent): What's for dinner, Ma? Rag soup! (slurping, lips smacking) Needs flavor.
Mmm, that's better! BAR RAG: I was part of an expedition to the top of Mount Everest, one that had the distinction of failing un-heroically.
(panting): Oxygen I need oxygen! Come on, man.
A few more balloons and this'll look really awesome.
D'oh! Worst climbing Everest.
BAR RAG: A yeti found me and brought me home as a present to his son.
Ah, ah! Mmm (sighs) And now my thousand-year fall from grace is complete.
I guess I should be happy here, with my sad, but predictable Moe! Moe! Wake up! Oh no, I don't want to find out what's worse than you! BART: Milhouse! I've been out here all night, man.
Just let me know what it'll take for you to forgive me.
Can I punch you? Sure.
Can I have someone else punch you? Sure.
What've you got? Puppy Goo-Goo coming my way? (snaps) Ay carumba! I'm glad it's over.
I wasn't comfortable having the upper hand.
From now on I'll dominate you in ways you don't realize.
That's all I ever wanted.
Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Hey, Chief Wiggum! Can you help me find my bar rag? I can't even find my car in the parking lot at the mall.
There was half a kilo of heroin and two suspects inside.
Hey! Hey! (tires squealing, gunshots) Can you throw me my house key? Please! It's got a green thingy on it! Stop! (tires screech) Ooh! (grunting) Hey, there's some Pringles in here.
(metal tab pops) (coughs) Nope.
Tear gas.
(coughing) (tires squealing) Haven't forgotten about your rag, Moe! (to rhythm of dryer): I'm in hell, I'm in hell, I'm in hell, I'm in hell (grunts) (wearily): Perhaps one of you garments would like to narrate for a while.
Men's extra large underwear? I'm saving my strength.
He's going bike riding today.
(humming) (doorbell rings) Come on in! You've got my rag! But how? Well, during the town meeting, which now seems like years ago, I forgot my purse at your bar.
MARGE: And when I came back to get it, I saw how much you love that rag.
Num-num-num-num-num-num.
MARGE: It seemed a little "ripe," so I brought it home to clean it for you.
Thanks, Marge.
That rag is my only friend in the world.
Well, that's not true! Everyone in this family is your friend.
Your bar is the closest thing this town has to an Algonquin roundtable.
What about that Round Table Pizza run by that Algonquin guy? Yeah, yeah, okay, second closest.
So you's all like me? Even you, maestro? Milhouse.
Yeah, I, I knew it was something stupid.
Well, thanks, everybody.
I I'm always gonna remember today as the day that I learned to open my heart to human beings and not old pieces of cloth.
Ha, crazy me, Thinking I needed a rag for a friend.
(chuckles) So, this is how it ends.
The once magnificent tapestry tossed aside yet again like a common Kleenex.
Good-bye, cruel What the? In all my years, this is a love like I have never felt.
Sweet, pure and forever.
(sweet melody playing) (growling) BAR RAG: Well, all marriages have their ups and downs.