The Simpsons s23e13 Episode Script

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Happy 500th episode! (tooting) ("Auld Lang Syne" plays) (elephant trumpets) Hmm? This is episode 499.
Aw, geez.
Well, I got news for ya, Fox ain't doin' this again.
(dejected sighs) How'd you get so many more Valentines? I got one from Lisa and one from my optometrist.
That's a bill.
No, it's got a love stamp! Maybe we should just watch TV.
Aw (coughing and grunting) (both laughing) Now, son, you know Itchy and Scratchy give you night terrors.
Last night you had the night terrors.
Yeah, I dreamt I got fired from that job I dreamt I got the night before.
Oh ANNOUNCER: Welcome to MythCrackers, where we debunk rumors, legends, and all religions except the Jesus-based ones.
It's a beautiful afternoon.
are multi.
(chuckles) (theme music plays) No TV on the computer! (theme music plays) No TV on a smart phone! (horn honking) Tonight, we take on the classic myth that a cat will always land on its feet.
Now, we didn't want to hurt a real cat, so we took this Build-A-Bear carcass Stuffed it with ballistic gel, shot it with a 20 foot barrel steam cannon And made a scatter plot of the remains! Boo-yah! What was it we trying to prove again? Don't know, don't care! (vocalizing) Blow it up.
Hey, Bart, why don't we become MythCrackers? I bet those guys get so many Valentines.
That might be a good idea, but then again, you thought it up.
Eh, why not? Okay, first myth, using a cell phone at a gas station is dangerous.
(electrical crackling) (explosion) Well, at least I'm cool now! (groans) Why does the guy have to do everything for the girl on Valentine's Day? We show girls love on Valentine's Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July.
I just pray they never fall on the same day.
Homie, read this.
MARGE: "My darling husband.
"This Valentine's Day, I have a present for you.
" Thanks for reading it to me.
My pleasure.
"I want you to have a fun night doing guy stuff.
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
" (gasps) Oh, Marge, this is brilliant! Mwah! I just think we should do things every day to show our love for each other.
(yells) Hmm? It's okay, Homie.
Go.
Have a good time.
Take Bart with you.
Oh, which one do you want? You have the most wonderful mom in the world, which is why I have no idea where she is or what she's doing.
(grunts) That's right, sucker! It's Valentine's Day, and I've got a date with some fastballs! (grunts) Lucky bastard.
I mean, my darling, I was looking at myself in the side view mirror.
(nervous laughing) (Homer laughing and taunting) I hope you hit one off the handle and your hands sting! (laughing) Ow! (laughing) (both laughing) (thud, grunts) (engines accelerating) (gunshots) (both laughing) (laughing) (dings) Lisa, I love spending mother-daughter time with you.
We have so much in common.
Like, um (gasps) Oh, no! Someone's about to put the Thousand Island ladle into the vinaigrette! Hmm? Sorry, sorry.
I didn't mean to be nosey.
Don't apologize.
It was dark, then a light came through the crack.
The light was you.
Oh You have a way with words.
Words are just nails we use to build ideas.
Care to continue this discussion at the dessert table? Mom, I'm gonna look at the desserts! Don't panic.
This can be separated out.
Quick, does anyone have a centrifuge?! (sighs, mutters) All I wanted was one romantic night.
(exasperated shout) Yep, you're the crack head.
(chuckles nervously) What dessert are you gonna get? I'll toss this fork into the air and wherever it lands, that's what I'll eat.
Hiya! (gasps) As Hemingway said, "The shortest answer is doing the thing.
" Um, I should probably get back to my mom.
By the way, my name is No! When I first hear your name, I want to be somewhere important, the peak of Kilimanjaro the back of a vaporetto in Venice, the Lisa! Now this is the most important place in the world.
Now that's a spicy meet-cute! Mwah! Lisa? MOE: Hey, Midge.
Want a piece of my ziti? That cost a nickel, but, uh, we'll settle up later.
Today we tackle the most terrifying myth in the history of Springfield Elementary, that if you press E-8 on the candy machine, you get electrocuted and die.
Wow.
Did you invent a robot hand to touch the buttons? Something like that.
(Milhouse gasps) (children gasping) (motor whirring, children whimpering) (thud) Ladies and gentlemen, that myth is cracked! Candy cigarettes? I didn't know they made these.
They were discontinued because they were thought to encourage impressionable children to smoke.
How dumb do they think we are? Mm-hmm.
Mmm! I can quit any time I want! This place is great! If I cover my peripheral vision, I feel like I'm in France.
(French accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) (accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) (accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) (accordion music plays) (hip-hop music plays) Ew How 'bout I just look at you.
(Spanish guitar plays) El Puerco, I must break up with you.
Oh, but the hand-holding is just too good.
(grunts angrily) Your juice boxes.
(slurps) It's nice.
Perhaps we can try a little harder, for the lady.
Such is the life of the juice boxiér.
Oh.
Marge, since you're by yourself, would you like to borrow one of my twins? But remember, the one you pick may not be the one you get.
Mom, I'm sorry I'm late.
No excuse, I just forgot all about you.
I'm not sure that patch really represents who I am right now.
Well, if you'd been here for the design phase, you could've registered that objection.
Now start quilting! (melodic grunting) Now there's three of you? ALL: Or maybe you're losing your mind.
According to the wisdom of our elders if you go all the way around on the swing, your body will turn inside-out! Cool! Now my beauty will be on the outside! (Milhouse yelling) He's still inside-in, folks! And just to prove it (camera snaps) ALL: Whoa! ("Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf playing) (song ends) MARGE: "She had now come to the part that Peter Pan hated.
'I do like a mother's love,' said Tootles" Mom, I have a crush! Is it on your father? Little girls always get crushes on their fathers.
Somehow I missed that phase.
Almost there, boy.
Almost there.
Almost there.
I'm getting closer.
It's just within reach.
The boy I like is Hemingway-esque! Okay.
Let's "esque" him to dinner.
(chuckles) Wow, Nick here in our house! I hope it doesn't make him think less of me.
This house is not an embarrassment! Hm, usually when I say something like that, something extremely embarrassing happens.
I'm gonna say good night before it does.
Good night.
(door bell rings) Well, Lisa didn't tell me that she had a sister.
(chuckles) Or a daughter.
Oh, my.
I don't know if anyone's ever kissed my hand before.
Well, your arms are lanky.
It's kind of a long trip down there.
My mother said I should bring some wine.
Hmm, the French have gotten into the wine game? Ha, good luck catchin' up with the big boys.
I'll get a couple glasses.
Mrs.
Simpson, I'd like your permission to take your daughter to the Doritos Nutrition Fair at the school gym.
Well, I usually take Lisa, but I can just go with Bart.
Wait.
What? No! You're going with me! But, Lisa, after this, I don't want you to spend so much time with this boy.
If you do, it'll mean you're a separate person from me.
That'll stop her from seeing him.
Mom can't appreciate the kind of boy Nick is, because although I love Dad, he's a completely different creature.
Yeah, there's a lot of fish in the sea, but she picked out a drunken walrus.
But you and this Nick fella sound to me like the story of Pyramus and Thisbe.
Which inspired Romeo and Juliet, which inspired West Side Story, which inspired me to say "eh.
" Pyramus and Thisbe were lovers from ancient times! They lived next door but their families despised each other.
I don't like to babble on, but I sure do like Babylon.
(gurgling) The lovers had to whisper their sweet nothings through a crack in the wall.
LISA: Wait a minute! Nick and I met talking through a crack between two booths! ABE: And the power of that forbidden smooch made them love each other forever.
(grunting) (laughing) LISA: Man, that company thinks every time it adds a wisecracking parrot to a story, they own it.
Talk to the wing, Thisbe! Grampa, would you help take me on a foolish romantic mission? Let me check my schedule.
This might work.
I think I'm free.
Tuesday's open.
You got it, kiddo! Legend has it a girl named Eleanor Mackie drowned on this very spot.
Now they say if you call her name three times while looking in this mirror, you will die.
Milhouse? (sighs) Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie! (all scream) Aw, gimme a break.
The one day the lunch lady decides to wash her hands.
Okay, that was the last school myth and it's officially cracked.
So, school is just everything we see? That's sad, man.
(dejected sighs) You into cigars now? It's a Twix.
I can't be the guy who killed everybody's fun.
That's Skinner's job.
Don't blame me.
You killed the fun, fun-killer.
(yawning) (growls) Milhouse, I've just figured out a way to make school cool again.
American Girl doll day?! You might be surprised at the number of boys who have American Girl dolls.
It's not weird 'cause they're historic figures.
(groaning) (growling) (yelps) I have found one last myth to destroy, the so-called legend of Groundskeeper Were-Willie.
Prepare to be disappointed! (moans) (howling) (all screaming) Gentlemen, we just created a myth.
Now there's a myth about me I'd like you to correct-- I'm not from Edinburgh! I'm also not from Glasgow! I'm from Kirkwall in Orkney! Me father was an Uppie, and me mother was a Doonie.
It tore the family apart! (sobbing) (police siren wails) Ow! Pull over.
You're wanted for grand theft retirement home.
The TV remote is in your pocket! (on TV): Hola! Yo soy Maury Povich.
Uno de estos siete hombres es el verdadero padre de este "crack baby.
" Everyone's speaking Spanish! But, if we stop now, we'll never make it there by sunset.
Run, young lovers! I'll take care of the cops! But, Grampa Go ahead! I ain't afraid of no prison! (grunts angrily) Sir, we're gonna bring you back to your retirement home.
No! (gunfire) Chief, we heard gunfire! Relax! It's just my back! (gunshot) And my hip.
(gunshot) Spinal column! (gunshot) Thanks for the ride, Mr.
Spuckler.
Yeah, I don't normally approve of out-breeding, but you two seem nice.
We can take this boat.
I don't know, this water's a little choppy.
I thought you rowed up the Zambezi without a guide.
Right, right.
(sighs) So, Dad, what kind of stupid idea did you put in Lisa's head? She wants to steal a kiss, like Pyramus and Thisbe.
Did you say "ultimate Frisbee"?! No! Oh (annoyed whining) (grunting) Women and shoes, am I right? (grunting) Your hands are really cold.
You know, you were a lot more adventurous at the dessert table.
I sure was-- I'm allergic to chocolate! Shut up and kiss me.
Lisa, it's Hadley Richardson, Hemingway's first wife.
Trust me, you're making a big mistake.
If you don't believe me, ask Pauline Pfeiffer.
I was his second wife.
There were two more after me.
Tortured writers make horrible husbands.
At least you chose to be with him.
I was just swimmin' along, mindin' my own business.
Next thing I know, I was hanging on his wall! He used to pee in the fireplace! (sobbing) Wait, how long is this love for again? Eternity.
Oh, that's a pretty long time.
Now my lips are getting cold.
(panting) Lisa! This isn't working out.
Lisa, I'm sorry that God gave me this gift of lying to girls, for a little while.
I'll see ya.
(panting) I feel kinda silly I walked all the way out here.
You're just fine.
You always are.
Thanks.
But I couldn't do it, Mom.
I mean, the person you kiss under a mulberry tree is someone you'll love for the rest of your life.
Mwah! (grunting) Don't worry, ladies, I'm-a comin'! D'oh! (gurgling): D'oh Ooh, you know, I've heard if a fat guy stops moving, he floats.
Shh!