The Simpsons s23e14 Episode Script

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screech) D'oh! (grunts) Why, you little! (grunting) Good evening.
It is with great sadness I inform you that America and China have declared war, and a massive nuclear attack is expected to reach our shores within the hour.
(shrieks) (chuckles) That's the sort of hypothetical emergency today's disaster preparedness drill is designed to get us ready for.
Hmm? (sighs) All Springfielders should now move off the streets and inside their homes.
Please avoid the superstitious panic which marked the recent lunar eclipse.
(Homer chuckles) Sorry, Dad.
I was afraid the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.
You idjit! The dragon always coughs the moon back up! I know it's futile, but I must again point out there is no dragon.
Then why am I paying $800 a year in dragon insurance? Again, I maintain that money would be better spent on car insurance.
Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars.
Geez, pick up a book.
Now remember, this is only a drill.
Ah! The missiles really are coming! The so-called drill is just a way to get you into shelters without causing total chaos! Is what I would say, if this weren't a drill.
This is not a drill! Now we're supposed to stay down in our storm cellar for three hours.
So do your farting now.
Homie, what if that was the last thing you ever said? Don't worry.
My last words will be "I can outrun that lion.
" (sighs) (Homer humming) HOMER: All right, everybody in.
All right, who's the wisenheimer that's been eating the powdered food? Not me.
(coughs) Two can play at that game.
(grunts) (gagging) I can do this! I can do this! (gagging) (groans) Boy, I told you an hour ago, stop that! But Bunkerball is keeping us sane! Do we really have to sit here the whole time? I mean, if we went out now, it might be cool to see the town empty.
Yeah, I could sneak into the school and write whatever I want on the chalkboard! I could see a planetarium show without the secondhand marijuana! And I can drive drunk while I'm actually sober! (tires squealing) It's fun, but not as fun.
That's odd.
Why are all those cars parked at City Hall? BART: Ay caramba! If I didn't know better, I'd say it's a town meeting.
Not without us, it isn't.
Pull over.
Welcome to this secret meeting, made possible by the fake disaster drill.
And a special thanks for the hard work of the Mystery And Secrecy Committee.
CHALMER: We have names, you know.
Quit complaining! You only meet once a month! Yes, but the meetings last eight hours! DISCO STU: Shut up! Shut up! This is the most fun I have! And now for the reason we are here.
What's going on? Why is there a picture of us? This isn't good.
Oh, honey, why must you always assume that a huge picture of us at a secret meeting we weren't told about is a bad thing? The results are in: this town has voted unanimously to get rid of Springfield's unending nightmare: the Simpsons.
ALL: D'oh! They're here! The monsters are here! Moe, it's me, Marge.
I'm your friend.
The monster queen is coming on to me! Why would you want to banish us from Springfield? Yeah.
We're like family to you.
I'm talking to you, headphone-bus-driver guy.
I'll have you know I'm also a hair donor! Salma Hayek wore me to the Oscars! This is not about who wore whose hair where.
We are here to banish the Simpsons, although we are not pleased to be doing so.
I am! Me, too.
I feel like a kid at Christmas! I believe you know my position.
I know we're all happy.
I'm just trying to spare their feelings.
Those freaks have no feelings! Even baby never cry! MAN: She's a freak! What baby does that?! Why would an entire town go to all this fuss to get rid of one family? What have we done that's so terrible? I'm glad you asked.
The simple fact is the city is going broke cleaning up after Homer's drunken shenanigans (audience clamoring) We won! Whoo-hoo! Homer, that is not banishment-hearing behavior! Bart's pranks, which dwindle in humor as they rise in destruction (audience booing) and Liser's environmental initiatives (audience clamoring) If I may speak.
Mm-hmm.
We're not monsters.
We're just people.
People who love each other and love this town, (voice breaks): the only place we've ever called home.
Thank you.
(sobs) Marge, you are a sweet woman and you make us see your family in a more forgiving light.
Thank you.
Which is why you're the worst Simpson of all! Huh?! ALL: Yeah, yeah! Now, now, now just a second here.
Now, I know we're not perfect.
but, uh, I believe it was Sammy Hagar who said SIDESHOW MEL: Silence! D'oh! That was an "inside me" bone! (grunts) (audience clamoring) Make way for Captain Coolerhead! Now, I like a good old-fashioned witch trial as much as the next person, but I do not think we should be so quick to judge our long-time neighbors.
Not so fast, Flanders.
We knew you'd be the voice of mercy, and we're prepared to answer your concerns.
(grunts) Any other objections? I withdraw my diddily.
(sighs) (cheering) (band playing "Happy Days Are Here Again") Oh I always thought "tarred and feathered" was just a figure of speech.
Good luck patching potholes and stuffing pillows now! (clears throat) Simpson, in accordance with article six, section two of the town charter Wait! If you banish us, you shall be cursed with a thousand-year drought.
(thunder crashing) I mean, a thousand-year flood! D'oh! I mean, a thousand years of perfect weather.
Just get out.
I'm a rolling stone All alone and lost (over radio): For a life of sin I have paid the cost (music fades out) Oh, that was the last Springfield radio station.
Now we just get Shelbyville talk radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: If you see a Simpson, do not try to reason with it.
Just kill it and turn in the pelt for a free soda.
Soda, eh? Mmm.
Dad, where are we going? Do we have a plan? (sobbing) Oh, let's face it.
I'm the one that's brought this fate upon us.
And there's only one way out: I've gotta man up.
Okay, manning up manning up.
Manning oh, girling down! (sobbing): Girling down! Hey, Henrietta Hippo, I've got to drain the inchworm.
(sighs) Fine.
(Bart humming) (rifle cocks) Please, put that down.
BART: I just got started.
Not you.
Him! You best get back where you belong.
Please, sir, we've been thrown out of a place we've always called home.
We just want to live out our lives in peace.
Rejected by society, huh? Well, why didn't you say so? Welcome to the off-the-grid unincorporated settlement we proudly call "The Outlands.
" (gasping, gun cocking) We've found a new home.
When God shuts a door, he opens a window.
Oh, I wouldn't be openin' no windows.
Coyotes will take your baby.
(coyote howls) MOUNTAIN MAN (sings): (The Simpsons opening theme playing) (groans) (tires screeching) D'oh! (horses neigh, Homer grunts) (theme music ends) Eh, I'm sick of watching Fox.
Let's get some fresh air.
I got the ATVs right out back.
Should I get my helmet? Helmet? That's Springfield talk.
(starter cranking, engine stalling) Is there gas in these? Springfield talk! Well, how are we supposed to get fuel? Private plane crashes.
Ah, smell that unpolluted air! You know, I'm glad we're in exile.
Yep, I never realized how much I hated every single one of my friends and relatives.
I don't think this place is so great.
(hissing) I'm trying to make the best of things, but I'm worried Maggie is falling in with a bad crowd.
(babies chanting) I miss our home, and I want to go back.
It's not perfect here, but it is close to nature and if you have an axe to grind, WikiLeaks is right over there.
(radar pinging) How're you doin', Mr.
Assange? That's my personal information, and you have no right to know about it.
Hey, but we're neighbors.
would you like to come over for a movie sometime? Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered? Don't be ridiculous.
It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
Aw Well I've got a really big secret for you.
(loud whisper): I'm not wearing any underwear.
You know, you should really get out less.
(beeping) (beep) He's no Ned Flanders.
And I miss the Springfield sign and how every street is a dead end.
God help me, I even miss Helen Lovejoy criticizing my brownies.
(crying) Hey, baby, banned forever doesn't mean you can't go back sometimes.
Yes, it does.
Pipe down, boy! (whispers): I'm sneaking you back into Springfield.
(whistling a melody) (imitates Burns): Oh, Smithers? (exhales sharply) Homie, these disguises won't fool anyone.
Pish tosh, Smithers, and fiddle-dee-dee! (normal voice): Heh-heh, nailed it.
WIGGUM: Hold it right there.
Mr.
Burns, you might catch a cold out this late.
You want my jacket? Here, let me warm my gun up for you.
(like Burns): Excellent! Yeah, it wouldn't be you if you didn't say "excellent.
" (loud gulping) (slurring): You know what's great about you, Marge? After all these years, you can still shinny up the donut and then pull me up after you.
Look! A shooting star! (loud boom) (sighs): Ah You ever wonder if there are donut shops on other planets? On a night like tonight, I have to believe there are.
(grumbles) (grunts) Strike! Whoo-hoo! Want to make out over the foul line? Ever since the day we met.
The old homestead.
Remember when we moved in (like Walter Matthau): and I talked like this? (giggles) Ooh, ooh Mmm, mmm, mmm (giggling) (chuckles) Eh, there's no sex like fugitive sex.
Home sweet squat.
Yeah.
This place is awesome, but it's not puppy-safe.
And my little guy's coming home tomorrow.
(drill whirring in distance) (trembling): Someone's downstairs! Shh.
I think I heard a pair of underpants being picked up off the ground.
Big ones.
(all gasp) It's them! Bart's mom and the fat guy! Let's turn them in! WIGGUM (over bullhorn): Not so fast.
This case was already cracked by the last person you'd expect: the Chief of Police! You really thought you could fool me with that Burns and Smithers getup.
I mean, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the pencil thing, but I'm least as smart as a cat.
Right, Lou? Uh, what breed, Chief? I mean, I saw an Abyssinian once who could change channels.
Eh, that is pretty smart.
All right, you caught us.
What are you gonna do about it, throw us out of town again? Crucify them! And screw the boulder in tight! Make them write monologue jokes! Cancel their subscription to the opera! We hate opera! Then get them a subscription to the opera! No! I say shoot 'em! Now, hold on just a minute.
Nobody said anything about shooting.
I did, just now.
That's right, you did.
Well, all right.
(hammers cock) Okay.
Don't even bother shooting us.
We've found a new place that we love, a place that may not have indoor plumbing, but it's got something we treasure more.
Yeah! Non-jerks! (all gasp) Maybe he's right-- we are jerks.
You want I should spray some of my Jerk Off on you? Uh it's okay.
In our new community, people accept others for who they are.
I thought I wanted to come back to my house, but instead, I'm going to go back to my home.
Well, bah to them! Let's go, Smithers.
(chuckles) Getting a little clingy, aren't we? (chattering) Oh, all right.
That's all it took? I just had to ask? (humming a melody) Well, I've tightened the bolt.
I think we're good.
You sure this is a good idea? This is the outlands, boy.
Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free.
Power on! (loud whooshing) I was wrong-- there are bad ideas! There are terrible ideas! (Homer screaming) (whooshing) HOMER: Now I'm over here! (mewing) (gasps) I'm on it.
(blows landing) Ow! (grunts) Lenny Lenford.
You're a long way from your bar stool.
I'm I'm here as a friend, looking for a better way of life.
(whooshing) (whooshing stops) (grunting) Mm.
Hey, Lenny.
Welcome aboard.
Whew! Now, I got to warn you, if you find a little black thing on your pillow, it won't be a mint.
I don't mind-- I want a fresh start, and so does Carl.
Get her off! Get her off! (laughs) Let her slice off the tip of your ear, and she'll go right to sleep.
No.
That's not a choice you get to make.
Ooh, this is pretty tasty.
Yup.
And I like how it's dissolving a hole in the cup.
(sizzling) Hey, guys! What can I getcha? Forget it! We don't need some big-city bartender charging us an arm and a leg for something we can do ourselves.
Sure, sure, I understand.
But if you change your minds, I'll be here in this cave.
(humming) I got a funny feeling our paradise is about to get ruined by unwanted guests.
I probably shouldn't have given this place five stars on Yelp.
Well, I rented that plane.
(grunts) Oh, that tears it.
I am not comfortable being this close to medical care.
Out of here.
What are you doing here? I, uh, heard everything was going great in your new Eden, with one flaw: you lack a corrupt city government.
True, true.
And a school system that teaches to the tests, sneaks the kids the answers and still fails.
Stop! Stop! This is everything we put behind us.
You can't leave civilization, Marge! Humanity is an inexorable upward march! Or was till the year 2000.
Well, I did miss a few things about the grid like everything! (all grunting) Maureen Dowd, we've got a lot of catching up to do.
I'm sure someone will come back and tell me where they went.
(wind whistling softly) If I go inside, they might not find me.
We'll meet again Don't know where Don't know when But I know We'll meet again Some sunny day (helicopter blades whirring) Aw, come on, man, we wouldn't leave you behind.
Bless you, boy! Ow! Accident.
Here comes another one.
(loud thump) Ow! (thump) Ow! It's nice to be wanted.
MOUNTAIN MAN: The Outlands.