The Simpsons s23e21 Episode Script

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (yells) (panting) (couch squawks) (Bart grunts) (yells) DIRECTOR: Okay, people, we are trying to depict the sizzling final days of the Nathan Lane of the New Testament, Jesus Christ.
Now remember, this is the Passion Play, not The Phone It In Play.
not the I Once Had Three Shows on Broadway Simultaneously But I Blew All My Money on Coke and Now Here I Am Play, so let's do this thing! Hi.
My name is Milhouse Van Houten, and I am auditioning for the role of Child Who Points.
Yeah, okay, point stage left.
I prepared right! Well, I better get going.
This is starting to feel a little churchy.
Why do we have to audition for the stupid play, and Dad gets to leave? I already have my part.
Man Who Buys Ticket, But Doesn't Show Up.
Also, the Passion Play isn't stupid.
It's the greatest story ever told.
Maybe it was once, but now there's lots of better stories.
Hitler mashups! And Lenny's story about Cancun.
Yeah, why aren't we doing Lenny's story? That thing's hilarious.
Not so hilarious for me.
I nearly lost a toe.
That's what you get for having a monkey give you a foot massage.
My bucket list is my business.
Next audition! Ah-ha-ha.
Name's Ned Flanders.
Credits include Jesus in the Passion Play last year, Jesus in the Passion Play the year before that, Jesus, Jesus, a kindly hobo who turns out to be-- you guessed it-- Saint Peter Enough! Enough, already.
I'm so bored I'm ready to introduce myself to my two assistants here.
You will be a non-speaking Pharisee.
But-but-but Jesus didn't stammer! His voice hit the back of the theater! He was a god who turned water into wine and did not wear shoes.
Ooh! He said simple things that many followed.
Just like me on Twitter! (chuckles) And he was tragically killed while still in his 30s D'oh! after an all-night dinner.
Woo-hoo! I'm your Jesus! Me! Boom.
Done.
This guy's perfect! You understand why God would have forsaken him.
(chuckling) Well, congratulations, Homer.
I guess this is just my cross to bear.
What's that a reference to? Oh! Ooh, nice and roomy.
Our Lord sure knew how to keep 'em cool.
Dad? Yes, sweetie? First of all, congratulations on getting the lead.
Whee! Whee! I just hope you're going to take this seriously.
Oh, yes, Lisa.
Very seriously.
Whee! Dad, the story of the Passion is the cornerstone of the Christian faith.
And although I personally follow the enlightened teachings of Lord Buddha, messing with Jesus really gets people mad.
It's like wearing a Florida State jersey to a Florida game.
(gasps) O Lord, why have you placed this fearsome burden on my shoulders? (sobbing) It'll be fine.
Just learn your lines.
Does Jesus have a big part in this thing? He's in every scene.
What? (sobbing loudly) Why do I succeed at everything I audition for? Dear Lord, I know you see all, but trust me, You do not want to see this.
And so our Lord was brought before Pontius Pilate.
What's he in for? He calls himself "King of the Jews.
" Oh, boy.
Okay, be straight with me.
You can probably plead this down to crucifixion.
Do you call yourself King of the Jews? Thou sayest it.
(exclaiming) He's good.
Wow, I'm so moved I renounce science, with the facts, and the peer reviews, and the hypotheses tested by evidence.
What shall I do then with Jesus, which is called Christ? Crucify him! They cannot judge me.
Only my father can judge me.
Crucify him! I'll take you with me, old man! Jesus was handed a heavy cross, and upon his brow was placed a crown Ooh! of thorns.
What the? (groans) (crying) Daughters of Jerusalem! Weep not for me, but weep for yourselves.
You know, Homer's giving it the old Bible-college try.
Maybe I should've dialed down the Doubting Thomas.
Silence, Pharisee! (grunting) Looks like someone didn't follow the underwear rule! This man is totally the Son of God.
Tonight you shall be at my right hand in heaven.
All right! It pays to network at these things.
Jesus cried again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.
(cries out in anguish) (quietly): Lord, forgive me for my pride.
All wise as always, you have rightly raised Homer above me.
Never again will I question (yells) Out of my way, stupid Flanders! Ow! Ah, I knew we should've done Spamalot.
I'm not licked.
I'll just make them think this was planned.
(imitates drum brushes) Who's to say This didn't happen Who's to say And curtain! Diddily doodily No atheist blood, please.
Sorry, ma'am, only members of the immediate family allowed in.
It's okay.
She's my wife.
(gasping) Ned and Edna, married? That's right.
Ha! CROWD: Wow! Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Dad.
You remember when you said if Flanders got remarried you'd eat your hat? Uh-oh.
Ooh, licorice! Mmm, historically inaccurate.
Well, it was nice having a secret marriage while it lasted.
Well, sir, now we'll have an open marriage! Um you do know what that means? No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich wouldn't steer us wrong.
At least in the hospital we can just enjoy a nice, quiet moment together.
(chuckling) Congratulations, you two! We're so, so happy for you.
Welcome to marriage.
(laughs) Another good man bites the dust.
Homer! I'm talking about this guy! Oh, I sure envy him.
Homer! I mean, I envy Flanders, once again enjoying the joys of marriage.
Let's put it to a vote, America.
Enough with the voting.
Ned, Edna, why didn't you tell us? 'Cause everyone in this town makes such a big heckabaloo out of everything.
Nedding bells are ringing.
See what happens when Teachy met Preachy on Channel 6, your source for news-based puns.
I was just down the hall getting some very bad news, and I saw there was a party going on.
Congratulations from the Mayor.
Vote Quimby.
Many happy returns! Hope you're both happy.
Edna, as the runner-up in the race for your heart, I would like to make a toast.
My Dearest, let me be the first to offer you the hearty handshake that would've climaxed our own wedding day Seymour, did you use my wig glue to patch your shoes again? I tied them together with used dental floss, as per your memo! Everybody out.
Now! (grumbling) Not you.
Mmm.
O Lord, please bless our blended family.
And thank you for "cigarette mommy.
" Oh, honey, please don't call me that.
Okay, "do-over mommy.
" Boys, you will please call your new mother whatever she feels comfortable with.
How about "Edna?" It's disrespectful to call a grown-up by their first name.
BART: Yo, Homer, Mom says get your fat ass over to the Flanders'.
Bart! Don't call me that! Which one? "Homer" or "fat ass"? HOMER: Why, you little They're both bad, and I suspect you know it! BART: Get your hands off of me, you fat ass! (doorbell rings) Ned, Edna.
We just want to apologize (growling) for the commotion in your room.
People here do not respect boundaries.
Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop? Sorry.
Well, we're here to offer to throw you a little party in your honor.
A little party might be fun.
The only guests at our wedding were Ned's parents.
Look at those squares, makin' it nice and legal.
We didn't need a piece of paper! We had a paper, Nedward.
We just rolled it and smoked it.
Oh, yeah.
We got high-diddily-high on that reeferino.
Less news from the pews.
Okay, Simpsons.
Well, call me a cock-eyed optimist 'cause I think some sort of celebration party might possibly be fun! Great! We'll take care of everything.
We'll just need to borrow your punch bowl, your portable dance floor, your banner printer, banner ink, and a ream of blank banners.
Okay, there's no school; your dad's at work; and it's really coming down.
Anyone for Scrabble? Only God can make words.
Right, right.
Yahtzee? Dice are Satan's bones.
What the hey, Mrs.
K? Thank God, a real kid.
You want my advice on dealing with the Hardly Boys? Why do you care? I don't.
I'm just bored watching worms drown.
Okay, what do you got? Well, what you got to do is get them into the real world.
Skipping is cool! Especially when you're holding hands with your brother.
If you don't act now, when they grow up, people like me are gonna take all their money and girlfriends.
Oh, come on.
They're not that hopeless.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! (whimpers) This is my third-favorite wedding supply store.
Whoo! Look at these.
"Extreme weddings.
"Triathlon "Zero-G Tie the knot at the top of Mount Everest"? It's extreme enough for me when they smear the wedding cake on each other's faces.
So, Marge, the rumors are true.
Why did you get to throw a party for Ned and Edna and not me? Well, you're all invited so you can make your snippy comments while you eat my hors d'oeuvres.
Snippy? How can you say that in those shoes? (grunts) They have Itchy and Scratchy weddings? (laughing) Ready to go home, Ned? I'm sorry, honey, but I'm stuck in this meeting of the Springfield LGBT.
The left-gifted bidextrous and transhanded community.
We're trying to decide on the theme for our Left is Right parade.
"Ourcissors, Ourselves.
" How about, "Death to Righties"? We have to live among them.
To live among them is to die.
(all arguing) Oh, this could go late.
We haven't even ordered pizzas and pop yet.
Could you handle Rod and Todd's parent-teacher conference for me? Sure, I'd love to be the parent for once.
Now I can bring a latte and leave the cup on the desk.
Ha! (glass breaks) Sorry.
I'm still a pre-op transhander.
TEACHER: Well, I must say at this school we've never seen a step-parent before.
Look, I'm a chalk jockey, too, so don't slap ketchup on bread and tell me it's Pizza Friday.
You teach with that mouth? Yes.
I teach at Springfield Elementary, and we believe that Public school? Well, I'll be a monkey's unrelated creature.
Well, we'll fit you into our school prayers.
You do have science here, right? We sure do.
Behold advanced astronomy.
You pulled the boys out of school? Ned, I know I should have consulted you, but that school is beneath them.
Take my word as a teacher of 15 years.
Well, sir, when we got married, I knew I'd find some spices in my chili.
I guess they can go to Springfield Hellementary.
Oh! Mm-hmm.
(moaning) Why are we here, Neddy? Well, first of all, I think talking dogs are the spawn of the devil.
Yeah, but Secondly, we're watching my little Toddy graduate from college.
Oh, now aren't you glad you let Edna take charge of the boys' education? Yep, it's lucky she's not in my taxes 'cause I underestimated her.
Wait a minute.
Liberal professors, feminist workshops, abstract sculptures.
This isn't a Midwestern Bible college.
This is an elite East Coast university.
It's okay, Daddy.
I majored in religious studies.
Whew! Comparative religious studies.
(screams) (tires screech) Give me your keys! Maybe I'll just park it myself.
Why are you parking yourself? Why are you parking yourself? We haven't taken in one car all day.
You really put on a great reception, Marge.
It's like the happy flashback in a gritty cop thriller.
Thank you.
Everyone's having a great time.
Uh-oh.
Helen, have a canapé.
There's enough for everyone.
But not too much.
(chuckles) (gasps) (both giggling) Yar No weird hookups! Call me! I'm married to the sea, and I'm seeing two of the Great Lakes on the side.
I won't say which ones, but it's eerie how superior they are.
So how do the boys like Springfield Elementary? Marge, it's wonderful.
They're opening up, they've seen a wider world.
I wrote with a Flair pen.
(chuckles) Well, that's just great, boys.
Now come over here so Mrs.
Simpson can take a photo.
Make sure our temporary tats are in the picture.
Mine's a sassy princess who speaks her mind.
Oh! Mine's a duck with no pants.
What if we were raptured right now? Ned, I said it was okay.
Yeah, chillax, Daddy.
Chillax? Young man in the Flanders' house we speak the King's diddily.
Time for cake! Let's finish this sucker up.
You get my boys tattoos, you change their school, you buy Rod sneakers that light up like Times Square.
Shoes are shoes and lights are lights.
Now just when do I get a say in how my boys are raised?! This marriage isn't perfect! (phones beeping) No video! Party over! Cake! Too late, Marge.
Mm! Ned, these boys trust me to be their mother.
You'd better decide whether you do.
(gasps) And that's that.
Another story in the classic, infallible three-act structure.
Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for the Simpsons.
Mr.
Syzslak, I have a feeling there's gonna be one more act to this story.
Well, I'm not hanging around for that.
Four acts Ned, how did you sleep? Fine, I guess.
Thanks for loaning me your pajamas, Homer.
And Marge, thank you for those helpful chip bag clips.
(clacking) I just felt so ashamed, I couldn't go home.
Yesterday I gave in to the one thing I vowed I would never have in my marriage: strong feeling.
Here's your lunches with some cake.
You'll be having cake for a long, long time.
Bart, aren't you gonna tell Mom and Dad about the problem you have? Shut up! I'm just saying it won't get better unless you talk to an adult.
Maggie knows how to keep a secret.
Why can't you? Bart, is there something you want to tell us? Oh, Marge, let the kid have his embarrassing secrets and lies.
That is totally irresponsible parenting.
Not according to the Internet.
Where on the Internet? I'm sure some idiot somewhere agrees with me.
Why would you believe him? Because his avatar is Darth Maul, the second-coolest Darth.
And what he says is true because it's in all caps.
Are you gonna argue with caps? Why does that make it right? He took the time to press the shift key, Marge.
I think he knows what he's talking about.
So after all this time together you two still haven't agreed on how to raise your kids? Ned, I realized long ago there are some things Homer and I will never completely agree on.
(chuckles) Yeah, but we make sure never to go to bed hungry.
It's "angry.
" Don't tell me what our thing is! It's about not agreeing on something.
I've always said hungry! Bart, just tell us the problem.
I'm keeping a dolphin in my bathtub! I thought I heard clicks and pops! (microphone feeds back) Children, your test scores are down because we've been having so many assemblies, you haven't had time to study.
This assembly will remedy that.
We've invited a few friends over to give you some musical cues.
(piano plays bouncy intro) I'm Sally Scantron Sheet.
And I'm Peter Pencil.
Now, you didn't hear it from us, but the answers to the test are (to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"): A, B, D, D, C, A, B Are you just giving them the answers? They still have to sign their names properly, so we're not totally out of woods.
Pause the assembly! I have to talk to my wife.
Ned? My rival.
Some rivalry.
It's like Secretariat versus a can of dog food.
Edna, I'm sorry and I'll say it in front of God or groundskeeper Willie.
Oh, Ned, I'm sorry, too.
I overstepped your boundaries.
I guess I never really truly cared about children before.
(all gasp) Oh, get over it.
And Ned, I'll be exactly as much mom as you want me to be.
Hey, the Simpsons make it up as they go along, and they're as happy as a ribbon in a Bible.
What do you say, sweetie? Ha! Mmm Mmm (cheering) Now in our 50th location in Springfield.
Sleazy Sam would like to welcome our special grand-opening star, Jesus.
Welcome, money changers.
You can trust Sleazy Sam for the best rates, or my name isn't Jesus H.
Ow! Are you gonna do that every time I open one of these? SINGERS: Hens love roosters, geese love ganders Everyone else loves Ned Flanders (record needle skips) NED: My mustache is bristly, my letters are epistly And I don't want to mislead you I like to hug and kissly EDNA: Ha! First base, yo, I like Christian rap A Bible on my lap HOMER: Will you stop this stupid crap? I want to take a nap.
NED: Okely-dokely.
Shh!