The Simpsons s23e22 Episode Script

(quacking) The Simpsons.
(grunting) (angry grunt) NARRATOR: See that town? Goes by the name of Springfield.
Birthplace of the brass knuckle, the Nigerian Prince scam, and putting a tomato on your grilled cheese sandwich.
(humming) Our story begins not long ago on what seemed like a typical day.
Ralphie, please.
That's not for people, son.
(barking) Aw, he's a dumb kid, but he's an above-average dog.
Roll over, son.
Yay! Aw, nobody saw.
NARRATOR: But little did they know, a change was coming.
First, the creatures of the Earth sensed it, then the fish of the deep.
Then the Mormons got a heads-up.
And then everybody else.
Strange doin's, Mother.
Horses are spooked, cows ain't milkin', and look what the chickens laid.
FARMWIFE: Sparkle eggs?! (wind whistles) Storm's a-comin'.
Ain't no storm, Pa.
It's The Lady Gaga Express! (Lady Gaga's Poker Face plays) PISTONS (chanting): She's-a-star! She's-a-star! She's-a-star! She's-a-star! Presenting the Queen of the Hottieverse, appearing courtesy of Interscope Records, Lady Gaga! At ease.
Conductor, you know the rules.
Take off some clothes.
Oh, uh, yes, ma'am.
sorry, ma'am.
Now, what's our status? We are about to pass through uh, Springfield.
Springfield? What's their deal? Hm, let's see, quiet suburb Really? Aw That's so sad.
And as entertainers, it is our solemn duty to cheer them up for a little while.
Gaga, it's my job to keep you away from ugly bumps on the map like Springfield.
Don't worry, we'll get you right on a plane.
No! Don't you remember what happened at LaGuardia? Ready.
Yeah, well, uh, you missed your flight.
Then we'll party on the boarding ramp! (party music playing) Wait! I quit! We spend 90 minutes training 'em and off they go.
I just can't ignore a billboard in pain.
We're stopping in Springfield! But No buts! NARRATOR: Well, Lady Gaga couldn't arrive soon enough for one Lisa Simpson.
Now let's turn to the ever-unpopular "Popularity Awards," the awards voted by students, in judgment of their peers.
No way that can go wrong.
First up, Campus Clown.
(laughing) Bart Simpson.
(Simpsons theme plays) That's my brother.
(chuckles) Four years out of four.
(camera shutter clicks) Prank you! Prank you very much! (pops) (growls) (audience laughs) BART: Call back.
I fail to see the honor in this.
Aren't awards shows rather silly? What?! Without awards shows, how would I know what movie has the best beheading, or that Glee is a comedy? And now the award for Least Popular Student.
Lisa Simpson! What? Least Popular? (sobbing) I gotta go.
You probably should accept it, Lisa.
They'll go easier on you if you do.
(sobbing): Um Thank you for noticing me.
(all laughing) She actually accepted it! You said they'd take it easy on me.
I know very little about children.
We've got to cheer up a whole town.
Where's the dress I wore when I met the Pope? It's nice, but I saw Jennifer Lopez wearing it.
Burn it.
Burn it now.
MAN: Help! Help! I've been on here since Chicago! I just want my life back! No negativity! Oh, you're right.
I'm missing a terrible winter! And that's how Berber carpet got its name according to some.
Lisa, how was your day? Um, can I be excused from holding up my end of the conversation? What's wrong with her? She just found out no one likes her.
(loud whisper): I thought she knew.
Hey, Lisa, maybe you'd feel a little better if you read the Daily Fourth Gradian Message Board, huh? Let's see.
"Uncensored Jump-rope Chants.
" Oh, there's a whole thread labeled "Lisa Simpson"! (muttering) Wha? Ay carumba.
Somebody's actually on your side! (chokes) "Lisa doesn't judge other people.
Why should we judge her?" It's signed, "Truth Teller.
" Whoever this "Truth Teller" is, I'm a fan.
It takes a lot of courage to post nice things anonymously.
You know, it seems like more than a coincidence that Milhouse brought it to our attention.
Hm? (chuckles) Well, I certainly wish I was Truth Teller.
But if I was, you'd know, because I can't keep a secret.
I sleep under my bed every night 'cause I'm scared of the cars from Cars.
If gasoline is their food, then why do they have teeth?! So, Lisa, I guess you're not as unpopular as we thought.
Yep.
Message boards are never wrong.
Well, um, maybe we should skip rope together.
Dutch? BOTH: Double Dutch.
(gasps) Forgive a fool her tears.
Hey, Lis, some fifth graders are having a make-your-own pizza party at Flesh-In-The-Pan Pizza, and wanted me to invite you.
Fifth graders? Ooh-la-la! They get to put their desks in a circle! And read books where the parents are divorced.
That joint is jumpin'.
So, when's the party? (gasps) "Lisa rocks, and so does her rock collection.
" Huh? (gasps) That's mine! This notebook is full of things Truth Teller said.
Give that back! This one says "post next Friday.
" (gasps) Oh, my God! You're Truth Teller! (kids gasp) Lisa, what you did is like my mom sticking ten bucks in her own G-string.
Truth Teller? More like Lie Smeller! KIDS (chanting): Lie Smeller! Lie Smeller! Oh, great, it stuck! (sobbing) Take five.
(soda can tabs pop) Hey, easy on the soda.
I don't want gassy demons like last night.
Jerry.
(moans) Wait a minute No! No, no! (moans) Brrr Make it stop! Oh! Oh Someone in Springfield needs my help.
Light up the after-bras.
That's it, I am off of this stuff.
Me, too, sweetheart.
Kids? Yes, Mama.
No exceptions! Kent Brockman reporting live from the Springfield rail yards, where Lady Gaga's fabulous freighter has bumped and grinded its way into town.
Suffice it to say, this is the most culturally significant train to stop here since the McKinley funeral cortege paused to pick up casket ice.
Now, sweetie, don't make a big deal out of this.
I stopped reading after "Top Student.
" Want to honk your jazz tube? Oh, what is the point? I think this is the end of me.
All I had was my integrity.
And now that's gone.
(sobbing): I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
I try not to cry till you're asleep.
I appreciate that.
(groans) (sobbing): Look, if I could just spend a few days in my room without anyone trying to cheer me up, I think I might have a chance to Hey, why don't we go see Lady Gaga? That'll turn your frown upside down.
It's not a frown.
It is a straight line of resignation.
Looks just the same upside down.
What are you talking about? Y-You're right! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Dad, if you really want to help, please stop trying to help.
I will, but you know me and my crazy number thing where I always have to get to 17.
Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Whoops, I lost count.
Better start again.
Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! (sighs) CROWD (chanting): Gaga-oo-la-la.
Gaga-ra-ma-ma.
Come on, Lisa, come on.
I'm sorry, I don't really want to be here.
Claws up, Springfield! Never forget, you're all my Little Monsters! Uh, actually, I'm half monster, half Armenian.
Pick your poison.
And you should love yourselves as much as I love you, because Tell us in song.
Because With theatricality.
Come on, I woke up for this.
CROWD: Four! Three! Two! Where are they going with this? CROWD: One! (gasps) (sighs) Ah! When they're young All little monsters learn that they are scary Ugly, stupid, shunned by cupid, overweight and hairy But every monster needs to find that secret deep inside That transforms Dr.
Jekyll into sexy Mr.
Hyde All my monsters are beautiful Disco Stu-tiful Square root-iful Old coot-iful I love you, Lady Zsa Zsa! Monsters don't need implants or a bitchin' monster car Monsters only need to love the monster that they are Oh, yeah Gaga Dada Jawa Peace! (crowd cheers) Ew.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! (whistles) BART: All right! Lie Smeller! Lie Smeller! (sobbing) Does everyone love themselves? (crowd cheers) That kind of thing sounds hollow from anyone but you! Now, we have to get going.
Wait a minute.
No.
No, no! (moans) (sings powerful melody) GAGA: You! What's wrong, honey? Please, I've had enough attention for one day! Yo, lighting! I can't see the girl who's had enough attention.
We should go to your house and talk.
Incognito! Oh, God.
Psst! It's me, Gaga.
But no one must know.
HOODIE VOICE CHIP (monotone): Gaga.
Gaga.
Gaga.
So peaceful.
Just the buzzing of the paparazzi.
(cameras snapping) Hey, Gary.
How's your wife and kids? Still ashamed of me.
Big smile! This is where I live.
Well, hello.
It's one of those music industry superstars who's turning our innocent children into ladies of the night.
What sweater drawer did you crawl out of? (chuckles): Name's Ned Flanders, I've heard of you.
Haven't seen so much skin since shedding season on a snake farm.
But all I'm saying is that everyone is beautiful Yes, but Jesus said that pretty much the same thing.
Darn it, the Bible said the Devil would be attractive.
What makes you think I'm the Devil? Unless you're gonna slap some wieners on those, turn 'em off.
Joke's on you; I needed a trim.
(Gaga groaning) Bastards! Lisa, look at me.
So what if your number one supporter is you.
That's how it should be.
I had some very tough times myself before I became a superstar at age 22.
Everything is gonna be fine.
You better yet? (phone chimes) Sorry, gotta answer this text.
Please, take your time.
You know what you need? Solitude? Flash mob! Now, Lisa, if that didn't fundamentally change who you are, I don't know what.
You idiots! She meant we should disperse.
Lisa, you un-tattooed little miracle, I'm not leaving here until I restore your sense of hope.
Let me explain.
I have a chance for a grim but tolerable life, but only if I give up hope.
Now if you don't mind, and with all due worship, I would like to be alone.
Lady Gaga, meet your biggest threat: Baby Googoo.
Can I please be alone? Well, it worked once.
So, any ideas about Lisa? (sighs) I never have any idea what to do for Lisa.
To be the mother of someone who's so smart and so sensitive and who beautifully plays an instrument (sotto voice): I don't really care for, (sobbing): it's so hard.
I wish I was one of those young women who could just wave their hands in front of their eyes and not cry, because it doesn't work for me.
(yells) Marge (yells) Ah Ooh! Aah! Ooh! Marge.
Marge.
Marge.
Hm Marge, take it easy.
(groans) It's just human contact.
I'm afraid handholding isn't going to cheer me up.
Well, maybe this will.
Homer! Wow.
Wow.
This is like the night Hillary won the New Hampshire Primary.
Lisa snuck out.
I'm going after her.
(Homer grunting) What are you gonna say? HOMER: Whoo! Mm.
I'll just tell her that Stop it, Homer! Some of that meat is me.
Can I just trim the hem? (groans) It's yours.
Oh, good.
She's playing.
Not so good.
It's "Lisa Roulette.
" (kids shouting) Don't let her get you! Her eyes shoot loser lasers! (feigns gasping last breath) (chanting): There is no over-the-top.
There is no over-the-top.
Run! With an egg that big, there's gotta be an even bigger chicken! Lisa? Lisa, listen to me.
This pity party's being shut down by the smile police.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Why do you keep telling me what I'm gonna do? This isn't about me.
Well, who else would it be about? You! It's about "Hello, hello, Springfield.
" "It's me, Gaga!" "Why is everyone looking at my purple hair full of bluebirds?" Well, I denounce thee! Wha? I denounce thee for giving people ambitions they cannot fulfill.
And I denounce thee for positing a world where social acceptance and walking on heels are easy! Please, may we kill the kid? I denounce thee! I denounce thee! I denounce thee! Whoa, easy, little monster.
Don't "monster" me.
(all gasp) Whatever you say.
(sobbing) Are you crying glitter? Tiny diamonds.
(sobs) Hurts like hell.
(chanting): Gaga, Gaga, Gaga, Gaga HOMER: Okay Lisa, coming up to make things better! (grunting): Okay, I'm almost there.
Upward, ever upward.
(panting): Stay hydrated Oh, I'm on the wrong tree! (grunts) Okay, try again.
Here we go, okay.
(grunting and panting): Oh Lisa, can you come down? Sweetie, I've been thinking.
Now, this all started because you used a fake name to defend yourself.
The problem's not that you were cheating.
It's that you got caught.
I cheat on my diet, but nobody knows 'cause the damage is on the inside, and the first warning sign is sudden death.
So, honey, what do you say? Dad, thank you! Like always, the fact that I could tune you out without fearing I'd miss out on something gave me the time to take stock and realize how ungrateful I have been.
Which means, I've got a train to catch.
(chuckling): Parenting.
It's the one job you know you're always doing right.
So long, Springfield.
You are my Waterloo.
(crowd cheers) And now I'm just going to lie in bed and eat Fruit Roll-Ups.
Why is she doing in defeat what I do in victory? (whistle blowing) (chugging) Gaga! Lisa? Why are you here? To thank you.
For what? Look at me! You did help me by allowing me to inappropriately focus eight years of rage and rejection on you.
It was like a great sneeze.
And now I can say what's good about me.
And I can say it as Lisa Simpson! (gently): Just not that loud.
Go ahead.
Well, I am smart, nice, tolerant, funny but not "mean funny," and I never forget a birthday, even for kids who move away.
Now, Lisa, there's only one last thing you have to do to be a Little Monster.
I'll do anything but sing.
You are gonna sing! I used to think that I was stupid Worthless, weak and wrong A mockingbird without a song I was small inside and lacking pride On a one-way train to be Milhouse's bride End the song! End it right here! I love NPR and Jazz guitar Someday I'll design a solar car That's right, I'm Lisa Simpson, superstar! You've got a great big heart It's at the top of my chart BOTH: Lisa Simpson, Lisa Simpson Lisa Simpson Superstar Lisa Simpson, Lisa Simpson Lisa Simpson Superstar You're a superstar Wait, wait! Wait! (brakes screeching) (crowd gasps) Can you help me with my self-esteem? I'm not that good.
Right, gotcha.
(train horn blades) LISA: And the best thing is, (giggles) even if they weren't waving, it would be okay.
NARRATOR: I bet a lot of folks are wondering, did this story really happen? Well, it did.
And I know because I was one of Gaga's dancers.
The one with the spangliest crotch.
(yelling) Higher! (laughing) NARRATOR: I'm speaking fast because I'm so excited.
See Maggie Simpson in her first starring role in The Longest Daycare in 3D before Ice Age Continental Drift only in theaters.
We've already done the hardest part making the poster.
HOMER (improvises to "Poker Face"): I love my Homer face Yeah, that's what I said Right where it should be on the front of my head Stubble, muzzle, overbite, two eyes that really bug These are the components of my Homer-riffic mug D'oh-d'oh-e-d'oh-d'oh-d'oh, ohhh I shave it close, trim hairs from my nose D'oh-d'oh-e-d'oh-d'oh-d'oh, ohhh I clean my ears, 'cause that's how I hears I like my, I like my I really like my Homer face.
(murmuring) Shh!