The Simpsons s24e06 Episode Script

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (yelling) (snoring) BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: It's the World Series, two outs, bottom of the ninth.
Yes, we're at the point where baseball becomes mildly interesting.
Can Homer Simpson, fresh off an anxiety dream about not studying for a high school test, come into this dream and knock one out of the park? And who'da thunk it? We're food too! And apparently I'm married to a pork chop and have drumstick children.
How did that happen? (snoring) BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: We're back (belches) The pitcher, Steroid Santa Claus, kicks and deals.
It's a long fly ball, going back! Back! And the ball shatters the sky, bringing the ocean itself down into the stadium! Whoa, Simpson just broke this dream's reality wide open! The groundskeepers are trying to put on the tarp, but it turned into a manta ray and stung them all.
Now, we'll be right back after this word from oxygen, which Homer desperately needs to live.
(gurgling) (coughing, spitting) MARGE: Homer! The roof is leaking! Water's coming in the house, and we've got carpet mushrooms.
Dad, all the jury summons you buried in the back yard are coming back up.
(humming) While you were out there daydreaming, this rain has ruined the house.
(sighs deeply) Marge, in a crisis like this, I need time for quiet contemplation.
What's wrong, Homer? You got an expression on your face I ain't never seen before.
Like one of them Charlie Brown wiggle-frowns.
I'm in an abusive relationship with life.
It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too cowardly to leave it.
(sighs) Maybe I could drink myself to death.
Eh, well, you can't.
Your tolerance is too high.
Man, I've never seen Homer looking this bad.
You're right.
He needs some professional help.
Oh yeah Ooh, someone is down in the Duff! Life is too fragile.
One minute you're lying in your hammock drinking beer, the next thing you know you're sittin' here drinkin' beer.
Homer, your bleak outlook has sent a smooth, icy chill down Ah, screw it.
I quit.
Janette, Cheryl, get your own ride home.
Aw, come on, Chief.
I've had a rotten day.
Can't you help me out? Sorry, I'm afraid the most I can do is pretend to drive you home.
Okay, now hop on my imaginary motorcycle arms around my belly (imitates motorcycle revving) Um, I'm gonna need you to chip in for gas.
Argh.
This is where the pretending ends.
Oh Now what? You're coming with us to the school fundraiser.
Can this day get any worse? The dog's got the mumps.
Dogs can't get mumps.
Well, then, explain this.
The only thing we know is it'll cost $800.
Ooh! (Western music playing) Willie, I love your chaps.
Me pants are ripped out! I don't care for silent auctions.
It just encourages hovering.
Oh Mm-hmm Oh! You know you just pushed it up to list price.
You know that, right? Edna, I'm not one for costumes, but I sure do like that feather in your hair.
I like how you make me feel good about the littlest things.
It's just you and me tonight, Buttermilk.
(imitating hoofbeats) Whoa.
Howdy, pardners, I'm much obliged to y'all for comin' out to the ol' corral here Skinner! People want to get home! Speak regular.
Fine, we'll start the raffle and skip the things no one wants, like art projects by your children or a spaghetti dinner with the Van Houtens.
So let's get right to the item I'm sure you're waiting for: the latest Mapple myPad! (all exclaiming) I could do my cyber-bullying on the bus! Remember when me gettin' a cell phone was a big deal? I bought you a ticket for the myPad raffle, Dad.
Aw, that's Tooth Fairy money down the drain, sweetie.
I never win anything.
It's always some stupid jerk you've never heard of.
And the winner is Here it comes Homer Simpson! Get him! I mean, woo-hoo! (crowd cheering) I just want to say I was having the worst day of my life.
Three cheers for Homer, minus the one we gave him already.
(crowd cheers twice) Okay, what else Free Tibet! You heard me! Free him now! Thank you.
Oh, my luck has changed! ANNOUNCER: This is Homer Simpson's 13th raffle and first win.
Apparently, his luck has changed.
(tinny fanfare plays) Greetings, I am Steve Mobbs, welcoming you from beyond the grave.
I left a half-eaten apple outside your store the greatest tribute of all.
The product you hold is like a giant expensive smartphone that can't call anyone-- it's that incredible.
Now press the "submit" icon, and agree to buy all our future products.
And we're gonna be making a lot of stuff.
Submit.
Submit.
I don't know, I Submit.
I don't want to.
Or you could buy something from Hewlett-Packard.
I submit! I submit! Yes.
Yes (humming happily) Ooh, that adult Etch-A-Sketch certainly has brightened your mood.
Oh, yeah! You can look at it this way or this way whether you want to or not and it's got awesome games like "Tapped Out.
" Oh "Virtual Stapler!" Sounds just like a stapler, and it never runs out unless you tell it to.
Here's one that gives you a cool '70s moustache.
I'm Sonny Bono.
Watch out for that tree! (giggles) So, which do you prefer, m'lady? Tom Selleck, Rollie Fingers, or Pringles Man? I always thought the Pringles Man had the kindest eyes.
Are you doing an app behind my back? Submit Submit Sub There ya go, Homer.
Boy, you know, when you're just here alone, I can really smell ya.
But I'm not alone.
I'm doing some FaceTime with Lenny.
It's like I'm skydiving with all my friends! Let me text Carl.
So, uh, what are you pullin' the ripcord with? Uh-oh.
Maybe there's a ripcord app I can use.
(Homer hums happily) MARGE: Homer, pay attention! Huh? What? Put that down! We're being audited.
The old stupid moustache'll win him over.
I'm really stupid.
Is that the myPad you're claiming as a business expense? I'm standing by that.
(groans) Simpson! Unhand your Edison slate and bring your gold-brickery to a caesura! Put down your myPad and get back to work.
Sorry, boss.
Your remonstrances are a welcome boon and surely will redouble my diligence.
Excellent! Awesome! Woo hoo! Pip-pip! Hmm Hey, Dad! Dad, check this out! Dad, over here! Dad, a mother giraffe is giving birth! Dad, look, I'm walking on the wall around the lion pit.
Dad, the baby giraffe is taking its first steps.
Dad, I'm walking on my hands, and the lions think they're gonna eat me! Will you kids pipe down? I'm trying to get "Churro-Chaser" to tell me where the freshest churros are.
What country is Mexico in? Dad, pay attention to your children.
Ugh, okay.
Aww.
That'll be my screensaver.
(yells) Just my arm.
(yells) (chuckles) Gotcha! Why, you little (screams) (screaming) (Tchaikovsky's Pathétique plays) Homie, you want to read to Maggie before she goes to sleep? (scoffs) A paper-based read-a-majig? What are we, cavemen? (imitates caveman grunting) Sweetie, in the future all you'll need is this.
Homie it looks like you're putting all your eggs in one basket.
What would you have me do? One basket for each egg? Hmm, I guess you're right.
I guess I'll have to scratch that off the list of things I say.
Now, Maggie, let's find a good game for us.
Hmm, "Krusty's Kosher Karnival" "Words with Enemies" "Don't Burn the Toast," "Lenny Dykstra's Prison Break" ooh, "Pizza Clock!" Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Having fun, Maggie? How long have I been playing? Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
So that's how you make a pizza? Ooh, we really have been off-a the mark.
Mmm (raspy): Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
D'oh! (thud) Sauce, cheese, topping.
(groans) Flushy, go get help.
Homer, you're gonna be fine, but there's no hope for the myPad.
(sobbing): It still had 88% of its charge.
This is the part of the job I hate most.
Talking to crazy people.
(laughs) (groans) (grunting) Which of you is the YouTube of the kid high on dentist's gas? Is it you? Is it you? Is it you? (moaning) Oh, Lord, when things looked darkest, you gave me light, then you switched it off, knowing full well I had declined thy infernal Mapple Care.
Please grant me the wisdom to understand your capricious nasty mind.
And please, please make the next swing of the yo-yo an up.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
(sighs) Everybody hear that? Homer, Homer, it's a miracle.
Keep your pants on, Flanders.
(laughs): Oh, I will.
Till I go to bed and take them off under the covers.
But come outside and see the miracle.
Has the myPad risen? No, it's still where you buried it.
(Flanders humming) Here it is, the Holy Ooze.
This is your miracle-- a tree? Ooh, look at me, I turn sunlight into complex sugars.
Big whoop.
Look a little closer.
Huh? "Hope.
" Is this one of those coincidences like Jesus on a tortilla, or George Washington on a dollar bill? Well, I like that its message is in sap and not in blood.
Like some miracles I could mention.
(clears throat): Passover.
Well, this is how God would send me a message: in my backyard, hammock-adjacent, one short word in large print.
What do you think he's trying to tell me, Flanders? Well, sir, if you ask me, somebody up there is trying to tell you that whatever flat tires you've got in your life, God's there with his little spare and it enables you to drive real slow till you get to the next station.
Don't eat the miracle.
Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God.
That's not crazy.
Ah, looks like you're really turning something over in your mind there, Homer.
Moe, I could believe this was a random occurrence or I could believe some higher power reached down and squeezed the sap out of that tree.
I'm choosing hope.
Moe, a bottle of your finest beer.
Here you go.
Duff Adequate.
To hope! Wow, no one's ever been happy in this place before.
And when I started it was Moe's Ice Cream Carnival-- not good.
(organ playing) Of all the gifts the Lord gives us, perhaps the greatest is hope.
Uh, excuse me, Reverend, but I'm here to talk about something a little more important: hope.
But I was just (sighs) Oh, fine-- I can get an early start on mountain biking.
Hope is here, people, and it's real.
It's not just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me.
So come and see the sticky brown truth.
(all cheering) Ooh-ooh, child Things are gonna be easier Hope is all around me! Ooh, child, things'll be brighter (grunting) Ooh-ooh, child Hmm.
As promised, the miracle.
Really? "Other"? Cletus, what does that tree say? Now, now, let's spell it out like that social worker taught us to do.
Huckleberry, Overbite, Picklefoot, Edumacation.
Oh, it says hope! Just like in Hope Floats, that Sandra Bullock movie I wrote.
This is newsman Kent Brockman, vowing I will debunk this so-called miracle.
The idiotic things people believe in.
Now, stay tuned for your lucky lotto numbers.
It's your turn for sure.
(crowd clamoring) A hundred dollar bill for anyone who will give me the truth behind this so-called miracle tree.
I'll take your money.
The tree's a fraud.
I just got a hundred.
The tree is real! What you got against hope anyway? I bet something disillusioned you as a child.
(gasps) This is junior reporter Kenny Bockelstein, investigating the stories that kids want to know.
(locker opens) Mr.
Mouse, how come you haven't been in any funny cartoons since 1933? I'm on a break, kid, and when I'm on a break, the mouse is dead.
The mouse was a man.
His teeth were yellow.
His breath was rancid.
My innocence was lost in a plywood castle.
The castle is plywood?! (groans) TV ANNOUNCER: Bumblebee Man is moving to Channel 6.
Adios, ocho.
You no pay.
Uh-oh, he's got his own chimp.
(chimp yelling) Senor Chango! Teeny's a girl? Oh, wait, he's just a bottom.
This is Kent Brockman at the site of the so-called "Springfield Miracle.
" The question is Is the hope tree a miracle? Most decidedly not.
Flying the Channel 6 traffic copter without official clearance and below legal levels, we obtained the following footage.
As you can see here, a shadowy figure emerges from the darkness, walks up to the tree in the Simpsons' backyard, and if we freeze and zoom in on the image, We clearly see the figure holding a syrup bottle with which he writes the word "hope.
" Supermarket maple syrup.
It was no miraculous tree of God and there is no hope on Evergreen Terrace.
Just a run-of-the-mill, syrup-spraying mystery man.
We can add this to the list of Kent's Closed Cases.
Would you please get the segment straight? Just lose the graphic.
(groans) (groaning) It was all a hoax.
Let's burn our hats! ALL (chanting): Hope is dead! Burn the lies! Thank God there's no alcohol in this bar, or this place would really go up.
(groans) (groaning) Homie? Aren't you going to come in? I don't know what to believe anymore.
Maybe it's time to call Satan.
Is that a 212? Don't call Satan.
So what if the message wasn't the miracle.
The answer isn't in syrup from God or a computer tablet.
The answer is that you hope you felt was real.
Marge, up till now, I thought your hair was just blue cotton candy, but now I know it's a solid loaf of brain.
Homie, you have such a way with foods.
Let's go inside.
Who do you think painted the word on the tree? No idea-- the important thing is that they did.
Guess it must've been the person who knew I needed hope most of all.
You're all I need to get by (snoring) You know, we've got a new version of that tablet.
But I just got this three months ago.
Yeah, that's the kind of thing I do, and yet I still wound up here, as your boss.
Can I get Christmas off? It's my kid's birthday.
No.
When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore (tires screech) When the world seems to shine like You've had too much wine That's amore Bells'll ring, ting-a-ling-a ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling And you'll sing "Vita Bella" Heart's play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay like a gay Tarantella When the stars make you drool Just-a like a pasta fagiole, that's amore When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet You're in love When you walk in a dream But you know you're not dreaming, signore (screams) 'Scusa me, but you see back in old Napoli That's amore When The moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore That's amore Bells will ring Ting-a ling-a ling Ting-a ling-a ling And you'll sing "Vita Bella" "Vita Bella," "Vita Bella" Hearts will play Tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay Like a gay tarantella Lucky fella, scusa me, but you'll see That's amore.
Shh!