Doctor Who (1963) s25e07 Episode Script

I need to know if one of artistes is in the Forum tonight.
I’ll just have a look at my list.
She’s called Ace.
I can’t do anything until I find my list, now, can I? Oh dear.
Doesn’t look as if Daphne S went down too well, does it? Big smiles, girls! Showtime! Look at them, Fifi.
Dreary clothes, turgid music and terrible deportment.
They’re just so depressing.
Happiness will prevail.
Happiness Patrol section B, prepare to effect a large scale disappearance.
A drone demonstration is moving towards Forum Square.
Proceed there directly.
Take no prisoners.
- Ace Sigma, wasn’t it? - Yes.
- What does she do then? - Do? Sing, dance, juggle, magic, vent or impressions? She makes things disappear.
Magic.
There’s nothing magical about the way she does it.
Nothing down here under magic.
But I can do you an Ace Sigma on a miracle survival act.
What’s that? No, let me guess.
It will he a miracle if she survives.
There we are, and the last world Oh, there we are, my darling, all mended.
We’re a team, Fifi, you and I.
Will help be to others.
And we will make this a happy planet, in spite of the killjoys and bunglers that surround us.
If they’re miserable, then we’ll put them out of their misery.
After all, it’s for their own good.
But first of all, a bit of harmless revenge.
You take the vermin in the pipe.
I’ll take the vermin at the Forum.
This is a public happiness announcement.
A depression is moving towards Forum Square.
The proper authorities will restore harmony and peace.
- Doctor.
- Trevor Sigma.
Come to see the fun? Or is that classified information? No, I’m leaving this planet.
I’ve completed my census.
Who that here? - And where’s the Galactic Census Bureau sending you next? - Earth.
- Are you been there? - Once or twice.
Miserable sort of place.
You’re making me feel nostalgic.
Wait a minute.
You can’t give these names.
I know them.
Harold V, Silas P They may have lived here once but They’ve disappeared.
I know.
Strange, isn’t it? Don’t ask me why, but that’s what the bureau wants.
A long is ***** you last this planet? Six months ago.
So, this represents six months work of Helen A handy work.
- A list of the disappeared? - That’s right.
- Over there! - What? In the shadows, a killjoy.
Dark coat, drooping shoulders, a tear glistening on his cheek.
Summary execution? Not this time, Priscilla.
Save it for the drones.
Now going.
It’s still the same old story, a fight for love and glory, a case of do or die.
Earl! The drones are on their way.
Thank you, Earl.
It’s all falling nicely into place.
As time goes by.
You’re late.
Doctor! You’ve no how happy I am to see you, Ace.
I'm glad your happy Doctor.
But now it’s funtime! Have a nice death.
Doctor! It’s all right, Ace.
They can’t fire.
Because they see before them a happy man.
And their logic will tell them, twisted as it is, that as such they have no power over me.
Of course, some days I may feel a little grouchy perhaps, a wee bit bad-tempered, but today isn’t one of those days.
The Doctor and the drones are having a ball! You can’t do it, Happiness Patrol section B.
You can’t go down in the history of the galaxy as a bunch of partypoopers.
The only killjoys in this square, are behind you! Wretched, snivelling creatures, wallowing in their own Weltschmerz! Weltschmerz.
All except Susan Q and Ace, who are very glad to see me.
And I’m happy they’re glad.
*****.
Stop it! Come on, Professor, get this heap of junk moving! - Lovely evening.
- Yes, dear.
The sort of evening that makes you happy to be alive.
I said the sort of evening that makes you feel happy to be alive.
Yes, dear.
I’m glad you’re happy.
And I’m happy you’re glad.
Happiness will prevail.
Chaos in Forum Square.
Fighting has broken out in the ranks of the Happiness Patrol itself.
Happiness will prevail.
However hard I try, however much work I put in, something always happens.
Even moments like this aren’t sacred.
But one day we will be happy.
One day I will be appreciated.
Yes, dear.
Here.
You wait for Fifi.
I shall obviously have to deal with this myself.
Yes, dear.
Where are we going, Professor? To the top.
Keep playing! Enjoy yourself! Strictly speaking, P.
, this game is for killjoys.
And I am not a killjoy.
You pick up a lot on the streets.
You can see it in their eyes, you can feel their fear.
They know you’re watching them.
That is Helen A.
Ignore it, It’s just a recording.
It's not a recording.
I'm broadcasting live.
Put down your gun and release Daisy K.
But she’s a killjoy, I arrested her myself.
I’m losing my patience.
Put down your gun.
What shall I do, ma’am? You’re in the waiting zone, wait.
*****, Professor? Doctor! Wulfric, Wences.
It’s a Stigorax.
Extremely intelligent, ruthless predators.
Danger! Fifi! Fifi.
This wouldn’t be Fifi, as in Fifi the annoying rat who you claim to have blown to smithereens.
Nobody’s perfect, Professor.
Including Fifi.
This way I think.
That way.
Danger! Precisely.
So, what are we left with after this little local difficulty in Forum Square? Remind me.
A posse heading out to the sugar factories, and the Doctor and his gang roaming the city.
Nothing insoluble there? The factories are heavily defended and we’ll soon track down the Doctor.
He may have gone down into the pipes.
Excellent.
Then we’ll leave Fifi to deal with him.
What was that? Sounded like an A-flat.
- Why are we whispering? - I’ll tell her.
Crystallized syrup.
As it ages, It becomes unstable.
So a loud noise could set off a cave-in.
Not quite, Ace.
It has to be the right noise.
Crucial.
Now get back, wait at the end of the pipe.
Come on Professor.
And take Susan Q and with you.
Come on.
Bang! Earl, give me an A-flat.
- Eh? - No, A-flat.
- Why? - Resonance.
Sympathetic vibration.
Aren’t you familiar with Doctor John Wallace’s paper to the Royal Society in 1677? Play.
Wrong note.
Give me an A! - Isn’t this dangerous? - Yes.
Keep playing.
Happiness will prevail.
Factory guards has joined forces with the drones to destroy the Nirvana sugar beet plant here in sector six.
We will quite broadcasting It’s just one factory, Daisy K.
I have built over a thousand.
What about reports of riots and public unhappiness? Simple.
We need someone who knows the streets like the back of her hand, someone who is a good fighter, and someone above all, who is fiercely loyal.
Oh, just *****.
Priscilla P, perhaps.
She’s a fanatic.
That’s how I like them.
Get me the waiting zone.
Get me the Kandy Man! You’re not unhappy about something.
I said get me the Kandy Man! Kandy Man.
I want the Doctor, and I want him now.
I don’t care what you have to do.
I don’t care how far you have to go.
That won’t be necessary.
Why not? Because he’s just popped in.
Kandy Man.
I don’t believe you meet my friend Ace.
An expert in calorification, incineration, carbonization and inflammation.
I beg your pardon.
She’s come to look at your oven.
Has she indeed? Then she should wait to be asked.
Impolite guests get to feel the back of my Kandy hand.
That may be, Kandy Man.
But last time you saw me, you said you were going to kill me.
Really, Doctor? Thank you for reminding me.
I wouldn’t give that pimplehead a hundred to one against you, Professor? Pimplehead indeed.
I’m disappointed in you, Doctor.
I would have expected you to choose your friends more carefully.
Still, she won’t be a friend much longer, will she.
I think you’re a pimplehead.
I’m finding this all rather tiresome.
- Heads or tails, Doctor? - Tails.
Well? That would be telling.
You’re playing a dangerous game, Kandy Man.
The tip of that poker is white hot.
It would slice through you like a knife through butterscotch.
I have to bow, however reluctantly, to your logic.
Which leaves me only one choice.
Ace! Open the door! What about the Kandy Man? He’ll keep.
He’s full of colouring, flavouring and preservative.
Blissful, isn’t it, Doctor.
Silence.
Not quite.
I can hear the sound of empires toppling.
And all thanks to this lady and her fun gun.
She can take out a loudspeaker at a hundred paces.
Can I have a go, Professor? Wanton destruction of public property.
Certainly not.
Wicked! No reply.
He must still be in the Kandy Kitchen.
- I’ve already tried there.
- Try it again.
Where he can be.
Close to the Kandy Man, were you? I made him.
Really? How very interesting.
Only his body.
His mind was very much his own.
I certainly don’t recall the chap ever arriving.
He was born in the Kandy Kitchen.
Whereas you came from Vasilip, if memory serves.
I was exiled from Vasilip.
I came here with him in a suitcase.
Exiled, you say? I made a mistake.
I ran the state laboratories.
Without knowing it I developed a deadly new germ.
The disease wiped out half the population.
Still, hardly your fault.
Can’t you just pack him up and start again? Not this time.
He’s better off like that.
The Kandy Man’s gone.
- Will you be away long? - Away? You’re packing a suitcase.
I assumed Why would I want to go away? I just thought the situation here.
There’s nothing wrong, is there, Daisy K? No, of course not.
Everything’s fine.
Happiness will prevail.
One hundred and twelve factories have now fallen to the rebels as they continue their drive westwards.
As you said, Daisy K, everything is fine.
I’m happy.
I’m glad you’re happy.
Escape shuttle ready for take off.
Are we under the palace now? Yes.
This is our way in.
Wulfric, Wences! I’m afraid this is where we must say goodbye.
Doctor! No protests.
Soon you should be able to go back to the sugar fields.
Something’s taking off.
Yes.
Sounds like a shuttle.
Shuttle in orbit.
Receiving incoming communication.
Gilbert M! It’s all working beautifully, Helen A, as you can see.
A masterful piece of engineering, even though I say it myself.
You betrayed me! My only complaint is the company.
I don’t know how you put up with it.
How did you get into my escape shuttle? That’s what I was saying.
The captain let me in.
Who is this captain? Let me see him.
Goodbye, dear.
What are you doing! You’re supposed to be waiting for Fifi! Really, dear? It must have slipped my mind.
I was looking for Helen A.
I don’t suppose You’re too late, Doctor.
But I’m delighted to see you.
Susan Q, who taught you to shoot like that? - She did.
- Thank you, Daisy K.
- Are you all right, Professor? - Splendid.
Hello, face-ache.
Yes, no more live music.
Let is sounds like this? You can’t get away, Helen A.
There’s a scheduled flight in an hour.
You can’t stop me, Doctor.
I know I can’t.
But it’s not me you’re running away from.
Who is it, then? It’s yourself.
That’s why you’ll never escape.
They didn’t understand me.
They understood you only too well.
That’s why they resisted you.
I wanted only the best for them.
That’s best? Prisons, death squads, executions.
They only came later.
I told them to be happy.
But they wouldn’t listen.
I gave them a chance.
I know they laughed sometimes, but they still cried, they still wept.
Don’t you ever feel like crying, Helen A? Of course not, Doctor.
It’s unnecessary.
And those who persisted had to be punished.
Why? For the good of the majority.
For the ones who wanted to be happy, wanted to take the opportunities that I gave them.
And what were these opportunities that you gave them? A bag of sweets? A few tawdry party games? Bland soulless music? Do these things make you happy? Of course they don’t.
Because they’re cosmetic.
Happiness is nothing if it doesn’t exist side by side with sadness.
Two sides, one coin.
You can keep your coin, Doctor.
And your sadness.
I’ll go somewhere else.
I’ll find somewhere where there is no sadness.
A place where people know how to enjoy themselves.
I’m sure you will, Helen A.
A place where people are strong, where they hold back the tears.
A place where people pull themselves together.
- Where there’s no compassion.
- Where there’s control.
You mean a place without love.
I always thought love was overrated.
- Fifi.
- Fifi? Fifi! Fifi! Should we do something, Professor? It’s done.
***** fool ***** ***** happy ***** Well, it’s been a long night.
We must be off.
How about you, Earl? I’ll stay here, to teach this planet the blues again.
Thank you for giving them back to us, Doctor.
The blues.
Oh yes.
There aren’t any other colours without the blues.
Are they all right, Professor? Happiness will prevail.