The Simpsons s25e07 Episode Script

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (groaning) (laughs) Skinner! Skinner He patrols the school halls Skinner! When you spit, he's got the balls As you mosey through the school All the kids say you're so cool And you even made Bart Simpson spill his milk Skinner! Skinner You're the master Of your fate! Skinner! Skinner You sure look good in chaps Skinner Wake up.
You're on! (grunts) Children, I have some exciting news.
(kids murmuring) I'm here to tell you about a field trip so amazing, we've put "sign here" stickers on the permission slips.
As you recall, these stickers came from last year's field trip to the "sign here" sticker factory.
But thanks to my old navy buddy-- we both love to shop at Old Navy-- the students of this school will be taking a ride on a nuclear-powered, attack-class submarine, the USS Tom Clancy! (all gasp) (chuckles) So you're all excited, eh? ALL: Yay! Well, that's too bad, because many of you will not be going.
ALL: Huh?! There's limited room on the submarine, so only the best-behaved students-- as determined by me-- will go on the trip.
Whoo-hoo! Well, I get to go! To increase the tension, everyone starts with a clean slate.
But from this moment on I am the law.
I hold the red pen.
Skinner! Pranks, inside use of outside voice, off-color whistling, and you're stricken from the list.
And once crossed off, you stay crossed off.
That's what pens do.
(gulps) (bees buzzing) Help! I'm trapped in space with a man I don't like! BART: Aooga! Submerge! Periscope! Aooga! Aooga! Die, Nazi octopus, die! (makes explosion sound) Sweetie, about the submarine what's your favorite food to eat when you're disappointed? I'm going shopping tomorrow.
Ice cream sandwiches.
Why? What your mother is trying to say is we don't think you can be good that long.
Mom, is that true? Well, that's sort of what I was trying to say, but What your mother is trying to say is No, you're wrong! You're all wrong! I didn't say anything.
Were you thinking it? Yes.
Get real, ding-dong! You've already done so much bad stuff, Skinner's never gonna let you on that boat.
No, Skinner said I had a clean slate, so right now, I'm as good as any other kid.
(Homer and Lisa laughing) Good one, ding-dong.
Mom! Don't listen to them.
They're the ding-dongs.
Wha?! Bart, sweetie, this is an opportunity for you to turn things around yet again.
And I believe in you.
Yet again.
Thanks, Mom.
I'll start by taking my plate to the dishwasher.
Wherever that is.
(cupboards open, shut, dish breaks) Pfft.
Marge, I love Bart as much as you do, but actually not.
And that kid cannot go one week without getting in trouble.
Now, if you'd be so kind as to start my car for me, I'm going to Moe's.
(blowing air) Ooh.
(engine starts) Thank you.
(tires squeal) Whoo-hoo! Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm! What are you doing? To avoid temptation, I'm getting rid of all the things that could get me in trouble at school.
I buried all my whoopee cushions in the backyard.
(flatulence sounds) Hmm? (groans) What the? That's not where I buried them.
Come on! Don't take my custom limo! At least let me sniff my coke out of the floor mats! (grunts) (sniffing) (bicycle bell dings) Oh, hi, little girl.
What brings you to see Uncle Krusty? (chuckles) Krusty, are you broke? Yeah.
All it takes is some bad luck at the ponies, worse luck in the Bitcoin market, heavy investment in a high-end bookmark company.
You could do what Everybody Loves Raymond did.
Go off the air while I'm still good? That horse has left the stable, gone to the glue factory and has been used to make art projects.
I mean, you could sell foreign rights to your show.
Even SpongeBob did it.
Buon compleanno, Squiduardo! No, no, no, Roberto! E 'una mina della seconda guerra mondiale, che farà saltare in aria e Ah! Calamari?! No! (sobbing) No! Uh it's cute stuff, but I'm still broke, girlie.
Not my Monet! I only looked at it once! What I'm saying is, you could produce foreign versions of your TV show with actors from other countries.
Okay, I'll do it! Not my Shetland dolphin! Although I won't miss the constant yapping.
Papa! Not anymore, he ain't.
(booming thud) Gum on the floor.
Off the list.
Unauthorized meat-a-pult.
Off the list! Lips touching the fountain.
Off the list.
It's not my fault there's no water pressure.
Excuses are like handkerchiefs; everybody's got one.
I don't have a handkerchief.
Off the list! Firm but fair, sir.
Don't want any troublemakers on our submarine.
Not bad, Simpson.
Did you wash your knees? Front and back, sir.
You're like egg salad at a picnic, Simpson.
Even when you look good, we know you're going bad.
Principal Skinner? I object to this arbitrary use of power and request I be taken off the list.
Off the list! Thank you.
Oh, man! Five days without pranking? I'm getting strange red marks.
But I'm gonna make it! (engine backfiring) Uh-oh.
(alarms buzzing) Something's wrong with my long yellow car.
(starter chugs) Any of you kids got a Triple A card? What? No.
I'll be late.
Skinner will cross my name off the list.
(grunts) All fixed up! (horn honks) (tires screech, horn drones) (school bell rings) (laughs, hums triumphantly) Off the list.
For what? Muddy footprints on the school floor.
(gasps) I've broken a ten-year-old's spirit.
Time to celebrate with a fruit- on-the-bottom yogurt.
Plain, plain, plain, plain Mmm! Fruit! No, Mother, I did not use any of your talc.
I don't know why the bottle feels lighter.
Maybe you're just getting stronger! Some days I could just kill you.
(phone rings) She heard me.
Hello? BART (nasally voice): Hold for the president.
OBAMA (on spliced recording): This is Barack Obama! Is this a prank? OBAMA: No.
(gasps) That's offensive.
(gasps) I want to talk about submarines and trips.
Simpson has to go.
Simpson has to go on the submarine.
On the submarine.
Of course.
(tweeting) This is Barack Obama! So in love with you I like Ohio State You can put lipstick on a pig So in love with you Welcome.
Welcome, foreign-market Krustys.
If you examine your "Krusty Kit," you're gonna find unremovable green hair dye, a used red nose and a guidebook on how to capture a monkey.
But now, the man they call Mr.
Monday Afternoon Krusty! Hey-hey! Hai-hai! Hu-hu! Heil-heil! Rodgrod med Flode! Now, there are many words for what I'm looking for-- rubles, renminbi, baht-- but they all mean money, which rhymes with funny, which you can be if you want.
I don't care.
Just do the Krusty show in your country and send me ten percent.
Then send me another 60%.
Then five percent more, and you're good.
Nice job, Simpson.
You even got my Suze Orman tape unstuck from the cassette player.
She's the reason I was able to purchase a new watch band.
Always bragging about his watch band.
If only I could tell time.
Okay, I washed your car like you asked, I did your paper route, and I'm sorry.
I really am.
This could be the turning point of my life.
Where you, as a school guy, made a difference.
What do you think? Can I go on that sub? Sorry, Simpson.
Take her down.
KIDS: Yay! RALPH: Yay! NELSON: Yippee! MILHOUSE: Poor Bart.
Rasta hey-hey, on the left-hand side.
(laughs) As my mother used to say, "Wanti wanti can't get it, getti getti no want it.
" Now here's Itchem and Scratchem, mon.
(laughs) (cheering) They smoke They toke They smoke and toke and smoke Ha! Smoke, smoke, smoke Toke, toke, toke The Itchem and Scratchem Blow.
Eye and eye say good-bye.
The blessings of Jah upon you all.
Nice.
You're a hit all over the world.
There's Chinese Krusty with Sideshow Mao.
Even Irish Krusty.
Me ma, she had 12 children, but only three lived.
Then they closed the mill.
(chuckles sadly) Hey-hey.
(Irish flute plays melancholy tune) And it's all thanks to you, kid.
To show my appreciation, I'm gonna bring you with me next time I entertain the troops.
Warning: they're not American troops.
(slurps) Hello, boy.
At times like this, there's not much you can say, especially if you don't know what happened.
(sobs) Skinner didn't let me go.
Really? Hey, I bet that submarine isn't so fun anyway.
(sniffs) You think so? Fire that torpedo, Milhouse.
Aye, aye.
Where'd it go? It was just imaginary.
I know a kid should never turn to his father for help, but I got screwed.
Is there anything you can do? As I always say, don't get mad; get dinner.
Then get even.
With Skinner.
You'll really help me get revenge? Yes.
What's Skinner's weakness? Everything.
Good.
We can use that.
Skinner! Skinner You are feeling pretty smug Skinner! Sipping cocoa from a mug When you've reached the mountaintop Your next step is a drop.
No, no, no, no, no! Skinner! (knocking) I'll be right there.
Just saying good-bye to Mother.
(imitates Mother): Seymour, I'm going out for a walk.
Uh-huh, see you in several months at the soonest.
(knocking continues) We have a problem, Seymour.
I did everything for you and you stabbed me in the back.
Wait a minute, I knew you were a neat freak, Skinner, but you beat your rug till it bleeds? (gasps) All right, I'll come clean.
I woke up and, surprisingly, Mother wasn't there beside me.
She was dead.
Still, I can't be sure I killed her.
Well, I'm sure our town's police force will handle this competently.
Now, I could investigate further, but you don't want to sit in a jail all weekend.
Chief, that was awfully arbitrary.
Not compared to this.
(groans) Let me handle this.
Just go upstairs and shut the door.
There are some things only a boy should see.
(door closes) (both laugh) (cackles) Now do you want to dispose of this jelly-soaked pillow? Just call me The Cleaner.
(slurps) Um, where's the body? She's in a better place.
(chain saw rumbling) The deed is done.
Oh, I wish you'd asked me before you Look, you kill them, I get rid of them.
That's always been our deal.
But I do have one question: Do you want the head? No, no, God, no.
Well, if you change your mind, it'll be in my freezer.
But only for a week.
Got a lot of ice cream coming in.
Ugh, if this were a movie, Mother wouldn't let me watch it.
Now, I'm afraid it's time to start your new life.
You'll be hunted, on the run, searching for the man who killed your mother, which is you.
So avoid mirrors.
(Krusty humming) Krusty, I have some very bad news.
The foreign Krustys are all hotter than you.
Irish Krusty's got a show on Broadway.
Oi, where's your monkey? There never was a monkey.
I was just tellin' stories to forget me consumption.
(coughs) (applause) Well, you see there, they need to hit the word "monkey" harder if they want to get a laugh.
Don't you get what I'm trying to tell you? You are now the least popular Krusty in the world.
What about Romanian Krusty? What, you mean President-for-Life Krusty? (low groan) I still get a piece, right? Putz.
You're the least successful version of you there is.
A piece.
Now, let's see where this goes.
Irish Krusty, this is your baby.
The only thing working round here is your libido.
Now I know why Ma walked into the sea with her pockets full of rocks, on Christmas.
Why doesn't this material work for me? Seymour, the cops are on their way.
(siren wails) Here's a bus ticket to Juarez and your fake I.
D.
SKINNER: Oh, come on, I don't look anything like this "Dick Fiddler.
" No, you don't yet.
I don't want to sound ungrateful, but could I eat one of the potatoes? Sorry, but Dick Fiddler is allergic to potatoes.
I understand.
(both giggling) Dad? Thanks for sticking up for me.
(laughs) Someday I may have to fake my own death.
And maybe you can help me with that.
Sure, Dad.
Someday soon.
As in, what are you doing this Friday? Aah! Dick Fiddler! Gentlemen, I can't run away from what I've done.
I accept that I killed my mother.
My whole life, she's belittled me.
Maybe deep down, I'm glad.
This has gone far enough.
I'm starting to think this "school project" is more than meets the eye.
Mother? You're alive? Seymour, when this fat guy and his kid asked me to fake my death to punish you, I said, "Sure, that's something to do.
" You know, when you glare like that, you look really beautiful.
(grumbles): Mm-hmm.
But when I just heard you say you were glad to see me dead I thought, "Now I'm gonna be meaner to you than ever.
" How is that possible? I've stopped taking those pills that keep me nice.
(gasps) Fiddler! Fiddler, you look stupid In that beard Fiddler! This dream is getting weird.
KRUSTY: So I heard many of you are dissatisfied with my 75% cut of your take.
Well, we did consider letting you keep more.
(cheering) But instead, we're giving you something even better.
I will do a guest shot on each of your shows.
Huh? Eh? (jeering, shouting) Twist him like a balloon.
Cut off his hey-heys.
Let's slice him up and cook him in our traditional dishes.
Krusty, can't you think of something? I'm very bad in a crisis.
I also can't ad-lib, memorize anything, improv or tell a joke.
Uh, you know, why did you even become a clown? Well, I was supposed to be one of the sad ones.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY They smoke, they toke They smoke and toke and smoke Ha! Smoke, smoke, smoke Toke, toke, toke The Itchem and Scratchem Blow Ha! Shh!