The Simpsons s25e11 Episode Script

D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Super Bowl XLVIII between the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos.
The field is a frozen tundra, (Bart laughing) imported at great expense from Alaska.
Hmm? Hmm?! Huh? (shrieks) (gasps) Oh! (gasps) (screams) (screams, jabbers) (screams, jabbers) Whoo-hoo.
(whimpers) (sobs) (Homer continues whimpering, sobbing) (electricity buzzes, Homer screams and whimpers) (Homer screams, electricity crackles) ANNOUNCER: And the game comes down to this one play-- (Homer screaming) a final field goal.
The kick is up, it hits the crossbar and-- (power humming off) HOMER: D'oh! (Homer slurps beer, then whoops) (to tune of "Silver Bells"): Glowing rods, glowing rods It's making me Weak and dizzy Uh, rumor has it they're about to give out the company Christmas gifts.
Who told you that? I got an in.
The VP of Personnel is doing my girlfriend.
Ooh, look at you, Mr.
Connected.
I hope it's better than last year's lousy gift.
CARL: Yeah, what a rip.
Ugh.
Remember this gift? The executive stress ball.
BURNS' VOICE: One more squeeze and you're fired.
(gasps) Now I feel more stressed than ever.
Gah! (gags) BURNS' VOICE (muffled): Excellent.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Uh, you don't look so excellent to me.
(retches) Ho, ho, humbug.
Santa Claus approaches to judge and punish.
Wow! A good gift for once.
Oogle Goggles.
Augmented reality glasses.
You wear them like eyeglasses, but inside the lens, you see information about the people and places around you.
Ooh, finally I'm not a slave to my stupid human eyeballs.
(gasping in wonder) HOMER: Ooh! Whoa.
(high-pitched gibbering) (smug chuckling) Glasses, call Lenny.
Ooh, I'm getting a call.
Answer call.
Hello? Lenny, it's me, Homer.
Hm.
I always thought it was "Simp-sen.
" Really? Don't you ever look up at the sky? (theme song playing) Always wondered what that was.
Sir, I'm concerned about your sudden generosity.
The doctor said to bring you in right away if you display kindness or warmth.
Oh, don't worry.
This Santa still has claws.
As of now, each of those nuclear nitwits is wearing a video camera.
With a direct feed to me.
(gasps) You're spying on them? Smithers, how much did this company lose to office supply theft last year? $7,043.
Yes, well, no more of that.
Thanks to this $26 million surveillance system.
Beware, rabbits.
I spy with my transplanted eyes.
Oh, and I forgot to show you the best feature.
Each of these buttons represents an employee.
When I press it, he or she dies.
(scoffs) What's wrong with this thing? (grunts in frustration) Now, remember kids, the school says you must have a valentine card for everyone in your class.
How does this mean anything when everyone's forced to do it? What did I say about pointing out the meaninglessness of things? Not to.
Well, no way I'm giving a valentine to Nelson.
He's a bully, and I do not love him.
Jesus says to love your enemies.
That's because Jesus knows one day, he gets to look his enemies in the eye and say "It was me who sent you to Hell.
" Bart, your school requires you to give everyone a valentine card in an envelope with a fun sticker.
Your teacher put out an e-mail alert.
With a video attachment.
MAN: Welcome to Firstline.
Tonight, "Valentine's Day: Always A Massacre.
" At this school, children may give valentines to whomever they choose.
Danny is unpopular, due to rumors he sleeps in the raw with his ma and his pa.
Human young are born with the ability to count valentines, and Danny realizes he's been snubbed.
Past generations of children were used to rejection.
But today's kids, raised in a climate of video games and instant messaging, are fragile weirdos.
LYMAN: On February 15, 2:00am, after checking the mailbox one last time, Danny nearly died from an overdose of little candy hearts.
Many of history's monsters never received a valentine.
Attila the Hun,Mao Tse-tung, and me, Will Lyman.
This is Firstline.
Fine, Nelson gets a valentine.
An old one from the box.
Perfect.
Bad movie, bad pun, even bad paper stock.
(Homer laughing) (giggles) What's so funny? I'm watching videos of idiots wearing these glasses and not paying attention to the world around them.
Look at these jerks.
(man screams) Ow! (man screams) I don't understand what's so great about these state of the art, solar-powered, computo-glasses.
I'll let you try them on, right after I decide if these videos are Funny Or Die.
Funny, funny, die, die, funny, funny but the guy died.
Oh.
Now, a simple Sunday drive will reveal the hidden wonders of our hometown.
Hmm (grunting with effort) Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Springfield City Hall was built for the Spencer Tracy movie Meet Me At City Hall.
It was just a flat wall with nothing behind it for 30 years.
Dad, Bart's on my side of the seat.
Dad, Lisa's my little sister.
(both grunting) The rearview mirror was invented in 1911, for just this reason.
Interesting.
When was the term "shut up" invented? As early as 1859, shut up was used to shut up Homie, I think the kids are just hungry.
Glasses, direct me to the nicest restaurant I can afford.
FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Accessing soup kitchens.
What, you Oh, that's it, I'm taking you off.
Aah! Reality.
JEREMY: Oh! Sorry, sir! Okay, let's see what we got here.
Ugh, oh! Ooh.
Eh.
MARGE: Oh.
(Homer giggles) HOMER: Mm-hmm.
Squeeze here.
Rotate there.
Pause for sweet talk.
Oh, glasses, you're so wonderful.
Huh? A-Are you using your glasses for snuggling? But the avatar looks just like you.
I'm afraid wives don't make passes at husbands in those glasses.
Glasses, find me a great gift for my wife.
(whispers): Under five dollars.
MARGE: I heard that! Glasses, take me two minutes back in time.
Oh (grumbles) Marge.
Mm.
About the glasses.
Mm! I'm really sorry, and Mm, mm, mm.
Here's your breakfast.
Only five pancakes? You're trying to kill me.
Well, I'm not happy with you.
Look, honey, I know these glasses are a radical new technology and should be worn in moderation.
Isn't that right, glasses? FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Yes, just like I told you.
Anyway, I'm giving them up.
To whoever dares take them.
(Lisa and Bart gasp) Yoink.
Aw, come on, Mom.
For once, I'm grabbing the goody.
So the rumors are true.
Moms can want things.
Hmm.
Hmm Nicely done, Lewis.
A Transformer that transforms into a heart? I love it! Mm.
This Hershey's Kiss is melted.
Not good.
My mom left it on the dashboard! My mom! I'll have yours now, Simpson.
In Ga'hoole, we would break his frickin' knees.
No.
No Valentine for you, Nelson.
Excuse me? I'll give a Valentine to a loser, I'll give a Valentine to a dork, I'll even give a Valentine to a girl, but I won't give a Valentine to a bully! Here's what's gonna happen.
You have one week to make me the best Valentine any kid ever got.
And what if I don't? Simpson, there's gonna be a heart in my hand, either paper or yours.
Hey, everybody.
That's strange.
I-I'm hearing a voice, but I'm not seeing a user icon.
Carl, it's me.
I'm here.
Really here! Hey, Homer.
A lot of information about you.
Let me just page through it.
Oh! Stop! Hey! What? Oh, no one can live in a non-augmented reality.
I need another pair of glasses.
Charlie, your move in Muppet Chess.
Gonzo to Fozzie Seven.
Aw! That's Kermit-mate.
Wocka wocka! Oh, why is it the recipe card you need is always the one Homer writes his cocktail ideas on? Maybe these bleep-bloop glasses can help.
Okay, Marge Simpson entering the Matrix, for a brownie recipe.
FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Here are my top-rated recipes.
Ooh.
So many choices, Maggie.
(beeping) HOMER: Um, Mr.
Burns, sir? Can I get another pair of glasses? Maybe two pair? One for the beach house? Can I also get a beach house? Two beach houses.
Huh? Monitors?! What the? Burns gave us those glasses so he could spy on us! This is a violation of our human rights.
(cracks knuckles) Okay, so let's see what we can see.
Solitaire, top hats on eBay, Angry Birds fan fiction, guy doing really easy crossword puzzle, Lenny doing Carl's clown makeup someone's actually working? Maggie?! Who's Mommy's little girl? Genealogy.
org says you are! You are! (Maggie giggles) (chuckles): Aw Wait a minute.
Since Marge is wearing my glasses, I can see everything she sees! Uh-uh, I shouldn't watch this.
MARGE: Such a good baby.
You deserve some ice cream.
Wait a minute-- Marge said we were out of ice cream.
(Marge humming happily) Ooh! (Marge chuckles) (gasps) Oh! What else is Marge hiding from me? (doorbell rings) MARGE: Maggie, he's here! Oh, is she having an affair? Thanks for asking me to lunch.
Oh, why isn't she having an affair?! What about a Valentine that says: "Bully, for you"? Hmm, interesting.
"Interesting" means "no.
" "Interesting" means "no.
" (snaps fingers) Milhouse, you're a genius! I am? What did I say? (groans): Oh, nothing.
On TV when a guy says something lame, another guy says he's a genius, and then he has an idea.
I thought it might work for me.
Well, you called me a genius.
That means a lot.
Oh, I hate this stupid holiday! The only thing you can do is screw it up.
(gasps) That's it! Bart, you're a genius! Well, if you keep throwing the word around, it means nothing.
Who are you? Mr.
Burns! Oh.
I'm so sorry, Mr.
Burns.
I won't bother you again.
HOMER: Marge, that's a "Compact Only" space.
(Marge grunts) (chuckles): Well who knew you were such a rebel? Now let's learn more about my wife's secret life.
Secrets which can only be good.
Hi, Marge.
Dr.
Carlock is ready for you.
MARGE: Thank you.
So, Marge, how have you been? MARGE (sighs): Okay, I guess.
Marge is in therapy?! MARGE: Oh, I hate when I come here and the first word out of my mouth is "Homer.
" But here we go, again.
(sighs) Homer was converting our dollars to "yu-ros.
" Not the money, the sandwich.
And has there been any improvement in Homer's drinking? MARGE: Well, he's down to two beers in the shower.
They're pale ales! Please! Well, maybe if you just concentrate on one problem, like his temper.
MARGE: Oh, everything in the newspaper makes him mad.
Not Marmaduke! Never Marmaduke! Marmaduke was horrible today! Also, Marge is in therapy, and she didn't even tell me.
Whoa.
She has crossed a line.
How did you find out? Spied on her with a hidden camera.
She thinks I'm selfish.
She thinks I don't spend enough time with the kids.
Well, that's crazy.
Come on.
You work your butt off in a radioactive hellhole, and what do you get? Not one lousy superpower.
I guess the only choice is to come clean with her and tell her what I know, and how I know.
Whoa, whoa! Bad idea.
No, no.
Chicks do not like finding out they're being spied on.
I speak from loooooong.
experience.
No, you got to make it seem like you found out by accident there.
Um ooh! Next week you schedule an appointment with the therapist after hers, and then you bump into Midge in the waiting room there.
Moe, that's great! (chuckles): How do you get your ideas? Pretty much all my friends are divorced guys.
Hello, Homie! Dinner's almost ready.
Pork chops with my secret seasoning.
Yeah, you do like your secrets, don't you, Marge? Don't lose your cool, Homer.
The building block of a marriage is long silence.
Hey, where'd she go? Good, good, you held your tongue there.
Because-- hey, where'd you go? Doesn't anybody want me to give 'em advice? Okay there, Fido, when you see that squirrel outside, at first you play it cool, you understand? (barks twice) "I fear you"? This is what Valentine's Day means to you?! This is what it means to everyone.
How can you be forced to say "I love you"? People only give Valentines because they're scared of what would happen if they didn't.
"Nelson, you frighten me so, "The psycho-est bully I know, "You're a sociopath in need of a bath, I'm sure you'll wind up on death row.
" (sniffing) Mmm! You can really smell the fear on this.
I rubbed it on Milhouse.
Simpson, you just touched my heart's butt.
Why are you hugging yourself? Why are you hugging yourself?! If Nelson doesn't do something bully-ish in two seconds, I'm gonna wedgie him.
Nelson doesn't wear underwear.
Wow.
Always one step ahead.
Uh, I'm here to check in for the 3:00.
Please fill out these forms, Mr.
Fakinami.
No, it's "Fake Name.
" I'll just call you Elias.
That's "Alias.
" Duh.
Hm! HOMER: Finally.
Time for the big bump-into.
Same time next week, Marge? Oh, absolutely.
These sessions keep me on an even keel.
Dr.
Carlock is like my Wednesday reset button.
HOMER: Wednesday? (pleasant classical music playing) Okay, she's always in a good mood after therapy.
(sad, minor-key music playing) (Marge hums happily) Oh, my God.
Marge needs this.
It lights her way through the dark path of marriage to me.
Come on in, Mr.
Fakinami.
No need.
Everything's fine.
I'm sorry, but there are no cancellations within 24 hours.
(chuckles): Well, as long as I'm paying for the time Ow! Where'd you learn to cut hair? (nervous chuckle) You know, you have some anger issues.
More snip, less lip.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, Homie, I bumped into Helen Lovejoy today, and guess what? I don't need to know, Marge.
You deserve to have your secrets.
It's not a secret.
It's a funny story.
Okay, Marge, but first, well I have something I need to tell you.
Something I did you might be mad about, and rightly so.
Oh, I bet my story's more interesting.
Whoo-hoo! I tried! Okay.
Okay, so, Helen Lovejoy told me that she made her famous snickerdoodle Bundt cake for the church sale, and she put in salt instead of sugar! (laughs) Yeah? And? That's it.
That was the story.
Where's that cake now? It got sold.
Who bought it? Dr.
Hibbert.
Excuse me.
I have to make a call.
Don't take too long.
Okay, Hibbert's in surgery, but they're having him paged.
(both moaning passionately) Wait, something's wrong.
(grunts) That's better.
Oh, dear God.
Hi, Ralph.
Um, I just wanted to tell you, there was a tooth in the Valentine you gave me.
Plant it and you'll grow a new Ralph.
I don't need a new Ralph.
I like the old one.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, better get ready for St.
Patrick's! and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!