The Simpsons s26e05 Episode Script

HOMER (laughs): Whoo! Pork chops with gravy! Wait.
But today's not Pork Chop Tuesday.
Or Gravy Thursday! I also set up some mirrors so you could watch hockey fights while you eat.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, I love Canadian-on-Canadian violence.
Oh, baby, this is so great! Thank you so much.
I'm just happy you're happy.
Wait a minute, that's not something people really feel.
What's going on? Well, I do have a favor.
Patty and Selma came home early from their vacation, but the cleaners still haven't gotten all the black mold out of their apartment.
(deep roar) So they need a place to stay.
Here.
(shrieks) Paris was a bust.
They wouldn't even let us see the Mona Lisa.
They kept yelling, "La Joconde! Her smile will die!" No, Marge, no! You can't invite a couple of Riddlers to stay in the Bat Cave! You ate the food and looked in the mirrors.
They're staying! (gruff chuckling) (inhaling, exhaling loudly) (Bart and Lisa coughing) Hmm.
Oh, honey, one teensy problem with this plan.
I'm a teensy bit concerned about them smoking around the children.
You know, their lungs are so teensy.
Mwah! Mwah! Hmm.
He has a point.
No, no.
No, no, we don't have to smoke.
We can stop whenever we want.
See? (hissing) (both grunt) Okay, how about this-- if you catch us smoking in the house, even one time, you can throw us out on the street.
You know what? I trust them not to smoke.
And if you trust them, I trust them, too.
(devious chuckling) Safety first! Screw this.
We'll just go outside.
Nature is God's ashtray.
(grunting) (thunder crashes) Bad news, bears.
Forecast calls for nothing but rain.
(both groaning) (grunting) (glass shatters) (humming) Here we go.
Problem solved.
Electric cigarettes.
(loud inhaling) Choke on our harmless fumes.
Hmm? Well, if you fall asleep with them, will you even burn to death? BOTH: Uh-uh.
Oh.
(loud, rapid inhaling and exhaling) They call these cigarettes? They don't stain my fingers, my hair smells like hair, and what do I stub out in my scrambled eggs? Sure, it's got the nicotine, but where's the tar? Where's the stab from every breath that reminds me I'm alive? No smoke detector! Let's roll! (both grunting) Wait, wait.
Turn on the faucet so no one'll get suspicious.
(explosion) (smoke detectors beeping) Aha! I gotcha! (beeping stops) You can't resist smoking in the house any more than I can resist drinking in the car.
What happened? I don't know.
The water caught on fire.
(gasps) And now I banish you from paradise.
I'm glad I never bothered to learn which one of you is which.
Please, show some compassion for two good people who just can't stop smoking.
Hmm hmm.
I know just the place.
(tires screech) (coughing) (both sniffing) Oh! (shudders) Tobacco! (both chuckling excitedly) (loud inhaling, exhaling) Who needs Paris? This is our City of Lights! Flaming tap water.
I saw something about that in a documentary.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Cute.
(gasps) This one! MALE NARRATOR: In this rural community, hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, was greeted as a windfall.
(crowd cheering) By pumping high-pressure liquid into underground shale deposits, fracking releases natural gas, but can lead to devastating environmental consequences.
(whooshes) Yep, used to be you could try burning your water all day and nothing would happen.
Henry, did you remember to turn off the Slip 'N Slide? (children laughing) (explosion, screaming) Well, I reckon not.
I think someone is fracking under our neighborhood.
And I know who.
It's you, Mr.
Texan.
Oil wasn't enough-- now you're going after our natural gas.
Aw, now, ain't nothing natural about gas.
If you can't dance in it, I ain't drilling for it.
I don't do this for the money, it's the dancing.
It's always been the dancing.
(whooping and laughing) (both sigh) All right! BART: Oh, man.
He made us watch him dance for three hours, and he really only has one move.
If someone was fracking in our neighborhood, wouldn't we know it? Maybe a satellite picture will give us a clue.
Hmm, this is clearly a fracking site.
How are they keeping people away? (wind whistling) Aw, it's a terrific sport Shh! This whole building is just a facade for a drilling operation.
Indeed it is.
Evergreen Terrace is built atop a massive shale deposit.
Think of it-- all that poor natural gas trapped underneath your shanties and lean-tos.
Smithers, give these two brats what they deserve for sticking their noses in my business.
(both groan) (groans) Stopping Mr.
Burns may be beyond the power of an eight-year-old girl with a book report due on Beezus and Ramona, but I know someone who can help: the first female Speaker of the State Assembly, a politician who would never ignore a fellow environmentalist in need, my hero, Maxine Lombard.
(gasps) Charge the electric limo-- we're going to Springfield.
What about your cool-down period? What about it?! Lisa! Motorcade! Assemblywoman Lombard! You got my e-mails! I'll go anywhere, anytime, to defend our precious Bay Area values.
(gasps) Terrible! Just shocking.
D-Does anybody have a baby we can hold near the flames? I guess I do.
(sighs) I'm gonna hit this Mr.
Burns with a politician's most powerful weapon: an invitation to a committee hearing.
Mr.
Burns, do you admit that you illegally pump toxic chemicals into the groundwater below Evergreen Terrace? (indistinct whispering) I don't recall.
Mr.
Burns! Have you no regard for the life and health of your fellow human beings? (indistinct whispering) I don't recall.
You can't drill underneath people's homes without their permission.
As chairwoman of this Committee on Energy, Natural Resources and Blimp Safety, your fracking operation is hereby shut down.
(groans) I demand to see that capitalism-castrating suffragette this instant! You haven't bested me.
I will find a way to shatter that shale.
What makes men like you think you can do whatever you want to our planet? Maybe the planet wants a strong man to take her by the hand and lead her.
You don't know what the planet wants.
Oh, and I suppose you do? The planet wants to be protected and nourished and maybe even Kissed.
(both moan) Mwah! Wait a minute, I'm not having a stroke, am I? No.
Am I? I don't think so.
Oh, good.
(both gasp) You! Me? (shudders) This was all a mistake-- an impulsive Reckless knee-buckling spat-snapping Spanx-shredding mistake.
(sighs): Oh, it was great.
(chuckles): Best I've ever had.
And that includes Nellie Taft.
So, Monty, shall we find a way to continue this purely passionate affair? But you're a softhearted liberal! And you're a hard-hearted capitalist.
Enemies by day, lovers by night.
Mmm mwah! Now, get out of my office.
As soon as I collect my things.
Uh, derringer, sword cane, derringer cane, sword derringer.
All right, it's all here.
If I want to resume fracking, I have to buy the mineral rights for every single parcel of land in Evergreen Terrace.
To win people over, I'll need a salesman whose folksy facade masks a deep gusher of greed.
Hmm? (chuckles) Congratulations, Simpson! You're now my chief energy innovation marketing officer.
Whoo-hoo! All you've got to do is sell fracking to your friends and neighbors.
Whoo-hoo? I don't know, "fracking" is one of those scary Lisa words.
Bah! Fracking produces enough clean natural gas to make America independent of sheiks, caliphs and Scandinavians.
Not to mention, it doesn't create any of that awful worker-mutating nuclear waste.
Homer, game starts in an hour.
Don't forget to set your fantasy lineup.
Thanks, Charlie.
Maybe fracking isn't so bad.
Then say yes to this raise, this promotion and this flannel shirt, which says: "I'm not screwing you over.
" I'm not screwing you over.
No, uh, I'm not screwing you over.
I'm not screwing you over.
(crying): I'm so proud of you, Papa.
Some folks will tell you that fracking's no good, but what they don't tell you is, hydraulic fracturing creates jobs.
And all those new workers are gonna want to spend their earnings buying what you're selling-- beer.
Authentic Italian food.
Useless left-handed crap.
Magical nonsense.
Expensive toys for grown-ups they don't open or play with.
Pornography and nachos.
High-quality Spanish-language programming.
High-quality methamphetamines.
Laundry, homework, pranks, poop, poop and poop.
But our water was on fire.
How could you sell fracking for Mr.
Burns? 'Cause I've never gotten a promotion before.
Once I thought I had, but it turned out to be a beautifully-worded firing, so judge me all you want.
I am judging you.
Good.
Judge away.
Judge, judge, judge, judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge, judge, judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Pumping frack cash.
It's a gas cash blast? Residents of Evergreen Terrace are undecided whether to sell their mineral rights to Mr.
Burns.
Mr.
Burns is a vampire sucking the lifeblood of this town and lining his coffin with cash.
Oh, Maxine, no one insults me in a sound bite the way you do.
Oh, Monty, you're such a sexy little Nosferatu.
Same time tomorrow night? (chuckles) I'll bring the oxygen.
(quietly): Better bring two tanks.
Hmm? FRINK: And so, we see a clear correlation between industrial hydro compounds and water table contamination well outside the margin of error.
Mr.
Simpson, rebuttal? (clears throat) Everyone who signs over their mineral rights to Mr.
Burns gets $5,000.
Money is like a job you don't even have to do! (dance music playing) Ay, dinero.
Signing Stu.
(laughter) I think my arguments were more cogent-- Bo-hyvik.
What?! Cogent-- Bo-hyvik! Mr.
Burns, we did it! Everyone in the neighborhood sold us their gas rights! Hmm.
Excellent.
No, no.
It's excellent.
It's excellent.
Uh, maybe you can help me, Simpson.
You've had a relationship or two in your life.
(laughing): Well one.
I have embarked on a "beneficial friendship" with a woman with whom I have nothing in common.
Her opinions are abhorrent to me, but the passion.
Well, look at these racy texts she sends me.
(rhythmic clicking) Oh, baby.
How long can I sustain this high-wire act of loathing and lust? Well, I'm no Carl when it comes to this stuff, but I ain't no Lenny, neither.
And I would say no matter how much you try to keep things casual, someone always gets hurt.
Hmm.
Well, then I must harden my heart against such an outcome.
I appreciate the counsel, Simpson.
Now, please trap-door yourself out.
Glad I could be of help! (indistinct chatter) Do you have the signed gas leases? BURNS: Hold on.
This feels light.
Ah.
One of these deeds is missing a signature.
The gas rights transfer form for 742 Evergreen Terrace was never signed by Marge Simpson.
(gasps) Marge, why didn't you sign? Our water was on fire! I'm sorry, but the law states that unless every single resident sells their rights, Burns can't frack drop one! ALL: Oh! Oh, I was counting on that money to pay for my other calf implant.
Yuck.
I already felt the pride of energy independence.
(loud, overlapping crowd chatter) Marge Simpson, I'm as mad at you as you usually are at me! (gasps) Hmm! (indistinct chatter) (wind whistling) Cheer up, Monty.
All you lost was money, but what you get is me.
(cracking) All I lost was money? (laughs) Let me make one thing perfectly clear.
Our dalliance meant nothing to me! You were but a sprig of parsley garnishing my beefsteak.
Now I cast you aside for the busboys to gnaw upon.
Considered this ill-conceived affair terminated! (gasps) (chuckling) I played this just perfectly.
Oh, yeah, great.
Great, Marge, great work.
Thanks to you, Springfield will never be a natural gas boomtown, and like all boomtowns, it would have lasted forever.
Oh! Our water was on fire! Oh! Was on fire.
Was! I finally got a job I was good at, and now I have to give it up! So, you've come begging not to be fired? Smithers, turn my back on this man! Maximum huff! Wait, Mr.
Burns.
I'm here to man up.
It was all my wife's fault! (sighs heavily) Sometimes I think she and I have nothing in common! Nothing in common, eh? Tell me more.
Marge likes sushi.
I like gum that squirts in your mouth.
She's into romantic comedies.
I like movies where there's only one day a year when murder is legal.
Yup, Marge and I see the world in totally different ways.
Hmm.
Different, exactly.
That's why I had to give my woman the old heave-ho.
So, you don't miss that politics lady at all? Not for one Chinese second.
And I'm sure she's forgotten all about me.
(both gasp) Killdozers.
Whatever are you doing, man?! We're tearing down this place and putting up a recycling center, slash Native American history museum, slash condor sanctuary.
(screeching) Hmm.
A project this bloated and ill thought out could only be the work of an angry liberal.
(gasps) Maxine! My ex is using the thing I hate most against me-- big government.
(grunts) (camera shutter clicking) Stop this ribbon cutting! This is private property! What's the matter, Mr.
Burns? Never heard of eminent domain? You're just doing this to get back at me for dumping you! That is ridiculous.
(gasps) The Antonin Scalia bedroom! It's a National Public Radio broadcast center now.
Who are you? I'm Robert Siegel, and this is All Things Considered.
(theme music playing) Stop laying about, you! There's work to be done! (weakly): Or Gravy Thursday.
If that woman thinks she's been scorned now, she ain't seen nothing yet! (clacking) It's fracking time.
(squeaking) (whooshing) (rumbling) (groaning) (Bart groaning) (grunts) (groans) Is one of the side effects of fracking earthquakes? (voice shaking): Yes! (rumbling continues) What are you doing? You're destroying this neighborhood.
Just like you destroyed my mansion.
I don't know what I ever saw in you, you planet-ruining monster! Likewise, you planet-saving succubus! (metallic rattling) Homer, turn off that horrible machine! You don't know anything about hydraulic fracturing! You've just been brainwashed by liberal TV shows who use fracking as an easy bad guy, but it can save this country! Our water was on fire! Wait.
I finally get what you're saying.
Fracking is great, but the only place it should ever happen is in other people's towns! Hmm.
(grunting) (whooshing) (grunting nervously) You always do the right thing sort of.
What is he doing? He was furious at that woman, now he's embracing her.
He told me himself they had nothing in common.
Nothing except passion.
Mm.
(cracking) (hearts beating) I was a fool to break up with you, Maxine.
I'm sorry I turned your home into a liberal paradise.
You think we could make us work? I don't know.
We're pretty different.
But we've got passion, and as long as we've got that, our lives will never get boring.
Mmm.
Well, there's free jazz on Saturdays at the art museum.
Now they say omega-3 pills are bad for you.
My sister's dog had puppies.
What kind? What kind of what? What kind of dog does your sister have? I don't know.
What color drawer pulls did you want? Nickel or brush nickel? Oh, I wish we'd bought the more expensive theater tickets.
I'll never see anything in row BB.
There's a sale on lawn furniture at the Lawns Plus.
Why are all cars black or gray now? It's like if you see a red one, it's a big deal.
I'm thinking about wearing a watch again.
Shh!