The Simpsons s26e13 Episode Script

(giggles) D'oh! (grunts) Woo-hoo! (screams) D'oh! And I regret to inform you that our Soviet sister city, Springograd, has disappeared from the map.
Now, I'd like to welcome our beloved four-time mayor, Hans Moleman! (applause) Springfielders, rejoice.
What is the one thing our blessed little town has lacked? A human zoo? What we lack is a town anthem.
And you're in luck, because I have written one.
Mr.
Largo, if you please.
Mm-hmm.
There's a special little place A special smile on every face A town called Springfield Special buildings, special sky A unique place to live and die Only Springfield Of all the cities on the mappy You're the one that makes me happy Only Springfield, only Springfield Stop the anthem! What is it, Moe? I was in Tuscaloosa on vacation.
Started out great.
They got a joint there called Moe's Original Barbeque.
But then I heard their city anthem! Give a listen! Of all the cities on the mappy You're the one that makes me happy Only Tuscaloosa, only Tuscaloosa.
That's our song.
They just changed "Springfield" to "Tuscaloosa.
" (growls) Guns are for celebrating.
What do you do with them when you're angry? Now, calm down.
This could just be an amazing musical coincidence.
There ain't no coincidences in popular songs, bony.
Only Austin Only Oakland Only Calgary Only Provo (singing in foreign language) Area 51 (crowd clamoring) We've been singing this song like it only belonged to us, when every city in America's had its lips on it! Even Des Moines.
Wait a minute.
This song was supposedly written by former Mayor Moleman! (crowd murmuring) Oh, I didn't write it.
I bought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in America.
I didn't think you'd find out, because I never thought any of us would ever go anywhere.
Well, then what do I do with this?! Now I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery! Please be merciful.
Hyah! (horse neighs) Boy, sure is nice not to be the one on the horse for a change.
As mayor, I balanced the budget eight times! I still believe in this town-- a town that deserves its own original song.
And as an aspiring musician with off-Broadway dreams, I'm the one to write it.
So ordered.
I'll write that song.
Pharrell Williams?! I'm sorry, everyone, but the eight-year-old girl got there first.
I understand.
It might seem crazy what I'm about to say Sunshine, she's here, you can take a break Hyah! Shelbyville rules! Springfield drools! Let's see.
What rhymes with "Jebediah"? "Tire fire"? How about "Patty and Selma"? "Fatty and smell ya.
" "Mr.
Teeny"? "Sister wienie.
" You've got a gift! Well, don't be so surprised.
I did write that "Lisa, It's Your Birthday" song.
Yeah, with that mental patient who thought he was Michael Jackson.
Whoa.
Thinking back, I'm kind of surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.
Simpler time.
Bart, I need your help to write a new anthem for Springfield.
Will you team up with me? Hmm.
What's in it for me? Uh, I'll make brownies later.
Whoa, that is the best deal any songwriter ever got.
And that's true even if I don't get the brownies.
I'm in! I think we might just make a good team, like Maggie and Grampa.
What are you doing? What's it look like? Writing a song.
(scoffs) Artists.
(makes farting noises) We did it! We wrote an awesome song! We make a great brother and sister team, like Andy and Lana Wachowski.
Should we hug? Mm, how about a fist bump through a towel? That works.
(laughs) I saved us seats.
Oh, thank you, Homie.
Thank you, roll of masking tape.
Uh, gonna be a tight fit.
(grunting) (sighs) Springfield's the only home that we've got But to be frank, there's not a lot To recommend it We've got a big sinkhole And they shut down the think hole Hashtag: SpringfieldPride Has never ever trended This is not boosterism! Warm up the horse.
But when you think of the things we lack 'Stead of the stuff we've got Why Springfield? Why not? We've only had a hurricane once We haven't had a circus fire in months Springfield Why not? Ooh, we're just off the interstate Ah, the second right off exit 8 He didn't blow his line.
Sarah, let's have another! You may find our culture lacking We finally outlawed our snake whacking Sure, our cops are easily bought And our dentists are all self-taught But hooray for Springfield Give two cheers Smallpox-free for seven years Why Springfield? Why not? (crowd cheering) What a song! I feel as if I'm in the lobby of the Brill Building! (cheering continues) Homer, it's a standing ovation.
Get up.
Our kids just did something amazing.
Well, not Maggie.
Get up! Okay, okay.
Standing "O" or die! (grunting loudly) Woo-hoo! (laughter) Stop laughing at me! (crowd screams) (groans) (screams) (sighs) Occupied.
(crowd screaming) Stop fearing me! (sobbing) Damn it! Please keep spinning it.
I don't want to look at it.
Can't you say something to make me feel better? (sighs) I'm sorry, but I can't.
I'm tired of you saying planes have gotten smaller and two presidents were fatter than you, and (sighs) Fine, I got it.
Starting right now, a yearlong juice cleanse.
Every morning, I get a colonic, and I sleep in a sauna every night.
Oh, that's not a healthy way to lose weight.
It's not about health, Marge, it's about going crazy.
You don't have to do this alone.
What the? Hmm.
(sighs) This is it.
My name is Roy, and this week I gained seven pounds.
Yes! No shame there! You go, girth! Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Over-feeders Anonymous.
No, no.
In fact, quite the opposite.
We are Big Is Beautiful.
So you guys are proud of what you are? We do not cower in the shadows, we make the shadows.
Do you guys serve snacks? We've got ice cream hoagies, deep-fried sugar bags, Dorsnickos, Snickeritos, Milky Snicks, Porksicles, and of course diet soda.
Oh, got to have diet soda.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yes, mustn't forget the diet soda.
I have so many questions for you.
First of all, is this floor reinforced? You know, maybe I shouldn't be here.
I promised my wife I'd lose weight.
Huh? MAN: If I may.
Ooh, labels.
Our loved ones, though precious, can often be a hurdle.
Who are you? I'm the founder of our little group, Albert.
Ooh, like Fat Albert! We never use the word "fat" here.
Sorry.
My dear fat friend, all your wife needs is a little education.
Now repeat after me.
I am big.
I am big.
I am beautiful.
I have a beauty of a sort to some.
No one can make me feel bad about who I am because this is who I am! Ditto! You know, I've always wanted to blindly follow somebody, and I think you just might be the guy.
Marge, kids, tonight was a turning point in my life.
Well, that's great, Homie.
Just let me finish uploading this photo.
HOMER: No, Marge, you have to listen! That place you sent me to changed my life.
Thank you, Lord! And I'll give up online scrapbooking, like I promised.
They taught me that I don't need to lose weight.
I should just be proud of what I am.
What? Restore, restore! (buzzer sounds) I met a guy a wonderful guy Oh, Lord.
It's not what you think.
His name is Albert, and he taught me not to buy into the lies taught by Big Nutrition.
That's worse than what I thought.
Marge, you're my wife of ten years and I love you, but I must observe the teachings of this man I just met tonight.
Now, the first thing I have to do is make amends.
With the bathroom scale.
I'm so sorry I threw you across the room and called you a liar.
When you told me I was 260 pounds, you were just encouraging me.
It was a poem you were writing about my potential.
I'm gonna start celebrating my size, and I need you with me as a partner.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to the broken porch swing.
HOMER: So, from now on, you guys can no longer say these hateful words: "Chubby, chunky, blobbo, slobbo, "fat bastard, Michelin Man, Stay Puft, Chumbawumba, "It is balloon! "Papa Grande, Augustus Gloop, "beached whale, big-boned, Wisconsin skinny, "butterball, dump truck, "Jelly Belly, pudgy-wudgy, "lard-ass, blubberino, Buddha belly, "Hurry Eat Tubman, one-ton soup, "Blob Saget, Chub Hub, Calvin Cool Whip, "Manfred Mannboobs, "walking 'before' picture, fatso, Harvey Milk Chocolate, "Obese Want Cannoli, Mahatma Gumbo, "Salvador Deli, Elmer Pantry, "KFC and the Sponge Cake Band, Snackie Onassis, "The Foody Blues, Hoagie Carmichael and wide load.
" What about Mr.
Two Belts? Good, good! By which I mean, "Bad, bad!" You know, as long as we're opening this up-- and I'm glad you are-- I want to tell you guys that when you call me a gargoyle, a troll or a homunculus, it kind of hurts my feelings.
What? You're kidding.
We never dreamed.
Who knew goblins had feelings? You see? That's what I'm talking about.
Because CROWD (chanting): We're big! We're proud! Two of us can make a crowd! Sorry, fellas.
There's a movement I have to join.
I've learned there's something more important than drinking: eating.
Thank you for the easy financing! What the?! Your store is forcing unattainable body images on our young people.
I say, end the thinsanity! You, my friend, are wrong.
Every girl should look like a sexy praying mantis from Milan whose hips are narrower than an Italian parliamentary majority.
Whew.
(siren whoops) Okay, people, show's over.
Nothing to eat here.
Now move along.
If you can.
If not, we're gonna have to take you in.
Clancy, what are you doing? You're one of us! You're right.
Take me in, Lou.
Ow, ah.
(grunting) Hey! Why? Ah, geez, Lou.
You seem to be enjoying this.
Just doing my job, Chief.
(Taser crackles) Oh, that's some nice Tase work, Lou.
(grunting) Homer Simpson? HOMER: Right here! Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Coming through.
Coming back.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
There we go.
Uh, coming up.
What can I do for you? You're free on bail.
People, give thanks to that woman, standing up for all of us, even though she's a lighty.
Thank you.
Although, I think the worst thing that ever happened to my husband was joining your group.
(crowd gasps, murmurs) (clears throat) I'll handle this.
What is the point of a long life if it's not enjoyed? (drooling moan) Homer, you have to choose.
And I think the choice is clear.
Guys, I'm coming back in! Suck in your guts.
(all inhaling) (sighs) Home.
(groans) (laughing) Whee! Whee! Who's he giving a piggyback ride to? We don't know.
Mom, what's wrong? How come Dad's not with you? Are they setting bail by the pound? (laughs) He chose to spend the night in a jail with strangers instead of me.
Mom, Lisa and I learned that we can solve any problem through song.
Lisa, let's go write something that'll change Dad's mind.
Do you really think that we can write a song that does that? I just wanted to get out of the room.
She was really bumming me out.
Ah, geez.
I thought writing another hit song would be easier.
Well, it would've helped if you hadn't crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it.
No more judgment! No more jokes! We will not be made to feel less than because we are greater than! I was distinctly promised no math! Homer, I want to say something extremely important the way a woman does-- subtly, through someone else.
Kids Take it, Bart! You take it! I gave it to you! I refuse to accept it! LENNY: Just start the song! We couldn't write a song.
We're one-hit wonders.
But is that such a crime? Look at J.
D.
Salinger.
Franny and Zooey.
Rubik's Cube! Rubik's Snake! Charles M.
Schulz.
You've got me there.
It's her fault.
She was sucking all the gangsta out of everything.
Well, you're the only "gangsta" I know with a 9:00 bedtime.
Mom said.
Ah, kids, stop arguing.
Or keep arguing.
I don't care.
Homer, I'm sorry I tried to help you control your weight.
(sighs) I'm not sure of anything anymore.
Sorry I ever opened my mouth.
Marge, it's not your fault that you can't win against a superior being like Albert.
(slurps) Mmm.
But, Marge, I don't want you to ever stop caring about me.
How can you follow a leader who won't even get up out of his chair? Marge, I believe you're forgetting America's greatest wartime wheelchair-bound leader: Professor X of the X-Men.
It's not that Professor X wouldn't get up, it's that he couldn't! Well, I'll show you who can get up! (triumphant music playing) (footsteps thudding heavily) (roars) That's right! I don't need this scooter! All of you, follow me to the future! (groans) Oh, dear God.
Stick a forklift in him, he's dead.
(laughs) (organ playing solemn music) I've never written a eulogy before, but this time, I did.
Unfortunately, I left it at home.
Thanks, lady.
What Albert taught us is that all people have pride and no group should ever be insulted.
He knew what was important was how you lived your life every day.
Till he was taken from us too soon, at the age of (whispering) Twenty-three?! People, for God's sake, join a gym! (crowd murmuring) Kumiko, would you still love me if I lost weight? Much more! (sighs) Marge, I'm sorry I was proud of myself.
That's not really what I was It will never happen again! Now come on.
Let's walk home.
Absolutely.
Can I ask you something? What is it that keeps you with me? It's because everything you love, you love so much.
Because you love me, I will not stop yo-yo dieting till I get it right.
Oh At last.
Well done, Dad.
You finally reached emotional maturity.
Unlike Bart.
Bart's very mature.
Take it from the little boy in his tummy.
Now, when do I get to be the head again? Soon.
It's always "soon.
" Whoa! (horse neighs) Oh.
I wish I had said that earlier.
Shh!