The Simpsons s27e07 Episode Script

D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) HOMER: D'oh! Tonight, tonight I'll win at cards tonight My flushes will be Straight tonight Lenny's gonna dominate tonight Carl's gonna be a little late tonight Tonight, tonight I'll cheat them all tonight When they're drunk They don't play cards quite right Tonight, tonight I won't get drunk tonight Without a beer, my head will clear Tonight It's fun to trick a rummy To put liquor in his tummy Your friendship's a delight And you may lose your sight ALL: Tonight (burps) Tonight, tonight Band camp calls tonight My demo goes online Tonight Tonight, tonight My dreams come true tonight Deposit's due tonight I'll take the pot tonight I'll eat fondue tonight I'll spike your brew tonight ALL: Tonight! Moe, what the hell is that?! Sorry.
I missed rehearsal.
Damn it.
Marge, I'm heading out! Poker night! I don't want you losing all our scrimpings! Don't worry, Marge.
The real excitement for me is staying within a budget.
(snickers) This is just a friendly game, right? Oh, super friendly.
Suckers.
Dad, Dad, Dad.
I need two things: a good-night hug and a favor.
Mm.
To save time, I'll start describing the favor.
I've just been accepted to the best band camp this side of the Mississippi! Which side are we again? Doesn't matter! It's a great camp.
Notable graduates include Pete Barbutti.
Pete Barbutti?! Yes! Anyway, it's a little pricey.
So, if you win big tonight, maybe you could help make a little girl really happy.
Don't worry, sweetie, I'm gonna win.
And you know why? I'm wearing my lucky T-shirt.
(sighs) It was such a shame he lost to President Garfield.
Oh, I'll fix this.
There.
(hums a tune) The maestro is here.
(screams, crashes) Hey, who's the lady? What, are you kidding? This is Laney Fontaine, Broadway legend.
She starred opposite Al Pacino in Does a Tiger Wear A Necktie? Ooh! Now I date Moe.
He's got everything I look for in a man: a current liquor license.
(chuckles) Well, it and you are the two most precious wrinkled yellow things I know.
WOMAN (over headphones): Three of a kind beats two pair.
Straight beats three of a kind.
Three beats two.
Four beats three.
HOMER: Oh, my God.
Full house.
We're gonna win! That means Lisa goes to band camp.
As long as Homer doesn't let them know how good his hand is.
Then he'll blow the whole damn thing to hell! That would be terrible.
Worst jammed-in movie parody ever.
Come on, Homer.
Poker face.
Aah! Stupid git! I raise, no calls, pot goes to me.
Hold on, Fat Folds Five.
(stammers) I see your raise, and I raise this.
Is that real? Won it for cinematography.
Invented a new kind of Steadicam that's mounted on a dog.
That's five grand to you.
So, are you in, or are you (groans) While I'm out, no one look at my cards or my boobs.
(groans) Aw.
Don't she black out like an angel? Queens beat jacks.
No one heard that.
I'm in.
(hums a tune) Okay, Homer.
Moment of truth.
Oh, four of a kind! Hey, honey, you won! Huh? I lost.
I lost everything.
We're gonna celebrate, Moe.
What's Springfield's version of Sardi's? Uh, Hardee's.
I know a nice booth under a picture of a hamburger.
Aw, come on, Homer.
I'll drive you home.
(imitates engine revving) Hey, off we go! Vroom, vroom, vroom.
(imitates engine chugging) (door closes) WOMAN: You've completed Poker: A Beginner's Guide.
Now go out there and win.
I bid two bucks.
(floor creaking softly) (belt cracks) (gasps) What was that? Those aren't the tiptoes of a successful gambler.
How much did you lose? $5,000.
(high-pitched chirping) Whoa, I never heard that noise.
(sobbing) (Marge continues sobbing) I'm just sayin', doesn't look like band camp is in the cards.
(playing jazz music) Hey, this is my thing now.
So easy.
Guys, I help with a plan.
Hey, what about a reverse mortgage? I saw a commercial for one where an old lady gave a thumbs-up and it turned into money, which filled up the screen.
The entire screen? Swear to God.
Hey, Homer, here's a thought: invite Laney over for dinner.
Show her your crummy home, your unhappy kids.
Anyone with a heart would take pity.
Finally, my sucky life pays off.
Do you guys think she'll buy it? Oh, yeah.
Your whole house, uh, it smells like a basement.
I've always hated your rugs.
Yeah Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why you have to go there, man? He has such beautiful floors.
Why must he hide them? Why? LANEY: There I am, on the main stage at Caesar's, about to sing "Do You Love Me," when who do I see sitting in the wings? Your boyfriend King Tut? No.
Jack Jones.
High on his success from "Wives and Lovers" with eyes for yours truly.
But you'd just accepted a proposal from Mike Connors.
Which I broke off.
Let's just say Mannix was the one man I had to nix.
(laughs): Oh! Oh, that's rich! Oh, my God.
That's going in your book.
Please tell me you're writing a book.
(choking) (grunts) Sit down, boy.
We're trying to show this dame that we're deserving of her pity.
Where's that crutch I gave you? There's nothing wrong with my leg.
There will be.
D'oh! Ow! Ow, my leg! (sobbing): Oh! Oh, my leg.
Oh! Who would take $5,000 from such a miserable creature? (sobbing) Laney, I know it's your night off, but would you like to sing a song for us? You don't have to ask me twice.
I'm just a Broadway lady Dancing on my aching feet Avoiding any foods with wheat And no drinking pre-show It's okay if the producer don't Know.
(playing jazz music) Wow.
You know your way around a horn, kid.
Oh, listen, I don't want to gush, but I have all your albums.
Laney Sings The Blues, Electric Laney Land, Laney Butchers The Beatles.
Ooh, and my favorite, Rehab Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.
I'll tell you what, Marge.
I'll wipe the slate clean on one condition.
I want you to give Lisa to me.
(grumbles) Uh, for a month or so.
I see.
Get out.
I never want to see you again.
Let me explain.
Listen, lady, you can't take a daughter from a mother unless you're a bigger star and this is a third-world country.
Marge, I know this sounds nuts, but I never had the joy you have.
A child to hug me at the end of the day or-or a chance to pass along what I know.
I'm going out on tour, and she's got all the makings of a star: talent, smarts and a star-shaped head.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
Here's your coat.
Mom, Mom.
Mom, please.
You were gonna let me go to band camp for a month, where people break curfew and exchange reeds.
But this? This is the opportunity to live my dream.
Come on, how many chances in life do you get for that? GRAMPA: None! I've been here, I've just been quiet.
(sighs) I guess I can't deny you this.
All right.
(gasps) Oh, thanks, Mom! And, Mom, if you have any doubts how a showbiz kid will turn out, just look at all of them! (groans) (tires screech) Mom, I appreciate this so much.
You'll be the first person I thank at the Tonys after the great Angela Lansbury.
Bye.
(smoke hisses) (tires screech) (tires screech) Good night, kid.
Would you read to me before I go to bed? Anne of Green Gables? I did the audiobook on this.
If chapter ten sounds like it was Peter Falk, it's because it was.
So I guess you don't want to read it again.
How 'bout I give you some showbiz advice? Every piece of advice someone gives you will turn out to be wrong.
Particularly wrong are people like me who seem knowledgeable.
Aw, she's already out.
(phone rings) MOE: You watching Channel Six right now? Hurry up! Hurry up! Aw! Nah, too late.
The cops cleaned it up.
(piano playing) Chazz Busby.
My director.
The man who's ruined more productions than flu season.
Laney! My star, my muse, my God, what have you done to your face? (Laney and Chazz laugh) Who's the lampshade? This is Lisa Simpson, the sax prodigy who's gonna blow life into my act.
Show him, kid.
(plays three notes) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I wanted an audition, not a recital.
You're in, kid.
I made it in Hartford.
MARGE: Are you sure you set it up right? Yes! Then why aren't we Skyping? I don't know.
Maybe Lisa's drugged-out.
My daughter is not drugged-out.
Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discotheques.
How do you know about all-night discotheques? We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom.
He's a resource.
Use him.
(Skype ringtone plays) How are you, sweetie? (gravelly): I'm good, I'm good.
What happened to your voice? I don't know.
Late rehearsals, cheap root beer.
(coughing) (normal voice): But I'm great! We're heading to New York! (blows) Who's watching you? Sonny and Stix.
(playing jazz music) Do I hear syncopation? Lisa, Lisa, I was thinking maybe you could come home a little early and I'm sorry.
I got to go.
Our take five is over, and jazz is all about following the rules, you know.
Come on, guys.
Don't I get a puff? (gasps) I really have the munchies.
(crunching) Bye! We've got to get her back.
Pack your things.
We're heading for New York.
We should get a place there.
We go so often.
I can't believe I'm gonna be performing here.
(dramatic music playing) I already got my ticket! LISA (nervously): Ah, so many seats.
(car sputtering) Damn it! Lousy electric car.
Dad, just 'cause it got hit by lightning that time doesn't make it electric.
Shut up, boy.
How may I help thee, friends? Our car broketh down.
(gasps) Springfield Englisher accent? You must know my ultra-liberal cousin Ned Flanders.
Oh, he's brought such shame to our family with his lip hair and two marriages.
And do you know he's left-handed? (wheels creaking) Um, can I please use the, uh, little bearded boys' room? (horse neighs) (humming) How deep did thou diggest? With God's grace, it will be enough.
Don't know why There's no sun up In the In the in the How about "in the sky"?! The sky! You ought to know, sweetheart.
You were there when God created it.
Eh, go shave a coconut.
(gasping) I turned down Transformers on Broadway for this? I was a Megatron-sized fool! Kristen Chenoweth was set to play Sam Witwicky's mother.
This is how mad I am! Fade to black! You can't be serious! I said fade! Everyone, meet me back here in however long it takes to wake up from five Valium.
On the dot! (horns honking) Hey, man, how'd you get that seat? They thought I was pregnant.
(indistinct chatter) It's showtime, Laney.
Time to see if there's still a spark left in that smoldering Duraflame log you call a career.
Hey, Laney.
Moe, I need you.
To make me feel confident, strong and beautiful.
Boy, I'm not real good at boosting self-esteem there.
But, uh, if you make a mistake, I can fire my gun.
And that's what the critics will be yappin' about tomorrow.
(chuckles) That's not encouragement! Those are your lyrics! (applause, piano playing) I had a dream A dream about you, baby It's gonna come true, baby They think that we're through But, baby You'll be swell You'll be great Gonna have the whole world on a On a Plate! (crowd cheering) Cheering for someone getting a word right.
That is a low bar.
(panting) Four tickets, please.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
The show is sold out for reasons that elude me.
My daughter's in there.
Eh, we all got our problems.
I'm a ticket seller for a dying art form.
Hey, uh, you're a union man, right? Brother? Why didn't you say so? I have no choice now but to be corrupt.
In you go.
LANEY: Everything's gonna be Bright lights and lollipops (playing jazz solo) (crowd cheering) Come on, let's sneak her out.
Under the guise of soliciting for Broadway Cares.
(coins jingling) Wait.
Wait, Homer.
Look at our little girl.
She's got chops.
Honest-to-goodness chops.
Yeah.
Letting our daughter go on the road with an 80-year-old diva and some sketchy jazz guys was the best decision we ever made.
Everything's coming up roses For me and for you! (crowd cheering) (whoops) Mom, that was the greatest night of my life! MILHOUSE: Hey! When does the show start? It did, and it was wonderful.
Eh, she's been bitten by the showbiz bug.
And when that happens, only working with Bruce Willis can extinguish it.
(giggles) (sighs) Okay.
Just finish out the tour.
We'll see you in Pittsfield.
No way! Pittsfield ain't happening for this little scene stealer.
I love you, Lisa, but you got a bigger ovation than me.
So we can never share the same stage again.
What? How can you say that? Showbiz lesson number seven: just when things are going great, they pull the rug out from under you.
Bad news, Laney.
We're shutting down.
Never cleared the rights to "Everything's Coming Up Roses.
" See what I mean? Also, we're gonna need that rug.
(grunts) (shouts) (sniffles) Mom, suddenly I really want to go home.
Oh.
Mm.
If you go, let me give you one huge piece of advice: take the Eighth Avenue side, then catch a cab and circle back.
And away I go! (scatting) Pow! Well, Laney, youse, uh you still got me.
See how gaudy his house is? A brass doorknocker? Who lives here, Caligula? 'Tis troubling.
Cousin Jacob! All the way from Pennsyl-diddly-vania! I see thou art still using the Devil's "diddly.
" Well, I must confess, I-I do over-diddly.
And I see your house is lit by Edison's witch lights.
(chuckles) Who's holier than thou now, Ned? Homer, you've shown me that I'm guilty of the sin of pride, and that just makes me love you more.
Oh, God, I'm stuck in a Flandwich.
With side orders of love and forgiveness! D'oh! Shh!