The Simpsons s27e11 Episode Script

(groans) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (alarm blaring) (Paul Engemann's "Push It to the Limit" playing) Push it to the limit Walk along the razor's edge But don't look down, just keep your head Or you'll be finished Open up the limit Past the point of no return You've reached the top but still you gotta learn How to keep it Welcome to the limit The limit Take it maybe one step more The power game's still playing So you better push it to the limit The limit, the limit, the limit.
Damn reruns.
(music stops) (squeaking) (theme music playing) (indistinct shouting) "Even then, a wish, I mind its pow'r, "A wish that to my latest hour "Shall strongly heave my breast, That I for poor auld Scotland's sake" (shouts) All right, you little monsters! You've awakened Scotland's shame! (screaming) (grunting) Willie, you know you can't play that torture trumpet to kids.
I'll just use it to vape, then.
(laughs) Class, I would like you to meet your new teacher, retired Air Force Sergeant Ms.
Berrera.
BART: Ay, caramba! Air Force? Sergeant? A woman? (Spanish accent): Good morning, crew.
I am proud to be here educating my country.
(students gasping) For you, teacher.
Because if there's one thing I learned in combat, it's that the most powerful weapon is knowledge.
What's the second most powerful weapon? Shoulder-mounted anti-tank missile.
Duh.
Did you ever American Sniper someone? Uh, that's really not appropriate for me to say.
How many hospitals did you help build? Negative three.
BART: Oh, my God, I've got a cool teacher.
What am I doing? I'm sitting up straight, and my hands are folded like a nerd.
I've got to fix that.
Yes? (gasps) Now one's up in the air.
Okay, let's show this innocent young veteran what happens when you call on Bart Simpson.
Ma'am, my name is Bart, and I just want to say how delighted I am that you're here.
What the hell? Thank you, Bart.
(gasps) A neck tat? Milhouse, have you ever thought a teacher was cute? Oh, yeah.
I thought Krabappel was smokin'.
I kept every issue of the Fourth Gradian she was in.
Great lady.
(to tune of "Easy Lover"): Pretty sober I've only got one beer inside me Pull me over My blood alcohol is .
03 Oh, I like it when the drivers sing their blood alcohol level.
Not so sober So drunk I'll eat gas station sushi.
Homer, don't forget to pick up milk.
Oh.
And not just any milk-- healthy milk, without any hormones.
I won't forget.
Aw, they sell ads in thought bubbles now? (whoops) I'm running a basic errand.
Homer Simpson buying a healthy product? Now I have seen all of the things that there are to see.
(beep) That will be $16.
And can I interest you in any, uh, milk insurance? $16?! Oof, another case of the rich cows stickin' it to the little guy.
Okay, don't worry.
We're going to get you into a milk today.
Hmm.
I like it's in a plastic bottle that'll be around for millions of years.
But is it good for my kids? I know you have concerns.
But this video will gloss over all of your questions.
It'd better.
Hmm.
How's that milk, Jimmy? Boring.
Now, we could engineer a new Jimmy who is less of a brat, but we'll just use science to jazz things up.
(jazz playing) We used to feed boring old grass to cows.
That might have been fine for Farmer Brown.
But we brought in a next-gen blend of phenyl ketamine, ketyl phenamine, and a healthy sprinkling of transuranic elements.
But don't worry, we still get the milk from good old-fashioned cows.
That's the best milk I've ever had.
(chuckles) You said "milk.
" We can't, legally.
I'm not the kind of guy advertising works on, but I'll take 20, no questions asked.
(Marge humming) Hmm? (humming) Bart, you're up already? Don't want to be late for school.
Hair combed, face washed? I thought I'd shake things up.
(humming) Morning, Marge.
Morning, Bart.
What the? Ooh, la, la.
Is it a court day today? Hmm, let's see.
(muttering) Nope, today we're off.
The courthouse is closed because the judge is becoming a citizen.
What gives, boy? Nothing's going on.
Some days a boy just wants to look like he's going to church, okay? I'm the last one to breakfast? (gasps) You guys are planning my birthday, right? 'Cause last year's was kind of lonely.
Boy, that's when I realized just how big a bowling alley really is.
Can we please get a move on? I do not want to miss any school.
Ooh, could this punctual Bart possibly be connected to your cute new teacher? Oh, do I have a cute new sexy teacher? I hadn't noticed.
Bart likes his teacher Bart likes his teacher.
Hey, nothing can turn a boy's life around like a cute teacher.
Like what Michelle Pfeiffer did for Coolio.
In fact, to be supportive, I'll drive Bart to school.
Are you just trying to see how cute the teacher is? Or how handsome he is, Marge.
(quietly): Not a he, right, boy? No.
(whoops softly) Hmm? Even my dad came back for this! That's right, son.
But, uh, right after this, I have to go get some cigarettes.
Last time, you never came back.
(sobs) Oh, don't cry, Norman.
That's not my name! Oh, right.
That's my other abandoned son.
I have a brother! And just what are you doing? Putting the first new coat of paint on this school in 30 years.
(chuckles) It's always good to have a joker in the platoon.
Bart, according to your folder, you need some extra help.
Can you meet me after class? No problemo.
I can move my 3:30 freeze tag.
Ugh, just cancel.
Bart, I'm glad that you're trying, but I am worried that you're starting from a place far behind most students.
It's because I am so troubled, ma'am.
Vulnerable.
I need a firm but pretty hand.
Oh.
Would you like Martin Prince to tutor you? No! Last time he was at my house, he talked about bird-watching all day.
Even my mom got bored, and she loves boredom.
Well, I guess I could see you Tuesdays after school.
(sighs) Tuesday Afternoon I'm just beginning To see (gunfire) Now I'm on my way (boom) It doesn't matter to me Chasing the clouds away.
SKINNER: Uh, Ms.
Berrera? (clears throat) I was, uh, wondering if you needed any help, uh, pulling your maps.
You have to give 'em a snap.
Otherwise, they just get longer and longer.
BART: Oh, my God, he loves her, too.
SKINNER: Oh, my God, he loves her, too.
HERRERA (American accent): Oh, my God, they love me, too! That's right.
In my head, I sound like this.
LISA: No! No, no, no, no! BART: What happened? Did jazz die? Look at me! Acne? But she's only eight.
Somehow I'm becoming a squeaky-voiced teen! (voice cracking): Do you want fries with that? What am I saying?! BART: I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present.
I've got a starter 'stache.
Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv.
I've got to buy a van.
(crying) This isn't fair.
I'm not ready for my awkward years.
This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud! Aw.
Beep, bop, boop.
Dialing for pizza.
(grunts) Somewhere, another mustache is in tremendous pain.
It must be precocious puberty.
It's a thing.
I just read about it in Thing Magazine.
Homer, I'll fix Lisa up, and you teach Bart to shave.
You got it.
But there will be blood.
And there, there, and there.
The cream looks delicious, but don't eat too much.
And there.
See how it's done, boy? Dad, aren't you supposed to take the little plastic thing off the blade? Really? I always wondered about that.
Hmm.
(humming) (gasps) Well, hello, Billy Zane.
(purring) Sweetie, every kid goes through this.
That's why proms are dark.
Just stick some carrots in there three times a day.
So we won't see your sweet little face for ten more years? (crying) Mom, the inside of this hoodie is covered in tears.
Let me try some makeup.
(whimpering) - Cruelty-free? - Oh, yes.
I'll be very gentle.
Marge? Marge, you got to see this! Oh, what is it? D'oh! I actually have two different PTSDs.
The kind we combat veterans know.
And, also, Parent- Teacher-Student Dilemmas.
No! (squeaking, grunts) (gasps) Bart! Do not worry.
I am certified as a paramedic.
Oh! Teacher, could you kiss my owie? Boy, owies can only be kissed by Willie.
(panting) Where's the owie? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Whoa, Lisa, you look great! Beautiful and mature.
Like a sideline reporter.
Oh.
R-Really? Didn't know you were so cool.
Well, um, uh, well, duh.
LISA: Oh, my God, I'm popular! Hope this doesn't go to my head.
It went right to my head! Aah! So when you're done with this page, you will learn how tectonic plates rub against each other till something gives deep down.
(laughs) You do not have to tutor this boy under the new One Child Left Behind law.
But he needs help, and he's not going to be a child much longer.
He's got a mustache coming in.
Yeah, so beat it, bald lip.
(phone chimes) Oh, my God, I just got invited to my first third-grade party! Are the parents gonna be home? Yes.
(scoffs) Lame.
Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches.
Which is better-- A or B? A or B? A or B? A or B? B.
- A.
N.
Ugh! I'm tired of my son having a mustache like a pool boy.
Hey, those pool boys pull in some sweet jingle.
Plus, they get to work in flip-flops.
Homie, it's time we figured this out.
Maybe milk will help us think.
How would milk do that? It's from cows who are smart enough not to get turned into hamburger.
Hmm.
Oh.
I never looked closely at this milk before.
Is it made by a soda company? They don't just make soda, Marge.
They also make industrial foam.
(belches loudly) Homer, it's the milk! Oh.
Hey.
I'll call the help hotline on the carton.
(touch tones sounding) (phone ringing) Talk to me.
Yes, I need a milk refund.
Right.
Um, address, please? Wait, wait.
Hold on.
Oh, Evergreen Terrace.
Sorry.
Our system's a little slow.
(whistling) Aw! (both moaning) Ew! I mean, cool! I just turned a big corner, Bart.
(humming) (laughing): Oh, Simpson, I called you here to gloat.
(scoffs) Yeah, yeah, I know about you and Berrera.
You know about me and Carol? (gasps) You know her name? Oh, first and middle, and I know more.
Her favorite salad bar item is little shredded cheese.
Pff.
Everyone likes that.
Oh, I know a lot more than that.
She's never seen an episode of Friends.
Not even "The One with"? No, not one.
And she has a cat with different color eyes.
His name is Bowie.
No! Face it, Simpson: you can't compete with me.
I can rent a car.
How can I derail his happiness? I got a delivery of live class pets here.
Interesting.
Excuse me.
I have one question.
Yes.
When you're in the shower, do you shampoo your mustache? Of course.
It's a must-stache, not an if-you-feel-like-it-stache.
All right, have a good day.
Dickory doo.
(both moaning) I brought you some candy, Carol.
Not from CVS, not from Walgreens.
From the airport.
And I wasn't even going anywhere.
Oh! Ah.
Your candy's filled with chupacabras.
We've been pranked or possibly punked.
I know who your prankster is.
The Simpson lad.
Were you watching us make out? I was watching you try.
Mom, could you please, please, please stay within the lip liner? A week ago, you'd never even worn makeup.
Now you're an expert like Ace Frehley.
Aah! Sherri.
Terri.
(laughs) I usually don't see double until an hour into the party.
(giggles) (thunder rumbling) It's going to rain, and rain washes off makeup, and then they will see me as I truly am-- imperfect, blemished, a social mess in a lampshade dress.
(thunderclaps) Okay, all right.
Lisa, you were never popular, so you're playing with the house's money.
Attention, party! I'm not like you.
What I'm saying is, I gave my Christmas money to NPR.
I have a chemistry set that I've used! Is there a point to this? And beneath all this makeup, I have problem skin.
KIDS: Ew! What are you talking about? Your skin is fine.
Really? The bad milk wore off.
So, uh, admitting you're not cool is probably the coolest thing you can do, right? (laughs) (kids murmuring) I will see myself out.
(groans) You look ba-lonely.
I feel ba-lonely.
You want to be friends? I do.
Um, how clean is that hand? Mmm mah! Cleaner now.
Okay.
A fish says, "Moo!" (quietly): This isn't gonna last long.
I still take baths in the sink.
Okay, it's over.
Sorry, Ralph.
I'll be eating crayons for one.
(hissing) (explosion) Oh, the plan is perfect! I just have to get Skinner to hold still while I slip a firecracker in his butt.
LISA: Come on, give it up.
Bart, I realized what's been going on.
We've been operating under the influence of hormones.
Hormones? Sounds far-fetched.
(in deep voice): Very far-fetched.
Well, it's true, so give Skinner a shot.
Everyone deserves happiness.
Even wieners.
Hey, Dad, how much does the Mustache Fairy pay? Hmm, three bucks.
When you asked me to go skating, I really thought you knew how.
Uh, I thought I could learn by watching YouTubes this morning.
All right, Simpson, I'm here.
Do what you do best-- your worst.
Look, Seymour, I'm not gonna do a thing.
Carol, he's all yours.
Wow.
The first war I've won.
Uh, Carol, all that's left is for you to meet my mother, and, uh, up she skates now.
My son, I just want to say, I wish the four of you the best.
Four of us? You, her, your model planes and nudie books.
Sorry, Seymour.
Now I can't look at you without picturing it.
Oh, my room's not that bad.
I'm talking about your mother.
(cackling) Hey, listen, want to roast marshmallows? I'd like that.
Great, man, great.
You're buying.
(saxophone playing) Thank you, Simpson.
That does feel better.
Fire looks like it's dying down.
BART: Thanks, man.
Well, I guess a lot of women leave their men to go back and serve in Afghanistan.
No one drives 'em away like you, Seymour.
(saxophone playing) Well, no more makeup for me.
Ever! What about when you're blowing your stupid horn at Carnegie Hall? (gasps) If you say it out loud, it won't come true! Carnegie Hall.
Carnegie Hall.
Carnegie Hall.
(both grunting) Looks like someone's still drinking the milk.
(both grunting) Shh!