The Simpsons s27e13 Episode Script

1 GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: I can't see! (engine sputtering) (grunts) (bell ringing) (belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) The Simpsons 27x13 Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4 @elderman (tires screeching) D'oh! (grunts) (sad music plays) (dramatic music plays) (gunfire) (groans, gasps) (whimpers) (chuckles) Hmm? (sad music plays) (gasps) Uh (clears throat) Sir? Yes? Uh, well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day.
Ah, yes, the day of the great Chicago massacre.
Uh, and our employees have requested to leave early to be with their loved ones.
Of course, uh, I'll be with you.
(coughs) Ooh, Smithers.
More face hardener.
(skin squeaks) Never! Well, if you want to tamp down a potential rebellion, might I suggest a party after work.
A sweethearts dance, if you will.
Sweet hearts? Mmm tasty.
Excellent.
(hearts beating) No, I don't want candy.
It's not candy, it's baby hearts.
Ah A sweet hearts dance it is.
(arrows whooshing) (gunshot) Hey, Brandine! You know how to shake and bake cherub? Cletus, you know I can fry up whatever you can shoot down.
Oh, Brandine, of all the cousins I coulda married, you was my sister.
(chuckles) (dance music plays) Carl, this is Mandy.
Mandy, isn't Carl everything I said he was? Okay, Lenny, time to stop talking about Carl.
Why don't you to ask me to stop breathing? Oh, Marge, it's so great to combine the two loves of my life: goofing off and you.
Hey, listen, there's one fantasy I've always wanted to indulge in.
If you're willing.
(moaning, kissing) (Homer moaning) (Marge gasps) What are those frisky hounds up to now? (shrieks) (yells, grunts) Wait a minute.
That contractor said this was a bottomless pit! I'll have his license! Hey, Professor! I didn't know you worked here at the plant.
I consult.
Sometimes they listen, sometimes not.
People have died.
You didn't hear that from me.
So, who are you here with? Well, no one as yet.
But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm.
Hello there, vo-ivy.
Well, there's, uh, no mistaking that message.
(cell phone ringing) GRAMPA: Hello, Homer! D'oh! What is it, Dad? It's Valentine's Day.
I'm alone.
And that cat who can smell if you're dying is staring at me.
What are you looking at?! (meows) Son, I'm scared.
This cat has taken five this year.
People in their 90s don't just suddenly die for no reason.
Please come.
Okay, Dad.
We'll come over.
Can you pick me up a pack of diapers? Oh, for-- They always think they're for me.
Fine.
I'll just take a large drum of butt ointment.
(meows) Hurry! (screeches) Uh-oh.
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
I don't see why, unless you found that missing puzzle piece.
How 'bout I put on some music? I never Smiled again Oh, I used to dance with my Auggie to that tune.
Yeah, me and my Bubbeleh made love to that song.
Creating a kid who never visits.
ANNOUNCER: And now back to Prairie Home Companion.
(screaming) MAN: Pull the plug! No, on me.
Okay, time for some Valentine's candy for our swinging seniors.
Don't patronize us, we know it's pills.
But it's a new brand and they're oh so pretty-- look, green.
Like M&M'S with hope.
Oh, it's starting to kick in.
Much better.
Suddenly, I don't want to kvetch.
I want to kvell! I can feel all the tension going out of my beard.
Oh (relaxed moans) Oh (barking) Mona? I thought you were gone.
Nonsense, Abe.
I didn't leave you and I am never going to leave you.
That doesn't sound like the Mona I knew.
I'm the Mona that lives in your memory, with all the anger turned to honey by nostalgia.
So what you're saying is, this is really happening.
(laughs) (big band music playing) (no music playing) Do you think it's okay to leave them here? Marge, all we ever do is leave them here.
(scoffs) I just think there's more we should do.
We could visit your mother.
No.
No, you're right.
Let's go home.
HOMER: Check it out, guys.
CVS stands for Cheap Valentines' Surplus.
You get a box! You get a box! Haven't forgotten about you, suspicious Iranian coworker.
(Iranian accent): Please, call me Dennis.
(Frink groaning) Oh, my gurvy is muh.
Oi Professor? Professor, come on, this is a workplace.
Ooh, dregs! Oh, wow.
Oh, my egg head is pickled, muh-oyvic.
Did you sleep here all night? Yes, you are right, I did.
Valentine's Day, you see, is quite difficult for me.
I saw that Stephen Hawking movie and all I could think is, "He's got a girl?" Give me a frickin' break.
Two girls.
Oh, I'll never win and I'll always have to only be looking.
Listen, pal, I've had plenty of experience with one woman.
And I can tell you, relationships are just trial and error.
Like anniversaries.
First I tried "don't remember," then "remember too late," then I happily settled on "make Lisa remember.
" And my relationship with Lisa has never been better.
Yes, you say trial and error, eh? My good man, that is nothing more than the scientific method.
(bell dings) Well, now, that's a little wasteful.
(bell dings) Ah, much better.
I shall use science to uncover the secret to women.
Homer, scientific research can solve anything except for cold fusion, quasars, the interior of black holes and what preceded the big bang.
But everything else can be solved, including love.
Pish-posh, Professor.
What makes a guy and a girl click isn't science.
It's chemistry! Which is science.
What?! See, I have asked an enormous cross-section of women one single question-- what attracts you to a man? Let us listen and learn and have some lemonade, which I just squeezed nicely.
(overlapping voices) the most important thing that I look for I like it when they're tall.
Blue eyes! Definitely wants kids.
Hmm, I didn't hear the last one.
First I'll replace these Coke bottle glasses with invisible blue contacts.
Mm-hmm.
Next, of course, is shoe lifts for height.
Make you much taller, look down upon people.
It's wonderful.
Whoa, whoa Hey, look at me.
I'm Herman Munster! (laughs) Actually, he had Lily, who was quite a dish.
So, do you, uh, find me attractive? Sorry, but no.
Oh, curse the luck! And this is an android that I programmed to say nothing but "yes.
" (electronic whooshing) Why? Why? Why? What am I over-look-ing? Uh, Professor don't be offended.
Do you think it might be your voice? Why, what's wrong with my voice, with the up and down and the extra words and the terminal nonsense in the hoyven clyven wayen.
Oh, my God, it's the voice.
Duh.
MARGE: Hello.
We're here to see Abe Simpson.
I brought him a homemade card! I brought me.
That's enough.
Oh what the? (woman humming) Gee, I thought they'd be over this by now.
(humming) Wow, they are really out of it.
There must be some way to take advantage of them.
You're telling me! Eh.
This little device, which fits under the tongue, will change everything.
(deep, sexy voice): This voice is an amalgam of great voices (like Clark Gable): from Clark Gable (like Walter Cronkite): to Walter Cronkite (like Rush Limbaugh): to Rush Limbaugh! (deep, sexy voice): I don't agree with his politics, but his body is a natural echo chamber.
Wow.
That does change everything.
You turned me on.
Oh, it's time for a little field test, I see.
Any other advice, Homer? Yep-- hang out at yoga classes.
That's where the ladies are.
(normal voice): How would you know about yoga class? Uh, I thought it was yogurt class.
Twenty-one! Dealer wins again.
Now, here's our headliner, Dolly Parton.
(banjo plays) Oh, she's good.
Bart! Ay, caramba! You're taking advantage of these people who don't know where they are.
I'm taking them back where they belong.
Oh, no, you don't.
He just comped me a suite! Fantastic! (clattering, thud) (meows) (gasps) You can't keep pumping powerful drugs into people who can't even bite into a peach.
Mrs.
Simpson, it's a fact.
If these seniors aren't medicated, I can't binge-watch Boardwalk Empire.
Nucky dies at the end! Yeah, well, screw you.
I'm going to report you to the state.
I really don't care.
(groans) Wha? You broke me.
I'm going to say something I've never said.
How can I help you? Um, I'll wait outside 'cause they might make me do something.
I've changed my height, I've changed my eyes, my relationship status-- I-I don't know why I put "unavailable" there.
That certainly did not help matters.
But now it is time to change my voice (clears throat): Oyce Voy (deep, sexy voice): And the hoyvin and the flayvin are now "hasta la vista, Frinky.
" Ooh.
(hums) Mm (chuckles softly) (scoffs) I'm always next to the jerk who comes here to meet women.
Hey, look, I get you.
You broke up with a long- time high school boyfriend 'cause he just wasn't going anywhere.
Then you play the field, but it's all losers who just want to take from you.
Now you're just hoping beyond hope for a man you can hug who'll organize the wires behind your TV.
And believe you me, sweetheart, I can organize every wire you have.
Now I'd like to show you a picture of my new puppy.
Yeah, his name's (sneezes) (normal voice): Logarithm.
(clears throat) (deep, sexy voice): I mean Larry.
Aw Here's my number.
And to prove it's not a lie (cell phone ringing) Yeah, baby.
(both giggling) Call me! Man, you're reading page three and the next thing you know, you're finishing the last article, hmm.
(normal voice): I got all their numbers! Boy, you are smooth.
Carl smooth.
Now I'd better get home.
And in case Marge is mad, can I borrow that chip? Oh, sure thing, pal.
I have extras.
(sniffing) (low voice): Chitter, chitter, baby.
(chittering) I was so worried.
Where have you been? No, don't tell me.
I don't want to hear one of your stupid lies.
(deep voice): Marge, my dear, you are the pork chop with gravy on top.
And I'm the applesauce that brings out your flavor.
Oh, Homie.
(Homer coughs) (deep voice): What the hell was that? (normal voice): What the? You're not my wife.
Which I find intriguing.
Suit yourself.
(laughs) So, Professor, tell me all about last night.
Dish-dish-dish! Uh, yes, well, I can't talk now.
I'm on a date.
And then I have a date.
And then another date.
Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? This is my cousin, Nookie Kwan.
I'm number one on the east side.
(quietly): Oh, gah-layvin.
Have any of you seen John Frink? He ain't here.
But his hover-tronic Frink-a-ma-car is parked outside.
Hey, if I say he ain't here, he ain't here.
Hey, Moe, there's a rat floating in my beer.
It ain't there.
(door closes) Thank you, my good man, but, uh, I saw some terrible things down there.
Like for one, Moe is pantsless.
Hey, it's apron-only Tuesday.
Oi You're a lucky guy, Frinky.
Got all the chicks you want while I can't find a single woman to put up with me and my domesticated wolverine.
Lucky Frink.
I got nothin'.
Some guys get all the breaks.
Let me see here.
Uh, needy men plus lonely women I-I just bring them together! Hey, that's some nice thinkin' there.
Now, how 'bout a beer and a baked potato.
Ah, that sounds nice.
We don't serve baked potatoes.
What happened? Everyone is incredibly depressed.
(groans) (sighs) (electronic sigh) I admit the hallucinations were getting out of hand, so I stopped the meds.
And hid them in the one place they'll never look: the library.
Well, there's one thing you didn't count on-- I go there because it's the only room in this building with heat.
(Marge gasps) Grampa, you're not allowed to take dangerous drugs unless they're in a little paper cup.
Listen here.
Every night I watch my roommate cry himself to sleep.
Yesterday I found out it was a mirror! I'm gonna find my Mona! (grunting) There's a lesson here-- never visit Grampa.
(gasps) My old car.
Oh, that's some fine hallucinatin'.
To the good ol' days before polio was cured! Hot diggity! It's America the way I liked it, before we went to the moon and discovered how boring it was.
(laughing) I found the one happy moment in 80 years of life and I ain't leavin' it.
Oh, this ain't right.
(snaps) That's better! This ends right now! She's not real.
None of this is real.
Imaginary cigarettes? Nonexistent candy? (stammering) Get outta here, Marge! Unescorted women like you aren't allowed in this era! I'm not getting out, I'm cutting in.
You can't live here.
You have people in the real world who love you.
Two are standing right over here.
If you live in the past, you'll never have us.
And what's more precious to a grampa than his grandchildren? Particularly his grandson.
Aw, your sexist argument has won me over.
We women will have our day.
Attaboy.
(groans) Good-bye, Mona.
And good-bye, pack of cigarettes for a quarter.
I think I'll miss you the most.
(gasps) So what, uh all that dancin' around with me meant nothin'? (chuckles): Oh, I'll be back to steal a kiss later.
And as for you I've got more involved plans.
(groans) So, Frink is finally going to announce which woman he's chosen to be with at the Springfield Planetarium.
It's like an episode of The Bachelor, but you drive there and pay six dollars for parking.
Why are we both explaining it if we all know what's happening? I like talking to you.
(normal voice): Ladies, please pay attention here.
(groaning, murmuring) You see, I, uh I thought I was the only one who was lonely.
But I have learned that loneliness is everywhere, like superhero movies.
How many times can Batman begin? I have reworked my algorithms to make you not like me, but to find the man that will make each of you happiest, yes.
Uh, release the bachelors! I hope they enjoy it.
(gasping) (impressed murmuring) Duffman would love to be taught how to speak in the first-person.
(chuckling) Everyone's paired up.
Almost everyone's paired up.
Professor, what about you? Where's your match? For me, my true love is intellectual conquest, the-the music of the spheres.
(owl hooting) Well, sometimes it's good just to be alone.
And now the purple dusk of twilight time Steals across the meadows of my heart ("Stardust" continues) High up in the sky The little stars climb ELDERLY WOMAN: What are you doing with my daughter?! Why did I build a mother? Oi, goy-vick.
Wait a minute, how come we're all back here? I flushed the rest of the pills down the toilet.
Looks like they made their way to the reservoir.
We should really try to wake up.
Are you kidding? There's a full buffet and Dean Martin's here.
Eh, that's right, pally.
Here, try the shrimp.
Some have gone bad, but, uh, most are fine.
(slurps) @elderman Shh!