The Simpsons s27e16 Episode Script

1 (snoring) Hmm? (grunts) The Simpsons 27x16 The Marge-ian Chronicles (engine cuts off) Hey, Flanders.
Gas up your leaf blower much? (gasps) Chickens? Since when do you have chickens? Oh, about six months.
Well, they've been driving me crazy.
Get rid of them.
(chuckling): Oh.
Don't let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers, fella.
Chickens.
You have yourself a perfectly good coop, and that's what you keep in it? (whistles) Oh, Homer, surely you know there's nothing tastier than a fresh-laid egg.
How do you want 'em, boys? BOTH (chanting): Coddled! Coddled! Coddled! (chuckles) What is it about boys and their coddled eggs? Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm? Whoa, so orange.
I'm sorry, I can't eat these.
Flanders has freshly-pooped eggs, orange as a sunset over a field of ripe Doritos, while these-- look, I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking-- store eggs are yellow.
They're yellow eggs, Marge.
Yellow.
Why do you always think about what you don't have? Has anyone ever thought about what they do have? Have you? Not that much.
Have you? Nope! Have you? Boy, I won't live long enough to teach you about sex, but I'll be damned if I don't show you how to steal eggs.
Okay, son, stay sharp in there.
If chickens are known for two things, it's bravery and intelligence.
This is what we're after.
(grunting) (chickens squawk) BART: I got one.
Hurry, fat-ass! (both moaning) How can idiots say there's no God when a species that evolved from dinosaurs feeds us their unfertilized babies? Ugh, if I could lay eggs like these, I'd never leave my bedroom.
(both grunt) (yips) (screams) The farmer! Homer Simpson, I am going to enjoy finding it in my heart to forgive you for this.
(both groan) Well, there's no getting past that.
We may not be able to steal Flanders' eggs, but we can steal his idea.
You mean get our own chickens, feed them, love them and eat their eggs? Check.
Mate.
(squawking) (hammering) Urban poultry farming is a great way to reduce our carbon footprint.
Or maybe increase it, I'm not sure.
But they're so cute! Now, don't get attached.
I'm about to cut them open to scoop out the eggs.
No, look! They're already laying.
Now, what lays bacon? One two eggs! (moaning) (moaning) Delicious.
Delicious.
(groans) These don't taste right.
You're crazy, these are the best eggs I've ever eaten.
No.
No, something is missing.
Hmm.
(slurps) (gargles) (inhales) Hmm, Bart's right.
They're not as good as the eggs we stole from Flanders.
The eggs we stole from Flanders! You don't think they tasted so great because they were stolen, do you? Only one way to find out.
(door opens) FLANDERS: My potato chips! Okay, first, a chip from the control bag.
Now the stolen bag.
(both moaning) It's true.
Theft equals flavor.
(Homer grunting) (Bart snickering) Ah, forget it.
Just take 'em.
You can't just give them to us! They only taste good if we steal them! Keep chasing! It improves the flavor! Sure, sure, whatever works for you.
(Homer and Bart laughing) I guess we don't need our chickens anymore.
Don't worry, I've already found a research facility that will raise them humanely.
I wasn't worried about that.
If you're going to eat the chickens, don't tell the girl.
Oh, no, these chickens are here to advance the cause of science.
(Simpsons oohing and ahing) HOMER: Look at all those lab coats.
At Exploration Incorporated, our mission is to help humanity make the next big leap.
That's so fascinating.
When did you incorporate? We are preparing to launch the first privately-funded, manned mission to Mars.
(gasps) You're going to Mars? That's incredible.
Uh, yes.
How do you plan to solve the problem of eyeball explosion when you take off your space helmet? Uh, you leave your helmet on.
Hmm, these guys seem legit.
This video will explain our revolutionary vision.
NARRATOR: Human beings are explorers.
It's what we do.
It's who we are.
But since our world holds no more secrets, we must journey to Mars.
Government agencies like NASA say it will be decades before we set foot on the Red Planet.
At Exploration Incorporated, we're working hard to establish a human settlement on Mars ten years from today.
Soon a select group of colonists will leave Earth forever and become the first residents of another world.
Will you be one of them? Exploration Incorporated.
Never stop exploring.
(gasps) HOMER: What about those Mars nutjobs? Who wants to take a one-way trip to a barren, lifeless rock? Yeah, in a couple years, we'll have a perfectly good barren, lifeless rock right here This guy gets it.
Well, this mission really gives me hope.
I'm tired of nothing but bad news about the future.
Yes, but to travel to another planet, knowing you can never come back, you'd have to be pretty sad.
Aniston sad.
I'm not sad, I'm inspired.
That's why I volunteered this afternoon.
What?! The mission leaves in ten years.
I'll be 18, and I'm going to Mars.
No way, young lady.
We cannot afford to send you to Mars.
It's free.
Cheaper than college.
No.
No! You volunteered to go to Mars and leave your family? Forever? This mission could save humanity.
What if I was the first person to set foot on another world? I'd never be able to hug my daughter again.
They thought of that.
They give a virtual hug machine to every family back home.
That does look pretty snuggly.
(gasps) No! I think this could be my true purpose.
Just let me try out.
They might not even pick me.
I mean, I'd pick me, but Absolutely not.
You are grounded.
You are confined to this planet.
And its moon.
(growling) HOMER: Uh, honey? A word before you continue parenting? What? In all my years of living with the female species, I've learned one thing.
When they want to do something totally insane, your only move is to support them 100%.
Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.
Really? Have you ever done anything just because someone told you not to? You cannot marry Homer Simpson.
I forbid it.
Hmm.
And now you got me.
(humming) Oh, my gosh.
We both know Lisa's not going to Mars.
It's just a little girl's fantasy.
But if you forbid someone from doing something, they'll want to do it more.
So we should just pretend we're cool with our daughter abandoning us forever? Exactly.
It's an old relationship move I call "turning into the skid.
" If you just play along, sooner or later Lisa will lose interest in her terrible idea.
You haven't used that trick on me, have you? No, no.
I learned it from observing other marriages.
Ones less fantastic than ours.
(garbage disposal whirs) Hmm, "turning into the skid.
" You know, I looked at a map, and Mars is just one planet over.
If you really want to try out for this mission, I support you.
Really? Thanks, Mom! If they choose me to be a colonist, I could make jazz the dominant music form of a whole new planet.
That's exactly where jazz belongs.
Way to turn into the skid, baby.
Now watch Lisa lose interest in Mars, just as sure as you gave up on opening that G-rated comedy club.
I thought Gentle Jollies was a great idea.
Oh, not great.
Amazing.
Hmm, now that I think about it, that idea did have a lot of problems.
Greetings, candidates.
The testing that begins today will determine which of you have the necessary skills to thrive on Mars.
Think of how satisfying it will feel to stand in the Valles Marineris and thunder-chug a Blue Bronco energy drink.
I'm sorry, Blue Bronco? Wait, thunder-chug? Blue Bronco is just one of this mission's many corporate partners.
Because this is a privately funded entrepreneurial mission, we've teamed up with some of America's most exciting brands.
We're talking Mega-Charge Batteries, Fantasy-Lunatics.
com, Trudge-Rite Work Boots, Draft-Pigs.
And who here likes Fig Glutens? (excited chattering) What? The fig seeds get caught in my adult braces.
Oh, I should not have given away my dog, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, it's hurting my (gibbers) Oi! I can't feel my (gibbers) (chickens clucking) LISA: Principal Skinner? What brings you on this mission to make mankind a two-planet species? Mars is the ultimate field trip.
And all they sell at the gift shop is immortality.
Also, I'm drowning in debt.
Well, I hope to establish a planet of perfect equality-ment.
On Mars, you are my servant.
Uh, well, well, either way is good, really.
And then, finally, I got to spend some quality time with the oxygen reclaimers.
You must've felt like the belle of the ball.
You said if I supported Lisa's crazy idea, she'd lose interest.
Oh, Marge.
You'll never understand the female mind.
We're just getting started.
What more can we do? I've utilized my male mind to come up with a plan so supportive, Lisa will never want to do anything again.
What are you guys doing here? We're trying out for Mars, too.
We were so inspired by you being inspired.
A family unit could be perfect for this mission.
NASA would never have the guts to shoot a baby into space.
And your father is a former astronaut.
What an honor.
Last time, I almost killed everybody.
And what did you learn from that? Lessons, I guess.
LISA: Okay.
Mom, Dad and Bart don't want to go to Mars.
So this must be some sort of mind-game reverse super-fake-out.
HOMER: Poor Lisa.
She is so faked out.
LISA: And all I have to do is be patient.
Pretty soon, they'll get sick of this and quit.
HOMER: I'm getting sick of this.
I think I'll quit soon.
LISA: It's just a matter of time.
HOMER: I wonder which one of these two guys is the one I quit to? PAUL: We will now test your ability to handle close confinement.
For the next week, you'll be living in the Martian Habitat Simulator.
I'll man this station.
(zips door closed) (zips door open) (zips door closed) Okay, Mom.
Since you're so excited to go to Mars, you'll be thrilled to start on the hab's daily maintenance procedures.
"Nutrition Zone Sterilization Sequence.
" (gasps) That's just kitchen cleanup.
Fun! No, no, no.
Procedures aren't "fun.
" Sure, if you call them "procedures," they're a bore, but if you think of them as "chores," they can be a blast! (grunts) They're not chores! They're science! Ooh, there's even directions on how to properly clean this binder.
(humming happily) Oh, no.
You cannot like this more than me.
(both humming) (Lisa hums louder) Dinner is served! I rehydrated it with love.
And recycled toilet water.
(Homer and Bart moaning) So good, Marge! Well, today I tested nitrogen levels in our atmosphere.
They were the same as yesterday.
More toilet carrots, please! (annoyed groan) HOMER: Can't sleep.
(grunting) My sleeping pod's too small.
They have an expansion mode for morbidly obese astronauts.
(grunts) Hmm.
I know we're just here to fake-support our daughter, but you're pretty good at this space junk.
Moms spend their whole lives obsessing over unlikely catastrophes.
In space, that's what you're supposed to do.
(humming happily) (whistling) (humming) (sighs) (grunting) (panting) (grunting) (exhales) BARRY: The hab study is complete.
To all the male participants, your monumental incompetence has sullied and cheapened space forever.
Now get out.
Good.
It's a stupid idea and I hope everyone dies.
HOMER: You're letting the Martians in! (Comic Book Guy exhales) BART: I'm keeping the jumpsuit.
Marge and Lisa, congratulations.
You've both passed with flying colors and will be named finalists in our astronaut search.
Marge, you're a revelation.
Most of our candidates are of the egghead loner variety.
Bookworms, teacher's pets, friendless middle children, that sort of thing.
(growls) But you display an amazing ability to perform repetitive tasks without getting bored.
Even our robotic arm gets a little cranky.
Ow! That's two, Lorraine! (whirs softly) May I talk to you in private, please? Admit it: the only reason you're here is to support me until I lose interest and quit.
Well, I'm not going anywhere, so you can quit.
Maybe I don't want to quit.
Do you realize what a big deal it is to be a space colonist? Yes! That's why I want to do it! I think you don't like that I'm just as good at Mars as you.
Maybe even better.
Ha! Hardly.
All you are is a a stay-at-hab space wife! Hmm.
Well, it looks like the ego has landed.
You're the last person I would ever want to go to Mars with.
In ten years.
That's too bad, because I'm going with you.
In ten years.
LISA: On Mars, that would be a door slam! Sometimes I feel like Lisa has no respect for me.
I know, I know.
I'm finally good at something and she has to make it into a competition.
That must be really hard for you.
It is.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Thank you.
Mom's always trying to hold me back! I know, I know.
I can't be her little girl forever.
That must be really hard for you.
It is! I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Thank you.
That listening-to-women junk you taught me really works.
The trick is in the nodding.
Dad, after seeing Mom and Lisa go at it, I'm glad our relationship is about physical abuse, not psychological.
Me, too, boy.
Aw.
This press conference was originally scheduled to introduce our ten Mars mission finalists.
However, our rivals at Space Colony One, a division of Pepperidge Farms, just announced that their Mars rocket is nearing completion.
We made a solemn promise to Fig Glutens that they would be the first cookie on Mars.
Therefore, we have moved up our launch date from 2026 to Thursday.
(gasping) Thursday? This Thursday? Are you all ready to be a part of history? I wanted to be someone who's bravely going to Mars eventually.
I haven't used my Open Table dining points! I'm still very much an alcoholic.
Uh, I-I guess we should leave, too.
I knew it! What? This has all been an elaborate charade.
You never had the guts to go to Mars.
Oh, I have the guts.
I once went to a rock concert by myself in the rain.
It was Loverboy.
Then let's go.
To Mars.
Yeah, let's go! To Mars.
Hmph.
Hmph.
Ladies and gentlemen, mankind's first residents of Mars, powered by Simmer-Time Dinner Sauces.
Dinner time is Simmer-Time.
For sauce.
(cheering) They're leaving in a week? Mom's my only good parent.
And Lisa's my only good kid! Why won't they admit that neither of them actually wants to go to Mars? I'm not giving up yet.
There's got to be a limit to their stubbornness, right? FLIGHT DIRECTOR: T-minus one minute to launch.
HOMER: D'oh! Here we go! I guess.
Yep.
We're doing this, apparently.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Mom.
There's no one I would rather go to Mars with.
I love you, sweetie.
I love you, too.
I don't want to go! This is the stupidest idea we ever had! Abort launch! That's a negative.
I think you're forgetting the motto of Blue Bronco: "Let's do this thing.
" FLIGHT DIRECTOR: Twelve eleven HOMER: This is not happening.
Do you know how to run the dishwasher? Of course not! Maybe we can use paper plates! Where the hell do we get those? Mom, no! Marge, no! FLIGHT DIRECTOR: three two one Ignition! It's not a real rocket.
It's the outside of a real rocket.
We did plan to build a real rocket.
And that's one thing they can never take away from us.
That plan is our legacy.
Then why did you move up the launch if you knew it was fake? To inspire the next generation.
And to provide a distraction while we drove away.
Then why are you still here? Our car wouldn't start.
Mom, doesn't it frighten you that we almost went to Mars out of sheer stubbornness? That's what a mother-daughter relationship is, sweetie.
A series of near-fatal emotional standoffs.
Okay, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Surely we can learn from this.
One day, we'll figure it out.
On this planet or another.
(chickens clucking) It's my life! If I want to leave Mars and move to Venus, you can't stop me! (annoyed grunt) Mom's always trying to hold me back.
I know, I know.
I can't be her little girl forever.
That must be really hard for you.
It is.
Nod-Bot is so sorry you have to go through this.
Thank you.
@elderman BARRY: Well, that's one for the win column.
PAUL: I can't wait to find out what we're gonna do next.
BARRY: We should fix racism.
PAUL: Racism is bad for business.
BARRY: And that is racism's fatal flaw.
PAUL: I'm thinking of an app that would use the best algorithms in the world.
BARRY: Algorithms like that would be great for this idea I've been back-burnering.
It's an ad-supported restaurant.
You get free food, but you have to watch ads.
If you want a hamburger, you watch five ads.
Tater Tots are, like, three ads.
Have you tried these things? PAUL: I've heard about them, actually, I didn't actually BARRY: They're good.
They're really good.
PAUL: I love everything you just said, but what if it was a barbershop? BARRY: Might be a good idea if you're interested in changing the world! Shh!