The Simpsons s28e01 Episode Script

1 - (LAUGHING) - (EXCLAIMING) - (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - (BARNEY BELCHES) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (YELLS) (PLAYING MELODIC HARP) D'oh! (TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS) (WIND WHISTLING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (MILHOUSE GRUNTING) (BIRD SQUAWKING) (SELMA AND PATTY GRUNT) Ow.
(SQUAWKING) (HOMER YELLING, GRUNTING) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (WIND GUSTS, EXPLOSION) Hola.
Simpsons Time - Run, don't walk - (SNIFFING) You might even hear Maggie talk Bart the Boy and a dog named Homer And jokes written on signs - It's Simpsons Time.
- Yay! (HOMER GRUNTS, YELLS) What a beautiful day for a family stroll.
Tell that to my aching back! (GROANS) It's not a family stroll Homer forgot where he parked his car last night, and now we have to find it.
What a beautiful day to be in denial.
Yeah, Bart.
Who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing people are staring up at the sky in terror? (SIMPSONS SHRIEK) Do you see it, Lisa? There's nothing there.
And that's where Lard Lad used to be! Oh, looks like we better file a report with the Bureau of Missing Statues.
Yeah.
Be like that time that Rodin statue got stolen.
What was the name of that statue again? Eh Ah, let me think.
Um Thinkin'.
Yeah, still thinkin'.
Still thinkin'.
Uh, either we can fan out and search, or bunch up and riot.
Oh, balderdash and poppycock.
I say we do not riot.
ALL: Riot! ALL: Don't! Riot! Don't! Riot! (ALL YELLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (GRUNTS) And thanks to the equal number of nonrioters, the total cost of the damage is zero dollars.
Homer, were you in that riot? Marge, please.
I'm a leader in this community.
BROCKMAN: In response to the outcry, - (ALARM RINGING) - Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue.
" Ooh, rebranding.
That just means admitting failure, Dad.
Ooh, admitting failure.
People of Springfield, please welcome Mr.
I know I'm gonna mangle this Lee Fong.
Uh, actually, it's pronounced Robert Chan.
(MOANS) And now, please welcome the model for the original Lard Lad, Mr.
Laird Lad.
A lot of crazy names today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lard Lad's bold, focus-grouped, new look! (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) (STATUE SQUEAKING) That doesn't say donuts! That says management overthink! The Thinker! That statue's called The Thinker.
(LAUGHS) What? What are we on now? What? People, let's give the new statue a chance.
When the Eiffel Tower was first built, many said it was a steel monstrosity.
It still is.
Fine, but maybe this will grow on you.
Aw, this thing sucks.
I don't think so.
(OVERLAPPING DISAPPROVAL) Well, at-at-at a certain angle It's beautiful.
- We love it.
- That's beautiful.
(ALL CHEER) (WIND WHISTLING) You fools! You've erected a massive concave reflective surface.
It will focus the sun's beam in a deadly ray.
(PEOPLE SCREAM) (GROWLS) - Yeah! - Yeah! (ALL GROAN) (ALL GASP) - Oh.
- Uh.
Hey! (GROANS) (GUN HAMMER CLICKS) QUIMBY: First off, I'd like to thank the good people at Tianjin Smelting and Mining and Donuts and Tarps for neutralizing our wonderful, deadly, new Lard Lad.
Yeah, that's great.
They'll grow back.
The time for mourning and blaming our mayors hasassed.
We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
ALL: We will rebuild.
We will rebuild! We will rebuild! (STRAINED): We will rebuild.
We will rebuild.
I guess there's only one man we can turn to.
Supergirl?! (OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS) So you'd like me to save the town.
Well, you've got gumption, I'll give you that.
(LAUGHING): And such an adorable baby, it really restores my my faith in in the, uh Smithers, where is the damn trapdoor button? Mr.
Burns, you already trap-doored us from your upstairs office.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
And how was your fall? Painful? Unexpected? - Oh, yeah.
- Worst I've ever had.
- Oh! Really - Really - Pulled something.
- Totally painful.
Did not see it coming.
(CHUCKLES) Excellent.
So remind me what I was saying no to.
Funding repairs to the town.
But if you could do even one little project.
Reducking the duck pond or fixing up the Springfield Bowl.
The Springfield Bowl.
Very well.
I will rebuild this town on one condition.
Forget it.
Our desperate plea is nonnegotiable.
I want to put on a variety show at the Bowl.
A celebration of everything wonderful about um, what's the name of this town again? Springfield, sir.
Yes, I will destroy Springfield.
Celebrate, sir.
Springfield has risen from the ashes like a phoenix.
That's phoenix, the mythical bird, not Phoenix, the cultureless, Mars-scape of the Southwest.
(CHUCKLES) Our unlikely angel, the devil himself, C.
Montgomery Burns.
Thank you, Kent.
(GROANS) And don't forget the open auditions for my Springfield Follies.
This year women may audition, too, with permission of husband, father and pastor in writing.
BURNS: Next.
(CAT YOWLS) - (GENTLE MELODY PLAYS ON PIANO) - (CLEARS THROAT) (COUGHS) (BEAUTIFUL SOPRANO VOICE): Un bel di, vedremo Levarsi un fil di fumo Puccini's a little well-trod, don't you think? (YELLS INCOHERENTLY) This isn't right.
This isn't how it was at all.
I remember that night so vividly.
Monty, time to go on stage.
Yes, Mama.
Your little butterscotch drop won't let you down.
Aw, who's candy? You's candy.
Oh, I'm gonna lick you, my sweet little lolly.
Who likes Mommy's licks? Monty likes Mommy's licks.
Lickity, lickity, lick.
(LAUGHING): Oh, oh, oh.
- (GIGGLING) - Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh.
Oh, ho, ho.
But the butterscotch soon turned to bitter squelch.
I want everything just as it was back then.
The stage filled with children like those from 1913.
High-spirited, snaggletoothed, and willing to work 18 hours a day.
SKINNER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention.
An old man is prowling the school, looking for young children.
Please, perform for him.
Watch me make this nerd disappear.
(GRUNTS) Ta-da! Also, haw-haw! Excellent villain.
And my cast is complete.
I'll just save the list and (GROANS) Samson himself could not pry open these jaws.
Can I help you, sir? Oh, women aren't meant for clasp opening.
Young lady, if there's one thing I know about show business, it's that there are a lot of clipboards.
How would you like to be my assistant director? Hmm.
And I'll be perfectly positioned to find out exactly what Mr.
Burns is really up to.
I'm in.
And if you need another act, I also play this.
There's no room in my show for Adolphe Sax's vile-sounding o-phone.
Do you ever say anything in a simple way? Shut up.
Well, that was clear.
(BIRD CAWS) Hey, Homer, are you sure we haven't let the plant slip with Mr.
Burns gone? Smitty, as a wise, old man once said, "Out with the old and in with the brew.
" (SLURPING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (ALARM BUZZING) (BUZZING ENDS) (HUMS) (VOCALIZING) That's enough.
But I haven't started my act.
Muntz, what have you got? A rabbit in a bag.
Ooh, a promising magic trick.
No, it's my lunch.
Bah! You're all incompetent.
I won't go through this a second time.
Second time? Is there something you're not telling us? A vast amount.
And what part of "What I've never told you" don't you understand? (LAUGHTER) Mother, what is that sound they're making? Well, it's called laughter.
You're a laughingstock, Charles.
(WHIMPERING): Oh, oh, it's awful.
This show isn't good enough.
No show could be good enough.
(MUFFLED): It's not? (BIRD CHIRPING) (LIQUID POURING) (CHEERFUL SCATTING) What are you doing? Da-da-do-doo! Getting ready for Monday.
I'm gonna fill a Super Soaker full of lemonade, Carl's gonna fill one with iced tea, and we're gonna Arnold Palmer Lenny when he walks in.
(LAUGHING) Arnold Palmer Lenny.
You're going to Arnold Palmer Lenny.
Yeah, you see, Arnold Palmer was a golfer and he made up this drink where it's not a full glass of lemonade or a full glass of iced tea.
Instead Homie, I'm worried about all this silliness at work.
You're the safety inspector.
I'm a safety inspector.
Not the.
I've never seen another.
What wait, one safety inspector? For the whole nuclear plant? That's insane.
(GIGGLES) Put everything in the car and get out of town.
I'll find you, if there are still roads! Sweetie, sweetie, all you've got to do is be responsible.
Your friends consider you the leader because you're a little taller.
Hmm.
Wow.
Wow! With above-average height comes above-average responsibility.
Marge, thank you for setting me straight.
You're welcome.
Okay, I want to open this show with someone being shot into a cannon.
(LAUGHS) You're joking, right? Well, because, see, that's impossible.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (SPUTTERS) Gah! Oh.
Everyone, little miss nitpick hates the show, so I'm shutting it down.
("SABRE DANCE" BY ARAM KHACHATURIAN PLAYS) This was an act.
Now it's just bullying.
(LIGHTS SHATTER ON THE GROUND) (BELLOWS) Thanks a lot, Lisa.
We were getting out of school for this.
(SHOES TAPPING) (DOORBELL RINGS) Well if isn't the little girl that made a billionaire cry.
May I please speak with Mr.
Burns? No, he's very busy.
Won't you please come back and do the show? Shan't.
(BIKE BELL RINGING) Oh, that bell has quite the recoil.
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING) Oh, what is bothering him? And what were those weird lines around his eyes? I know.
It's such a tragedy on that beautiful face.
Come here.
Well, there's only one explanation for those lines, Lisa.
He's been watching something on the Mutoscope.
So, if I play this, I'll know the answer.
Mm-hmm.
It, uh, costs a nickel.
(COIN DROPS INTO SLOT) (FILM WINDING AND SPUTTERING) (LISA GASPS) (FILM CONTINUES SPUTTERING) So this is what made Mr.
Burns the monster he is.
(GIGGLES) BURNS: Within days half of America was cranking to my bottom.
I think you're trying to make up for what happened to you then by putting on a perfect Bowl show now.
(SCOFFS) Spare me you amateur psychology.
"Ooh, I saw my father decapitated by a grain harvester "and now I can't enjoy wheat.
Boohoo.
" Mr.
Burns, I want you to listen to that crowd.
(FILM WINDING AND SPUTTERING) Do you really want to let those happy, joyous people win? (FILM CONTINUES WINDING AND SPUTTERING) (INFLATE, THEN POP) Smithers, locate my dickey.
We've got a show to do.
I was gonna clean my room - (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) - Until I got high Ooh, ooh - I was gonna get up and find the broom - (LENNY GRUNTING) - (PHONE RINGS, THEN RECORD SCRATCH) - But then Springfield Nuclear.
Yes, yes, sir, I'll alert the workers that the pizzas are here! (CHEERING, PARTY MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, yeah, here he comes.
The life of this party! Who wants to get back to work? - (RECORD SCRATCH, MUSIC STOPS) - MAN: What? (BALLOONS SQUEAK) We are a public trust.
We bring power to people's homes.
Lightbulbs, toasters, and that's all I can think of.
Now let's buckle down! Okay, Homer, just let us get our microwave popcorn out of the core.
You're only supposed to do that when we're watching a movie in the core.
(RAPID POPPING, THEN EXPLOSION) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (RAGTIME PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) (POP, THEN SQUIRT, WINDSHIELD WIPERS THUMPING) (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Thank you, thank you.
Well, that's the easiest time anyone's had parking at the Springfield Bowl.
(LAUGHTER) - Don't you laugh at me! - (LAUGHTER DIES DOWN) Now, enjoy the show.
God always liked you best.
No, God loves everyone equally.
That's wonderful news.
(CHUCKLES) Enough of your tomfoolery, Todd.
Let's sing.
BOTH: Michael, row your boat ashore Hallelujah Michael, row your boat ashore Hallelu Say, Sockie, who was that lady I saw you with last night? (HIGH-PITCHED): That was no lady.
That was your mother.
(NORMAL VOICE): Oh, she'll date anyone.
Why won't she give me a stable home? (HIGH-PITCHED): Haw-haw! (BELLS RINGING MELODICALLY) (BELLS STOP, XYLOPHONE PLAYS) (DRUMROLL, HATCH CREAKS) (CYMBAL CRASH, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Um, this is just a simple twins trick.
They pulled the other twin out of the tank behind the curtain.
(APPLAUSE) (FIREWORKS EXPLODING, AUDIENCE CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Wait, that wasn't part of the show.
(SCREAMING) No.
No, it's not fair! I was good! Arnold.
- Palmer! - (GRUNTING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) Fantastic.
What a finale, eh, Mr.
Burns? Childhood trauma cured, huh, huh? That wasn't the finale.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Maestro, "Golden Slippers," if you please.
Ooh, boy.
(SHUDDERS) We can't let him make a fool of himself again.
No, no, Mr.
Burns needs to do this.
Oh, dem golden slippers Oh, dem gold (STAMMERS) Ow, the burn.
Ooh! Mr.
Burns can't take the impact of that many photons.
Those light-shining fools! (MUTTERING) Ow! Ah! (LAUGHTER) Oh, for a murder of crows to pluck out mine eyes! You.
This show was your fault.
Well, you'd better know this, mister.
This town has my back.
And hey.
Where did they go? How did 15,000 people leave so fast? Um hey! Want to see me do a cartwheel? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, THEN GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Always had trouble with those.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
At my age, I can't stay anything at anybody.
Oh, and you know what? The laughter in my head is gone.
Go ahead, blow your German kazoo.
Yes, sir! (PLAYING "GOLDEN SLIPPERS") Smithers, tap my foot for me.
With impatience.
Now, lift my arm so I can check my watch.
Oh, you really should start doing some of these things yourself.
- (SLURPS) - Dad, why do Simpsons always fail? Oh, sweetie pie, it's a terrible curse that goes back centuries.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) No, no! Don't answer that.
MAN: We just need a place to stay for the night.
Oh, shouldn't we help them? Hey, in Zero BC, you can't trust anybody.
Curse them, Mary! You curse them, my water just broke! Please? (GOOFY SPRING SOUND) (LASER SOUND, THEN EXPLOSION) You're telling me that really happened? They looked just like us, didn't they? (RAGTIME BAND PLAYS) Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks! Shh!