Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e02 Episode Script
Ella Eyre, Harrison Koisser, Stacey Solomon and Seann Walsh
1 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, hello, hello.
Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I'm your new regular host, Rhod Gilbert.
But that's enough about me, let's meet the guests.
On Phill's team tonight She's a 20-year-old singer who describes herself as being feline - don't worry, we've left a box of sand under the desk in case she needs a dump - it's Ella Eyre! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And a lady who came last on Celebrity Mastermind.
She didn't get off to good start - John Humphrys asked her if she'd like to take a seat, and she passed.
It's Stacey Solomon! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And on Noel's team He's the 23-year-old frontman of indie band Peace.
If you heard them once and didn't like them, all I'm saying is give Peace a chance.
- LAUGHTER - It's Harry Koisser! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian so lazy he left school with one GCSE in drama.
If you're looking for someone to play a dead tree, he's your man, it's Seann Walsh! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I have got some facts about you all.
I read somewhere that you have a party before a gig, I didn't quite get to the bottom of that when I read that.
We met at a party.
It was such a good party I had to ask you where we were.
Noel, that is not a reflection on the party.
I heard about this party, you have a party trick where you play the guitar round the back of your head.
It is like the worst thing that you can do is be that guy at the party who gets the acoustic guitar out Yeah, it's terrible.
Terrible, that.
Come on.
- Can you really play it behind your head? - Yeah.
Woah, woah, woah, it's happening, it's happening.
HE PLAYS: Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers - Deal with that.
- Wow! APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen! I'll give you a point.
Watch this! BONGOS PLAY You look like you're doing something else.
I like that, do it again, do it again! You can have a go on my bongos.
- Where is this going? - Where ISN'T it going? I tell you where it's going, watch this.
BONGOS PLAY Hands a bit lower, Noel, hands a bit lower.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Enough of that.
So, another week, another brand-new round.
This round is called It Wasn't Me.
But she caught me on the counter RHOD: It wasn't me.
Saw me banging on the sofa It wasn't me.
Even had her in the shower It wasn't me! This round is all about excuses.
Did Calvin Harris have it off with a Kenwood Magimix and blame his new contact lenses? Did Madonna let one go in Elton John's Ford Focus and blame it on his dog? It's your job to identify the lame excuse each of our artists gave for their shocking behaviour.
Phill, Ella and Stacey, you're up.
# Tell somebody in your town # Spread the word, spread the word # Go call the police # Go call the governor I bring the trouble It's my fourth favourite Spears after harpoons, asparagus and William Shakes, it's Britney! That was Britney with Work Bitch.
What did old Britney claim was the reason for her egregious behaviour? In case you missed this particular event, this is 2007 when Britney shaved her head and gave a car a good seeing-to with a brolly.
Was the rain in the car? LAUGHTER You know like in old silent films where you open an umbrella and they show it's really windy and the hair flies off? Maybe that's what happened.
Do you want some help? Shall I give you some options? - That might be nice.
- All right.
Did Britney say, "I genuinely thought it was my car, "I couldn't work out why my key wasn't working, "I had to break in," or was it, "I was preparing for a role in a movie.
"I take all my movie roles very seriously "and I got a little carried away," or, did she say, "There was a single man parked "in a mother and child bay without a badge and I just lost it.
"I'm sorry, I just saw red.
"? - That'd make me break someone's car with an umbrella.
- Would it? Seriously, they're always the ones with no kids parking in kids spaces and I'm dragging mine along trying to get to the shops.
- I park in those spaces.
- If I had an umbrella handy Oh, my God! Why?! Sorry.
It's cos it's closer to the shop.
- LAUGHTER - What about me and my kids?! Here we go again! Where's the umbrella?! You must park in those spaces.
He's got a disabled badge, he's fine.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's a lady in glasses! You can't say that is a disabled badge cos she's wearing glasses! Harry just said he doesn't even go to the shops.
- Well, not supermarkets.
- Where do you shop? I just kind of eat at Pizza Express.
You eat at Pizza Express? I don't know, I don't get like shopping in and stuff.
Because I don't really I don't really have a house.
You don't go to the shops, you haven't got a house - - what's next?! - I just stay with friends.
- He's like a cat, he just comes round.
- He does! Washes his arse in the kitchen.
Earlier, on the way here I was hungry and I was thinking, "What shall I eat when I get there?" And I thought, "I'll eat with Noel.
" Then I thought, "I wonder what Noel's eating?" And I couldn't imagine you eating.
The only thing I could picture you eating was a disco ball.
LAUGHTER I know what you mean, it is disappointing when you see Noel eating.
He was eating sausage, mash and peas out of a polystyrene container earlier.
- No! That ruins it! - It shatters the illusion.
Two things I can't stand are food and time.
Time as in? Yes, the concept of time.
I've blown Rhod's mind.
You know when they invented time and went, "Right, it's seven o'clock" - They didn't invent time, Noel! - What do you mean?! - Nobody invented time! - Of course they did, it's a construct! - They didn't invent time, it's always been there! - What?! He wasn't expecting this when he took the job on! - Wait, Ella's come up with an answer.
- It's to do with the sun.
Well, that's such a vague comeback.
How does it work, time, Ella? Obviously, there's night time and daytime.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE What do you think, preparing for a movie role? No, it's got to be the child one.
What do you think, then? I think it's the baby and mum one, based on how you reacted.
That seems a plausible excuse.
I can tell you if you are going for the mother and toddler without a badge, it is wrong! Well, we weren't going with that, so That's what she said, "I was preparing for a role in a movie, "I take all my roles very seriously and I got a little carried away.
- That was the right answer, that is what she said.
- Crazy.
Britney Spears is currently eight months into a two-year residency at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas.
The boss says if she can just stop crying and forgetting the food orders she'll make the grade in no time.
Here's one for Noel's team.
# Take me down to the paradise city # Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty # Oh, won't you please take me home Take me down to the paradise city It's the headwear enthusiasts of late '80s rock who were going to be called Catapults and Terry's Chocolate Orange, it's Guns N' Roses.
That was Guns N' Roses with Paradise City.
In August of 1989, guitarist and founding member Izzy Stradling was on a flight to LA.
Sometime before leaving, Izzy Stradling whipped out Izzy Jr - I'm sorry about this - he urinated on the floor of the plane.
He was subsequently thrown off the flight, but how did his publicist excuse this shocking lapse in his normally exemplary behaviour? Where's the weirdest place you've ever weed? I'm not going to say who, but a member of my band Hang on, Harry, you said you're not going to say - it was Doug.
LAUGHTER He urinated over the DJ booth into the audience.
Oh! Sorry, that was a different story, it says here you were coming out of the shower, you fell over and Doug the guitarist pissed all over you.
No, that happened as well, yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow.
I'm so sorry, Doug, I'm so sorry.
NOEL: Doug pissed on you?! I was on the phone in the shower There's so much wrong with this story so far! Was the shower on? Yes.
How was your phone working? No, it was the phone from theroom.
What?! You were on a landline?! And then, as I got out, I slipped over and then naturally he thought, erm "Yeah, I'm going to urinate on him.
" This was after a long night, this wasn't like, I don't know It's not a morning thing.
I mean, you haven't got a house, you don't go shopping.
You make me feel like Richard Branson.
I'm going to go home and take a long, hard look in the mirror.
Oh, so you have got a home! Boom! He had a wee on a flight.
Let's cast your mind back.
Izzy Stradlin.
He's on a flight.
Did his publicist say, "It was just his way of expressing himself"? "One of the passengers asked him to do it"? Or did his publicists say, "he was trying to do it in a bottle and turbulence struck"? At least the last one sounds like an excuse.
Seann, before you carry on with this thought, I'm getting you and Ella very mixed up.
Just to differentiate you, can you just pop this on? It's the hair.
I'm getting very confused.
It'll make it easier for me.
Is this right, Noel? Help.
- That is better.
- He looks quite good.
It's quite good, I think.
STACEY: Shakespeare! That's who you look like.
LAUGHTER Come on, I'm going to have to press you for an answer.
I think it's artistic.
Cos he's like a rock star.
He's not going to be like, "there was a legitimate excuse.
" He's going to be like, "Yeah, I did it because it means something.
" You're absolutely right - it was just his way of expressing himself.
APPLAUSE - Wow! - Absolutely right.
Stradlin's publicist claimed he was "just trying to express himself".
After the incident, he had to write a letter of apology to the flight crew.
Absolutely true, and he was sent home to his mum's for a stint in rehab.
One shocked onlooker commented, "I couldn't believe my eyes.
"I pointed and said to my wife, 'Is he piddling?' "She said, 'no Izzy Straddling'.
" Hey, it's just a bit of fun, ladies and gentlemen, just a bit of fun.
NOEL: I like that.
At the end of that round CONGAS PLAY Phill's team have nothing and Noel's team have one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now for the round that ironically needs no introduction - it's the Intros Round.
Phill, Ella, Stacey - here are yours.
Check those out.
- STACEY: I'm so sorry, guys, I'm terrible at this.
- Oh! I never get it.
My ear doesn't hear it.
I like how you blamed your ear, like it wasn't part of you.
Phill: OK? One, two, three, four BOTH: # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a Ding dig-a-ding dig-a # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a Ding dig-a-ding dig-a # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a Ding dig-a-ding dig-a # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a - # Dow-dow-dow-dow-dow - Ching ching ching ching - # Dow-dow-dow, dow-dow-dow - Ching ching ching ching.
# - Stacey, can I just interrupt this? - Yep.
- Do you know what's happening? - I do.
I was concentrating here - That's good! And then I thought, if I can look this way, I might be able to lip read them talking about what they think it is.
That is a very good strategy.
I'm short-sighted, so it didn't work.
LAUGHTER - So let me just check this out, your ears don't work, and you're short-sighted? - No, I'm a mute(!) LAUGHTER Why don't you stand up and feel them for vibrations while they do it? - That's what I should do.
- Yeah, feel them for vibrations.
OK.
Will I get sued? Depends where you feel them.
- Stacey, do you want a clue? - Yes, please.
It's big and red and it hangs out by the river.
- It? - It.
You know that clown who's always in the drains.
LAUGHTER - It's always in the drains! - Wow! I hate you all! - Oh, It, the film? - Yes! - Let's just see if you're right.
Is it It by Stephen King? APPLAUSE That was a really bad clue, then.
It wasn't a really bad clue.
It was a really bad answer.
You know, what's quite weird, I was going to wear this dress, - obviously, with a scary clown's face on it.
- Dress? A dress?! Again, the scary clown face was the important bit of that.
- You homed in on "dress".
- You were going to wear a dress?! With a clown's face on it, that looked like that clown.
You've already got long hair and you were going to wear a dress? - Still not getting the - Imagine! - What I'm saying is - You are It.
LAUGHTER - Yeah.
- I'll pass it over.
- No! I think we all know it, don't we? What's your problem? You could have told me? I tried to mouth it to you about 20 times but you're short-sighted.
With the smallest cat bum mouth I've ever seen.
LAUGHTER Just cos you're short-sighted, you can't start having a go at my bum mouth.
Noel's team? Waterloo Sunset.
Waterloo Sunset by The Kinks, and here's how it should have sounded.
INTRO PLAYS STACEY: Sorry.
Dirty old river APPLAUSE CHEERING - I'm just terrified.
- Are you? It is a bit frightening, isn't it? - It's creepy.
The most frightening thing is the nose.
And the place it's positioned.
I feel like I should be able to do that thing where it goes - Do you want your next one? - What is it? If you remember, we're in the Intros Round.
Let's have your next one then, please.
One, two, three BOTH: # Dun dun dun dun dun dun - # Ba-da ba-da ba-da ba-da baaa - Dun dun dun dun dun dun - # Ba-da ba-da ba-da ba-da baaa - Dun dun dun dun dun dun - # Ba-da ba-da ba-da ba-da baaa - Dun dun dun dun dun dun BOTH: # Ba-da da da da dah! # Our house In the middle.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on! Yeah! RHOD SINGS Feelin' hot hot hot! Four shows! Four shows! Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, what a moment! What a moment! What a moment.
What a Yes! I'll tell you whose house it WASN'T.
That was like that moment when on "finally" on the news when you see a dog with a broken leg jump over a little gate.
Oh, yes! - I'm the dog? - No, you're the gate, Stacey(!) This is Madness, Our House.
This is how it should have sounded.
INTRO PLAYS STACEY: # Mother wears her Sunday best.
# Father wears his Sunday best APPLAUSE We also heard The Kinks with Waterloo Sunset.
In 2004, Ray Davies was shot in the leg whilst on holiday in New Orleans, but he had the last laugh, leaving a damning two-star review on Trip Advisor.
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
There's a It's gone.
NOEL: He's with me, let it go.
- I trapped a spider for three weeks and I let it go today.
- You what? - That's a hostage, that's not a spider.
- Wow.
And I was so scared that I just put it under a cup, and then I just went on tour.
And I came back - How long did you go on tour for? - For three weeks.
- Let me guess the end of this story.
It was dead.
- No, it was alive! That's the thing, I moved the cup, and he He freaked out.
He freaked out.
He was like, "Oh! Oh!" He's doing a press conference right now going, "It's just so good to see my wife again.
" In Australia I trapped a spider under a It was so big.
The first time I ever went to Australia on tour.
It was this big already, and then I thought, I can't use a cup cos it's too big, so I got, like, a mixing bowl, but it was sort of a magnifying mixing bowl, so when I put it on the top, it just went WHOOSH! About that big.
And the concierge of the hotel, I went, "This is not poisonous, is it?" And he went, "Aaaargh!" And just ran out, right? Then I was like, it is poisonous.
This is On my life, I let it go, and it didn't go into, like, the bushes or the undergrowth, it went down the sidewalk and then crossed, like, a zebra crossing.
LAUGHTER Almost hailing a taxi.
- OK, Noel and Harry.
- Yes.
- Here are your intros for Seann, please.
Take it away.
- You look like a Like - Oh, here we go.
What's happening now? You're like a stay-at-home wife in your dress, in your apron.
"Could you pipe down, please? I've had a long day, I've been doing the washing up and the kids are tired.
" He looks like a stay-at-home wife in The Nightmare Before Christmas.
That's about it.
I'm not sure I fancy you as a domestic - Wife? - Wife.
But you're undecided though, aren't you? Right.
This is going to help.
- # Da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da - DUM-cha-cha, DUM-cha-cha - # Da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da - DUM-cha-cha, DUM-cha-cha # Da-da, da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da da-da-da, da-da-da - # DUM-cha-cha, DUM-cha-cha.
# - No words are happening! NOEL AND HARRISON CONTINUE In In the MUTTERING: Summer Summertime.
Is that the name of the song? In The Summertime The Weather Is Hot? I'm going to give it to you, it's In The Summertime, Mungo Jerry.
- Yeah, give it to me! - And it should have sounded INTRO PLAYS NOEL: Nailed it.
ELLA: Who was doing that - "DUM"? Mummy nailed it! In the summertime Let's have your last one, please.
# Duh, duh, duh, duh-duh Duh, duh, duh Rar! It looks you're using an iPad.
# Duh, duh, duh, duh-duh Duh, duh, duh Rar! Rar! - Mummy's barking.
- Oh! THEY CONTINUE INTRO I feel like I'm at Glastonbury, I've lost my mates and I'm sat at a tent with some weirdos at about four in the morning.
I got it.
Is it Don't Forget To Lock Me by The Backdoors? LAUGHTER I've handed it over, yes.
The rules of this game are very strict.
Stacey? Hang on, Ella.
Oh, no! I actually have it in my head! Is there any way of getting it out through the front? - STACEY: Is that a Dr Dre groove? - Yes! - Dr Dre SEANN RAPS AS EMINEM: # Nowadays everybody want to talk # Like they got something to say But nothing comes out # When they move their lips Just a bunch of gibberish # Blah-blah-blah They gone and forgot about Dre APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - HE STAMMERS - You only got it because - Stacey Solomon said Dr Dre.
- The point goes to you.
- Oh, thank you so much! - Oh, my God! - We tried really hard.
- This - Unbelievable! - This Mummy does all the hard work, Daddy dishes out the points.
It was Forgot About Dre.
Dr Dre featuring Eminem.
Let's have a listen to what it should have sounded like.
- INTRO PLAYS - Dog? - STACEY: Woof! Y'all know me We also heard Mungo Jerry, In The Summertime.
Mungo Jerry wrote Feels Like I'm In Love for Elvis, but after Elvis died it was eventually recorded by Kelly Marie.
It's like writing a speech for Martin Luther King and then hearing Joe Pasquale do it on Celebrity Squares.
Ladies and gentlemen, round three is the Identity Parade.
Phill's team, how about some Five Star? For the audience only, here is Five Star with System Addict.
# System addict - # I never can get enough - System addict - # System addict - System addict Never can give it up That was Five Star with System Addict, but which of our line-up is band member Stedman Pearson? Is it number one - Stedman.
Number Two - Deadman.
Number Three - Wo-man.
Number Four - Claudia Winkleman Or Number Five - Etch-a-sketch? LAUGHTER If you shake him, will those tattoos disappear? Phill, I know you're on the other team, but I can help you out.
- I know it's not number four cos I went to school with him.
- LAUGHTER - No! Seriously? - Yeah.
We used to get on the 94 bus to school, do you remember? And talk about wrestling.
Don't nod! Don't nod! APPLAUSE Good to see you! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH So weird! Do we not get to see, like, them in action? Right, OK, look.
We never, ever see them before.
That's the way that the game works.
Aside from here, because Stedman's number two.
OK.
But we have seen them before, Seann saw number four on the 94 bus.
PHILL SHOUTS: It's number two because I recognise him! I didn't go to school with him.
But it's number two.
- Phill, playing the game old school.
- ELLA: We're going for number two.
Let's see if you're right.
Is it number two? Let's have a look.
Stedman, please for Christ's sake step forward, one of you.
One of you step forward, I don't give a shit who it is.
One of you step forward! Right, that's it, I'm just going to push one of you.
- I'm just going to push somebody out, I don't care.
I don't - CHEERING How you doing, Stedman? I've got in my notes that you used to be a bricklayer, amongst many, many, many other things you've done.
It's just that I've got some pointing work - See that? That is my I've got the upper flat in there.
- Yeah.
I've been told that needs re-pointing.
- I'd say closer to the roof maybe.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Did you do this? Why, is it shoddy? Um Well, it's not neat, is it, really? LAUGHTER It's true, it's not.
- Seems OK.
- It seems OK? - Yeah.
- See? This is what I was bloody afraid of.
I've been told it needed re-pointing, but I don't think it does at all.
You used to be a builder, what are you up to now? - On tour with Five Star hopefully next year.
- It's all still happening.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Stedman Pearson.
- Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Stedman Pearson, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
Give it up for Stedman Pearson! Now, Noel, Harry and Seann, straight out of Walthamstow.
For the audience only, here are East 17 performing Stay Another Day.
# Oh, don't leave me alone like this # Don't you say it's the final kiss Won't you stay another day? That was East 17 with Stay Another Day but which of our line-up is band member John Hendy? Is it number one, John Hendy? Is it number two, John Candy? Is it number three .
.
Ted Bundy? Is it number four, hand shandy? Is it number five, a man up a ladder, let's call him Andy? They look like the drug dealers at the North Pole.
You turn up and like, "Do you want a lollipop? "Do you want a lollipop? You want an icicle? What do you want? "I'll get it for you.
I get you some snow.
Come at me, come with me.
" I like the trousers.
Very Empire Strikes Back.
- Oh, yeah! - Number two has got something in for lazy Susans.
Wait for him to come round.
He's furious.
Watch him now.
Look at that miserable prick! If they got off that now, would they all fall over? One of them was laughing but I can't remember which one.
Sometimes the one who's laughing isn't the one we're looking for.
- I think I'll let you choose.
- Harry, what are you going to go for? - You've got a magic about you.
Go on.
- Four.
- You're going for four.
Would the real one please step forward? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Who'd have thought it! You are right.
- John, what are you up to? - Spinning around.
LAUGHTER Listen, I hear that you're a roofer.
- That's right.
- Well, listen Genuinely, I've got this flat, and the guys who put the floor on there, you'll see that with the neighbours They've done a perfectly good job except that, recently See that's the neighbours' one there.
Should there be something joining? See where the Down the middle of the neighbours' flat, should there be something - joining that? - There should be a valley going down.
That's what I thought.
Why have they done it without a valley? - Because they're not very good.
- Can you? Literally, can you pop round and give me an estimate? I'm a bit busy doing shows but I can send a couple of boys round - to sort it out.
- Yeah? - Give you a good price.
- Brilliant.
Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Wonderful.
John Hendy, now a roofer.
CHEERING Now a roofer, ladies and gentlemen, John Hendy.
CHEERING BONGOS PLAY I know what you're thinking, can he do it one-handed? No.
Phill's team have three and Noel's team have three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So we end the show as usual with our quick-fire round, Next Lines.
Each week I'm going to give you a theme.
This week it's songs about the weather.
Phill, you get rain.
Noel, you get sunshine.
Phill's team, you go first.
OK, go, your time starts now.
Now that it's raining more than ever Now that we'll still have each other.
Bang on.
Umbrella by Rihanna.
Thunder only happens when it's raining # Thesomething Only love you when they're playing.
- Absolutely right.
Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
- NOEL: We knew that.
Hang on a minute.
Name the famous artist, name the artist.
STACEY: Dale! Dale Winton! Name the artist! Name the artist! 1970s, New York, Andy Warhol.
Lou Reed.
Yes, Lou Reed is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Noel's team, you need four points to win.
Your time starts now.
We don't believe in time.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yeah! Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone Look, we've sucked him in.
We've sucked him in.
- It's not warm when she's away.
- It's not warm! Ain't No Sunshine, Bill Withers.
In the summertime when the weather is hot You can sleep outside or live in a drain.
You can stretch right up and touch the sky.
Ah.
You can't, though, can you? Summertime And the living is easy.
HE RAPS: Summertime and the living is easy Summertime and the living is easy.
- Yeah! - Check it, check it, check it, check it.
Give it up to the beat.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We won! We did it! I don't think it's harsh to say you wasted your own time there.
Noel's team have three, but Phill's team are tonight's winners with a whopping six.
CHEERING So that's it.
Thanks to Phill, Ella and Stacey, Noel, Harry and Seann.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Rhod Gilbert.
Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I'm your new regular host, Rhod Gilbert.
But that's enough about me, let's meet the guests.
On Phill's team tonight She's a 20-year-old singer who describes herself as being feline - don't worry, we've left a box of sand under the desk in case she needs a dump - it's Ella Eyre! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And a lady who came last on Celebrity Mastermind.
She didn't get off to good start - John Humphrys asked her if she'd like to take a seat, and she passed.
It's Stacey Solomon! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And on Noel's team He's the 23-year-old frontman of indie band Peace.
If you heard them once and didn't like them, all I'm saying is give Peace a chance.
- LAUGHTER - It's Harry Koisser! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian so lazy he left school with one GCSE in drama.
If you're looking for someone to play a dead tree, he's your man, it's Seann Walsh! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I have got some facts about you all.
I read somewhere that you have a party before a gig, I didn't quite get to the bottom of that when I read that.
We met at a party.
It was such a good party I had to ask you where we were.
Noel, that is not a reflection on the party.
I heard about this party, you have a party trick where you play the guitar round the back of your head.
It is like the worst thing that you can do is be that guy at the party who gets the acoustic guitar out Yeah, it's terrible.
Terrible, that.
Come on.
- Can you really play it behind your head? - Yeah.
Woah, woah, woah, it's happening, it's happening.
HE PLAYS: Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers - Deal with that.
- Wow! APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen! I'll give you a point.
Watch this! BONGOS PLAY You look like you're doing something else.
I like that, do it again, do it again! You can have a go on my bongos.
- Where is this going? - Where ISN'T it going? I tell you where it's going, watch this.
BONGOS PLAY Hands a bit lower, Noel, hands a bit lower.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Enough of that.
So, another week, another brand-new round.
This round is called It Wasn't Me.
But she caught me on the counter RHOD: It wasn't me.
Saw me banging on the sofa It wasn't me.
Even had her in the shower It wasn't me! This round is all about excuses.
Did Calvin Harris have it off with a Kenwood Magimix and blame his new contact lenses? Did Madonna let one go in Elton John's Ford Focus and blame it on his dog? It's your job to identify the lame excuse each of our artists gave for their shocking behaviour.
Phill, Ella and Stacey, you're up.
# Tell somebody in your town # Spread the word, spread the word # Go call the police # Go call the governor I bring the trouble It's my fourth favourite Spears after harpoons, asparagus and William Shakes, it's Britney! That was Britney with Work Bitch.
What did old Britney claim was the reason for her egregious behaviour? In case you missed this particular event, this is 2007 when Britney shaved her head and gave a car a good seeing-to with a brolly.
Was the rain in the car? LAUGHTER You know like in old silent films where you open an umbrella and they show it's really windy and the hair flies off? Maybe that's what happened.
Do you want some help? Shall I give you some options? - That might be nice.
- All right.
Did Britney say, "I genuinely thought it was my car, "I couldn't work out why my key wasn't working, "I had to break in," or was it, "I was preparing for a role in a movie.
"I take all my movie roles very seriously "and I got a little carried away," or, did she say, "There was a single man parked "in a mother and child bay without a badge and I just lost it.
"I'm sorry, I just saw red.
"? - That'd make me break someone's car with an umbrella.
- Would it? Seriously, they're always the ones with no kids parking in kids spaces and I'm dragging mine along trying to get to the shops.
- I park in those spaces.
- If I had an umbrella handy Oh, my God! Why?! Sorry.
It's cos it's closer to the shop.
- LAUGHTER - What about me and my kids?! Here we go again! Where's the umbrella?! You must park in those spaces.
He's got a disabled badge, he's fine.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's a lady in glasses! You can't say that is a disabled badge cos she's wearing glasses! Harry just said he doesn't even go to the shops.
- Well, not supermarkets.
- Where do you shop? I just kind of eat at Pizza Express.
You eat at Pizza Express? I don't know, I don't get like shopping in and stuff.
Because I don't really I don't really have a house.
You don't go to the shops, you haven't got a house - - what's next?! - I just stay with friends.
- He's like a cat, he just comes round.
- He does! Washes his arse in the kitchen.
Earlier, on the way here I was hungry and I was thinking, "What shall I eat when I get there?" And I thought, "I'll eat with Noel.
" Then I thought, "I wonder what Noel's eating?" And I couldn't imagine you eating.
The only thing I could picture you eating was a disco ball.
LAUGHTER I know what you mean, it is disappointing when you see Noel eating.
He was eating sausage, mash and peas out of a polystyrene container earlier.
- No! That ruins it! - It shatters the illusion.
Two things I can't stand are food and time.
Time as in? Yes, the concept of time.
I've blown Rhod's mind.
You know when they invented time and went, "Right, it's seven o'clock" - They didn't invent time, Noel! - What do you mean?! - Nobody invented time! - Of course they did, it's a construct! - They didn't invent time, it's always been there! - What?! He wasn't expecting this when he took the job on! - Wait, Ella's come up with an answer.
- It's to do with the sun.
Well, that's such a vague comeback.
How does it work, time, Ella? Obviously, there's night time and daytime.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE What do you think, preparing for a movie role? No, it's got to be the child one.
What do you think, then? I think it's the baby and mum one, based on how you reacted.
That seems a plausible excuse.
I can tell you if you are going for the mother and toddler without a badge, it is wrong! Well, we weren't going with that, so That's what she said, "I was preparing for a role in a movie, "I take all my roles very seriously and I got a little carried away.
- That was the right answer, that is what she said.
- Crazy.
Britney Spears is currently eight months into a two-year residency at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas.
The boss says if she can just stop crying and forgetting the food orders she'll make the grade in no time.
Here's one for Noel's team.
# Take me down to the paradise city # Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty # Oh, won't you please take me home Take me down to the paradise city It's the headwear enthusiasts of late '80s rock who were going to be called Catapults and Terry's Chocolate Orange, it's Guns N' Roses.
That was Guns N' Roses with Paradise City.
In August of 1989, guitarist and founding member Izzy Stradling was on a flight to LA.
Sometime before leaving, Izzy Stradling whipped out Izzy Jr - I'm sorry about this - he urinated on the floor of the plane.
He was subsequently thrown off the flight, but how did his publicist excuse this shocking lapse in his normally exemplary behaviour? Where's the weirdest place you've ever weed? I'm not going to say who, but a member of my band Hang on, Harry, you said you're not going to say - it was Doug.
LAUGHTER He urinated over the DJ booth into the audience.
Oh! Sorry, that was a different story, it says here you were coming out of the shower, you fell over and Doug the guitarist pissed all over you.
No, that happened as well, yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow.
I'm so sorry, Doug, I'm so sorry.
NOEL: Doug pissed on you?! I was on the phone in the shower There's so much wrong with this story so far! Was the shower on? Yes.
How was your phone working? No, it was the phone from theroom.
What?! You were on a landline?! And then, as I got out, I slipped over and then naturally he thought, erm "Yeah, I'm going to urinate on him.
" This was after a long night, this wasn't like, I don't know It's not a morning thing.
I mean, you haven't got a house, you don't go shopping.
You make me feel like Richard Branson.
I'm going to go home and take a long, hard look in the mirror.
Oh, so you have got a home! Boom! He had a wee on a flight.
Let's cast your mind back.
Izzy Stradlin.
He's on a flight.
Did his publicist say, "It was just his way of expressing himself"? "One of the passengers asked him to do it"? Or did his publicists say, "he was trying to do it in a bottle and turbulence struck"? At least the last one sounds like an excuse.
Seann, before you carry on with this thought, I'm getting you and Ella very mixed up.
Just to differentiate you, can you just pop this on? It's the hair.
I'm getting very confused.
It'll make it easier for me.
Is this right, Noel? Help.
- That is better.
- He looks quite good.
It's quite good, I think.
STACEY: Shakespeare! That's who you look like.
LAUGHTER Come on, I'm going to have to press you for an answer.
I think it's artistic.
Cos he's like a rock star.
He's not going to be like, "there was a legitimate excuse.
" He's going to be like, "Yeah, I did it because it means something.
" You're absolutely right - it was just his way of expressing himself.
APPLAUSE - Wow! - Absolutely right.
Stradlin's publicist claimed he was "just trying to express himself".
After the incident, he had to write a letter of apology to the flight crew.
Absolutely true, and he was sent home to his mum's for a stint in rehab.
One shocked onlooker commented, "I couldn't believe my eyes.
"I pointed and said to my wife, 'Is he piddling?' "She said, 'no Izzy Straddling'.
" Hey, it's just a bit of fun, ladies and gentlemen, just a bit of fun.
NOEL: I like that.
At the end of that round CONGAS PLAY Phill's team have nothing and Noel's team have one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now for the round that ironically needs no introduction - it's the Intros Round.
Phill, Ella, Stacey - here are yours.
Check those out.
- STACEY: I'm so sorry, guys, I'm terrible at this.
- Oh! I never get it.
My ear doesn't hear it.
I like how you blamed your ear, like it wasn't part of you.
Phill: OK? One, two, three, four BOTH: # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a Ding dig-a-ding dig-a # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a Ding dig-a-ding dig-a # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a Ding dig-a-ding dig-a # Ding dig-a-ding dig-a - # Dow-dow-dow-dow-dow - Ching ching ching ching - # Dow-dow-dow, dow-dow-dow - Ching ching ching ching.
# - Stacey, can I just interrupt this? - Yep.
- Do you know what's happening? - I do.
I was concentrating here - That's good! And then I thought, if I can look this way, I might be able to lip read them talking about what they think it is.
That is a very good strategy.
I'm short-sighted, so it didn't work.
LAUGHTER - So let me just check this out, your ears don't work, and you're short-sighted? - No, I'm a mute(!) LAUGHTER Why don't you stand up and feel them for vibrations while they do it? - That's what I should do.
- Yeah, feel them for vibrations.
OK.
Will I get sued? Depends where you feel them.
- Stacey, do you want a clue? - Yes, please.
It's big and red and it hangs out by the river.
- It? - It.
You know that clown who's always in the drains.
LAUGHTER - It's always in the drains! - Wow! I hate you all! - Oh, It, the film? - Yes! - Let's just see if you're right.
Is it It by Stephen King? APPLAUSE That was a really bad clue, then.
It wasn't a really bad clue.
It was a really bad answer.
You know, what's quite weird, I was going to wear this dress, - obviously, with a scary clown's face on it.
- Dress? A dress?! Again, the scary clown face was the important bit of that.
- You homed in on "dress".
- You were going to wear a dress?! With a clown's face on it, that looked like that clown.
You've already got long hair and you were going to wear a dress? - Still not getting the - Imagine! - What I'm saying is - You are It.
LAUGHTER - Yeah.
- I'll pass it over.
- No! I think we all know it, don't we? What's your problem? You could have told me? I tried to mouth it to you about 20 times but you're short-sighted.
With the smallest cat bum mouth I've ever seen.
LAUGHTER Just cos you're short-sighted, you can't start having a go at my bum mouth.
Noel's team? Waterloo Sunset.
Waterloo Sunset by The Kinks, and here's how it should have sounded.
INTRO PLAYS STACEY: Sorry.
Dirty old river APPLAUSE CHEERING - I'm just terrified.
- Are you? It is a bit frightening, isn't it? - It's creepy.
The most frightening thing is the nose.
And the place it's positioned.
I feel like I should be able to do that thing where it goes - Do you want your next one? - What is it? If you remember, we're in the Intros Round.
Let's have your next one then, please.
One, two, three BOTH: # Dun dun dun dun dun dun - # Ba-da ba-da ba-da ba-da baaa - Dun dun dun dun dun dun - # Ba-da ba-da ba-da ba-da baaa - Dun dun dun dun dun dun - # Ba-da ba-da ba-da ba-da baaa - Dun dun dun dun dun dun BOTH: # Ba-da da da da dah! # Our house In the middle.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on! Yeah! RHOD SINGS Feelin' hot hot hot! Four shows! Four shows! Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, what a moment! What a moment! What a moment.
What a Yes! I'll tell you whose house it WASN'T.
That was like that moment when on "finally" on the news when you see a dog with a broken leg jump over a little gate.
Oh, yes! - I'm the dog? - No, you're the gate, Stacey(!) This is Madness, Our House.
This is how it should have sounded.
INTRO PLAYS STACEY: # Mother wears her Sunday best.
# Father wears his Sunday best APPLAUSE We also heard The Kinks with Waterloo Sunset.
In 2004, Ray Davies was shot in the leg whilst on holiday in New Orleans, but he had the last laugh, leaving a damning two-star review on Trip Advisor.
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
There's a It's gone.
NOEL: He's with me, let it go.
- I trapped a spider for three weeks and I let it go today.
- You what? - That's a hostage, that's not a spider.
- Wow.
And I was so scared that I just put it under a cup, and then I just went on tour.
And I came back - How long did you go on tour for? - For three weeks.
- Let me guess the end of this story.
It was dead.
- No, it was alive! That's the thing, I moved the cup, and he He freaked out.
He freaked out.
He was like, "Oh! Oh!" He's doing a press conference right now going, "It's just so good to see my wife again.
" In Australia I trapped a spider under a It was so big.
The first time I ever went to Australia on tour.
It was this big already, and then I thought, I can't use a cup cos it's too big, so I got, like, a mixing bowl, but it was sort of a magnifying mixing bowl, so when I put it on the top, it just went WHOOSH! About that big.
And the concierge of the hotel, I went, "This is not poisonous, is it?" And he went, "Aaaargh!" And just ran out, right? Then I was like, it is poisonous.
This is On my life, I let it go, and it didn't go into, like, the bushes or the undergrowth, it went down the sidewalk and then crossed, like, a zebra crossing.
LAUGHTER Almost hailing a taxi.
- OK, Noel and Harry.
- Yes.
- Here are your intros for Seann, please.
Take it away.
- You look like a Like - Oh, here we go.
What's happening now? You're like a stay-at-home wife in your dress, in your apron.
"Could you pipe down, please? I've had a long day, I've been doing the washing up and the kids are tired.
" He looks like a stay-at-home wife in The Nightmare Before Christmas.
That's about it.
I'm not sure I fancy you as a domestic - Wife? - Wife.
But you're undecided though, aren't you? Right.
This is going to help.
- # Da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da - DUM-cha-cha, DUM-cha-cha - # Da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da - DUM-cha-cha, DUM-cha-cha # Da-da, da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da da-da-da, da-da-da - # DUM-cha-cha, DUM-cha-cha.
# - No words are happening! NOEL AND HARRISON CONTINUE In In the MUTTERING: Summer Summertime.
Is that the name of the song? In The Summertime The Weather Is Hot? I'm going to give it to you, it's In The Summertime, Mungo Jerry.
- Yeah, give it to me! - And it should have sounded INTRO PLAYS NOEL: Nailed it.
ELLA: Who was doing that - "DUM"? Mummy nailed it! In the summertime Let's have your last one, please.
# Duh, duh, duh, duh-duh Duh, duh, duh Rar! It looks you're using an iPad.
# Duh, duh, duh, duh-duh Duh, duh, duh Rar! Rar! - Mummy's barking.
- Oh! THEY CONTINUE INTRO I feel like I'm at Glastonbury, I've lost my mates and I'm sat at a tent with some weirdos at about four in the morning.
I got it.
Is it Don't Forget To Lock Me by The Backdoors? LAUGHTER I've handed it over, yes.
The rules of this game are very strict.
Stacey? Hang on, Ella.
Oh, no! I actually have it in my head! Is there any way of getting it out through the front? - STACEY: Is that a Dr Dre groove? - Yes! - Dr Dre SEANN RAPS AS EMINEM: # Nowadays everybody want to talk # Like they got something to say But nothing comes out # When they move their lips Just a bunch of gibberish # Blah-blah-blah They gone and forgot about Dre APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - HE STAMMERS - You only got it because - Stacey Solomon said Dr Dre.
- The point goes to you.
- Oh, thank you so much! - Oh, my God! - We tried really hard.
- This - Unbelievable! - This Mummy does all the hard work, Daddy dishes out the points.
It was Forgot About Dre.
Dr Dre featuring Eminem.
Let's have a listen to what it should have sounded like.
- INTRO PLAYS - Dog? - STACEY: Woof! Y'all know me We also heard Mungo Jerry, In The Summertime.
Mungo Jerry wrote Feels Like I'm In Love for Elvis, but after Elvis died it was eventually recorded by Kelly Marie.
It's like writing a speech for Martin Luther King and then hearing Joe Pasquale do it on Celebrity Squares.
Ladies and gentlemen, round three is the Identity Parade.
Phill's team, how about some Five Star? For the audience only, here is Five Star with System Addict.
# System addict - # I never can get enough - System addict - # System addict - System addict Never can give it up That was Five Star with System Addict, but which of our line-up is band member Stedman Pearson? Is it number one - Stedman.
Number Two - Deadman.
Number Three - Wo-man.
Number Four - Claudia Winkleman Or Number Five - Etch-a-sketch? LAUGHTER If you shake him, will those tattoos disappear? Phill, I know you're on the other team, but I can help you out.
- I know it's not number four cos I went to school with him.
- LAUGHTER - No! Seriously? - Yeah.
We used to get on the 94 bus to school, do you remember? And talk about wrestling.
Don't nod! Don't nod! APPLAUSE Good to see you! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH So weird! Do we not get to see, like, them in action? Right, OK, look.
We never, ever see them before.
That's the way that the game works.
Aside from here, because Stedman's number two.
OK.
But we have seen them before, Seann saw number four on the 94 bus.
PHILL SHOUTS: It's number two because I recognise him! I didn't go to school with him.
But it's number two.
- Phill, playing the game old school.
- ELLA: We're going for number two.
Let's see if you're right.
Is it number two? Let's have a look.
Stedman, please for Christ's sake step forward, one of you.
One of you step forward, I don't give a shit who it is.
One of you step forward! Right, that's it, I'm just going to push one of you.
- I'm just going to push somebody out, I don't care.
I don't - CHEERING How you doing, Stedman? I've got in my notes that you used to be a bricklayer, amongst many, many, many other things you've done.
It's just that I've got some pointing work - See that? That is my I've got the upper flat in there.
- Yeah.
I've been told that needs re-pointing.
- I'd say closer to the roof maybe.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Did you do this? Why, is it shoddy? Um Well, it's not neat, is it, really? LAUGHTER It's true, it's not.
- Seems OK.
- It seems OK? - Yeah.
- See? This is what I was bloody afraid of.
I've been told it needed re-pointing, but I don't think it does at all.
You used to be a builder, what are you up to now? - On tour with Five Star hopefully next year.
- It's all still happening.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Stedman Pearson.
- Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Stedman Pearson, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
Give it up for Stedman Pearson! Now, Noel, Harry and Seann, straight out of Walthamstow.
For the audience only, here are East 17 performing Stay Another Day.
# Oh, don't leave me alone like this # Don't you say it's the final kiss Won't you stay another day? That was East 17 with Stay Another Day but which of our line-up is band member John Hendy? Is it number one, John Hendy? Is it number two, John Candy? Is it number three .
.
Ted Bundy? Is it number four, hand shandy? Is it number five, a man up a ladder, let's call him Andy? They look like the drug dealers at the North Pole.
You turn up and like, "Do you want a lollipop? "Do you want a lollipop? You want an icicle? What do you want? "I'll get it for you.
I get you some snow.
Come at me, come with me.
" I like the trousers.
Very Empire Strikes Back.
- Oh, yeah! - Number two has got something in for lazy Susans.
Wait for him to come round.
He's furious.
Watch him now.
Look at that miserable prick! If they got off that now, would they all fall over? One of them was laughing but I can't remember which one.
Sometimes the one who's laughing isn't the one we're looking for.
- I think I'll let you choose.
- Harry, what are you going to go for? - You've got a magic about you.
Go on.
- Four.
- You're going for four.
Would the real one please step forward? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Who'd have thought it! You are right.
- John, what are you up to? - Spinning around.
LAUGHTER Listen, I hear that you're a roofer.
- That's right.
- Well, listen Genuinely, I've got this flat, and the guys who put the floor on there, you'll see that with the neighbours They've done a perfectly good job except that, recently See that's the neighbours' one there.
Should there be something joining? See where the Down the middle of the neighbours' flat, should there be something - joining that? - There should be a valley going down.
That's what I thought.
Why have they done it without a valley? - Because they're not very good.
- Can you? Literally, can you pop round and give me an estimate? I'm a bit busy doing shows but I can send a couple of boys round - to sort it out.
- Yeah? - Give you a good price.
- Brilliant.
Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Wonderful.
John Hendy, now a roofer.
CHEERING Now a roofer, ladies and gentlemen, John Hendy.
CHEERING BONGOS PLAY I know what you're thinking, can he do it one-handed? No.
Phill's team have three and Noel's team have three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So we end the show as usual with our quick-fire round, Next Lines.
Each week I'm going to give you a theme.
This week it's songs about the weather.
Phill, you get rain.
Noel, you get sunshine.
Phill's team, you go first.
OK, go, your time starts now.
Now that it's raining more than ever Now that we'll still have each other.
Bang on.
Umbrella by Rihanna.
Thunder only happens when it's raining # Thesomething Only love you when they're playing.
- Absolutely right.
Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
- NOEL: We knew that.
Hang on a minute.
Name the famous artist, name the artist.
STACEY: Dale! Dale Winton! Name the artist! Name the artist! 1970s, New York, Andy Warhol.
Lou Reed.
Yes, Lou Reed is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Noel's team, you need four points to win.
Your time starts now.
We don't believe in time.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yeah! Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone Look, we've sucked him in.
We've sucked him in.
- It's not warm when she's away.
- It's not warm! Ain't No Sunshine, Bill Withers.
In the summertime when the weather is hot You can sleep outside or live in a drain.
You can stretch right up and touch the sky.
Ah.
You can't, though, can you? Summertime And the living is easy.
HE RAPS: Summertime and the living is easy Summertime and the living is easy.
- Yeah! - Check it, check it, check it, check it.
Give it up to the beat.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We won! We did it! I don't think it's harsh to say you wasted your own time there.
Noel's team have three, but Phill's team are tonight's winners with a whopping six.
CHEERING So that's it.
Thanks to Phill, Ella and Stacey, Noel, Harry and Seann.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Rhod Gilbert.
Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE