The Simpsons s28e06 Episode Script

1 FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Well, it's the first Saturday in September, and that means one thing in Springfield.
It's that time again.
Opening day of peewee football.
(OVER P.
A.
): And everybody's headed down to Child Soldier Field to catch all the action.
It all comes down to this, the first game of the year, perfect season on the line.
And drunks are being rolled off the field.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Springfield Neutrinos! (CROWD CHEERING) BART: Huh? NELSON: Where'd everybody go? BART: I can't see.
(GASPS) They over-fogged the run-in! They put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd.
Yeah, are you psyched up now? Huh? Are you?! (PLAYERS PANICKING, HELMETS CLONKING) Concussions! Concessions! - (DOOR DINGS) - Aah! (ANXIOUS CHATTER) My boy hit his head doing football! I'm a doctor's wife.
Save my boy first! My boy needs an MRI! (CLAMORING) Ow! - Ow! - Ow! - Ow! Ow! - Oh! (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) With head injury concerns on the mind, the town has shut down its peewee football program.
Professor, what danger does this concussion threat truly pose? Uh, well, Kent, these children will need their brains unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs of the future: polishing and buffing our robot masters.
Indeed.
And here to defend youth football, we have Nelson's dad.
Are you wearing makeup? Is it worth the risk to your son's health when only .
1 percent of youth football players make it to the pros? You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes to play pro ball? Huh? Boy, show him your moves.
Juke it, juke it! (GRUNTING) Why are you dekeing it when I said juke it? Take a lap! Without football, Kent, (NELSON GROANS) how are kids gonna learn character like I did, you stupid fruit-munch? And what is your problem, smart-nuts? (GRUNTS) Which brings us to this question: if not football, what sport is safe for our children? But there are so many club sports that can eat up all our free time.
What about baseball? (SCOFFS) Baseball Rife with steroids! Then test for steroids! Oh and then there'll be no home runs! (ALL ARGUING) Um, I think I-I may have a solution.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about biathlon? That teaches kids to ski and kill.
How about Frisbee-golf? If I could just have your attention Hey, what about Filipino tooth-fighting? It builds biting, jaw strength and mouth work.
The champion for a long time was a dog.
(GROANS) No one is listening to me.
Well, maybe no one wants to hear your ridiculous idea.
Let's go, we're late for prenatal yoga.
Milhouse is ten.
Why are we still doing that? Poor Kirk.
No one listens to him.
Even Luann treats him like garbage.
(SIGHS) Love's funny like that.
Help him out.
Make people listen to his idea.
Oh, why me? I only came to this concert because I was told it was a potluck.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) (ARGUING CONTINUES) Attention, smothering parents who only came to hear themselves talk! You're an idiot! (ARGUING QUIETS) This guy has as much right to bore us as any of you! Take it away, buddy.
(ECHOING): Buddy, buddy, buddy "Buddy.
" Huh.
Um, I've got an exciting sport that's great exercise a-and teaches teamwork.
Lacrosse.
- La-what? - What-cross? What-what? Lacrosse.
It's the perfect combination of America's two least watched sports: soccer and hockey.
(MURMURING EXCITEDLY) Any kid can learn to play lacrosse.
Even this.
(PARENTS GASPING) This isn't a drive-in movie.
(PARENTS GASPING) Everybody, feel free to whip stuff at my son's face.
(LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER) Yarr.
Now hold on there.
Lacrosse has the second highest concussion rate, right after football.
(CHANTING): Safer than football! Safer than football! Hey, why don't we have this fruit-munch teach our kids this crazy sport? Me, coach your kids? Most of you won't even make eye contact when I'm weighing your yogurt.
I'll do it.
If Homer will coach with me.
Huh? We've come too far together on this crazy ride.
It wouldn't feel right to do it without you buddy.
(ECHOING): Buddy, buddy, buddy Mm? Oh, fine, I'll coach with this guy.
But I promise you this: I will never stop complaining about it.
(CHEERING) (GRUMBLING): Stupid sport I never heard of make me wake up early on a Saturday probably have to slice oranges Don't even know the rules because I refuse to learn 'em my kids will probably suck at it And I'll have to kneel down on photo day, knees get all wet despite my bad attitude, I'm thrilled by the nonstop action kids running towards me with a look of joy I've never seen before Dad, we won! It's okay, kids.
What matters is you tried your best.
Have an orange slice.
No, we won! Yes, we're all winners.
Because losing teaches valuable lessons.
Have an orange slice.
We did it, buddy.
You and I make a great team.
We won for real! For the first time in our lives, we can say "Good game" and actually mean it.
Good game! Uh, good game! Ha! That's loser talk! (CHEERING) (GROANING) Wow, pizza really does taste sweeter after you win.
(HUMMING HAPPILY) Dude.
My kids have never won at anything.
All the girl does is read and the boy's got one of those paying attention diseases that isn't really a disease.
Awesome job, guys! How do you know so much about lacrosse? Wait.
You want to know about me? (DISINTERESTED MUMBLING) Well, it all goes back to my college days, where I was the star attackman on our lacrosse team.
(CROWD CHEERING) (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) I'd even been drafted to play in the pros for the Milwaukee Zoom.
After scoring the championship-winning goal, I was on top of the world, man.
I was high-fiving everybody.
For the first time in my life, no one, and I mean no one, was leaving me hanging.
I was slap-happy, I couldn't stop myself, until I highed one five too far.
(METALLIC CLANK) (WRIST SHATTERING) Our school mascot, Sir Gudge-a-lot.
(RETCHING) My Zoom dream died that day.
Mm (GRUNTS ANGRILY) Uh Ah (METALLIC CLICKING) My wrist healed, but my wrist in here never did.
I've never high-fived my own son.
The mascot wore a suit of armor? Just like a knight! Yeah, but now lacrosse has brought us together.
Hey, a toast, to new friendship! Could I get a roll of toilet paper, please? I get nosebleeds when I drink.
To new friendship.
Mm.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
(HOMER SNORING) - Dad! Dad! - Dad! Dad! Dad, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! (MOANING GROGGILY) Oof! (MAGGIE COOS) It's 6:00 a.
m.
on a Saturday.
We have a weekend lacrosse tournament! (HORN HONKING OUTSIDE) There's Coach K! Come on, come on, come on! (BART AND LISA GRUNTING) (LISA CHUCKLES) (BOTH BREATHING RAPIDLY) LISA: Come on, Dad! (GRUNTS, GASPS) Check out the travel van, brah! (CHUCKLES) Two days, ten games, 700 miles and one sweet mixtape.
I hope you like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, 'cause this van's about to swing.
So I think about my next drink And it's you and me And the bottle makes three tonight Uh I'm pretty sure a mixtape isn't just the same song over and over again.
No, no, dude, they're different live versions.
You can tell because some are longer.
(MUSIC STOPS) Hey, you want a hit off my vape pen? It tastes like passionfruit and people think you're a smoker.
Why would I want that? (CHUCKLING): Don't worry, Marge isn't here.
Oh, speaking of which, where is the craziest place you two have ever done it? - What? - Let's both say it at the same time.
One two - Don't! - Chipotle! There are kids back there! Oh, they can't hear us.
I got 'em watching classic lacrosse matches.
(CROWD CHEERING) Textbook ankle-breaker by Gary Gait! And Paul Gait with the dip and dunk! Everyone be sure to fuel up with a rice sandwich.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
HOMER: Rice in a sandwich? That's mush-on-mush.
Doesn't this dweeb know kids need bologna to win? Those sandwiches had so many carbs! I've never played harder! Rice power! (GRUNTS) Uter, watch those alligator arms! Hug the pipe, Sherri! Milhouse, gobble and goose! (CHEERING) Bart Simpson with the Canadian egg roll! We won every game.
Kirk is like a sports genius who everyone hates.
Worse than Jim Harbaugh? Well, not that bad.
I know Kirk's a bit of a dizzy duck, but remember, you're doing this for the kids.
Right, right.
The kids.
Everything for the kids.
(GASPS) Oh, God, he's coming! Hide, Marge.
Oh, good call, buddy.
Disco nap.
We got to power up for tonight.
(CHUCKLES) Tonight? Which gentlemen's club should we hit first, Skin City or the Tassel Castle? Gentlemen's you mean a strip club? Yeah, Wiggles has great dancers, but they're kind of stuck up, if you believe Lap-Aficionado.
com.
Which, uh (CHUCKLES) I do.
Why would I want to go to a strip club? I'm married to a naked lady.
Drive time to Sapphire Diamond is only 39 minutes.
That's the fastest it's been all day.
Hey, wa 38 minutes! Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot of kind of guys A booze guy, a don't-know-my-kids'- birthdays guy, a steal-the-blow-dryer- from-the-motel guy, but I am not a strip club guy.
You do want to hang with me, don't you, buddy? (GROANS SOFTLY) I can't do it.
I can't pretend to be this guy's friend for one more second.
I scored three goals today! I'm a jock.
A jock! I didn't spit on my hand for the post-game handshake.
Hey, pal, I don't like Kirk either, but look how much fun the kids' heads are having.
(SIGHS) Of course I want to hang with you, buddy.
But, you know, I'm pretty tired from all those YouTube videos you showed me about whiskey making.
It gets its color from the barrel.
I know, the barrel.
Let's just get some sleep.
Well, all right.
Next time we can just rage twice as hard, I guess.
(CLICK, THEN LOUD HEARTBEAT) What the hell is that? I can't sleep without my white noise machine.
Womb setting.
(HEARTBEAT CONTINUES) So I think about my next drink And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight Yeah! (TIRES SCREECH, MUSIC STOPS) Mom, we swept the tourney! We're playing in the championship against Capital City! (TIRES PEEL OUT) Mwah! How does it feel to be the assistant coach of a winning team? I'm going for a walk.
(GROANS) Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
Well, you know what they say, behind every successful man is his assistant coach.
How can a wife understand What it feels like to finally meet a man? The strongest bond a dude could ever know Whoa, whoa A guy to catch a game with A pal you don't feel lame with Life began the day I found my bro I'm just a normal boozer Stuck with this lame loser A dweeb that somehow thinks that I'm his bro Whoa, whoa His eyes are small and beady Staring, oh, so needy How I despise him he will never know So much cool stuff we can do as a pair Everything about him is annoying Dress as minstrels at the renaissance fair He smells like fish oil pills Foosball Fridays in my man cave That waitress was not into you Designing the world's best Blues Brothers fan page He wants us to co-host an Oscar party, what the hell? I hate everything about him This clingy fat-nosed jerk - I'm glad he can't - Wish he could BOTH: Hear me sing About this sweaty - Awesome - Fish oil - Awesome - I was only pretending To like that stupid dork named Oh, hi, Kirk.
(GRUNTS) (SAD SIGH) FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Springfield, the city that lives and dies by youth lacrosse, a sport we first learned about five weeks ago.
And with just two hours left until face off against Capital City, the countdown clock is ticking away.
As always, laying out all the information you need to know, this is WXPO "The Pipe.
" (CHEERING) And now the man responsible for this miracle on grass, the "Priest of the Crease," "The Riceman Cometh," Coach K! (CONFUSED NOISES) Hmm, it's not like Kirk to miss such an important pre-game rally.
Yeah, well, better get slicing on these oranges.
Where is that coach? If we lose this game, I have to give the mayor of Capital City a crate of Springfield apricots.
We grow no apricots! Kirk is missing.
I haven't seen him since he left home happily singing about his friendship with you.
(HUMMING NERVOUSLY) Dad, what do you know? What? Nothing! I don't oh, oh All right.
The truth is, your husband and your father is a soul-sucking loser who found out I was only pretending to be his friend for the sake of the team.
But, but why did he empty out our bank account, and all in one-dollar bills? Oh, no.
There's only one thing a man like Kirk wants with that many singles.
To hand out to the poor? Worse.
To bring to a strip club.
I'll go get him.
I'll also get him.
No, me! Me! I just need to go home and put on my special sweat pants.
No, it's my husband's fault that Kirk has run off to that jiggle joint and only he can get him out.
Me? But those places are filled with creeps.
Plus, all the chairs face the stage.
What if I want to have a conversation with another patron? Come on, Dad, you've got to do it! Without Coach K, we can't play in the championship! Look at the countdown clock.
ANNOUNCER: Countdown clock brought to you by Ray's Steaks: When you want to raise some stakes, head over to Ray's Steaks.
(CHANTING): Save Coach K! Save Coach K! Save Coach K! Save Coach K! Save Coach K! As your wife, I'm begging you, if you ever loved me, go to that strip club.
(CHEERING) (DOG HOWLS) (GROANS) HOMER: Oh, guys.
(TIRES SCREECH) (GROANS) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE) (ANGRY GROAN) Okay.
All I got to do is go in, get the pervert, and bring him back to a park full of children.
Hey, I'm looking for my friend.
Bald middle-aged guy, sad paunch, given up on life.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
Take your pick.
(DEPRESSED GROANING) - Oh, boy.
- Oh, man.
- (WORRIED MOAN) - WOMAN: Hello.
Uh, no, thank you.
Hey there, big guy.
No, thank you.
Happily married man with no cash coming through.
(PANTING) Made it.
Nothing in this place can tempt me.
(MOANS) Oh, baby, yes.
Those legs go on forever.
(MOANS) Where are they? Maybe we shouldn't have sent Homer Simpson into that den of sin.
(MARGE GROANS, MS.
HOOVER GASPS) My husband's a good man.
He can do this.
(CHEWING SOUNDS) Oh, worst food I've ever had.
So much Is that guy still in the champagne room? He hasn't slept in days.
He brought a cooler of rice sandwiches.
He says they give him energy.
Wait, who do I know that likes rice sandwiches? (GASPS) Bart's friend's dad! So anyway, they can't call it bourbon unless it's from Kentucky.
It's the American bourbon He's not a loser paying for lap dances; he's a loser paying for listening.
Kirk, we've got to go.
The big game is about to start.
Come on buddy? Oh, now I'm your buddy again, huh? Well, guess what, buddy.
Carmeleena and Bodacious are my true friends.
Nothing, nothing that we had was real.
Well, it was all fake.
But, damn it, somehow you turned our fat, lazy, loser kids into winners.
Kirk Van Houten, I don't like you.
But I respect you.
Respect? That's the one thing you can't buy in a place like this.
(LOUD PEELING) I've got to get to that game! Hey, that's a great realization you had there, pally.
Now if we could just settle this up, eh? $15,000? 12 lap-dances an hour, times three girls, times 56 hours, pole tax, glitter recycling fee.
It's quite a ride.
(GRUNTS) (MEN COUGHING, KIRK YELLS) Run! (NERVOUSLY GROANING) (YELLS) DJs! Uh-oh, Japanese businessmen! ATM with giant service fee! Aw, we'll never make it to the game.
Our kids were depending on us and we let them down.
You let them down.
You.
Did you say kids? We all have kids.
We'd do anything for 'em.
(BABIES COOING, NURSERY MUSIC PLAYS) Come on, working moms, let's get these dads to that game.
I'm sorry, kids, but your coaches aren't here.
You're going to have to forfeit.
And now to blow this whistle and make it official.
(GUST OF WIND, HELICOPTER BLADES SPINNING) It's the Strip-a-copter! I mean, it's a helicopter I've never rented before.
Helmet up, kids.
Let's win ourselves a championship.
Who wants orange slices? (CHEERING) ALL: Yay! No matter how bad our kids screw up the rest of their lives, they'll always have this moment.
Buddy, you deserve this.
(EXCLAIMS QUIETLY) (BONES CRACKING, HOMER AND KIRK SCREAM) Just because we're in traction doesn't mean this hospital room can't swing.
So I think about my next drink And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight (MUFFLED GROANING) Yeah! What do you mean it's last call? Hey, guys, I know all you "Crushin' It" fans are super pumped for my latest Crush video.
Sorry, no contest winner this week.
Remember, to qualify, you have to be a subscriber and leave a comment.
Now, the secret to the ultimate rice sammy is to make sure the rice is really wet, li-like soaking.
(HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) (CHEWS AND SLURPS) (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) So after going in to find it a third time, they just decided to leave the colonoscopy camera inside (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) Five words jet fuel can't melt steel.
(HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) When I held the door for that guy and he didn't even say thank you, I just lost it! (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) Oh, man, Milwaukee would've been so sweet.
The Zoom were the kings of that town! (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING)