The Simpsons s28e22 Episode Script

1 (Homer grunts) Bring up the couch.
(grunting) (sighs) (clinking) I'm a return! (exclaims) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screech) D'oh! APP: Turn left.
You're the driver.
(horns honking) MAN: Watch it, ya jerk! APP: Turn left.
Don't look at me.
Look at the road.
Yes, dear.
(tires screeching, horns honking) In 50 feet ago, U-turn without signaling.
Oh (tires screech) (horn honks) Turn left, into Garbage Alley.
(engine revving, tires screeching) (tires screech) Mmm.
Uh, uh Huh? What? Huh? What the hell do those mean? Can't stop, I have to hit one of them.
Man or dog? Oh, it's a Snoopy's Choice.
(sighs) I guess your days of eating out of the garbage are over, Gil.
Hey (yells) (moans) APP: I was never here.
I saw nothing.
Now I do have to warn you, if Gil sues, he'll end up with everything you've got.
But that's everything I got.
Okay, kids, give me your best worried looks.
Ooh, that's good worry.
And Maggie, when we visit Gil, you should think about your mom and me disappearing forever any time we step behind a wall.
Where am I? Where am I? (footsteps departing) No, seriously, where did I go? It's so dark in here.
(shrieks) Maggie! (pounding on wall) Ol' Gil, there must be something we can do for you.
Hmm? Hmm? Ah, there sure is, you can let me scratch your husband.
Sure, but why? Because you're the lottery ticket I've been waiting for all my life! Bam! Zing! Before this goes any further, can you just take one look at our darling daughters? Mr.
Gunderson? They don't let saxophones in the I.
C.
U.
, so I'll just tell you the song I wrote for you.
B-flat, C, D-flat If memory serves, you have a son.
B-flat, C Where's he at? Long G.
(imitates old woman): I'm here to give Mr.
Gunderson his shot.
Boy, the "putting him in a coma" idea was just dinner table chatter.
I did not sign off.
You tapped your nose.
I was scratching it.
Well, I got to put something in a coma.
Why, you little (moans) Well, I'll see you in court.
Zing! Ah, cha-cha-cha! Cha-cha-cha? That's hopeful.
Cha-cha-ching! Oh.
Your Honor, my client had just turned his life around.
His daughter recently bought a washing machine and promised him the box to live in.
Do you think they'll send Dad away forever? Oh, no, sweetie.
They just want all our money.
(gasps) Will they send us to live with other families? (horse neighs) Miss Simpson, from now on you shall live with us, receiving musical instruction from Mr.
Adolphe Sax himself.
(whoops) Adolphe.
A name that will only be associated with beautiful music.
BART: We'll be free to do whatever we want.
A thousand bucks a kidney? Take them both.
Hmm.
BART: Ay, caramba! (both sigh) Mr.
Simpson, you deliberately ran your car into my paycheck I-I mean, my client.
No, "paycheck" is better.
What possible defense could you have? I had no other choice.
I didn't want to hit a dog.
ALL: Aw A dog? He saved a dog? He was gonna save a dog.
Wow.
People love dogs.
This is our key to winning this case.
You're on my side, right? I am.
(whoops) Now, go ahead, son.
You tell us how you got your dog.
(in Cockney accent): It was Christmas, sir.
We saved him and he saved us.
Now we love the dog, and the dog gives us all the love we could handle.
Love.
ALL: Aw Could the stenographer read that last part back with sentimental music? (Cockney accent): "The dog gives us all the love we could handle.
Love.
" Does the defendant ask this court to believe that in order to avoid hitting a dog, it is acceptable to hit a human-- my client? It's looking good, Homie.
According to our consultant, the toughest nut to crack is juror number six.
Aw, good doggy.
Ladies and gentlemen, this man is a human being, just like you or me.
Surely his life has more value than some creature that scoots its buttocks along the ground.
ALL: Aw Or-or gets its head stuck in an empty pickle jar.
ALL: Aw! Or walks on a hot sidewalk in a way that suggests it's dancing! ALL: Aw! This is ridiculous.
I'm a human being here, not some dumb animal.
- What? - I never.
Who are you calling dumb? The dogs who sniff for bombs at the airport? The St.
Bernards who save lives on the slopes of St.
Moritz? Or this one? (playing "The Maple Leaf Rag") - (all laughing) - (Gil moans) Now, I have a brief instruction for the jury: "There's more sanctity in a dog's loyalty than there is in all your human laws.
" Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, how Not guilty.
(sighs) Case dismissed.
We won! It's all because of you, boy.
Mwah.
CROWD: Aw Aw, I have never been more glad that I didn't hit you with my car, secretly bury you, get another greyhound, paint it your exact coloring, then realize it's a girl, stick on a fake wang, and pretend that she's you for however long dogs live.
CROWD: Aw Take us to the dog park! (all cheering) I know I've been through a lot, but I always believed people cared about a human being more than a dog.
HOMER: Hold it, I forgot my phone charger.
(Gil screams) (sighs) (screams) HOMER: Oh, wait, this isn't mine.
(moans) It's now official: a Springfield jury has decided that the life of this greyhound is more valuable than the life of this Greyhound station inhabitant.
Look at me, I'm a big man.
A big man! Anybody got a quarter? Got to be a quarter, not two dimes and a nickel.
That ain't worth jack.
What's your take on all this, Anger Watkins? I'm angrier than a beehive in a paint mixer.
This is the craziest legal decision ever made outside of Arizona.
What's next? Cats get credit cards? Let a snail race in the Indy 500? (whispers): Like that stupid movie Turbo? I tried to inhale nitrous oxide to get fast.
I ended up naked behind an appliance store! Lies! Lies! Lies! Oh, you're gonna get ten walks a day, boy.
(quietly): You can even bite the mailman.
(whines happily) There he is.
America's number one doggy daddy.
Would you care to do the honors? Would I! Uh, that's what I asked.
Would you? (shutter clicks) You're the greatest man I know one thing about! (cheering, horns honking) Look at all those voters.
What is our current position on dogs? We currently have a city employee who rounds them up and puts them to sleep.
What? I can't believe such a jerk would even be elected dog catcher.
From this point forth, this town will be known as the dog-loving capital of the world.
That'll put Springfield on the map.
Yeah, why aren't we on the map? I don't know.
I made, like, 20 calls to Rand McNally.
They don't even know what state we're in.
Thanks to these hastily-passed untested pandering laws, Springfield is now the most dog-friendly city in America.
(crowd cheers) Er, uh, arf.
(gasps) Is there anything here the dogs haven't gotten into? Just the dog food.
Why are you shutting me down? You made a dog wait for a teeth cleaning while you saved a racehorse's life? And you call yourself a veterinarian.
Ha.
And you know what we found inside? Dogs in cages.
That's no way to treat man's best friend.
Lock him up.
In a cage.
Like a dog.
Don't you understand? Dogs are born to follow and obey.
The moment the pack realizes that humans are no longer their masters, thousands of years of domestication will fall away.
They'll revert to their wild wolf nature.
Well, then I guess you'll be happy being nice and safe in jail.
Oh, yes, please! Take me there now.
You're all doomed! Doomed.
Santa's Little Helper didn't come home last night.
If you were a dog these days, would you come home? It's like doggy heaven out there, only real.
Doggy heaven isn't real? No! No, it's real! The dogs all have harps and wings.
How do they play harps if they don't have fingers? Um dogs have fingers in heaven.
How do you know so much about dog heaven? I died for five minutes and was sent there by mistake.
Now leave me alone.
(whining) Hmm Ooh! Come on, girl.
Ow! Ow, ow.
Just get him by the collar.
You can do it.
Come on, don't bite me.
Come on.
Pull.
Come on.
Dad, we don't have time for this.
Quiet.
I'm doing something important.
There you go.
Yes, that's it! Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
- Worth it.
- Totally worth it.
I know.
(dogs barking) (barking continues) Kirk, Taquito is digging up my dahlias.
- Stop him.
- Mm.
Sorry.
(growling) (gasps) Please don't hurt me.
I'm exposing my belly.
See? Exposing.
Exposing! (gasping) (growling) (dogs snarling) (growling) (howls) (chuckles) See ya later, Moe! Huh? My car's not starting.
Oh, I see the problem.
Out of gas.
Well, probably safer to walk anyway.
Yep, nothing safer than walking.
This is so healthy.
Thanks to this walk, I'll live a lot longer.
(dramatic music plays) (dogs growling) Hey, here come some of my four-footed friends.
I guess you want to meet the guy who's responsible for making all your lives better.
(dogs growling) Okay, wait a minute.
Let me guess.
Collie, dachshund, Tibetan Mastiff, otterhound, Swedish Vallhund, Finnish Spitz, Norwegian Lundehund, Catahoula Leopard Dog, Lagotto Romagnolo, and three wolves! (shrieks) Stand back! Back! Ow! - Oh! - (snarling) You don't scare me.
Your bark is worse than your bite.
(barking) Oh, those horrible barks! (Homer whimpering) (dogs barking) (yipping) BUDGIE: Dr.
Budgie warned them.
Dr.
Budgie warned all of them.
But did they listen to Dr.
Budgie? All right, that's it.
I'm comin' in there! Oh, for cryin' out (sighs) Maybe if I turn sideways.
(grunts) Lou, get the bar butter! This is what happens when you buy European prison cells.
(gasps) (growling) (grunting, panting) Kids, lower the Purge armor! We don't have any Purge armor.
Oh, right.
I always mean to buy it the day after the Purge, - when it's cheaper.
- What happened? The dogs have gone savage! They've taken over the town! - (howling in distance) - (whines) (gasps) No, boy.
Resist the call of the wild.
Like I did when they assigned that book for summer reading.
Somebody help! Stop him! (laughing) (grunts) D'oh! Oh, we've lost him to the pack.
No, he's a good dog.
He'd never turn against us.
Hmm, he's ripping the stuffing out of your car seats.
Oh, yeah?! You think you're so smart?! Okay! I'm eating your dog food! This is on you! Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
(dogs howling) Hmm.
Not one student showed up to school just because a pack of ferocious, masterless dogs are roaming the playground.
GIL: Ow! Damn it! I thought we sent Willie out there to deal with them.
I did.
But he, uh, hasn't returned.
I've finally been accepted for who I truly am.
(howls) (grunting, snarling) (dogs snarling) How come I don't get a dog-proof suit? Because I smell like lamb, Lou.
Very well.
You were right and we were wrong.
Yes.
Um, can you remove the shackles? Don't push your luck.
These dogs, they walk around all high and mighty, no regard for anyone else on the planet.
I mean, that's humans' job! Repeal the stupid new laws! Yes.
Repeal the dog-- (quietly): and child labor-- laws! Fine, just the dog ones.
I say "status," you say CROWD: Quo! So passed! Well, everything's back to normal again.
It's a pity no one told the dogs that.
- CROWD: Huh? - Wha?! You fools have surrendered your position as alpha dogs.
Until you reassert human dominance, it is you who will be calling these savage canines master.
Who among you is brave enough to tame this slobbering horde? (panicked chatter) (chatter dies away) Well, I guess it's up to ol' Gil.
Gil? Why are you helping these people who think so little of you? That's why I'm doin' it! To show everyone I'm not the town failure.
I thought I was the town failure! (chuckles) You're not even that.
Aw! So who will come with me?! CROWD: None of us! One more time! CROWD: Nobody! I can't hear you! CROWD: Yes, you can! Standing next to me is the man whose life we all agreed was worth less than a dog.
I say we stand behind him as he redeems himself! Even though he did nothing wrong.
CROWD (chanting): Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil! We've got to get Santa's Little Helper back.
(stammers) It's too dangerous! You kids ain't goin' nowhere! I got this.
(snoring) Fine.
But we can't go out alone.
We need someone who knows how to fend off angry dogs.
(raving indistinctly) Here, boy! Come on, boy! Oh, where can he be? (Cat Lady moans) (creaking) Grampa, I called to make sure the kids are okay.
They're not okay! The boy's got sass, and the girl thinks she's Queen of the May.
You leave 'em with me and I'll straighten 'em out! I did leave them with you.
Why the hell would you do that?! - Here, boy.
- Here, boy.
Here, boy.
(squeaking) (both whimpering) (gasps) It's the alpha.
I know that dog.
It's the one Milhouse got when he didn't wet the bed for a week.
(growling) We're about to die at the hands of a dog! Paws.
Dogs have paws.
Just remember the last thing you did in life was correct me.
Oh, that actually makes me feel better.
This has gone on long enough! (yipping) You sit! (growling) (growling) (growling) - (yipping) - I'm sorry! Mom, you've become the alpha dog! Dogs are nice.
I love dogs.
Because, in dogs, we see the things we wish we saw more of in people: lifelong friendship, unwavering loyalty, and a willingness to eat anything you cook.
You rang? Ol' Gil's here to save the day! Where are those out of control pooches? Sorry, ol' Gil, you're too late.
But-but I was supposed to redeem myself and finally earn the town's respect.
Uh, good job, Gil.
You had to stop at the Automat for an egg salad sandwich.
Well, at least you still have the sandwich.
- (growls) - Uh Aw Baz, you belong with the Flanders.
Okily-dokily.
Dalmatian, fire department.
(barks, siren wails) Mr.
Burns, the hounds.
Excellent.
Uh, since you were gone, all I had to release were the June bugs.
(buzzing) Willie, Skinner.
Aw, good boy.
(howls) Oh, you're my best friend Ooh, you make me live now, honey - Ooh, you make me live - (meows) You'll have your day.
(meows) It's gonna be hard to cheer myself up after this day.
(whimpering) Hey, little fella! You had a bad night, too, huh? Come on out.
I won't hurt ya.
(chuckles) You just licked away a very bad day.
Attaboy! (dog howling) Shh!