The Simpsons s29e18 Episode Script

1 Can't let you do it.
Can't let you break my record.
LENNY, CARL AND BARNEY: 27 28 Okay, Homer, this is the last pickled egg.
Keep it down and you win 50 bucks.
Okay.
If I win, we're going out for omelets.
Yeah! I am the champion of this very bad idea.
Uh-oh.
He's gonna blow.
Hey, Moe, you're not gonna serve those eggs, are you? No, no.
I, uh, I find another use for them.
Hmm.
I was 50 bucks up until I blew every egg out of my belly.
Oh! Whoa! Hey, there, pal.
I'm afraid that was the mayor's favorite light pole.
You give me the car, I give you 500 bucks and I make all of this go away.
Uh, this is awkward.
You don't have to thank me.
Ugh! Marge.
When you start a sentence with "Marge," it's really bad.
Marge, Marge, Marge.
I sold our car.
- What are you gonna drive? - Your car.
Oh.
Well, then I guess I'll be riding the bus.
That's right.
Like rock stars and Rosa Parks.
Now just wait till you see what's become of our car.
Feast your eyes on this.
Why are you showing me this? I don't get it.
And I'm crying.
Lousy wrong channel.
The Legends of Demolition Derby-Derby-Derby are coming to Springfield- Springfield-Springfield! So shut up! And get your ass-ass-ass over-over-over here-here-here! Proceeds go to stuttering-stuttering-stuttering.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
We've got all the Demolition Derby greats! Vince "Dead Tooth" McGee! James "Psychiatric Disorder" Porter.
"Meth" MacFarland.
Mysterious Fandango and a very drunk Billy Joel.
I'm sorry, but most of these names mean nothing to me.
Here it comes! And making his triumphant return to the Crash Zone after a full skull transplant, Gene "No Helmet" Dupree! Eh? My car in a demolition derby! And we got primo tickets for Saturday night.
Look at them fan.
Wait, wait, wait.
This is the point where Lisa always ruins it.
No, I'm good with it.
People get out their aggression and destroy carbon-burning cars.
See? Ruined it.
And then I noticed there wasn't any more cinnamon on top of my rice pudding.
And I said, "Where's the cinnamon?" And they said, "There never was any cinnamon, Abe.
" Fine, Dad, we'll get you some cinnamon! I can't tolerate cinnamon! So, I started asking everyone in the TV room if they remembered the cinnamon and the answer will surprise you.
The results were incon When did you get that put in? Worth every penny.
But how many pennies is that? Homer Simpson, you can't just Hmm.
All right, young'uns.
You know that movie Cars that you likes? Uh-huh.
Well, all your favorite characters is gonna commit suicide here today.
- Huh? - What? Ladies and gentlemen, please silence all cell phones and holster all truck nuts.
And now, in conformance with the latest paleontological theories about dinosaurs, please welcome the all-new Truckasaurus Two.
I love you, Steven Spielberg.
Now, a brief moment in memory of those we lost in the past week.
And now let the bash-'em-ups begin! If I get hit by a brain, can I keep it? Be sure to get it signed afterwards.
There's our car! Wow.
Without Dad's weight in it, it really moves.
Oh, my God, this is it.
Only one car stands in our way.
It's down to Homer's Boner and Car-rak Obama, the Affordable Healthcare Mobile, which you can't kill no matter how hard you try.
My whole life has been leading to this one moment.
Oh! My chest hurts! That's called pride.
My arm is numb! Numb with pride.
Son, I need to go to the hospital.
Huh? Sure, Dad.
I missed it.
Can you see the pain you're causing him? Go on, git! I'm sorry to say it, uh, doesn't look good.
Homer, your father would like to see you, uh, one last time.
I hope you've got a return receipt on that balloon.
I always do.
Homer, there's something I need to tell you.
I'll give you two a moment in this, uh, semiprivate room.
Where is the nurse with my Son, I did a terrible thing many years ago and I need you to forgive me before before it's too late.
Anything, Dad.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You already said that part.
Remember, you can't tell anyone.
It's awful! I swear.
Now get to the point.
You didn't! Okay.
I forgive you.
Your conscience is the one clean thing in this room.
Well, we tried everything we could and the last thing worked.
How did you save him? When a body is in too much pain, the brain releases a hormone to bring a merciful death.
But an expensive new drug blocks that and keeps him alive.
What a glorious day! I'm gonna live and my son has forgiven me for the worst thing I ever did.
Yes.
Forgiven.
Sir, you just destroyed a box of hospital cotton balls.
- That's $75,000.
- D'oh! Now I want to watch my favorite new show, currently in its 17th season.
It looks like another murder at Jackson Island Naval Base.
That's what makes America great.
Prompt investigation of in-house naval crimes.
Homie, look who's here.
Yeah, I see.
Oh, Homer, are you a Sunday puzzle? 'Cause you sure seem down and a'cross.
My dad did something to me I can never forgive.
No worse than what God did to his son and they wrote a book together.
Bye.
He tricked me with his code blue and his flatlining.
And I fell for it like a sap.
What did he do? I promised him not to say what he told me, but I will never look at him the same way again.
Yeah, but you forgave me, so that means you have to love me.
Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah.
Marjorie, I'm sorry, but I do not want to be in the same room with this man.
I'm going to Moe's.
Then I'm going to Moe's! Then I'm staying here.
A gun and a sailor hat.
Nothing screams naval crime more than that.
I'm going to Moe's.
I hate seeing a father and a son sit at opposite ends of the bar 'cause it means I got to walk more.
Now come on, youse guys.
Bury the ol' hatchet.
Hey, life is short.
You could be killed by a drunk driver, die of cirrhosis, stabbed in a bar fight.
All kinds of random bad things happen to my customers.
All right, look, here's 50 cents, huh? Play the jukebox and the love tester.
You heard Ray Charles.
Actually, in my jukebox, we can't afford no Ray Charles.
It's a white guy named, uh, Charles Ray.
Excellent vision, excellent vision.
Dad, Grampa, the place we're going is the perfect way to make you guys friends again.
I went there for Janey's last birthday party.
You think you can solve our problems at a kids' birthday party place? It's cheaper than therapy and it comes with cake.
If cake solved problems, Homer would have a Nobel Peace Prize.
That's a bullcrap prize.
They gave it to Kissinger.
Welcome to the Escape Zone.
The latest attempt to get people to save a dying mall.
Now, would you like to be buried alive? Done it for real.
How about Medieval Dungeon? Got to be less torture than listening to him.
Hey.
Thank you.
Okay, you two are trapped in a dungeon.
The only way out is to solve ten puzzles by working together.
Yeah, whatever.
Super! They're just sitting there.
I bet they'd hurry if they knew we had balloons.
They're moving.
Son, if you take this sword and stick it in that magic portal, I think it might open a bookcase somewhere.
Yes, that makes perfect sense.
I'll just Homer? You're not getting out to say good-bye to your dad? He's probably afraid we'll see how much the car lifts when he gets out.
No, I'm not.
There's only one way to make you guys understand.
I'll tell you what Grampa told me.
That was in confidence.
And in this family, we keep our promises.
Starting now.
I am telling.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I hate conflict.
- Then just leave your body.
- Okay.
Hey! When I was growing up, my dad loved to make model World War II airplanes.
Watch it, son.
You're gonna break the wing.
Oh, now you got glue up your nose.
Oh! Don't eat the decal.
How many have you had? Just leave me be.
Oh! I work hard all week at the model plane factory, and this hobby is my one escape.
Can you please watch this little monster? When he gave me to her, it was the best thing he could've done.
- This is the dough.
- Dough.
Yes, dough.
Now, I need someone very strong to roll this out.
Love you.
She loved me.
And for each pie she made, she wrote down the recipe and put a special note to me on the back.
We don't know what life will bring, so on your birthday or any day you need it, you'll know that your mother loved you and have reasons to love yourself.
You just taught me food is love.
I like myself.
That lunch box was the most valuable possession I ever had.
When she left, those recipes were all I had left of her.
And that's the end.
What a sweet story.
And there's some things that shouldn't be gone into until a man is dead and can't be kicked.
After she ran away, my father was furious and did something terrible.
He threw my recipes off a cliff.
Everything that reminded him of her.
He lied to me.
He told me she took the recipes with her when she left.
Are you sure, Daddy? Yes.
And don't ask me again till I'm on my deathbed.
Wait.
Why are you looking like that? If this man had had those notes, his life would've been different.
He would've had confidence.
He would've had his mother with him! I would've had hair! Homie, that's not very realistic.
And I would've been more realistic.
- Grampa, so thoughtless.
- Mean old man.
His slippers don't even have bottoms anymore.
I never thought I'd say this word, but here it comes: coot.
Homer, why are you smiling? We're finally hating together as a family.
What do you say we all go to that home and yell at Grampa? Oh, that would be lovely.
Now enjoy this sweet song of hate.
If I could save hate in a bottle The first thing that I'd like to do Is to hate every day Till eternity passes away Then end with a giant screw you But there never seems to be enough time To hate the things you want to hate Once you hate them.
- Lousy Grampa.
- So heartless.
Always calls me "buddy" or "fella.
" Don't forget he's hard of hearing.
Lousy Grampa! So heartless! What you did was crap, Grampa! - I want to yell at him first.
- I want to yell at him first.
Hey, has anyone considered the silent treatment? The silent treatment doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
It does not work.
Okay, fine, it works.
It works so well.
Please say something.
How long has it been? Three months? I don't even remember a time before this.
Where's Grampa? - He hasn't touched his lunch.
- Or his lunch meds.
"My beloved family" Oh, boy.
"I've learned an important lesson, never get things off your chest.
Which reminds me of a gal named Chesty Lazar.
She ran a speakeasy on Hawaii right before Pearl Harbor.
Pearl Harbor was the name of the lady who bought the joint" Digression digression Crazy talk Ah, here's the end.
The point is, confessing don't really make you feel better, 'cause it don't redo the bad thing you did.
So I'm gonna undo what I done if it's the last thing I do.
Hmm.
Mm.
Oh, no.
He's heading for that cliff to look for those recipes.
I'm gonna find him, save him, and tell him I can't wait till he dies.
Leave me alone.
I'm gonna find it.
Don't do it, Dad! Most is forgiven! Wait, what's your rope tied to? - Hmm? - Hmm? Oh, my God.
Please be okay.
Please be okay.
Oh Hmm? Don't worry, son.
This will give you all the rope you need.
Dad, no! I love you.
Mom left, but you were there.
Cranky, a little drunk, sometimes not there, but you were always there.
Oh.
You love me.
That's all I need to hear.
Good thing I also threw out your mother's bed when she left.
I can still smell her perfume.
And I've got the recipes back.
Huh? Oh.
They're gone, just like Mom.
- I'm sorry, son.
- It's okay, Dad.
Life doesn't always give you neat endings that tie everything up in a bow.
Mmm.
This pie is fantastic.
It's what I imagine eating great jazz would be like.
Always with the jazz.
It tastes exactly like my mom used to make.
Exactly! Excuse me, how the hell did you get this recipe? It was a miracle, actually.
33 years ago, this place wasn't doing well, possibly due to our location under a cliff.
I went out to contemplate my fate when suddenly, like a gift from God, the recipes came.
I'd never seen such recipes, such brilliant fruit combinations and such beautiful messages on the back.
Those messages were for me.
Well, then you should have them.
Everything tied up in a bow.
What's it say? It says, uh "Your father is an okay guy.
" - Aw, thanks for telling me.
- Thanks for buying it.
Mr.
Simpson, based on your budget, I am afraid there's only one car on this lot you can afford.
You know this car? Do I! Aw, I thought that's where you were.
Geez, what's wrong with her?