The Simpsons s29e19 Episode Script

1 [EXCLAIMING.]
- Worth it.
- Totally worth it.
Again! MARGE: Dinnertime! Dad, are you gonna watch the solar eclipse? Sorry, but this is pork chop night.
OTHERS: Ooh! LISA: Ah! Way to go, God! Huh? [SHOUTING.]
Aah! My eyes! I told you to use the cardboard box! I thought you meant for standing on.
Marge, you gonna eat that piece of burnt gristle? - No.
- Whoo-hoo! - [CHEWING NOISILY.]
- Homer! Did you pour fry pan grease into the milk carton? - Yes, but it's not for - Just a splash for my coffee.
[GROANS.]
I wanted to watch the eclipse with you.
I can only imagine what you've got planned for date night tomorrow.
Date night?! Marge, if we're still dating, why in the world do we have these kids? - What? [GROANS.]
- Hmm? Hey! You need to make me feel you're as smitten with me as you were when we met.
Marge, darling, you mean as much to me as the sun and the moon.
There was an eclipse of the sun by the moon, and you didn't even walk outside.
Come on, Marge, you can't be that mad.
- [GRUMBLING.]
- Uh-oh.
[GROANS.]
Marge wants a date night this Saturday.
You think you've got problems? I'm really not liking this new bar mix.
This Saturday? Is she crazy? That's when we spray nitrous in the ant farm and watch 'em go nuts.
Yeah, here's a taste.
Stupid ants.
Maybe I could have a date night here.
Sure.
I'll make it nice.
Take the paint cans out of the ladies' room, just like the Waldorf Hysteria there.
I don't know what to do.
I want it to be perfect.
I've spent so long ignoring how she thinks and feels.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a real crotch-22 there.
You know, Moe, a lot of what you think you're saying, you're not really saying.
Well, I got to admit, I've been doing a little of this nitrous myself.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INHALES.]
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SLURRING.]
: Stupid ants.
[CACKLES.]
My funny valentine Sweet comic valentine You make me smile With my heart Your looks are laughable.
Aw.
You didn't have to do that.
That and much, much more.
- - Huh? - - Huh? [LAUGHS.]
Corkage fee.
$30 dollars? Corkage is the sum we charge for opening the wine you bring, sir.
30 bucks to open a box?! I mean, nothing's too good for this lady.
- Play the violin.
- I am just a waiter, sir.
I said play the violin.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY.]
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
After dinner drinks.
I feel like Mrs.
Remington Steele.
Con te partiro Paesi che non ho mai [BOTH MOANING.]
[GRAMPA SNORING.]
I want you.
I want you! And I want you.
Only you.
Oh.
Ooh.
[MOANS.]
: Oh.
What the? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- [KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
- [HOMER GRUNTING.]
Oh.
Sweetie, I-I think you'd better see who it is.
- [SIGHS.]
- Homer, I know it's late and you've got your "Keep Out, Flanders" sign up, but, uh, I'm sorry, I-I [SOBS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
I'm feeling mighty low, sir.
- MARGE: Who is it, Homie? - It's stupid no one.
Flanders? What's wrong? Marge, it's date night! That's a made-up thing.
FLANDERS: Mmm-mmm.
Lukewarm water.
If I close my eyes, I can pretend I'm at the dentist.
[SLURPS, SIGHS.]
Afterwards, I'll grab some Flintstone vitamins and try to knock myself out.
Half a Bamm-Bamm should do it.
Ned, what happened? [SIGHS.]
I'm out of work.
The Leftorium is no-morium.
Hey, Ned.
I can't hack it anymore.
You want to buy my side of the kiosk? I'll get all the people coming out of Sears! But I got squat.
People are getting all their southpaw sundries online.
All I was getting were right-handed college students who wanted to experiment.
Don't worry, Ned.
Homer will tell you how to get a job at the plant.
- I will? - Yes, you will.
- Because it's date night.
- You said that wasn't a thing.
- Let's not fight on date night.
- Oh, all right.
Call the plant and ask for Human Resources.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Oh, thank you.
And as a reward, you get my famous cocoa.
Now, I assume the two of you will want a cup? [SIGHS.]
Make my next one a double.
- - [MUSIC PLAYING THROUGHOUT.]
I cannot be your head of Human Resources one more second, okay? With the verbal abuse and the physical abuse, and the lying under oath.
And especially this! Would you like to be the new head of Human Resources? To quote my pet turtle, "Shell yes!" Not so fast.
You may have to give me blood from time to time.
Yes, sir.
My blood's like my attitude: - B-positive.
- Excellent.
Isn't this great? We're carpooling to work.
So I can see you in the morning, at work, in the evening, and in my dreams, thanking you for saving my life.
Look, Ned, we're just driving together.
I don't want any "iddlies," "diddlies," "neighborinos" or "oopsy-doopsies.
" - Okily-dokily.
- Here's another suggestion: no talk, just music.
Oh, sure.
That's why I brought this CD of Christian favorites, Magical Ministry Tour.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Pray, pray, heart and soul Stick another dime in the poor box, baby.
- Maybe we should talk.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
Well, of course, my friend.
- Want to talk about Jesus? - No.
- Want to talk about Ecclesiastes? - No.
- Want to talk about baby Jesus? - [MUSIC RESUMES.]
Pray, pray, heart and soul Stick another dime and I'll pray with thee.
Let's crank it up to six.
[CROW CAWS.]
- - BURNS: You'll notice on your paycheck, we've adjusted for desk rental and electrical power usage.
[CHUCKLES.]
Isn't this a power plant? As defined by the IRS, we are a religion.
And that is the last question you'll ask of me.
I will break you in one day.
- - Now we're gonna do a little role-playing with Smitty and Jacqueline.
Smitty, pretend you're greeting her.
Uh, have a good one.
Okay, stop right there.
A good one, what? An unspecified object is the devil's wordplay, so I say, "Come and go with a hidely-ho!" What a wuss.
I can hear you.
Did you help this wuss get this job? I just told him who to call.
And you didn't put in a good word? - No.
- You idiot.
A recommendation from you would've sunk him for sure.
Okay, what happens if I touch her? Mm.
Go ahead.
Hey, good work today.
This hardly seems fair! Your behavior is obnoxious and offensive.
You'll be working for me in a different capacity.
- - Hmm.
[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS.]
- What are you doing, Lisa? - Making an art project.
- You color very neatly.
- Thank you.
Pride's a sin.
[GROANS.]
So is snitching to God, Rod.
I'm Todd.
I think.
[CROW CAWS.]
[SNORING.]
Homer.
Homer.
Hey, hey! [SHOUTING GROGGILY.]
Homer, you were sleeping at work.
I had to mop up your drool.
HOMER: Leave me alone.
To beef up team spirit, I thought I'd form a little prayer circle at lunch.
Um, if you pray at lunch, aren't you interrupting God's lunch? Finally, someone thinks about God.
[TODD HUMMING.]
Um, Todd, do you have anything else you can do? - Can I pray for you? - Ugh.
If you do it silently.
[QUIETLY.]
: Dear Lord, let Lisa avoid [LOUDER.]
: the cleansing fire foretold by the Council of Nicaea before they got leprosy! - That's not silently! - You have such great hearing.
[GROANS.]
I miss Milhouse.
I knew if I switched from white to dark socks, things would start happening.
Uh, you wanted to see me? [SIGHS.]
I happen to know your father didn't die.
Look, Ned, you have to learn the way things work around here.
People cut corners.
You have to let things slide.
Let me repeat.
Sorry, Homer, I can't cut you any slack.
I owe it to you to help you achieve your potential.
Maybe you could help get me another job at the plant.
One where you don't have to show up, like safety inspector.
But you are the safety inspector.
Then I should really return these things that have fallen down my back.
They look like gummy worms, but they're not.
I can't take it.
I can't take it! Why can't he be like our neighbor on the other side who we never see? What's the matter, Homie? [SOBBING.]
: Oh, no.
No.
No.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Eh? Oh, Lord, it's Homer Simpson.
I forget.
Are you seven hours ahead or behind? Whatever.
I really need your help with Flanders.
Could you please get him fired? I feel you.
Thanks.
Oh, I reached him.
So, looking through the records, I discovered this company has never given anything to charity.
In fact, it looks as if we've actually taken money from charities.
Ned, would you mind if I brought a few associates into this meeting? [CHUCKLES.]
: Well, no.
- [DOGS BARKING.]
- [FLANDERS SCREAMS.]
- You're fired! - Nice boy, nice boy! You're welcome to keep any radiation that seeped into your bones.
Speaking of charity, call the orphanage, Smithers.
We have some leaks in our pipes and need tiny hands to plug them.
Uh, they said they wouldn't send you any children, sir.
[SCOFFS.]
They have to say that.
I want to thank you, Homer.
You've been a true blue friend.
Can we talk about something fun? I now weigh more than Fat Elvis.
Well, I know I got one advantage you don't.
I got Homer Simpson in my corner.
Um, Ned, I have a confession to make.
Now don't go turning Catholic on me.
I can't.
I don't fit in those booths.
Ah, don't worry about me.
I'm sure there's a job out there for a Bob Jones University grad who majored in teaching and casting out demons and who speaks fluent Aramaic.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
- [GASPS.]
- [DOG GROWLING.]
Hmm.
Wish Mr.
Burns didn't send these home with you.
A word to the wise: don't be cocky.
Don't say you can lifeguard if you can't swim.
[CHUCKLES.]
It'll come up, believe me.
- - - - One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Make sure you keep at least five Bibles between you.
Oh, don't got crazy, Patrick Swayze.
Time to put Baby in the corner.
[SCREAMS.]
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
You can't pose for your cover photo like that.
Much better.
[SCREAMS.]
[SIGHS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[FLANDERS GROANS.]
Ned, would you like to say grace? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Heavenly Father, thank you for the blessing of being tested, losing my wife, losing my second wife, losing four jobs, and losing $23 at blackjack to Bart.
23 chips, so $2,300.
- I'll finish grace at home.
- Can you do that? Yes, I can do that! Oh, God, now the apologies are gonna start.
I apologize for my tone of voice, and for the things I said.
And now, as penance, I will get that skunk out of your birdhouse.
I don't care what you say, Marge.
We got to help him! I want to help him.
Good, good.
The ice queen begins to thaw.
Oh, Lord, give me a sign you're still with me.
Mm.
Poor Ned.
It really helps to eat your feelings.
I've got it! I know what job Ned can do! Well, go tell him.
He goes to bed in five minutes.
Ned, Ned! You should be what Jesus was! - A carpenter? - No.
- Fisherman? - No.
- Foot washer? - No.
- Wine creator? - No.
- Water walker? - No.
- Superstar? - No.
- Dashboard ornament? - No! A teacher.
I think you should be a teacher.
Like Jesus.
Lord, should I do it? And you shall receive it.
He's looking right at us, and he's not doing a thing! Duffman hates Duffmankind! Oh, yeah! Up in the morning and out to school The teacher is teaching the golden rule - - American history and practical math You studying hard I promised I wouldn't cry on his first day of school.
- [SNIFFLES.]
- Let's play the frozen game.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
So, rub-a-dub-dub, 30 kids and their sub.
Let's be friends, shall we? KIDS [CHANTING.]
: Teacher, teacher, you must quit.
You can't teach us math or lit.
There's no mercy in the bunch.
We will make you leave by lunch.
Martin Prince? Were you in on that poem? Oh, they paid me.
A gig's a gig.
Well, sir, I'm not scared off.
I got two little wild things at home.
Now, who can name the state capitals? - A dingus.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Well, in that case, I'm the biggest dingus in the world.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay, then, let's give Mr.
Flanders a room 4F salute.
[KIDS CLAMORING.]
Simpson, take the kill shot.
Why me? - Prove your loyalty.
- My loyalty to what? To peer pressure.
Bart Simpson, I know you we've been fishing together, we've gone to church together and if you can fire that spit wad after our long relationship, I don't deserve to be a teacher.
Aah! [GROANS.]
: Oh.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Last lesson, kids.
"F" is for foolish and failure and Flanders.
You win.
Yes? Look, what is your deal? Do you like me? Do you want to be like me? Lisa, I have something to show you.
- What? - I made you a little house.
There's me praying.
There's you at the computer.
I made you a saxophone out of dried macaroni, and the crackers on the roof they're solar panels.
Todd, I had you all wrong.
You're a wonderful kid, and I'm happy to call you my pal.
So glad I have a friend.
I'm really sick of my brother.
Okay, that's enough.
What's the matter, Homer? [SIGHS.]
I think I ruined Flanders' life.
- BART: Join the club.
- What are you doing here? I come here for a G&T gumball and talk.
Here you go, pal.
Listen, you've got to apologize to Flanders.
Why don't you apologize to Flanders? You're the one who prayed for him to get fired.
What? He should apologize to me, because he well, he he makes me feel so damn guilty! All right, I'll apologize, too.
What's she doing here? Hello.
She's my designated driver.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, fellas.
What brings you here? We came to say we're sorry, and we want you to go back to teaching.
Oh, with all I've been through, I've never questioned my faith until now.
You spit-wadded my moustache, boy.
I think you could be a great teacher.
Almost as good as her.
[SNIFFLES.]
Thank you, son.
Remember, if you can teach one kid one thing, then today will be a success.
She never gave up.
- Neither will I.
- Great.
Now, this counts as a parent-teacher conference and a Christmas concert.
Well, that's all well and good, but I got to get those kids to respect me.
Do people respect God? No, they fear him.
It's never personal, just business.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
Just leave everything to me.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- [WILLIE HUMMING.]
[KIDS CLAMORING.]
Listen up, children.
If you push hard enough on the pudding skin, there's a tough cup of vanilla beneath.
- Now take your seats.
- How you gonna make us? [BART HUMS.]
I won't.
The good Lord will.
- - [KIDS EXCLAIMING.]
Haw Huh? [WHIMPERS.]
The scariest thing is we don't have a class skeleton! [SCREAMS.]
Truly, God is the biggest bully of them all.
KIDS: Amen.
Now, Nelson, I'm not gonna ask you to stand and read me a list of state capitals, but the good Lord might be pleased.
Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta, Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Does the Lord hear the bell up there? Yes, son, he does.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
Thank you, Bart.
I knew deep within you, there was a good boy, and I respectfully request that those be the last two pranks you pull.
You know it, man.
FLANDERS: Wow, they're quiet.
I'm reaching them.
Edna was right.
MILHOUSE: Hmm.
Does that cute school nurse know that I'm alive? Because last time I left her office, I was legally dead.
SHERRI: I have to beat Terri to a training bra.
BART: I wonder how much I can sell Maggie for.
HAMSTER: I'm starting to think this wheel doesn't go anywhere.