The Simpsons s29e21 Episode Script

1 [GRUNTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
D'oh! [GRUNTS.]
[BELL CLANGING.]
- No electricity.
- D'oh! [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
Hardest test in the world? Who'd want to do that? [LAUGHS EXCITEDLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hey, Bart.
What you doing? They say this one single test can tell if you're a genius or not.
Huh.
Looks pretty simple to me.
It says only one out of every 400 people has the "spatial reasoning" to solve this maze.
Elon Musk and Angela Merkel both got perfect scores.
[PRONOUNCING CORRECTLY.]
: Angela.
Angela.
Oh, if you're so smart, let's see you solve the maze.
Let me at it! [RELAXING CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay, got through the first one.
Next one's a little harder.
Just gonna focus.
- [ZOMBIE ROARS.]
- [LISA SCREAMS.]
[LISA GRUMBLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
You passed the test, genius.
Epic sister fail! You better not post that! And post.
[LAUGHS.]
[GROANS.]
You scared me and denied me a genius test! Ooh! Well, when you got an opportunity to prank, you gotta take it.
Gotta take it.
- [PHONE CHIMING.]
- And the likes are pouring in.
Whoa! Sideshow Mel retweeted it to all his boneheads.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
KRUSTY: Are you almost done? You have your office.
This is mine! [PHONE CHIMING.]
[LAUGHS.]
I don't know how, I don't know when, but I super know why I'll get revenge on you, Bart Simpson.
Will you be wearing my underpants when that happens? - Ew! [SCREAMING.]
- And post.
Post.
Post.
Post.
Unpost! Unpost! -[GROANS.]
[ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE" OVER TV.]
[MARGE HUMMING.]
HOMER/MARGE/BART/LISA: The Internet is down! I don't know the score.
I don't even remember who's playing.
[STAMMERS.]
Okay, no Internet.
We can do what we did in the olden days, when I was a child.
[CHUCKLES.]
You better not be suggesting a board game.
I'm not playing anything with you ever again.
Okay, fine.
No board games.
HOMER: Dumb.
Useless.
Piece missing.
So flammable.
Okay, look, the TV still works, and I know we've seen all our DVDs a hundred times, so this could be the perfect time to break out Daddy's VHS collection.
Classic moments from a time when people used to tape the shows they loved, then never watch the tape again.
"Family Matters"? It certainly does.
"The Tracey Ullman Show"? [IMITATES WALTER MATTHAU.]
: Well, I've had my fill.
"Saved by the Bell"? The hit show that launched no one's career.
Now for the simple task of hooking up the VCR.
Okay, I need to connect magenta to magenta, set the tracking.
Marge, did I record these in long play or extended play? - What's the difference? - Long is shorter.
Gross! The remote has a cord on it.
My first remote.
Coincidentally, the same time I got fat.
[VCR WHIRRING.]
[GASPS.]
What is that noise? It's rewinding.
Listen to it speed up as it gets closer.
[WHIRRING SPEEDS UP, CLICKS, STOPS.]
ALL: Ooh! Well, that was fun.
Good night.
No, now we play it.
[ALPENHORN BLOWS.]
Ri-cola! I used to love that commercial.
Remember when I went as the horn for Halloween? Ri-cola! [IMITATES ALPENHORN.]
[HOMER AND MARGE LAUGH.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
Let's get physical, physical I want to get physical [BART AND LISA GRUNTING.]
No worries.
We just have to find a VCR repair store.
I'll look online, which I can't because there's no Internet! Damn it! Lisa, solve this.
I've solved enough puzzles today.
[BLOWS RASPBERRIES.]
- [HUMMING.]
- [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Well, Flanders' network is working.
Maybe we could ask him for the password.
You can't just ask someone for their password.
That's rude.
Come on, boy, let's go borrow his router.
How come all our father-son activities involve getting a TV back on? What about the time I watched you get out of that thing? - You mean when I was born? - That was fun.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.
That's right, boys.
Think about your possible deaths as you go to sleep.
Now let's look at my plans.
[MUFFLED TALKING.]
[CREAKING.]
Who's this ladder made for, babies? D'oh! - You'll have to climb it, boy.
- I'm a little scared.
Scared? What do we give you those meds for? So you can do less parenting? [CHUCKLES.]
Babysitter in a bottle.
Now, climb the ladder.
[HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS.]
So beautiful.
Almost there.
You just need to go up the last rung.
That's not a rung, it's the top.
- The top is a rung.
- No, it's not! - Let me check on Google.
- We don't have Internet! Maybe if I keep refreshing, it'll come back.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Oh, this is pointless.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Ooh! No.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
[WHIMPERING.]
MARGE [IN DISTANCE.]
: You guys need jackets! No, we're fine! D'oh! MARGE: The Internet's back on! [BELL RINGING, CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hmm.
Doctor, is he gonna be all right? Millions of volts coursed through his body.
But it was the amps that really messed with him.
But he should be fine.
According to his chart, Bart's had more comas than he's had hot breakfasts.
Well, I can't cook every morning.
Until he recovers, just talk to him.
Lightning victims are highly suggestible.
Your kind words could turn his coma into a trip to Hawaii, or a golf excursion to St.
Andrews, which is where I'm heading now.
[LAUGHS.]
[MARGE GRUMBLES.]
[LISA WHIMPERS.]
Well, when you got an opportunity to prank, you gotta take it.
Gotta take it.
But you're in a coma.
[CLUCKING LIKE A CHICKEN.]
Fine, I'll get revenge.
[QUIETLY.]
: You're gonna see dragons with pools of blood.
Oh, right, you like that.
Okay, scratch the dragons.
You're gonna see the one thing everyone's afraid of: death.
And dead people.
That's right, buddy.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
SINGERS [ITCHY & SCRATCHY THEME.]
: Right and left And right and right and left Left, left, left, right, right, right It's Bart's unconscious brain! Okay, Bart, your nightmare begins.
[IMITATES THUNDER.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
[GASPS.]
: Whoa! What happened? How long was I out? [DOOR CREAKS.]
[GASPS.]
Maude Flanders! I thought you were dead! I am.
[EERIE HOWLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Sweetie, we're gonna get something to eat.
- You want to come? - I'd rather stay with Bart.
In fact, I'd like to stay with him all night.
- Such a sweet girl.
- So sweet.
[BART GROANS.]
Aw, someone's not happy.
You know, that sign should be unnecessary.
- I'd better cheer him up.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
[SHOUTS.]
I'm going to add to your dream the worst thing I can imagine! Let me see.
Let me see.
Wazzup?! Milhouse.
What's going on, Bart? Are you into God now? I always was.
Look at those abs.
The secret is less loaves, more fishes.
I don't believe in some dopey religion.
This is to keep out ghosts.
Oh, this looks just like my first apartment with Ned.
I'm never leaving! Milhouse, have you ever been haunted? Once, my hamster died and then came back.
Actually, my parents bought a new one and thought I wouldn't know.
Then my dad's check bounced, and they repo'd the hamster.
You've got to talk to me, Bart.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone! The power of Homer's socks compels you! [MAUDE SCREAMS.]
Maybe you could use this, my therapist.
If you see him, can you give him this? Don't tell him I forgot to bring it back.
He'll say I kept it to get attention.
I don't need attention, Dr.
Sam! I knew it was Milhouse.
I knew it! What's on your mind, son? I'm scared to say.
You'll toss me in the loony bin.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bart, these days, there are no more loony bins.
All those people are on the streets.
- So how can I help you? - I've been talking to a ghost.
I know, you think I'm the nuttiest kid you've seen.
Oh, please, I can't tell you what a relief it is to not be talking to Milhouse.
Are you allowed to say stuff like that? No, but screw it.
[IMITATING MILHOUSE.]
: "My mom found my dad's other cell phone, boo-hoo.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
So you don't think I'm crazy? No.
Take a look behind the couch.
[GASPS.]
You're dead, too? Yeah, I killed myself five minutes before you got here.
Why would you kill yourself? Oh, I want my patients to think it's all their fault.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, if you'd been on time, you might've saved my life, but, you know, whatever.
[GROANS.]
Why is this happening to me? I don't know, but you have a gift! You can see the dead, Bart.
Why am I waiting for a bus? I can appear and disappear whenever I want.
And it's late.
Eh, that's far enough.
And, Bart, you can help us ghosts move on to what comes next.
By telling your family you love them? Uh, which family? I've led a complicated life.
No, to move on, I need you to get revenge on Dr.
Morton, with whom I share the office.
What have you got against him? He won't shut up about his Tesla.
Yes, yes, just as smart as I always thought I - [ZOMBIE ROARS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Thank you, Bart.
Now I can move on.
Uh-oh.
Wow, helping him felt really good.
- Help us, Bart.
- Help us.
Settle our beefs.
Beefs! Please help me get vengeance against all jet engines And then I will go to hell.
Didn't anybody finish their business before dying? All I want to do is return this hatchet.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
Okay, I want you to whack Johnny Tightlips, ice Fat Tony and put a hit on Joey Doublecross.
Who would've figured he'd rat me out? Ow! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Next.
You can't keep ignoring me! [BART GROANING.]
Um, Doctor, shouldn't he have woken up by now? Yes, he should.
Unless someone's been telling him bad things.
- What do you mean? - Anything negative someone says could do permanent damage to his brain function.
It could even kill him.
But you said he'd be fine! I said he'd be fine if you told him he was at a dolphin encounter on Maui.
But those dolphins aren't fine! They try to kill themselves! I said he'd be fine, not the dolphins.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Bart! Bart.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'll watch everything I say.
[GROANS.]
I had to walk nine blocks to get this.
- I am dead.
- [BART SHOUTS.]
- Dad, no! - Nine blocks.
I am dead.
Dead, dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
[LISA GASPS.]
Ugh, finally, you get to me.
Yeah, yeah, what's your unfinished business? Revenge, against the man who caused my death.
[SINGSONGY.]
: Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt! Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin! [SCREAMS.]
- [BODY THUDS.]
- [GASPS.]
You mean the guy who invented the T-shirt guns? - No.
- The guys who built the stadium - with a really low back wall? - No.
You, for standing up? No, your father, your stupid, stupid father! You know, some people grow when they die.
Not you.
See you, guys.
That was fun, getting every answer in Jeopardy! wrong.
Hmm, all that saying good-bye really made me thirsty.
Mmm.
Hmm? NELSON: Maude Flanders says hello.
Hello.
[GRUNTING.]
Let's move! Oh, thank you, Bart.
I'm finally at peace.
You know, Ned remarried.
He what?! [SIGHS.]
Well, that's it.
All the ghosts have been helped.
Except one.
Dad, you weren't supposed to die.
It was, it was just supposed to scare you.
Oh, don't worry.
Patricide is just a part of life.
Ooh, your vocabulary really goes up when you die.
- Dad, I'm so sorry I killed you.
- It's cool, I feel no pain.
[SHOUTS.]
Ooh, I was wrong.
It feels worse than in life.
Get away, you stupid cat! - [GRUNTS.]
D'oh! - [CAT YOWLS.]
Oh, I can't believe you're dead.
But at least I can still see you, while I help you with your unfinished business.
Well, I wanted to lose some weight, but I'm light as a feather now.
All that's left is for me to go into the light.
[HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING.]
You know how much you hate walking.
Stay with me.
Stay with me, Bart.
Stay with me.
Oh, Homie.
It's not your fault.
You were doomed when they started putting cheese into pizza crust.
What's next, plugging Swiss cheese with cookie dough? Peanut butter and hot dogs? Why isn't anyone writing these things down? [CRYING.]
I can't watch this.
I'm gonna go check in on Moe's.
I don't know what's wrong.
I served them lager.
Uh-oh.
I should go, son.
I leave this world without a care, knowing I raised two great kids, plus the one who murdered me.
[MONITOR BEEPS RAPIDLY, FLATLINES.]
No, Bart, you have to stay with me! [HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING.]
No, Dad, you have to stay with me! No, my time has come.
Man was not meant to live beyond the age of 39.
You have to stay.
If you leave, Mom will marry someone else.
I want her to be happy.
And someone else will raise your kids! [LAUGHS.]
Sucker.
And someone else will ride your mower.
That bastard! Still, it's time for me to move on.
Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful! [BART GASPING.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Dad! Why you little life-saving, heaven can waiting! Bart, I'm so sorry if I was ever mean to you, because even though you started it, you Sorry, sorry, I'm past that.
[CRYING.]
I love you, and I want you back, Bart Simpson.
[CRYING.]
BART [WEAKLY.]
: Lisa? Ah! He's awake! - Thank God.
- Lisa? Have you been by my side this whole time? I have.
Were you putting those bad dreams in my head? Yes.
- Can you teach me how to do it? - I guess.
And can you help me put Dad in a coma? No.
[CHEWING, MOANING.]
Oh, man, this is great.
But how do I know this isn't a dream, too? Because you're not wearing the sweater.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Wait a minute.
How did he know about the sweater? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Bart, did you see anything else when you were under? Just how we're all gonna die.
- Want me to tell you? - Not really.
Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Ouch I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere I knew it was a sandwich.
Yeah [COUGHING.]
[GROANS.]
Lost myself again And I feel unsafe Be my friend Hold me Wrap me up Unfold me [LAUGHS.]
I am small I'm needy Oh, my God! Now I realize, this has all been a waste of time.
And breathe me Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Now I'm the evil king.
Unfold me I am small I'm needy Warm me up And breathe me.