The Simpsons s31e03 Episode Script

1 Day-oh! AUDIENCE: Day-oh! D'oh! AUDIENCE: D'oh! - (horns honking) - Come on, out of my way! Where was this traffic when I was driving to church? - (horn honks) - Homie, calm down.
We're not going to miss the San Castellaneta Festival.
I love San Castellaneta.
Delicious food, wonderful people.
It's just like being in Italy.
But with streets that are wide enough I can fit in them.
(sucks on pacifier) And I love the rides that are dangerous because they're 100 years old.
(people groaning) (country music playing) (carnival music playing) Hold on, kids.
Here we go.
(chains clinking) I beat out a mule and an ox for this job.
The secret is not to ask for benefits.
Give me pizza, give me pasta Give me lots of cannoli I'll drink sambuca till I puke-a Then I'll finish with spumoni Drink until my legs are Jell-O Cheap red wine and limoncello (grunting) (laughter) (vocalizing) (Homer humming outside) You want us to bring you anything back from the festival, Tone? No.
It's all carbs.
I don't want people to think I'm fat.
But your name is Fat Tony.
It blends.
I can't believe you're not going, after I flew out your uncle from Sicily.
- Idiota! - That icy glare is why I left the old country.
Tightlips, you do a poor job of reading my moods.
But you're the only one I trust.
Go.
Enjoy your festival while I sit here bonding with my uncle.
Do you want to go to the festival, zio? (scoffs, spits loudly) I came to this country for the Burning Man.
Before I die, I want to see a naked crunchy chick riding a bicycle.
Everybody has a treat - (grunts) - (people gasp) - Opa! - That's Greek, Chief.
Hey, Lou, when's the festival for Saint Know-It-All? - Uh, I believe it's October the - There isn't one! Nobody likes a know-it-all.
Idiot.
Hey, we got a-zeppole, we got a-braciole, capicola, scungilli, and I don't know what the hell-a this is.
Can you make it all in one thing and fry it? I saw-a you coming.
Ooh.
This place looks interesting.
Dad, no, that's an actual church.
(shrieks) Welcome, everyone, to this festival that does not celebrate Christopher Columbus.
Repeat: not Columbus.
As we stand here at the corner of Niña and Pinta and Santa Maria, let us welcome your master of cere-spumonies, Aquaman himself, Jason Morororora.
(fanfare plays) It is an honor to be here on land today to recount the inspiring story of this great saint.
- Aquaman.
- Sign my left boob.
(grunts) Aquaman is not here for the signing of boobs.
That's a separate event at the Marriott.
Conference room C.
(conch blows) In 250 A.
D.
, Brother Ignatius Castellaneta refused to recant his Christian faith.
And so the Romans chopped off his head, they chopped off his arms, they chopped off his legs, and they chopped off his toes.
They shot him with arrows made of frozen snakes and they pulled out his eyes and replaced them with chocolate-covered pistachios.
But still, Ignatius refused to recant.
So they boiled his bones in sparkling cherry wine.
So that's why the thrice-martyred saint is remembered with spumoni, the chocolate pistachio cherry ice cream treat.
(retches) Ugh.
Not good.
Uh, yes, uh, thank you, Super-Fish.
And now, let us show our deep reverence for Jesus by festooning his statue with dollar bills.
Pin a dollar on Jesus, Homer.
He doesn't need money.
(whispers): I hear his father's loaded.
(Marge groans) Hey, where's my wallet? Yeah, my wallet's gone, too.
- My purse! - My belt! My clutch! We are the victims of a pocket-picking pandemic.
Do something, Wet Panther! Peter Piper picked a peck of pocket wallets? How many paupers did Peter's pocket picking produce? (sighs) I'm afraid no pants are safe from this Dockers stalker, this chino bandito, this trouser browser.
But Chief Wiggum vows he will solve this pickle of a puzzle.
Oh, I solved it, all right.
"Thief of polite.
" "Thief of polite.
" I said it first! Wiggum, I hate to interrupt this important police work "Police.
" That's it.
"Thief of police.
" Hey! I need that to switch to Access Hollywood.
You need a lot more than that.
I'm Lenora Carter, special investigator from the attorney general's office, and I'm taking over this case.
Uh, look, ma'am, you seem nice, but no one comes into my precinct and tells me what to do.
- Shut up and listen.
- Yes, ma'am.
You are the worst police officer I've ever had the pleasure of humiliating in front of his men.
(chuckles) You are so fat, you're good cop and bad cop.
Your drug-sniffing dog is in rehab.
Okay, it's for sex addiction.
You there, Riggs and Murtaugh.
Ha.
- Hmm.
- O-Oh.
It's time to do some real police work.
I see, fine.
No, go ahead.
I'll go work out my feelings on the gun range.
(gunfire) We don't have a gun range! - (gunfire) - (Wiggum screams) We'll trap the pickpocket by planting a wallet with a tracer in a rear end so huge, no criminal could miss it.
We need to find the biggest ass in town.
HOMER: Hello.
Could you direct me to the Office of Park Bench Removal? Yeah, just take a seat, sir.
Thank you, I have my own.
(vocalizing) I'm not letting my husband risk his life.
I admit it, I'm scared.
Ma'am, this is a matter of public urgency.
Your husband's rear end is bigger than the both of us.
(laughs) (humming) With your kids' permission, we can watch your father's butt crack this case wide open.
(Bart and Lisa laugh) (chuckles) "Wide open.
" Homer, we're placing this tracking device in your wallet.
Then you just have to put that sweet seat meat on the street.
Now let me pull your wallet up so it's just peeking over the pocket.
Uhp-bup-bup.
Allow me.
Pick a card.
Any card.
Thank God that thing is on our side.
I don't think you're ready for this 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe (audience booing) I don't think you're ready for this jelly I don't think you're ready for this 'Cause my body's too bootylicious for you, babe Baby, can you handle this? Baby, can you handle this? (whoops) - (beeping) - We've got our target.
(quietly): What are you doing here? (quietly): I admit it, I couldn't stay away.
I was following you.
Also, I was driving around to put Ralphie to sleep.
That kid will not go down.
I'm a lotto ball.
You lose again, Daddy.
We're going in.
Ah-ah-ah.
Except you.
(gunshot echoes) Ah, you work with two guys all your life and you think you know 'em.
Betrayed by Lou and, uh, the other guy.
What is his name again? (chuckles): I-I want to say Greg.
You know, Uncle, guests, like fish, stink after three days.
I told you once, I told you a thousand times, I'm not leaving until my wife forgives me.
- She's dead.
- You always take her side! Cops? What are you doing here? This is a setup.
W-What are these things? I was told this was an Asian fusion pop-up restaurant, but I see no Asian nor fusion.
Marion "Fat Tony" D'Amico, you're under arrest for heading a pickpocket ring.
But I've never seen these wallets before.
The-the room is spinning.
So this is what it feels like to be innocent.
(body thuds) And this is how it feels to be irrelevant.
Daddy's an elephant.
No-no, I'm not an elephant, Ralphie, and-and please don't you forget it.
("Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini playing) The Wolf of Wallet Street? (chuckles) Reputed mobster Fat Tony D'Amico is at last behind bars.
My wife.
My goomar.
My teacup pig.
(pig squeals) (Wiggum groans) What's wrong, Chief? Marge, you ever felt like life has passed you by, there's no point? Oh, you're just having a rough patch.
It happens to all men in their 50s.
I'm 38, Marge.
(Marge groans) Chief, do you know why I love my husband? For that most romantic of reasons: inertia.
I love him because he's not afraid to fail.
He has boundless unjustified confidence, and you should, too.
Really? You think so? Boy, suddenly, I-I see a break in the clouds.
I will not let you down, Marge.
Uh, Marge, can I get a ride to the station? Uh, Ralphie will stay with the car.
Dear Lord, who sees all, the jabronis and the mamalukes, you know I am innocent.
In your mercy and by your grace, help me kneecap the rat Judas who set me up.
Amen.
Almighty God, I'm not a praying man.
For me, getting down on my knees is often a one-way trip.
I-I know I made a deal with the devil to be chief, but please just ignore that and help me out, will ya? Dear Lord, please bring back plastic straws.
The paper ones get soggy so fast.
I brought the mob lawyer right away like you asked, boss.
They wouldn't even let me put my pants on.
I was barely able to grab my rate clock.
Al diavolo rate clock.
Get me out of here.
- And I mean fast.
- Patience.
Patience.
Okay, what have they got you on? (slowly): Murder one? (slowly): Murder two? Pickpocketing! Quit talking slow! (slowly): All right.
Actually, I'm innocent.
Innocent?! Innocent?! A judge wouldn't believe you for a second.
I've got nothing to work with here.
What would you even plead? You really did it this time.
- I didn't do it.
- (groans) - You want me to whack him, boss? - No! Just usher him out.
Got it.
I'll "usher him out.
" I mean show him the door.
Right.
I'll "show him the door.
" Whatever you think I want you to do, just do the opposite! (muttering in Italian) (speaking Italian) (both speaking Italian) The one crime I would never commit is pickpocketing.
Huh.
He seems sincere.
I am sincere.
When I was a boy, my father, Fatso Antonio, needed a heart transplant.
On its way to the hospital, that heart was pickpocketed.
My father died the way no made man should die: of natural causes.
(cries) Oh, my God.
I discovered a clue.
(chuckles) I found an electric toothbrush.
(Taser crackles) Well, he'll sleep good tonight.
I can tell he's innocent, with a certainty you can only develop putting hundreds of innocent people in jail.
DNA technology has not been my friend.
GUARD: Lights out! Psst.
Psst, psst.
Why do you "psst" me? I'm not going anywhere.
(quietly): I think you're innocent.
But you're gonna have to convince me to ignore your entire past history.
I was not born a rich man.
Where I grew up, there was one way out: your fists.
Or the many scholarships available to young Italian-American students.
But the forms required information, and I ain't no snitch.
All right, I'm losing my confidence.
You did it, didn't you? I swear on this former priest that I didn't do it.
He's not guilty.
- And I know guilty.
- And I can prove it.
- Well, go ahead.
- I said I can prove it.
I didn't say I would.
Well, why wouldn't you? Because what I was actually doing at the time is something a mob boss cannot do and let people know.
If you help me, I swear an oath we'll find the guy that framed you.
All right, I will show you what I was doing when the heist went down.
(groans): Oh.
It's so embarrassing, it has to be true.
Give me your phone.
This is what I do every day at that time, the time of the crime.
As you will see, I walk into my private space, I gargle, and then, God help me, I - Good times and bum times - ("I'm Still Here" playing) I've seen them all and, my dear I'm still here Plush velvet sometimes Sometimes just pretzels and beer (grunts) But I'm here Now you know.
When I'm alone, I sing show tunes.
You didn't steal those wallets.
You stole my heart.
Leave it on.
Ten years a mob boss, hits and whacks Bought judges and mayors, and never paid tax - Okay, that's enough.
- (music stops) Definitely enough.
We're gonna get you out, today.
(groans) Appreciate the offer, Chief, but prison has changed me.
Now I'm thinking I should just give up, serve out my term, then sit in the warm sun outside the butcher shop.
Isn't that what you always did? Yeah, but every few hours, someone would whisper something into my ear, then I had to decide whether to nod or shrug.
It was very stressful.
The agita.
Uh, I thought you wanted to get the guy who put you here.
I do.
Well, we will, if you will wear a wire.
I'm sorry, but on principle, that is something I cannot do.
Let me repeat: something I cannot do.
(tires screech) Now, remember the phrase to call for help.
- What phrase? - "Remember the phrase.
" I will.
What phrase is it? "Remember the phrase.
" I would if you would tell me what it is.
The phrase is "remember the phrase.
" That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Just remember, your life depends on us.
Oh, and please, no profanity.
I play these for the missus when we're, uh, we're getting in the mood.
(laughs) (groans) A toast to Fat Tony, a man like a Botticelli nude: fat, old and easy to frame, huh? (laughter) Hello, fellas.
Fat Tony.
I was just saying how much we missed you.
Huh? Huh, guys? - Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, we said that.
- (nervous murmuring) Quiet! I don't want to hear anybody but Frankie the Squealer.
W-W-What do, w-what do you want to hear from me? The name of the man who framed you? I would never.
I didn't say Johnny Tightlips.
I would never say Johnny Tightlips.
Ladies and gentlemen, our new boss, Johnny Tightlips.
So, it was you, Johnny.
- What? Hey! Whoa! - You! After all your passive-aggressive replies and bitter looks, I never would've guessed.
You mistook my taciturn nature for fealty.
But it was simply that I didn't feel comfortable in social situations.
Then I saw this commercial where a sad cloud goes on a date with the sun.
So I talked to my doctor about Paxil, and it gave me the confidence to betray you.
(agreeable chatter) This is my crew now.
Ain't that right, Jimmy Kissass? You was always my favorite.
What about you, Sonny Go-along? I'm good if everyone else is.
- Willie Whatever? - Whatever.
And you, Joey Can't-Read-the-Room? You're nuts! Ain't none of us gonna go along with this! Yeah, see, that's You didn't that's not (bottle shatters) ("Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey playing) Just a small town girl I'm surprised Maggie isn't here.
Lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Mmm, this pasta's delicious.
I'm gonna find out what the sauce is.
Remember the phrase.
WIGGUM (over radio): Remember what phrase? - Oh, right.
- (siren wailing) Ooh, sauce.
Oh! I'm hit! Right in the heart of your ass.
Someone's got to suck out the bullet.
Wiggum, damn it, this is what you were born to do.
(sucking) - Don't stop - (music stops abruptly) There he is.
We thought we were gonna lose you for a minute there, champ.
(laughs) You have the chief here to thank.
His quick suction may have saved your life.
(hoarse): Thank you.
Well, Wiggum, I have to say, when I first met you, I thought you were totally incompetent.
(chuckles) And? - And? - (tires screech) And?! A-And?! And?! I believe in you, Chief.
And, yeah, that-that's enough.
The three of us, we are not that different.
Whoa! Hey, whoa! What's this guy talking about? We are cicciobomba, who like to sit in the sun and enjoy a nice prosciutto.
Cicciobomba, prosciutto.
You guys make garbage sound good.
We call garbage spazzatura.
Mmm garbage.
- (laughter) - Garbage.