The Simpsons s31e05 Episode Script

HOMER: Make way! (GRUNTS) D'oh! Get ready for fun, kids.
Fun that begins with sunblock.
(HUMMING) Come on, Maggie.
You don't want to grow up to look like Grampa.
Ugh, I can't enjoy seeing animals treated like this.
It must be horrible spending every day trapped behind a pane of glass.
It ain't great.
Sweetie, if they're so unhappy, why are they wagging their tails? - That's how fish swim.
- Well, I say they're happy.
Penguin funerals at 12:00, 2:00 and 4:00.
("TAILGATE RAMBLE" PLAYING) The killer whale is called an apex predator because there's nothing that can eat it.
Nothing that can eat it, eh? (LAUGHS) No.
No.
This just got weird.
And now for our biggest star, it's lunchtime.
I need a small child out here.
You get on out there, Hors D'oeuvre.
(CHEERING) (ALL GASPING) No worries, folks.
I lost my arm years ago.
(LAUGHTER) Can we please go home? This "fun" place is about to make me cry.
Homer, why don't you take Maggie for a stroll and we'll check out that mermaid over there.
Oh, that tail is so fake.
(LAUGHTER) Smithers, can we splash the people - dining at that fine restaurant? - As you wish, sir.
(SCREAMING) I love Sunday fun.
Mm You know, sweetie, I always wanted a boat, but my dad could never afford one.
Sitting on the dock of the bay Missing all my school today Getting dumb (WHISTLING) Knock off that whistling.
Men have good times in silence.
Daddy, will we ever get a boat? Are you kidding? We couldn't even afford worms.
- Oh - - (SNIFFLING) - Aw, don't cry.
Have some Scottish feel-good juice.
Okay.
- (GRUNTS, COUGHS) - Come on.
Drink up.
- (WHIMPERS) - (CHUCKLES) By the standards of the day, I'm a great father.
Mm Nice boat, huh? I sell boats.
Wish you could have one? Yeah, but I'll never own a boat.
It's just a dream, like doing a sit-up.
(CHUCKLES) Don't be so sure.
I don't know what you do for a living, but me? I'm in the dream business.
I thought you sold boats.
Make up your mind, liar.
(LAUGHS) Now I could get in big trouble for doing this, but if you buy this boat now for the listed price, I'll throw in this genuine captain's hat.
Don't tell my manager.
What do you think I am, an idiot? This hat isn't even adjustable.
- It's one-size-fits-all.
- Deal.
Wha No, wait, my wife will kill me.
You think your wife's gonna kill you when she's sipping margaritas as the sun sets, her hair blowing softly in the ocean breeze? Her hair doesn't blow.
It kind of clangs.
Look, ask any financial planner and they'll tell you that getting a boat is a better investment than getting a divorce or opening a bookstore.
One more thing and I'm convinced.
I'll give you this little pin from a defunct yacht club.
Sold.
Hey, uh, what's this little hook thing on it? That's an anchor.
You're gonna be a fine yachtsman.
(MOANS) (GASPS) Oh, my God, your dorsal fin has collapsed.
Don't you see? She doesn't have enough space to swim.
That thing is huge.
This park is cruel and inhumane.
Empty the tanks.
Pull the plug! I'll be back.
You can't silence me.
I aw.
So cute.
(SIGHS) Thrown out of another amusement park.
- Take me with you.
- Not enough seat belts.
What do you do with a drunken salesman? He goes home to his wife.
Finally moved that old cabin cruiser.
No one spots a sucker like you.
LET ME GUESS: Overweight guy, midlife crisis? Mm.
The kind of fat where you don't even know how old they are.
- How was your day? - Beautiful.
Sold a Jacuzzi to someone who came in to use the phone.
Did you gouge him on the dipping attachment? Wholesale plus three grand.
Ooh.
You get over here.
(CHUCKLES) Make me an offer.
(BOTH LAUGH) Smooth.
Bart, I need your help (GROANING): Go away.
- with a prank.
- Oh, what do you need? Hot sauce? Cow heart? Fire ants? Oh.
They're gone.
How could fire ants get out of a paper bag? Thank you, Lord, for these fire ants entering my nose, biting my brain, testing my faith.
But I will (SHOUTS) Damn it, where's the spray? Thanks for helping us free that whale, Willie.
Aye.
Now, to put on me camouflage.
Man, you really know this place.
I work here in the summer.
Unlike you children, the fish don't make fun of me.
(SQUEAKING) Just 'cause you're cuter than me don't mean you're better than me.
You're not even a fish! (SQUEAKING) Unless I miss me guess, these are the orca tank controls.
(WHISPERS): This guy's good.
We'll open the seawater gate and she'll go straight in the ocean.
(GRUNTING) Uh, I believe it's lefty loosey.
Everything in this country is backwards and wrong.
Thank God.
A way off the ship.
We did it.
We set a captive animal free.
Pretty cool, huh, Bart? Look how happy that thing is.
Lis, this is a new feeling.
We helped a whale be free and now I feel wonderful.
What you're searching for is "altruism.
" - (GRUNTS) - Ow.
And that's called karma.
Are you happy, Willie? I'll show you.
Air bagpipes.
(IMITATING BAGPIPE) Okay, I'm gonna take the blindfold off.
Don't ask questions.
Don't probe for answers.
I'll just pretend I don't know we're on a dock next to the water.
Look where we are.
A dock next to the water.
Aw.
You got a boat for the day.
Did you bring beer and sandwiches? Why don't you open that? Hey, Midge, got your beer and sandwiches right here.
Come on, Maggie, get on Daddy's wap and take the wheel.
That's right, maximum thwottle.
(MOTOR REVS) Vroom, vroom.
Maximum thwottle.
Ooh, you're hydwopwaning.
Yes, you are.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! 88 years old and never learned to swim.
What a wonderful day, Homie.
It's like we're living in the painting over our couch.
HOMER: Our marriage has never been better.
Time to risk it all.
Okay, guess whose boat this is.
I hope it's not Johnny Depp's.
He's already in so much financial trouble.
Brace yourself, baby.
It's ours.
(GASPS) You bought this boat? No.
We bought this boat.
You just weren't aware.
(GRUNTS, EXHALES) - You know what? It's okay.
- Are you nuts? You went out and got something the whole family could enjoy.
- Let's live a little.
- Oh, my God, Marge.
What's happened to you? I admit it.
You've worn me down.
You're my little polished gem.
Aw.
Mwah.
(CHUCKLES) What do you think, Dad? (CRYING): Oh, you did it, son.
You actually did it.
You found a parking spot at the marina.
- Oh, I never - No, Dad.
I got a boat.
- Get on.
- Oh, sure.
I Wait a minute.
You're gonna kill me and dump me overboard.
Well, fine.
Here's my will.
- HOMER: Oh, come on now, - I'm not gonna kill you.
That's 'cause you're a lazy bum.
Now, come on, give me a hug.
- Ooh.
- Aw.
(MOTOR CLATTERING, BACKFIRING) - Nice boat.
- I'm the owner.
Very nice.
I must tell you, she's running a little rough.
(LAUGHS) Aren't we all? (CHUCKLES) Good one.
Listen, uh, I'm a mechanic, and I think you're going to need my help.
Your boat is used, and it needs repairs now.
Why now? - It's sinking.
- (SHRIEKS) So, Milhouse, it turns out I'm addicted to altruism.
I'm not gonna be happy till I set another animal free.
If I wanted to hang out with Lisa, I'd hang out with Lisa.
No, you wouldn't.
Now I can't free another fish because they've increased security at the water park.
This is great.
I got a flashlight, walkie-talkie, big old ring of keys.
But I found something else we can set free.
NARRATOR: Meet LoLo the gorilla.
Powerful, intelligent.
She can sign five words.
"Friend," "enemy," "kill," "vodka" and "Seinfeld.
" You know she wants out.
Now for security, I'll say the rest in Pig Latin.
Ee-way, ill-way, oh-gay, oh-tay, ee-thay, oo-zay.
We're going on eBay? Ay-yay arumba-cay.
(PHONE RINGS) - Yello.
- Are you sitting down? Of course.
Fixed your boat.
Here's the total.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
There is one hope: Share your expenses.
Pull your friends into the black hole with you.
Yes, sir.
You're supposed to disappear now.
Yeah, I will, but that's another hundred.
D'oh! (SIGHS) - Hey, Homer.
- What's the problem? (SIGHS) I feel terrible, just terrible.
Oh, yeah? Why's that? Because I have been withholding an incredible opportunity from you guys.
My apologies.
Got to go.
Did I hear, "Wait, wait"? - No.
- We're good.
Okay, 'cause it's really, really incredible.
See you.
Leaving now.
On my way.
Last chance.
Buh-bye.
Eh? Eh? Eh? (PHONE RINGS) Yello.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's the opportunity? I don't know, Lenny.
I mean, I need someone with genuine enthusiasm.
- Understood.
Have a good ni - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do you want to go in on a boat with me? We share expenses, we split the time.
If you agree, continue breathing normally.
I don't know.
I heard that sharing boats can ruin friendships.
Well, somebody better tell Carl 'cause he is in.
Wait, I don't want to be left out.
I'm in! (CHUCKLES) Glad to hear it.
Could you put Carl on? (CHUCKLES) We brought our old college stereo.
Let's let everyone in the water know some big shots are having a wild time.
I love to work at nothing all day And I'll be taking care of business Every day (MUFFLED): Taking care of business Every way Yeah, those fish are hearing some awesome B.
T.
O.
right now.
Why don't you take the throttle, dear.
(MOTOR REVS) Oh, I feel it! I feel the power.
You know, I thought we were just dating casually.
It wasn't going anywhere.
But now, will you marry me? (STAMMERS) I, uh This is not a no! Taking care of business Every day.
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) Okay, I've got it.
What she doesn't know is there's an overgrown vine behind her where she can climb up to freedom.
One of us has to get in there and show her how to do it, but which one? Uh, did I ever mention that I'm allergic to gorilla fur? Dang! The one thing I'm not allergic to.
You know, this time I really thought Bart was gonna do it.
- I'll do it next time.
- I know you will, buddy.
- (LOLO ROARS) - Ah! Oh! (PANTING) (MILHOUSE WHIMPERS) (ROARING) We got a problem.
Two problems.
So this is what it's like to be in a loving family.
(BUZZING) - (PHONE BUZZING) - (GROANS) Hello? - Lis, altruism sucks.
- You idiot.
You set a fish free because it has an ocean to swim in.
If you set a gorilla free, it goes into the city and it gets killed.
"The Great Esc-Ape"? A gorilla mysteriously freed from the Springfield Zoo is wreaking havoc all over town.
The police, as always, are useless.
WIGGUM: Not true, Kent.
We've located the gorilla.
He's on the top of a store next to a sign reading, "You'll Go Ape For Our Bargains.
" Uh, yeah, I think that's a balloon, Chief.
Prove it.
- (AIR HISSING) - Happy, Lou? You just shot a balloon.
I love boat ownership.
Spending every weekend polishing brass.
I feel like Larry Ellison.
I had the espresso maker mounted on gimbals, so when the big waves hit, they won't ruin the foam art on our cappuccino.
Foam Lenny, you're my hero.
Hey, who are all these people? I, uh, may have sold some extra shares, so I'm afraid these are all co-owners.
Co-owner I be, says me.
Yarr.
Duffman wants to impress his new stepkids.
What do you think, Kyle? My father died from drinking your product.
We have a lot to work on.
Oh, yeah! All these people are co-owners? Even Cat Lady? Now she's Catamaran Lady.
- (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) - (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) There's too many people, I can't move.
Okay, cast off.
Hey, my cappuccino head.
Well, at least I can swim to shore.
(PANTING) Eh, eh, this is, this is too hard.
Hey! Hey, I can stand! Eh, no, it's just too hard.
Perhaps music will calm her down.
One, eight, seven, seven, cars for kids.
(ROARING) Ah! My screenplay! LoLo.
LoLo! "Friend.
" "Friend.
" (ROARS) Oh, no, I accidentally signed "fiend.
" - Look, I'll help you find safety.
- (SNIFFING) I just have to convince you I'm your friend.
How? How? (SEINFELD THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPS) Seinfeld.
- (ROARS) - Newman.
If this was just a little bit looser, it would be the best thing in the world.
(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Sir, I would like to return my boat for a full refund.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Perhaps James Cameron would take an interest in your sunken ship, but my responsibility ended at ka-ching.
You sold me a lemon.
Mm-hmm, people like lemons.
They're good for your voice.
With your smooth talk, you could convince anyone of anything.
You like my lapels? You want to buy the jacket? - Yes.
- (CHUCKLES) 50 bucks.
(LAUGHS) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm also in another business: Smuggling meth inside bicycle tires.
Thanks for the free bike.
Just get it to Mexico by tomorrow.
Ba-ja! MARGE: Lisa, what are you doing? Um, I'm in my bedroom with Dad.
- Oh, that's sweet.
- (BOTTLE SHATTERS) - FLANDERS: Watch it! - Oh.
Homie, I told you to stop doing that.
Y'all bring your gorilla here.
We'll teach him to ride and shoot, and soon it'll be a Planet of the Apes.
Whoops.
No.
Here at U.
T.
A.
, United Talented Apes, we'll shave your gorilla and make him a body double for Bruce Willis, and if he behaves even a little, he could become Bruce Willis.
Next.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You're perfect.
Will you take my ape? Dr.
Goodall, I can't thank you enough for saving LoLo.
LoLo.
That's what they called her in captivity, but I've given her a new name, one worthy of such a magnificent creature: Popo.
And may I just tell you, you've always been my hero.
Thank you.
But I wonder, how many female scientists have you told they're your hero? In your field? Um, only three.
Oh, well.
Good enough.
We'll take fine care of PoPo.
- See you soon.
- Wait.
Come back.
Take me with you.
I want a life exactly like yours.
Well, so do hundreds of others, but still, you might get lucky if you work really hard and get a doctorate.
Would you give me a scholarship? No, you'd have to save up, like I did.
Then there's a slight chance you'll have me? Well, very slight, but don't give up.
That is the most encouraging thing I have ever heard.
Lis, thanks for undoing the damage of my good deed.
I'm glad you've come to understand the importance of altruism.
Altruism rocks! Like when you let something go and it smashes everything.
Next, I want to altruism a rhino.
Then I'm gonna altruism a robot with sledgehammers for hands.
Sometimes I just want to sit back and watch the whole world altruism.
Look, the gorillas have picked up some new habits from your father.
Yeah, but Homer picked up some cool gorilla moves, too.
(GRUNTING) Oh - Well, I never.
- (ANGRY CHATTER) Okay, okay, I know you're mad, but because there are so many of us, we each just lost a little.
And I just want to say, for the rest of your life, you'll know that you're just as good as someone who owns a boat because you owned a boat for five minutes.
Well, you did give us something for our money Great memories.
And look what someone in Japan sent back to me.
Three cheers for Homer.
ALL: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! ANNOUNCER: Foam Lenny on Fox! Fridays at 8:00, because we've got nothing else.