The Simpsons s31e10 Episode Script

1 ("DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING) Ho, ho, ho! D'oh! Ho, ho! - - (CAWS) And now to order my Christmas gifts with plenty of time.
(TIRES SCREECH) Hmm.
UPS tracking says my packages just arrived.
All I have to do is look down.
D'ah! Who could've done this? Who? Ding-dong, merrily on high In heaven the bells are ringing Ding-dong, Bart is gonna die His little neck I'm stringing.
(SINISTER LAUGHTER) Hmm.
Needs tinsel to reflect the horror in Bart's eyes.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, a visitor.
Coming.
Ahoy! Are there any lonely lighthouse keepers abaft here? (SIGHING): Oh, hello, Cassandra.
Surprise! I made you muffins.
You want to know a secret? I used two sticks of butter.
Do you have any deep dark secrets? - - (GRUNTING) (GROANING) - - Merry Christmas, Father! (CHUCKLES) Stay out of trouble.
(WIND GUSTING) Nope.
No secrets.
So, have you ever thought about children? Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta kiss me! (KISSING) Oh, if you'll excuse me, my gimbals need a good whale oiling.
- Ta! - Oh, you might get some other visitors.
I mentioned you in town today.
You told people about me? What did you tell them?! What?! That you had kind eyes, a beautiful voice, and no wedding ring.
- There he is! - (GASPS) I was a fool to let my guard down with a woman who runs a seaward-aiming Fresnel lens! From hell's heart I stab at thee! Oh, my God.
Just listen to that mellifluous baritone.
He's perfect for the role.
Role? Role? You're offering me an acting job? Yes! It's to play Santa Claus at a small amusement park.
Oh, what the hell.
It is the lead.
I'm in! Dinner is served.
- - ("CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING) - - Hey, let's see what's on your tag.
"Cadaver-sniffing dog"?! Ah, that's another job I didn't get.
(TIRES SCREECH) It's gone.
My porch repair kit is gone! (BLOWING FORCEFULLY) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (ENGINE RUNNING) D'oh! (GRUNTING) A little help! (CHUCKLING) Another crafts project gone out of hand? Yes.
If you're not tied up tomorrow, I took the day off from work.
I was thinking we could watch an R-rated movie.
Finally, the sexy story of Tony Roma's ribs.
But tomorrow I promised the kids I'd take them out of school.
It can be our family day.
Yawn.
We'll go to Santa's Village.
Oh, I hate that place.
It's so crowded at Christmas.
And the giant candy canes are not real.
But they are electrified! Well, we're going and taking the kids.
Why couldn't that be me? - Homer! - Oh - - (HORNS HONKING) Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo - Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo - Oh, God, I'm so sick of this.
- Thing just keeps going on and on.
- Baby shark, Mommy shark - Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo - I don't want to hear a shark - or "baby" or "doo" ever again.
- Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo - Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo - Marge, you traitor! - It's so catchy.
- Mommy shark - Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo - Oh, what the hell.
ALL: Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Daddy shark.
Play this at my funeral! (GRINDING) Why do the low-budget parks we go to have so many white trash idiots? Oh! Boy, that's good.
Why? Why? Well, I'm getting right in line for Santa.
Eight hours to see a fat lazy drunk-o? I came to this park to get away from one.
Wow.
Even Chanukah Hollow is packed.
- - ("I HAVE A LITTLE DREIDEL" PLAYING) Check out the Dreidel Casino.
Come on, gimmel, gimmel, gimmel! Ah, shin again! I thought this would be the one part of Judaism I'm good at.
(CHUCKLES) (GROANS) Typical.
The one ride is a stupid, boring kiddie ride.
At least you get to have fun.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (CACKLING) It's a scary place in the world outside Gnomes are watching you, so you'd best not cry Don't display any fear, this we know Yes, it's clear, all our eyes Are watching you It's a scary place in the world outside Gnomes are watching you, so you'd best not cry Don't display any fear, this we know, yes, it's clear All our eyes are watching you.
(CAMERA CLICKS) Hey, buddy, thanks for saving me a spot.
Bart, you cut the bullies.
(GRUNTS) In this situation, we assign equal blame to the cutter and the cuttee.
Let him go.
I don't want to get blood on my Christmas sweater.
Oh, there's gonna be blood on your sweater, all right.
I just said I didn't want that! (GRUNTING) - - (HUMMING) - - (GRINDING) Hello, young man.
Climb right up.
Santa? Bartholomew Simpson.
- You don't know me, but - Oh, but I do.
Hello-ho-ho, Bart.
Sideshow Bob! Merry Christmas.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) He's in a good mood.
Yes.
This is the year I get the monkey.
I keep telling you, a monkey is a huge responsibility.
I'm raising a kid.
I think I can raise a monkey.
(THUNDER CRACKLES) (YELLING) So easy.
After all these years, I get to watch the life drain from your eye, your I I can't kill you! - Want to know why? - Mm, nah.
I am a trained method actor.
I inhabit my roles.
Like Daniel Day-Lewis in Phantom Thread.
Or Mike Myers in The Love Guru.
Why should I trust you? Because I am utterly incapable of stepping out of character.
I am Santa Claus.
The jolly old elf himself.
Ho, ho, ho.
MAN: So can we get in to see you? 15-minute break.
Santa's making presents.
Ooh - - (ALL GROANING) I'm telling you, this is Sideshow Bob! - He tried to kill me! - Well? I am a card-carrying seasonal Santa.
Kris Kringle Union, Local 5732.
Hey, I was a mall Santa, too.
I still wear the belt.
Uh, if you're gonna spend this much time with our Santa, you have to pose for a photo.
Photos with Santa, $40.
Marge, just take one with your phone! - Got it.
- Run! This will stop the jerks who've been stealing packages off my porch: a decoy with an exploding dye marker inside.
You don't think you packed in a little too much gunpowder? Relax.
I learned how to do this from my Uncle Two Fingers.
Oh, my God.
You're the package thief? (TIRES SCREECH) (FEEBLE MUTTERING) Lenny.
Who did this to you? Can you say it? - Eh.
- Can you whisper it? Eh.
Can you write it with your blood? Ooh.
I'm a little worried our Christmas packages haven't arrived.
Marge, relax.
There's plenty of time.
It's 8:00 p.
m.
Christmas Eve! Just sit back and watch this Fox News yule log.
("SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING) - - We interrupt this yule log with a special report.
Package delivery thefts continue in Springfield.
Local man Leonard "Lenny" Leonard had his jingle bell rung in a package deal gone boom.
Our only clue is these initials next to the corpse.
He's not a corpse.
He's breathing.
- I say he's a corpse.
- (BLOWS) And I say I'm not.
Uh (SCOFFS) you don't get a vote.
(GASPS) "S.
B.
" is Sideshow Bob! That's what he's up to.
He's stealing Christmas! A fellow Santa could not steal Christmas.
I know who this mysterious "S.
B.
" is.
Welcome to jail, Selma Bouvier.
Uh, tell Scott Bakula, Steve Ballmer and Sandra Bullock they're off the hook.
I should've been back at NCIS: New Orleans two hours ago.
Why don't you just Quantum Leap there? Why don't you learn how to be a cop, fatso? I loved it! Mistaken identity! I sold ten, ten season tickets to the guys in my cell.
Everything we do is successful, booyah! Santa's Village, please.
What do you want to go there for? (SCOFFS) I'm saving Christmas.
Every kid thinks they're doing that this time of year.
And as for you, Santa's Village is closed, I'm afraid.
If I wanted your life story, I would've taken an Uber.
Well, that shuts me up.
I'm not gonna leave till I find out what Bob's up to.
If you don't hear from me in one hour, call the police.
I have my own problems, Bart.
My mom just locked my dad out in the snow.
He keeps tapping at my window.
She said if I open it, no presents.
- Useless.
- Don't hang up.
(LAUGHS) Classic evil villain mistake.
Life goals?! Don't pooh-pooh.
Now for God's sake, how can I convince you that I am not going to kill you?! Find the person who stole the presents.
Very well.
I shall begin by clearing my initials, catching the true "S.
B.
" and, if I must, save Christmas for everyone.
Now let me drive you home.
You want me to ride with you? Fine.
Shotgun! Let's roll.
Shotgun means you pay the tolls.
So I'm here to save Christmas, and here's my plan.
First, I conceal myself within this box.
(ALL GASP) Where'd you learn how to do that? When you ride cross-country in a clown car, you learn a lot.
(SHUDDERING LAUGH) - (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) - HOMER: Who knew? - Brava! - Who knew? SIDESHOW BOB: Thank you.
Now, Homer, gently place me on the porch, and when they steal me, follow them to their lair.
Will do.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (GRUNTING CONTINUES) Ah! - And (GRUNTS) - Ah! Godspeed.
They'll be here any minute.
(CAMERAS CLICKING) (BELLS JINGLING) (STRAINING): Can't breathe.
(BREATHING DEEPLY) ALL: Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, S.
B.
is Smithers and Burns! Since when does Smithers go first? The jig is up! Also, leg cramp.
Ow.
The police are on their way.
Who will they believe? You or the billionaire who just sent them a Montgomery Ward's cheese log? Mr.
Burns, why did you do this? Ooh, general Scroogeyness.
No, it's deeper.
It's much deeper than that.
(GASPS) I think Mr.
Burns is depressed.
Ooh, you're a very perceptive girl.
(MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) - That's close enough.
- (MUSIC STOPS) I just wanted everyone to experience the same Christmas heartbreak that I once did.
Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast of Stephen.
Papa, sweet Papa, may I sit on Santa's lap? Well, I don't know.
Santa Claus, giving away free toys, undercutting my friends, Bill Mattel and Fred Hasbro.
Please? (SHOUTS) Well, what's on your wish list, little boy? A Rockford sock monkey, Studebaker pedal car, or the most popular gift this year, an orange.
All I want is a hug from my mommy and a smile from my daddy.
Oh, well I'm sure there's a hug and a smile on their way to you right now.
Ho, ho, ho.
Next.
What do you want for Christmas? I want you to marry my mom like you said you would.
Next! - - BURNS: Christmas day came I'm here to take you to boarding school.
- On Christmas Day? - Hey, no traffic.
BURNS: The next time I saw my parents, they weren't in a smiling mood.
Too late! You two never gave me anything except $100 million.
Santa lied.
But, Monty, you misunderstood me.
Ho, ho, ho.
Santa? It can't be.
Monty, it's 1935, and this is Gimbels Department Store, with the toy train in the window and Maxie the elevator man.
You're looking at the lingerie department.
You can look.
It's okay.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
Yes.
Yes! I am a child again.
And the truth is, your parents did love you, not with hugs and kisses, but with something better they made you strong.
Where are all the other tycoons from your day? Broke, dead, a lot of #MeToo.
But you're the richest, most ruthless man in town, thanks to your parents' love.
It's true.
Smithers, it's Christmas, which is a work day for you, so help me out.
- And it's my birthday.
- Don't expect two presents.
- Christmas - The snow's coming down - Christmas - I'm watching it fall Christmas My raisins came! - Mmm! - (SIGHS) Well, at least he's eating.
Christmas Huzzah for Mr.
Burns! God bless us, every one.
Seriously, this is, this is really nice.
- - ("CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING) (YAWNS) We did it.
Got all the presents under the tree.
I'm lucky because no one could possibly steal my gift.
All I want is one peaceful moment to hold my wife in my arms.
Aw.
BART: It's Christmas! Awake already? - (CHUCKLES) Slide whistle.
- Kazoo! (ALL PLAYING INSTRUMENTS) (QUIETLY): Meet me in the basement.
Okay.
Picture time.
Janey, haven't you learned that silly tune yet? You play it over and over again.
Now stop it, stop it! That girl is pretty bad at the piano.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Ugh.
Hello, Cassandra.
I brought you a Christmas present.
(GRUMBLING) I know who you are, and I know what you've done, and I want you to kiss me.
- You really should go - It's 20 below - I can't have you here - Just get me a beer - I'm being a gent - I'm giving consent You are quite inviting I will put it in writing BOTH: Baby, it's cold outside.
(CRASHING) Yarr.
Will someone turn on the damn light?! A little late, don't you think? Yarr! Steve.
Psst.
Steve.
Wait.
Sorry, I'm just about ready to leave your wonderful town.
Great place.
Fantastic! The best Springfield I've ever been in.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Can you teach me to do that? - - Do what? This is just me.
Fantastic coffee! Send a truckful to Seattle.
How can you possibly be so happy? - It's in you, too.
- I really don't think so.
Monty, look me in the eye.
I don't know if I can.
(NECK CRACKS) You're amazingly alive, you're rich beyond any sense of justice, you're C.
Montgomery Burns.
- Whoo! - (WEAKLY): Whoo.
- (BONES CRACK) - Ow! (GROANING) Hurt yourself on the landing, huh? No, on the way up.