The Simpsons s31e15 Episode Script

1 Am I the only one who remembered daylight savings time? CONVICT: Been here 17 years.
Been on the HBO, the Netflix and one House Hunters International.
But now I got two new hotshot lawyers working my case.
No sign of a struggle, no DNA evidence in the cabin and no attractive young woman declared missing.
I think there's a very real chance no one was murdered.
I was on the jury that convicted him.
Had we known there was no victim, we might not have voted guilty.
I repeat, might not.
Fantastic news.
We got picked up for a second season.
And my appeal? Mostly to women 25 to 54.
Oh.
You mean "appeal" appeal.
Oh, well, that's not happenin.
(BABBLING) (ALL BABBLING) What is it, sweetie? Are you gassy? Uh, when is she not gassy? Baby burn.
(MOANS) If only you could talk.
It's the people who can't speak that have so much to share.
(BABBLING) Or maybe not.
(GASPS) Wait a minute.
I think there's a show about teaching a baby sign language.
(GASPS) I could finally talk to my baby.
Maggie, we have a fun week of repetitive drills ahead.
I wonder what the kid was so upset about.
Don't worry, little baby.
I'll be okay till morning.
Now I'm screwed.
Congratulations, babies, we've learned some great signs today.
I hope you don't want "more," because we're "all done," because our government funding "ran out.
" Okay, Maggie.
Do you want "more" or are you "all done"? "More" or "all done"? "More" or "all done"? "More" or "all done"? "More" or "all done"? "More" or "all done"? "More" or "all done"? "More" or "all done"? "More" or "all done"? Oh, great, now I'm out of Cheerios.
(BELCHES) Oh, I thought they were doughnuts that were really far away.
"More"? "More"? Aw, that's 22.
You busted.
Always say "all done" on a hard 17.
Can you say that? "Hard 17"? Don't teach her gambling.
Let's go, dealer.
One more hand.
Aw, sir, I don't want to take your money.
(GROANS) Remember to make sure that the warriors you kill are actually dead.
I recommend stabbing, dissolving in acid, dynamite in the butt GAMER'S MOTHER: Jason.
You're late for dinner! Ma, I'm talking to 30 million people! Boil them, let pigs eat them, Kentucky-fry them Don't play that in front of Maggie.
She'll have nightmares.
Eh, suit yourself.
This is more like it.
"Hansel shoved the blood-covered witch into the oven.
'I'm burning alive,' screamed the witch.
" More? More? (GASPS) You want more book? My baby's communicating with me.
- Let me test it out.
Do you like peas? - - Do you like applesauce? - - Do you like Star Wars movies? - What about Baby Yoda? Hmm.
This is so exciting.
Look, look what Maggie can do.
Maggie, do you want "more"? That's my girl.
Look, everyone.
She's doing it.
Yeah, that's great.
Dad, check this out.
He only sings when we're not looking.
Classic aggravation humor.
- (MARGE GROANS) - A dancing frog.
Bet that would cook up nice.
You're missing a crucial moment in Maggie's development because of these.
From now on, we're gonna limit the time we spend looking at our stupid phones.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, that's great.
And then we'll have a conversation.
(LAUGHS) Steve Jobs wouldn't let his children use his iPads, and he was a great parent, I assume.
From now on, everyone gets a half hour of screen time a week.
- And that's it.
- Really, Marge? You think you can give up your Pinterest? My cake fails are important.
If people fail at cake, they need to be told.
Okay.
Half an hour a week for everyone, including me.
I believe there's something you're forgetting.
(SIGHS) And? And? (GRUNTS) No more screens.
You, too.
Here at Messages, we treat your addiction humanely, with hiking and biking and human equivalents of things that work with rats.
And all we ask for is your brain when you die.
Well, let's pray this place won't be necessary.
- (COW BELL RINGS) - All right, let's round 'em up.
Okay.
It's been one week.
Let me check your screen times.
Wow.
They're really low.
I'm so proud of you.
I forgot how great it was to crack the spine of a book.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) I'm calmer, I'm happier, I'm seeing things I never saw before.
Did you know our second dog is a cat? (DOORBELL RINGS) Hmm? Sorry, last time I was here, I left my screen time reversal wrench.
I could just get that back.
You guys have been having this man dial back your screen time? Oops.
Looks like I just lost a contract.
Well, anybody want to buy a van? It only has two miles on it.
(CHUCKLES) - (GRUMBLES) - What the? Okay, close your eyes.
I'm putting these someplace you'll never find them.
(FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING STAIRCASE) (CAR DEPARTING) (DRAWBRIDGE LOWERING) (PLANE TAKING OFF) - (JACKHAMMER GRINDING) - - - (BIRD SQUAWKS) No cell phone.
Stuck at work all day with nothing to do.
Lookin' at my feet.
Hey, big guy.
What, are you bored? Why don't you do the Daily Jumble in the paper? Unscramble the words to solve a funny riddle.
Oh, that's what it is.
I thought the proofreader had a stroke.
- - Let's see.
Hmm.
"D-D-A.
" Hmm.
"D-D-A.
" Hmm.
"D-D-A.
" Hmm.
(GASPS) "Dad.
" "Dad.
" I got something! For the first time ever, I solved a puzzle.
(GASPS) "Dad ate all the pie.
" Call the newspaper.
Tell them someone has solved it.
And get me some pie.
I love not using a phone.
It's made me much more in tune with the world.
(LOUDER): It's like my senses are heightened.
(THUDDING ECHOING LOUDLY) (WHOOSHES) Okay, Maggie, time to go.
Say goodbye to your aunts.
So cute.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) What's she saying? (COUGHING) She always sleeps so good when she's here.
(CAMERA CLICKS) Huh? (IMITATES ROCKET NOISES) Careful.
If we enter the Martian atmosphere at too steep an angle, we'll burn up.
(GASPS, SCREAMS) Tell my family I love them.
(DEEP VOICE): They know that, Steve.
They know.
(IMITATES STATIC) (SNICKERS) Bart has to use his imagination.
This is Jupiter One.
Do you copy? I copy.
What are you doing? I'm talking to Jupiter One.
Oh, I'll show you Jupiter One.
Jupiter One to mission control.
Firing photon torpedoes.
(LAUGHTER) Um, I'm doing a very important two-page paper.
Do you have any way to find a book without using a computer? Well, the old card catalogue is in the basement.
Bang on this pot to scare the possums away.
Okay.
- (HISSING) - Uh Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Mmm, old card stock.
So tactile.
- - (GASPS) Look, this one has an old handwritten note.
"Dear Reader" Ooh, that's me.
(CHUCKLES) "See also: Lost Wax Technique.
" I will see also.
(SQUEALS) "N-J-X-I.
" Jinx.
"P-I-U-Q.
" Quip.
I'm solving words I don't even know.
Jumble boogie, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Get down, get down With the goobie, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Unjumbled that is boogie Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, solve a jumble In your face, world, I'm so humble Now, watch me twirl.
(SCREAMS) Okay, okay.
I need the recipe for puttanesca sauce.
Can't go online.
No problem.
I've got cookbooks.
Padma Lakshmi's Hot and Zesty.
Tiffany Haddish's Fun with Radishes.
I made 14 of those they weren't that fun.
(GASPS) I know who to call.
(BEEPING) Hello? What's the recipe for puttanesca sauce? Oh, you want-a the recipe? Sure, sure, get a pencil.
Step-a one you come here.
Step-a two you pay for it.
Step-a three I put it on-a some pasta.
And that's-a the recipe! (MOANS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (INHALES DEEPLY) Oh, what a great day.
Oh, you said it.
I spent five minutes today just looking at the sun.
(GRUNTS, GROANS) Hey, where's Mom? And why do I hear clicking from this closet? Hold on a beat.
Just hold on.
Who was the one who said no screen time? Who? It was you.
(SIGHS) I know.
I have a problem.
So, I'm signing us all up for a month at that screen addiction rehab center.
But we're not addicted, you are! That's exactly what an addict would say.
Or a normal person.
That's also what an addict would say.
Well, what wouldn't an addict say?! Not that, that's for sure.
We'll all go there starting tomorrow.
And I'll watch the pets.
I brought a bunch of them inside.
(HOWLING) I'm the beta.
- - BART AND LISA: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? - - Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? - Are we there yet? - Knock off that racket! - - I said knock it off! Mom's got the problem.
How come we're stuck in paradise? Oh, Zen gardens, infinity pool? Dr.
Drew on call? I'm just here because I can't stop Fruit Ninja.
Die, mangoes, die! (GRUNTING) If this is an addiction center, I'm hooked.
Welcome to Messages.
I am Dr.
Lund.
Doc, this prison is great.
Nothing but the best for my family.
I just have one question.
How much does this place cost? Your stay is entirely funded by donations from tech billionaires, who feel guilty that their sleek, disruptive technology put you here.
(GASPS) It's free? Kids, we've found our summer home.
The adults will reconnect with healthier, time-tested alternatives like eating, drinking, fornicating, relentless hide-and-seek, the braiding of hair, listening to Dana Gould's podcast.
Four people suffocated in the Creature from the Black Lagoon's suit until they got it right.
At least, - I'm guessing that's true.
- (SIGHS) And you, young man, instead of playing first-person shooters, we are going to put a real rifle in your hands.
Take that, Second Amendment! (GRUNTING SOFTLY) It's time to start healing, Marge.
I love your accent.
I didn't know I had one.
This is our one computer, on which you can say auf wiedersehen forever to your old online life.
Farewell, Instagram, Facebook and NextDoor.
You all entertained me and scared me.
Yes, Marge, yes.
Cut forever the puppet strings that have made you dance like a psychotic Pinocchio.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Facebook accounts cannot be deleted.
Do not try.
Do not try.
What is wrong, Homer? Why the pickle puss? I don't know if I can live in a world without online solitaire.
I have an answer for you.
It's sealed.
I will open the plastic.
The box is shut.
I will open the box.
- Could you? - (GRUNTS) I-I will deal the cards.
- And also? - I will play the solitaire! (WHISTLING) I need a jack, I need a jack.
I used my phone for everything.
Except to call the parents who gave it to me.
You can call them now.
Hello, Dad? You don't say.
You don't say.
You don't say.
What did he say? He hates me.
Okay, okay.
Let's just talk.
Any subject except video games.
A tear rolled down my face, as my avatar did the electric shuffle on her corpse.
- Yes! - That game is awesome! I'm losing control, but that's all right.
Today's therapist has many effective options.
(GAS HISSING) The gas is never a good sign.
I have to say, all this talk about no devices has really made me want my phone.
I know, I was talking with some guys about the weather, and I realized I have no idea what the temperature is in Cupertino.
- I need my phone.
- Me, too.
What if Krusty posted a tweet?! I must retweet! - I must retweet! I must retweet! - I need my phone! - I need my phone! - Must retweet, must retweet! - Must retweet, must retweet! - I need my phone! - Must retweet! - (GROWLING): I need my phone! - (LAUGHS) - We can't leave! Studies show tech is more addictive than heroin.
Google and TikTok say that's a lie.
We have to be cured.
You couldn't be more wrong, Marge.
You couldn't be more wrong.
Since this nation was founded, families have faced the problem of staying together without driving each other crazy.
For the first 200 years, they played fiddle music until they had a war.
It was a good system.
Then, they came up with sitting around a radio.
But without a screen, they still had time to look at each other.
So World War II.
With peace came TV, which bought Silicon Valley the time to invent the devices that isolate us completely.
Finally, the American family was safe from itself.
Is any of that true? Once I post it on Reddit, it will be.
Okay, we'll just say goodbye and then we'll get our things.
What's going on here? I thought this was a screen-free environment.
It is, for the patients.
But the rest of us have side hustles to perpetrate.
"I'm making $400 a day from home.
Want to know how?" You're sending that spam through my e-mail account? (GASPS) You stole her password when she checked in! Unlike every other rehab, this one is a scam! And we're gonna expose you to the world! I'm afraid not.
You signed a contract.
And every exit is guarded by a laser-detection system.
You have lasers at a rehab center? Let me remind you, this is an evil rehab center.
(DISC CRACKS) Anyone order a ride from Jupiter One? Ooh, I'm riding in a spaceship.
Stick that spammer in the darkest, dankest cell we've got, Lou.
The one furthest from the Wi-Fi.
One bar, scumbag.
One bar is all I need to scramble your Spotify suggestions.
Hope you like Little River Band.
("REMINISCING" BY LITTLE RIVER BAND PLAYING) (WIGGUM HUMMING) (LUND GRUMBLES) (WIGGUM CONTINUES HUMMING) (LUND CLEARS THROAT) (GROANING) - (STRAINING) - (CONTINUES HUMMING) No, no! Please, turn the siren on.
(SIREN WAILING) LUND: Ah! Much better.
Only 12 doughnuts for three cops well, there's no way to divide them evenly, so, uh, I'll just eat them all.
Captain Wiggum, I could help you with your food addiction.
Huh? Uh, what do you mean? Psychologically, you are a baby with a gun, sticking food in his mouth.
Eat, eat, eat, all the day, like a schwein.
Wow, you are such a great profiler.
With you, we wouldn't even need DNA evidence.
Boy, so sick of getting criminals to give semen samples.
Uh, Chief, you don't need semen.
A lock of hair will do.
It what?! Shh!